The Pianist [Chapter 6/?]
Title: The Pianist
Author: zetastation
Beta/Co-writer: the patient ilurvebelldom
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: angst and language.
Summary: 'Dominic was there'.
Feedback: Pretty please!!! <3
Disclaimer: I don’t own Muse. This is a work of fiction and it never happened.
Author’s Note: I'M SO SORRY!!! This story hasn't been updated for over a month and I don't even know where I should start to apologize! At first I caught a serious cold, then I found myself extremely busy with uni and work... Tough life... :'( So, please, for those who still remember this fanfic, I beg you for not give up on reading it! I have planned good stuff for the next chapters and I'd love to see you enjoying it. I must thank you all for the awesome feedback on chapter 5! That was the best feedback I've ever received and I just want to thank everyone who's following the series!
This chapter is like a watershed and I hope you like it!
I need to thank my beta/co-writer for this chapter, ilurvebelldom for being as patient as heaven and still able to bear me everytime I go eager, asking her a lot of things. I feel like I also owe you apologizes for my anxiety and I promise you several Dom's pics in your inbox soon :)
I hope it's worth the wait...
Prologue - Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 7 Part A
***
Darkness.
Pain.
Confusion.
Noises.
I didn’t remember anything and I couldn’t say what my last memory was. All I knew is that before that day it was like I never had existed. I couldn’t explain that feeling; it was horrible. The worst part was when I realized I couldn’t move, I didn’t have any control over my own body. How could that have happened?! Why?
I knew I was there but at the same time I felt like I wasn’t there, you know? My body was dead but my mind was alive somehow. I tried to move a finger, I couldn’t. I tried to speak, call someone for help, I couldn’t. I tried at least open my eyes, I couldn’t. I was in a limbo. But I knew there were something happening around me, I could hear people talking, stepping closer and then away from me. I could hear that all.
Would they knew I was awake? Were they helping me?
I had so many questions flooding into my head at that moment and I didn’t have a single answer. It was the worst sensation ever; I couldn’t move and I felt trapped. Suddenly I felt the urge to scream, I was desperate, hopeless. Please, someone help me!
After a few moments of discomfort and despair, what felt like an eternity, someone touched my wrist, lifted it up. What was this person doing?
I willed my body to move! Tried to tell this someone I was alive and that I needed help! The person said something that reached my ears, but I couldn’t understand; the words were confusing, I couldn’t put them together.
When I thought I was about to be left behind, internally weeping again, my eyes opened all of a sudden and for one moment I thought I was blind. There was a bright light above me; it was hurting my sensitive eyes, but I didn’t want to shut them. The gift of vision was too good to be lost again.
Not too long after my body regained a few movements and senses, I saw a face. It was an old man, bald, wearing glasses and a white coat. He was observing me, like he was examining me. A Doctor…? Then my gaze slipped lower onto the scrubs he was wearing. Right, he was a Doctor, which brought me back to the problem. What was I doing at a… Hosp- hospital…? HOSPITAL?! What happened to me?!
“He’s awake!” I heard some woman saying. They were all around me, poking, prodding, asking questions… Someone flashed something in my eyes again, the light hurt and I flinched. It was removed, thankfully, with an apology. Then the questions started in earnest.
I didn’t exactly know what happened then, but the beeping that had been a peripheral noise grew louder and my vision darkened until it all went black.
I passed out.
I came to a while later, this time they were more patient. Ironic, considering the fact that I was the patient there… Questions were thrown at me again. “Are you alright? Can you understand me?” That old man snapped his fingers close to my face to make me pay attention in him. I looked at him. “Sir?” He called me and I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. By nothing, I mean no words came out. My throat felt dry and raw, like it had been stuffed with nails, sand, or something.
My eyes began watering with the force of my coughs. “Bring him water, Helen.” The Doctor commanded and in a few moments, a young woman returned with a glass of water, handing it to the Doctor. “Help him sit up, please.” The woman obeyed and slipped her hands under my back, being as careful as possible and helping my still-sleeping body to lift up. I thought I could collapse at any moment. “Take a sip.”
The Doctor gave me the glass and for the very first time I could see my hands when I lifted them. They were shaking and I lost the grip when tried to grab the glass, but the woman was holding it. Noticing my state, she guided the glass to my lips. I finally could feel the water in my mouth and I gulped it frantically, as if I’ve never had before and my very life depended on this. The sensation of something cool going down my throat was really good and I suddenly found my hands grabbing the glass, this time not losing my grip as the woman released the cup.
Drinking water was a relief. Finally I could speak.
I tried to turn my head to the left, and even though my neck was hurting, I could move it. Thank God… I saw white walls, a chair beside the bed I was and I also saw a door. When I turned my head to the right, I whimpered because of a sharp pain in my neck, but it didn’t take too long. There were a few people in the room; they were walking around, taking notes, talking so much... too loud.
A few more questions and I was too exhausted to do much more. I heard them talk about telling someone about my condition.
Did that mean there was someone out there? Someone who cared?
