Why? (Shindou Hikaru and Touya Akira, #20)
::Not every boat you come across is one you have to take
Now sometimes standing still can be the best move you ever make...::
I never traveled a whole lot when I was growing up. I’m not sure why, really, other than it just never seemed to come up. Oh, I took a school trip to Hiroshima here, and a jaunt to a hot spring there, but nothing really major. Still, even those few times I was gone, I had to admit that I felt a sharp sense of pleasure when I returned home. I don’t think this was because I loved my house, my friends or even my family so much that I hated to be parted from them, but rather because there was just something about Tokyo that screamed “home” to me. I never imagined myself living anywhere else. It may not seem like I would be so much of a homebody, but there you have it. Once the newness of whatever trip I was on wore off, I couldn’t wait to get home.
That feeling…didn’t happen the last time I left.
Five years ago I packed two suitcases, hopped a train, and never once looked back. I didn’t care where I went or what I did once I got there. The only thing that mattered was that I leave. And I did. I kept in touch with my parents and grandfather, and even wrote occasional letters to Akari, but never once did I have even the slightest desire to come home. Until now.
I don’t know what changed my mind. A dream, perhaps? A feeling? Destiny? All I know is that, this morning, I woke up, and instead of going to my usual job as a store clerk, I packed my things, bought a train ticket for Tokyo, and I came home. I wanted, needed, to finally get some answers.
As I stand here, now, on the streets of my hometown, gripped with the overwhelming urge to just turn around and forget the whole thing, my hand clenched convulsively around the smooth Go stone in my pocket. There’s no real reason for me to be here. Nothing will have changed. I’ve been gone so long that it’s doubtful anyone will even care that I’m back.
But for whatever reason, I have to try. I have to found out exactly what happened the night I left. And I have to know, once and for all, if...
* * * * * * * * *
I’m not sure how long I’ve been running. I could be simple and say that it’s been since the day Sai disappeared, but a part of me wonders if it’s been even longer than that. I struck around Tokyo for a few months after he left me, long enough to finish middle school, but I couldn’t take it for very long. Isumi-san tried to pull me back into the world of Go, but I’ll admit to being too upset and angry and lost to listen to anything he had to say. After he gave up trying to convince me to come back to the world of the pros, I honestly did try to get on with my life…get a job, rent an apartment, perhaps even go to high school, now that my chosen career had been flushed down the proverbial toilet…but I very quickly discovered that wasn’t going to happen.
The phone calls started slow. Once, maybe twice, a week, I would come home from school and find a brief message of concern on the answering machine. Are you sick? Is your family in trouble? Please let me know if I can help. I never returned the calls.
After about a month or so, they became more insistent. I know you’re getting these messages, Shindou. Why are you ignoring me? What is going on with you?
Why won't you play me???
They started coming daily. I tried ignoring them, but I couldn’t seem to stop staring at the flashing red light on the machine, signaling a message. I knew who it was and I knew what he would say, but for some masochistic reason I just couldn’t *not* listen. It was like a disease.
And then I came home one day and my mother told me I had a visitor.
If I could have gotten away with it, I would have run that very moment. I was already so messed up, both physically and mentally, that I knew I couldn’t deal with him. We would end up fighting, or worse, playing, and neither of those options were viable for me.
But I couldn’t run. For him to come to my house meant that he was holding on to his last thread of control, and if I tried to flee, he would simply follow me. There was no safe place anymore. One way or another, I had to face him, and I had to end this.
So I came inside, shrugged off my jacket and slipped off my shoes, and walked into the lion’s den.
He wasn’t in the living room, as I expected. At my questioning look, my mother cheerfully informed me that she’d just let him into my room, figuring that I would want to talk privately with my “friend.”
I remember closing my eyes, feeling suddenly claustrophobic. My room meant no interruptions, no chances to flee if things went badly. Oh yes, he was determined to finish it this time. I was trapped and we both knew it.
