Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #11: Jessica's No Angel
The amazing fox1013 got me a pile of SVT and Unicorn Club books for recapping. Though they've already been recapped, I'm excited because I never read them myself. I'm starting with the "Super" edition. I use "super" in sarcastic quote marks.
Let's start with the title: "Jessica's No Angel." Really, book? What gave that away? I never would have guessed!
The book opens with Queen Janet Howell complaining about her former boyfriend, Denny Jacobson. He's annoying and stupid, etc, etc. (Of course he is! He dated Janet!) Janet called an emergency meeting of the Unicorn Club for this venting. Now I'm totally convinced that all the 8th graders hate Janet. Why else would she hang with the younger kids? And she's making her love life mandatory club business? Obviously, she has no friends.
Book tells me that Lila and Janet are cousins. Adopted, maybe. I refuse to believe Lila has any of this loser DNA.
Anyway, Denny ditched Janet. They were supposed to go out for Crumb Cake (really? 8th graders are big fans of the crumb cake?) but Denny lied and said he had a science test. He played basketball with Bruce and Aaron instead. Again, I offer this as proof that no one likes Janet.
Janet's solution to this problem is to start a petition saying that no one as SV Middle can lie. If they lie, they have to wear a hideous t-shirt that says "I'm a Liar." More evidence! If Janet were related to Lila, then she'd want revenge on Denny and like, key his car. Lila doesn't start petitions. Petitions are lame. I want to start a petition against petitions.
Obviously, this "no lying" thing is going to be a problem for Jessica. Lying is her main form of communication!
Mr. Davis tells the kids that, for the end of the year, Sweet Valley Middle is going to have a big school-wide picnic. Really? Not a dance? That's new. I'm not sure how to react to this. Let's just assume there will be dancing at the picnic, because otherwise my brain gets all discombobulated.
Todd asks Liz to go to the picnic with him. Liz is all aflutter. But, really, it's a school-wide picnic. They were both going anyway even if they weren't going together. It's kind of a lame date. Like Todd.
By lunch, all the Unicorns except Jessica, Janet and Lila have dates for the picnic. Janet is bitchy and grouchy about it. Jessica wants to go with Aaron Dallas, her middle school OTP. Lila wants to go with Bruce Patman. For reals? Bruce/Lila started in SVT? Why was I not informed of this? I thought they hated each other until the plane crash of awesome wolf attacks? Janet doesn't want to go to the picnic with anyone but Denny (even Johnny Buck!) but she still hates Denny, so that's a problem. She demands that Lila and Jessica keep her company at the picnic since they don't have dates. Now she has to order people to hang out with her; that's just sad.
Jessica and Lila then get to scheming because, obviously, this cannot happen. (Lila: "I mean, the day that Mary Wallace has a date and I don't--well, something is horribly wrong in the universe.") Jessica says they both can't hang out with Janet at the picnic, whichever one of them gets asked out first can bail. Naturally, Jessica assumes this will be her and Lila assumes the opposite.
The Wakefields have dinner together. Jessica impatiently waits for the phone to ring. It does not. But that doesn't stop Jessica from hitting Ned and Alice up for money for an outfit. They say she can have extra cash if she gets a B or higher on her math test. That's a silly deal because what are the chances Ned and Alice ever know what grades their kids get? Anyway, the doorbell rings and Jessica thinks it's Aaron. ... But it's not. It's Lila. She got a perm and... it's no good.
Oh, Lila, why would you ever ruin your long glossy hair with a perm? Obviously being in love with Bruce is rattling your brain. I'd declare this anathema but I think we all went through a bad hair phase in middle school. Especially regarding perms. For some reason, everyone wanted one but they didn't look right on anyone above the age of 70. I curled my hair until I looked like Shirley Temple. I thought it was awesome. Oh, and don't get me started on the 80's hair-sprayed bangs. I don't want to talk about it. *shudder*
Jessica lies (!) and says it looks great, hoping that Bruce will be shallow and not ask Lila out because of it. So basically Jessica kept her promise not to lie for like a chapter. That was actually longer than I was expecting.
The day day, 8th grade girls make fun of Lila. Liz is all, "You should stick up for her, Jessica, she is your best friend." Liz continues with her standard St. Liz lecture. Jessica tunes her out, as you would. Then she gets to math class and finds she got a C on the math test. Apparently the metric system is very confusing for Jessica. Maybe that's why she can't go to London with Liz in the "Elizabeth" series; she just can't figure out the damn measurements!