Until now I'd never thought of it but was I alone? And who WAS I?
Just before they left, the Doctor asked me to sign some papers for them. I took the pen up and scribbled my signature before I realised what I’d just done.
I had signed my own name… Even though I didn’t understand my handwriting, the letters were nearly illegible and I couldn’t distinguish the words. The doctor smiled and took back the pen and papers. I was shocked. I didn’t know who I was but even so I signed my name… A name that I even couldn’t comprehend.
If they were about to tell someone about me, I could only be thankful because someone cared for me… Even if I wouldn’t be able to recognise them if my life depended on it. And that brought me to another problem, the fact that I was going to be a big disappointment. I knew as much as a new born did. About everything. How was I to- Wait, why did the term ‘new born’ sound so familiar, as if it should be something?
Something important…
Would it be related to who I was? Was I a gynaecologist or a midwife by profession?
I was laying there wondering what the hell was it that I did for a living when the nurse came in and told me I had visitors. Yes, visitors, plural. She asked if I wanted to see them. Desperate to feel like I wasn’t alone and people cared, I agreed immediately.
“Doctor Walker thinks it’d be better if you get ready to your visits and also because you need to undergo a few tests. So, I will show you the bathroom so you can take a shower, okay?”
She helped me get up and I felt my legs shake under my weight. She held one of my arms and put it around her shoulder, helping me to walk to the bathroom. After a few steps I started to feel my legs properly again, stepping on my own even though I kept struggling to put one foot in front of the other. She also helped me showering me, since I felt too weak and couldn’t move properly. My back was hurting like hell and I felt a bit dizzy. I would probably pass out again soon.
When the shower was finished, the nurse gave me clean clothes and left the bathroom. I tried to dress me up but I had serious problems with the buttons of my shirt and trousers, so I called the woman again. In a few minutes, I was finally ready to see my… Friends…? Should I call them ‘friends’?
I returned to my bed and waited for a while, but when my visitors entered the room, I felt an overwhelming sense of… Disappointment.
Irrational, I know.
Something, or rather, someone was missing.
There was a man with balding blond hair, another taller one who was brunet and had kind friendly hazel eyes and a curled haired man who had an air of humour about him. They introduced themselves as Morgan, Chris and Tom, respectively. Chris seemed to have taken the lead, unsurprising, as there was something paternal about him; something comforting and reassuring.
But I wasn’t comforted in the slightest.
Someone wasn’t there… Why hadn’t they come?
Why was I even bothered?
This person (if they even existed) didn’t care.
Why did someone to whom I didn’t matter mean so much to me?
Lost in my thoughts I didn’t really hear much of what they said. Oh, and they were referring to me as ‘Matt’ the whole time. At some point they mentioned music and muses and something about a car accident… But I wasn’t listening. Instead of paying attention to what they were saying, what should be important, I was listening to raised voices outside my room.
“I waited for almost two months to see him awake; of course I’m fucking sure!” I didn’t know why but I smiled secretly. He was here, and he did care. “And why am I the last one to know?! Why didn’t you tell me before?” It was him. It could only be him.
Once Chris, Morgan and Tom had left I felt guilty but I didn’t have long to lie there and wallow… I had just picked up a book someone had left on my bedside (1984 according to the cover) when I heard ‘his’ voice again.
“I will talk to him now.” On their own volition, my lips turned up in a smile. Finally.
I placed the book on the bedside again and looked away from the door, taking a moment to compose myself, as he entered. That is to say I tried to compose myself, but I couldn’t. When he entered the room, I was kind of… Shaken… I don’t know. He was different from the guys who had just visited me.
And then I heard him saying “Hi” as he stepped closer my bed.
Oh, that voice…
Time stood still for one moment, or a day or even a bloody week when we locked eyes. We just stared at each other as if meeting for the first time. And in a way, maybe we just were…
He was blond and had interesting stormy grey eyes. Even though they looked tired, as the dark circles below his eyes confirmed his exhaustion, they were beautiful and with a beautiful colour. I’d never seen eyes as beautiful in my life.
I didn't need my memory to know they were the clearest, most striking eyes I'd ever... Well, laid eyes on.
I could have said his was a face I knew as well as my own, except I didn’t even know how I looked.
“Who are you?” I found myself asking him. Damn it! That wasn’t the way I wanted to talk to him. Now he must be thinking I was afraid of him. I wasn’t. But somehow I felt scared of the situation we were in. I didn’t know who he was, but I felt like I knew him.
Something about him made me feel like I could trust him with my life. And I didn't even know him.
It’s scary, you have no idea!
“I am Dominic James Howard.” He said.
At least now the ‘someone’ had a name.