Feeling as though I was walking toward my own execution, I trudged up the stairs, my heart hurting.
I'm sorry, you know. I never meant to do this to you. If I could change things, I would, but...
My guest was kneeling beside my Go board, as I knew he would be. I hadn’t touched it since Isumi-san’s visit over two months ago, so another layer of dust had coated the board. I glanced down to the cuffs of his sweater, which I noticed now sported a thin layer of grey. I sighed. Maybe I should have been taking better care of it…
He looked up as I entered the room, his sharp emerald eyes immediately latching on to mine. He stood, swiftly and elegantly, but made no move toward me. It didn’t matter. Just his eyes made me feel like he was already inside me.
“Hello, Shindou,” he said quietly.
One hand curled into a fist at my side.
“Hello, Touya.”
* * * * * * * * *
For the past five years I’ve done my level best to forget about that night…what was said, what was done. But no matter how I tried, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t forget. And now, as I hailed a taxi, determined to just go and get it over with, the memories seemed even more powerful than ever.
* * * * * * *
It started almost innocently. The air was charged and I could tell that whatever emotions he was feeling were tightly leashed, boiling just below the surface. But he was used to slamming down a mask of reserve when he knew it was necessary. If I didn’t push him, if I could somehow give him the answers he wanted without giving up my soul in the process, I might just have a chance to walk away from this without killing us both.
I should have known nothing was ever that easy between us.
“You haven’t been coming to matches.” Surprisingly enough, there was no accusation in his voice. “You haven’t returned my calls.”
Disbelief washed over me. Was he actually trying to justify why he’d come? Did he think I didn’t know? Did he think I’d be angry?
Didn’t he know I’d already lost the strength to feel any emotion at all?
I dropped onto my bed, placing my head in my hands. I had no excuses to offer, no brilliant reasoning to give. I had expected a sharp demand for answers, not this gentle berating.
I stiffened as I felt the mattress give way slightly, and then there was a cool hand on my shoulder.
“What’s wrong, Shindou?” he whispered. “Please…I want to help if I can.”
You’re wasting your time…no one can help me.
* * * * * * * * *
The conversation degenerated from there, as I somehow knew it would. Pressing my forehead against the glass of the taxi window, I squeezed my eyes shut, trying, not to forget, but to somehow rewrite history. I blamed him when I left, anger clouding my mind. I wanted to believe that if he had just minded his own business, everything would have been fine. I could have lived out the rest of my existence in peace.
But no. He had to make me face myself. And that was the one thing I couldn’t do.
* * * * * * * * *
“There’s nothing you can do to help me,” I told him dully. “Surely what happened between Isumi-san and I is all over the institute by now. He tried to bring me back and failed. That’s it. It’s over.”
“I’m not Isumi-san,” Touya replied simply, and that short statement made me realize, more than ever, how much trouble I was in.
Incredulously, I gazed up into his calm, self-assured face, and I saw the silent determination lurking behind his eyes. That’s right, he wasn’t Isumi. He was Touya Akira, and what Touya wanted, Touya got, simply because he never accepted defeat. Whenever he set his sights on something, he would peruse it with all that he was and all that he had, until he became good enough to finally claim his victory.
And at that moment, he wanted an answer the one of the shortest questions in any language, and yet, probably the hardest one to ever answer: Why?
“You didn’t owe Isumi-san anything,” Touya continued, in that same cool, even voice. “He was a friend, a classmate, nothing more. Not only did he not have the tools to pull you out of whatever is going on with you, he didn’t have the right.” His eyes flashed once, and I felt my stomach twist sickeningly. “I have the means, Shindou, and I have the right. Don’t think for a second that you can brush me aside like you did him. You owe me!”
And the worst feeling in the world was knowing that he was right. About everything.
