SVU # 10: No Means No
Ahhh, SVU. So clearly inspired by the college adventures of our friends at West Beverly. There are two storylines stolen(ish) from Steve Sanders: date rape, and the Greek blackball ceremony.
Sadly, I couldn't find the cover anywhere. It shows James in his football uniform, clutching his helmet and gazing adoringly at one Jessica Wakefield (the artist formerly known as Mrs. Mike McCallery) in an SVU sweatshirt with a cheerleading skirt. When I first looked at it, I was like, "Ummmm, Jessica's totally thatgirl that kept her high school cheerleading uniform so that one day she could seduce a dude with it. Then I read the book, and I was totally right.
Also, Lila and Bruce are still LOST. In the wilderness.
We open with one Miss Lila Fowler (previously Countess Tisiano) letting out a long, liquid scream of pure terror. For she is staring down a wolf. She grabs a huge tree branch, and manages to whomp him when he pounces on her. Then she runs like hell back to the cockpit (I'm a twelve year old boy, so I laugh every. single. time. I read that word), wondering if Bruce will be sorry she's dead. My guess is that he'll be sorry he missed a prime opportunity for paper cup rape.
Jessica is hanging out with her supa' awesome new boyfriend James Montgomery. She's talking about how she totally duped Professor Martin into sexually harassing her by pretending to be Elizabeth. As you do. While she's trying to tell this story (intertwined with the way that bitch John Sears Alison Quinn called campus security to tip them off that Jessica was stealing his Jackie Robinson baseball first edition), people keep creaming their pants over the awesomeness of James. Jessica's all, "Oh, ha ha ha, I HATE that you're such a big football stud...let's make out!!! Stop making out, I'm super duper serial!!! Why won't you take me serial?!?!" Anyway, Jessica finally gets to the point, which is that she let Professor Martin get away with feeling her up in exchange for letting her off the hook. James is all, "Poor guy, he was just doin' what dudes do." Jessica gets all weirded out, AS SHE SHOULD, but backs down when James tells her he's on her side. He asks about how she got busted at the office, and Jessica reveals that the phone call came from INSIDE THE HOUSE. Inside the Theta house, I mean. Then James has to go to practice, and is all nervous about meeting Elizabeth. Why, James? Because she'll smell your rape-y-ness a mile away? Please, the Wakefield girls have no rape-dar.
Elizabeth is studying with Maia Stillwater, and accuses her of being prickly. I keep thinking of the girl from Yale on "Top Model" who was like, "Excuse me, but I DO NOT have a prickly disposition," and Twiggy was all, "Ummm, I'm British, and I have prick-dar, and you totally do." Lots of -dar in this book. Anyway, Maia and Liz are working on a paper together for journalism, and Elizabeth wants to write about how SVU should call for a consensual sex policy. Maia's super weird about it, and she eventually just freaks out. Elizabeth thinks it's because she's tired. Elizabeth is so perceptive, it's like she has a fifth sense or something. Anyway, we do get to hear about how all the salt, grease, and sugar she consumed nine books ago made her gain fifteen pounds, which she has now lost. Bitch. I'm still trying to lose the fifteen pounds I gained. Then again, those were brought on by alcohol, and I'll be damned if they're coming off the same way. (sips beer)
Tom comes in, and when he tries to convince Maia to come to the game, she's all, "I hate football and I SUPER DUPER HATE JOCKS." I feel like Maia's trying to tell us something, but I just can't put the pieces together. It's probably inconsequential, though. They head off to the game, and Elizabeth tells Tom how psyched she is to meet the amazing James Montgomery.
Oooh, back to Lila. The wolf is lunging at the cockpit (hee), and he's starting to get really close to Lila. She kicks it, and it takes a bite out of her sweatpants. Then, Bruce saves her!!! He throws a rock at the wolf and it scares him. Into running straight at Bruce. Lila quickly shoots the flare gun at the wolf, because she's cool like that. It singes his ear, and he runs away. Lila is grateful Bruce saved her life, and Bruce says he kept picturing her the way she was in first grade (didn't she used to pee the bed? Bruce probably didn't remember that part), and he couldn't imagine his life without her. Lila says she knows what he means...
Ooooh, AlexEnid is back!!! And she's hungover!!! So hungover that she tells the lie each college freshman must utter at least five times: "I'll never drink again." HA!!! That is categorically untrue. Moving on...she knows she saw Todd last night, just not how much of him she saw. Gross. Then she starts thinking of Noah Pearson, a cute boy in her psych class. He'd never be interested in a nobody like her, though. As she thinks about how she's supposed to go to the game with the other Thetas, she sees a flyer for a 24 hour campus hotline. She puts it in her robe, just in case. Then she gets sad about Elizabeth, and looks for her "friend" vodka under the bed. Told you it was categorically untrue.
Bruce is all snuggly with Lila, thinking about weird/awesome it is. Bruce also says that he secretly thought it was kind of shocking and low class for a girl to marry the summer after she graduated high school. Only if the someone is a scummy abusive townie, Bruce. Even Bruce has to acknowledge that Lila did it up right because she's awesome and made of win like that. Then Bruce thinks he and Lila are like Tarzan and Jane. Lila does have a thing for Tarzan. Bruce also returns to his pervy ways and keeps staring at her shapely calf and firm thigh where her sweatpants tore. As Bruce is contemplating whether or not to pounce on her, much like the wolf he saved her from, Lila asks if he reloaded the flare gun. For the fifth time. And Bruce lies and says he did. This book should just be called, "Foreshadowing: Telling You What You'll Need to Know Before it Happens." Anyway, Bruce starts to get pissed, but then he gets all perved out again by her legs. He runs to the cockpit (snicker) and gets her a pair of long johns. She sniffs that they aren't couture, but puts them on anyway. Bruce hopes they look terrible on her. Nice.
Elizabeth and Tom are at the game, and everyone keeps coming up to him and welcoming him back, telling them they miss him, blah blah blah. We get a recap over Tom the Football Stud and how his family died in a car accident on the way to one of his games, so he quit playing. After the game (SVU wins!), Elizabeth finds Jessica and goes to meet James. Elizabeth congratulates him on his win, and he "gently" corrects her that it was a team effort. Douche. Then he excuses himself to go talk to a reporter, because he's cognizant of deadlines and journalistic responsibilities. Elizabeth proclaims him, "Polished. Polite. Intelligent. And definitely a gentleman."
Awww, shizz...William White is back, y'all!!! He's not Phantom of the Opera back, he's just back from the mental insitution. He's hella pissed that Elizabeth's back with Tom, and he's afraid he got busted spying on her. Then he thinks the most awesome of thoughts:
"She feared him now. Well, that was reasonable. A few months ago, he had tried to murder her. It was regrettable that their relationship had resulted in such an unfortunate contretemps, but he hoped to make her see that at the time, he'd had no choice. She had discovered that he was the president of an influential secret society. What could he do? Exposure would have proved disastrous."
I mean, if that doesn't sum up the ludicrousness of Sweet Valley, I don't know what else does. Anyway, William realizes he's late to get back to Crazy Town, and thinks that Elizabeth's his goddess, and he doesn't want to kill her. Yet. Dun dun dun!
Jessica is fulfilling my stereotype of her nicely. She puts on her gold megaphone necklace over her SVH sweater and heads over to Theta. She's all set to bring down the bitch that is Alison Quinn. Might I just say, as a former sorority girl, this plot is completely and totally retarded. I went to a Big Ten school, and there was no hazing, no black balling, none of this foolishness. Lots of drinking and drama, but that was mainly over who was going to be DD and who stole who's red velvet leopard print halter top (in retrospect, they could've kept it). ANYway, Jessica decides to go for a subtle, understated approach. She runs into the house, pom-poms waving, and does a one-handed cartwheel into a split. There's a post-game costume party, which I have never heard of in my entire life. Some of the other Thetas compliment Jess on her choice of dating James, proclaiming him a doll, "Except when he drinks," says a girl named Courtney.
