We Dance To the Sound of Sirens, Chapter Thirty-Nine
Title: We Dance To the Sound of Sirens, Chapter Thirty-Nine
Fandom: Adam Lambert
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Rating: PG-13
Author: i_amthecosmos
Word Count: 7,375
Warnings: Talk of substance abuse and eating disorders, violence.
Summary: Tommy’s dad is back, but Tommy doesn’t want to hear what he has to say.
Disclaimer: None of this is true, and I make no profit from it. Please don’t Tweet this to anyone portrayed, thank you.
Notes: This was kind of tough to write, since Tommy is in a hospital bed for most of it. Thanks to fasciculations for the medical-pick, and thanks to everyone who reads this and helps me with it. We’re nearing the end now, thanks for sticking with it.
Tommy watched as Adam stared, his face getting redder the longer he glared at the man that was Tommy’s father. “You…” he said. “You son of a bitch.” Thomas the Second didn’t even look surprised, just sort of mildly offended. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done to him?” Adam took a step forward and Tommy grabbed his hand. He knew that Adam wasn’t a violent person but it looked like he was about to change all that. Adam relaxed at Tommy’s touch, but he didn’t stop glaring at his dad.
“Tommy,” he said, ignoring Adam. “I want us to talk in private. I know it’s been a long time-“
“Yeah, been three years since you said a word to me-hell, maybe more.” Tommy squeezed Adam’s hand and he squeezed back. “Adam’s staying. He’s not going anywhere. Now, why the hell are you even here? Because I know you don’t care about me, this is my second visit to the hospital since September.”
Tommy watched his dad’s eyes flicker to the entwined fingers of him and Adam, but then they settled back on his face. “I don’t want your…friend to influence you on this, Tommy. It’s very important.” Thomas the Second took a deep breath then, and Tommy thought Wow, the bastard’s actually nervous before his dad continued. “I just need a minute.”
“You’ve never needed a goddamn thing from me before,” Tommy said, and he looked over at Adam. “Stay outside the door, if I yell for you come in.” Adam tried to interrupt but Tommy shook his head. “Look, he’s acting weird and I at least want to see what the big deal is. Don’t worry about me. Okay, see you soon.” He caught Adam’s eye just before Adam bent down, kissing Tommy hard and with tongue. It hurt his jaw, but he was really glad that Adam had done that right in front of the old fucker. When Adam left, Tommy smirked a little. “Okay, now what?”
“If you think that flaunting that boy is going to make me go away Tommy…”
“No, you never went away because of something I did,” Tommy said, glaring. “You went because of something you did. I didn’t have any say in that.” Tommy watched his dad try not to squirm under his stare. “Well?” he said. He wanted the bastard to hurry up-his head was starting to throb and he didn’t need this shit right now.
“I keep in touch with you through Roger,” Thomas the Second said. Tommy shrugged-he knew that. Roger was the guy who handled the trust fund and financial things for him. He figured that every time he bought a Whopper, Roger let his dad know. “And he told me about the first hospital visit, and then he called me about this one.”
“Thanks for the sympathy cards, then.” Tommy didn’t even know he was this bitter about his father never talking to him. Well, actually he did know, but the fact that he was letting his dad see it was a big deal. “You know, I don’t want to hear it, whatever it is. Just…fuck off. Why should I listen to anything you say?” His father tried to speak again and Tommy cut him off. “Get out. And I know I’m a minor and you don’t have to listen to me. But I don’t want you here. Go.”
His dad paused, looking at Tommy’s face, and Tommy saw him sag. Ha, I win, he thought, but there wasn’t any real joy in it. It was hard to care about winning when someone didn’t even seem to want to fight. “I’m coming back tomorrow,” Thomas said. “It really is important.”
“If it’s about my trust fund, I don’t give a shit,” Tommy said suddenly. “I don’t, I’ve got friends and people that help me. I don’t need it.” His dad turned around then, and Tommy saw that had hit a nerve.
“People like the boy who beat you? Who could have beaten you to death? Tommy, I know you hate me, but I don’t want you to die, do you understand that? I came because I wanted to help.” Tommy looked at him again and son of a fucking bitch, the fucker was actually showing emotion. He looked honestly upset. Tommy cleared his throat, trying to will his voice not to break.
“I should’ve known it would take nearly dying to get your attention,” he said softly. “It could’ve happened a lot sooner than this. Now go.” He almost said I’ll see you tomorrow, but he shut that thought down in fury. How dare he want to give in so easily. His dad gave him a long look, and then quietly walked out. Adam was standing at the door, still glaring when Thomas the Second left.
“That fucker,” Adam hissed as he looked Tommy over. “Are you okay? That fucking bastard, why did he come here? Adam kissed his cheek, near the bruise on his jaw. “I wanted to beat him, Tommy. I wanted to hit him and not stop.”
“I know,” Tommy said, and he winced at the pain in his head. “He’s….I don’t know what he wants, but I think he means it. Whatever it is, he means it.” Tommy looked at Adam. “He’s coming back tomorrow, I don’t know if I can handle it. I need you to visit a lot. And...tell Cassidy. Tell him about my dad, and that I’m okay. And to visit me, I might need to see him too.”
“Why are you letting him come back?” Adam said, and Tommy didn’t know how to answer. He could say that he couldn’t stop him, and that was legally true. But there was something else, and Tommy didn’t want to think about it too much. He didn’t want to know what he was feeling about his dad. He just held Adam’s hand, hoping the contact would drive away the cravings he felt right then.
“How are you doing? Are you okay?” This seemed like a great time for Tommy to put the focus on Adam. “Are you eating okay? Just…there’s not much I can do to help here, so I need to know.”
“I’m okay, I’m trying to be okay,” Adam said, nodding. “My dad’s helping me, our friends are being great. Lisa’s been coming over and keeping me company. Everyone’s been awesome.” Adam sighed. “But I cried like crazy when I found out. I’ve been really scared that something like that would happen and I wouldn’t be able to do anything. And it did.”
“I’m okay. Cassidy saved my ass.” Tommy smiled. “And I’ll heal from the concussion soon. I’m just gonna be bored and weak from all these IV’s.” Adam smiled back, and Tommy caught the barest hint of him about to move in, before a nurse came through the door to check in on him. Adam let go of Tommy’s hand right away, but she ignored Adam as she got his blood pressure and checked his IV’s, and then left. “Man, they don’t like you much.”
“Some are okay,” Tommy said. “Go talk to Cassidy though. I don’t want to be alone with him again.” It was too weird, he wanted to say, but he kept that to himself. Then there was a knock on the door and the rest of the Lamberts came in with a plant, and Tommy stopped thinking about his father.
The next day, Tommy had a lot of visitors, including Adam, Anoop (who brought his homework), his Oma. When his father came back, Paul and Cassidy were there. Paul’s face went red when he saw him, and he stood up, hands balled into fists.
“You’ve got a lot of nerve, Mr. Ratliff,” he said. “Whatever you want from Tommy, I don’t think he wants any part of it.” Tommy looked at Paul-he had never seen him that angry. It was nice, but it was weird too, and he didn’t know why.
“Mr. Harrington,” Cassidy said from where he was standing near the corner. “I don’t think you should speak for Tommy.” Tommy sighed-that was what had felt weird about it. He’d liked it in a way, that someone cared that much, but it wasn’t quite right. “Tommy has to do this,” and Tommy nodded. He had no idea what ‘this’ was going to be, but Cassidy was right. Paul looked at the two of them, and squeezed Tommy’s shoulder before he left the room. “Do you want me to stay?” Cassidy said. “I can leave.”
Tommy shook his head. “No. Stay please.” Tommy indicated Cassidy with his head to his father. “This is Cassidy. He’s my therapist. He’s my friend too, and he’s the one who ran up and pulled Mutt off me. He’s staying, and you can thank him for saving me anytime you like. And oh, that was Paul Tucker-Harrington. I stay at his house now. He’s a better goddamn father to me than you ever were.” Part of Tommy’s brain reeled at what he’d just said. He had called Paul his father for the first time, and it was mostly just to piss his dad off. That was kind of sad, but he didn’t have the time to feel guilty.
His dad didn’t react to anything that Tommy said, which was fucking disappointing. He did look Cassidy over, taking in the Ministry t-shirt and black leather boots. He nodded at Cassidy, but didn’t say anything. Cassidy just looked back at him, calm and steady. Tommy should have known the bastard wouldn’t thank a freak like Cassidy-he probably blamed him for Tommy’s being gay. Finally, he looked at Tommy. “Will you listen to me now?” And again, he sounded sincere enough to make some part of Tommy respond to him. He did his best not to let it show.
“I don’t know. Try,” he said, and Cassidy moved closer. “It has to be something you want, I can’t think of anything else.”