* * * * * * * * *
The city traffic seemed worse than usual that evening, so I knew my ride was going to take longer than I anticipated. The taxi driver, of course, cheerfully waited in the long line of cars and watched his yen meter steadily increase. I didn’t care; money was the least of my worries at the moment. In fact, I would have given anything to be able to buy off the confrontation I knew I was going to have to make when I finally did arrive at my destination.
But he never cared about money, either, or any kind of bargaining chip, for that matter. No amount of weaseling or cajoling would get me out of this, any more than it had five years ago.
And he never did take too kindly to being ignored…
* * * * * * * * *
I pushed his hand off my shoulder and rose from the bed, swinging back around to face him. “Even if I do owe you something, which I’m not saying I agree with, this has nothing to do with it.” To my credit, and surprise, I actually started out rather reasonable. No yelling, no screaming, no accusations. I was quite proud of myself, truth to tell. “This is a personal decision that has nothing to do with you or Isumi-san, or anyone else at the institute.”
As he rose slowly from the bed, I could see the hesitation in his eyes, his innate good breeding warring with his rather violent temper. He was worried about me, worried that there was something seriously wrong, and I hated to play on that sympathy, but I had no other choice. He would see through a lie, he wouldn’t accept a lame excuse, and the truth was simply out of the question. But this…this he just might accept.
Finally, he crossed his arms and said steadily, “I can understand that. Sometimes things in our personal lives need to be dealt with before anything else, and I can certainly accept your need for privacy.” He paused, and I braced myself. Here came the inevitable catch…
“But whatever it is that is taking up so much of your time and energy…it can’t be permanent. Things this bad never are. Eventually, it’s going to go away. I want to know, I deserve to know, if you’re planning on returning to Go, and when you think that might happen.” His eyes sharpened. “I won’t even go into the fact that you haven’t cleared a leave of absence with the institute, which makes this whole thing even more suspicious, not to mention rude.”
And here it was, the moment of truth. Whatever I said here would decide whether or not I retained my sanity. If I said the right thing, Touya Akira the person would give me a bow, wish me the best of luck, and leave. If I said the wrong thing, Touya Akira the Go player would pounce, and by the time he was done, every shred of reason my mind possessed would be in tatters.
I took a few moments to gather my thoughts, something I don’t do very often. Normally I just spout out whatever happens to be topmost in my thoughts. But Sai taught me that words can hurt, and at that moment, if I said the wrong ones, hurt wouldn’t even begin to describe the pain I would cause both of us.
And, after what I did to Sai, I probably deserved to be in pain. But Touya didn’t. And while normally his feelings wouldn’t have mattered to me, that night, they did. More than ever.
So I waited, I thought, I collected, I opened my mouth…and I said the only thing I thought might save us both.
“This…thing that I’m dealing with right now,” I said slowly, looking into his eyes, “is not going to go away. Not for a long, long time, if ever. Something…something horrible happened, and it was my fault, and now I have to work through it. Playing Go right now would make things worse. I don’t know if that will ever change. But right now, and for the foreseeable future, I can’t play. I’m…I’m sorry.”
And, no doubt to both of our surprise, I found that I was sorry.
Unfortunately, sorry wasn’t good enough. It probably never was. Not for us.
Touya stared at me for a few moments, his sharp eyes never leaving mine. I waited, tense and, I’ll admit it, scared. The two of us might never have been friends, but I still respected him more than almost anyone else in the world. I knew I couldn’t continue on the same path I had been on, but I honestly didn’t want to go on with my life knowing that he hated me. I think that would have hurt almost as much as Sai’s disappearance.
But when he finally spoke again, I realized that there was at least one emotion worse than anger, one that I simply had no way of fighting - total, perfect, unswerving conviction. Stubbornness, if you will. A Touya Akira trademark.
“You’re telling me that you might seriously never play Go again?” He took a step forward, his eyes glinting like emerald daggers. “Honestly, Shindou. Do you really think I would allow that to happen?”
And that, my friends, is when all hell broke loose.