Before Jessica can ask her to clarify this, Alison Quinn asks Jessica why she's there. Jessica informs her that the Professor is dropping the charges, and Denise yells, "You're a baby Theta again!" Sadly, this is kind of realistic. Fine, maybe sororities are queer. Alison says that it doesn't matter if he dropped the charges or not, she didn't bring them the book. Jessica jumps at this opening, and informs Alison that she knows Alison called security on her. All of the girls start to side with Jessica, realizing that Alison came up with the dare, and she has had it out for Jessica. Magda, the president of Theta, decides that they'll have to vote on it the next day. Hope Steve Jessica can come up with solid proof before she's kicked out of KEG Theta house!
Elizabeth (dressed like a scarecrow) shows up at Maia's to drag her to the party. Maia is as excited as anyone else would be to attend a social function with Liz. Which is not at all. Elizabeth finally badgers her into coming, dressed in a sweatshirt and jeans. So she's dressing like a hungover student? The two of them get to the party at Zeta house, and Maia is actually having a swell time. Until Elizabeth points out Jessica with James. Elizabeth turns around, and Maia is gone! But why?! Tom comes up and says he saw her running out, saying she didn't feel well. Tom hates frat parties, so he and Liz decide to adjourn to the beach.
Isabella sees AlexEnid on her way to the party, and says, "Long time, no see." AlexEnid gets all weird and apologize-y, and Isabella tells her to chillax. She tells AlexEnid that she should be around the house more, otherwise people might think she wants to depledge. They might even start ignoring her until she leaves! Oh noes! AlexEnid gets all upset, and Isabella manages to calm her down. AlexEnid even decides she's only going to drink soda that night. Again, soooo untrue. She sees Noah in the kitchen, and when she's walking towards him she slips. A guy tells her to have another drink, and she gets all embarassed and runs towards the keg. Like a moth to a flame, that one.
Lila has started a fire without matches, because she is awesome. Bruce is impressed, as he should be. Lila informs him that she went with her father and eight executives on a survival trip in the Bolivian jungle. They share some crackers, and Bruce becomes hypnotized by a crumb on her lip. They end up making out, but then Lila hears a helicopter. Better get the flare gun! Yeah, it's empty. Lila promptly flips the fuck out, and I have a feeling she's going to be using her Bolivian snaring skills on Bruce shortly.
Alex is slightly buzzed and talking to some boring freshman. She overhears Alison and Peter Wilbourne (ex-president of the Sigmas, former co-racist cult leader with one William White) talking about how Jessica doesn't have proof of anything, and she also has no credibility. Alex thinks she should make an effort to remember this tomorrow. I simultaneously laugh/hang my head in shame because I've done the same thing. It was generally more about a guy's name or something than a Greek conspiracy, but, you know.
Jessica and James are dancing up a storm, and James takes a break for ANOTHER beer. Jessica remembers Courtney's warning and gets a funny feeling. Twenty minutes later, Jessica still hasn't seen James, so she goes after him. She finds him chugging a beer, and when he's done, he calls her Jessie, which she apparently hates. Haven't people called her that before without inspiring so much ire? James grabs her and kisses her, and Jessica remembers the last fraternity party they were at. His kisses had gotten out of hand, and there was a strange look in his eyes. She's not having as much fun as she was before.
Tom and Elizabeth are at the beach making out, and Elizabeth kind of wants to do it, but then she thinks that she doesn't want to get pregnant or get AIDS. Tom moves his hand over the cup of her bra. Oh snap! Elizabeth says no softly, and Tom tries to unhook her bra. She yells no, and he gets kind of upset because sometimes she says no and means yes. This leads to a big ol' fight, ending with them both agreeing that No Means No. Elizabeth explains it using some analogy about how if she was on a diet, he wouldn't wave chocolate cake in front of his face. So when she's horny he shouldn't wave his wang in front of her face? Why didn't they explain it like that in high school? It's so much clearer now!
AlexEnid wakes up, embarassed at the memory of doing some stupid dance by herself at the party. Please. I once got on-stage with a rap group, danced to "Rump Shaker" with some girl, had her push me away, and almost fell off-stage. After a day of hiding under the covers, it was all but forgotten. Let it go! She calls the hotline, and informs the guy that she's embarassed because she acted like a drunken dumbass. Mystery counselor guy points out that lots of people were probably acting like idiots. AlexEnid remembers all of the other people who engaged in jackassery, and feels way better. Mystery counselor guy asks her name, and she says it's Enid. He says his name is T Squared (hereafter known as T2), because he's operator Twenty-Two. AlexEnid drifts off to sleep, resolved to make a fresh start tomorrow.
William White is watching Elizabeth and Tom head back to the dorms. He is still supa pissed. He realizes that it's midnight, and he has to get back to the hospital. He's been making out with a nurse named Andrea so he can use her car, but she can't cover for him forever. The William entries are so lame, aside from the fact that his internal monologue sounds like a movie villain with a handlebar mustache.
Lila wakes up freezing because her and Bruce slept on opposite sides of camp since they were fighting so much. Bruce wakes up and apologizes, and Lila apologizes back. Bruce realizes they're out of food, and he asks Lila if she can set a snare. Lila thinks that she really spent most of her Bolivian survival camp complaining so much that her father almost left her there. Bolivia only wishes it could be so lucky. Anyway, Lila says that she COULD snare something, but she doesn't want to, because she's not into killing animals. Bruce points out that he saw her eating a salmon steak last week, and Lila says that fish are different. Bruce decides to go fishing. Coincidentally, while Lila was in Bolivia, Brue was fishing in Nova Scotia!
Except he was totally lying. He just didn't want to make an ass out of himself in front of Lila. They go over to the stream, and Lila comments that she didn't know you fished along rapids. I read this when I was thirteen, and even I knew that Bruce was a total fucktard. He thinks that he'll fish there for a bit, then head over to calmer waters. Lila points out that it's dangerous for Bruce to stand on a rock so close to the edge...he might get pulled in. And he totally does, at that exact moment! He's being pulled down the stream away from Lila!
Back in Thetaville, Jessica is heading into the trial of the century. Magda has Alison and Jess sit on either side of her, and she informs the house that they are voting on whether or not to let Jessica back in as a pledge. Alison gives a big speech about how Jessica's a liar: she impersonated her sister during rush, secretly married Mike McAllery, lied about being a waitress, and Alison will be damned if Jessica will besmirch the good name of Theta. They might be loose alcoholics, but dishonesty will be dealt with swiftly and without mercy! Anyway, Jessica isn't allowed to say anything because she's technically not a member or a pledge. The vote begins, and it's a total rip-off of Nine-Oh. Half the house has voted her out, and Jessica hangs her head in despair.
AlexEnid walks in, and Magda tells her to take a seat in the circle. AlexEnid asks what's going on, and Alison goes off on her. Alison calls her a deadweight, clueless, and says that she looks like she spent the night in a paper bag. AlexEnid is upset because she woke up feeling really happy after her conversation with T2. Magda fills AlexEnid in on what's going on, and bitchface Alison fills in the blanks. AlexEnid remembers Alison's conversation with Peter from the night before, and Alison and Magda tell her to vote. Jessica looks at AlexEnid, and AlexEnid wonders why should she should risk anything for Jessica, since Jessica had never helped her. The girl's got a point. Then AlexEnid realizes that Alison could totally go after Alex the way she's gone after Jessica, so she says, "You're the liar! I vote Jessica in!"