“I told you yesterday, Tommy. What I want is for you not to die.” Thomas’s voice was sharp, but he seemed more frustrated than mad. “I’ve talked to…people.” Tommy knew who that meant-the police chief, the guy who probably helped him get off with no jail time, like the mayor. Tommy felt so much helpless anger he almost missed the rest. “…And those boys aren’t the only ones looking for you. Tommy, you could be killed. You need to leave town, as soon as you get out.”
What? Tommy shook his head. He couldn’t believe that fucker had even said that. “I’m not fucking living with you.” Tommy glared again and his head throbbed again, hurting from the stress. “Get that idea out of your head.” Inside his head, he felt a dull sadness-people wanted him dead. And all for nothing much, they just wanted him dead. He believed that part, he knew that some people wanted to kill for less. But it didn’t do anything to make it stop hurting.
“Not with me. I know you won’t say yes to that,” Thomas the Second said. “But, I have a beach house. It’s an hour from here, and you could stay there. I’ll get you a tutor if you still want to finish school, and you can be safe. It would probably be the best decision-“
“I’m not leaving,” Tommy said immediately. “I won’t go, fuck you, I’ll think of something else first.” He had to squeeze his eyes shut while another lightning bolt of pain hit between his eyes. “Ow. I have to rest. I’ve got a concussion, just go.” His dad tried to press his case and Tommy didn’t even think about it-he grabbed a pillow from under his head and threw it at him. It was worth the pain jostling his head caused as he watched his dad jump to the side, looking shocked. “Will you just leave! Stop trying to make me do stuff! You have no right!” He was yelling so loud his head felt like his head would split in two. Sure enough, a doctor and two nurses came in to see what the commotion was. Tommy couldn’t hold it in any longer and he started to cry. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Not in front of him, he thought. But he couldn’t stop it.
The doctor came next to his bed now, talking softly to try to calm him, and his dad looked at everyone in the room, and then put his hands in his pockets and walked toward the door. “Tommy…” he started, but he walked out then. That was good, Tommy was in no mood to hear an ‘I’m sorry’ from that asshole. Then his stomach heaved, and Cassidy grabbed the puke bucket just in time.
Later, after Tommy had rested and everyone except his Oma had left, Tommy let himself think about it. He could just see it-a nice big house that was pretty on the outside, but as cold and lonely as the house his parent’s owned here. It would have a nice view of the ocean and nothing else that Tommy would want. And he would be alone. He’d tried so hard, and he couldn’t be alone again. Fuck his dad. He could disappear without leaving the city, he’d done it before. He could cover his tracks and fade away.
But…if people wanted to beat him up or kill him, they wouldn’t stop as long as he was in town. He couldn’t let his friends worry any more than they already were. He could’ve been hurt a lot more seriously than this. People know where I go to school, they might know I’m living with Lisa. Tommy sighed out loud, and tried to get comfortable. His head was starting to feel better, but it was hard to sleep.
I have no fucking idea what I’m gonna do,, he thought, and looked over at his Oma, asleep in her chair. The damned hospital finally relented on her staying over after his fucking father gave them the go-ahead. Tommy closed his eyes just as a nurse came in to check on him. “That’s your grandma, right? They said she wasn’t at first.” Tommy opened his eyes to look at the nurse, who was kind, he liked her, and he nodded.
“She’s the only grandmother I’ve ever had,” he said, and the nurse smiled at him, patting his shoulder. Some people understand, Tommy thought as he drifted into sleep.
The next day, he got a doctor-a resident, since his regular doctor was having Thanksgiving like a normal fucking person- to talk to him alone, all the nurses and his friends barred for the time being. “Doc, I need to ask you something.” He took a deep breath. “Can I get an HIV test here?” The doctor paused a long moment, and then stared at his chart like it would give him the right thing to say.
“Yes,” he finally said. “But do you feel you need one?” Tommy was irritated-he’d asked, didn’t he? “I mean, are you having any symptoms that predate getting the staph infection? Did you get a lot of infections before?”
“None that couldn’t be explained,” Tommy said, sitting up. His concussion was gone now, and he could sit up easily. “It’s for my peace of mind more than anything. Look,” he said, looking straight at the doctor. “I was a drunk until about a month ago, and I have no idea some of the stuff I’ve done. So please, get me a test. But…do you have to tell the nurses? Some of them already don’t like me.” It was true-despite the good ones, there was one or two bitchy RN’s still around.
“It’s going to be on your medical record, Tommy. Everyone will need to see it. We can’t keep secrets from employees like that. I’m sorry, I understand.” Tommy knew he wasn’t just saying it either, and he was suddenly glad that he was talking to a young resident, someone who might not judge him as much as an older doctor. “But I can arrange for the blood drawing to be done today. It will take three weeks to get the results in. And I recommend taking it several times, because sometimes it comes up with false positives. All right?”
“Sure, do it now. And thanks,” Tommy said, and he waited. A nurse came in with gloves on, and she drew his blood, both of them silent. When she left, Tommy stared at the ceiling a long time. When Adam came in later, he just scooted over closer. They hadn’t touched since Tommy’s the first day Adam came to visit, because Tommy was afraid the hospital would come up with some bullshit reason for Adam to lose visitation rights. So he would just move closer, and if anyone noticed they kept their fuckin’ mouths shut. After a while, Tommy said “I’m taking the test, they’re gonna send the blood off". Then he laughed, one short sound. “I can’t believe it. It’s a Thanksgiving I’d actually want to celebrate and I can’t.”
“Oh,” Adam said, and he looked at his shoes. “Um. I’m glad you’re taking it, and yeah, happy Thanksgiving. I can’t stay long, I’m sorry.”
“My dad thinks I should leave,” he said. And then he thought Oh fuck, because he wasn’t ready to bring that up yet. That got Adam’s eyes on his face, staring in horror as Tommy kept going. “Adam…has anyone threatened you? Are you okay? Because my dad says people are looking for me, but they don’t know about you, I don’t think. But they’d know Lisa and Jenny, and maybe I should go, I don’t know. Adam, I can’t let anyone get hurt.”
“But…you can’t go,” Adam said. “No, you can’t-I can’t believe you’re thinking about it. I know you don’t wanna get hurt, but how can you trust him? Maybe he’s just after your money. You can’t go, I can’t let you. Why are you listening to him? Oh god, don’t go. Please don’t go. And no, I haven’t been hurt.” Adam wiped his eyes and Tommy felt guilty-he knew this would hurt Adam. It hurt him to even think about it, so seeing Adam cry was making it worse.
“I don’t know. It makes sense that people would still be looking for me. But I don’t know. And I wouldn’t be staying with him, just at one of his houses. But he wouldn’t have to get me to leave to get my trust fund-he could just cut me off. So that doesn’t make sense. I’m not saying he doesn’t want it,” Tommy said, fidgeting with the covers. He needed a cigarette so bad now. “We know he’s a greedy son of a bitch.”
“Tommy,” a voice said, and they both jumped. Tommy’s dad was in the doorway, and of course he’d heard everything. “I need to talk to you again. Your friend can stay if you want him too.” Thomas came in like he was fully expecting to be hit with another pillow.
“Gee thanks dad, that’s so nice of you. By the way, his name is Adam.” Tommy sat up. “And yeah, I want him to stay. What is it now?”
“I can see why you think that,” his dad said, looking down. “I was greedy, and I deserved that. But I’m not after your money-I want you to have it. I know you’ll probably never believe me, but I’m not that person anymore.” Thomas looked at him and Tommy had to try not to laugh.
“You’re right, I don’t believe you. You screwed over the lives of tons of people and fired the father of a friend of mine, and I’m supposed to think it’s okay now.” Tommy looked at Adam. “Is Anoop out there? Get him if he is.” Tommy turned back to his dad as Adam left. “I don’t know why the fuck you expect me to even entertain that thought.”
“You changed,” was all his father got out, before Anoop appeared in the doorway. He stood there aloof and disdainful looking and Thomas stared at him, as if Anoop reminded him of someone.
Anoop slapped on a big fake smile and stepped forward. “Hi. I’m Anoop Desai, and you remember my father. You fired him for no reason, and he was unemployed for six months. We lived off my mom’s salary and he got a better job, so you didn’t ruin our lives. I’m sorry if that disappoints you.” Anoop let the smile drop then and continued. “But what you did to Tommy…you almost did ruin his life. I can’t even believe he lets you in the room. I wouldn’t.” Anoop turned to Tommy. “You’re more forgiving than me, Tommy Joe. Hey, your Oma’s bringing Thanksgiving food soon. That’s why I’m here. We’ll be back with it when he’s gone.” He glared at Thomas again.
“I haven’t forgiven him,” Tommy said. “I’m just letting him talk. And tell her it’ll just be a minute.” Tommy wouldn’t go so far as to say he was listening. Anoop looked at the two of them and walked out, waving to Tommy. Tommy looked at his dad. “I don’t want to leave my friends. I finally got my life together and I’m not leaving now.”
