(no subject)
I'm going to Austin this weekend for inits. J was originally supposed to go one of his Persian cousin's houses during that time. He will supposedly come back on Sunday. My mom has known since last week that I would be going OOT this weekend and that I could not cancel. However, Tuesday night, when I was confirming plans with her, I said, "Okay, so he is going to S's house on Friday night, then we'll get him back on Sunday," she said "Yeah, I guess," in an ominous fashion. I am almost sure that she is going, at the last minute, insist that I cancel the trip to stay here with J.
My ace in the hole, though, is my sister L, who called Wednesday and told J that he can stay at her house if he needs to. This is a MUCH better plan for him, because L knows his exercises and can be counted on to do them... J's cousins cannot be counted on to do this.
I am not cancelling this trip.
The other issue is that I don't know how long she is expecting J to stay here. Initially she implied that it would be for a few days. We had already arranged that he would stay here sometimes during his physical therapy, because I live closer to the facility than mom does. But I strongly suspect she is going to try to make me keep him for a few weeks to a few months, and I just don't think I can do that. I am really alarmed by how much food she bought him, it looks like she expects him to stay for a long time.
- Our apartment is really too small for three people to live in.
- I really hate having all this meaty stuff in the fridge, but because J has been spoiled he insists on having "special food rather than eating what he is given.
- We can't afford to support him.
Also annoying me is this: she stupidly told J that she is going to buy a house somewhere and they are going to move, because of this incident. J hates where they live and has latched onto this idea. IMO, he should be smart enough by now to have realized that Mom often says things she does not mean. She lies frequently, and she frequently makes promises that she has no intention of keeping. So the other day she told J he had to stay at my house so she could "look for a house." But then when he brought up this theoretical new house later in conversation, she got all pissed off and started yelling at him. I told her to go have her fight somewhere else, upon which she insisted that she wasn't fighting. Right.
When I was a kid she did this same shit to me over and over. We lived in what was then a poor neighborhood, and is now a positively trashy one. I got picked on in school because of where we lived, and there was a time when I desperately wanted to move somewhere else so the picking would stop. My mom would sometimes say that she wanted to move somewhere, and sometimes even start looking at houses and saying that we were going to move. Like most kids would, I got excited about the idea of moving to a new house... new houses are exciting! And I would take her at her word and think we were moving, and therefore ask about it, talk about it, look forward to it... until it became clear that we weren't moving.
(A few years years ago, my mother called me up and started screaming at me over the phone, accusing me of being an "ungrateful little shit" and not caring about "everything she worked hard for", citing the fact that, when I was little, I wanted to move and got excited about moving. Hello? I thought she wanted to move too! And to be quite frank, it was never necessary that she work hard to hold onto that house- we would have been a lot better off if she hadn't, because it cost her an arm and a leg until she used her inheritance from her parents to pay it off. She could have worked less had we lived somewhere less expensive, but she was bound and determined to hold onto that house... which is now worth very, very little. And really, isn't it stupid to complain to me about this decades later? I mean, welcome to having children, asshole: they are ungrateful and they don't understand adult reality. WTF else is new?)
But moving is just one example of this stuff- throughout my life, she has constantly said she would do things that she then never does. It's an ongoing pattern and I learned long ago never to trust or rely on anything she says. She's just a liar and a shit-talker and that's all.
In order to avoid more fighting and BS, I sat down with J Wednesday evening and very gently pointed out to him that Mom often says things she doesn't mean, and has even, in his memory, often said they were going to move... and never did. I also pointed out to him that mom can't afford to buy a house right now. She does not make enough money, and she has no savings. So, I told him to lay off the talk about moving, because it is just going to piss her off. He needs to give it a rest. During this conversation, J revealed to me that mom took out a mortgage on the house some years ago & is still paying it off. He says used the money for living expenses, and that's probably true, but I also suspect that she used quite a lot of it on frivolous bullshit. I pointed out that this is all the more reason that she can't afford to buy a new house: she has a mortgage on the house (really, the land) she has now.
I don't know why this is, but J just refused to listen to any sense. He said stupid things: "The mortgage and electric bill on our house now together are as much as the mortgage on a new house would be," as though this proved that mom can afford a new house. I pointed out that if that's so, how will mom afford the bills on top of mortgage in a new house? She can't even sell her old one, the property value is very very low, probably less than her mortgage. Then he said, "But the market's getting really desperate right now, maybe she can sell it." I told him that the market is desperate right now for homeowners and sellers, not for buyers.
He really did not want to hear any sense, so I just told him to stop talking to mom about it, because it was just pissing her off, and to stop counting on moving. So what does he do when she calls tonight? HE FUCKING ASKS HER IF SHE LOOKED FOR A HOUSE TODAY! Argh. So of course she starts yelling into the phone.
WHY WHY WHY WILL HE NOT CATCH ON?