Elizabeth is waiting outside the library to meet Maia for their project. She wishes she would have had Maia meet in the room so they could be there when Jessica got back. And so Maia could stand around awkwardly instead of furthering her career in academia. Maia finally shows up late, and Elizabeth fills her in on the vote. She says that Theta is penalizing Jessica for living up to the standards of behavior they set for her. I'd call that a broad interpretation of the text. I think they're just bitches, but whatevs. Maia observes that this is the way guys treat girls, and Elizabeth wants that to be the topic of their editorial. Maia is not excited. The two of them get a key to one of the grad carrels, because Liz is so awesomely popular with the library staff that they freely violate the set standards for the SVU library. The carrels are in the basement, and Elizabeth notices a guy in a wheelchair who she says is always lurking in the shadows around her. Ignoring her observation, she goes into the carrel, and asks Maia how she wants to start. Maia's all, "this is a joke, nothing ever changes, blah blah blah." Liz finally loses it. She tells Maia that if she doesn't want to do the assignment, Elizabeth will just do it herself. Maia apologizes and says that she's tired because she's been having lots of bad dreams. Elizabeth tries to get her to talk to someone, and Maia says there's no one she wants to talk to, and she just wants to forget about it. Elizabeth finally gets Maia to admit she was raped, and Elizabeth feels like an ass for not putting everything together sooner.
Lila is racing down the bank, trying to save Bruce. She manages to climb onto a tree branch, and uses a low-hanging vine to brace herself. She leans down and pulls him up. Lila says that since they're both alive, it must mean something, right? Bruce lays down and says, "Remind me not to fake any more outdoors skills." Bruce is oblivious to the fact that Lila is about to kick him in the head, and asks her to rub his shoulder. Hey, I was just kidding, but she totally DOES kick him! It doesn't say where, but I like to think it was in the junk. Probably not, since he stands up. But I can dream. She kicks him in the shin again, and goes to kick him one more time, but just gets his calf when he jumps out of the way. The two of them stalk back to the plane, fighting the whole way.
Magda is in a room alone with AlexEnid, going over what she heard Alison saying at the party. Alison walks out of the group, and says that AlexEnid owes her and everyone else an apology. Magda's all, "Listen to what she says, bitch, then we'll see who apologizes to who!" AlexEnid goes over what she heard, and a few of the girls seem doubtful, especially when AlexEnid admits she doesn't have proof. Magda says that she could call an all-Greek hearing and subpoena Peter. Oh, the power!!! Magda's schwasted off of it. Alison doesn't think that's necessary, so the vote begins again. Magda's got the next vote, and she wants Jessica in. Every girl but Alison votes for her to stay, and Magda says that if the two of them can't be sisters, Alison's going to have to go. It's up to Jessica to decide, and she's going to think it over. Can I vote? Bitch needs to go because I am so over this storyline.
Bruce is yelling at Lila for not knowing how to snare. Bruce looks at her shins, and Lila tells him to back the fuck off. Bruce is convinced that he's going to die, and Lila's not. Bruce puts Lila's hand on her forehead, and he has a fever since he slept in wet clothes all night. Lila tells him in a "husky voice" that they should go back to the plane so she can start a fire. I was OB.SESSED. with "husky voices" growing up because of these stupid books. And they use them at the weirdest times.
Anyway, Elizabeth is in her room trying to study, but she keeps wondering about Jessica and thinking about Maia. Elizabeth decides to do the assignment herself to spare Maia the discomfort of having to write about her painful experience. Instead, Elizabeth's going to write about Maia's painful experience for her. Nice. Jessica comes in, thrilled about the results of the vote. She asks if Lila has called, and thinks that it's weird she's been out of touch for so long. The twins get in a brief good vs. evil Theta spat, then Tom calls. He wants to take Liz to a Humphrey Bogart festival. Afterwards, they get a burger, and Liz tells him about Maia (using the clever pseudonym "my friend"). Tom and Elizabeth goes back to the sometimes no means yes, sometimes girls say no the next morning out of regret (like crazy Laura did to Steve), and sometimes no means no! They keep fighting, and finally Tom asks what she wants him to do. She tells him to stop blaming the victim. Stop saying what they were wearing, whether or not they were drinking, and make it easier for a woman to speak up. These are actually valid points. Tom says that he doesn't always know what she's thinking, and sometimes he needs her to tell him. Liz "thickly" tells him that she's telling him now. Husky and thick. What the fuck, Francine?!
Alex (I got tired of typing AlexEnid) is brushing her hair, reflecting on the events at Theta. Todd knocks on the door, and Alex notices that he's been drinking-not enough to get drunk, but enough to make him show up at her door. Nice. He asks her to get a drink, and she says no. He keeps pushing, and she finally tells him that it's not that she doesn't like him, but she doesn't really know him. He tells her that she knew him all through high school, and she points out that she knew him as Elizabeth's boyfriend and the basketball hero of SVH. Whizzer!!! Todd says, "And now I'm Todd Wilkins, big nothing. I'm not Elizabeth Wakefield's boyfriend. I'm not the class president. And believe me, I'm painfully aware that I'm no kind of hero-basketball or otherwise. So now that I'm down here on the ground with all the other mere mortals, even Enid Rollins doesn't want to be seen with me." ASS. I think it's time for an AlexEnidPunch! She wants to slap him (go!!!), but instead tells him that she doesn't want to be seen with him, or any guy who puts her down. Todd apologizes, and Alex says that they both need to clean up their act, and they're not good together. He practically begs her to go have a drink with him because he doesn't have any friends (my icy frozen heart ALMOST begins to thaw), but she tells him no and kicks him out.
She's all confused now and wants to have a drink, but instead calls her good friend T2. She starts picturing him, and she imagines he looks like Noah. Wonder why.
Lila wakes up and checks on Bruce. She can't decide if he's worse than the day before, but knows she needs to do something. She's pissed at him for getting hurt and getting them into this mess, and she almost kicks him again. She's so awesome. She debates about whether or not to go find food or stay with Bruce, and finally gets kind of panic-y and starts running away from Bruce. She collapses on the ground and starts reminiscing about Tisiano. She hears a voice behind her, and snaps out of her daydream. Bruce is chasing after her, begging her not to leave him. Lila is pissed that he took her away from Tisiano, but then gets scared when she observes that Bruce looks like a dead man already. I wonder if he'll be dead before dawn?
Jessica is in a fabulous mood, because she is having lunch at Theta, has no classes since her history professor didn't show up, and she has a date with James at the Mountain Lodge Inn. It's really fancy and expensive, but Jessica is slightly worried since it's on a windy road that can be tough to navigate sober. She shakes it off, though, because why should she start using her judgement now?
At the Theta house, Jessica's asking Isabella and Denise what she should do. Isabella points out that she's already getting revenge, since Alison's probably agonizing about what Jessica's going to do. As Jessica fills the girls in on her date at the super pricey Mountain Lodge Inn, Alison walks into the kitchen.
Alex is going for a run, realizing that she is hella out of shape. Alex hears someone saying hello to her, and when she looks up she sees Noah and face plants. Noah helps her up, and she's totally humiliated. He looks down, trying to figure out what tripped her, and Alex wonders if he thought she was drinking. Paranoid? Maybe he's the campus safety monitor, Alex. She gets all defensive, and Noah's way nicer than I would be. She totally freaks out and runs away, with Noah calling after her.
She gets into her room, and feels totally depressed. She feels like she did in high school when she flushed all her pot and pills down the toilet. It's almost like withdrawal. Then she realizes that alcohol IS a drug!!! The more you know. She's relieved, because she's already gone through this before and knows that she can get through it again. She calls T2 to tell him that she's not neurotic. She tells him about Elizabeth, and her drug use, and then she tells him about how she embarassed herself in front of the same guy again. She won't tell him exactly what happened, because then this comedy of errors would come to an end. He encourages her to tell him how she feels, and that if she can't, she must not trust this guy. Alex tells T2 that the only person she trusts is him.
Alison freezes when she sees Jessica, and then she starts kissing her ass and complimenting Jessica's outfit. Jessica tells her to knock it off, and draws out the blackball thing. AND THEN. I totally lied, you guys, because THIS IS AMAZING. Alison tells Jessica that sometimes sisters fight, and nobody should know that better than Jessica-look at her and Elizabeth. Jessica says this:
"For your information, Alison, Elizabeth has never set me up to commit a crime and then framed me. I'm not sure that after that even sisters could make up and be friends."
