SVH #111 and Super Thriller #7: A Deadly Christmas
So this book was recapped a couple of years ago, but I found it at an op shop the other day. It was one of the ones I missed out on reading when I was younger, but it's so classic Sweet Valley, I feel the need to re-recap it anyway. Don't call it a remake, though, 'cause that's lame; however, I will accept 'gritty reboot.'
The cover is boring. A stocking is hung by the chimney with care. That's it. Google Images seems to think that there's a flappy bit that folds out, featuring Jess lying on the floor in an awful vest thing, but my book doesn't have it. Gypped!
Jessica is sitting in front of the TV, watching her fiancé kidnap his ex-girlfriend. Yep. That, uh, that happened, apparently. From what we know from the first four ( yes, four) books in the miniseries, Sue Gibbons is a family friend staying at the Wakefields, and somehow Jessica managed to steal her boyfriend, Jeremy Randall. Then, Sue got kidnapped and Liz dropped off a whole lot of fake 'sorry my whore sister stole your man' ransom money. Guilt is cheap in Sweet Valley. Oh, and Jess taped the whole drop-off, because calling the cops is just too much effort for these people. The kidnapper appears on camera, identity well hidden...except Jess has just noticed that the ring on his finger looks suspiciously like the one she gave Jeremy that afternoon. (Assumedly before all the ex-girlfriend 'napping; not even Jess is insensitive enough to ask a kidnap victim's ex to marry her while she's being kidnapped.)
Jess recalls the day she met Jeremy and his "coffee-colored eyes" on the beach. Guess Todd doesn't have the monopoly on caffeinated peepers. Too bad. They embarked on a secret whirlwind romance behind Sue's back, and Jeremy promised to call it off with her...but it turns out that Sue had some sort of gnarly genetic disease and then the whole kidnapping thing happened, I s'pose. This book is insane already, and it's all just exposition so far.
In the kitchen, Sue is perfecting her poor little diseased kidnapped girl act with Alice. She thinks that Jeremy should've been here to pick her up an hour ago, which for the readers is the penny-dropping ZOMG-she's-in-on-it moment. She admits that "Alice and Ned Wakefield and their teenaged daughter Elizabeth were some of the kindest people she'd ever met." Ha ha, no love for Jess. Sue begins to wonder if Jeremy loves her at all, or if he's just after her money. Ladies, please listen to me -- if your man is so desperate to get his hands on your inheritance that he thinks kidnapping you is a good idea, I'd maybe put the cops on speed dial. Just in case.
Jeremy arrives back at the house. No one questions where he's been or anything. Jess makes out with him, inexplicably thinking, "Now it's my turn to get some attention." From the man you just accused of holding Sue for ransom, Jess, really? You're fresh out of attention-seeking ideas now, of all times?
After everyone's gone to bed, Liz heads down to the kitchen and thinks how fishy this whole situation is. Her top-notch journalistic instincts are telling her that something's wrong. This is not at all like any of the other kidnappings Liz has somehow been involved in, including her own. Jeremy comes downstairs and offers to make Liz a hot chocolate, and Liz very rationally responds to this by screaming about how she hates him and "you'll marry my sister over my dead body!" Jeremy tells her she's just jealous -- after all, he's a real man, while Todd is just a kid. Heh. Weird time to be making fun of Todd, but I like it anyway. Liz silently thinks that Todd is much more of a man than Jeremy ever will be. Honestly, though, why is Todd even in this conversation? They just kind of brought him up for no reason. After all this corpse talk and random Todd, Liz goes upstairs and punches the crap out of her pillow, just like TBT taught her. Oh, Toddles. You're never far from anyone's mind.
