The Holidays Laden With Hope and Expectation

[zingerella]

Re-posted and slightly edited from the comments to a locked post on someone else's LJ, mostly for my own remembering:

I determined a long time ago -- I think sometime in or perhaps just after university -- that any holiday that people think is somehow special simply by virtue of being marked on the calendar is very likely to cause stress and

Comments

[mycrazyhair]

(((hugs)))

Hope things go as well as they can.

I'm slowly but surely coming to tolerate the holidays again. For me, it seems to be a result of negotiating new rituals with my family. For instance, last night my mom and dad and brother and some friends sat around and talked while I decorated the tree.

Decorating the tree gave me something official to be doing, so I didn't have to talk. Having friends there ensured that my dad was wearing his "company manners". And I was too. That helped a lot!

Anyway, I know that' no help for you for this year, but just a thought for next. Buffers are always helpful for modifying dynamics, and can also be useful for playing with expectations.

Take care, you.

(((hugs)))

[shiny_gal]

That is so very eloquent, and I feel that about the big two holidays. I haven't spent those with my family in a couple of years due to anxiety and lingering bad memories.

Even if everyone can get along, there's an expectation surrounding the holidays that people SHOULD be with family, and it completely disregards the possibility that the family may have little in common and may not like each other, which leads to one kind of unpleasantness or another. Sigh.

Big hugs! I hope you have the best possible time, and that you get to debrief with friends shortly thereafter.

[trias_cube]

I agree - I've felt that too in our holidays or other special days (such as birthdays); people in my family desperately try to have a happy day but it doesn't work out that way.

[torontoteacher]

*hugs*

I can come and breathe on you if you'd really like. But I don't think it will really help. I agree with mycrazyhair on the buffer people, I call them children. ;-)

You can do this, and if you need to withdraw, well then - I've seen you manage many awkward situations with diplomacy and grace. You will manage it just fine (read: without yelling, stamping of feet or throwing of foods).

Try to find something you like, even if it's the delicious food you make and bring yourself.

[zingerella]

*hugs*

I rarely yell or stamp feet or slam doors. I'm not really worried about my behaviour. I'm not worried, per se, about the various dinners; I've resigned myself to the fact that they will be dull and artificial, that at my dad's I'll be Not Mentioning his DUI while trying to look as though I enjoy my stepmonster's cooking, while at my mom's I'll be bored, but at least the cooking will be good.

The trick for me is managing my expectations. It's just a day on the calendar. There's nothing special about it, save what we bring to it -- like any other day, but with more logistics and cookies. My family will still be broken, and I will still be weird to them. We're still bound by history, and love, and over 30 years of trying to understand and care for each other, with varying degrees of success.

It's family, yo.

I do think things would be much more entertaining if we had any small children in my immediate family. I must do something about that.

[mycrazyhair]

like any other day, but with more logistics and cookies.

*smooch*

You are fantastic. Take care, you.

[ginny_t]

The crushing disappointment every time I saw the truth behind the glamour, be it family joy or peace on earth or whatever, is a very big reason I'm not big on Christmas/the holiday season. I could've got over the other things, but not that. :(

Managing expectations is good. Unfortunately, we can't manage others' expectations. My mom still tries and is always disappointed, and I always feel it's my fault. Oh, yay. Good luck with the day! (I'll be getting through it with sticks and string and leaves soaked in hot water.)