He tried to tell me just what the others had- and this time I actually listened; he said I could trust Chris, Morgan and Tom, he gave me my identity and I found that my name was Matthew James Bellamy and would be 32 years old in three months. He said we had met when we were 14, in high school and that we had a band named Muse. At that time, I supposed we played at bars or something and made enough to scrape by somehow, so it was a pretty expensive hospital for me to be in... He also confirmed that I was on a car accident with him, poor guy…
And when he was about to tell me more, a weird woman came in. Not weird, she was quite pretty, but still, I didn’t know her. Or I thought I didn’t. She looked really worried and hugged me tightly babbling incoherently, but my eyes never left Dom’s, seeking reassurance. I must be someone important to her. When she left the room, Dom told me she used to be my… Girlfriend…
‘Used to be’? Did it mean we had broken up?
I didn’t feel like I had a girlfriend and she didn't concern me at that moment. Dominic did. I couldn’t help asking him “Are you my brother?” because surely that’d explain how I felt all of a sudden.
His face reflected absolute shock at that.
Okay. Maybe not brother then. But why did I feel like I did? Like a major part of my life, a major part of ME was back and everything would be alright.
Then he had smiled at me and I felt something warm in my heart. I felt safe.
And that sense of safety scared me.
Here was a man I didn’t know, walking in and making me feel… Safe…?!
He could’ve been an axe murderer for all I knew! Or worse! An… Alien!!! Anything.
But no. He said he was my best friend.
My best friend.
I'm sure he's the best thing I've ever had.
***
Three long days have passed since Dominic met me. I underwent some more tests to make sure there was nothing wrong with me. Wait, there was something really wrong with me! Just to make sure they wouldn't find anything worse…
In the meanwhile, I finally could see myself. There was a mirror in the bathroom, a mirror that I hadn't noticed until then. My hair was a mess; I was brunet, had (mesmerizing) blue eyes and was extremely pale, probably because I wasn't exactly at my healthiest.
I touched my face, feeling every patch of skin and the bones beneath it. I noticed I had interesting cheekbones (pretty sharp. I liked them) and a cleft on my chin; my nose was a little wonky, almost like a bird’s, and my lips were thin.
Deciding to get a better look in the whole ‘me’, I realized I was skinny and short. I looked at my hands and found I had long fingers. I kept exploring my physical features for a few minutes and concluded that I was not bad at all! But I needed to check something else out before I could say that for sure. Hm, let’s just say that I smiled in satisfaction when I looked inside… My trousers.
So, back to the main subject, on the third day I came back home along with Dominic. I got a little scared when I saw security guards surround us right before we left the hospital. I had no idea what they were going to do... Dominic sensed my worry and he told me they would help us to leave safely.
And so I began to wonder why we need safety… Millions of thoughts went through my head and I only focused on the worst: was there someone trying to kill us?! Oh, shit! Why?! Maybe the car accident was on purpose… Maybe someone actually tried to kill both of us, Dominic and I, whilst we were on a ride?!
But when I realized they were protecting us from photographers, I calmed down a bit. So… It meant that I was famous, hmm? Interesting… Maybe we didn’t play only at bars… Despite the idea of being famous, I was truly terrified because of the amount of cameras and media cars outside the hospital. And, I don’t know why, but when we got in the car and began to, practically, run away from the media, I thought we were on a chase! I had to admit, it was a bit fun.
Well, after the chase and the change of cars, we arrived at my house and I was really surprised when I entered. I looked at everywhere and wondered whether I was rich.
Initially, when Dominic had told me that we had a band, I thought it was a garage band, but considering the amount of expensive furniture and objects inside my house (which, by the way, was pretty big), the ‘paparazzi’ and those safety guards, I could only conclude that we were at least a bit famous.
He told me to explore my house, but I only wanted to check a specific place, the kitchen. I found something interesting there, a pack of something called ‘Pasta’, and I suddenly felt the urge to taste that even though I had no clue if I had ever liked it. Dominic looked really happy when he saw what I was holding in my hands, so I deduced that pasta must have been something important to me, or at least something I used to like.
Dominic was extremely kind to me and cooked some spaghetti to us. That was freaking delicious! That was the day I found my love for Italian food (even though I had tasted only one dish). How could I had forgotten that wonderful food?!?! Just- HOW?! I wished I could eat that every day for the rest of my life! Spaghetti was the best!
While we were eating, Dominic told me another fact about my past. He looked so nostalgic talking about that… I wish I could remember what he was telling me, but I couldn’t…
Well, at least I could remember something in that same day; something about Dominic. I recognized his house, I mean, I recognized the place but didn’t know who lived in there. Still, I could remember that, it was a good thing! But nothing was better than when I recognized Hendrix, Dominic’s Boston terrier. I knew his name and I knew I had given him to Dominic as a gift. I didn’t know if it was a birthday gift or what. Still, I had remembered something important and I didn’t even know how! I was shocked but happy at the same time! I didn’t know what to do.
But Dominic hugged me.
He hugged me and I felt safe again… That was a familiar feeling. I felt so safe that I even hugged him back. I could hug him for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t even mind.
This thought scared me a lot…
Was this just friendship?
Who was Dominic really? Only a friend?
Or… Something more?
***
I heard a few songs of our band, Muse.
Dominic told me that I was nothing less than the freaking frontman of the band! I was the lead singer, guitarist, pianist, lyricist and composer. I couldn’t believe I was the one who had created what I was listening to, that was too good to be me, playing and singing.