At school, the twins are talking about their top-secret rescue mission. Apparently Lila and Todd were part of it too, dressing up as maintenance people and planning to tackle the kidnapper if they saw him. That. Is so. Cool. I don't know why Lila of all people is Todd's second-in-command punchmaster, but I kind of completely love it. Todd mentions that all they did was tackle poor old Jeremy and make fools of themselves. Ha! Lila and Todd actually got the kidnapper and didn't even realise! These two really ought to team up more often. Jess notices that while their bragging is going on, Liz is sitting there looking humourless. Yeah. How dare she take this kidnapping thing so seriously! Jess then thinks about her hot date tonight, because I guess she forgot that her boyfriend is a criminal, or just doesn't care, or something. I don't know.
That night, Liz confront Jess, who's getting ready to sneak out to see Jeremy. Jess blows up, yelling, "You don't know him, Liz. Not like I do." Of course. Liz didn't even see him on tape mid-kidnap! IT'S LIKE SHE DOESN'T KNOW HIM AT ALL! Jess goes on her date with Jeremy, and can't help but think that Liz knows nothing about real love. After all, she and Todd had "a juvenile, high school relationship." Again with the random Todd hate! It's like they can't even be bothered waiting around for Toddles to do something stupid (as he inevitably will) before paying him out. Jeremy gives Jessica a bracelet and tells him he wants to get acquainted with her lady parts. Jess is like, "Huh?"
The next evening, Jeremy is making out with Sue. Oh, Jeremy. We know he's a bad guy because he's a -- gasp! -- two-timer! That's only okay when Jess does it! They talk about their plan to move to New York as soon as Sue gets her inheritance. Apparently she wasn't entitled to it while she was still seeing Jeremy, but now that they're "broken up," all bets are off. Which begs the question -- why the kidnapping? Couldn't she have just been like, "Yep, Jeremy's seeing Jessica now, so I guess I'll take my money and be off, then." Why was it necessary for an abduction to take place? Maybe that's just what Jeremy's into. I hope Jess brings some chains for their impending night of passion.
The next morning, Jeremy sneaks out of the Wakefield house and back to his motel, thinking about how he's going to steal all of Sue's money and then disappear forever. Oh, and before that, he's going to nail himself a Wakefield. Another reason Jeremy is Teh Evil -- he thinks about sex casually! He'll go all the way with someone he doesn't even love! That horny bastard!
Liz and Sue talk in the kitchen, and Liz asks Sue if she's having trouble sleeping. Sue smiles and says yes. Not because of the kidnapping horror, but because of all of the sex she's having with evil Jeremy! Jessica walks in, and Sue tells her to stay away from Jeremy. Liz thinks she must be jealous.
Jess floats through the hallway of Sweet Valley High, thinking about how she wants Jeremy to pop her cherry with Whitney Houston playing in the background. Oh, Whitney, ever the third wheel in nineties sex romps. The things she must've seen. Then our ghostie realises that it's AIDS-aware 1994 and has Jess think about how she needs to buy some condoms for protection against pregnancy and STDs. Suddenly, she runs straight into Ken Matthews, and he tells her he looks pretty today. Foreshadowing much?
At lunch, Pamela Robertson is talking about some Mistletoe Madness dance she and Bruce Patman are chairing. Heh. Bruce is organising a dance, really? Really? Pamela must've talked him into it. That hussy. Somehow this turns into a conversation about how Lila's new boyfriend Robby is a painter, and he's got some art exhibition on next week that he's not even a little bit ready for. Amy's like, "Classic Robby. He's a moocher." Lila tells her to shut up, but admits that she might be right. Just then, Jess comes up and hits Lila up for a loan so she can buy some slutty underwear or whatev. (She doesn't tell her that...yet.)
