SVU Thriller - Dead Before Dawn
My first Sweet Valley recap! This is a little long, but everything was so interconnected that I had to go through everything because otherwise it would make no sense.
I seriously think that cover deserves an award for being the best cover of all time. AWESOME. Of course, nothing like that happens in the book, but it's so literal. It's Bruce! He's dead! Before dawn!
We open the action with Bruce sitting at his computer writing a story about a guy who is mysteriously poisoned by an unknown assassin. Do I sense foreshadowing in the air? Bruce has apparently locked himself up for two weeks to complete said screenplay, which is for a class with Sweet Valley’s own resident Academy-Award winning scriptwriter, Dennis Gordon. Bruce wanders around (in his silk boxers) imagining himself winning an Academy Award, hilariously thanking himself for being so talented and imagining Lila dressed up in something “hot and slinky”.
Except, oops, he hasn’t seen Lila in two weeks because of said screenplay, and she is going to be seriously pissed. I think Bruce should know by now that pissing off Lila is not a good idea. He even promised that he’d ring her back in ten minutes and then NEVER RANG HER BACK. Oh noes! He decides to give her a copy of his screenplay so she can worship his genius.
Lila complains to Isabella that she thinks Bruce has been taken over by aliens. No, seriously. He’s never shown this much interest in schoolwork before. As Bruce predicted, the sticking point seems to be the fact that he didn’t ring her back after promising he would in ten minutes. Isabella is shocked.
Lila and Isabella are nearly killed by a run-away Frisbee. Lila is outraged. Um, it’s a Frisbee. How much damage could it do? Well, she’s outraged until she sees the Frisbee owner. He’s gorgeous. And not only is he hot, he’s from Hillhaven Prep, an expensive preparatory school. So he’s cute and rich. Lila’s two favourite things! His name is Marcus Stanton. Lila name drops a few people she knows that went to Hillhaven Prep, and they bond over being rich. Lila refuses to give him her number, but he claims he’ll find it out anyway. I kinda hate him. He’s only been around for one page, so that’s pretty impressive. Anyway, Lila is glad to know that Bruce is not the only rich and hot guy in the world.
Bruce visits Lila, stopping for a moment to admire himself in the rearview mirror of 1bruce1. He is wearing custom made black cowboy boots. Why? I have no idea. At Lila’s Spanish-style off-campus unit, Bruce catches another guy leaving roses at Lila’s front porch. Bruce is pissed and confronts the other guy. Except the other guy is just the florist. Whoops! Bruce signs for the roses and finds a note from Marcus, in which Marcus asks Lila out for dinner. Bruce is pissed. Lila should be celebrating the genius of his screenplay, not flirting with other guys! Bruce throws away the card, but leaves Lila the roses so that she’ll think he sent them. Classy.
Bruce sits in Professor Gordon’s class and feels insecure about his relationship with Lila. He decides to go give his screenplay directly to the teacher because he simply can’t wait to hear the professor’s comments. Is he going to read the entire thing in front of Bruce?
Our favourite psychotic twin, Jessica Wakefield, is also taking Professor Gordon’s class. The class is invited to the opening of the new Beringer Wing of the film school, which Jessica is looking forward to. Turns out Jessica has become obsessed with the tragic story of Belinda Beringer, a wealthy, high-achieving, beautiful girl who inexplicably kills herself. Even more alarmingly, she’s completely drained her trust fund in the process. Jessica decides to write her next screenplay about the tragic teen. Of course the dead chick was incredibly beautiful and wealthy - she lived in Sweet Valley, after all.
Jessica asks her professor to sign a limited edition copy of his screenplay, which Elizabeth has saved up to buy. Apparently Jessica has been accepted into his class whilst Elizabeth hasn’t. Oooh, burn. Jessica lusts after her professor and regrets taking up Lila’s idea of writing about models vacationing in Paris. I don’t know, I’d totally watch that. Jessica brings up Belinda Beringer and asks what his next script is about. Professor Gordon gets all cranky and leaves, to Jessica’s dismay
Lila is unimpressed with Bruce’s screenplay. She is pissed because her sorority sisters wanted to serve doughnuts at a charity breakfast, when everybody knows that the only acceptable choices are croissants and crepes. Lila wonders why the library isn’t catalogued the way she would like it - ‘t’ for ‘term paper’, for example. Lila is awesome. Meanwhile, Bruce has left many angsty messages on her answering machine. She decides to ignore him and then rushes out again because doughnuts are back on the menu. Shameful!
Bruce goes to see his professor and is impressed with his luxurious office. Bruce pathetically tries to impress him. Professor Gordon laughs at him, and he is crushed. I’m starting to believe aliens have really taken over his body.
Bruce can’t believe that Lila still hasn’t responded to his messages! He comforts himself with the thought of his impending Academy Award and falls asleep in his cowboy boots.