Thomas was flustered, obviously not over his meeting with Anoop. “You know the Desais and you live with Harrington. How did you make friends with everyone who was against me? I heard you never told anyone who you were.” Tommy glared at him, and he started to backtrack. “I mean, they should have been, but-“
“Hell yes they should have and I don’t know. Maybe I just got lucky. And yeah, I didn’t say anything until I met the friends I have now. I never told those punk fucks anything.” Tommy looked down and sighed. “Don’t get me upset, dad, I don’t want to get sick again.” He paused and looked at the window even though the shades were still closed. “I can’t leave. I know you won’t understand that, but I can’t. And not just because of Adam either.”
“If you stay here, you might die,” his dad said, and Tommy could see the old anger, the coldness that he always associated with his father. If Thomas had changed, he sure as hell didn’t look like it now. Tommy suddenly remembered all the times his dad would just stride out of the house, leaving him alone with an angry mother. It made him want to get out of the bed and punch him. Thomas kept talking, not noticing or ignoring Tommy’s fury. “I don’t think you’re taking this as seriously as you should. I understand you’ve been in a lot of fights, but-“
“Oh, I do understand,” Tommy said, trying to stare him down. “I believe you when you say that. But you don’t understand. If I stay here, they might kill me. But if I leave my new friends, I’ll die. I mean it, I can’t be alone. You want me to live in a fucking house alone with a tutor coming to see me? This is your solution?” Tommy could feel his face getting hot and his stomach tensing as his anger started to spill out. “I don’t care if it’s just an hour away, I can’t just sit there and wait for the weekend to see everyone.” He took a deep breath. “If I’m alone that long…I’ll start drinking again dad. I promise I will.”
Thomas got very quiet, and Tommy laughed then, one bitter sound. “Don’t act surprised. I can’t leave, my AA meeting and my therapist are here too, and not just my friends.” He couldn’t figure out what his dad was thinking-the expression on his face wasn’t one he’d ever seen before. It was sympathetic, and it didn’t fit on his dad. Tommy was so busy staring at Thomas’s face that he didn’t notice the fact that he was rummaging through his pockets until he came up with a chip. He held it in front of Tommy’s face, and he could read the letters ‘CA’ on the front.
“Cocaine Anonymous,” his dad said. “So don’t say I don’t understand.” He straightened back up, and put the coin back. “After I left I started to try to get better. But you’ve started here, and you think it’s working?” Tommy nodded, too shocked to do anything else. “I can see why you don’t want to leave. But…it’s only an hour away. Maybe it won’t be that far. And you can go to meetings anywhere. Just…think about it.” His dad turned toward the door, and then looked back. “This is what I meant when I said I’m not that person anymore.”
“It doesn’t explain everything,” Tommy said. He felt weird arguing with his dad, since he did understand what cravings and the whole thing were like. It changed things, it made his dad more human and he didn’t like it. “And I kind of hate AA, I’d rather see Cassidy. But anyway, how long? You’ve been clean how long? Because it’s been three years since you’ve seen me. Did you just clean up last fucking month or what?”
Thomas looked over at Tommy for a long moment, then dropped his eyes. “Around last year. I started getting treatment a year and a half ago, but it finally stuck a year ago.” Tommy closed his eyes-that long. He guessed old Thomas was just waiting for a major event to let him know about it.
“Oh,” was all he could think to say. He was silent for a long time, as Thomas waited for a reaction. Tommy couldn’t think of one, everything he wanted to say about Thomas still being a stranger to him frozen in his throat. Finally he cleared it, and looked at him. “Tell Brigitte that she can come in now. Let her know on your way out.” He turned over then, not facing his dad, and winced when he heard the door shut. A couple of tears trickled out of his eyes, but not enough to really count. His dad couldn’t make him cry, not today. He wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.
The rest of the day went okay, with his Oma bringing in too much food and friends coming in and out, in between their own holiday celebrations. Tommy was grateful for it, still amazed that his friends would come and spend time with him. Megan came and kissed his cheek, and when she heard about his dad she yelled “Goddamn motherfucking son of a bitch!” Tommy laughed so long he started coughing.
“And that’s why I love you, Meg,” he said, and she and Anoop both laughed.
When Lisa came in a bit later, she brought a radio and some mix tapes that she’d made for him. “I got your headphones, I don’t know how you’ve gone this long without anything to listen to. That’s gotta be driving you crazy.” Tommy shrugged-it’s not as if he could listen to very much with a fucking concussion. “Anyway, I brought you some of dad’s soup. He thought you might want some.”
“Oh fuck yes please,” he said, taking the still-warm Tupperware bowl of potato soup from her. “I’ve eaten like a pig today, but it doesn’t matter. I love this so much.” He ate a spoonful, and then he looked over at Adam, who had come back. He felt a little guilty about gushing over the soup when Adam couldn’t eat in front of anyone, but Adam just smiled. Lisa hugged Adam hard, and then left the room.
“Hey,” Tommy said. “Did it go okay?” Adam shrugged. “Was it bad?”
“About what I expected,” he said. “I ate about three bites of everything. That’s what the OA people encouraged me to do, since it was my family. So I at least got some of my grandmother’s cooking. That was good-I hated not eating it in front of her before.” He said next to Tommy, pushing his chair up. “I think I’m okay, at least for now,” he said. “I don’t feel like it’s that bad, even though…it’s hard with you in here. I’m doing better than I thought.” He looked at the soup and Tommy handed it over. Adam had a couple of spoonfuls and handed it back. “Wow, that is good.”
“It is,” Tommy said. “I’m proud of you,” Adam shook his head, not wanting to accept the compliment, but Tommy meant every word. “You’re amazing and I love you. And if anything happens…” he hated bringing it up, but he had to. “You keep in touch with me.” He started shaking even thinking about being separated from Adam. “I mean it, I don’t want to lose you. Visit me, call me…”
“Shut up, shut up,” Adam said, his eyes tearing up just from Tommy mentioning it. “I don’t want to talk about it, because it’s not going to happen. You’re staying here, you have to. We had just started to figure things out, and now this happens. I won’t be able to handle it if you go. You know it won’t be right if you leave. You might start again, and I know I’ll get worse.” Tommy felt a dull ache-he knew how true it was.
And he didn’t want to bring it up, but he knew how much they leaned on each other. We still haven’t learned how to take care of our shit on our own, he thought. I don’t know if we can. He just squeezed Adam’s hand quickly and he wondered if Adam was thinking the same thing.
The rest of Adam’s visit was silent.
The next day, Tommy got to go to the outdoor patio, IV trailing behind him. He lit the first cigarette with his hands nearly shaking-he’d been craving it so much. The patio was nice, but he was too focused on smoking to really pay attention. Paul was with him-he had brought the pack for him and Tommy knew then that Paul loved him. He couldn’t stand smoking, but he brought them anyway. Tommy smoked three as he told Paul everything. “I don’t know, Paul. I still think he’s up to something. He’s never paid a goddamn bit of attention to me. And if he’s kept up, he knows I’ve been hurt before.” Tommy thought about that for a second. “Or maybe he didn’t know, I never went to the hospital for a lot of shit that happened to me.” He thought about the scar on his stomach and how he’d just bandaged it and kept going.
“Maybe he feels bad now,” Paul said. “But I don’t blame you. If what he says is true, you might have to leave. But not with his help if you don’t want it. I could help you.” Tommy looked over, eyes wide, as Paul continued. “I don’t have a beach house, but I have relatives and friends who could put you up. That way you won’t have to owe him anything, and we’d know where you are.”
“I-thanks,” Tommy said. “I didn’t expect that. Thank you.” He took another drag off his cigarette, and breathed out. “I really don’t know what to say.” He felt an overwhelming sense of love and some disbelief. It was nothing like his father offering him his fucking beach house. He felt like Paul really meant it, more than his dad. “I might do that, I don’t know. I know Lisa could come over more.” Paul nodded , and Tommy knew that Lisa would come over no matter where he was.
He ground out another cigarette and got back to the subject of his father. “I just don’t understand-I think he thinks because he’s stopped doing coke-which I didn’t even know about-that I should just forgive him. Like we can be fuckin’ buddies or something. It doesn’t excuse what he did.” Tommy paused. “But...I’m not sure that I still hate him. Maybe not as much. I don’t know, it’s too confusing.”
“it’s okay,” Paul said, but there was a kind of sadness in it. “I know you always wanted your parents to accept you, and maybe he’s trying now.” Paul couldn’t look at him as he said it, and Tommy felt a crash in his stomach. Paul didn’t want him to leave.