While all this is going on, Liz is talking to Todd about how she doesn't know what Sue's deal is. She sulks about how "I haven't helped solve the mystery behind her kidnapping." A-ha! This is what all of this is about, isn't it, Liz? She don't suspect Sue's a bad guy at all -- she just assumes that the case isn't over because she hasn't added anything to it! Liz goes off to an Oracle meeting where -- get this -- Mr. Collins announces that the Oracle's computers are now online! OMG internets! John Pfeifer asks a question about some newspaper archives site called INFOMAX (their capital letters), but I'm too busy wondering why the ghostwriters keep bringing him up for one-line appearances even after they discovered he was a date rapist. Mr. Collins Googles Penny. Not in a creepy way, in a typing-her-name-into-INFOMAX way. So I guess he INFOMAXes her. Whatever. Every time I see the word INFOMAX, I imagine that it's being said by a booming voice-over. Try it yourself; it's fun. INFOMAX! INFOOOOMAXXX! When nobody's looking, Liz types in Jeremy Randall's name and is disappointed when she can't find any dirt on him.
Jessica leaves cheerleading practice early, thinking, "Boy, is Lila going to flip out when she finds out we're going shopping for garters and teddies." I don't know why, but I really love that line. Before she can hop in the Jeep and head towards the edible underwear store, Ken Matthews comes up to her and asks her if she wants to hang out at the Dairi Burger with the team. He's totally into her, but she doesn't realise it yet, so she says she has plans.
Lila swings by Robby's place before meeting Jessica at the mall so she can check up on him. Robby admits he hasn't painted anything for the art exhibition, but he will. Lila is concerned, but decides not to bug him. Aw. Lila would be the best girlfriend ever. I'm over this scene, though, because all I really want to do right now is see Lila and Jess go shopping for negligees.
Sweet Valley Mall time! Yay! Jess picks out a sexy red teddy and asks what Lila thinks. Lila actually says "I think you're planning on being very naughty." AHAHAHA! I love Lila so damn much. Jess tells her that she and Jeremy are planning on riding the hobby horse on Friday, and Lila reacts the way you just knew she would -- "the two girls jumped up and down, laughing and practically bouncing off the dressing-room walls." God. How much better would this damn series be if Lila and Jess were the twins, and Liz was just some wet blanket friend they hung out with out of pity?
Lila talks about how Jess's decision is a big one, but then admits that she doesn't think she'll go through with it. Jess tells her that when Lila "becomes a woman," she'll understand. Naturally, they're both joking. Lila then asks, totally serious, "Do you think Liz and Todd do it?" and I've never laughed louder or longer in my whole life. Seriously. Tears in my eyes. Lila actually thinks about Todd and Liz having sex, and also, Steven and Billie apparently. I love that Lila just goes around wondering who's having sex. Who'd have thought that Lila Fowler of all people would be the covert pervert of the series? This is seriously the greatest conversation Lila and Jess have ever had.
While all the hot sex talk is going on in the Unique Boutique dressing room, Liz and Todd are doing homework at the Wilkins house. Heh. Liz is distracted by thoughts that there must be some clues about the kidnapping she just hasn't discovered yet. Todd actually says, "You mean clues that even Sam Diamond and the police haven't managed to uncover?" I love when Todd gets snarky. Liz tells him about how they all went up to the cabin in the mountains to look for Sue when she got abducted, but Jeremy convinced them that the cabin was empty. She thinks he may been lying. Todd decides to drive Liz up to the mountains, hopefully to leave her there to be eaten by a pack of wolves.
Sue and Jeremy are on a date. Like, a public one. In a public restaurant where bloody anyone could see them. Not exactly the definition of 'stealth', you guys. Apparently Sue overheard Jess and Lila's sexy and awesome conversation at Unique Boutique today, and is paranoid that Jeremy is sleeping with Jessica. She wants to cry, but "tears always made Jeremy lose his temper." Well that's because he's crazy, Sue. Yeah. Crazy and abusive. Villainy is afoot, woman! How can you not see that? Jeremy assures Sue that he doesn't like Jessica, and he only kisses her because he has to keep up the act. Sue is content. She didn't even really question him or anything, but apparently this is enough for her to think that Jess must just be lost in some schoolgirl fantasy.