Lila runs into Marcus on the way to Theta House. They flirt and Marcus is obnoxious. This is a running theme in their interactions. Lila finds out it was Marcus and not Bruce who sent her roses, and agrees to go to a movie with him to punish Bruce.
Bruce is still harassing Professor Gordon about reading his script. Bruce is a wimp. He runs into a guy from his class in the film library, but can’t remember his name and so he leaves. Hmm, do you think they put this seemingly unimportant detail in there for a reason? Professor Gordon finally reads it and thinks that it’s very “original”. Bruce’s main character is named Miles Lockwood. For some reason, this strikes me as hilarious. Bruce thinks he’s practically on the plane to Hollywood and then realizes that the professor has said that the plot is not ‘terribly likely’. He is shocked and appalled, especially when the professor calls it absurd. The professor offers him a Scotch to make him feel better. Couldn’t he get fired for that? Bruce tries not to cry like a baby. He drives off in 1bruce1 to find Lila.
Drama! Lila is preparing for her date with Marcus, but is not all that happy about it. She is missing Bruce and angry that he’s been so neglectful. Lila reads the first few pages of Bruce’s screenplay while she waits for Marcus and swoons over his dedication to her. Marcus turns up mid-swoon. He gets up close to her and she’s tempted to kiss him, but she still can’t stop thinking about Bruce. Bruce may be a pathetic wimp in this book, but Marcus is an asshat.
Bruce turns up at Lila’s house and she’s already gone on her date. The girl who lives across from her tells him she’s gone off with a total babe. He is pissed again. He decides to throw out his script, but it’s gone! He’s accidentally left it at the film library. Bruce decides to get Lila back.
Lila is on her date with Marcus, but he just isn’t Bruce. He doesn’t know that she likes extra butter, for example, or that she’s a diet soda girl. He also doesn’t know she’d rather see the movie next door. Good to see that Lila has woken up to smell the asshat.
Steven rings Jessica up to invite her to go to a bar with some of his grad school friends. Steven is kinda weird. Jessica is all excited about flirting with hot law school guys.
Lila tells Marcus that she has a boyfriend and he goes all psycho, raving about how she can’t dump him. Lila is scared and tries to call Bruce and Jessica, but neither is home. Marcus disappears whilst Lila calls for a cab.
Bruce goes to the Blue Lagoon bar, where Jessica is also headed, and again meets up with the mysterious blonde guy from the film library. Turns out the guy is actually Marcus! Except Bruce doesn’t know that. Marcus gives Bruce some beer and complains about how women suck. Marcus boasts about being rich, which Bruce thinks is tacky. Um, Bruce? You drive a car with 1bruce1 number plates. Just saying. Marcus talks about how his previous girlfriend committed suicide, but he thinks she was murdered. He didn’t tell the police, though, and when Bruce asks why, he goes all weird and leaves. Mysterious!
Jessica has missed her brother and his friends because she was too busy blow-drying her hair. She runs into a very drunk Bruce. She is much more interested in getting some good gossip about Lila’s hot date than sympathizing with Bruce. He drags her off to another party. Meanwhile, Lila is trying to phone Bruce and is regretting even meeting Marcus. She throws his flowers in the bin.
Meanwhile, Jessica is hating the party that Bruce has dragged her to. Bruce is drinking beer after beer and Jack Johnson, the host, hits on her. Bruce threatens to bash him up. Jessica goes home but Bruce follows her and passes out in her dorm room.
The next morning, he is shocked to find himself in Elizabeth’s bed (Elizabeth is away with her journalism class). Jessica is quite hilarious in this scene, totally fooling Bruce into thinking they sexed it up. Bruce is scandalized. Lila turns up looking for Bruce only to find him in Jessica’s room, half-clothed. She runs away crying. Look out, Jessica. Lila is going to cut a bitch.
Jessica confesses to Bruce that they didn’t make hot sweet love. His hangover is so bad that he can’t even get out of bed. He finally makes it home, where Lila has left him a cup of coffee and a note. She has forgiven him! Bruce would be happy if he still weren’t massively hung over. He huddles naked in the shower and tries not to die. Dude, who hasn’t been there? He vows never to drink again. Given that he used to keep alcohol and paper cups in his car in order to get girls liquored up, this seems slightly ironic.
Bruce heads over to Lila’s house, but passes out before he can get there. He ends up in hospital, where the doctor tells him he’s been poisoned. Just like in his story. OMG! And just like in his story, he only has 24 hours to live! Bizarrely, the hospital staff let him leave, presumably so he can die a horrible painless death by himself, away from any medical assistance. WTF?