O.M.F.G. The number of times Jessica screwed Elizabeth over, and the time she set her up for a crime (semi-inadvertently at first, but then totally let her go ON TRIAL FOR MURDER of HER OWN BOYFRIEND), makes this virtually unsnarkable, and should be included in textbooks as the very definition of sociopathy.
Okay, my heart rate is coming down nicely now. Jessica tells Alison that she's not going to blackball her, but her punishment is that she has to be a waitress at the coffee house Jessica worked at. For one shift. So she can learn what it's like to be a working girl. Not THAT kind, though. That is such a lame punishment. Where's our scheming Jessica? I wonder if she maybe remembered that one time when she gave her sister magical vodka and her boyfriend died and her sister went on trial and went through hell and she stole her sister's boyfriend and she thought that she wouldn't be a total wench for once.
Anyway, Bruce is swatting at imaginary bugs and whining for Lila. Lila's gone through the wreckage to look for useful supplies. She finds matches and a knife. She uses the knife to peel the upholstery off the pilot's seat so that she can waterproof the matches. She breaks the wood frame of the seat apart to put on the fire, and finds some piece of fuselage to use as a bowl. She walks off to find food, and trips into a blackberry bush. She ties her jacket around her waist like an apron and fills it with berries. Lila is so a more fashionable Laura Ingalls. She walks over to the stream, and lays down to drink from it. She sees trout swimming around right in front of her! She remembers some of her training from the Bolivian guide, gets naked (so she won't have to sleep in wet clothes), and jumps in. She manages to get a huge fish, and cleans the fish naked on the shore. Then she rolls in the grass to dry herself off and gets dressed. Lila is totally the one thing I would bring with me to a deserted island. Because she's helpful, not because she gets naked.
She gives Bruce a few drops of water, and then cooks the fish on a rock she places in the fire. While the fish is cooking, she lays Bruce on the plastic from the airplane seats. She eats her fish, then she checks on Bruce again. He's still in his wet clothes. She strips him naked and lays down next to him so that she can warm him with her body heat. Hot.
Jessica gets ready for her date. She's wearing black palazzo pants, a red bustier, and a black and red bolero. I'm in a Top Model mindset right now, because I keep thinking of the Season 7 photo shoot in Spain. James comes to the door, and Elizabeth thinks he's a picture perfect boy next door compared to Mike. She's glad her sister has someone so safe to go out with. The foreshadowing, it pains me. An hour later, Maia comes to Elizabeth's room. She's a little cagey, but finally tells Liz that James raped her.
At dinner, James is having another beer, and asks Jessica if she wants one. She tells him no, AGAIN. Jessica thinks that it's one thing to get tipsy at a frat, but getting drunk in a restaurant is gross. Clearly Jessica has never been to Hooters. James orders a beer for Jessica, and she's about to get really pissed when he tells her she's beautiful. One of the seniors in Theta comes over to the table just as the waiter puts the beers on the table. Jessica pours the beer into her glass while introducing James to Helen. James charms Helen and her date, and Jessica thinks she's overreacted about how much James had to drink.
Maia is telling Elizabeth that she and James had gone to the Mountain Lodge Inn for dinner, and on the way home he pulled over to a mountain road. She tells Elizabeth that she didn't tell anyone because everybody had seen her at the restaurant with him kissing, drinking, and wearing a backless dress. Elizabeth apologizes to Maia, but tells her she has to go to the restaurant.
The waiter offers dessert, and Jessica says she doesn't want to pork up. James starts rubbing her back and telling her that she's sexy. She gets a little weirded out by how he's fondling her so much in public. I personally find that grosser than getting drunk in a restaurant, but that's just me.
Elizabeth is running around looking for Tom. She checks the station, and leaves a message with one of the girls there. William White sees her leaving the station, and can tell by her body language that she's upset. He runs into the library so he can see her when she enters the lobby. Freak. Elizabeth notices the wheelchair in the lobby, and again when she gets to the basement. She briefly wonders about it, but doesn't have time to do anything. Maybe when she gets around to it, she should mention this strange man to someone. These Wakefield girls are so retarded, it's no wonder they're always being abducted. She leaves a message for Tom with the librarian, along with a map showing a shortcut to the restaurant, and takes off for the Lodge.
A tall guy goes up to the desk, introducing himself as Tom. He takes the map, and William wonders who the guy is, since it isn't Tom Watts.
Jessica is incredibly irritated with James. After dessert, he ordered brandies for both of them, and ended up drinking them both himself. He stands up and falls to the floor, swearing and being a jackass in general. The valet goes to get the car, and Jessica offers to drive. James says that he's perfectly capable, and never drinks more than he can handle. Jessica finally says that she'd really be happier if she drove, and James just gets in the car. Jessica says she has to go to the bathroom, and tries to call Elizabeth, who is, of course, not there. She goes through a few other options, and ultimately decides that James would be mad and everyone would think she was a dork, AND the Thetas would be mad that she was making the Greeks look bad. Jessica goes out and gets in the car.
Okay. After her boyfriend DIED IN A DRUNK DRIVING ACCIDENT THAT SHE INADVERTENTLY CAUSED, don't you think she would have a little more fucking sense than to care if people think she's a dork? She is such a ginormous fucktard, I want Lila to go kick her for me.
William is following Elizabeth, who is stuck in traffic (Elizabeth is driving up to the restaurant, and it's interjected into the scenes with Jessica for dramatic effect. It fails). He wishes his goddess would drive a bit more sensibly when he's trying to follow her. He wonders what the problem is, and guesses that it has something to do with Jessica and James. He has a feeling that he's going to do her a huge favor, and then she'll forgive him and be his FOR.EVER. Doubtful, as he's never been a member of any varsity sports team.
James is driving like a maniac, and Jessica begs him to pull over and let her drive. He ignores her and looks her up and down, saying, "Great outfit. I like a girl to dress sexy. If she's interested in sex, I think it's great that a woman feels she can make that statement." Jessica thinks that he's going to be very disappointed, as she has no intention of bumping uglies with him. James heads off to Lookout Point, with Jessica protesting. She finally gives in, thinking she'll just kiss him once and then make him take her home. James is making out with Jessica, and it's making her gag. She finally opens the door, wondering where Liz is when she needs her. Wonder Twin powers, activate!
James tries to get Jessica back in the car, and when she says she'd prefer to stay outside, he tries to unhook her top. She tells him to stop, and he pulls her to the ground. She keeps telling him to stop, and he tries to pull her pants down, asking her if she knows how much dinner cost. James pulls off his pants, and is trying to get Jessica's underwear off. He rolls off her, and ends up picking her up and carrying her to the car. Jessica screams as loud as she can. It's actually a pretty well-written and intense scene.
Elizabeth hears the scream, and is luckily right by Lookout Point. She sees James' car, and pulls a wrench out of the glove compartment. She smashes the passenger window in (I kind of love BadAss!Liz), and grabs James tie, twisting it to choke him. Liz tells Jess to get in the Jeep, and Jess warns her that James is drunk. Liz has Jessica start the car, and takes off. James is chasing her, and she can tell that he's about to grab her, when she hears a noise as James hits the ground. She sees him on his back, and wonders how he got there since there was nothing for him to hit his head on. As the twins pull away, Elizabeth sees a tall man in the shadows.
Elizabeth is trying to console Jessica that it's not her fault. Jessica "thickly" (for fuck's sake, Diane!) tells Elizabeth how brave she is (Liz actually earned a semi un-ironic Saint Elizabeth title in this book!). Elizabeth asks Jessica if she felt that someone else was on the mountain, and Jessica says she didn't. There's a knock on the door, and someone has left Jessica's bag there. She had left it on top of the telephone at the restaurant. There are several ten dollar bills paper clipped to a business card for a taxi service. Also, Jessica puts on a flannel nightgown, and when she wakes up the next morning (in book 11), she's wearing purple satin pajamas. Is it that hard to keep continuity from book to book?
