Everybody Hurts...Sometimes
Do you ever have that moment where you just feel that you don't know yourself as well as you thought you did? Where you begin to question your beliefs and whether you truly believe in what you have come to stand for, both in your own mind and the eyes of others? I'm felling that way right now and it's turning into a mini-crisis for me.
All my life I've believed that I'm a giving and understanding person, that I will bend over backwards for my friends whenever they need me, that I'd do anything for a person I care about without questioning how much of an imposition it puts on me.
Recently, after alot of soul searching, I've discovered something; I may be one of the most selish people I know. Everything I do, I do because it give me some smug sense of satisfaction. I go to my friend's aid because I feel that I need to prove to myself that I'm a better friend to them then they ever have been to me. Then when they let me down, it just proves it to me. It gives me some feeling of superiority and it just ends up being all about me anyways. AT the moment, I can't think of anything that I have done for another human being that I did just for the sake of doing it. And that disturbs me.
The worst part of all this is it hurts the people I really love. I'm willing to just toss them aside to show to the world what a great individual I am, when the truth is, I've done squat. I'm selfish, spoiled kid that has never had to deal with true hardship. Even now as I'm writing this I'm thinking 'What's my motivation for this?' This is just another thing that I'm doing to bring attention to me. I'm not living right and I just don't know how to change. What do I have to base anything on? If I can't even believe what my motivations are for anything that I'm doing with my life, what is there?
The most recent thing that I've done something that I can't bring myself to think about. My grandfather, Ralph Henry Faurschou, was the greatest man I've ever known. He was a kind, caring man who left his mark on his community and all those that knew him. I have never heard a bad word against him. Thinking back, one of my fondest memories of him was the times when we would look after the Salvation Army Kettle on the St. Mary's Church day at the mall. We did that for 10 consecutive years before he finally passed in late 2000. I've continued to do this in his memory since he died and Saturday will mark 5 years to the day since his passing. Saturday is also the birtday party of my amazing girlfriend Holly. And what do I go and do? Even though I have made a commitment to her to be there for her party, this morning I found out that Saturday is the St. Mary's day for the kettle. I took the 4-6 shift at the Portage la Prairie Mall, effectively making me late for Holly's party.
The questions I'm having now are why am I really watching the kettle? I loved my grandfather and I know he loved me, but am I really doing this for him, or for myself? He was a man that stood up for his commitments. He was a man of integrity and poise and always stood by his word. He used to tell me "Your word is all you have". I've told Holly that I'll be at her party and I'm breaking that so I can pay honor to a man that taught me to be true to my word. My biggest flaw is that I care deeply about what others think of me only up to the point where I know they will love me no matter what I do. From that point on it just seems that I'm a disappointment to both them and myself. I really don't know what I'm going to do, but now I have made commitments to too many people. Again. I don't know when I'm going to learn that I'm not any further ahead by dissappointing the ones who really love me.
All my life I've believed that I'm a giving and understanding person, that I will bend over backwards for my friends whenever they need me, that I'd do anything for a person I care about without questioning how much of an imposition it puts on me.
Recently, after alot of soul searching, I've discovered something; I may be one of the most selish people I know. Everything I do, I do because it give me some smug sense of satisfaction. I go to my friend's aid because I feel that I need to prove to myself that I'm a better friend to them then they ever have been to me. Then when they let me down, it just proves it to me. It gives me some feeling of superiority and it just ends up being all about me anyways. AT the moment, I can't think of anything that I have done for another human being that I did just for the sake of doing it. And that disturbs me.
The worst part of all this is it hurts the people I really love. I'm willing to just toss them aside to show to the world what a great individual I am, when the truth is, I've done squat. I'm selfish, spoiled kid that has never had to deal with true hardship. Even now as I'm writing this I'm thinking 'What's my motivation for this?' This is just another thing that I'm doing to bring attention to me. I'm not living right and I just don't know how to change. What do I have to base anything on? If I can't even believe what my motivations are for anything that I'm doing with my life, what is there?
The most recent thing that I've done something that I can't bring myself to think about. My grandfather, Ralph Henry Faurschou, was the greatest man I've ever known. He was a kind, caring man who left his mark on his community and all those that knew him. I have never heard a bad word against him. Thinking back, one of my fondest memories of him was the times when we would look after the Salvation Army Kettle on the St. Mary's Church day at the mall. We did that for 10 consecutive years before he finally passed in late 2000. I've continued to do this in his memory since he died and Saturday will mark 5 years to the day since his passing. Saturday is also the birtday party of my amazing girlfriend Holly. And what do I go and do? Even though I have made a commitment to her to be there for her party, this morning I found out that Saturday is the St. Mary's day for the kettle. I took the 4-6 shift at the Portage la Prairie Mall, effectively making me late for Holly's party.
The questions I'm having now are why am I really watching the kettle? I loved my grandfather and I know he loved me, but am I really doing this for him, or for myself? He was a man that stood up for his commitments. He was a man of integrity and poise and always stood by his word. He used to tell me "Your word is all you have". I've told Holly that I'll be at her party and I'm breaking that so I can pay honor to a man that taught me to be true to my word. My biggest flaw is that I care deeply about what others think of me only up to the point where I know they will love me no matter what I do. From that point on it just seems that I'm a disappointment to both them and myself. I really don't know what I'm going to do, but now I have made commitments to too many people. Again. I don't know when I'm going to learn that I'm not any further ahead by dissappointing the ones who really love me.