Jessica asks her math teacher to raise her grade. He suggests, for extra credit, she could come walk his dog and measure stuff in feet and meters as she walks. Really? No one is going to comment on how he's making her do his chores? I mean, how does the dog help her understanding of the metric system? Then he gives her keys to his house so she can get the dog. If I were a teacher I'd never give pre-teens keys to my house. Mr. Glennon is getting into the "Mr. Collins if You're Nasty" area here.
While Jessica is walking "Sparky," the dog, she runs into Denny the Liar at the Crumb Cake Place. Denny says he didn't lie; he really did have a science test. He scheduled a tutoring session but his tutor had a family emergency, and he couldn't get a hold of Janet. Jessica's all, "Just tell Janet that." And Denny's like, "Fuck her. She should know I'm not a liar. She should apologize to me." She should also get real friends, but that's not really relevant.
Ned and Alice give Jessica the money for getting a B on her math test, obviously unconcerned that she really got a C and just did random favors for the teacher to get her grade raised. Then she goes to Casey's, hoping Aaron will ask her out. She runs into Bruce who is all, "Did you see how stupid Lila's hair looks?" So Bruce asks Jessica to the picnic instead of Lila (big mistake, buddy) and she says yes, because it she's afraid of having to be the one to hang with Janet. Then when she actually gets to Casey's, Aaron asks her too. Jessica says yes because she wanted to go with Aaron anyway!
Janet is sitting at Casey's all alone. See, Lila has hit it off with some guy named Mike. He asked her to the dance. So... that means Lila did get a date before Jessica, even if JW has two. Now Jessica has to be the rent-a-friend at the picnic. I guess that is kind of like three dates.
Jessica decides the solution to her problems is to get Janet and Denny back together. Except she'll still have two dates then and Aaron and Bruce are supposed to be friends in this universe so the chances that they might find out about her two-timing is fairly high. Jessica is obviously thinking this through!
Jessica lies to Denny a lot. Then goes to Janet's and lies to her a lot. All in hopes that they will get back together without either one of them apologizing to the other.
Jessica heads home and crows to Elizabeth what a great day she had. Really? It sounds kind of shitty to me. Liz gives Jessica another lecture on lying. Lying is bad; we get it, book. Seriously, there is so much talk about how bad lying is, I'm starting to feel bad for lying. Like it's the underdog in a fight. Or the kid that is always picked on. Leave lying along, Liz; can't you see he's been through enough?!?
Bitter that her sister isn't on her side, Jessica goes to her room. She sees a shooting star and wishes on it that Liz will see why you can't tell the truth "100%" of the time. Because this is a Sweet Valley Super Edition, we know that wishes on stars, like crazy dreams about Tom Sawyer, always come true.
The next day, Liz says insensitive things to Mr. Bowman. She tells him she hasn't started her essay because the topic is boring. Which... is actually a lie. Earlier in the book she had it done but forgot to save it, so she needs to start it all again. This ghostwriter can't even keep up with her own continuity, let alone the complex life histories of Bruce and Lila.
Lila is sad that no one has told her how awesome her hair looks. Jessica says they are just jealous. Liz happens to be walking by at that moment and Lila says she wants the "average" person's opinion on her hair (aka she doesn't trust Jessica). Liz replies that she is "above average" ... Okay so the ghostwriter does have Liz's annoying sense of superiority down pat. Then she says Lila's hair looks terrible and then proceeds to say that everyone is laughing at her and Jessica won't tell her. Hurt, Lila tells Jessica that she never wants to speak to her again! (That lasts all of five minutes though.)
Then, unsatisfied with breaking up Jess and Lila, Liz goes to ruin Jessica's relationship with Arron. See it turns out that Bruce also has two dates to the picnic and was planning to pull the same bullshit Jessica was going to do. He tells Aaron all about it, but fails to mention the girls' names. Aaron tells him that is horrible and Liz overhears the whole thing. She tells Aaron about Jessica. Brokenhearted, Aaron storms off to go break his date with Jessica.
Boy, your wish is really working out for you, Jessica. Way to show Elizabeth.