“Paul-I’m not going to-hey.” He wanted Paul to look at him. “It’s okay, really. I don’t-I’ll always see you. If I go, then I’m sorry. But it won’t be my decision, it’ll be because I have to.” Paul smiled at him, and Tommy smiled back. “So don’t think you’re fuckin’ getting rid of me that easily.” They both laughed, and Tommy finished his cigarette. “I’m tired. I need to go back to my room.”
“I’ll walk with you,” Paul said as they stood up.
Adam came by later with some of the chocolate-covered potato chips he’d given him the first time Tommy had been in the hospital. “Oh, thank you,” Tommy said, touched by the gesture. Tommy was back in bed, even though he could move around. He wasn’t staph-sick anymore, but the medication slowed him down. “It’s sweet that you remembered that. And anyway,” he said with a grin, “I’m sick of Jell-O.”
“I bet you are,” Adam said, and he sat down. His smiled looked strained and Tommy knew what was coming next. “I miss you,” he said. “I’m…not doing so well today. I mean…I had three bags of those originally.” He looked down, and Tommy could see the shame. “I’m scared you’re really going to leave, and I don’t know if I can make it without you.” He reached out and gently stroked Tommy’s hand before pulling it away.
“I don’t know if I can make it either,” Tommy said. “Paul offered me a place to stay, and I might take that instead. But only if I have to, I really don’t want to go. I love you, I finally got…” Tommy had to stop a minute and breathe. “I finally got what I wanted, people who really care about me, and I guess it was too late. I’m so sorry this is happening.”
“You-it’s not really your fault.” Tommy opened his mouth to argue that it was all his fault, that if he hadn’t been a self-destructive fucker none of this would have happened, but Adam kept going. “I honestly think you didn’t know what else to do. Maybe you could’ve done things differently, but your parents…” Adam trailed off. “They didn’t love you. I know your Oma did, but still. I guess it wasn’t enough.”
“It should have been,” Tommy said, remembering her house and how he couldn’t stay there more than six months after his parents disappeared. “I should have let her take care of me. But I was so angry.” Tommy looked up then. “Did you get that dad?” he said to the person standing in the doorway. “Thanks for helping me fuck the shit out of my life.” Adam stood up, staring at him. “Hey, I got another offer. I might stay with some of Paul’s family instead of the beach house. But only if I have to.” Adam walked to the door, standing in front of Thomas and glaring until he moved. “Adam, tell Lisa to come see me,” he said just before he walked out. “Adam can’t stay in the same room with you. I think he wants to beat your face in.”
“Probably,” his dad said, and again Tommy couldn’t understand how the man who could be so cold and arrogant was now being so calm. He was seeing another side of Thomas, but it wasn’t consistent. But he used to be cold all the time. He must have been high every time I saw him, he thought. That fucking bastard. “I don’t know how to talk to you,” his dad said. “I know you hate me, and I can’t…” he couldn’t finish the sentence. “I tried before,” he said then. “I gave you that car, and you sold it. I wasn’t going to try again after that.”
Tommy said there, stunned. “You…you just sent me an expensive car for my birthday. You didn’t say anything, you didn’t call me, you just sent a car.” His father nodded. “I thought you were trying to buy me off,” Tommy said, staring at his dad. “I don’t-yeah I sold it. And I’ve been helping people with the money. I gave some of it to start up businesses, stuff like that. You don’t know a damn thing about me. You could’ve sent a card with it at least.” His dad didn’t answer at first, and Tommy didn’t look at him.
“I think you would have hung up on me if I did call,” Thomas said, and Tommy nodded because he sure as fuck would have. “I know I was horrible, and I’m sorry. I never thought your mother would leave you, I thought with me gone she’d take care of you. I didn’t find out what happened until later.”
“Don’t bring her up,” Tommy said. “Don’t, I can’t handle that!” He couldn’t-just his dad mentioning his mom made a flash of red appear behind his eyes.”She fuckin’ hates me, and I hope she stays in fucking Guatemala and never comes back. Don’t talk about her again.” Tommy felt the hurt inside him press up into his chest. “Look, if you don’t have anything new to say, just leave me alone Okay? I don’t need to hear this shit.” Tommy looked over at him. “You might be different now, I don’t know. It’s not like I have much to compare it too.” Thomas winced at that. “But seriously, fucking leave me alone now.” Tommy started to cry then. “I’ve told you this every time you’ve come in, and you won’t go!” Tommy dug his fingernails into his thighs, disgusted at himself. He started when he felt the hand on his shoulder and shoved his elbow back, making contact with Thomas’s side and nearly taking out the IV. “Let go! You don’t love me, I don’t know why you’re acting like this! Get out!”
Tommy heard a flurry of movement before he saw the nurses come in, and he felt them grab his arms. “Okay, okay,” he said, not fighting them. “I’m sorry, don’t restrain me or anything.” He looked at his dad and shook his head. “Get the fuck out.” Thomas stepped back.
Annie, his favorite nurse, didn’t let go of his arm. “Tommy, you need to calm down. If you knock the IV out we might have to restrain you, or call security. Are you calm now?” Tommy looked at her and saw fear in her face, and he sunk like a rag doll.
“Yeah, yeah.I'm calm. Sorry about the IV. I’m sorry Annie.” She frowned at him but nodded. “I’m okay.” He looked up in time to see his father leave. “I’m okay now,” he said, and the nurses slowly let go of his arms. He let the nurse put the IV back in his arm, and he sunk down into the pillows. “I’m tired,” he said, and he closed his eyes.
When Tommy woke up, it was to a hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” he said, because even though he wasn’t sure who it was, it felt familiar. He opened his eyes. “Cassidy,” he said. “Are you okay? Is anybody after you? Tell me if they are.”
Cassidy paused, and Tommy expected the worst. “Nothing too bad yet. The Center’s getting more hate calls than usual. We’ve told the police, but there’s nothing they can do about it, they say. Nobody’s thrown a rock through the window or anything yet.” Cassidy paused. “I don’t like to be violent, but honestly, I beat the shit out of that guy when I saw him hitting you. Maybe the other assholes are a little afraid of me.”
“Holy shit, they should be,” Tommy said. “You don’t even have an idea-Mutt’s strong. He can kick the ass of almost anyone, and you won a fight with him.” Tommy was awestruck-that honestly surprised the shit out of him. Cassidy nodded. “I don’t even see a mark on you. Holy fuck.”
“That’s because he kicked my ribs. It was almost the only shot he got in. Jack pinned his arms.” Cassidy lifted up his shirt, and Tommy sucked in a breath at the bruising. He could see the imprint of the sole of Mutt’s boot. “It hurts like hell, but it’s okay. I’ve had to fight before to defend myself. It’s always bad. But I’ve been lucky.”
“You’re lucky ‘cause you’re not dead,” Tommy said. “Fuck, that’s a lousy fucking yardstick for lucky.” Tommy was silent for a minute. “It might be best if I go,” he said. “I don’t want people getting hurt.”
“It’s kind of already happened,” Lisa said, and Tommy gasped. She had a black eye, and it looked pretty new. “Someone nailed me earlier today. Michael was there though. He chased the guy away.” Lisa came over and hugged him gently. “It’s not your fault,” she said. “People are dicks. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to come over and scare you, but Adam said you asked about me. I’m all right.”
“Where was it? Was it at school?” Tommy was fucking horrified, and angry that someone had took a shot at his girl. She shook her head. “So…you’re okay?”
“I’m fine, it’s just a black eye. We went to the diner for cheeseburgers, and some little skinny fucker I don’t know ran up and whacked me. Michael got really mad, and he took me home afterward.” She brushed her hair out of her eyes, and Tommy got a look at her temple-it was bruised too, and there was a cut. Someone had gotten her good, no matter what she said.
“I’m so sorry,” Tommy said, and he made his decision right then. “I guess I’ve gotta go, baby. I can’t let this happen. Maybe you should too.” She opened her mouth to argue with him and he shook his head. “What if something worse happens to you? Or to JennyBaby? She’s awesome, but we all know she can’t fight back. It’s not in her. Or Adam? If something happens to him…” Tommy couldn’t even finish the sentence. “I can’t let that happen because of me. I love you all too much. If I’m gone they might leave you alone.”
“They also might kick our asses to find out where you are,” Lisa said. “You should be doing this for yourself, we can take care of ourselves. Or, we can look after each other.” Lisa came over and kissed him. “I heard you lost it when your dad came in Maybe you shouldn’t go to his place. Don’t think you’re ready for that, babe.” She pulled back and tried a smile.
“Lisa might be right, maybe you could go somewhere else,” Cassidy said. “Paul talked to me, and it sounds like a good idea. You won’t have to be gone long, probably. I bet they’ll stop caring after a few months.”
“That’s a long time,” Tommy said. “I was just starting to turn my life around, and it only took two months. I don’t want to ruin it in another two. But I probably don’t have a choice. I guess I’m gonna have to go.” Tommy heard a gasp, and looked to see Adam in the doorway.