* * * * * * * * *
The traffic was starting to break up, and I could feel the taxi take on a more constant speed, instead of the frequent stops and starts we’d been experiencing. As long as nothing else impeded the journey, I estimated we’d reach my destination in about twenty minutes. To be honest, I didn’t really mind the delay. It gave me time to think things through, decide what I was going to say when I finally arrived.
After what I’d done, would there even be anyone there willing to welcome me?
* * * * * * * * *
I stood there, shocked into silence, while Touya continued to give me his patented Game Stare. I knew how easily it intimidated his opponents, many of whom were nervous even before the games began merely because of his reputation, but it had never had any effect on me. Instead, I just looked at him, incredulous, trying to process what he’d just said.
Does he honestly think he has that right…to tell me what I can and can’t do…can he be that arrogant…?
Apparently, he did, and he could.
After a few moments of annoyed silence, I finally managed to spit out, “What do you mean, you won’t allow that to happen? What the hell right do you have to tell me what to do?”
“I have every right!” he snarled, his expression suddenly morphing from calm assurance to furious rage. I actually took a startled step back, realizing just how close I was to getting burned. Whatever I’d said must have cut the last tie he had to his patience, and that meant it was too late for explanations. Touya would have what he wanted of me no matter what, and all I could do was wait and hope it didn’t kill me in the end.
“When you came to me, you had nothing!” he spat, crossing his arms. He began methodically pacing my room in short, angry steps, and I could almost see the smoke coming out of his ears. Clearly, he had wanted to get this out of his system for quite some time. “I don’t know what was going on with you those two first games we played in my father’s salon, but whatever it was, you lost it. When I faced you in that junior high tournament you were nothing to me! I crushed you like a bug beneath my heel, and you couldn’t do a damn thing about it.” He swung around to glare at me. “I saw your expression that day, Shindou, and I remember it like it was yesterday. Don’t even pretend that the whole reason you became an Insei and fought your way up the ranks was to do anything except face me again. You got where you are today because of me and you know it!” His face crumbled slightly, and I could tell he’d worn himself out. “Isn’t that worth something, Shindou?” he asked softly. “The truth, maybe? But at least something?”
No, it wasn’t worth something, I silently acknowledged. It was worth everything. He was right. Right about it all. Sai may have taught me everything about Go, but I wouldn’t have cared if not for the person standing in front of me. At that point in my life I was selfish enough not to care about what anyone else wanted, and I would have ignored Sai’s begging and pleading to play Go if Touya Akira hadn’t stepped into our path. I played because it had been convenient for me, because I suddenly had something to prove. I grew to love and respect Sai, of course, but, as I proved in the end, my relationship with Touya had always mattered more. That’s why I started ignoring Sai’s desire to play. Because the convenience had ended.
It was ironic, really. I had been ready to face Touya. I might not have won, but I would have put up a good enough fight to be proud. I accomplished everything I set out to do…and found that it no longer mattered. Nothing mattered, because Sai was gone, and I hadn’t been able to say goodbye.
I turned my back on Sai. Did I now have to turn my back on the only other person who had ever meant anything to me? Was I even capable of such a horrible act twice?
Apparently, I was.
* * * * * * * * *
We were leaving the inner city and soon were surrounded by tall trees and hedges. The further we drove, the larger the distance between homes, and the more expensive the land obviously became. I had never ventured into this part of the area much, except to very occasionally tutor, or attend a formal function. I’d never been to his house, and it was only sheer coincidence that I knew the address. I certainly hadn’t wanted to ask anyone for it.
“Another five minutes and we should be there, sir,” the driver announced. “Will you be needing me to wait once we arrive?”
“Yes,” I replied automatically, my mind still lost in the past. My heart twisted as I realized the probable truth of my next words. “I doubt I’ll be welcome to stay for very long.”
* * * * * * * * *
“You know what, Touya? You’re right. Is that what you want to hear? Is that what you want me to admit? Well, there you have it. You. Are. Right.”
