Unaware that I’m tearing you asunder…

[sexytarawitch]

My dreams were filled with images that I wanted to do anything to scrub them out of my memory. I wasn’t sure what made my heart hurt more, killing people or the idea of Spike and I fighting for years

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[sexytarawitch]

I look down at him and lick my lips, I want to speak but I don't even know what to say anymore, everything's so messed up. I lean in and kiss him hard, feeling his heart pound against my chest and I take what little comfort I can from it before I move off of him and pull his now buttonless shirt over my shoulders.

"I shouldn't be here then, it's not fair to you. I just shouldn't have come." He gripped my arm and I couldn't stop the growl that escaped my throat as I whipped around to look at him. "I am a game Lindsey, I'm a fucking joke, can't you see that? Something that was supposed to protect us with Buffy gone ended up being part of my undoing."

I sighed and looked down, the scratches on my chest were closed now but my skin was stained with blood. My blood, now anyway, it was pigs blood at some point.

"The one person I had - thought I had - did this to me, ripped me apart and said it was for the best when it was said and done. Tells me he loves me and then I find him looking at a book that would rip my soul from my body - maybe even killing me in the process." I stopped talking finally and looked up at him, all my emotions tearing me to pieces. "That's not what you need Lindsey, you don't need me around you like this. I-I should..." I sighed and started looking around the room for dry clothes. "Maybe I should go to LA...H-he did mention...and I know he'd..." I wasn't sure what I was thinking, I just knew that I had to leave before I really screwed his life up.

[theurbancowboy]

I growled at her and stared not bothering to give a shit that I’m standing naked and she looks hot in my shirt. I would be fucked up enough to first notice what she looks like looking ravaged in my clothes as apposed to what she’s saying.

“What? You’re going to go to fucking Angel for help? He’ll kill Spike before I even get the chance, and believe me I want the fucking chance.”

I’m not stupid; I can see the feral protective look in her eyes when I say that. She might half hate him right now but she still loves him and it makes me hate him even more, makes me want to dance on his ashes.

“I’m not letting you go now, not without a fight; you can’t just walk in here fuck me and then walk away? You going to go back to him? You think he won’t be able to smell me on you? I doubt I’ll get by with just a few broken ribs this time.”

It was a low blow, a fucking low blow for me to remind her exactly what would happen if she left me and Spike found out we’d been together, but I never said I was a noble guy, in fact I’m pretty damn sure I made it clear I wasn’t.

“I don’t give two fucks about Spike, or Angel or anyone but you and me in this goddamn stinky motel room right now. I’m not a good or noble man, but I want you to stay here with me, and I can help you. So don’t run away because you’re too fucking scared to deal with what it means to stay.”

Fuck when the hell did I start getting preachy? Fucking Angel, it’s his fault, every single thing that has happened in my life since I met that bastard has been his doing, from loosing my goddamn hand (literally) to being forced to run for my life (figuratively) to hell HER being turned by his fucking progeny.

[sexytarawitch]

My eyes stung at his words and I wanted to cry and tear his heart out in the same moment. I didn't know what to feel, I wasn't even sure what a normal emotion was for me anymore. "He can't bruise a corpse Lindsey." My tone was cold and even, I didn't mean a word of it though. When it came down to it he seemed to be the only one on my side, so he became the one I could lash out on.

"So tell me Lindsey, how is it you want to help me huh? Chain me to the bed and fuck me some more? Tame the demon, bruise the girl? Been there, done that. I'm bored." I was starting to find it was easier to get angry and control it to a point. The angrier I got the easier it became to hide every other emotion running through my body.

"You think...you think I want to go back to him? After all this?" I shook my head and looked at him square in the eyes, letting his shirt fall from my shoulders. "You were too fucking busy trying to get into my pants to spite him to look at me Lindsey to notice what he did to me..." I could feel his eyes wonder over my body and it didn't turn me on, it made me sick to think of all the things Spike did to me, that I let him do to me.

"Yeah..." My voice got lower when he finally looked back up at me, my hands gripping his shirt on my arms so tight my knuckles were white. "That's just the half of it...my back..." I licked my lips and pulled the shirt up onto me again. "It's a good thing that vampires heal fast huh..."

[theurbancowboy]

Her threat should have frightened me, I knew I was treading on too thin of ice here but I wasn't. Maybe I liked the pain, maybe that's what this obbsession was all about, but it's too late to take back now.

"What you going to kill me now? I'm betting that'll be good for the soul."

If she doesn't kill me now it will be a miracle. I'm a fucking idiot but at least I'm aware of it. I have half a mind to track down Darla and see if Tara wants to play. Course, that's probably the stupidest idea I've ever had in my life.

Did I want to chain her to the bed and fuck her some more? Well the idea did have it's appeal but that's not exactly what I had in mind for helping her.

She thinks the reason I wanted in her pants was to spite Spike? Has she looked in the fucking mirror? Alright, maybe not lately but give me a fucking break if I wanted to do something to spite that fucker I'd find Angel give the guy a heads up and let him take care of his own fucking family. No I wanted her long before Spike had a shit load of demons kick my ass.

I'd noticed her body, it was kinda hard not to, I knew exactly what had happened what that bastard had done to her, it wasn't the point, she was through wasn't she? Whatever state she was in wasn't shocking. I'm not someone whose shocked easily.

"Alright. Shut the fuck up."

I walked towards her without really knowing what I'd do when I reached her, but I pushed some hair behind her ear.

"First of all the reason I wanted to fuck you had absolutely nothing to do with Spike. Second of all I'm all for another go round but that isn't the way I was planning on helping you, not that I'm even sure what to do but that's not the fucking point. I want to help you and I will if you let me. But you have to let me."

Why the hell was I so fucking calm, "Thirdly, I don't pity you Tara. I'm pissed off for you, dare I say I ache for what's been taken from you but I don't pity you and I'm not shocked by this," I run my hand over the arm of my shirt.

"Nothing really shocks me anymore. I'm not a noble guy, maybe I'm worse than all the evil things you know, but I'm standing here offering you all I have. So spit in my face and walk out, but no games, no 'oh woe is me' crap. You've been dealt a fucked up hand, now you just gotta start dealing with it."

I took a step back, "Make a choice, leave or stay."

[sexytarawitch]

He didn't get mad at me, he didn't yell and he didn't scream. Why? I wanted him to, I needed someone to lash out at and to hurt, I needed something.

I listened to what he said and stood there, images and flashes of things I craved but never could do to him ran through my mind. Part of me wanted to hurt him, make him bleed and hurt just as much as I do, but the other part knew I couldn't do that, I didn't want to. There was just something about him that I knew I needed.

"So what am I gonna do about clothes? Or do you want me to just stand here naked so you could get your rocks off?" I sighed and shook my head, running my fingers through my hair and mumbling 'Sorry.' softly. I wasn't sure how to be sweet anymore, every moment I was losing that more and more. I was losing who I was and becoming something I wasn't so sure of.

"I can't promise you anything Lindsey, least of all stability. I don't even have that in myself. I came to you...I came here...because..." I shrugged. "Guess you're all I have left. That leaves me feeling awkward but something tells me you won't lie to me or sugar coat things. I don't need that."

With slow steps I walked over to him and looked up at him, my eyes meeting his. "I don't undersand you." I murmured, stepping up on my tiptoes. "I try and try to push you away and you're still here." I kissed him softly on the lips. "That makes me believe something." I took his hand and rested against his chest. "You're just what I need."

I tilted my face up to his and kissed him softly at first, and then deepened it as I wrapped my arm around his waist. "Lindsey...please help me..."