Todd and Liz arrive at the cabin in the mountains. Liz gets out of the car and remarks that it's cold up there. Todd says something about the elevation, and how it even snows up in the mountains. Todd's trying to out-science Liz using basic logic, and it's working. Liz is so dumb. They go into the cabin to snoop around. Liz goes up to the attic, and gets attacked by bats. The mental image is spectacular. Then she finds a chair, some rope and some canned food, and assumes that this is where Sue was taken when she was kidnapped. She deduces that Jeremy is the kidnapper, which I think Jess worked out at the start of this book (but spontaneously forgot somehow), so way to catch up there, Older By Four Minutes.
While this is going on, Sue is at home listening in on Jeremy and Jessica's phone conversation. She overhears Jeremy telling Jess that one of his mates is letting them use his beach condo for getting their freak on. Well. It's a much nicer offer than Jordan Catalano's abandoned house idea, but still. Sue gets all sad and teary now that Jeremy's not around to smack them off her face. Poor, stupid Sue. I feel kinda sorry for her; like whenever I watch The Hills and see Heidi falling for all of sociopathic Spencer's bullshit despite LC's desperate pleas.
Above: every episode of The Hills, ever.
Jess has a nightmare where Sue tries to shoot her. She then wakes up to see Sue standing over her bed. Jessica's like, "Get out, crazy lady!" and Sue explains the whole thing -- she and Jeremy are still together, Jeremy kidnapped her for the inheritance, et cetera et cetera. There are literally six pages of exposition, which further proves my theory that this entire book series is unnecessarily complicated. Jess cries and tells Sue that she doesn't believe a word she says, even though she saw the kidnapper on the video wearing the ring she gave Jeremy, and why is that not ringing any alarm bells?
The next morning, Jessica wakes up and realises Jeremy's deception. Fucking finally. Don't know why she had to sleep on it, but she did. She calls Jeremy and pikes out on their sexy condo shag appointment. Jeremy's like, "Coolies, I'll pork you next time." Jeremy's made of evil, but I still kind-of like him. Is that weird? Jessica goes to the bathroom and rests her head on the toilet seat, for absolutely no reason except to find out what it's like to get chin crabs. Then she goes to school forty minutes early to think about how she's "way too young for any of this." Francine-approved message of the week: if you so much as think about having sex, your boyfriend will end up being a criminal. Even if he wasn't before, he will get a sudden urge to commit crimes right before you do it, and you will be sad and alone. Take back that sexy underwear and fasten your chastity belts, girls.
Lila takes Jess to the art supply store to buy paints and stuff. Not as much fun as the whole teddy-buying excursion, but I'm sure they'll make it enjoyable. Lila announces that since Procrastinator!Robby won't get off his ass and paint anything, Lila's going to do it herself. Jess reminds her that she is not what they call artistically inclined, and Lila oh-so-awesomely says, "You smear some paint on a canvas and call it modern art. How hard could it be?" They go back to Fowler Manor, and Lila asks Jess to get her kit off so she can paint her in the nude. Lila, no, really, you are the greatest thing ever created. Please tell me Jess is wearing the Heart of the Ocean. She settles for Jess posing on the bed fully-clothed, although I reckon that if she really wanted to get her money's worth out of that red negligee, this is as good a time as any.
The SVH gang meets at the Dairi Burger after yet another football win against Big Mesa. Bruce talks up the Mistletoe Madness dance "with his usual arrogance." Yeah, but this time Bruce is arrogant about a dance. That wench Pamela has turned him into a monster. Stop corrupting my fantasy BFF with your lame do-gooder school spirit, vile harpy! Ken drives Jess home afterwards, and she thinks about how much fun it is being a regular old high-schooler again, not the sex-having fiancée of a greedy criminal mastermind. Speaking of which, if she's so sure Jeremy is behind all this, why hasn't she, you know, called the cops? Or even the private investigator lady?