Elizabeth runs into Lila and asks her if she has seen Janet. See, in her unable to tell a lie capacity, Liz is actively going out of her way to tell people when they've been lied to. She wants to tell Janet what Jessica did to get her and Denny back together. Lila is like, "Are you off your gourd? Janet was insufferable when they were broken up? Just be cool, St. Elizabeth! Damn!"
Jessica accuses Liz of telling Aaron, and Liz does not deny it. Then she tells Jessica about how she has to breakup Denny and Janet and Jessica has the same reaction as Lila. She basically bends over backwards to keep Liz away from Denny and Janet, which she manages to do. But then Liz runs into Bruce and she has to tell Bruce about how Jessica had two dates. Bruce thinks Liz is trying to ask him out, which is totally Bruce-y, and then he's like, "What kind of shitty sister are you to rat her out to me?" You guys, Bruce Patman has a point.
Anyway, Bruce dumps Jessica. Then Denny and Janet find out (on their own) about Jessica's lies and they break up again. This is way too much pre-teen romantic drama for me. Why does everyone care so much about a stupid picnic anyway?
At dinner, Liz tells Ned and Alice about Jessica's magically changing grade. Here's a surprise: they actually give a shit. Here's how it should've gone:
Ned Wakefield: You mean to tell me that you dog-walked your way from a C to a B?
Jessica Wakefield: Totally based on my powers of walking and counting at the same time. You proud?
Ned Wakefield: Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.
That night, Jessica wishes on a star that Liz will stop telling the damn truth.
So the next day, Liz wakes up and begins lying her ass off to everyone. She tells Jessica that she makes the best toast she ever tasted (what the what?). Then she lies to Aaron that Jessica really turned Bruce Patman down but he's such a conceited asshole that he assumed she said yes; Jessica really just wanted to go with Aaron. She makes up a really bad Liz-the-Bard story about a puppy eating her essay for Mr. Bowman. Then she tells Janet that Jessica really looks up to her and thinks of her as a best friend (somewhere in the cafeteria, Lila is barfing) and she just knew that deep down Janet wanted to go to the picnic with Denny so she just lied for Janet since she's such a good friend, or whatever.
Of course, because she's St. Elizabeth everyone believes these massive, massive lies. So when Aaron re-asks Jessica to the picnic, Janet interrupts that she and Jessica are going to hang out together as "best friends." Like a date! But for girls since friends are more important than boys! It's possible Janet is a little bit gay.
Then Liz tells Lila that, "I love you like a sister." And Lila is like "Come again?" Then she admits she has a plan to get back at Jessica, but she needs Jessica to not be grounded anymore. Liz says she can do that. The lying to Ned and Alice is pretty much glossed over, because they are easy to fool.
Lila takes Jessica to a fancy hair salon in LA. They are both getting complete makeovers. Jessica is so excited. I bet you can all guess what is coming, but Jessica can't. See Lila has arranged for Jessica to get a perm just as "beautiful" as Lila's. Meanwhile, Lila has gotten her own hair unpermed. So she looks fabulous and Jessica looks ridiculous.
Lucky for Jessica, it rains that night and she sees Sparky the dog running--alone--down the street. We're not supposed to know it yet, but let's face it we've all seen Legally Blonde. The the rules of hair care are simple and finite. It's the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you are forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate! Sparky is about to save Jessica's hair.
While she is out searching for Sparky, Liz comes outside and the twins fight. Jessica says, "You've meddled in my life for the last time!" which makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. I mean, this is only Sweet Valley Twins, there are at least five more series of meddling to go! Jessica basically tells Liz to get lost and Liz cries. Because that's what she does.
While searching for poor, terrified Sparky in the pouring rain (which is actually a pretty nice thing for Jessica to do, I should note), she wishes (ding!) that Liz would go back to normal. Then Sparky runs into Denny Jacobson's garage. He's all, "What the fuck are you doing here?" And she's like, "I'm taking care of teacher's dog because obviously he can't be bothered to walk it or even make sure it's okay in a lightning storm. Us Wakefields take care of everything around here. Teddy Collins would be dead ten times over if it weren't for Liz." I kid, she doesn't say any of that.