Bruce goes to the police to tell them he’s been murdered. They laugh, as you would. Wouldn’t the hospital tell the police if they had reason to suspect a patient had been fatally poisoned? This book makes no sense. The police finally check with the hospital and question Bruce as to who would be likely to want to kill him. Um, how about every woman in Sweet Valley? Just for a start. Jessica is put on the shortlist. Bruce mentions the crazy dude from his film class. Otherwise known as Marcus. That was totally random, I’m sure. Bruce decides he has no time for the police to help him and leaves.
Jessica is preparing for the Beringer dedication ceremony when Bruce barges in. The ghostwriter goes to great lengths to emphasise how nearly naked Jessica is. Bruce accuses Jessica of poisoning him. She points out she would be far more likely to do that in high school. Heh. Good point, Jess. Jess is kinda awesome in this book. She decides to try and help him find out who his murderer is.
Bruce drives past Marcus (or Mr Blond, as he calls him) and decides that he must be the one who poisoned him! After all, he gave him his beer the night before, and was in the film library when Bruce left his screenplay behind. Clearly, he decided that Bruce’s screenplay was so inspiring he decided to emulate it! Perhaps Bruce will end up in Hollywood after all. You know, if he doesn’t end up six feet under.
Bruce chases Mr Blond’s MG to the SVU campus. A bunch of students milling around prevent him from seeing where Mr Blond has gone, much to Bruce’s disgust. Eventually, Jess (who has dressed for murderer pursuit in a short red dress and strappy heels) spots the MG parked on campus. The Beringer Wing dedication ceremony is going on, and Bruce decides Mr Blond must be there.
He’s right on, too, because Mr Blond is there giving a speech! It turns out - quelle surprise - that Marcus was Belinda Beringer’s fiancée. Jessica tells him that his name is Marcus, and the pieces fall into place for Bruce. Lila has cheated on him with a murderer! Bruce is outraged and scared at the same time. Bruce is deep, y’all.
Bruce and Jess wait backstage to confront Marcus. Considering Bruce is looking half dead by this time, I’m not sure exactly what he plans to do. Bruce and Jess follow Marcus into his dressing room, where Bruce rather stupidly confronts him about killing his fiancée. He seems to have forgotten he has been poisoned himself and only has hours to live. Oh well. Bruce tries to rough Marcus up a bit, but then Marcus punches Bruce and runs away.
Jessica and Bruce chase after Marcus again. In a moment of sheer awesomeness, JESSICA GETS TO DRIVE 1BRUCE1. She can’t believe it, either. She’s pretty impressed with its performance, too. She has fun chasing Mr Blond’s MG down a highway, but freaks out when Mr Blond heads towards Crestview, which is apparently full of hairpin turns. Jess is doing fine until suddenly she finds herself sailing over a guardrail and into the air. Oh no! 1bruce1! Oh, and also, Jess and Bruce!
Meanwhile, Lila is at a fancy restaurant, celebrating her mother’s birthday. By chance, she runs into one of the old friends she’d name dropped to Marcus - somebody who’d attended Hillhaven Prep. Lila tells Shelly about meeting Marcus, but OMG! She doesn’t know him and insists there is nobody of that name on the tennis team. Lila is creeped out.
Jessica and Bruce are hurtling through the air in 1bruce1. Miraculously, they come to a safe descent on the side of a canyon. Jess and Bruce jump out of the car before it falls to the bottom of a canyon. 1bruce1 is dead. I think this calls for a moment of silence.
*silence*
Bruce, to his amazement, doesn’t even care about the destruction of 1bruce1. He just wants a few more hours of life! Bruce is all charged up about finding Marcus, until he realizes that neither he nor Jess is capable of climbing up the canyon. He is going to die down the bottom of Crestview Canyon. At least he’ll be with 1bruce1, I suppose.
But before that can happen, two people with a tow truck rescue them! Bruce is relieved, until Jessica points out that he has lost the pager that Dr Martin has given him. So if she figures out the antidote before him, he won’t even know about it. It seems Bruce is fated to die!
Lila is on her way home, and still seriously spooked by Marcus. She is paranoid about the fact that he knows where she lives, and remembers that she didn’t actually give him her address in the first place. As she opens her front door, she is attacked by a mysterious assailant, who tries to drag her to her bedroom. She fights him off, and tries to escape to the bathroom, only to hit her head and pass out.
Bruce is trying to ring Marcus, but very surprisingly, there is no listing for anybody with that name. He decides to ring Lila instead. She, of course, doesn’t answer, because she’s kinda busy being attacked. Bruce decides to go to the florist that Marcus used to buy flowers for Lila. In order to do so, he steals a car. Jessica is all impressed by his ability to hotwire cars. Bruce wants Jess to sweet talk the florist whilst he goes through their files. He tells her that she is the best, and she laps it up. Jeez, Jess, at least pretend to be hard work.