Liz and Todd are on the porch, making out a little. Todd says he could kiss her all night, which is Todd for, "Sex me up, woman!" He then tells her she's huggable and loses any respect he might have ever gained. Liz goes inside, and Jessica tells her Sue's story about how the last few books' events have all been an elaborate set-up to get Sue's money, and Liz is like, "I knew it!" She decides to take this matter to the authorities...tomorrow. I guess it must be past her bedtime or something.
The next morning, Liz tries to call the family's private investigator, Sam Diamond. That's Girl Sam. To differentiate between her and Dead From Magical Vodka Sam. Turns out that Girl Sam doesn't work weekends. In Sweet Valley, crime only occurs on business days, assumedly between the hours of nine and five. Jess suggests getting her home number from Ned, but -- and I swear this is true -- Liz doesn't want to tell her parents what's going on. Really? Did you miss the parts where that sexual deviant Jeremy tried to steal his girlfriend's money, fake her damn kidnapping, then attempt to convince your sister to boff him, Liz? His accomplice is living in your house -- why, oh why, would you not tell your parents?! Fuck all of these people.
The twins take the video of the ransom drop-off to the detective who investigated the kidnapping. He's like, "No way, it was a setup, really?" and Jess says she can prove it by showing them the tape and pointing out Jeremy's ring. But ruh-roh -- Steven used the video to tape one of his favourite "popular television sitcoms" the other day. What ridiculousness. Steven actually came home, taped over a kidnapping, and went back to SVU sans tape without being mentioned once. The detective tells the girls that they're stupid liars, and to really think about their actions before they go ahead and be good citizens again.
At home, Jeremy calls. Jess pretends that she's really sick, and he reminds her about their plans to "be together." After they hang up, she overhears Sue calling Jeremy and arranging to meet at some fountain. Jess decides to borrow Amy's camcorder and catch them together. Doing what? They're meeting at a fountain. What criminal behaviour could they possibly get up to at a fountain? Are they gonna jump in fully-clothed and dance around while "I'll Be There For You" plays in the background, because if that's a crime, someone had better alert Matt LeBlanc.
Sue drives to the damn fountain, thinking about how she told Jessica the truth to keep her away from Jeremy. Um...what? She just upped and told Jess everything, all the illegal things they did, simply to get her to stop seeing Jeremy? Sue is the stupidest person ever. Jess puts on a hat and sunglasses from her My First Spy Kit and attempts to film them meeting at the fountain, but some lady with a stroller runs into her and she bolts.
Meanwhile, Sue and Jeremy head back to his hotel room. While Jeremy is in the shower, Sue finds a suspicious plane ticket to Hawaii and decides to snoop around to see what else Jeremy's been keeping from her. She finds a clipping of a wedding announcement from an Atlanta newspaper -- it's Jeremy in the picture, but the announcement indicates that his name is Matt Thorn. Deception! Duplicity! Jeremy appears to be really bad at both these things, though. Why keep the newspaper clipping, Big J? I get that you're proud of your badassedness, but seriously, you kept the evidence? Jeremy (or Matt or whoever) comes into the room and tells Sue that if Jessica suspects anything, they'll have to "get rid of her." Poor stupid Sue finally realises how much shit she's in.
At the Wakefield house, Sue confronts Jess and Liz and tries to tell them about what just happened, saying, "Oh, Liz, I can't bear for you to know what a nasty person I am!" Well, totally. She might try to shoulder-pat you. No! Anything but the shoulder-pat! Sue shows the girls the newspaper clipping, and it finally dawns on them that Jeremy is a con man. Liz is like, "I knew it!" again. Liz, you know nothing. You can't go around claiming that you solved the mystery. Everything you know, you know because other people told you.
