dear ricky
Its hard to write this to you.
My dad says not everyone communicates the way I always want to. That not everyone wants to talk and dissect every little thing. I know you dont. I know theres a strong possibility that you will roll your eyes at this and throw it away and go back to thinking im hung up on you and am crazy and cant let go.
Theres this little piece of me that hopes maybe youll read it in bed fold it up and keep it private forever.
Am I stupid for having so many feelings about this?
Is it stupid that I miss everything about you?
You seem to get along just fine and I spend all day thinking about you wishing and praying that my phone will do your special vibration so i always know its you. When I see your name come up my heart freaks out. I wish I could explain it. Its like having an anxiety attack and butterflies all over.
The past 43 days since we have seen each other (yes i counted..) i have been doing everything I can to focus on myself. Loving my new job, gym like 6 days a week (i joined all by myself!!!), schools ready, ive been reading going to therapy and trying to be with some friends.
Ive gone through break ups before. I understand that life goes on. I mean shit, I had just broken up with allegra when I met you. I want to forget you but im terrified. We met as strangers and have no connections except each other. Im holding on by my fingertips and I cant figure out if I should.
I know I overwhelmed you with my planning. I apologize for that. i hate being overwhelmed so I feel bad. It all revolves around my sobriety to be honest. If im not imagining myself graduating college and having a big house with my dogs and family, im afraid Ill give up and use and ruin everything Ive worked so hard for.
Im too needy for you. I want someone to be wrapped up in me the way I am for them. You already experienced my constant need to touch or cuddle or hold hands. I like to feel secure. You really never wanted to show me off or make me yours. Of course i creeped your facebook past and you were in relationships and shouted out your girlfriends all the time. I never got that. It was hard to think about because in person you made me feel incredible. Real life was so much better than social media. But in this day and age, you have to admit its significant and it made me feel terrible deep down. But I liked you because you were my clown ninja. Someone who made me laugh, but also made me feel safe. Ricky there are so many wonderful things I just want to tell you. Why cant I? Why is it considered "too much" or "crazy" ...? I hope you are on the same page as me and dont see it that way.
Ricky you are an awesome person. You're Batman!!! Even when you were trying to break up with me you were gentle and understanding. I dont regret one single moment I spent with you..(except maybe a couple of my freak-outs..) I dont regret anything about Florida Im so happy you were the one with me I had an incredible, unforgettable experience. But even then you never put up a picture of us in florida. Not one. I guess I could never be good enough for you. Ive never had a relationship like this end. Im usually miserable and end it myself. Its been hard because I was so happy with you, besides the dread of your un-interest obviously.. I cant describe what its like to be with you, you make me tingle all over. I know we have an intense sex life..a lot of times that clouded my mind. especially breaking up..I want you so bad physically but theres no way I could say goodbye again. I'm not embarrassed to admit that no one will ever compare. Ever. Thinking about having to be physical with a different person makes me ill right now. I think about whether you changed my name from Babe to Laura in your phone. If you swapped your claddaugh ring. If you still wear anything I gave you. If you touched any other girls. Please dont touch them the way you touched me.
I could always feel that we werent quite on the same level. I had too many visions of how I wanted your life to be. Babe I cannot share you. Even now your family texts me and its okay i love them, but I dont want videos and pictures of you being sent to me. Just to put me in my place and show me who you chose in the end. I never want YOU to change..I just was so desperate to have you living with me, working and building our life together separate from your family and mine in a normal way not a controlling way. ricky just because you dont want that, that doesnt make you a bad person. You told me on the phone how bad you felt that you just werent there. Its okay. Im not mad. Actually I wish I was mad because it would probably make getting over you easier. But instead im stuck being even more sad because taking time for yourself is even more attractive haha. Im proud of you. You are doing so great staying sober and it makes me so happy. I like you. I might have loved you. There were times I really thought I did. I wanted you to know forever that you made me different. I never trusted someone so much. Even now I dont believe you're out hooking up with girls. (if you are, i dont want to know!!!) You made me want to do well in school. To work out and look good. You made me more proud of myself. When I was with you I knew my place so well. Its been a little stumble figuring myself out alone now that im a more motivated human...but I think im on the right track.
I dont know whats going to happen in the future. I dont know if youll ever call me again. I miss your stupid voice. Your face. I had to hide all our pictures in my email. I havent looked at your facebook profile in weeks. I cant stand it. As I type this, "everything is awesome" just came on the speakers haha. Its so scary the way the days go by. Every day we dont speak but the hours go by anyway. Im sad but I still have to get up at 6am. Still have to work and run and live. And at the end of the day, all I want is you to be happy. I want to imagine you laughing at the TV or chewing your stupid nail. rubbing your feet up against mine in bed and laying your head on mine. Singing all the wrong words in the car. Stealing all my mentos and bread haha. When we are driving and I can feel you just looking at me and we turn and smile at each other. Those moments are magic I dont care what anyone says. Maybe you never think about me. Maybe this seems so out of the blue and crazy and all these memories are mine alone. I dont know. I dont really care. Now you know. youve got someone else in your corner too, okay? none of it matters. I would move mountains if you needed me to. I would hold you all night if you just needed someone. This isnt me telling you Im going to hold on forever. im not begging you to come back. Im not obsessed, im not crazy. Its not weird to be sad and I cant act like everything will be fine in a day or two. you might never come back to me and that has to be okay. Life will go on. But ill be forever missing you babe. Sorry for the novel. You know me. It all spills out at once. Call if you ever want to talk.