Will Lila and Bruce survive? Will James be brought to justice? Will AlexEnid and T2 meet? Will William start singing showtunes? Find out in #11: Take Back the Night!
Sadly, I couldn't find the cover anywhere. It shows James in his football uniform, clutching his helmet and gazing adoringly at one Jessica Wakefield (the artist formerly known as Mrs. Mike McCallery) in an SVU sweatshirt with a cheerleading skirt. When I first looked at it, I was like, "Ummmm, Jessica's totally thatgirl that kept her high school cheerleading uniform so that one day she could seduce a dude with it. Then I read the book, and I was totally right.
Also, Lila and Bruce are still LOST. In the wilderness.
We open with one Miss Lila Fowler (previously Countess Tisiano) letting out a long, liquid scream of pure terror. For she is staring down a wolf. She grabs a huge tree branch, and manages to whomp him when he pounces on her. Then she runs like hell back to the cockpit (I'm a twelve year old boy, so I laugh every. single. time. I read that word), wondering if Bruce will be sorry she's dead. My guess is that he'll be sorry he missed a prime opportunity for paper cup rape.
Jessica is hanging out with her supa' awesome new boyfriend James Montgomery. She's talking about how she totally duped Professor Martin into sexually harassing her by pretending to be Elizabeth. As you do. While she's trying to tell this story (intertwined with the way that bitch John Sears Alison Quinn called campus security to tip them off that Jessica was stealing his Jackie Robinson baseball first edition), people keep creaming their pants over the awesomeness of James. Jessica's all, "Oh, ha ha ha, I HATE that you're such a big football stud...let's make out!!! Stop making out, I'm super duper serial!!! Why won't you take me serial?!?!" Anyway, Jessica finally gets to the point, which is that she let Professor Martin get away with feeling her up in exchange for letting her off the hook. James is all, "Poor guy, he was just doin' what dudes do." Jessica gets all weirded out, AS SHE SHOULD, but backs down when James tells her he's on her side. He asks about how she got busted at the office, and Jessica reveals that the phone call came from INSIDE THE HOUSE. Inside the Theta house, I mean. Then James has to go to practice, and is all nervous about meeting Elizabeth. Why, James? Because she'll smell your rape-y-ness a mile away? Please, the Wakefield girls have no rape-dar.
Elizabeth is studying with Maia Stillwater, and accuses her of being prickly. I keep thinking of the girl from Yale on "Top Model" who was like, "Excuse me, but I DO NOT have a prickly disposition," and Twiggy was all, "Ummm, I'm British, and I have prick-dar, and you totally do." Lots of -dar in this book. Anyway, Maia and Liz are working on a paper together for journalism, and Elizabeth wants to write about how SVU should call for a consensual sex policy. Maia's super weird about it, and she eventually just freaks out. Elizabeth thinks it's because she's tired. Elizabeth is so perceptive, it's like she has a fifth sense or something. Anyway, we do get to hear about how all the salt, grease, and sugar she consumed nine books ago made her gain fifteen pounds, which she has now lost. Bitch. I'm still trying to lose the fifteen pounds I gained. Then again, those were brought on by alcohol, and I'll be damned if they're coming off the same way. (sips beer)
Tom comes in, and when he tries to convince Maia to come to the game, she's all, "I hate football and I SUPER DUPER HATE JOCKS." I feel like Maia's trying to tell us something, but I just can't put the pieces together. It's probably inconsequential, though. They head off to the game, and Elizabeth tells Tom how psyched she is to meet the amazing James Montgomery.
Oooh, back to Lila. The wolf is lunging at the cockpit (hee), and he's starting to get really close to Lila. She kicks it, and it takes a bite out of her sweatpants. Then, Bruce saves her!!! He throws a rock at the wolf and it scares him. Into running straight at Bruce. Lila quickly shoots the flare gun at the wolf, because she's cool like that. It singes his ear, and he runs away. Lila is grateful Bruce saved her life, and Bruce says he kept picturing her the way she was in first grade (didn't she used to pee the bed? Bruce probably didn't remember that part), and he couldn't imagine his life without her. Lila says she knows what he means...
Ooooh, AlexEnid is back!!! And she's hungover!!! So hungover that she tells the lie each college freshman must utter at least five times: "I'll never drink again." HA!!! That is categorically untrue. Moving on...she knows she saw Todd last night, just not how much of him she saw. Gross. Then she starts thinking of Noah Pearson, a cute boy in her psych class. He'd never be interested in a nobody like her, though. As she thinks about how she's supposed to go to the game with the other Thetas, she sees a flyer for a 24 hour campus hotline. She puts it in her robe, just in case. Then she gets sad about Elizabeth, and looks for her "friend" vodka under the bed. Told you it was categorically untrue.
Bruce is all snuggly with Lila, thinking about weird/awesome it is. Bruce also says that he secretly thought it was kind of shocking and low class for a girl to marry the summer after she graduated high school. Only if the someone is a scummy abusive townie, Bruce. Even Bruce has to acknowledge that Lila did it up right because she's awesome and made of win like that. Then Bruce thinks he and Lila are like Tarzan and Jane. Lila does have a thing for Tarzan. Bruce also returns to his pervy ways and keeps staring at her shapely calf and firm thigh where her sweatpants tore. As Bruce is contemplating whether or not to pounce on her, much like the wolf he saved her from, Lila asks if he reloaded the flare gun. For the fifth time. And Bruce lies and says he did. This book should just be called, "Foreshadowing: Telling You What You'll Need to Know Before it Happens." Anyway, Bruce starts to get pissed, but then he gets all perved out again by her legs. He runs to the cockpit (snicker) and gets her a pair of long johns. She sniffs that they aren't couture, but puts them on anyway. Bruce hopes they look terrible on her. Nice.
Elizabeth and Tom are at the game, and everyone keeps coming up to him and welcoming him back, telling them they miss him, blah blah blah. We get a recap over Tom the Football Stud and how his family died in a car accident on the way to one of his games, so he quit playing. After the game (SVU wins!), Elizabeth finds Jessica and goes to meet James. Elizabeth congratulates him on his win, and he "gently" corrects her that it was a team effort. Douche. Then he excuses himself to go talk to a reporter, because he's cognizant of deadlines and journalistic responsibilities. Elizabeth proclaims him, "Polished. Polite. Intelligent. And definitely a gentleman."
Awww, shizz...William White is back, y'all!!! He's not Phantom of the Opera back, he's just back from the mental insitution. He's hella pissed that Elizabeth's back with Tom, and he's afraid he got busted spying on her. Then he thinks the most awesome of thoughts:
"She feared him now. Well, that was reasonable. A few months ago, he had tried to murder her. It was regrettable that their relationship had resulted in such an unfortunate contretemps, but he hoped to make her see that at the time, he'd had no choice. She had discovered that he was the president of an influential secret society. What could he do? Exposure would have proved disastrous."
I mean, if that doesn't sum up the ludicrousness of Sweet Valley, I don't know what else does. Anyway, William realizes he's late to get back to Crazy Town, and thinks that Elizabeth's his goddess, and he doesn't want to kill her. Yet. Dun dun dun!
Jessica is fulfilling my stereotype of her nicely. She puts on her gold megaphone necklace over her SVH sweater and heads over to Theta. She's all set to bring down the bitch that is Alison Quinn. Might I just say, as a former sorority girl, this plot is completely and totally retarded. I went to a Big Ten school, and there was no hazing, no black balling, none of this foolishness. Lots of drinking and drama, but that was mainly over who was going to be DD and who stole who's red velvet leopard print halter top (in retrospect, they could've kept it). ANYway, Jessica decides to go for a subtle, understated approach. She runs into the house, pom-poms waving, and does a one-handed cartwheel into a split. There's a post-game costume party, which I have never heard of in my entire life. Some of the other Thetas compliment Jess on her choice of dating James, proclaiming him a doll, "Except when he drinks," says a girl named Courtney.