“No,” he said, and he turned and ran before Tommy could call him back.
Fandom: Adam Lambert
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Rating: PG-13
Author: i_amthecosmos
Word Count: 7,375
Warnings: Talk of substance abuse and eating disorders, violence.
Summary: Tommy’s dad is back, but Tommy doesn’t want to hear what he has to say.
Disclaimer: None of this is true, and I make no profit from it. Please don’t Tweet this to anyone portrayed, thank you.
Notes: This was kind of tough to write, since Tommy is in a hospital bed for most of it. Thanks to fasciculations for the medical-pick, and thanks to everyone who reads this and helps me with it. We’re nearing the end now, thanks for sticking with it.
Tommy watched as Adam stared, his face getting redder the longer he glared at the man that was Tommy’s father. “You…” he said. “You son of a bitch.” Thomas the Second didn’t even look surprised, just sort of mildly offended. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done to him?” Adam took a step forward and Tommy grabbed his hand. He knew that Adam wasn’t a violent person but it looked like he was about to change all that. Adam relaxed at Tommy’s touch, but he didn’t stop glaring at his dad.
“Tommy,” he said, ignoring Adam. “I want us to talk in private. I know it’s been a long time-“
“Yeah, been three years since you said a word to me-hell, maybe more.” Tommy squeezed Adam’s hand and he squeezed back. “Adam’s staying. He’s not going anywhere. Now, why the hell are you even here? Because I know you don’t care about me, this is my second visit to the hospital since September.”
Tommy watched his dad’s eyes flicker to the entwined fingers of him and Adam, but then they settled back on his face. “I don’t want your…friend to influence you on this, Tommy. It’s very important.” Thomas the Second took a deep breath then, and Tommy thought Wow, the bastard’s actually nervous before his dad continued. “I just need a minute.”
“You’ve never needed a goddamn thing from me before,” Tommy said, and he looked over at Adam. “Stay outside the door, if I yell for you come in.” Adam tried to interrupt but Tommy shook his head. “Look, he’s acting weird and I at least want to see what the big deal is. Don’t worry about me. Okay, see you soon.” He caught Adam’s eye just before Adam bent down, kissing Tommy hard and with tongue. It hurt his jaw, but he was really glad that Adam had done that right in front of the old fucker. When Adam left, Tommy smirked a little. “Okay, now what?”
“If you think that flaunting that boy is going to make me go away Tommy…”
“No, you never went away because of something I did,” Tommy said, glaring. “You went because of something you did. I didn’t have any say in that.” Tommy watched his dad try not to squirm under his stare. “Well?” he said. He wanted the bastard to hurry up-his head was starting to throb and he didn’t need this shit right now.
“I keep in touch with you through Roger,” Thomas the Second said. Tommy shrugged-he knew that. Roger was the guy who handled the trust fund and financial things for him. He figured that every time he bought a Whopper, Roger let his dad know. “And he told me about the first hospital visit, and then he called me about this one.”
“Thanks for the sympathy cards, then.” Tommy didn’t even know he was this bitter about his father never talking to him. Well, actually he did know, but the fact that he was letting his dad see it was a big deal. “You know, I don’t want to hear it, whatever it is. Just…fuck off. Why should I listen to anything you say?” His father tried to speak again and Tommy cut him off. “Get out. And I know I’m a minor and you don’t have to listen to me. But I don’t want you here. Go.”
His dad paused, looking at Tommy’s face, and Tommy saw him sag. Ha, I win, he thought, but there wasn’t any real joy in it. It was hard to care about winning when someone didn’t even seem to want to fight. “I’m coming back tomorrow,” Thomas said. “It really is important.”
“If it’s about my trust fund, I don’t give a shit,” Tommy said suddenly. “I don’t, I’ve got friends and people that help me. I don’t need it.” His dad turned around then, and Tommy saw that had hit a nerve.
“People like the boy who beat you? Who could have beaten you to death? Tommy, I know you hate me, but I don’t want you to die, do you understand that? I came because I wanted to help.” Tommy looked at him again and son of a fucking bitch, the fucker was actually showing emotion. He looked honestly upset. Tommy cleared his throat, trying to will his voice not to break.
“I should’ve known it would take nearly dying to get your attention,” he said softly. “It could’ve happened a lot sooner than this. Now go.” He almost said I’ll see you tomorrow, but he shut that thought down in fury. How dare he want to give in so easily. His dad gave him a long look, and then quietly walked out. Adam was standing at the door, still glaring when Thomas the Second left.
“That fucker,” Adam hissed as he looked Tommy over. “Are you okay? That fucking bastard, why did he come here? Adam kissed his cheek, near the bruise on his jaw. “I wanted to beat him, Tommy. I wanted to hit him and not stop.”
“I know,” Tommy said, and he winced at the pain in his head. “He’s….I don’t know what he wants, but I think he means it. Whatever it is, he means it.” Tommy looked at Adam. “He’s coming back tomorrow, I don’t know if I can handle it. I need you to visit a lot. And...tell Cassidy. Tell him about my dad, and that I’m okay. And to visit me, I might need to see him too.”
“Why are you letting him come back?” Adam said, and Tommy didn’t know how to answer. He could say that he couldn’t stop him, and that was legally true. But there was something else, and Tommy didn’t want to think about it too much. He didn’t want to know what he was feeling about his dad. He just held Adam’s hand, hoping the contact would drive away the cravings he felt right then.
“How are you doing? Are you okay?” This seemed like a great time for Tommy to put the focus on Adam. “Are you eating okay? Just…there’s not much I can do to help here, so I need to know.”
“I’m okay, I’m trying to be okay,” Adam said, nodding. “My dad’s helping me, our friends are being great. Lisa’s been coming over and keeping me company. Everyone’s been awesome.” Adam sighed. “But I cried like crazy when I found out. I’ve been really scared that something like that would happen and I wouldn’t be able to do anything. And it did.”
“I’m okay. Cassidy saved my ass.” Tommy smiled. “And I’ll heal from the concussion soon. I’m just gonna be bored and weak from all these IV’s.” Adam smiled back, and Tommy caught the barest hint of him about to move in, before a nurse came through the door to check in on him. Adam let go of Tommy’s hand right away, but she ignored Adam as she got his blood pressure and checked his IV’s, and then left. “Man, they don’t like you much.”
“Some are okay,” Tommy said. “Go talk to Cassidy though. I don’t want to be alone with him again.” It was too weird, he wanted to say, but he kept that to himself. Then there was a knock on the door and the rest of the Lamberts came in with a plant, and Tommy stopped thinking about his father.
The next day, Tommy had a lot of visitors, including Adam, Anoop (who brought his homework), his Oma. When his father came back, Paul and Cassidy were there. Paul’s face went red when he saw him, and he stood up, hands balled into fists.
“You’ve got a lot of nerve, Mr. Ratliff,” he said. “Whatever you want from Tommy, I don’t think he wants any part of it.” Tommy looked at Paul-he had never seen him that angry. It was nice, but it was weird too, and he didn’t know why.
“Mr. Harrington,” Cassidy said from where he was standing near the corner. “I don’t think you should speak for Tommy.” Tommy sighed-that was what had felt weird about it. He’d liked it in a way, that someone cared that much, but it wasn’t quite right. “Tommy has to do this,” and Tommy nodded. He had no idea what ‘this’ was going to be, but Cassidy was right. Paul looked at the two of them, and squeezed Tommy’s shoulder before he left the room. “Do you want me to stay?” Cassidy said. “I can leave.”
Tommy shook his head. “No. Stay please.” Tommy indicated Cassidy with his head to his father. “This is Cassidy. He’s my therapist. He’s my friend too, and he’s the one who ran up and pulled Mutt off me. He’s staying, and you can thank him for saving me anytime you like. And oh, that was Paul Tucker-Harrington. I stay at his house now. He’s a better goddamn father to me than you ever were.” Part of Tommy’s brain reeled at what he’d just said. He had called Paul his father for the first time, and it was mostly just to piss his dad off. That was kind of sad, but he didn’t have the time to feel guilty.
His dad didn’t react to anything that Tommy said, which was fucking disappointing. He did look Cassidy over, taking in the Ministry t-shirt and black leather boots. He nodded at Cassidy, but didn’t say anything. Cassidy just looked back at him, calm and steady. Tommy should have known the bastard wouldn’t thank a freak like Cassidy-he probably blamed him for Tommy’s being gay. Finally, he looked at Tommy. “Will you listen to me now?” And again, he sounded sincere enough to make some part of Tommy respond to him. He did his best not to let it show.
“I don’t know. Try,” he said, and Cassidy moved closer. “It has to be something you want, I can’t think of anything else.”