Sparky is quivering and hiding under Denny's brother's car. Aw. Poor puppy. I mean, I know a lot of dogs that are scared of thunderstorms and it makes my heart hurt to think of a poor soaked dog with Jessica Wakefield as the responsible party. That mental image is just getting to me.
Denny and Jessica need something to coax Sparky out from under the car. They remember that when Denny ran into Jessica walking him before (when she lied about Janet to him), the dog really liked the Crumb Cake, so they go to the bakery. But the bakery lady says she sold the last crumb cake to the other customer--Janet. Who knew crumb cake could be this involved? I mean, I think the author has an unhealthy crumb cake obsession because it's always capitalized which doesn't seem right to me. It's not a proper name or something, like Mr. Crumb B. Cake or whatever. I digress.
Of course Janet thinks they are on a date, and gets all huffy. But then she and Denny make up. The book then mentions Denny and Jessica getting on their bikes and peddling back to his house. Seriously? I don't think you're supposed to be bike riding in a thunderstorm. Where are their parents? Oh right. Sweet Valley.
Sparky is still trembling under the car (OMG. This dog. I am so worried about him!). They offer him crumb cake but he's still scared, so Denny and Jessica pretend to be having a relaxed old time (I imagine them pretending to be having crumb cake at High Tea or something and saying "Cheerio!") so the dog will feel more relaxed and finally he comes out. I love him. I mean, he's scared of storms but loves baked goods; he's a dog after my own heart.
Jessica arrives back at the Split-Level Ranch in the middle of the night. She tries to explain to Ned and Alice that she was saving a dog with crumb cake, but they do not believe her story. (Yet they buy other whoppers Jessica tells. How unfair.)
When Jessica wakes up for school her hair is magically fixed and the ghostwriter explains to us how you're not supposed to wet your hair after a perm. Jesus, ghostwriter, every Cosmo girl knows that!
At school, Bruce tries to ask Lila to the dance. See the other girl, Christy, dumped him when she found out about the two-timing. Lila is like, "Gee, I'm so glad to know I'm your third choice." Basically she tells him to shove it and she's not interested (until the plane crash of wolf attacks, that is). She's still going to the picnic with that Mike fellow who didn't care if she had weird hair.
Jessica explains to Aaron that she wasn't really interested in Bruce and she just accepted him to win the bet. She always wanted to go to the picnic with Aaron. He's kind of like, "That's a weird story" and doesn't believe her. Then she explains about how rotten Janet was acting and I think that sells it for him; everyone must know how crazy Janet is. Aaron tells Jessica that Denny and Janet got back together so she doesn't have to go as "Janet's friend" anymore. Aaron re-asks Jessica to the picnic. But Jessica says she can't go because Ned and Alice decided to parent this book.
Janet preens to the Unicorns about how great Denny is and he gave her a stupid bracelet or whatever. It's really nice of Denny to offer himself up as a human sacrifice for everyone else's wellbeing like that.
Here's Lila's advice to Jessica about the picnic: Beg. Hee! Lila makes me laugh. She seems to have gotten over Jessica not having a perm without any difficulty. I bet she took pictures of Jessica's face at the reveal so it doesn't really matter.
Ned and Alice don't need to be begged though. Mr. Glennon called them into a parent teacher conference to tell them how Jessica saved Sparky. And, not only is he a shitty dog owner, he's a shitty teacher too! Because he also admits he graded Jessica's test wrong and she did get a B without the extra credit. (This is some serious SV bullshit right here.) So they un-ground her and Jessica calls Aaron with the good news.
Liz and Jess make up. Liz tells Jessica she's writing her stupid essay for Mr. Bowman on "Truth or Consequences." I assume she doesn't mean the town in New Mexico--but that would be an awesome essay.
Everyone goes to the picnic. Here's how the date tally ends up:
Liz and Todd
Amy and Ken Matthews (is he blind again?)
Jessica and Aaron Dallas
Winston and Grace Oliver
Janet and Denny
Lila and Mike McClusky
Mandy and Peter Burns
Ellen and Jim Sturbridge
At the picnic, Mr. Clark shows up wearing a bright orange t-shirt that says "I Am a Liar." He says someone placed a huge order for them and then never picked them up, so they were on sale. Um, why would you buy an "I Am a Liar" t-shirt even if it's cheap? And then wear it around your students? Way to instill confidence about your position as an authority figure.