Monday morning, the twins head to the Oracle office so they can gather information on Matt Thorn using that big fancy interweb thing they have in the computers there. (INFOMAX!) They come up empty-handed. Elizabeth deduces that Matt Thorn must be another alias, so they decide to INFOMAX his former bride Marla Tannenbaum and get her phone number. Jessica impersonates a police officer (more specifically, the detective who blew the girls off the other day) and asks Marla about Matt Thorn. She tells her that she married Matt and he stole her money. Pretty much what they were expecting. Liz is like, "Then why didn't INFOMAX know? INFOMAX knows all!" and Marla says that she was too embarrassed to tell anyone. (Least of all the nerds who run INFOMAX.) Because...the cops in Atlanta would laugh or something? Of course! How dare she be a victim of crime! Sue tells Jessica that she must keep pretending she loves Jeremy so he doesn't get suss and skip town. Or you know what else they could do, maybe, possibly? CALL THE POLICE. This all feels very evidencey to me now.
Jess gets home and finds twelve long-stemmed roses from Jeremy with a note attached saying, "I hope tonight will be the night." God, Jeremy really wants some underage lovin'. You'd think he'd be trying to keep a low profile or something, but no. Jessica Wakefield's giney is the only thing on his mind. Jeremy calls to make sure that she A) got the roses, and B) is still into the idea of getting premarital with him tonight. Jessica puts all her years of being a tease to good use and tells him she'll be there. She hangs up and proceeds to tell Liz about her date with the fucking crazy man, and Liz is like, "Ohh, that's so dangerous. Let's pick out something for you to wear."
Jeremy and Jessica go out to dinner, but Jess tells him that she's missed a lot of class on account of that flu thing she lied about having and needs to catch up on homework. Jeremy's actually pretty cool about it, considering. I suppose it's bad for Sweet Valley that he's even thinking of getting nekkid and sinful with a real live girl, but he takes her home and tells her that they'll do it another time. Come to think of it, it does strike me as weird that this Super Thriller is pretty much about how Jess is avoiding having sex with a conman. It's all a bit strange, really. No killers on boats, no werewolves, just a handsy older man who's keen to get all up in Jess's goody bag. He's not even forcing her into it or anything. He's just...dating her.
The next day at lunch, Jess sits by herself in the cafeteria, moping about how her fiancé "had turned out to be a professional con artist and crook." Look, I'll give her that. That's definitely mope-worthy. Ken Matthews comes up behind her and gives her a single white rose, because he noticed that she's looking really sad today and he wants to cheer her up. Naww, Ken Matthews! That is just the sweetest thing. Jess likes this rose so much better than the thorny ones Jeremy had given her. Dick didn't even think to pluck the thorns off? Now we know he's evil.
We go back to the Lila subplot for a bit, which normally I'd be thrilled about, but this one seems so out of place. Most of this book is like, "Whoah, Super Thriller! Con men! Sex! Thievery!" and then suddenly we head back to a story about how Lila is ghost-painting for Robby. Anyway, Lila delivers "Robby's" paintings to the gallery for the big exhibition, and is horrified when all the experts hate them and declare Robby's career to be over before it began. Just then, Robby rushes through the door with his real artwork, looks at the crap on the walls, and is all, "What the shit?"
Cut to Lila, sitting by herself in the parking lot of the art gallery, weeping uncontrollably and saying, "Lila Fowler, you are such a meddlesome idiot!" Heh. Even her insults to herself are awesome. Robby comes out, holds her in his arms and tells her not to cry. Between him and Ken "Single White Rose" Matthews, this book is making me fall more and more in love with the men of Sweet Valley. He takes her inside and shows her all of his real paintings. Of course, he's the toast of the room. Lila admits that she thought when she saw Robby in a panic last week, it meant that he wouldn't be finished in time. Robby says, "I was in a panic...but it was a pretty productive panic." Aw. Pressure really does make diamonds. I love Robby. He's my second-favourite Lila boyfriend now. (Behind my bud Brucie, natch.)