Jess tells the florist that it’s their parent’s 25th-wedding anniversary, whilst Bruce searches for their files. They finally find the address, but Jess won’t drive Bruce to see Marcus. Instead, she drives to the hospital. Bruce lies and tells her he wants her to get a wheelchair as he can’t walk, and uses the opportunity to drive off in the stolen car, leaving Jess stranded at the hospital. Nice. Jessica is totally an idiot for falling for that, though.
Bruce drives to Marcus’ address. He lives in a very dodgy neighbourhood, because there are only rich people and very poor people in Sweet Valley. Bruce confronts Marcus, who has no idea what Bruce is talking about. What a surprise. Bruce doesn’t believe him, because he discovers that Marcus has a copy of his screenplay on his coffee-table. Marcus tells Bruce it’s genius (heh) but that he should be careful who he shows it to. Marcus confesses to taking the money from Belinda’s trust fund, but claims that somebody else killed her. He was planning to produce her screenplay with the money, but it disappeared. All this screenplay stuff is making me tired. Bruce and Marcus fight and Marcus grabs a gun.
Only it turns out Marcus never fired. Somebody else did and now he is dead. The killer has taken off with Bruce’s screenplay. Bruce tries to figure out who else the murderer might be. He starts to suspect Lila. Which is actually really not that far-fetched. He goes to Lila’s house and discovers that somebody has burnt his screenplay in her fireplace. How could somebody burn a work of such great genius? He finds Lila passed out in her bathroom. He is actually very sweet in this scene, cradling her and telling her how much he loves him. Aww. I want those two crazy kids to work it all out.
Lila wakes up and is pissed to find she has a lump on her head. Hee. I love Lila. Bruce tells her that he only has a couple of hours to live. Shouldn’t he be vomiting or something? She tells him to go find out who the murderer is and refuses to let him just die. Lila and Bruce are my favourite Sweet Valley couple. They might both be insane, but they clearly love each other. He goes back to Lila’s apartment as she goes off to hospital. Suddenly, it hits him: Professor Gordon!
Hands up who didn’t see that coming?
Bruce doesn’t suspect the professor as yet, though. He just wants to warn him that a killer might be after him! Bruce is an idiot. He arranges to meet Professor Gordon at his office. At 4.30am in the morning. Bruce decides to write his will whilst waiting for Professor Gordon, only to find that Professor Gordon has written his own name on Bruce’s screenplay. Turns out that Bruce’s screenplay was so brilliant that an Academy-Award winning writer wanted to steal it! Also, he notices the Scotch decanter. The pieces fall into place FINALLY.
Professor Gordon turns up just as Bruce realizes what’s really going on. Of course. Bruce claims to have had a sudden urge to discuss Fellini. HEE. Professor Gordon taunts him with the Scotch decanter and says he’s gotten away with it before. You guessed it, he killed Belinda in order to get her screenplay. THE VERY SCREENPLAY THAT WON AN OSCAR!
Lila remembers that her attacked said to her as she passed out, “see you at the movies”. Professor Gordon is a wee bit dramatic. Everything clicks for Jessica because Professor Gordon used the same phrase when he signed Elizabeth’s book. Jessica tells Lila to call the police. Which is pretty much the only sensible thing that anybody has done in this book.
Professor Gordon confesses he killed Marcus because Marcus knew what he had done. He tried to get rid of Lila because she had a copy of Bruce’s screenplay. Professor Gordon whines about how hard academic life is. I hear you, dude. But usually waiting for tenure doesn’t involve murdering. Well, so I assume. Bruce tries to strangle him.
Jessica heads to Professor Gordon’s office. Yeah, this is a great idea. Meanwhile, Bruce and Professor Gordon are wrestling. Professor Gordon chokes Bruce with electrical wire. Jessica chooses this moment to burst into the room. She awesomely knocks him out with his own crystal decanter. Bruce boggles at the irony of it all - Jessica has saved him but by destroying the decanter he’ll never know what poison was used! However, he discovers his half-filled glass from the other day, so he is saved after all! Man, just decide already.
Bruce and Lila are reunited at the hospital, and Dr Martin is hopeful. Bruce passes out. Dr Martin finds the antidote at the last minute. Of course. Bruce is going to be okay! Bruce promises never to take school work seriously again. Lila is saddened by the news of the death of 1bruce1. They find out on the news that Professor Gordon has been arrested for the murders of Belinda Beringer and Marcus Stanton.
The book ends up with agents falling over themselves to turn Bruce’s script into a film. Oh dear. They offer a million dollars! Bruce looks for a new 1bruce1. Bruce tells Lila to buy something hot for the Academy Awards and looks forward to getting his photo taken.
And there it is. I have to admit that the lack of Elizabeth and Todd was a huge selling point for this. If you have to concentrate on a small amount of characters, Jessica, Bruce and Lila are good ones to concentrate on.