The Unicorns decide to start a petition against ugly t-shirts with dumb slogans on them. Man, are they going to hate the 2000s.
Let's start with the title: "Jessica's No Angel." Really, book? What gave that away? I never would have guessed!
The book opens with Queen Janet Howell complaining about her former boyfriend, Denny Jacobson. He's annoying and stupid, etc, etc. (Of course he is! He dated Janet!) Janet called an emergency meeting of the Unicorn Club for this venting. Now I'm totally convinced that all the 8th graders hate Janet. Why else would she hang with the younger kids? And she's making her love life mandatory club business? Obviously, she has no friends.
Book tells me that Lila and Janet are cousins. Adopted, maybe. I refuse to believe Lila has any of this loser DNA.
Anyway, Denny ditched Janet. They were supposed to go out for Crumb Cake (really? 8th graders are big fans of the crumb cake?) but Denny lied and said he had a science test. He played basketball with Bruce and Aaron instead. Again, I offer this as proof that no one likes Janet.
Janet's solution to this problem is to start a petition saying that no one as SV Middle can lie. If they lie, they have to wear a hideous t-shirt that says "I'm a Liar." More evidence! If Janet were related to Lila, then she'd want revenge on Denny and like, key his car. Lila doesn't start petitions. Petitions are lame. I want to start a petition against petitions.
Obviously, this "no lying" thing is going to be a problem for Jessica. Lying is her main form of communication!
Mr. Davis tells the kids that, for the end of the year, Sweet Valley Middle is going to have a big school-wide picnic. Really? Not a dance? That's new. I'm not sure how to react to this. Let's just assume there will be dancing at the picnic, because otherwise my brain gets all discombobulated.
Todd asks Liz to go to the picnic with him. Liz is all aflutter. But, really, it's a school-wide picnic. They were both going anyway even if they weren't going together. It's kind of a lame date. Like Todd.
By lunch, all the Unicorns except Jessica, Janet and Lila have dates for the picnic. Janet is bitchy and grouchy about it. Jessica wants to go with Aaron Dallas, her middle school OTP. Lila wants to go with Bruce Patman. For reals? Bruce/Lila started in SVT? Why was I not informed of this? I thought they hated each other until the plane crash of awesome wolf attacks? Janet doesn't want to go to the picnic with anyone but Denny (even Johnny Buck!) but she still hates Denny, so that's a problem. She demands that Lila and Jessica keep her company at the picnic since they don't have dates. Now she has to order people to hang out with her; that's just sad.
Jessica and Lila then get to scheming because, obviously, this cannot happen. (Lila: "I mean, the day that Mary Wallace has a date and I don't--well, something is horribly wrong in the universe.") Jessica says they both can't hang out with Janet at the picnic, whichever one of them gets asked out first can bail. Naturally, Jessica assumes this will be her and Lila assumes the opposite.
The Wakefields have dinner together. Jessica impatiently waits for the phone to ring. It does not. But that doesn't stop Jessica from hitting Ned and Alice up for money for an outfit. They say she can have extra cash if she gets a B or higher on her math test. That's a silly deal because what are the chances Ned and Alice ever know what grades their kids get? Anyway, the doorbell rings and Jessica thinks it's Aaron. ... But it's not. It's Lila. She got a perm and... it's no good.
Oh, Lila, why would you ever ruin your long glossy hair with a perm? Obviously being in love with Bruce is rattling your brain. I'd declare this anathema but I think we all went through a bad hair phase in middle school. Especially regarding perms. For some reason, everyone wanted one but they didn't look right on anyone above the age of 70. I curled my hair until I looked like Shirley Temple. I thought it was awesome. Oh, and don't get me started on the 80's hair-sprayed bangs. I don't want to talk about it. *shudder*
Jessica lies (!) and says it looks great, hoping that Bruce will be shallow and not ask Lila out because of it. So basically Jessica kept her promise not to lie for like a chapter. That was actually longer than I was expecting.
The day day, 8th grade girls make fun of Lila. Liz is all, "You should stick up for her, Jessica, she is your best friend." Liz continues with her standard St. Liz lecture. Jessica tunes her out, as you would. Then she gets to math class and finds she got a C on the math test. Apparently the metric system is very confusing for Jessica. Maybe that's why she can't go to London with Liz in the "Elizabeth" series; she just can't figure out the damn measurements!