My dad says not everyone communicates the way I always want to. That not everyone wants to talk and dissect every little thing. I know you dont. I know theres a strong possibility that you will roll your eyes at this and throw it away and go back to thinking im hung up on you and am crazy and cant let go.
Theres this little piece of me that hopes maybe youll read it in bed fold it up and keep it private forever.
Am I stupid for having so many feelings about this?
Is it stupid that I miss everything about you?
You seem to get along just fine and I spend all day thinking about you wishing and praying that my phone will do your special vibration so i always know its you. When I see your name come up my heart freaks out. I wish I could explain it. Its like having an anxiety attack and butterflies all over.
The past 43 days since we have seen each other (yes i counted..) i have been doing everything I can to focus on myself. Loving my new job, gym like 6 days a week (i joined all by myself!!!), schools ready, ive been reading going to therapy and trying to be with some friends.
Ive gone through break ups before. I understand that life goes on. I mean shit, I had just broken up with allegra when I met you. I want to forget you but im terrified. We met as strangers and have no connections except each other. Im holding on by my fingertips and I cant figure out if I should.
I know I overwhelmed you with my planning. I apologize for that. i hate being overwhelmed so I feel bad. It all revolves around my sobriety to be honest. If im not imagining myself graduating college and having a big house with my dogs and family, im afraid Ill give up and use and ruin everything Ive worked so hard for.
Im too needy for you. I want someone to be wrapped up in me the way I am for them. You already experienced my constant need to touch or cuddle or hold hands. I like to feel secure. You really never wanted to show me off or make me yours. Of course i creeped your facebook past and you were in relationships and shouted out your girlfriends all the time. I never got that. It was hard to think about because in person you made me feel incredible. Real life was so much better than social media. But in this day and age, you have to admit its significant and it made me feel terrible deep down. But I liked you because you were my clown ninja. Someone who made me laugh, but also made me feel safe. Ricky there are so many wonderful things I just want to tell you. Why cant I? Why is it considered "too much" or "crazy" ...? I hope you are on the same page as me and dont see it that way.
Ricky you are an awesome person. You're Batman!!! Even when you were trying to break up with me you were gentle and understanding. I dont regret one single moment I spent with you..(except maybe a couple of my freak-outs..) I dont regret anything about Florida Im so happy you were the one with me I had an incredible, unforgettable experience. But even then you never put up a picture of us in florida. Not one. I guess I could never be good enough for you. Ive never had a relationship like this end. Im usually miserable and end it myself. Its been hard because I was so happy with you, besides the dread of your un-interest obviously.. I cant describe what its like to be with you, you make me tingle all over. I know we have an intense sex life..a lot of times that clouded my mind. especially breaking up..I want you so bad physically but theres no way I could say goodbye again. I'm not embarrassed to admit that no one will ever compare. Ever. Thinking about having to be physical with a different person makes me ill right now. I think about whether you changed my name from Babe to Laura in your phone. If you swapped your claddaugh ring. If you still wear anything I gave you. If you touched any other girls. Please dont touch them the way you touched me.
I could always feel that we werent quite on the same level. I had too many visions of how I wanted your life to be. Babe I cannot share you. Even now your family texts me and its okay i love them, but I dont want videos and pictures of you being sent to me. Just to put me in my place and show me who you chose in the end. I never want YOU to change..I just was so desperate to have you living with me, working and building our life together separate from your family and mine in a normal way not a controlling way. ricky just because you dont want that, that doesnt make you a bad person. You told me on the phone how bad you felt that you just werent there. Its okay. Im not mad. Actually I wish I was mad because it would probably make getting over you easier. But instead im stuck being even more sad because taking time for yourself is even more attractive haha. Im proud of you. You are doing so great staying sober and it makes me so happy. I like you. I might have loved you. There were times I really thought I did. I wanted you to know forever that you made me different. I never trusted someone so much. Even now I dont believe you're out hooking up with girls. (if you are, i dont want to know!!!) You made me want to do well in school. To work out and look good. You made me more proud of myself. When I was with you I knew my place so well. Its been a little stumble figuring myself out alone now that im a more motivated human...but I think im on the right track.
I dont know whats going to happen in the future. I dont know if youll ever call me again. I miss your stupid voice. Your face. I had to hide all our pictures in my email. I havent looked at your facebook profile in weeks. I cant stand it. As I type this, "everything is awesome" just came on the speakers haha. Its so scary the way the days go by. Every day we dont speak but the hours go by anyway. Im sad but I still have to get up at 6am. Still have to work and run and live. And at the end of the day, all I want is you to be happy. I want to imagine you laughing at the TV or chewing your stupid nail. rubbing your feet up against mine in bed and laying your head on mine. Singing all the wrong words in the car. Stealing all my mentos and bread haha. When we are driving and I can feel you just looking at me and we turn and smile at each other. Those moments are magic I dont care what anyone says. Maybe you never think about me. Maybe this seems so out of the blue and crazy and all these memories are mine alone. I dont know. I dont really care. Now you know. youve got someone else in your corner too, okay? none of it matters. I would move mountains if you needed me to. I would hold you all night if you just needed someone. This isnt me telling you Im going to hold on forever. im not begging you to come back. Im not obsessed, im not crazy. Its not weird to be sad and I cant act like everything will be fine in a day or two. you might never come back to me and that has to be okay. Life will go on. But ill be forever missing you babe. Sorry for the novel. You know me. It all spills out at once. Call if you ever want to talk.