(no subject)
Been doing some thinking, about the human I am, and what that means, fundamentally.
My psychiatrist brought up my adoption and asked how that topic may play a role in my depression. I had no answers for her sitting on her couch, but I woke up this morning thinking about it, and possibly started on an answer.
What it comes down to, and I mean this in the most fundamental sense, is that I have always had a feeling of purposelessness. It cripples me when I dream, act, even just exist. It is a lost feeling, very deep down, that seems to be very much attached to my sense of self.
I frequently wonder if there is a place for me in this world.
Bringing that thought back into the adoption question, it is true that there was not supposed to have been a 'me' in the first place, but yet, here I am.
I struggle with that thought.
It makes me extremely sad, and confused. And guilty.
I feel guilty for existing and questioning my place anywhere. I feel guilty for not being thankful.
My psychiatrist brought up my adoption and asked how that topic may play a role in my depression. I had no answers for her sitting on her couch, but I woke up this morning thinking about it, and possibly started on an answer.
What it comes down to, and I mean this in the most fundamental sense, is that I have always had a feeling of purposelessness. It cripples me when I dream, act, even just exist. It is a lost feeling, very deep down, that seems to be very much attached to my sense of self.
I frequently wonder if there is a place for me in this world.
Bringing that thought back into the adoption question, it is true that there was not supposed to have been a 'me' in the first place, but yet, here I am.
I struggle with that thought.
It makes me extremely sad, and confused. And guilty.
I feel guilty for existing and questioning my place anywhere. I feel guilty for not being thankful.