I was angry. Angry at myself for getting into this position, angry at the world for taking Sai away from me, and, most of all, I was angry at the man in front of me for daring to tell me how to live my life. If I wanted to sulk and brood and feed my own guilt, that was my business, damn it, not his!
“But guess what?” I could feel my teeth grind against one another as I took a step forward, this time trying to intimidate him. “I don’t care! I don’t care that you’re right! I don’t care what I owe you and I don’t care that you helped make me what I am! Whatever that may be worth, it’s not worth this!” I glared at him. “Not everything is about you, Touya. And this…this most definitely is not!”
A lie? Maybe. I did care that I owed him so much and, in a rather large way, this did have a lot to do with him. But at that point, there was nothing I could do about it. This was the way it had to be.
Touya set his jaw. “So that’s it, then?” he demanded. “After everything you went through, all the work you did, you’re just going to walk away? Give up?”
Though the words tasted bitter in my mouth, I lifted my chin and nodded. “Yeah. That’s right. It’s over. I’m done.”
“You’re a coward, you know,” he taunted. “Whatever is going on with you has you running scared. I can tell that much. Are you so weak you can’t face up to the truth?”
I snapped.
“Get out, Touya!” I yelled, actually charging forward, grabbing him by the forearms, and pushing him toward the door. “Just get the hell out and leave me alone!”
“Let go of me!” he snarled, digging his heels into the carpet and pushing back with all his might. “This is insane!”
“Then get out and we can end it!” I cried.
“No!”
In a move he must have learned in some sort of martial arts class, he suddenly twisted his body, forced my right hand to release his arm, and whirled himself around my back, making him all of a sudden the one with the grip on me. Pressing his cheek to mine, his chest tight to my back and his heavy breathing warm on my ear, he informed me tightly, “I won’t let you run from me again, Shindou. I won’t!”
And then he swung me around and kissed me soundly.
* * * * * * * * *
“End of the road, sir.”
I jerked at the sound of the driver’s voice, my eyes focusing more slowly than usual in the greying light. Looking to my left, I saw a huge house, the font porch light on, and I swallowed.
What am I doing here? He’s just going to throw me out…like I did him. Nothing is going to change…is it?
“You getting out, there, or are you just here for the view?”
The man’s slightly chiding voice jolted me once more, and I shook my head to clear it. “Yeah, I’m going.” Opening the door, almost mechanically, I added, “I should be back in a few minutes. Keep the motor running.”
“Yes, sir,” he said with a grin, glancing down at the ever-increasing money-clock. I didn’t care.
Shutting the door behind me, I slowly walked up to the main entry of the house, my heart hammering in my chest.
Oh, Sai, if ever you could give me strength, now would really be the time...
Before I lost my nerve, I raised my hand and pushed the doorbell.
* * * * * * * * *
For the first thirty seconds after Touya released me, I don’t think I could breathe. I just stood there, stunned, my eyes wide and my mouth hanging open. His emerald eyes never wavered from mine, but in their depths I saw the smallest hint of worry. Of doubt.
Of fear.
He’d overstepped his boundaries in the heat of the moment and he knew it.
That was the break I needed.
Without pausing to consider the emotional ramifications of his action, I simply lunged forward and slapped him, hard enough to leave a red imprint on the side of his pale cheek. He staggered backward slightly, reaching up to cover his injury, but I also saw a flicker of resignation in his sharp eyes. He’d played his last card, and I’d thrown it back in his face without a moment’s hesitation.
“Get out,” I hissed, putting all the anger and furry I could muster into my voice. “Get out and never come back again!”
And, to his credit, Touya went. And he didn’t look back.
I fled that night.
I told my parents I had to get away. I didn’t know where I’d go or when I’d be back, if ever, but I just had to go. I know I worried my mother half to death with such a sudden outburst, but I promised to keep in touch and let her know if I ever got in trouble. I was packed, out the door, and at the bus station before she had much time to question me, anyway.