It's Wednesday now, and Sue was due to get her inheritance money, but apparently it's not in her bank account. She calls Jeremy to tell him, and he doesn't seem concerned at all. Well, uh, Sue? that's because he STOLE IT ALREADY. How isn't she putting two and two together? Poor, stupid Sue. The twins finally give her a nice big logic injection and tell her that Jeremy probably already has the money, and together they hatch a plan.
Ken calls Jess and asks her to the dance, but oh noes -- that's the night she and Liz are going to foil Jeremy's evil plot! Why did they schedule that at the same time as the dance? Don't they care about the dance? It's a dance, you guys! Ken's pretty cool about the rejection, and Jess gets excited about the prospect of him having a crush on her. It doesn't come as too much of a shock to her, after all because they're "two gorgeous blondes," and isn't it natural? I love how in the midst of all this danger and Super Thriller-ness, Jess still has time to be completely vain and self-centred.
At school, Todd, Liz and the decorations committee (hopefully not chaired by Bruce Patman) are getting the gym ready for the dance. Todd is wearing "a spruce-green polo shirt and white jeans," because he seems to have come straight from Miami Vice re-enactment practice today. Liz drags Todd aside and fills him in on what's been going on with the Jeremy/Sue thing since they broke into the cabin that one time. Todd actually says, "It sounds like you have enough to go to the police." Why yes, Todd, it does, doesn't it? Just to recap, Todd said that. Todd apparently knows about police procedure and how it snows in the mountains. Todd Wilkins is the smartest person in this book, which either means someone's laced the rest of the town's water supply with stupid pills, or Todd has a genius white denim-clad doppelganger who sometimes fills in for him when the real Toddles gets sick of Liz.
Liz assures Todd that they'll be fine, because they're calling Girl Sam the private dick and asking her to help them. By the way, Girl Sam totally looks like Veronica Mars in my head. Todd tries several times to convince his girlfriend that she's mental for putting herself in harm's way like that, then "a light flickered in his dark eyes" and he offers to go with them. Heh. Dark, lifeless eyes. I guess it really is Todd. I hope he brings Lila and the maintenance uniforms on this little adventure.
Jess calls Jeremy as part of phase one of The Plan. She tells him that she knows what he's been up to and that everything has been an elaborate scheme to get Sue's money. Hey wow, that's a really great approach, if the plan was to see how many shotgun wounds it takes to kill a Wakefield. Jess tells him that she loves him anyway, and that she wants to run away with him. Jeremy completely believes her (because he is incurably stupid), and tells her to meet him at the cabin in the mountains. My God, that man will do just about anything to slip Jess the hot beef injection.
Alice decides to put in an appearance, despite being absent for approximately 97.6% of this book. Hey, it's not like she's needed or anything. Her house guest got kidnapped like a week ago, but fuck it, that bitch can go through PTSD by her lonesome. They talk about how Alice is a good parent (honestly!) but a hopeless romantic, and Jess cites her failed engagement to Hank Patman as evidence of this. She and Jess talk about her love and passion for Ned. This is not a conversation I'd want to have with my mother. Alice tells Jess that even though she and Ned have been "pretty critical of your behaviour," they still love her. Overstatement of the millennium, right there, but sure thing. At least she admits that it's been a long time since she and Jess had a D&M. Or any actual conversation, even.
Later, the Scooby Gang (Jess, Liz, Todd and Sue) are waiting for Girl Sam to arrive. Jess finally tells us The Plan -- that she'll wear a wire to the cabin and coax a confession out of Jeremy. Wow. What an original plan. I don't see how anything could possibly go awry. Girl Sam arrives and tells her peeps that she's been doing some research on Jeremy and came up with donuts, and Liz is all, "Samesies with me and INFOMAX!" Liz, you and INFOMAX don't need to be the centre of everything, 'kay? Anyway, turns out Girl Sam did find something of interest (suck it, INFOMAX!) -- a three-year-old newspaper article about a guy named John Ryder who stole a small fortune from his new bride. They're all, "Same initials! It must be him!" even though there's no physical evidence or anything, not like before when they had a fucking photo of the guy and did nothing about it.
