(no subject)
Yesterday was a complete disaster. It's too embarassing even to think about. I hurt my foot the other day so I hadn't gone to the gym in a while but after yesterday, I decided I don't give a fuck if I hurt it even more; I'd rather be skinny with a messed up foot than the lardass piece of shit that I am now. I burned off 700kcal, which will hopefully do at least a little damage control. I also somehow weighed 106lb today- I think the scale was wrong.
I have also noticed that I have been more agressive with myself lately. In other words, my inner monologue has become more and more abusive. I think it's frustration- at myself for staying fat and acting like an idiot all the time, at my parents for... I guess for caring, at my boyfriend for reminding me that I'm not asexual.
I have also been wanting to do drugs more than ever lately. Maybe to help slow this downward spiral that seems to come with summer. Summer means I'm idle, means I have time to think about how much I despise myself, about how much I've fucked up; gives me time to examine my body and to hate it more and more. I'd rather stop thinking for a while.
I have also noticed that I have been more agressive with myself lately. In other words, my inner monologue has become more and more abusive. I think it's frustration- at myself for staying fat and acting like an idiot all the time, at my parents for... I guess for caring, at my boyfriend for reminding me that I'm not asexual.
I have also been wanting to do drugs more than ever lately. Maybe to help slow this downward spiral that seems to come with summer. Summer means I'm idle, means I have time to think about how much I despise myself, about how much I've fucked up; gives me time to examine my body and to hate it more and more. I'd rather stop thinking for a while.