“I told you yesterday, Tommy. What I want is for you not to die.” Thomas’s voice was sharp, but he seemed more frustrated than mad. “I’ve talked to…people.” Tommy knew who that meant-the police chief, the guy who probably helped him get off with no jail time, like the mayor. Tommy felt so much helpless anger he almost missed the rest. “…And those boys aren’t the only ones looking for you. Tommy, you could be killed. You need to leave town, as soon as you get out.”
What? Tommy shook his head. He couldn’t believe that fucker had even said that. “I’m not fucking living with you.” Tommy glared again and his head throbbed again, hurting from the stress. “Get that idea out of your head.” Inside his head, he felt a dull sadness-people wanted him dead. And all for nothing much, they just wanted him dead. He believed that part, he knew that some people wanted to kill for less. But it didn’t do anything to make it stop hurting.
“Not with me. I know you won’t say yes to that,” Thomas the Second said. “But, I have a beach house. It’s an hour from here, and you could stay there. I’ll get you a tutor if you still want to finish school, and you can be safe. It would probably be the best decision-“
“I’m not leaving,” Tommy said immediately. “I won’t go, fuck you, I’ll think of something else first.” He had to squeeze his eyes shut while another lightning bolt of pain hit between his eyes. “Ow. I have to rest. I’ve got a concussion, just go.” His dad tried to press his case and Tommy didn’t even think about it-he grabbed a pillow from under his head and threw it at him. It was worth the pain jostling his head caused as he watched his dad jump to the side, looking shocked. “Will you just leave! Stop trying to make me do stuff! You have no right!” He was yelling so loud his head felt like his head would split in two. Sure enough, a doctor and two nurses came in to see what the commotion was. Tommy couldn’t hold it in any longer and he started to cry. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Not in front of him, he thought. But he couldn’t stop it.
The doctor came next to his bed now, talking softly to try to calm him, and his dad looked at everyone in the room, and then put his hands in his pockets and walked toward the door. “Tommy…” he started, but he walked out then. That was good, Tommy was in no mood to hear an ‘I’m sorry’ from that asshole. Then his stomach heaved, and Cassidy grabbed the puke bucket just in time.
Later, after Tommy had rested and everyone except his Oma had left, Tommy let himself think about it. He could just see it-a nice big house that was pretty on the outside, but as cold and lonely as the house his parent’s owned here. It would have a nice view of the ocean and nothing else that Tommy would want. And he would be alone. He’d tried so hard, and he couldn’t be alone again. Fuck his dad. He could disappear without leaving the city, he’d done it before. He could cover his tracks and fade away.
But…if people wanted to beat him up or kill him, they wouldn’t stop as long as he was in town. He couldn’t let his friends worry any more than they already were. He could’ve been hurt a lot more seriously than this. People know where I go to school, they might know I’m living with Lisa. Tommy sighed out loud, and tried to get comfortable. His head was starting to feel better, but it was hard to sleep.
I have no fucking idea what I’m gonna do,, he thought, and looked over at his Oma, asleep in her chair. The damned hospital finally relented on her staying over after his fucking father gave them the go-ahead. Tommy closed his eyes just as a nurse came in to check on him. “That’s your grandma, right? They said she wasn’t at first.” Tommy opened his eyes to look at the nurse, who was kind, he liked her, and he nodded.
“She’s the only grandmother I’ve ever had,” he said, and the nurse smiled at him, patting his shoulder. Some people understand, Tommy thought as he drifted into sleep.
The next day, he got a doctor-a resident, since his regular doctor was having Thanksgiving like a normal fucking person- to talk to him alone, all the nurses and his friends barred for the time being. “Doc, I need to ask you something.” He took a deep breath. “Can I get an HIV test here?” The doctor paused a long moment, and then stared at his chart like it would give him the right thing to say.
“Yes,” he finally said. “But do you feel you need one?” Tommy was irritated-he’d asked, didn’t he? “I mean, are you having any symptoms that predate getting the staph infection? Did you get a lot of infections before?”
“None that couldn’t be explained,” Tommy said, sitting up. His concussion was gone now, and he could sit up easily. “It’s for my peace of mind more than anything. Look,” he said, looking straight at the doctor. “I was a drunk until about a month ago, and I have no idea some of the stuff I’ve done. So please, get me a test. But…do you have to tell the nurses? Some of them already don’t like me.” It was true-despite the good ones, there was one or two bitchy RN’s still around.
“It’s going to be on your medical record, Tommy. Everyone will need to see it. We can’t keep secrets from employees like that. I’m sorry, I understand.” Tommy knew he wasn’t just saying it either, and he was suddenly glad that he was talking to a young resident, someone who might not judge him as much as an older doctor. “But I can arrange for the blood drawing to be done today. It will take three weeks to get the results in. And I recommend taking it several times, because sometimes it comes up with false positives. All right?”
“Sure, do it now. And thanks,” Tommy said, and he waited. A nurse came in with gloves on, and she drew his blood, both of them silent. When she left, Tommy stared at the ceiling a long time. When Adam came in later, he just scooted over closer. They hadn’t touched since Tommy’s the first day Adam came to visit, because Tommy was afraid the hospital would come up with some bullshit reason for Adam to lose visitation rights. So he would just move closer, and if anyone noticed they kept their fuckin’ mouths shut. After a while, Tommy said “I’m taking the test, they’re gonna send the blood off". Then he laughed, one short sound. “I can’t believe it. It’s a Thanksgiving I’d actually want to celebrate and I can’t.”
“Oh,” Adam said, and he looked at his shoes. “Um. I’m glad you’re taking it, and yeah, happy Thanksgiving. I can’t stay long, I’m sorry.”
“My dad thinks I should leave,” he said. And then he thought Oh fuck, because he wasn’t ready to bring that up yet. That got Adam’s eyes on his face, staring in horror as Tommy kept going. “Adam…has anyone threatened you? Are you okay? Because my dad says people are looking for me, but they don’t know about you, I don’t think. But they’d know Lisa and Jenny, and maybe I should go, I don’t know. Adam, I can’t let anyone get hurt.”
“But…you can’t go,” Adam said. “No, you can’t-I can’t believe you’re thinking about it. I know you don’t wanna get hurt, but how can you trust him? Maybe he’s just after your money. You can’t go, I can’t let you. Why are you listening to him? Oh god, don’t go. Please don’t go. And no, I haven’t been hurt.” Adam wiped his eyes and Tommy felt guilty-he knew this would hurt Adam. It hurt him to even think about it, so seeing Adam cry was making it worse.
“I don’t know. It makes sense that people would still be looking for me. But I don’t know. And I wouldn’t be staying with him, just at one of his houses. But he wouldn’t have to get me to leave to get my trust fund-he could just cut me off. So that doesn’t make sense. I’m not saying he doesn’t want it,” Tommy said, fidgeting with the covers. He needed a cigarette so bad now. “We know he’s a greedy son of a bitch.”
“Tommy,” a voice said, and they both jumped. Tommy’s dad was in the doorway, and of course he’d heard everything. “I need to talk to you again. Your friend can stay if you want him too.” Thomas came in like he was fully expecting to be hit with another pillow.
“Gee thanks dad, that’s so nice of you. By the way, his name is Adam.” Tommy sat up. “And yeah, I want him to stay. What is it now?”
“I can see why you think that,” his dad said, looking down. “I was greedy, and I deserved that. But I’m not after your money-I want you to have it. I know you’ll probably never believe me, but I’m not that person anymore.” Thomas looked at him and Tommy had to try not to laugh.
“You’re right, I don’t believe you. You screwed over the lives of tons of people and fired the father of a friend of mine, and I’m supposed to think it’s okay now.” Tommy looked at Adam. “Is Anoop out there? Get him if he is.” Tommy turned back to his dad as Adam left. “I don’t know why the fuck you expect me to even entertain that thought.”
“You changed,” was all his father got out, before Anoop appeared in the doorway. He stood there aloof and disdainful looking and Thomas stared at him, as if Anoop reminded him of someone.
Anoop slapped on a big fake smile and stepped forward. “Hi. I’m Anoop Desai, and you remember my father. You fired him for no reason, and he was unemployed for six months. We lived off my mom’s salary and he got a better job, so you didn’t ruin our lives. I’m sorry if that disappoints you.” Anoop let the smile drop then and continued. “But what you did to Tommy…you almost did ruin his life. I can’t even believe he lets you in the room. I wouldn’t.” Anoop turned to Tommy. “You’re more forgiving than me, Tommy Joe. Hey, your Oma’s bringing Thanksgiving food soon. That’s why I’m here. We’ll be back with it when he’s gone.” He glared at Thomas again.
“I haven’t forgiven him,” Tommy said. “I’m just letting him talk. And tell her it’ll just be a minute.” Tommy wouldn’t go so far as to say he was listening. Anoop looked at the two of them and walked out, waving to Tommy. Tommy looked at his dad. “I don’t want to leave my friends. I finally got my life together and I’m not leaving now.”
