Piggybacking off other people's erstwhile posts

[zingerella]

My Flist was on fire last week, and I'm only now getting a breather to post about it:

onceupon in a notable blaze blames the Romantics for encoding some truly messed up patterns of social interaction in western culture:

This ideal that REAL love is tragic, that REAL love is a huge and grand affair, that REAL love is somehow above the laws of social

Comments

[sabotabby]

I think that you and onceupon may run with different crowds than I do. I know few people, past the age of 20 or so, who believe in notions of grand Romantic love. It seems like a natural thing to believe in when one is a teenager, and part of the process of Growing Up is shedding those illusions. Those who don't fall into this pattern tend to be sheltered and/or stunted in some way (virginity fetishists spring to mind).

At the risk of deliberately missing the point, I also see problems in the Love As Work paradigm. I fell into a relationship with the Bad Ex in a fit of teenage passion, but as the years went on, that passion was sacrificed to compromise, negotiation, and trying to Talk It Through In Order To Build a Life Together-when I really should have stormed out the door.

[neonchameleon]

To confirm, I thought that Grand Romantic Love was something that you were supposed to believe in but no one actually did after the age of 12.

[zingerella]

I don't think that Work should be the defining paradigm. I feel that when there's more Work than Fun (for long periods of time*), you need to start thinking about why exactly you're staying with this person. I think, however, that the TwooWuv story ignores the constant communication and compromise and rewarding effort that goes into a functional relationship.

I tried to Work Things Through with my ex-husband for about two years longer than I should have. Next time, I won't.

Nothing is absolute. Relationships-as-work are one aspect of the functional relationship paradigm. Moments of sheer Disneyfied mind-blithering Wuv are another.

* Everyone, I think, has intensive relationship work weeks (times when you-the-couple are looking at Big Changes or dealing with Big Things, times when one party is just plain stressed outside the relationship and it affects the comfort-and-fun balance. My personal timeline looks at the comfort/work balance over an undefined, longer-than-a-week period of time, and when I can last remember feeling happy

[roadnotes]

"I'd learned that he could handle himself well in crises (how dashing), but not arrange his life in a way that made crises anything unusual (less dashing, but also less tiring(). He could orchestrate a Grand Gesture, but not clear the counter so that I could cook dinner. He always had enough money for new books, but never had enough money to pay the application fee for his immigration papers. He could spin stories and plans, but couldn't hold down a job."

Makes me think of my Dubious Ex, Paul. Paul could comfort me if I woke up screaming and abreacting in nightmares, but couldn't do the laundry or the dishes regularly; he could save the day, but not take out the trash... Hero. Not Good Consistent Guy.

I like the idea of a Hero, and Romance, but I've decided that if I can't have it with Good Consistent Guy/Gay, I don't want it. Fortunately, I've got a Good Consistent Guy, who can be a Hero if needed.