(no subject)
I'm starting to crack already.
I'm trying to hold it together but it's so painfully goddamn obvious that I've been patched up with weak pieces of scotch tape.
The dumbest shit makes me bubble over with a fire-y feeling deep inside my chest and it takes a lot to keep reminding myself that I trust him, he's Corey, and we're safe. Its real, and it isn't going anywhere.
I want to punch andy in the face and where it hurts for being able to do this much damage to me to the point where it carries into my new relationship so many years later.
Everything going into this 6 month long distance relationship is digging up bad memories and really fucking with me. I have to consciously step back and walk my feelings through it and come back to Corey as the unbeaten, stable me.
It's stupid things that make me tick....like skype. andy used to tell me at like 8pm "I'm so tired homie I gotta go to bed", and I'd believe him like an idiot. He'd go and get so sloshed and stoned and then end up in bed with his other slore on the side in the wee hours of the morning, and then send me a "Good morning I love you" text.
Now skyping with Corey, he says the "I gotta go to bed ....I have such a big day tomorrow" and immediately I get that stupid, "caution....liiiaaaarrrrr" feeling and then wind up so frustrated because it's written all over my face. And then I feel guilty. And theennnn I feel embarrassed. Then I'm just straight up irritable with everything and everyone around me.
Corey even tells me when or while he's drinking that hes drinking or smoking, and texts me crazy frequently during all of it about how much he misses/loves me, etc. We do shit like that all the time together and it's fantastic, but where my dumbass bruises come in are the drinking and smoking parts that I hyperfixate on. All I can remember is just getting lied to all the time and now I have this horrible association with boyfriend away-->boyfriend lying about being smashed and cheating. I remember the horrible subconscious thought that he was hiding something and that I needed to trust him despite that. But I dug into that anyway and came away with the worst heartbreak of my life.
He made a fool out of me and I let it happen. I know whats happening now is me just trying to automatically protect myself from that kind of pain but this is just stupid. This is a different kind of love. This is a big, real, crazy, happy love. He does everything right.....seriously everything.....from touches to kisses to compliments to bedtime to talking......and here I am about to fuck it all up just because I got beat up from a dumbass, idiot ex boyfriend so many years ago.
It shouldnt be hard to interpret a text like "Ive been fencing off sluts all night...they are nothing compared to you" as basically..."I love you". Instead, I fixate on the sluts part and ughhhhhhhhhhhh
this is not who I am :(
I know better than this, but I feel otherwise and it wont go away. Maybe with time. And this love. Maybe this is what I need.
I'm trying to hold it together but it's so painfully goddamn obvious that I've been patched up with weak pieces of scotch tape.
The dumbest shit makes me bubble over with a fire-y feeling deep inside my chest and it takes a lot to keep reminding myself that I trust him, he's Corey, and we're safe. Its real, and it isn't going anywhere.
I want to punch andy in the face and where it hurts for being able to do this much damage to me to the point where it carries into my new relationship so many years later.
Everything going into this 6 month long distance relationship is digging up bad memories and really fucking with me. I have to consciously step back and walk my feelings through it and come back to Corey as the unbeaten, stable me.
It's stupid things that make me tick....like skype. andy used to tell me at like 8pm "I'm so tired homie I gotta go to bed", and I'd believe him like an idiot. He'd go and get so sloshed and stoned and then end up in bed with his other slore on the side in the wee hours of the morning, and then send me a "Good morning I love you" text.
Now skyping with Corey, he says the "I gotta go to bed ....I have such a big day tomorrow" and immediately I get that stupid, "caution....liiiaaaarrrrr" feeling and then wind up so frustrated because it's written all over my face. And then I feel guilty. And theennnn I feel embarrassed. Then I'm just straight up irritable with everything and everyone around me.
Corey even tells me when or while he's drinking that hes drinking or smoking, and texts me crazy frequently during all of it about how much he misses/loves me, etc. We do shit like that all the time together and it's fantastic, but where my dumbass bruises come in are the drinking and smoking parts that I hyperfixate on. All I can remember is just getting lied to all the time and now I have this horrible association with boyfriend away-->boyfriend lying about being smashed and cheating. I remember the horrible subconscious thought that he was hiding something and that I needed to trust him despite that. But I dug into that anyway and came away with the worst heartbreak of my life.
He made a fool out of me and I let it happen. I know whats happening now is me just trying to automatically protect myself from that kind of pain but this is just stupid. This is a different kind of love. This is a big, real, crazy, happy love. He does everything right.....seriously everything.....from touches to kisses to compliments to bedtime to talking......and here I am about to fuck it all up just because I got beat up from a dumbass, idiot ex boyfriend so many years ago.
It shouldnt be hard to interpret a text like "Ive been fencing off sluts all night...they are nothing compared to you" as basically..."I love you". Instead, I fixate on the sluts part and ughhhhhhhhhhhh
this is not who I am :(
I know better than this, but I feel otherwise and it wont go away. Maybe with time. And this love. Maybe this is what I need.