Jessica asks her math teacher to raise her grade. He suggests, for extra credit, she could come walk his dog and measure stuff in feet and meters as she walks. Really? No one is going to comment on how he's making her do his chores? I mean, how does the dog help her understanding of the metric system? Then he gives her keys to his house so she can get the dog. If I were a teacher I'd never give pre-teens keys to my house. Mr. Glennon is getting into the "Mr. Collins if You're Nasty" area here.
While Jessica is walking "Sparky," the dog, she runs into Denny the Liar at the Crumb Cake Place. Denny says he didn't lie; he really did have a science test. He scheduled a tutoring session but his tutor had a family emergency, and he couldn't get a hold of Janet. Jessica's all, "Just tell Janet that." And Denny's like, "Fuck her. She should know I'm not a liar. She should apologize to me." She should also get real friends, but that's not really relevant.
Ned and Alice give Jessica the money for getting a B on her math test, obviously unconcerned that she really got a C and just did random favors for the teacher to get her grade raised. Then she goes to Casey's, hoping Aaron will ask her out. She runs into Bruce who is all, "Did you see how stupid Lila's hair looks?" So Bruce asks Jessica to the picnic instead of Lila (big mistake, buddy) and she says yes, because it she's afraid of having to be the one to hang with Janet. Then when she actually gets to Casey's, Aaron asks her too. Jessica says yes because she wanted to go with Aaron anyway!
Janet is sitting at Casey's all alone. See, Lila has hit it off with some guy named Mike. He asked her to the dance. So... that means Lila did get a date before Jessica, even if JW has two. Now Jessica has to be the rent-a-friend at the picnic. I guess that is kind of like three dates.
Jessica decides the solution to her problems is to get Janet and Denny back together. Except she'll still have two dates then and Aaron and Bruce are supposed to be friends in this universe so the chances that they might find out about her two-timing is fairly high. Jessica is obviously thinking this through!
Jessica lies to Denny a lot. Then goes to Janet's and lies to her a lot. All in hopes that they will get back together without either one of them apologizing to the other.
Jessica heads home and crows to Elizabeth what a great day she had. Really? It sounds kind of shitty to me. Liz gives Jessica another lecture on lying. Lying is bad; we get it, book. Seriously, there is so much talk about how bad lying is, I'm starting to feel bad for lying. Like it's the underdog in a fight. Or the kid that is always picked on. Leave lying along, Liz; can't you see he's been through enough?!?
Bitter that her sister isn't on her side, Jessica goes to her room. She sees a shooting star and wishes on it that Liz will see why you can't tell the truth "100%" of the time. Because this is a Sweet Valley Super Edition, we know that wishes on stars, like crazy dreams about Tom Sawyer, always come true.
The next day, Liz says insensitive things to Mr. Bowman. She tells him she hasn't started her essay because the topic is boring. Which... is actually a lie. Earlier in the book she had it done but forgot to save it, so she needs to start it all again. This ghostwriter can't even keep up with her own continuity, let alone the complex life histories of Bruce and Lila.
Lila is sad that no one has told her how awesome her hair looks. Jessica says they are just jealous. Liz happens to be walking by at that moment and Lila says she wants the "average" person's opinion on her hair (aka she doesn't trust Jessica). Liz replies that she is "above average" ... Okay so the ghostwriter does have Liz's annoying sense of superiority down pat. Then she says Lila's hair looks terrible and then proceeds to say that everyone is laughing at her and Jessica won't tell her. Hurt, Lila tells Jessica that she never wants to speak to her again! (That lasts all of five minutes though.)
Then, unsatisfied with breaking up Jess and Lila, Liz goes to ruin Jessica's relationship with Arron. See it turns out that Bruce also has two dates to the picnic and was planning to pull the same bullshit Jessica was going to do. He tells Aaron all about it, but fails to mention the girls' names. Aaron tells him that is horrible and Liz overhears the whole thing. She tells Aaron about Jessica. Brokenhearted, Aaron storms off to go break his date with Jessica.
Boy, your wish is really working out for you, Jessica. Way to show Elizabeth.