It wasn’t until later, much later, when I’d finally settled down in a small fishing village in Osaka, that I allowed myself to think about what Touya had done, and what it might have meant. At the time, I managed to convince myself that he’d simply been scared I would run, that he would never get to play his precious rival again, and that he’d do anything to keep me there. The idea that he would toy with my emotions, make me think, if even for a moment, that he might have meant what he’d done, made me more angry than anything ever had.
But, if I’m being honest, I never really believed that. Touya ever did anything impulsively, even when it seemed like he did. It took me five years, but when I woke up this morning, I was simply filled with a burning desire to know the truth.
Now it was my turn to ask why.
* * * * * * * * *
It was only after I rang the bell that I truly realized the position I was in. I still had no real plan for what I was going to do or say once I saw him, but I realized for the first time that I had more immediate problems. I had no idea who would answer the door, for instance. Would it be a servant? I had no intention if identifying myself, which, I believed, would prevent Touya from simply ignoring his “guest.” Would a maid or butler simply turn me away because of that?
Good God, what if Touya Kouyou answered the door???
I was doomed.
I almost bolted back to the taxi when the door swung open, and a middle-aged woman with a pretty smile and familiar cheekbones answered the door.
Akiko. Touya’s mother.
“Hello,” she greeted warmly. “Can I help you?”
For a moment, I couldn’t get my mouth to work, simultaneously thankful, because such a non-threatening personage had answered the door, and terrified, because now there truly was no way back.
What am I doing here...?
Just as she opened her mouth to repeat the question, I managed to blurt out, “Is Touya home? I need to see him. Right now.”
“Touya?” Akiko repeated, her brow furrowing, and I felt like slapping my forehead. Everyone in the damned house was named Touya, for God’s sake! Idiot!
“Touya Akira,” I clarified, ducking my head before the blush I felt creeping up could totally stain my cheeks. “Sorry.”
Her face immediately cleared. “Oh, of course, of course! I remember you now! You came to visit my husband when he was in the hospital after the heart attack.” She beamed down at me. “How wonderful that you’ve come to visit us again, and under much more pleasant circumstances. Please, do come in and make yourself at home. I’ll just call him down to the sitting room.”
Standing my ground, I bowed in thanks but replied, “I really shouldn’t come in. I’ve got a taxi waiting and I don’t have much time. I just…I just need to see him. It won’t take long.”
And these are hardly more pleasant circumstances...
Akiko frowned slightly, but she inclined her head. “As you wish. I’ll bring him right down.”
“Thank you, I appreciate it,” I said sincerely, and she seemed to relax slightly at my less frantic tone.
I watched her scamper away, heard her sing-sing voice calling out to her son, but I couldn’t focus on anything but the living room doorway. That’s where he would come through. Any moment now, and I’d have to face him. Any moment…
Soft footsteps gave me a five second warning before he appeared. I could tell by his expression, even before he focused on me, that he was confused. Who would be visiting the prince of solitude so late in the evening?
And then he saw me.
I could tell the moment his brain actually caught up with his eyes and fully recognized me. He stopped short, his mouth dropped open, and I could almost feel his shock and surprise.
“Shindou?” he whispered.
I took a deep breath. “Hello, Touya.”
My, how the tables had turned…
It took several more moments for his mouth to function properly, but when it finally did, he seemed incapable of forming a coherent sentence.
“When did you…why are you…what…”
“Save your questions,” I said shortly, stepping forward and deciding that, for me at least, thinking had always been overrated, and that I should just wing the damn thing. “After what happened the last time we were together, I doubt you even want to see me, and I don’t blame you. I think we both did and said things we regret that night.” My eyes locked onto his, somehow gaining newfound courage. “But all that doesn’t matter. What I want to know is why? Why did you do what you did? I have to know.”
Touya blinked. It might have been five years since we last saw one another, but there was no need to elaborate on what I meant. “What do you mean, why did I do it?” His voice took on a slightly self-deprecating tone. “Wasn’t it obvious? Painfully obvious?”