Thomas was flustered, obviously not over his meeting with Anoop. “You know the Desais and you live with Harrington. How did you make friends with everyone who was against me? I heard you never told anyone who you were.” Tommy glared at him, and he started to backtrack. “I mean, they should have been, but-“
“Hell yes they should have and I don’t know. Maybe I just got lucky. And yeah, I didn’t say anything until I met the friends I have now. I never told those punk fucks anything.” Tommy looked down and sighed. “Don’t get me upset, dad, I don’t want to get sick again.” He paused and looked at the window even though the shades were still closed. “I can’t leave. I know you won’t understand that, but I can’t. And not just because of Adam either.”
“If you stay here, you might die,” his dad said, and Tommy could see the old anger, the coldness that he always associated with his father. If Thomas had changed, he sure as hell didn’t look like it now. Tommy suddenly remembered all the times his dad would just stride out of the house, leaving him alone with an angry mother. It made him want to get out of the bed and punch him. Thomas kept talking, not noticing or ignoring Tommy’s fury. “I don’t think you’re taking this as seriously as you should. I understand you’ve been in a lot of fights, but-“
“Oh, I do understand,” Tommy said, trying to stare him down. “I believe you when you say that. But you don’t understand. If I stay here, they might kill me. But if I leave my new friends, I’ll die. I mean it, I can’t be alone. You want me to live in a fucking house alone with a tutor coming to see me? This is your solution?” Tommy could feel his face getting hot and his stomach tensing as his anger started to spill out. “I don’t care if it’s just an hour away, I can’t just sit there and wait for the weekend to see everyone.” He took a deep breath. “If I’m alone that long…I’ll start drinking again dad. I promise I will.”
Thomas got very quiet, and Tommy laughed then, one bitter sound. “Don’t act surprised. I can’t leave, my AA meeting and my therapist are here too, and not just my friends.” He couldn’t figure out what his dad was thinking-the expression on his face wasn’t one he’d ever seen before. It was sympathetic, and it didn’t fit on his dad. Tommy was so busy staring at Thomas’s face that he didn’t notice the fact that he was rummaging through his pockets until he came up with a chip. He held it in front of Tommy’s face, and he could read the letters ‘CA’ on the front.
“Cocaine Anonymous,” his dad said. “So don’t say I don’t understand.” He straightened back up, and put the coin back. “After I left I started to try to get better. But you’ve started here, and you think it’s working?” Tommy nodded, too shocked to do anything else. “I can see why you don’t want to leave. But…it’s only an hour away. Maybe it won’t be that far. And you can go to meetings anywhere. Just…think about it.” His dad turned toward the door, and then looked back. “This is what I meant when I said I’m not that person anymore.”
“It doesn’t explain everything,” Tommy said. He felt weird arguing with his dad, since he did understand what cravings and the whole thing were like. It changed things, it made his dad more human and he didn’t like it. “And I kind of hate AA, I’d rather see Cassidy. But anyway, how long? You’ve been clean how long? Because it’s been three years since you’ve seen me. Did you just clean up last fucking month or what?”
Thomas looked over at Tommy for a long moment, then dropped his eyes. “Around last year. I started getting treatment a year and a half ago, but it finally stuck a year ago.” Tommy closed his eyes-that long. He guessed old Thomas was just waiting for a major event to let him know about it.
“Oh,” was all he could think to say. He was silent for a long time, as Thomas waited for a reaction. Tommy couldn’t think of one, everything he wanted to say about Thomas still being a stranger to him frozen in his throat. Finally he cleared it, and looked at him. “Tell Brigitte that she can come in now. Let her know on your way out.” He turned over then, not facing his dad, and winced when he heard the door shut. A couple of tears trickled out of his eyes, but not enough to really count. His dad couldn’t make him cry, not today. He wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.
The rest of the day went okay, with his Oma bringing in too much food and friends coming in and out, in between their own holiday celebrations. Tommy was grateful for it, still amazed that his friends would come and spend time with him. Megan came and kissed his cheek, and when she heard about his dad she yelled “Goddamn motherfucking son of a bitch!” Tommy laughed so long he started coughing.
“And that’s why I love you, Meg,” he said, and she and Anoop both laughed.
When Lisa came in a bit later, she brought a radio and some mix tapes that she’d made for him. “I got your headphones, I don’t know how you’ve gone this long without anything to listen to. That’s gotta be driving you crazy.” Tommy shrugged-it’s not as if he could listen to very much with a fucking concussion. “Anyway, I brought you some of dad’s soup. He thought you might want some.”
“Oh fuck yes please,” he said, taking the still-warm Tupperware bowl of potato soup from her. “I’ve eaten like a pig today, but it doesn’t matter. I love this so much.” He ate a spoonful, and then he looked over at Adam, who had come back. He felt a little guilty about gushing over the soup when Adam couldn’t eat in front of anyone, but Adam just smiled. Lisa hugged Adam hard, and then left the room.
“Hey,” Tommy said. “Did it go okay?” Adam shrugged. “Was it bad?”
“About what I expected,” he said. “I ate about three bites of everything. That’s what the OA people encouraged me to do, since it was my family. So I at least got some of my grandmother’s cooking. That was good-I hated not eating it in front of her before.” He said next to Tommy, pushing his chair up. “I think I’m okay, at least for now,” he said. “I don’t feel like it’s that bad, even though…it’s hard with you in here. I’m doing better than I thought.” He looked at the soup and Tommy handed it over. Adam had a couple of spoonfuls and handed it back. “Wow, that is good.”
“It is,” Tommy said. “I’m proud of you,” Adam shook his head, not wanting to accept the compliment, but Tommy meant every word. “You’re amazing and I love you. And if anything happens…” he hated bringing it up, but he had to. “You keep in touch with me.” He started shaking even thinking about being separated from Adam. “I mean it, I don’t want to lose you. Visit me, call me…”
“Shut up, shut up,” Adam said, his eyes tearing up just from Tommy mentioning it. “I don’t want to talk about it, because it’s not going to happen. You’re staying here, you have to. We had just started to figure things out, and now this happens. I won’t be able to handle it if you go. You know it won’t be right if you leave. You might start again, and I know I’ll get worse.” Tommy felt a dull ache-he knew how true it was.
And he didn’t want to bring it up, but he knew how much they leaned on each other. We still haven’t learned how to take care of our shit on our own, he thought. I don’t know if we can. He just squeezed Adam’s hand quickly and he wondered if Adam was thinking the same thing.
The rest of Adam’s visit was silent.
The next day, Tommy got to go to the outdoor patio, IV trailing behind him. He lit the first cigarette with his hands nearly shaking-he’d been craving it so much. The patio was nice, but he was too focused on smoking to really pay attention. Paul was with him-he had brought the pack for him and Tommy knew then that Paul loved him. He couldn’t stand smoking, but he brought them anyway. Tommy smoked three as he told Paul everything. “I don’t know, Paul. I still think he’s up to something. He’s never paid a goddamn bit of attention to me. And if he’s kept up, he knows I’ve been hurt before.” Tommy thought about that for a second. “Or maybe he didn’t know, I never went to the hospital for a lot of shit that happened to me.” He thought about the scar on his stomach and how he’d just bandaged it and kept going.
“Maybe he feels bad now,” Paul said. “But I don’t blame you. If what he says is true, you might have to leave. But not with his help if you don’t want it. I could help you.” Tommy looked over, eyes wide, as Paul continued. “I don’t have a beach house, but I have relatives and friends who could put you up. That way you won’t have to owe him anything, and we’d know where you are.”
“I-thanks,” Tommy said. “I didn’t expect that. Thank you.” He took another drag off his cigarette, and breathed out. “I really don’t know what to say.” He felt an overwhelming sense of love and some disbelief. It was nothing like his father offering him his fucking beach house. He felt like Paul really meant it, more than his dad. “I might do that, I don’t know. I know Lisa could come over more.” Paul nodded , and Tommy knew that Lisa would come over no matter where he was.
He ground out another cigarette and got back to the subject of his father. “I just don’t understand-I think he thinks because he’s stopped doing coke-which I didn’t even know about-that I should just forgive him. Like we can be fuckin’ buddies or something. It doesn’t excuse what he did.” Tommy paused. “But...I’m not sure that I still hate him. Maybe not as much. I don’t know, it’s too confusing.”
“it’s okay,” Paul said, but there was a kind of sadness in it. “I know you always wanted your parents to accept you, and maybe he’s trying now.” Paul couldn’t look at him as he said it, and Tommy felt a crash in his stomach. Paul didn’t want him to leave.
“Paul-I’m not going to-hey.” He wanted Paul to look at him. “It’s okay, really. I don’t-I’ll always see you. If I go, then I’m sorry. But it won’t be my decision, it’ll be because I have to.” Paul smiled at him, and Tommy smiled back. “So don’t think you’re fuckin’ getting rid of me that easily.” They both laughed, and Tommy finished his cigarette. “I’m tired. I need to go back to my room.”