Before Jessica can ask her to clarify this, Alison Quinn asks Jessica why she's there. Jessica informs her that the Professor is dropping the charges, and Denise yells, "You're a baby Theta again!" Sadly, this is kind of realistic. Fine, maybe sororities are queer. Alison says that it doesn't matter if he dropped the charges or not, she didn't bring them the book. Jessica jumps at this opening, and informs Alison that she knows Alison called security on her. All of the girls start to side with Jessica, realizing that Alison came up with the dare, and she has had it out for Jessica. Magda, the president of Theta, decides that they'll have to vote on it the next day. Hope Steve Jessica can come up with solid proof before she's kicked out of KEG Theta house!
Elizabeth (dressed like a scarecrow) shows up at Maia's to drag her to the party. Maia is as excited as anyone else would be to attend a social function with Liz. Which is not at all. Elizabeth finally badgers her into coming, dressed in a sweatshirt and jeans. So she's dressing like a hungover student? The two of them get to the party at Zeta house, and Maia is actually having a swell time. Until Elizabeth points out Jessica with James. Elizabeth turns around, and Maia is gone! But why?! Tom comes up and says he saw her running out, saying she didn't feel well. Tom hates frat parties, so he and Liz decide to adjourn to the beach.
Isabella sees AlexEnid on her way to the party, and says, "Long time, no see." AlexEnid gets all weird and apologize-y, and Isabella tells her to chillax. She tells AlexEnid that she should be around the house more, otherwise people might think she wants to depledge. They might even start ignoring her until she leaves! Oh noes! AlexEnid gets all upset, and Isabella manages to calm her down. AlexEnid even decides she's only going to drink soda that night. Again, soooo untrue. She sees Noah in the kitchen, and when she's walking towards him she slips. A guy tells her to have another drink, and she gets all embarassed and runs towards the keg. Like a moth to a flame, that one.
Lila has started a fire without matches, because she is awesome. Bruce is impressed, as he should be. Lila informs him that she went with her father and eight executives on a survival trip in the Bolivian jungle. They share some crackers, and Bruce becomes hypnotized by a crumb on her lip. They end up making out, but then Lila hears a helicopter. Better get the flare gun! Yeah, it's empty. Lila promptly flips the fuck out, and I have a feeling she's going to be using her Bolivian snaring skills on Bruce shortly.
Alex is slightly buzzed and talking to some boring freshman. She overhears Alison and Peter Wilbourne (ex-president of the Sigmas, former co-racist cult leader with one William White) talking about how Jessica doesn't have proof of anything, and she also has no credibility. Alex thinks she should make an effort to remember this tomorrow. I simultaneously laugh/hang my head in shame because I've done the same thing. It was generally more about a guy's name or something than a Greek conspiracy, but, you know.
Jessica and James are dancing up a storm, and James takes a break for ANOTHER beer. Jessica remembers Courtney's warning and gets a funny feeling. Twenty minutes later, Jessica still hasn't seen James, so she goes after him. She finds him chugging a beer, and when he's done, he calls her Jessie, which she apparently hates. Haven't people called her that before without inspiring so much ire? James grabs her and kisses her, and Jessica remembers the last fraternity party they were at. His kisses had gotten out of hand, and there was a strange look in his eyes. She's not having as much fun as she was before.
Tom and Elizabeth are at the beach making out, and Elizabeth kind of wants to do it, but then she thinks that she doesn't want to get pregnant or get AIDS. Tom moves his hand over the cup of her bra. Oh snap! Elizabeth says no softly, and Tom tries to unhook her bra. She yells no, and he gets kind of upset because sometimes she says no and means yes. This leads to a big ol' fight, ending with them both agreeing that No Means No. Elizabeth explains it using some analogy about how if she was on a diet, he wouldn't wave chocolate cake in front of his face. So when she's horny he shouldn't wave his wang in front of her face? Why didn't they explain it like that in high school? It's so much clearer now!
AlexEnid wakes up, embarassed at the memory of doing some stupid dance by herself at the party. Please. I once got on-stage with a rap group, danced to "Rump Shaker" with some girl, had her push me away, and almost fell off-stage. After a day of hiding under the covers, it was all but forgotten. Let it go! She calls the hotline, and informs the guy that she's embarassed because she acted like a drunken dumbass. Mystery counselor guy points out that lots of people were probably acting like idiots. AlexEnid remembers all of the other people who engaged in jackassery, and feels way better. Mystery counselor guy asks her name, and she says it's Enid. He says his name is T Squared (hereafter known as T2), because he's operator Twenty-Two. AlexEnid drifts off to sleep, resolved to make a fresh start tomorrow.
William White is watching Elizabeth and Tom head back to the dorms. He is still supa pissed. He realizes that it's midnight, and he has to get back to the hospital. He's been making out with a nurse named Andrea so he can use her car, but she can't cover for him forever. The William entries are so lame, aside from the fact that his internal monologue sounds like a movie villain with a handlebar mustache.
Lila wakes up freezing because her and Bruce slept on opposite sides of camp since they were fighting so much. Bruce wakes up and apologizes, and Lila apologizes back. Bruce realizes they're out of food, and he asks Lila if she can set a snare. Lila thinks that she really spent most of her Bolivian survival camp complaining so much that her father almost left her there. Bolivia only wishes it could be so lucky. Anyway, Lila says that she COULD snare something, but she doesn't want to, because she's not into killing animals. Bruce points out that he saw her eating a salmon steak last week, and Lila says that fish are different. Bruce decides to go fishing. Coincidentally, while Lila was in Bolivia, Brue was fishing in Nova Scotia!
Except he was totally lying. He just didn't want to make an ass out of himself in front of Lila. They go over to the stream, and Lila comments that she didn't know you fished along rapids. I read this when I was thirteen, and even I knew that Bruce was a total fucktard. He thinks that he'll fish there for a bit, then head over to calmer waters. Lila points out that it's dangerous for Bruce to stand on a rock so close to the edge...he might get pulled in. And he totally does, at that exact moment! He's being pulled down the stream away from Lila!
Back in Thetaville, Jessica is heading into the trial of the century. Magda has Alison and Jess sit on either side of her, and she informs the house that they are voting on whether or not to let Jessica back in as a pledge. Alison gives a big speech about how Jessica's a liar: she impersonated her sister during rush, secretly married Mike McAllery, lied about being a waitress, and Alison will be damned if Jessica will besmirch the good name of Theta. They might be loose alcoholics, but dishonesty will be dealt with swiftly and without mercy! Anyway, Jessica isn't allowed to say anything because she's technically not a member or a pledge. The vote begins, and it's a total rip-off of Nine-Oh. Half the house has voted her out, and Jessica hangs her head in despair.
AlexEnid walks in, and Magda tells her to take a seat in the circle. AlexEnid asks what's going on, and Alison goes off on her. Alison calls her a deadweight, clueless, and says that she looks like she spent the night in a paper bag. AlexEnid is upset because she woke up feeling really happy after her conversation with T2. Magda fills AlexEnid in on what's going on, and bitchface Alison fills in the blanks. AlexEnid remembers Alison's conversation with Peter from the night before, and Alison and Magda tell her to vote. Jessica looks at AlexEnid, and AlexEnid wonders why should she should risk anything for Jessica, since Jessica had never helped her. The girl's got a point. Then AlexEnid realizes that Alison could totally go after Alex the way she's gone after Jessica, so she says, "You're the liar! I vote Jessica in!"