I seriously think that cover deserves an award for being the best cover of all time. AWESOME. Of course, nothing like that happens in the book, but it's so literal. It's Bruce! He's dead! Before dawn!
We open the action with Bruce sitting at his computer writing a story about a guy who is mysteriously poisoned by an unknown assassin. Do I sense foreshadowing in the air? Bruce has apparently locked himself up for two weeks to complete said screenplay, which is for a class with Sweet Valley’s own resident Academy-Award winning scriptwriter, Dennis Gordon. Bruce wanders around (in his silk boxers) imagining himself winning an Academy Award, hilariously thanking himself for being so talented and imagining Lila dressed up in something “hot and slinky”.
Except, oops, he hasn’t seen Lila in two weeks because of said screenplay, and she is going to be seriously pissed. I think Bruce should know by now that pissing off Lila is not a good idea. He even promised that he’d ring her back in ten minutes and then NEVER RANG HER BACK. Oh noes! He decides to give her a copy of his screenplay so she can worship his genius.
Lila complains to Isabella that she thinks Bruce has been taken over by aliens. No, seriously. He’s never shown this much interest in schoolwork before. As Bruce predicted, the sticking point seems to be the fact that he didn’t ring her back after promising he would in ten minutes. Isabella is shocked.
Lila and Isabella are nearly killed by a run-away Frisbee. Lila is outraged. Um, it’s a Frisbee. How much damage could it do? Well, she’s outraged until she sees the Frisbee owner. He’s gorgeous. And not only is he hot, he’s from Hillhaven Prep, an expensive preparatory school. So he’s cute and rich. Lila’s two favourite things! His name is Marcus Stanton. Lila name drops a few people she knows that went to Hillhaven Prep, and they bond over being rich. Lila refuses to give him her number, but he claims he’ll find it out anyway. I kinda hate him. He’s only been around for one page, so that’s pretty impressive. Anyway, Lila is glad to know that Bruce is not the only rich and hot guy in the world.
Bruce visits Lila, stopping for a moment to admire himself in the rearview mirror of 1bruce1. He is wearing custom made black cowboy boots. Why? I have no idea. At Lila’s Spanish-style off-campus unit, Bruce catches another guy leaving roses at Lila’s front porch. Bruce is pissed and confronts the other guy. Except the other guy is just the florist. Whoops! Bruce signs for the roses and finds a note from Marcus, in which Marcus asks Lila out for dinner. Bruce is pissed. Lila should be celebrating the genius of his screenplay, not flirting with other guys! Bruce throws away the card, but leaves Lila the roses so that she’ll think he sent them. Classy.
Bruce sits in Professor Gordon’s class and feels insecure about his relationship with Lila. He decides to go give his screenplay directly to the teacher because he simply can’t wait to hear the professor’s comments. Is he going to read the entire thing in front of Bruce?
Our favourite psychotic twin, Jessica Wakefield, is also taking Professor Gordon’s class. The class is invited to the opening of the new Beringer Wing of the film school, which Jessica is looking forward to. Turns out Jessica has become obsessed with the tragic story of Belinda Beringer, a wealthy, high-achieving, beautiful girl who inexplicably kills herself. Even more alarmingly, she’s completely drained her trust fund in the process. Jessica decides to write her next screenplay about the tragic teen. Of course the dead chick was incredibly beautiful and wealthy - she lived in Sweet Valley, after all.
Jessica asks her professor to sign a limited edition copy of his screenplay, which Elizabeth has saved up to buy. Apparently Jessica has been accepted into his class whilst Elizabeth hasn’t. Oooh, burn. Jessica lusts after her professor and regrets taking up Lila’s idea of writing about models vacationing in Paris. I don’t know, I’d totally watch that. Jessica brings up Belinda Beringer and asks what his next script is about. Professor Gordon gets all cranky and leaves, to Jessica’s dismay
Lila is unimpressed with Bruce’s screenplay. She is pissed because her sorority sisters wanted to serve doughnuts at a charity breakfast, when everybody knows that the only acceptable choices are croissants and crepes. Lila wonders why the library isn’t catalogued the way she would like it - ‘t’ for ‘term paper’, for example. Lila is awesome. Meanwhile, Bruce has left many angsty messages on her answering machine. She decides to ignore him and then rushes out again because doughnuts are back on the menu. Shameful!
Bruce goes to see his professor and is impressed with his luxurious office. Bruce pathetically tries to impress him. Professor Gordon laughs at him, and he is crushed. I’m starting to believe aliens have really taken over his body.
Bruce can’t believe that Lila still hasn’t responded to his messages! He comforts himself with the thought of his impending Academy Award and falls asleep in his cowboy boots.
