Unaware that I’m tearing you asunder…
My dreams were filled with images that I wanted to do anything to scrub them out of my memory. I wasn’t sure what made my heart hurt more, killing people or the idea of Spike and I fighting for years.
Maybe even centuries.
I opened my eyes and looked over at him, he looked content with his arms around me. I was content watching him sleep, but my mind wouldn’t stop running. I didn’t know what would happen to us now, after last night - the fighting included. Our relationship can’t handle more fighting, it’s wearing us both down.
He promised to give me my night, give me what I wanted and feed the bit of humanity inside me. He did that, he did just as he promised - and more - now it was my turn to do something for us. I had to find a way to keep my sanity, keep myself from having the breakdowns and putting more stress on our relationship.
Slowly I pulled myself from his arms, bending down and kissing him before I got up to walk around the shop. Maybe even clear my head. I didn’t bother with clothes, there wouldn’t be anyone here at this hour and I frankly didn’t care. Seems like another freedom I have, not caring.
How deadly for a person who did nothing but when she was human…
I glanced at the clock and saw that it wasn’t even four in the morning. There was time before sunrise that I could leave if I wanted to. I know I thought about it but actually doing it…I don’t know if I could.
My eyes settled on the book near the counter that was filled with the darkest magick. I picked it up and started reading the spell again for removing someone’s soul.
That would be so easy wouldn’t it? Take the ‘easy’ way out and make it so I never care again. That idea just made me feel sick inside. I don’t know who I’d be then and what if…what if I hurt someone. Even worse, someone I love.
Pushing the thoughts out of my mind that I could even think of doing this spell on myself I started looking through the book and I came across a spell to give someone their soul.
There was writing around the edges and I knew it was Willow’s. The temptation to read any further made me close the book tight and shove it across the room.
How could I even fathom doing that to Spike when I got upset for trying to do the opposite to me? It’s wrong, it’s inhuman and…it’s not me.
But isn’t my problem not knowing who I am? Why did one person come to mind when I tried to think of who could - and would - help me?
Taking deep breath’s I stood up and looked around the room, the stubbornness that I got from my father coming out to play as I decided that I needed to go, I needed to find someone to help me, find a balance and…something.
I bent over the counter and started to write, the tears started even before I finished his name. I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to do this. For both of us.
Spike -
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you with all my heart, you are everything to me. Please remember that.
Don’t be mad at me that I’m not there.
Last night…it was…I couldn’t find the words, they haven’t created it. I love you so much and last night was more wonderful then I can ever even think of putting into words.
I need to go away. Just for a little while. Don’t worry, I’ll be back. I need to go away, I need to go and be with someone who understands what’s going on inside me now. The constant struggle is wearing down on me, and you too. I know it is. I know that it’s frustrating for you. It is for me too.
I love you with all my heart, I loved you human and I love you still. We have centuries to be together now to prove it. But I know if I don’t go away and do what I need to do that I won’t have that long with you.
Forever is something I want with you. I need to fix myself so I can give it to us, and it wouldn’t be right any other way.
Please, don’t look for me, I can’t worry about you and get myself better at the same time. Worry about you, get yourself settled. You could even look for a place for us if you don’t want the crypt anymore. I know, I’m reaching. Anywhere I am with you is home.
I love you William, with every last beat of my heart. I’m doing this for you, for us. I need to go and see someone who will understand, I know he will and maybe I can find a balance I can live with.
I promise, I won’t be gone long, just the simple movement from your arms felt like forever. I can’t stand to be away for long and I promise I won’t be.
Love you always. Forever. I will see you soon.
Tara
Wiping my eyes with the back of my hand I stood up and left the note where he’d find it. I couldn’t bring myself to walk back into that room because I knew my heart would win over my mind and I would stay. Crawl back into his arms and pretend I never woke before him.
I slipped on some new clothes from our trip and pulled my jacket on before heading out. I must have paused four or five times as I opened the door. I was afraid of what would happen if I left.
I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.
It started raining as soon as I was at the corner from the shop. I wasn’t too sure where to look. Apartments or motels, I’ve never done this before and to be honest - I didn’t know him that well.
He just seemed like someone that just might understand or maybe even help me. I don’t know how or why I got that feeling but then again I didn’t have anyone else. I was alone - save for Spike - but he wouldn’t and couldn’t understand, he was too far into the picture to be objective about it.
I decided to let the monster that now lived inside me take over and I followed his scent that I remembered from the shop. It took me nearly and hour to find his old beat up truck at one of the apartment buildings on the edge of town.
The rain now soaked through my jacket and clothes, the jeans I was wearing were hurting my skin, I felt like I was being ripped apart. Then again I already felt like that leaving Spike behind.
Following his scent up to the third floor I found his door at the end of the hall. I knocked softly -I was scared, make that terrified, of what would happen. Quickly shoving my hands into my pockets I hunched my shoulders even as the tears ran down my face and waited; half tempted to chicken out and walk away. Hoping he wasn’t there so I wouldn’t have to be the chicken.