I crossed my arms. “I want to hear you say it,” I insisted. “I want to know if you did it out of sheer determination to keep me around, so you didn’t lose your favorite sparing partner without proving yourself, or if…if you meant…something…more.”
His brow furrowed in confusion, and I was about ready to take him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him…after all, didn’t he know how hard this was for me? Couldn’t he cut me some slack and just admit it? But finally, it seemed to dawn on him, and his eyes widened even further.
“You mean that you thought I…did that just to keep you around? Just so I could play you?”
I stood my ground. “Well? Didn’t you?”
Touya looked at me thoughtfully, and it almost seemed like a wave of calm settled over him.
“No,” he answered finally. “I didn’t do it just so you would continue playing Go.”
I swallowed, a sliver of fear running through me. Was this what I wanted to hear?
“So…so you meant, it, then? I mean, really meant it?”
Touya gave me a level stare. “Yes, I meant it.”
I felt the urge to run again. Why couldn’t this have been simpler?
“Do you still mean it?” I whispered.
I could see him, feel him, judging me. I knew subconsciously that this couldn’t be very easy for him, either. But I had to know. Just as he’d had to know five years ago.
“Yes, I still mean it.”
I felt something strange pass through me. What was it?
Touya stepped forward. “My turn,” he said softly. “Why did you run? Was it because you thought I’d…done that just because I wanted to keep a Go partner? Or was it something more?”
“Something more,” I replied, almost on autopilot. He meant it? Really meant it? “That was just an excuse to get you to leave me alone.”
He nodded. “So you meant what you said about not playing Go?”
He kept getting closer. That was making it rather hard to breathe.
“Yeah, I meant it.”
Even closer.
“Do you still mean it?” he asked quietly, his eyes locked on mine.
And it was then that I realized the dilemma that was in front of me, the same dilemma I’d been fighting since the first day I’d picked up a Go stone.
I started playing Go because of Touya Akira. I stopped playing because of Sai.
I had to choose, once and for all.
Who did I love more?
“Do you still mean it?” he repeated, so close his breath almost touched my cheek.
Did I?
“I don’t know,” I replied, and only then discovered that was the most honest answer I could give. “But…I’d like to find out.” I looked him in the eye for the first time that night. “And you were the only one left I could turn to.”
But I was afraid you’d hate me for pushing you away at the time when we needed each other the most…
“Tell the taxi driver that you’re staying here for the night, Shindou,” he told me, his eyes glinting. “I have a feeling this is going to take a while.”
I don’t know why I didn’t argue, but I obediently went back outside and did as he said.
“Had a warm welcome after all, did you?” the driver asked with a grin, holding his hand out for the money.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I replied absently, counting out the correct change, plus a generous tip. “I don’t know why,” I added quietly, almost to myself, “but I guess…”
“You’re always welcome at home, Hikaru. Never forget that.”
Jerking my head up at the voice, I locked onto the cabby’s face for the first time, and I felt the money slip from my suddenly numb fingers.
Violet eyes smiled up at me.
Sai...did you bring me home?
The vision was gone as quickly as it had come, and the wrinkled face and kind brown eyes of the driver returned, but it didn’t matter.
Touya. Sai. Perhaps I didn’t have to choose, after all.
Smiling, my heart lighter than it had been for five years, I picked up the money and gave it to the driver, then turned back to the house.
Silhouetted in the doorway, Touya waited for me.
Yes, this was my home. Touya was my home.
Maybe I hadn’t been possessed by a Heian spirit just so I could learn to play an old game. Maybe it had all happened just so I could meet a green-eyed, obsessive-compulsive maniac who made my heart skip a beat whenever I thought of him.
Thank you, Sai, for showing me the way…
Without a backward glance at the cabby, I walked toward my rival.
-You’re welcome, Hikaru…-
::The journey home is never too long
Your heart arrives before the train...::
-Owari-