Lila runs into Marcus on the way to Theta House. They flirt and Marcus is obnoxious. This is a running theme in their interactions. Lila finds out it was Marcus and not Bruce who sent her roses, and agrees to go to a movie with him to punish Bruce.
Bruce is still harassing Professor Gordon about reading his script. Bruce is a wimp. He runs into a guy from his class in the film library, but can’t remember his name and so he leaves. Hmm, do you think they put this seemingly unimportant detail in there for a reason? Professor Gordon finally reads it and thinks that it’s very “original”. Bruce’s main character is named Miles Lockwood. For some reason, this strikes me as hilarious. Bruce thinks he’s practically on the plane to Hollywood and then realizes that the professor has said that the plot is not ‘terribly likely’. He is shocked and appalled, especially when the professor calls it absurd. The professor offers him a Scotch to make him feel better. Couldn’t he get fired for that? Bruce tries not to cry like a baby. He drives off in 1bruce1 to find Lila.
Drama! Lila is preparing for her date with Marcus, but is not all that happy about it. She is missing Bruce and angry that he’s been so neglectful. Lila reads the first few pages of Bruce’s screenplay while she waits for Marcus and swoons over his dedication to her. Marcus turns up mid-swoon. He gets up close to her and she’s tempted to kiss him, but she still can’t stop thinking about Bruce. Bruce may be a pathetic wimp in this book, but Marcus is an asshat.
Bruce turns up at Lila’s house and she’s already gone on her date. The girl who lives across from her tells him she’s gone off with a total babe. He is pissed again. He decides to throw out his script, but it’s gone! He’s accidentally left it at the film library. Bruce decides to get Lila back.
Lila is on her date with Marcus, but he just isn’t Bruce. He doesn’t know that she likes extra butter, for example, or that she’s a diet soda girl. He also doesn’t know she’d rather see the movie next door. Good to see that Lila has woken up to smell the asshat.
Steven rings Jessica up to invite her to go to a bar with some of his grad school friends. Steven is kinda weird. Jessica is all excited about flirting with hot law school guys.
Lila tells Marcus that she has a boyfriend and he goes all psycho, raving about how she can’t dump him. Lila is scared and tries to call Bruce and Jessica, but neither is home. Marcus disappears whilst Lila calls for a cab.
Bruce goes to the Blue Lagoon bar, where Jessica is also headed, and again meets up with the mysterious blonde guy from the film library. Turns out the guy is actually Marcus! Except Bruce doesn’t know that. Marcus gives Bruce some beer and complains about how women suck. Marcus boasts about being rich, which Bruce thinks is tacky. Um, Bruce? You drive a car with 1bruce1 number plates. Just saying. Marcus talks about how his previous girlfriend committed suicide, but he thinks she was murdered. He didn’t tell the police, though, and when Bruce asks why, he goes all weird and leaves. Mysterious!
Jessica has missed her brother and his friends because she was too busy blow-drying her hair. She runs into a very drunk Bruce. She is much more interested in getting some good gossip about Lila’s hot date than sympathizing with Bruce. He drags her off to another party. Meanwhile, Lila is trying to phone Bruce and is regretting even meeting Marcus. She throws his flowers in the bin.
Meanwhile, Jessica is hating the party that Bruce has dragged her to. Bruce is drinking beer after beer and Jack Johnson, the host, hits on her. Bruce threatens to bash him up. Jessica goes home but Bruce follows her and passes out in her dorm room.
The next morning, he is shocked to find himself in Elizabeth’s bed (Elizabeth is away with her journalism class). Jessica is quite hilarious in this scene, totally fooling Bruce into thinking they sexed it up. Bruce is scandalized. Lila turns up looking for Bruce only to find him in Jessica’s room, half-clothed. She runs away crying. Look out, Jessica. Lila is going to cut a bitch.
Jessica confesses to Bruce that they didn’t make hot sweet love. His hangover is so bad that he can’t even get out of bed. He finally makes it home, where Lila has left him a cup of coffee and a note. She has forgiven him! Bruce would be happy if he still weren’t massively hung over. He huddles naked in the shower and tries not to die. Dude, who hasn’t been there? He vows never to drink again. Given that he used to keep alcohol and paper cups in his car in order to get girls liquored up, this seems slightly ironic.
Bruce heads over to Lila’s house, but passes out before he can get there. He ends up in hospital, where the doctor tells him he’s been poisoned. Just like in his story. OMG! And just like in his story, he only has 24 hours to live! Bizarrely, the hospital staff let him leave, presumably so he can die a horrible painless death by himself, away from any medical assistance. WTF?