Elizabeth runs into Lila and asks her if she has seen Janet. See, in her unable to tell a lie capacity, Liz is actively going out of her way to tell people when they've been lied to. She wants to tell Janet what Jessica did to get her and Denny back together. Lila is like, "Are you off your gourd? Janet was insufferable when they were broken up? Just be cool, St. Elizabeth! Damn!"
Jessica accuses Liz of telling Aaron, and Liz does not deny it. Then she tells Jessica about how she has to breakup Denny and Janet and Jessica has the same reaction as Lila. She basically bends over backwards to keep Liz away from Denny and Janet, which she manages to do. But then Liz runs into Bruce and she has to tell Bruce about how Jessica had two dates. Bruce thinks Liz is trying to ask him out, which is totally Bruce-y, and then he's like, "What kind of shitty sister are you to rat her out to me?" You guys, Bruce Patman has a point.
Anyway, Bruce dumps Jessica. Then Denny and Janet find out (on their own) about Jessica's lies and they break up again. This is way too much pre-teen romantic drama for me. Why does everyone care so much about a stupid picnic anyway?
At dinner, Liz tells Ned and Alice about Jessica's magically changing grade. Here's a surprise: they actually give a shit. Here's how it should've gone:
Ned Wakefield: You mean to tell me that you dog-walked your way from a C to a B?
Jessica Wakefield: Totally based on my powers of walking and counting at the same time. You proud?
Ned Wakefield: Honey, I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades.
That night, Jessica wishes on a star that Liz will stop telling the damn truth.
So the next day, Liz wakes up and begins lying her ass off to everyone. She tells Jessica that she makes the best toast she ever tasted (what the what?). Then she lies to Aaron that Jessica really turned Bruce Patman down but he's such a conceited asshole that he assumed she said yes; Jessica really just wanted to go with Aaron. She makes up a really bad Liz-the-Bard story about a puppy eating her essay for Mr. Bowman. Then she tells Janet that Jessica really looks up to her and thinks of her as a best friend (somewhere in the cafeteria, Lila is barfing) and she just knew that deep down Janet wanted to go to the picnic with Denny so she just lied for Janet since she's such a good friend, or whatever.
Of course, because she's St. Elizabeth everyone believes these massive, massive lies. So when Aaron re-asks Jessica to the picnic, Janet interrupts that she and Jessica are going to hang out together as "best friends." Like a date! But for girls since friends are more important than boys! It's possible Janet is a little bit gay.
Then Liz tells Lila that, "I love you like a sister." And Lila is like "Come again?" Then she admits she has a plan to get back at Jessica, but she needs Jessica to not be grounded anymore. Liz says she can do that. The lying to Ned and Alice is pretty much glossed over, because they are easy to fool.
Lila takes Jessica to a fancy hair salon in LA. They are both getting complete makeovers. Jessica is so excited. I bet you can all guess what is coming, but Jessica can't. See Lila has arranged for Jessica to get a perm just as "beautiful" as Lila's. Meanwhile, Lila has gotten her own hair unpermed. So she looks fabulous and Jessica looks ridiculous.
Lucky for Jessica, it rains that night and she sees Sparky the dog running--alone--down the street. We're not supposed to know it yet, but let's face it we've all seen Legally Blonde. The the rules of hair care are simple and finite. It's the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you are forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate! Sparky is about to save Jessica's hair.
While she is out searching for Sparky, Liz comes outside and the twins fight. Jessica says, "You've meddled in my life for the last time!" which makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. I mean, this is only Sweet Valley Twins, there are at least five more series of meddling to go! Jessica basically tells Liz to get lost and Liz cries. Because that's what she does.
While searching for poor, terrified Sparky in the pouring rain (which is actually a pretty nice thing for Jessica to do, I should note), she wishes (ding!) that Liz would go back to normal. Then Sparky runs into Denny Jacobson's garage. He's all, "What the fuck are you doing here?" And she's like, "I'm taking care of teacher's dog because obviously he can't be bothered to walk it or even make sure it's okay in a lightning storm. Us Wakefields take care of everything around here. Teddy Collins would be dead ten times over if it weren't for Liz." I kid, she doesn't say any of that.
Sparky is quivering and hiding under Denny's brother's car. Aw. Poor puppy. I mean, I know a lot of dogs that are scared of thunderstorms and it makes my heart hurt to think of a poor soaked dog with Jessica Wakefield as the responsible party. That mental image is just getting to me.