That was not me… That was, unfortunately, the old Matthew Bellamy…
Dominic was telling me about our albums, about what each one of us did in the band…
A few minutes before we get home again, he also mentioned a ‘Queue’ and someone's ‘Enemy’ winning awards. Best band in the world. And he was laughing about sexiest male. I assumed he was describing himself for some reason.
I had other concerns on my mind back then.
I’ve spoiled everything. I couldn’t do any of that anymore, I was sure of it… But Dominic just kept saying how good I was, how brilliant my compositions were, how fantastic my skills… He used all possible adjectives to describe who I used to be.
Too bad, I wasn’t that incredible man anymore.
I was Matthew James Bellamy, who'd lost his memory, who didn’t know even how to button his shirt or trousers. How could I play any instrument?
I was a shame.
I was going to disappoint everyone around me…
We finally arrived at my place again, but I couldn’t get that thought out of my mind. I was definitely troubled.
It was already night, I felt pretty tired and just wanted to sleep, but before that I planned to take a shower. I didn’t know what would I do without Dominic. You know, I still had that problem with the freaking buttons of my clothes! I tried my best to do that on my own, but I couldn’t and finally asked Dominic for help. At first I didn't think it was a bad idea, but on my way to his room I felt incredibly shy. That was our first day together and I was already asking him to… Eh… Unbutton my clothes… I felt awkward and with all the reasons, even though I still think that I could trust him even for a… Weird task like that.
But he did it.
I unconsciously held my breath when he began to unbutton my shirt; I could feel my heart racing when I felt his fingers brushing my chest that was being exposed. I even shivered! Why did I feel like that?
Dominic was careful…
Just before he finished unbuttoning my shirt I found myself staring at him, thoughtfully, musing about him. I wish I could remember everything about Dominic. He was definitely someone important to me, more than only a good friend. I could feel it…
He cared about me… More than anyone else.
Dominic even helped me to take a shower when I couldn’t move properly because of my back! But it was different from when that nurse helped me with the same thing. He was… Different… He treated me different, I felt different, everything was ‘different’.
The way his hands were running over my back whilst massaging me… His touch, his closeness… That was too intimate for two men, but I felt like I could trust him, again. The sense of safety never left me when Dominic was around.
He was ‘home’.
Or so I thought before what happened later that night…
***
That was too good to be true, things were going extremely well between us and even the awkward moments were somehow ‘good’. Dominic made me a beverage called hot cocoa (which was incredible!) and then he sat me in front of the piano, telling me to play.
It was too much to process at once. I suddenly realized the sheer amount of people who relied on me. What if I never got my memory back? Where would they go? How would they earn? How would they live? We had such a great life, for all that I've seen till now, and they depended on me to keep living like that.
I’m not only talking about material things, I’m talking about everything! It would be like being fired or something! I was sure they could work on something else, but… Of all I heard about us, we were great together, both as friends and as a band. I didn’t want to disappoint them all and make them give this life up. Our lives were connected and each one depended on another.
I needed to get myself together. In that moment, I realized I needed to remember everything.
But I wasn’t ready yet.
I really had spoiled everything.
I couldn’t play.
And I needed Dominic to support me. Not push me.
We had both failed.
***
I felt really bad on the following day. I had fought with the only person I’d trusted for real and for the very first time since I met Dominic, I didn’t feel safe. I was mad at him! I told him I couldn’t play that bloody piano and he pushed me, pushed me and pushed me until I finally burst of anger and disgust.
The only thing I did when he tried to apologize was ignore him. I knew I was wrong in giving him a cold shoulder, but Dominic wasn’t right either. He made me a truly delicious breakfast and I didn't even thank him. I realized he was pissed off with me when he told me that he was going to get the groceries. He just wanted to stay away from me for a while.
What I have I done?
The person who cared so much about me now wanted a time away from me…
Ironic… And sad.
I didn’t know what to do without him when he was out. I was in my own house but I didn’t know it yet, so I decided to do what Dominic had told me to yesterday.
I explored it.
I found a few interesting things. In my bedroom, inside a jewel box, I found a chain with a black guitar pick as pendant. There was nothing written on it. I didn’t know why that caught my attention. I decided to wear it, hiding the pendant under the collar of my shirt. Should that be something special? Why would I keep it into a jewel box?
Time passed by and Dominic still hadn’t returned. I had nothing to do but think. It was only my mind and me. Was what I did right? Should I keep treating him this way? Who should apologize first, him or me?
I had the urge to tell him everything I was thinking at that moment. Dominic wasn’t there, but Hendrix was. The poor dog listened to me for hours as I confided all my feelings in him, how disappointed I was with myself, how angry I was with Dominic.
I even cried, for God’s sake!
I was broken…
It wasn't long before Dominic finally came back home. I thought it would be a good opportunity to tell him how I felt, but then I acted stupid again and ended up telling him to not follow me.
I was confused…
It didn’t take too long for Dominic to decide to go out again.