Bruce goes to the police to tell them he’s been murdered. They laugh, as you would. Wouldn’t the hospital tell the police if they had reason to suspect a patient had been fatally poisoned? This book makes no sense. The police finally check with the hospital and question Bruce as to who would be likely to want to kill him. Um, how about every woman in Sweet Valley? Just for a start. Jessica is put on the shortlist. Bruce mentions the crazy dude from his film class. Otherwise known as Marcus. That was totally random, I’m sure. Bruce decides he has no time for the police to help him and leaves.
Jessica is preparing for the Beringer dedication ceremony when Bruce barges in. The ghostwriter goes to great lengths to emphasise how nearly naked Jessica is. Bruce accuses Jessica of poisoning him. She points out she would be far more likely to do that in high school. Heh. Good point, Jess. Jess is kinda awesome in this book. She decides to try and help him find out who his murderer is.
Bruce drives past Marcus (or Mr Blond, as he calls him) and decides that he must be the one who poisoned him! After all, he gave him his beer the night before, and was in the film library when Bruce left his screenplay behind. Clearly, he decided that Bruce’s screenplay was so inspiring he decided to emulate it! Perhaps Bruce will end up in Hollywood after all. You know, if he doesn’t end up six feet under.
Bruce chases Mr Blond’s MG to the SVU campus. A bunch of students milling around prevent him from seeing where Mr Blond has gone, much to Bruce’s disgust. Eventually, Jess (who has dressed for murderer pursuit in a short red dress and strappy heels) spots the MG parked on campus. The Beringer Wing dedication ceremony is going on, and Bruce decides Mr Blond must be there.
He’s right on, too, because Mr Blond is there giving a speech! It turns out - quelle surprise - that Marcus was Belinda Beringer’s fiancée. Jessica tells him that his name is Marcus, and the pieces fall into place for Bruce. Lila has cheated on him with a murderer! Bruce is outraged and scared at the same time. Bruce is deep, y’all.
Bruce and Jess wait backstage to confront Marcus. Considering Bruce is looking half dead by this time, I’m not sure exactly what he plans to do. Bruce and Jess follow Marcus into his dressing room, where Bruce rather stupidly confronts him about killing his fiancée. He seems to have forgotten he has been poisoned himself and only has hours to live. Oh well. Bruce tries to rough Marcus up a bit, but then Marcus punches Bruce and runs away.
Jessica and Bruce chase after Marcus again. In a moment of sheer awesomeness, JESSICA GETS TO DRIVE 1BRUCE1. She can’t believe it, either. She’s pretty impressed with its performance, too. She has fun chasing Mr Blond’s MG down a highway, but freaks out when Mr Blond heads towards Crestview, which is apparently full of hairpin turns. Jess is doing fine until suddenly she finds herself sailing over a guardrail and into the air. Oh no! 1bruce1! Oh, and also, Jess and Bruce!
Meanwhile, Lila is at a fancy restaurant, celebrating her mother’s birthday. By chance, she runs into one of the old friends she’d name dropped to Marcus - somebody who’d attended Hillhaven Prep. Lila tells Shelly about meeting Marcus, but OMG! She doesn’t know him and insists there is nobody of that name on the tennis team. Lila is creeped out.
Jessica and Bruce are hurtling through the air in 1bruce1. Miraculously, they come to a safe descent on the side of a canyon. Jess and Bruce jump out of the car before it falls to the bottom of a canyon. 1bruce1 is dead. I think this calls for a moment of silence.
*silence*
Bruce, to his amazement, doesn’t even care about the destruction of 1bruce1. He just wants a few more hours of life! Bruce is all charged up about finding Marcus, until he realizes that neither he nor Jess is capable of climbing up the canyon. He is going to die down the bottom of Crestview Canyon. At least he’ll be with 1bruce1, I suppose.
But before that can happen, two people with a tow truck rescue them! Bruce is relieved, until Jessica points out that he has lost the pager that Dr Martin has given him. So if she figures out the antidote before him, he won’t even know about it. It seems Bruce is fated to die!
Lila is on her way home, and still seriously spooked by Marcus. She is paranoid about the fact that he knows where she lives, and remembers that she didn’t actually give him her address in the first place. As she opens her front door, she is attacked by a mysterious assailant, who tries to drag her to her bedroom. She fights him off, and tries to escape to the bathroom, only to hit her head and pass out.
Bruce is trying to ring Marcus, but very surprisingly, there is no listing for anybody with that name. He decides to ring Lila instead. She, of course, doesn’t answer, because she’s kinda busy being attacked. Bruce decides to go to the florist that Marcus used to buy flowers for Lila. In order to do so, he steals a car. Jessica is all impressed by his ability to hotwire cars. Bruce wants Jess to sweet talk the florist whilst he goes through their files. He tells her that she is the best, and she laps it up. Jeez, Jess, at least pretend to be hard work.