Elizabeth is waiting outside the library to meet Maia for their project. She wishes she would have had Maia meet in the room so they could be there when Jessica got back. And so Maia could stand around awkwardly instead of furthering her career in academia. Maia finally shows up late, and Elizabeth fills her in on the vote. She says that Theta is penalizing Jessica for living up to the standards of behavior they set for her. I'd call that a broad interpretation of the text. I think they're just bitches, but whatevs. Maia observes that this is the way guys treat girls, and Elizabeth wants that to be the topic of their editorial. Maia is not excited. The two of them get a key to one of the grad carrels, because Liz is so awesomely popular with the library staff that they freely violate the set standards for the SVU library. The carrels are in the basement, and Elizabeth notices a guy in a wheelchair who she says is always lurking in the shadows around her. Ignoring her observation, she goes into the carrel, and asks Maia how she wants to start. Maia's all, "this is a joke, nothing ever changes, blah blah blah." Liz finally loses it. She tells Maia that if she doesn't want to do the assignment, Elizabeth will just do it herself. Maia apologizes and says that she's tired because she's been having lots of bad dreams. Elizabeth tries to get her to talk to someone, and Maia says there's no one she wants to talk to, and she just wants to forget about it. Elizabeth finally gets Maia to admit she was raped, and Elizabeth feels like an ass for not putting everything together sooner.
Lila is racing down the bank, trying to save Bruce. She manages to climb onto a tree branch, and uses a low-hanging vine to brace herself. She leans down and pulls him up. Lila says that since they're both alive, it must mean something, right? Bruce lays down and says, "Remind me not to fake any more outdoors skills." Bruce is oblivious to the fact that Lila is about to kick him in the head, and asks her to rub his shoulder. Hey, I was just kidding, but she totally DOES kick him! It doesn't say where, but I like to think it was in the junk. Probably not, since he stands up. But I can dream. She kicks him in the shin again, and goes to kick him one more time, but just gets his calf when he jumps out of the way. The two of them stalk back to the plane, fighting the whole way.
Magda is in a room alone with AlexEnid, going over what she heard Alison saying at the party. Alison walks out of the group, and says that AlexEnid owes her and everyone else an apology. Magda's all, "Listen to what she says, bitch, then we'll see who apologizes to who!" AlexEnid goes over what she heard, and a few of the girls seem doubtful, especially when AlexEnid admits she doesn't have proof. Magda says that she could call an all-Greek hearing and subpoena Peter. Oh, the power!!! Magda's schwasted off of it. Alison doesn't think that's necessary, so the vote begins again. Magda's got the next vote, and she wants Jessica in. Every girl but Alison votes for her to stay, and Magda says that if the two of them can't be sisters, Alison's going to have to go. It's up to Jessica to decide, and she's going to think it over. Can I vote? Bitch needs to go because I am so over this storyline.
Bruce is yelling at Lila for not knowing how to snare. Bruce looks at her shins, and Lila tells him to back the fuck off. Bruce is convinced that he's going to die, and Lila's not. Bruce puts Lila's hand on her forehead, and he has a fever since he slept in wet clothes all night. Lila tells him in a "husky voice" that they should go back to the plane so she can start a fire. I was OB.SESSED. with "husky voices" growing up because of these stupid books. And they use them at the weirdest times.
Anyway, Elizabeth is in her room trying to study, but she keeps wondering about Jessica and thinking about Maia. Elizabeth decides to do the assignment herself to spare Maia the discomfort of having to write about her painful experience. Instead, Elizabeth's going to write about Maia's painful experience for her. Nice. Jessica comes in, thrilled about the results of the vote. She asks if Lila has called, and thinks that it's weird she's been out of touch for so long. The twins get in a brief good vs. evil Theta spat, then Tom calls. He wants to take Liz to a Humphrey Bogart festival. Afterwards, they get a burger, and Liz tells him about Maia (using the clever pseudonym "my friend"). Tom and Elizabeth goes back to the sometimes no means yes, sometimes girls say no the next morning out of regret (like crazy Laura did to Steve), and sometimes no means no! They keep fighting, and finally Tom asks what she wants him to do. She tells him to stop blaming the victim. Stop saying what they were wearing, whether or not they were drinking, and make it easier for a woman to speak up. These are actually valid points. Tom says that he doesn't always know what she's thinking, and sometimes he needs her to tell him. Liz "thickly" tells him that she's telling him now. Husky and thick. What the fuck, Francine?!
Alex (I got tired of typing AlexEnid) is brushing her hair, reflecting on the events at Theta. Todd knocks on the door, and Alex notices that he's been drinking-not enough to get drunk, but enough to make him show up at her door. Nice. He asks her to get a drink, and she says no. He keeps pushing, and she finally tells him that it's not that she doesn't like him, but she doesn't really know him. He tells her that she knew him all through high school, and she points out that she knew him as Elizabeth's boyfriend and the basketball hero of SVH. Whizzer!!! Todd says, "And now I'm Todd Wilkins, big nothing. I'm not Elizabeth Wakefield's boyfriend. I'm not the class president. And believe me, I'm painfully aware that I'm no kind of hero-basketball or otherwise. So now that I'm down here on the ground with all the other mere mortals, even Enid Rollins doesn't want to be seen with me." ASS. I think it's time for an AlexEnidPunch! She wants to slap him (go!!!), but instead tells him that she doesn't want to be seen with him, or any guy who puts her down. Todd apologizes, and Alex says that they both need to clean up their act, and they're not good together. He practically begs her to go have a drink with him because he doesn't have any friends (my icy frozen heart ALMOST begins to thaw), but she tells him no and kicks him out.
She's all confused now and wants to have a drink, but instead calls her good friend T2. She starts picturing him, and she imagines he looks like Noah. Wonder why.
Lila wakes up and checks on Bruce. She can't decide if he's worse than the day before, but knows she needs to do something. She's pissed at him for getting hurt and getting them into this mess, and she almost kicks him again. She's so awesome. She debates about whether or not to go find food or stay with Bruce, and finally gets kind of panic-y and starts running away from Bruce. She collapses on the ground and starts reminiscing about Tisiano. She hears a voice behind her, and snaps out of her daydream. Bruce is chasing after her, begging her not to leave him. Lila is pissed that he took her away from Tisiano, but then gets scared when she observes that Bruce looks like a dead man already. I wonder if he'll be dead before dawn?
Jessica is in a fabulous mood, because she is having lunch at Theta, has no classes since her history professor didn't show up, and she has a date with James at the Mountain Lodge Inn. It's really fancy and expensive, but Jessica is slightly worried since it's on a windy road that can be tough to navigate sober. She shakes it off, though, because why should she start using her judgement now?
At the Theta house, Jessica's asking Isabella and Denise what she should do. Isabella points out that she's already getting revenge, since Alison's probably agonizing about what Jessica's going to do. As Jessica fills the girls in on her date at the super pricey Mountain Lodge Inn, Alison walks into the kitchen.
Alex is going for a run, realizing that she is hella out of shape. Alex hears someone saying hello to her, and when she looks up she sees Noah and face plants. Noah helps her up, and she's totally humiliated. He looks down, trying to figure out what tripped her, and Alex wonders if he thought she was drinking. Paranoid? Maybe he's the campus safety monitor, Alex. She gets all defensive, and Noah's way nicer than I would be. She totally freaks out and runs away, with Noah calling after her.
She gets into her room, and feels totally depressed. She feels like she did in high school when she flushed all her pot and pills down the toilet. It's almost like withdrawal. Then she realizes that alcohol IS a drug!!! The more you know. She's relieved, because she's already gone through this before and knows that she can get through it again. She calls T2 to tell him that she's not neurotic. She tells him about Elizabeth, and her drug use, and then she tells him about how she embarassed herself in front of the same guy again. She won't tell him exactly what happened, because then this comedy of errors would come to an end. He encourages her to tell him how she feels, and that if she can't, she must not trust this guy. Alex tells T2 that the only person she trusts is him.
Alison freezes when she sees Jessica, and then she starts kissing her ass and complimenting Jessica's outfit. Jessica tells her to knock it off, and draws out the blackball thing. AND THEN. I totally lied, you guys, because THIS IS AMAZING. Alison tells Jessica that sometimes sisters fight, and nobody should know that better than Jessica-look at her and Elizabeth. Jessica says this:
"For your information, Alison, Elizabeth has never set me up to commit a crime and then framed me. I'm not sure that after that even sisters could make up and be friends."