“I’ll walk with you,” Paul said as they stood up.
Adam came by later with some of the chocolate-covered potato chips he’d given him the first time Tommy had been in the hospital. “Oh, thank you,” Tommy said, touched by the gesture. Tommy was back in bed, even though he could move around. He wasn’t staph-sick anymore, but the medication slowed him down. “It’s sweet that you remembered that. And anyway,” he said with a grin, “I’m sick of Jell-O.”
“I bet you are,” Adam said, and he sat down. His smiled looked strained and Tommy knew what was coming next. “I miss you,” he said. “I’m…not doing so well today. I mean…I had three bags of those originally.” He looked down, and Tommy could see the shame. “I’m scared you’re really going to leave, and I don’t know if I can make it without you.” He reached out and gently stroked Tommy’s hand before pulling it away.
“I don’t know if I can make it either,” Tommy said. “Paul offered me a place to stay, and I might take that instead. But only if I have to, I really don’t want to go. I love you, I finally got…” Tommy had to stop a minute and breathe. “I finally got what I wanted, people who really care about me, and I guess it was too late. I’m so sorry this is happening.”
“You-it’s not really your fault.” Tommy opened his mouth to argue that it was all his fault, that if he hadn’t been a self-destructive fucker none of this would have happened, but Adam kept going. “I honestly think you didn’t know what else to do. Maybe you could’ve done things differently, but your parents…” Adam trailed off. “They didn’t love you. I know your Oma did, but still. I guess it wasn’t enough.”
“It should have been,” Tommy said, remembering her house and how he couldn’t stay there more than six months after his parents disappeared. “I should have let her take care of me. But I was so angry.” Tommy looked up then. “Did you get that dad?” he said to the person standing in the doorway. “Thanks for helping me fuck the shit out of my life.” Adam stood up, staring at him. “Hey, I got another offer. I might stay with some of Paul’s family instead of the beach house. But only if I have to.” Adam walked to the door, standing in front of Thomas and glaring until he moved. “Adam, tell Lisa to come see me,” he said just before he walked out. “Adam can’t stay in the same room with you. I think he wants to beat your face in.”
“Probably,” his dad said, and again Tommy couldn’t understand how the man who could be so cold and arrogant was now being so calm. He was seeing another side of Thomas, but it wasn’t consistent. But he used to be cold all the time. He must have been high every time I saw him, he thought. That fucking bastard. “I don’t know how to talk to you,” his dad said. “I know you hate me, and I can’t…” he couldn’t finish the sentence. “I tried before,” he said then. “I gave you that car, and you sold it. I wasn’t going to try again after that.”
Tommy said there, stunned. “You…you just sent me an expensive car for my birthday. You didn’t say anything, you didn’t call me, you just sent a car.” His father nodded. “I thought you were trying to buy me off,” Tommy said, staring at his dad. “I don’t-yeah I sold it. And I’ve been helping people with the money. I gave some of it to start up businesses, stuff like that. You don’t know a damn thing about me. You could’ve sent a card with it at least.” His dad didn’t answer at first, and Tommy didn’t look at him.
“I think you would have hung up on me if I did call,” Thomas said, and Tommy nodded because he sure as fuck would have. “I know I was horrible, and I’m sorry. I never thought your mother would leave you, I thought with me gone she’d take care of you. I didn’t find out what happened until later.”
“Don’t bring her up,” Tommy said. “Don’t, I can’t handle that!” He couldn’t-just his dad mentioning his mom made a flash of red appear behind his eyes.”She fuckin’ hates me, and I hope she stays in fucking Guatemala and never comes back. Don’t talk about her again.” Tommy felt the hurt inside him press up into his chest. “Look, if you don’t have anything new to say, just leave me alone Okay? I don’t need to hear this shit.” Tommy looked over at him. “You might be different now, I don’t know. It’s not like I have much to compare it too.” Thomas winced at that. “But seriously, fucking leave me alone now.” Tommy started to cry then. “I’ve told you this every time you’ve come in, and you won’t go!” Tommy dug his fingernails into his thighs, disgusted at himself. He started when he felt the hand on his shoulder and shoved his elbow back, making contact with Thomas’s side and nearly taking out the IV. “Let go! You don’t love me, I don’t know why you’re acting like this! Get out!”
Tommy heard a flurry of movement before he saw the nurses come in, and he felt them grab his arms. “Okay, okay,” he said, not fighting them. “I’m sorry, don’t restrain me or anything.” He looked at his dad and shook his head. “Get the fuck out.” Thomas stepped back.
Annie, his favorite nurse, didn’t let go of his arm. “Tommy, you need to calm down. If you knock the IV out we might have to restrain you, or call security. Are you calm now?” Tommy looked at her and saw fear in her face, and he sunk like a rag doll.
“Yeah, yeah.I'm calm. Sorry about the IV. I’m sorry Annie.” She frowned at him but nodded. “I’m okay.” He looked up in time to see his father leave. “I’m okay now,” he said, and the nurses slowly let go of his arms. He let the nurse put the IV back in his arm, and he sunk down into the pillows. “I’m tired,” he said, and he closed his eyes.
When Tommy woke up, it was to a hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” he said, because even though he wasn’t sure who it was, it felt familiar. He opened his eyes. “Cassidy,” he said. “Are you okay? Is anybody after you? Tell me if they are.”
Cassidy paused, and Tommy expected the worst. “Nothing too bad yet. The Center’s getting more hate calls than usual. We’ve told the police, but there’s nothing they can do about it, they say. Nobody’s thrown a rock through the window or anything yet.” Cassidy paused. “I don’t like to be violent, but honestly, I beat the shit out of that guy when I saw him hitting you. Maybe the other assholes are a little afraid of me.”
“Holy shit, they should be,” Tommy said. “You don’t even have an idea-Mutt’s strong. He can kick the ass of almost anyone, and you won a fight with him.” Tommy was awestruck-that honestly surprised the shit out of him. Cassidy nodded. “I don’t even see a mark on you. Holy fuck.”
“That’s because he kicked my ribs. It was almost the only shot he got in. Jack pinned his arms.” Cassidy lifted up his shirt, and Tommy sucked in a breath at the bruising. He could see the imprint of the sole of Mutt’s boot. “It hurts like hell, but it’s okay. I’ve had to fight before to defend myself. It’s always bad. But I’ve been lucky.”
“You’re lucky ‘cause you’re not dead,” Tommy said. “Fuck, that’s a lousy fucking yardstick for lucky.” Tommy was silent for a minute. “It might be best if I go,” he said. “I don’t want people getting hurt.”
“It’s kind of already happened,” Lisa said, and Tommy gasped. She had a black eye, and it looked pretty new. “Someone nailed me earlier today. Michael was there though. He chased the guy away.” Lisa came over and hugged him gently. “It’s not your fault,” she said. “People are dicks. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to come over and scare you, but Adam said you asked about me. I’m all right.”
“Where was it? Was it at school?” Tommy was fucking horrified, and angry that someone had took a shot at his girl. She shook her head. “So…you’re okay?”
“I’m fine, it’s just a black eye. We went to the diner for cheeseburgers, and some little skinny fucker I don’t know ran up and whacked me. Michael got really mad, and he took me home afterward.” She brushed her hair out of her eyes, and Tommy got a look at her temple-it was bruised too, and there was a cut. Someone had gotten her good, no matter what she said.
“I’m so sorry,” Tommy said, and he made his decision right then. “I guess I’ve gotta go, baby. I can’t let this happen. Maybe you should too.” She opened her mouth to argue with him and he shook his head. “What if something worse happens to you? Or to JennyBaby? She’s awesome, but we all know she can’t fight back. It’s not in her. Or Adam? If something happens to him…” Tommy couldn’t even finish the sentence. “I can’t let that happen because of me. I love you all too much. If I’m gone they might leave you alone.”
“They also might kick our asses to find out where you are,” Lisa said. “You should be doing this for yourself, we can take care of ourselves. Or, we can look after each other.” Lisa came over and kissed him. “I heard you lost it when your dad came in Maybe you shouldn’t go to his place. Don’t think you’re ready for that, babe.” She pulled back and tried a smile.
“Lisa might be right, maybe you could go somewhere else,” Cassidy said. “Paul talked to me, and it sounds like a good idea. You won’t have to be gone long, probably. I bet they’ll stop caring after a few months.”
“That’s a long time,” Tommy said. “I was just starting to turn my life around, and it only took two months. I don’t want to ruin it in another two. But I probably don’t have a choice. I guess I’m gonna have to go.” Tommy heard a gasp, and looked to see Adam in the doorway.
“No,” he said, and he turned and ran before Tommy could call him back.