I hope he’s here…
Maybe even centuries.
I opened my eyes and looked over at him, he looked content with his arms around me. I was content watching him sleep, but my mind wouldn’t stop running. I didn’t know what would happen to us now, after last night - the fighting included. Our relationship can’t handle more fighting, it’s wearing us both down.
He promised to give me my night, give me what I wanted and feed the bit of humanity inside me. He did that, he did just as he promised - and more - now it was my turn to do something for us. I had to find a way to keep my sanity, keep myself from having the breakdowns and putting more stress on our relationship.
Slowly I pulled myself from his arms, bending down and kissing him before I got up to walk around the shop. Maybe even clear my head. I didn’t bother with clothes, there wouldn’t be anyone here at this hour and I frankly didn’t care. Seems like another freedom I have, not caring.
How deadly for a person who did nothing but when she was human…
I glanced at the clock and saw that it wasn’t even four in the morning. There was time before sunrise that I could leave if I wanted to. I know I thought about it but actually doing it…I don’t know if I could.
My eyes settled on the book near the counter that was filled with the darkest magick. I picked it up and started reading the spell again for removing someone’s soul.
That would be so easy wouldn’t it? Take the ‘easy’ way out and make it so I never care again. That idea just made me feel sick inside. I don’t know who I’d be then and what if…what if I hurt someone. Even worse, someone I love.
Pushing the thoughts out of my mind that I could even think of doing this spell on myself I started looking through the book and I came across a spell to give someone their soul.
There was writing around the edges and I knew it was Willow’s. The temptation to read any further made me close the book tight and shove it across the room.
How could I even fathom doing that to Spike when I got upset for trying to do the opposite to me? It’s wrong, it’s inhuman and…it’s not me.
But isn’t my problem not knowing who I am? Why did one person come to mind when I tried to think of who could - and would - help me?
Taking deep breath’s I stood up and looked around the room, the stubbornness that I got from my father coming out to play as I decided that I needed to go, I needed to find someone to help me, find a balance and…something.
I bent over the counter and started to write, the tears started even before I finished his name. I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to do this. For both of us.
Spike -
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you with all my heart, you are everything to me. Please remember that.
Don’t be mad at me that I’m not there.
Last night…it was…I couldn’t find the words, they haven’t created it. I love you so much and last night was more wonderful then I can ever even think of putting into words.
I need to go away. Just for a little while. Don’t worry, I’ll be back. I need to go away, I need to go and be with someone who understands what’s going on inside me now. The constant struggle is wearing down on me, and you too. I know it is. I know that it’s frustrating for you. It is for me too.
I love you with all my heart, I loved you human and I love you still. We have centuries to be together now to prove it. But I know if I don’t go away and do what I need to do that I won’t have that long with you.
Forever is something I want with you. I need to fix myself so I can give it to us, and it wouldn’t be right any other way.
Please, don’t look for me, I can’t worry about you and get myself better at the same time. Worry about you, get yourself settled. You could even look for a place for us if you don’t want the crypt anymore. I know, I’m reaching. Anywhere I am with you is home.
I love you William, with every last beat of my heart. I’m doing this for you, for us. I need to go and see someone who will understand, I know he will and maybe I can find a balance I can live with.
I promise, I won’t be gone long, just the simple movement from your arms felt like forever. I can’t stand to be away for long and I promise I won’t be.
Love you always. Forever. I will see you soon.
Tara
Wiping my eyes with the back of my hand I stood up and left the note where he’d find it. I couldn’t bring myself to walk back into that room because I knew my heart would win over my mind and I would stay. Crawl back into his arms and pretend I never woke before him.
I slipped on some new clothes from our trip and pulled my jacket on before heading out. I must have paused four or five times as I opened the door. I was afraid of what would happen if I left.
I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn’t.
It started raining as soon as I was at the corner from the shop. I wasn’t too sure where to look. Apartments or motels, I’ve never done this before and to be honest - I didn’t know him that well.
He just seemed like someone that just might understand or maybe even help me. I don’t know how or why I got that feeling but then again I didn’t have anyone else. I was alone - save for Spike - but he wouldn’t and couldn’t understand, he was too far into the picture to be objective about it.
I decided to let the monster that now lived inside me take over and I followed his scent that I remembered from the shop. It took me nearly and hour to find his old beat up truck at one of the apartment buildings on the edge of town.
The rain now soaked through my jacket and clothes, the jeans I was wearing were hurting my skin, I felt like I was being ripped apart. Then again I already felt like that leaving Spike behind.
Following his scent up to the third floor I found his door at the end of the hall. I knocked softly -I was scared, make that terrified, of what would happen. Quickly shoving my hands into my pockets I hunched my shoulders even as the tears ran down my face and waited; half tempted to chicken out and walk away. Hoping he wasn’t there so I wouldn’t have to be the chicken.
I hope he’s here…