Stupid me! Stupid meee!!!
I didn’t know what to do, again! I needed someone I could talk to. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream. I was lost without him. I picked up the telephone and dialled the first number that came in my head; I didn’t even know whose was it.
But it was Dominic’s number.
I froze when I heard his voice. I hung up because I was a coward.
How the hell did I call him?! I wasn’t supposed to remember any number.
Soon he was back again. Calling my name, making it echo through the entire house. “Matthew!” He kept screaming until he found me in my bedroom. I had no idea how I had the guts to act cold again. What was I doing?! I’d promised myself I would finally make it up to him! Why was I being so bloody stupid again?!?!
He shouted at me, and I can’t blame him for it. He said that he had heard what I told Hendrix, that he was hurt, that he tried his best to make it up to me. But I wasn’t helping. I was stubborn.
Then he went to his bedroom.
***
I felt sad, hopeless. I had no one to talk to, no one to turn to for help. I had driven away the only one who cared my silliness, my childishness. I had spoiled everything again…
There was nothing I had left to loose and suddenly I found myself sitting on the piano bench. That bloody instrument made me fight with Dominic. That bloody instrument was one of the reasons to Dominic and I had even met. That bloody instrument was where I used to make music. That bloody instrument was where I used to be ‘me’.
My heart was aching, my chest was burning and so was my throat. Tears blurred my vision.
Don’t freak out right now, you idiot!
I wiped my eyes and placed my fingers over the ivory keys.
Did I believe in God? You know, before the accident? But as my fingers pressed the keys, creating a harmonic melody I began to believe in some higher power.
There had to be an explanation! I couldn’t just have started playing again all of a sudden. That would be ridiculous; I still can’t explain just what happened in that moment. The only thing I knew was that I was playing the piano again. A part of me was back.
I just kept playing, pressing the keys. I didn’t know the song, or I couldn’t remember if I did, but I liked it. It was beautiful and touching. I finished the song but stayed in silence for a moment, appreciating the last traces of the sound echoing in the room. Then I realized Dominic was there.
And he was crying.
“Oh, God! Why are you crying?!”
I stood up and ran towards him, and he wrapped his arms around me. I did the same, to comfort him; just the same way he usually comforted me. He started speaking fast, apologizing actually. Begging me to forgive him. There was no need, I accepted all his apologies.
After all I owed him one too.
“We were both wrong.” I told him.
***
Dominic was still in my arms, his face buried in my neck, his warm breath heating my skin. It didn’t bother me. I finally felt home again.
Dominic was there.
We didn’t say a word during that moment. Words were unnecessary; his presence was all that mattered. I knew he was there for me and I wanted to show him that I would always be there for him too. I didn’t want him to abandon me and I realized I didn’t want me to abandon him either. We were even, we wanted the same thing.
I was so lucky to have him in my life, I was lucky to have him as a… Friend…
I wanted him to tell me everything about us, about our band and our friends of course, but more importantly about him and me. I felt incredibly connected to him and our friendship was something that I wanted to know better.
So much better.
I couldn’t tell for how long we stayed there, in each other's arms and listening to the sound of our breaths. Dominic could probably hear my heartbeats too. But that was not a problem. I confess that I almost felt sleepy as rested my head on Dominic’s.
We were close enough for me to smell his shampoo, cologne and that unique scent I'd come to identify as 'Dom'.
My fingers found their way into his hair, revelling in the silky softness of his blond hair.
I swear I could stay that way till the end of my days and I wouldn't mind. It just felt right. As if that was where I was meant to be. In his arms.
Then I heard him sigh and I couldn’t help smiling, a strange feeling of synchronicity invading me. I could feel his heartbeat through the thin material of his t-shirt.
After what seemed like an eternity, he moved. I felt his hand on my neck as he touched the chain I was wearing. Dominic brushed his fingers slightly over the cold metal and lifted his head.
And that was the moment when… Something happened.
I was sleepy, my head resting on his and we were extremely close. When he lifted his face, our lips met for a second before we pulled back to stare at each other.
Our lips had only brushed against each other’s for a second yet a jolt of electricity passed through me. But that wasn't what made my heart skip a beat or my breath hitch.
No. It was because in that moment it felt so familiar. The feel of his lips, the taste...
It felt like it had happened before.
Had Dom and I kissed before? He told me we were only friends, best friends to be precise. But… I don’t know… was I supposed to ignore what just happened? Was I to ignore the sudden ‘memory’ of another kiss? I couldn’t even call that a ‘memory’, it was only a sensation that it had happened.
I had to ask him... I would soon. Not yet though. I didn't want to spoil the moment.
For now, I could only wonder why his lips felt so familiar.
That good feeling was something I hadn't even felt when the woman supposed to be my girlfriend hugged me. But now...
I wanted to be sure whether it was a trick of the mind or something real. If I would feel it again.
Because I had a feeling that Dominic was more than a friend. There was something he wasn't telling me.
I moved forward, so I could feel his soft lips on my own again. And then I felt his arms wrap around my waist.