I know that mom doesn't want J back in the neighborhood, because a)she is afraid that those people might come after him again and b)she is afraid that he might go after those people. But realistically, J has to go home sometime. Maybe she will feel better when they have been arrested. But there are problems with that, too, which I think I'll put in a new post.
My ace in the hole, though, is my sister L, who called Wednesday and told J that he can stay at her house if he needs to. This is a MUCH better plan for him, because L knows his exercises and can be counted on to do them... J's cousins cannot be counted on to do this.
I am not cancelling this trip.
The other issue is that I don't know how long she is expecting J to stay here. Initially she implied that it would be for a few days. We had already arranged that he would stay here sometimes during his physical therapy, because I live closer to the facility than mom does. But I strongly suspect she is going to try to make me keep him for a few weeks to a few months, and I just don't think I can do that. I am really alarmed by how much food she bought him, it looks like she expects him to stay for a long time.
- Our apartment is really too small for three people to live in.
- I really hate having all this meaty stuff in the fridge, but because J has been spoiled he insists on having "special food rather than eating what he is given.
- We can't afford to support him.
Also annoying me is this: she stupidly told J that she is going to buy a house somewhere and they are going to move, because of this incident. J hates where they live and has latched onto this idea. IMO, he should be smart enough by now to have realized that Mom often says things she does not mean. She lies frequently, and she frequently makes promises that she has no intention of keeping. So the other day she told J he had to stay at my house so she could "look for a house." But then when he brought up this theoretical new house later in conversation, she got all pissed off and started yelling at him. I told her to go have her fight somewhere else, upon which she insisted that she wasn't fighting. Right.
When I was a kid she did this same shit to me over and over. We lived in what was then a poor neighborhood, and is now a positively trashy one. I got picked on in school because of where we lived, and there was a time when I desperately wanted to move somewhere else so the picking would stop. My mom would sometimes say that she wanted to move somewhere, and sometimes even start looking at houses and saying that we were going to move. Like most kids would, I got excited about the idea of moving to a new house... new houses are exciting! And I would take her at her word and think we were moving, and therefore ask about it, talk about it, look forward to it... until it became clear that we weren't moving.
(A few years years ago, my mother called me up and started screaming at me over the phone, accusing me of being an "ungrateful little shit" and not caring about "everything she worked hard for", citing the fact that, when I was little, I wanted to move and got excited about moving. Hello? I thought she wanted to move too! And to be quite frank, it was never necessary that she work hard to hold onto that house- we would have been a lot better off if she hadn't, because it cost her an arm and a leg until she used her inheritance from her parents to pay it off. She could have worked less had we lived somewhere less expensive, but she was bound and determined to hold onto that house... which is now worth very, very little. And really, isn't it stupid to complain to me about this decades later? I mean, welcome to having children, asshole: they are ungrateful and they don't understand adult reality. WTF else is new?)
But moving is just one example of this stuff- throughout my life, she has constantly said she would do things that she then never does. It's an ongoing pattern and I learned long ago never to trust or rely on anything she says. She's just a liar and a shit-talker and that's all.
In order to avoid more fighting and BS, I sat down with J Wednesday evening and very gently pointed out to him that Mom often says things she doesn't mean, and has even, in his memory, often said they were going to move... and never did. I also pointed out to him that mom can't afford to buy a house right now. She does not make enough money, and she has no savings. So, I told him to lay off the talk about moving, because it is just going to piss her off. He needs to give it a rest. During this conversation, J revealed to me that mom took out a mortgage on the house some years ago & is still paying it off. He says used the money for living expenses, and that's probably true, but I also suspect that she used quite a lot of it on frivolous bullshit. I pointed out that this is all the more reason that she can't afford to buy a new house: she has a mortgage on the house (really, the land) she has now.
I don't know why this is, but J just refused to listen to any sense. He said stupid things: "The mortgage and electric bill on our house now together are as much as the mortgage on a new house would be," as though this proved that mom can afford a new house. I pointed out that if that's so, how will mom afford the bills on top of mortgage in a new house? She can't even sell her old one, the property value is very very low, probably less than her mortgage. Then he said, "But the market's getting really desperate right now, maybe she can sell it." I told him that the market is desperate right now for homeowners and sellers, not for buyers.
He really did not want to hear any sense, so I just told him to stop talking to mom about it, because it was just pissing her off, and to stop counting on moving. So what does he do when she calls tonight? HE FUCKING ASKS HER IF SHE LOOKED FOR A HOUSE TODAY! Argh. So of course she starts yelling into the phone.
WHY WHY WHY WILL HE NOT CATCH ON?
I know that mom doesn't want J back in the neighborhood, because a)she is afraid that those people might come after him again and b)she is afraid that he might go after those people. But realistically, J has to go home sometime. Maybe she will feel better when they have been arrested. But there are problems with that, too, which I think I'll put in a new post.