Denny and Jessica need something to coax Sparky out from under the car. They remember that when Denny ran into Jessica walking him before (when she lied about Janet to him), the dog really liked the Crumb Cake, so they go to the bakery. But the bakery lady says she sold the last crumb cake to the other customer--Janet. Who knew crumb cake could be this involved? I mean, I think the author has an unhealthy crumb cake obsession because it's always capitalized which doesn't seem right to me. It's not a proper name or something, like Mr. Crumb B. Cake or whatever. I digress.
Of course Janet thinks they are on a date, and gets all huffy. But then she and Denny make up. The book then mentions Denny and Jessica getting on their bikes and peddling back to his house. Seriously? I don't think you're supposed to be bike riding in a thunderstorm. Where are their parents? Oh right. Sweet Valley.
Sparky is still trembling under the car (OMG. This dog. I am so worried about him!). They offer him crumb cake but he's still scared, so Denny and Jessica pretend to be having a relaxed old time (I imagine them pretending to be having crumb cake at High Tea or something and saying "Cheerio!") so the dog will feel more relaxed and finally he comes out. I love him. I mean, he's scared of storms but loves baked goods; he's a dog after my own heart.
Jessica arrives back at the Split-Level Ranch in the middle of the night. She tries to explain to Ned and Alice that she was saving a dog with crumb cake, but they do not believe her story. (Yet they buy other whoppers Jessica tells. How unfair.)
When Jessica wakes up for school her hair is magically fixed and the ghostwriter explains to us how you're not supposed to wet your hair after a perm. Jesus, ghostwriter, every Cosmo girl knows that!
At school, Bruce tries to ask Lila to the dance. See the other girl, Christy, dumped him when she found out about the two-timing. Lila is like, "Gee, I'm so glad to know I'm your third choice." Basically she tells him to shove it and she's not interested (until the plane crash of wolf attacks, that is). She's still going to the picnic with that Mike fellow who didn't care if she had weird hair.
Jessica explains to Aaron that she wasn't really interested in Bruce and she just accepted him to win the bet. She always wanted to go to the picnic with Aaron. He's kind of like, "That's a weird story" and doesn't believe her. Then she explains about how rotten Janet was acting and I think that sells it for him; everyone must know how crazy Janet is. Aaron tells Jessica that Denny and Janet got back together so she doesn't have to go as "Janet's friend" anymore. Aaron re-asks Jessica to the picnic. But Jessica says she can't go because Ned and Alice decided to parent this book.
Janet preens to the Unicorns about how great Denny is and he gave her a stupid bracelet or whatever. It's really nice of Denny to offer himself up as a human sacrifice for everyone else's wellbeing like that.
Here's Lila's advice to Jessica about the picnic: Beg. Hee! Lila makes me laugh. She seems to have gotten over Jessica not having a perm without any difficulty. I bet she took pictures of Jessica's face at the reveal so it doesn't really matter.
Ned and Alice don't need to be begged though. Mr. Glennon called them into a parent teacher conference to tell them how Jessica saved Sparky. And, not only is he a shitty dog owner, he's a shitty teacher too! Because he also admits he graded Jessica's test wrong and she did get a B without the extra credit. (This is some serious SV bullshit right here.) So they un-ground her and Jessica calls Aaron with the good news.
Liz and Jess make up. Liz tells Jessica she's writing her stupid essay for Mr. Bowman on "Truth or Consequences." I assume she doesn't mean the town in New Mexico--but that would be an awesome essay.
Everyone goes to the picnic. Here's how the date tally ends up:
Liz and Todd
Amy and Ken Matthews (is he blind again?)
Jessica and Aaron Dallas
Winston and Grace Oliver
Janet and Denny
Lila and Mike McClusky
Mandy and Peter Burns
Ellen and Jim Sturbridge
At the picnic, Mr. Clark shows up wearing a bright orange t-shirt that says "I Am a Liar." He says someone placed a huge order for them and then never picked them up, so they were on sale. Um, why would you buy an "I Am a Liar" t-shirt even if it's cheap? And then wear it around your students? Way to instill confidence about your position as an authority figure.
The Unicorns decide to start a petition against ugly t-shirts with dumb slogans on them. Man, are they going to hate the 2000s.