***
Author: zetastation
Beta/Co-writer: the patient ilurvebelldom
Pairing: Belldom
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: angst and language.
Summary: 'Dominic was there'.
Feedback: Pretty please!!! <3
Disclaimer: I don’t own Muse. This is a work of fiction and it never happened.
Author’s Note: I'M SO SORRY!!! This story hasn't been updated for over a month and I don't even know where I should start to apologize! At first I caught a serious cold, then I found myself extremely busy with uni and work... Tough life... :'( So, please, for those who still remember this fanfic, I beg you for not give up on reading it! I have planned good stuff for the next chapters and I'd love to see you enjoying it. I must thank you all for the awesome feedback on chapter 5! That was the best feedback I've ever received and I just want to thank everyone who's following the series!
This chapter is like a watershed and I hope you like it!
I need to thank my beta/co-writer for this chapter, ilurvebelldom for being as patient as heaven and still able to bear me everytime I go eager, asking her a lot of things. I feel like I also owe you apologizes for my anxiety and I promise you several Dom's pics in your inbox soon :)
I hope it's worth the wait...
Prologue - Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 7 Part A
***
Darkness.
Pain.
Confusion.
Noises.
I didn’t remember anything and I couldn’t say what my last memory was. All I knew is that before that day it was like I never had existed. I couldn’t explain that feeling; it was horrible. The worst part was when I realized I couldn’t move, I didn’t have any control over my own body. How could that have happened?! Why?
I knew I was there but at the same time I felt like I wasn’t there, you know? My body was dead but my mind was alive somehow. I tried to move a finger, I couldn’t. I tried to speak, call someone for help, I couldn’t. I tried at least open my eyes, I couldn’t. I was in a limbo. But I knew there were something happening around me, I could hear people talking, stepping closer and then away from me. I could hear that all.
Would they knew I was awake? Were they helping me?
I had so many questions flooding into my head at that moment and I didn’t have a single answer. It was the worst sensation ever; I couldn’t move and I felt trapped. Suddenly I felt the urge to scream, I was desperate, hopeless. Please, someone help me!
After a few moments of discomfort and despair, what felt like an eternity, someone touched my wrist, lifted it up. What was this person doing?
I willed my body to move! Tried to tell this someone I was alive and that I needed help! The person said something that reached my ears, but I couldn’t understand; the words were confusing, I couldn’t put them together.
When I thought I was about to be left behind, internally weeping again, my eyes opened all of a sudden and for one moment I thought I was blind. There was a bright light above me; it was hurting my sensitive eyes, but I didn’t want to shut them. The gift of vision was too good to be lost again.
Not too long after my body regained a few movements and senses, I saw a face. It was an old man, bald, wearing glasses and a white coat. He was observing me, like he was examining me. A Doctor…? Then my gaze slipped lower onto the scrubs he was wearing. Right, he was a Doctor, which brought me back to the problem. What was I doing at a… Hosp- hospital…? HOSPITAL?! What happened to me?!
“He’s awake!” I heard some woman saying. They were all around me, poking, prodding, asking questions… Someone flashed something in my eyes again, the light hurt and I flinched. It was removed, thankfully, with an apology. Then the questions started in earnest.
I didn’t exactly know what happened then, but the beeping that had been a peripheral noise grew louder and my vision darkened until it all went black.
I passed out.
I came to a while later, this time they were more patient. Ironic, considering the fact that I was the patient there… Questions were thrown at me again. “Are you alright? Can you understand me?” That old man snapped his fingers close to my face to make me pay attention in him. I looked at him. “Sir?” He called me and I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. By nothing, I mean no words came out. My throat felt dry and raw, like it had been stuffed with nails, sand, or something.
My eyes began watering with the force of my coughs. “Bring him water, Helen.” The Doctor commanded and in a few moments, a young woman returned with a glass of water, handing it to the Doctor. “Help him sit up, please.” The woman obeyed and slipped her hands under my back, being as careful as possible and helping my still-sleeping body to lift up. I thought I could collapse at any moment. “Take a sip.”
The Doctor gave me the glass and for the very first time I could see my hands when I lifted them. They were shaking and I lost the grip when tried to grab the glass, but the woman was holding it. Noticing my state, she guided the glass to my lips. I finally could feel the water in my mouth and I gulped it frantically, as if I’ve never had before and my very life depended on this. The sensation of something cool going down my throat was really good and I suddenly found my hands grabbing the glass, this time not losing my grip as the woman released the cup.
Drinking water was a relief. Finally I could speak.
I tried to turn my head to the left, and even though my neck was hurting, I could move it. Thank God… I saw white walls, a chair beside the bed I was and I also saw a door. When I turned my head to the right, I whimpered because of a sharp pain in my neck, but it didn’t take too long. There were a few people in the room; they were walking around, taking notes, talking so much... too loud.
A few more questions and I was too exhausted to do much more. I heard them talk about telling someone about my condition.
Did that mean there was someone out there? Someone who cared?
Until now I'd never thought of it but was I alone? And who WAS I?
