Am I Willing to Be a Believer?
In love.
Yes. The romantic stuff. I almost hate to write about it, to tell you the truth.
Am I willing to believe that ordinary people can truly experience that?
Am I willing to believe that it can happen? Am I willing to embrace that people really do care about each other like that? That I won't be part of some...experiment...but that somebody will maybe actually be interested in me for me?
Am I willing to allow myself when the time comes to open myself to that?
I tried this last time around. I tried to open myself. I found myself caring about somebody, only to have him turn around and tell me that when he had said "I love you," he hadn't really meant it, that he was out of touch with his emotions.
Am I willing to trust that there really is something out there, that there really is somebody out there? That this design of love is something I can partake of?
I've been cynical for the past few years about it. I didn't think such a thing really existed. And maybe I just needed to heal up a little bit to be willing to believe in God for something so good to be brought about in His timing. Maybe I needed to see something that was not "it" so I could identify when "it" comes along?
I don't know. And I'm supposed to be studying French right now, but I don't much care. This is on my mind.
I'm terrible at loving people. At loving friends. At loving family. At loving...anybody. I'm so wrapped up in myself most of the time, unfortunately.
I think that love is inconvenient in that way, in that it's the giving up of ones self for the benefit of another. It's so much more than emotion. I don't trust emotions. They're too fleeting.
Am I willing to be a believer in this thing, this love? I'm not sure if I'm quite at the conversion point, but I feel as though I've become a curious onlooker.
Yes. The romantic stuff. I almost hate to write about it, to tell you the truth.
Am I willing to believe that ordinary people can truly experience that?
Am I willing to believe that it can happen? Am I willing to embrace that people really do care about each other like that? That I won't be part of some...experiment...but that somebody will maybe actually be interested in me for me?
Am I willing to allow myself when the time comes to open myself to that?
I tried this last time around. I tried to open myself. I found myself caring about somebody, only to have him turn around and tell me that when he had said "I love you," he hadn't really meant it, that he was out of touch with his emotions.
Am I willing to trust that there really is something out there, that there really is somebody out there? That this design of love is something I can partake of?
I've been cynical for the past few years about it. I didn't think such a thing really existed. And maybe I just needed to heal up a little bit to be willing to believe in God for something so good to be brought about in His timing. Maybe I needed to see something that was not "it" so I could identify when "it" comes along?
I don't know. And I'm supposed to be studying French right now, but I don't much care. This is on my mind.
I'm terrible at loving people. At loving friends. At loving family. At loving...anybody. I'm so wrapped up in myself most of the time, unfortunately.
I think that love is inconvenient in that way, in that it's the giving up of ones self for the benefit of another. It's so much more than emotion. I don't trust emotions. They're too fleeting.
Am I willing to be a believer in this thing, this love? I'm not sure if I'm quite at the conversion point, but I feel as though I've become a curious onlooker.