"Maybe" Does Not Mean "No, but I Still Love You"

[zingerella]

I have decided, as of today, that I hate the "Maybe" option on Facebook's Events feature. I think it enables rudeness.

For those unfamiliar with Facebook, here's how it works:

Comments

[chickenfeet2003]

The Facebook thing is a bit of a conumdrum. I totally take your point when the 'event' in question is a party or dinner or something with a modest number of expected participants and implications for the host if numbers change drastically. (I could rant here about a certain pre Christmas gathering at the Kitten Kondo but I shall forbear). But Facebook is also used for big 'events' like the Zombie Walk or Santarchy. In those cases I rather like the 'maybe' option as it gives me an idea of who might be going which, in turn likely influences what I'm going to do myself. But, yes, bottom line Facebook does not trump basic courtesy.

[human_loser]

Yeah, but even large-event-wise (which are the events I tend to create), Maybe can pretty much be read as The Coward's No.

I mean I'm dealing in the main with theatre people who are sort of epically fickle and self-absorbed...perhaps it's a litle different for real people....

[zingerella]

I view the distinction as between a personal invitation, where I'm pretty sure the host is inviting me, personally, and a general invitation: from a sponsoring organization to all of Facebook. Yeah, there are in-betweens, and one has to use one's judgement as to whether a "maybe" is going to mess with someone's planning, but overall, my resolution is to give a clear yes or no to personal invitations.

And yeah, erm, sorry about the pre-Christmas gathering *shameface*. I got overwhelmed.

[chickenfeet2003]

Please don't think I was getting on your case about the Christmas do. I wasn't.

[human_loser]

A-fucking-MEN!

There is nothing I more sorely wish you could disable on Facebook than the "maybe" button.

[shiny_gal]

I would just like to add that another courtesy not to be dispensed with is that of notifying your host should your plans change. *grumble grumble*

I have used the maybe occaisionally, but I do try to be definite on an rsvp.

[zingerella]

Oh yes. Even if something comes up when you're on your way out the door!

We're all human, and I think we all understand that sometimes things just happen -- transportation goes awry, parents phone with bad news (or just phone), horrible stomach cramps happen, whatever. In most cases, a phone call or text message or something alleviates the host's concern, and lets them know it's okay to eat your dessert.

It seems strange to me that when we have so many methods available to us to communicate instantly, we become more reluctant to use them when courtesy demands we do.

[crystal_diva]

Thank you for this. I know that I frequently hit "Maybe" thinking I am pretty sure I will make it, but for me, I feel bad saying I'll come and then changing my mind. But you are totally right...it is far more courteous saying you will come and then changing your response than it is to leave people in limbo.

So I must apologize as I am 99% sure I did this for your housewarming with the above mentality.

[zingerella]

Oh, I'm not trawling for apologies! I do understand why people do it -- as I said, I've hit the maybe option a few times myself. I just gave it some thought, lately, and decided that the maybe button was enabling some pretty inconsiderate behaviour on my part.

I generally assume my friends mean well, and try not to take offense easily!

[crystal_diva]

Oh, I know... :-) but I thought it was the least I could do. And you know, I think at one point I actually agreed with you, because I use Evite and it allows the same option. I just lost sight of that someplace.

For me, I more do it when someone plans a part for 3 months in advance (like you and I did for the holidays - not like we had a choice ;-)) and I am planning to come but something gets in the way. The internet has allowed for the disintegration of basic manners!

[blairette]

I reckon 'Maybe Attending" is fine as long as the guest posts some kind of reason why their attendance might be in doubt. The usual reason, for me, is that as I work weeknights, if the event date is uncertain there's a chance I'll have to be at work instead.
In New Zealand, 'maybe' or even an unspecific 'yes' usually means 'no' whereas in Germany, 'maybe' usually means 'yes'. Unless people reply asking me what to bring to a party I assume they won't show. On the upside, party guests always seem to bring their own food and drink, so catering isn't usually an issue if too many people turn up. But I assume the Kiwi approach to socialising must infuriate the heck out of anyone who grew up with the European way of making dates.

[zingerella]

I think it's silly to ask people to commit to an uncertain date. So, yes, if a date is uncertain, of course a commitment to attend will be uncertain.

That's interesting about the cultural differences. I don't think I'd say "yes," when I meant "no" -- that just seems like a recipe for ill-feeling.

And, for me, the catering question depends on the type of party. If I've offered to make dinner for friends, they usually bring something, but I may still plan a dish based on an estimated number of servings, if I have relatively firm numbers. I'll generally make one or two extras, but if all five of the "maybes" show up, that throws things off. If it's a pot-luck or a nibblies-and-drinks type party, though, precise numbers are less important.