O.M.F.G. The number of times Jessica screwed Elizabeth over, and the time she set her up for a crime (semi-inadvertently at first, but then totally let her go ON TRIAL FOR MURDER of HER OWN BOYFRIEND), makes this virtually unsnarkable, and should be included in textbooks as the very definition of sociopathy.
Okay, my heart rate is coming down nicely now. Jessica tells Alison that she's not going to blackball her, but her punishment is that she has to be a waitress at the coffee house Jessica worked at. For one shift. So she can learn what it's like to be a working girl. Not THAT kind, though. That is such a lame punishment. Where's our scheming Jessica? I wonder if she maybe remembered that one time when she gave her sister magical vodka and her boyfriend died and her sister went on trial and went through hell and she stole her sister's boyfriend and she thought that she wouldn't be a total wench for once.
Anyway, Bruce is swatting at imaginary bugs and whining for Lila. Lila's gone through the wreckage to look for useful supplies. She finds matches and a knife. She uses the knife to peel the upholstery off the pilot's seat so that she can waterproof the matches. She breaks the wood frame of the seat apart to put on the fire, and finds some piece of fuselage to use as a bowl. She walks off to find food, and trips into a blackberry bush. She ties her jacket around her waist like an apron and fills it with berries. Lila is so a more fashionable Laura Ingalls. She walks over to the stream, and lays down to drink from it. She sees trout swimming around right in front of her! She remembers some of her training from the Bolivian guide, gets naked (so she won't have to sleep in wet clothes), and jumps in. She manages to get a huge fish, and cleans the fish naked on the shore. Then she rolls in the grass to dry herself off and gets dressed. Lila is totally the one thing I would bring with me to a deserted island. Because she's helpful, not because she gets naked.
She gives Bruce a few drops of water, and then cooks the fish on a rock she places in the fire. While the fish is cooking, she lays Bruce on the plastic from the airplane seats. She eats her fish, then she checks on Bruce again. He's still in his wet clothes. She strips him naked and lays down next to him so that she can warm him with her body heat. Hot.
Jessica gets ready for her date. She's wearing black palazzo pants, a red bustier, and a black and red bolero. I'm in a Top Model mindset right now, because I keep thinking of the Season 7 photo shoot in Spain. James comes to the door, and Elizabeth thinks he's a picture perfect boy next door compared to Mike. She's glad her sister has someone so safe to go out with. The foreshadowing, it pains me. An hour later, Maia comes to Elizabeth's room. She's a little cagey, but finally tells Liz that James raped her.
At dinner, James is having another beer, and asks Jessica if she wants one. She tells him no, AGAIN. Jessica thinks that it's one thing to get tipsy at a frat, but getting drunk in a restaurant is gross. Clearly Jessica has never been to Hooters. James orders a beer for Jessica, and she's about to get really pissed when he tells her she's beautiful. One of the seniors in Theta comes over to the table just as the waiter puts the beers on the table. Jessica pours the beer into her glass while introducing James to Helen. James charms Helen and her date, and Jessica thinks she's overreacted about how much James had to drink.
Maia is telling Elizabeth that she and James had gone to the Mountain Lodge Inn for dinner, and on the way home he pulled over to a mountain road. She tells Elizabeth that she didn't tell anyone because everybody had seen her at the restaurant with him kissing, drinking, and wearing a backless dress. Elizabeth apologizes to Maia, but tells her she has to go to the restaurant.
The waiter offers dessert, and Jessica says she doesn't want to pork up. James starts rubbing her back and telling her that she's sexy. She gets a little weirded out by how he's fondling her so much in public. I personally find that grosser than getting drunk in a restaurant, but that's just me.
Elizabeth is running around looking for Tom. She checks the station, and leaves a message with one of the girls there. William White sees her leaving the station, and can tell by her body language that she's upset. He runs into the library so he can see her when she enters the lobby. Freak. Elizabeth notices the wheelchair in the lobby, and again when she gets to the basement. She briefly wonders about it, but doesn't have time to do anything. Maybe when she gets around to it, she should mention this strange man to someone. These Wakefield girls are so retarded, it's no wonder they're always being abducted. She leaves a message for Tom with the librarian, along with a map showing a shortcut to the restaurant, and takes off for the Lodge.
A tall guy goes up to the desk, introducing himself as Tom. He takes the map, and William wonders who the guy is, since it isn't Tom Watts.
Jessica is incredibly irritated with James. After dessert, he ordered brandies for both of them, and ended up drinking them both himself. He stands up and falls to the floor, swearing and being a jackass in general. The valet goes to get the car, and Jessica offers to drive. James says that he's perfectly capable, and never drinks more than he can handle. Jessica finally says that she'd really be happier if she drove, and James just gets in the car. Jessica says she has to go to the bathroom, and tries to call Elizabeth, who is, of course, not there. She goes through a few other options, and ultimately decides that James would be mad and everyone would think she was a dork, AND the Thetas would be mad that she was making the Greeks look bad. Jessica goes out and gets in the car.
Okay. After her boyfriend DIED IN A DRUNK DRIVING ACCIDENT THAT SHE INADVERTENTLY CAUSED, don't you think she would have a little more fucking sense than to care if people think she's a dork? She is such a ginormous fucktard, I want Lila to go kick her for me.
William is following Elizabeth, who is stuck in traffic (Elizabeth is driving up to the restaurant, and it's interjected into the scenes with Jessica for dramatic effect. It fails). He wishes his goddess would drive a bit more sensibly when he's trying to follow her. He wonders what the problem is, and guesses that it has something to do with Jessica and James. He has a feeling that he's going to do her a huge favor, and then she'll forgive him and be his FOR.EVER. Doubtful, as he's never been a member of any varsity sports team.
James is driving like a maniac, and Jessica begs him to pull over and let her drive. He ignores her and looks her up and down, saying, "Great outfit. I like a girl to dress sexy. If she's interested in sex, I think it's great that a woman feels she can make that statement." Jessica thinks that he's going to be very disappointed, as she has no intention of bumping uglies with him. James heads off to Lookout Point, with Jessica protesting. She finally gives in, thinking she'll just kiss him once and then make him take her home. James is making out with Jessica, and it's making her gag. She finally opens the door, wondering where Liz is when she needs her. Wonder Twin powers, activate!
James tries to get Jessica back in the car, and when she says she'd prefer to stay outside, he tries to unhook her top. She tells him to stop, and he pulls her to the ground. She keeps telling him to stop, and he tries to pull her pants down, asking her if she knows how much dinner cost. James pulls off his pants, and is trying to get Jessica's underwear off. He rolls off her, and ends up picking her up and carrying her to the car. Jessica screams as loud as she can. It's actually a pretty well-written and intense scene.
Elizabeth hears the scream, and is luckily right by Lookout Point. She sees James' car, and pulls a wrench out of the glove compartment. She smashes the passenger window in (I kind of love BadAss!Liz), and grabs James tie, twisting it to choke him. Liz tells Jess to get in the Jeep, and Jess warns her that James is drunk. Liz has Jessica start the car, and takes off. James is chasing her, and she can tell that he's about to grab her, when she hears a noise as James hits the ground. She sees him on his back, and wonders how he got there since there was nothing for him to hit his head on. As the twins pull away, Elizabeth sees a tall man in the shadows.
Elizabeth is trying to console Jessica that it's not her fault. Jessica "thickly" (for fuck's sake, Diane!) tells Elizabeth how brave she is (Liz actually earned a semi un-ironic Saint Elizabeth title in this book!). Elizabeth asks Jessica if she felt that someone else was on the mountain, and Jessica says she didn't. There's a knock on the door, and someone has left Jessica's bag there. She had left it on top of the telephone at the restaurant. There are several ten dollar bills paper clipped to a business card for a taxi service. Also, Jessica puts on a flannel nightgown, and when she wakes up the next morning (in book 11), she's wearing purple satin pajamas. Is it that hard to keep continuity from book to book?
Will Lila and Bruce survive? Will James be brought to justice? Will AlexEnid and T2 meet? Will William start singing showtunes? Find out in #11: Take Back the Night!