Just before they left, the Doctor asked me to sign some papers for them. I took the pen up and scribbled my signature before I realised what I’d just done.
I had signed my own name… Even though I didn’t understand my handwriting, the letters were nearly illegible and I couldn’t distinguish the words. The doctor smiled and took back the pen and papers. I was shocked. I didn’t know who I was but even so I signed my name… A name that I even couldn’t comprehend.
If they were about to tell someone about me, I could only be thankful because someone cared for me… Even if I wouldn’t be able to recognise them if my life depended on it. And that brought me to another problem, the fact that I was going to be a big disappointment. I knew as much as a new born did. About everything. How was I to- Wait, why did the term ‘new born’ sound so familiar, as if it should be something?
Something important…
Would it be related to who I was? Was I a gynaecologist or a midwife by profession?
I was laying there wondering what the hell was it that I did for a living when the nurse came in and told me I had visitors. Yes, visitors, plural. She asked if I wanted to see them. Desperate to feel like I wasn’t alone and people cared, I agreed immediately.
“Doctor Walker thinks it’d be better if you get ready to your visits and also because you need to undergo a few tests. So, I will show you the bathroom so you can take a shower, okay?”
She helped me get up and I felt my legs shake under my weight. She held one of my arms and put it around her shoulder, helping me to walk to the bathroom. After a few steps I started to feel my legs properly again, stepping on my own even though I kept struggling to put one foot in front of the other. She also helped me showering me, since I felt too weak and couldn’t move properly. My back was hurting like hell and I felt a bit dizzy. I would probably pass out again soon.
When the shower was finished, the nurse gave me clean clothes and left the bathroom. I tried to dress me up but I had serious problems with the buttons of my shirt and trousers, so I called the woman again. In a few minutes, I was finally ready to see my… Friends…? Should I call them ‘friends’?
I returned to my bed and waited for a while, but when my visitors entered the room, I felt an overwhelming sense of… Disappointment.
Irrational, I know.
Something, or rather, someone was missing.
There was a man with balding blond hair, another taller one who was brunet and had kind friendly hazel eyes and a curled haired man who had an air of humour about him. They introduced themselves as Morgan, Chris and Tom, respectively. Chris seemed to have taken the lead, unsurprising, as there was something paternal about him; something comforting and reassuring.
But I wasn’t comforted in the slightest.
Someone wasn’t there… Why hadn’t they come?
Why was I even bothered?
This person (if they even existed) didn’t care.
Why did someone to whom I didn’t matter mean so much to me?
Lost in my thoughts I didn’t really hear much of what they said. Oh, and they were referring to me as ‘Matt’ the whole time. At some point they mentioned music and muses and something about a car accident… But I wasn’t listening. Instead of paying attention to what they were saying, what should be important, I was listening to raised voices outside my room.
“I waited for almost two months to see him awake; of course I’m fucking sure!” I didn’t know why but I smiled secretly. He was here, and he did care. “And why am I the last one to know?! Why didn’t you tell me before?” It was him. It could only be him.
Once Chris, Morgan and Tom had left I felt guilty but I didn’t have long to lie there and wallow… I had just picked up a book someone had left on my bedside (1984 according to the cover) when I heard ‘his’ voice again.
“I will talk to him now.” On their own volition, my lips turned up in a smile. Finally.
I placed the book on the bedside again and looked away from the door, taking a moment to compose myself, as he entered. That is to say I tried to compose myself, but I couldn’t. When he entered the room, I was kind of… Shaken… I don’t know. He was different from the guys who had just visited me.
And then I heard him saying “Hi” as he stepped closer my bed.
Oh, that voice…
Time stood still for one moment, or a day or even a bloody week when we locked eyes. We just stared at each other as if meeting for the first time. And in a way, maybe we just were…
He was blond and had interesting stormy grey eyes. Even though they looked tired, as the dark circles below his eyes confirmed his exhaustion, they were beautiful and with a beautiful colour. I’d never seen eyes as beautiful in my life.
I didn't need my memory to know they were the clearest, most striking eyes I'd ever... Well, laid eyes on.
I could have said his was a face I knew as well as my own, except I didn’t even know how I looked.
“Who are you?” I found myself asking him. Damn it! That wasn’t the way I wanted to talk to him. Now he must be thinking I was afraid of him. I wasn’t. But somehow I felt scared of the situation we were in. I didn’t know who he was, but I felt like I knew him.
Something about him made me feel like I could trust him with my life. And I didn't even know him.
It’s scary, you have no idea!
“I am Dominic James Howard.” He said.
At least now the ‘someone’ had a name.
He tried to tell me just what the others had- and this time I actually listened; he said I could trust Chris, Morgan and Tom, he gave me my identity and I found that my name was Matthew James Bellamy and would be 32 years old in three months. He said we had met when we were 14, in high school and that we had a band named Muse. At that time, I supposed we played at bars or something and made enough to scrape by somehow, so it was a pretty expensive hospital for me to be in... He also confirmed that I was on a car accident with him, poor guy…
And when he was about to tell me more, a weird woman came in. Not weird, she was quite pretty, but still, I didn’t know her. Or I thought I didn’t. She looked really worried and hugged me tightly babbling incoherently, but my eyes never left Dom’s, seeking reassurance. I must be someone important to her. When she left the room, Dom told me she used to be my… Girlfriend…
‘Used to be’? Did it mean we had broken up?
