(no subject)
i dont know where to start.
this has been a time of great self realization.
ive been trying to get to the gym and focus on myself and all of that.
its hard because i miss ricky.
I was talking to my mom and have realized i was pretty miserable with that relationship except for HIM.
i liked everything about him as a person.
but his life...i cant do it.
i know if i see him again it will bring up way too much.
I cant be casual with him...can i?
yeah i cant do it. i need to push that thought right out of my head.
i know what I want in life. I want to keep working out.
I want to be thinner.
I want to be happy.
I want to live with my boyfriend.
I want him to be happy.
I want to be loved.
I want to finish school.
i want a good job that makes me some money.
when I kiss Ricky i get so into it. I could pour my whole soul into him. He doesnt feel the same way. He just isnt pulled to me the way i am to him. Is it right then to deny myself a day of happiness? I dont want to start over. I dont want someone new. I want him. I want his feet rubbing together on mine all night. i want his head on my forehead. i want to kiss him goodbye when i get up for work. i want to work out together and make protein shakes. like i cannot understand where we went wrong i was so happy. he doesnt like me that way. He cant see our future.
I dont know if thats how it is. I feel like if he sees himself with me later but needs some time to work on himself then yes id love to see him and keep our connection alive at least in the meantime. Take care of each others needs. But if this is just sex with no feelings or regard for what might happen...i just dont know. he talks sometimes as if hes expecting to be back with me. That might just be in the moment though. What on earth do i do. My heart knows already. I will be very very broken to bring him back afterwards. I want him forever. Can I see myself marrying this man? Its like maybe I dont see us being married per say but i do see us having a great future and living together and being happy together. little blue eyed Portuguese babies. if i was really bad id stop taking my birth control. i wont do that though. i have way too much to accomplish in the meantime. what am i going to do. i havent decided if i am going to see him yet. its like on one hand, i know its nnot a good idea. its not enough and it will just hurt. but then its like this might be all i ever get one last time. dont i deserve that. i want to kiss him just once more. feel his hands just once more. but i cant look at his face and say goodbye. he promised me everything was going to be okay. im so hurt by this. i cat do it anymore i cant text him ever anymore. idk why i still do. i need to delete him from my phone. i need fucking help im crumbling. im faking everything its insanity. im not happy. fuckkkkkkkkkk its almost time to clean and go home. these days go by pretty quickly.
this has been a time of great self realization.
ive been trying to get to the gym and focus on myself and all of that.
its hard because i miss ricky.
I was talking to my mom and have realized i was pretty miserable with that relationship except for HIM.
i liked everything about him as a person.
but his life...i cant do it.
i know if i see him again it will bring up way too much.
I cant be casual with him...can i?
yeah i cant do it. i need to push that thought right out of my head.
i know what I want in life. I want to keep working out.
I want to be thinner.
I want to be happy.
I want to live with my boyfriend.
I want him to be happy.
I want to be loved.
I want to finish school.
i want a good job that makes me some money.
when I kiss Ricky i get so into it. I could pour my whole soul into him. He doesnt feel the same way. He just isnt pulled to me the way i am to him. Is it right then to deny myself a day of happiness? I dont want to start over. I dont want someone new. I want him. I want his feet rubbing together on mine all night. i want his head on my forehead. i want to kiss him goodbye when i get up for work. i want to work out together and make protein shakes. like i cannot understand where we went wrong i was so happy. he doesnt like me that way. He cant see our future.
I dont know if thats how it is. I feel like if he sees himself with me later but needs some time to work on himself then yes id love to see him and keep our connection alive at least in the meantime. Take care of each others needs. But if this is just sex with no feelings or regard for what might happen...i just dont know. he talks sometimes as if hes expecting to be back with me. That might just be in the moment though. What on earth do i do. My heart knows already. I will be very very broken to bring him back afterwards. I want him forever. Can I see myself marrying this man? Its like maybe I dont see us being married per say but i do see us having a great future and living together and being happy together. little blue eyed Portuguese babies. if i was really bad id stop taking my birth control. i wont do that though. i have way too much to accomplish in the meantime. what am i going to do. i havent decided if i am going to see him yet. its like on one hand, i know its nnot a good idea. its not enough and it will just hurt. but then its like this might be all i ever get one last time. dont i deserve that. i want to kiss him just once more. feel his hands just once more. but i cant look at his face and say goodbye. he promised me everything was going to be okay. im so hurt by this. i cat do it anymore i cant text him ever anymore. idk why i still do. i need to delete him from my phone. i need fucking help im crumbling. im faking everything its insanity. im not happy. fuckkkkkkkkkk its almost time to clean and go home. these days go by pretty quickly.