Rough Days.
I feel like I should call this, my summer of change. So many things are shifting on me....how can I compete with it all?
For starters, there is a high possibility my dog will not live to the end of the summer. She has cancer. She's dying. How am I going to cope with that?
My grandma's cancer is full force.
I am changing. A lot.
I don't know. I feel like I should explain the last statement more, but I don't want to. Perhaps I should keep it private for a little while longer...until I feel its safe enough. I am trying to be a better person. I am struggling with this identity I have adapted.
At work today, jason told me I always seemed to be bubbly. And that he saw me as the mama duck, taking care of everything and everyone. I took care of Laura when she has her seizure yesterday. I held her hand as she jerked forward in and out of that chair. I am dependable like that. i went with her to the hospital and wiped her tears. And I hardly know her. But I am the mama duck. I am supposed to be the dependable one.
Was I always like this? Was I always so old? I don't know. It bothers me that I have changed so much.
And I know that I will always be like this. Is that a good thing?
Gah. I am simply frustrated with my inability to accept and be who I am. Who God intended me to be. To do what He wants for me and what I want for myself. Is that a difficult concept?
yes.