The next thing you know, Jess is riding shotgun in Jeremy's car, thinking about how Girl Sam and the others are no longer following them. Apparently, she couldn't keep up with Jeremy and his erratic driving. Shit, Girl Sam is so not Veronica Mars. Veronica Mars would have him tasered and taped to a flagpole by now using nothing but her inherent wit. (And her taser, I guess.) They get to the cabin, and Jeremy takes her inside so they can bang in front of the fireplace. You'd think if the dude was really desperate he'd just do her in the car on the many occasions they've been alone, but no. Even perverted supervillains wine and dine girls in Sweet Valley.
Meanwhile, the carful of dumbasses are in exactly as much trouble as you'd guess if you were a sane person. They manage to get into a car crash. God, I hope Todd changed his pants. They get bogged in the mud and have to push the car back on solid ground. I just...these people. Girl Sam is the worst private investigator ever. More like private investifailure, AMIRITE? *Crickets* God, now I'm the worst.
Back at the cabin (which is decorated all Christmas-like despite the fact that nobody lives there), Jessica manages to make Jeremy break out into a hysterically clichéd confession where he admits he's a con artists who marries women then steals their moolah. Then he goes off somewhere, and Jess worries about where Girl Sam and her trusty sidekicks are. She picks up some papers Jeremy has conveniently left on the table with his bank account details on them. Jeez, Jeremy. Invest in a filing cabinet. He comes back and sees Jess going through his stuff, and decides to attack her. She manages to get away, but in the struggle she hits her head on the coffee table and blacks out. Somehow, the Christmas tree topples over and catches fire. Jeremy's like, "Oh shit, the Christmas tree's on fire, unconscious Jessica! Well, I'm off. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya."
The back-up team seems to have managed to get their car back on the road, and they drive to the cabin only to find it fully ablaze. Liz marches right in there and nearly gets herself killed, as is to be expected when one walks into a burning building. Sue comes in behind her and helps her pull Jessica to safety. I like how it's Sue to the rescue and not Todd. Toddles is perfectly happy to just stand outside and watch some poor girl run into the fire. Thankfully, all's well that ends well. Jessica decides that now's a good time to regain consciousness, which is a tad selfish, but okay. She "leaned against Elizabeth and Todd, coughing and crying." Oh, so now Todd decides to be the hero? What a pussy.
Cut to the hospital, where Jessica is receiving treatment for bruises and smoke inhalation. No burns or anything, because ouchie! No permanent scar-inducing wounds, please. Although I think if anyone was going to pull a Kelly Taylor and recover from third-degree burns completely unmarked, it'd be Jess. Liz is in the waiting room doing what some would have done earlier -- telling her parents the whole Sue/Jeremy story. Ned responds by saying, "I just don't know what to think or feel." Offhand, Neddy? Some sort of fear or concern would be a nice step up. Maybe a little anger at being left out of the loop, I don't know. Instead, he goes on about how Sue's not the girl they thought she was. Nothing about how his children betrayed his trust and took the law into their own hands or anything. Noooo. Poor stupid Sue gets dumped on.
Girl Sam comes along and tells everyone that they found Jeremy Randall. He too fell victim to the icy roads and crashed his car, and he's on his way to the big house as they speak. Well heck, that was fortunate. Alice and Ned immediately confront Girl Sam about why she thought it was a good idea to use one of their sixteen-year-old daughters as sexual bait to trap a madman, and for good measure, they tell off Todd for being a terrible boyfriend letting Elizabeth organise all this shit.
Oh, wait.
No, they don't. They talk some more about Sue and how they forgive her. Then Liz and Jess have a heart-to-heart about love and boys, and Jess suggests that it's not too late to meet Ken at Bruce Patman's super awesome Mistletoe Madness dance. I really, truly cannot tell if she's joking. Oh well. This is where the book ends, unfortunately.