Jess tells the florist that it’s their parent’s 25th-wedding anniversary, whilst Bruce searches for their files. They finally find the address, but Jess won’t drive Bruce to see Marcus. Instead, she drives to the hospital. Bruce lies and tells her he wants her to get a wheelchair as he can’t walk, and uses the opportunity to drive off in the stolen car, leaving Jess stranded at the hospital. Nice. Jessica is totally an idiot for falling for that, though.
Bruce drives to Marcus’ address. He lives in a very dodgy neighbourhood, because there are only rich people and very poor people in Sweet Valley. Bruce confronts Marcus, who has no idea what Bruce is talking about. What a surprise. Bruce doesn’t believe him, because he discovers that Marcus has a copy of his screenplay on his coffee-table. Marcus tells Bruce it’s genius (heh) but that he should be careful who he shows it to. Marcus confesses to taking the money from Belinda’s trust fund, but claims that somebody else killed her. He was planning to produce her screenplay with the money, but it disappeared. All this screenplay stuff is making me tired. Bruce and Marcus fight and Marcus grabs a gun.
Only it turns out Marcus never fired. Somebody else did and now he is dead. The killer has taken off with Bruce’s screenplay. Bruce tries to figure out who else the murderer might be. He starts to suspect Lila. Which is actually really not that far-fetched. He goes to Lila’s house and discovers that somebody has burnt his screenplay in her fireplace. How could somebody burn a work of such great genius? He finds Lila passed out in her bathroom. He is actually very sweet in this scene, cradling her and telling her how much he loves him. Aww. I want those two crazy kids to work it all out.
Lila wakes up and is pissed to find she has a lump on her head. Hee. I love Lila. Bruce tells her that he only has a couple of hours to live. Shouldn’t he be vomiting or something? She tells him to go find out who the murderer is and refuses to let him just die. Lila and Bruce are my favourite Sweet Valley couple. They might both be insane, but they clearly love each other. He goes back to Lila’s apartment as she goes off to hospital. Suddenly, it hits him: Professor Gordon!
Hands up who didn’t see that coming?
Bruce doesn’t suspect the professor as yet, though. He just wants to warn him that a killer might be after him! Bruce is an idiot. He arranges to meet Professor Gordon at his office. At 4.30am in the morning. Bruce decides to write his will whilst waiting for Professor Gordon, only to find that Professor Gordon has written his own name on Bruce’s screenplay. Turns out that Bruce’s screenplay was so brilliant that an Academy-Award winning writer wanted to steal it! Also, he notices the Scotch decanter. The pieces fall into place FINALLY.
Professor Gordon turns up just as Bruce realizes what’s really going on. Of course. Bruce claims to have had a sudden urge to discuss Fellini. HEE. Professor Gordon taunts him with the Scotch decanter and says he’s gotten away with it before. You guessed it, he killed Belinda in order to get her screenplay. THE VERY SCREENPLAY THAT WON AN OSCAR!
Lila remembers that her attacked said to her as she passed out, “see you at the movies”. Professor Gordon is a wee bit dramatic. Everything clicks for Jessica because Professor Gordon used the same phrase when he signed Elizabeth’s book. Jessica tells Lila to call the police. Which is pretty much the only sensible thing that anybody has done in this book.
Professor Gordon confesses he killed Marcus because Marcus knew what he had done. He tried to get rid of Lila because she had a copy of Bruce’s screenplay. Professor Gordon whines about how hard academic life is. I hear you, dude. But usually waiting for tenure doesn’t involve murdering. Well, so I assume. Bruce tries to strangle him.
Jessica heads to Professor Gordon’s office. Yeah, this is a great idea. Meanwhile, Bruce and Professor Gordon are wrestling. Professor Gordon chokes Bruce with electrical wire. Jessica chooses this moment to burst into the room. She awesomely knocks him out with his own crystal decanter. Bruce boggles at the irony of it all - Jessica has saved him but by destroying the decanter he’ll never know what poison was used! However, he discovers his half-filled glass from the other day, so he is saved after all! Man, just decide already.
Bruce and Lila are reunited at the hospital, and Dr Martin is hopeful. Bruce passes out. Dr Martin finds the antidote at the last minute. Of course. Bruce is going to be okay! Bruce promises never to take school work seriously again. Lila is saddened by the news of the death of 1bruce1. They find out on the news that Professor Gordon has been arrested for the murders of Belinda Beringer and Marcus Stanton.
The book ends up with agents falling over themselves to turn Bruce’s script into a film. Oh dear. They offer a million dollars! Bruce looks for a new 1bruce1. Bruce tells Lila to buy something hot for the Academy Awards and looks forward to getting his photo taken.
And there it is. I have to admit that the lack of Elizabeth and Todd was a huge selling point for this. If you have to concentrate on a small amount of characters, Jessica, Bruce and Lila are good ones to concentrate on.