I didn’t feel like I had a girlfriend and she didn't concern me at that moment. Dominic did. I couldn’t help asking him “Are you my brother?” because surely that’d explain how I felt all of a sudden.
His face reflected absolute shock at that.
Okay. Maybe not brother then. But why did I feel like I did? Like a major part of my life, a major part of ME was back and everything would be alright.
Then he had smiled at me and I felt something warm in my heart. I felt safe.
And that sense of safety scared me.
Here was a man I didn’t know, walking in and making me feel… Safe…?!
He could’ve been an axe murderer for all I knew! Or worse! An… Alien!!! Anything.
But no. He said he was my best friend.
My best friend.
I'm sure he's the best thing I've ever had.
***
Three long days have passed since Dominic met me. I underwent some more tests to make sure there was nothing wrong with me. Wait, there was something really wrong with me! Just to make sure they wouldn't find anything worse…
In the meanwhile, I finally could see myself. There was a mirror in the bathroom, a mirror that I hadn't noticed until then. My hair was a mess; I was brunet, had (mesmerizing) blue eyes and was extremely pale, probably because I wasn't exactly at my healthiest.
I touched my face, feeling every patch of skin and the bones beneath it. I noticed I had interesting cheekbones (pretty sharp. I liked them) and a cleft on my chin; my nose was a little wonky, almost like a bird’s, and my lips were thin.
Deciding to get a better look in the whole ‘me’, I realized I was skinny and short. I looked at my hands and found I had long fingers. I kept exploring my physical features for a few minutes and concluded that I was not bad at all! But I needed to check something else out before I could say that for sure. Hm, let’s just say that I smiled in satisfaction when I looked inside… My trousers.
So, back to the main subject, on the third day I came back home along with Dominic. I got a little scared when I saw security guards surround us right before we left the hospital. I had no idea what they were going to do... Dominic sensed my worry and he told me they would help us to leave safely.
And so I began to wonder why we need safety… Millions of thoughts went through my head and I only focused on the worst: was there someone trying to kill us?! Oh, shit! Why?! Maybe the car accident was on purpose… Maybe someone actually tried to kill both of us, Dominic and I, whilst we were on a ride?!
But when I realized they were protecting us from photographers, I calmed down a bit. So… It meant that I was famous, hmm? Interesting… Maybe we didn’t play only at bars… Despite the idea of being famous, I was truly terrified because of the amount of cameras and media cars outside the hospital. And, I don’t know why, but when we got in the car and began to, practically, run away from the media, I thought we were on a chase! I had to admit, it was a bit fun.
Well, after the chase and the change of cars, we arrived at my house and I was really surprised when I entered. I looked at everywhere and wondered whether I was rich.
Initially, when Dominic had told me that we had a band, I thought it was a garage band, but considering the amount of expensive furniture and objects inside my house (which, by the way, was pretty big), the ‘paparazzi’ and those safety guards, I could only conclude that we were at least a bit famous.
He told me to explore my house, but I only wanted to check a specific place, the kitchen. I found something interesting there, a pack of something called ‘Pasta’, and I suddenly felt the urge to taste that even though I had no clue if I had ever liked it. Dominic looked really happy when he saw what I was holding in my hands, so I deduced that pasta must have been something important to me, or at least something I used to like.
Dominic was extremely kind to me and cooked some spaghetti to us. That was freaking delicious! That was the day I found my love for Italian food (even though I had tasted only one dish). How could I had forgotten that wonderful food?!?! Just- HOW?! I wished I could eat that every day for the rest of my life! Spaghetti was the best!
While we were eating, Dominic told me another fact about my past. He looked so nostalgic talking about that… I wish I could remember what he was telling me, but I couldn’t…
Well, at least I could remember something in that same day; something about Dominic. I recognized his house, I mean, I recognized the place but didn’t know who lived in there. Still, I could remember that, it was a good thing! But nothing was better than when I recognized Hendrix, Dominic’s Boston terrier. I knew his name and I knew I had given him to Dominic as a gift. I didn’t know if it was a birthday gift or what. Still, I had remembered something important and I didn’t even know how! I was shocked but happy at the same time! I didn’t know what to do.
But Dominic hugged me.
He hugged me and I felt safe again… That was a familiar feeling. I felt so safe that I even hugged him back. I could hug him for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t even mind.
This thought scared me a lot…
Was this just friendship?
Who was Dominic really? Only a friend?
Or… Something more?
***
I heard a few songs of our band, Muse.
Dominic told me that I was nothing less than the freaking frontman of the band! I was the lead singer, guitarist, pianist, lyricist and composer. I couldn’t believe I was the one who had created what I was listening to, that was too good to be me, playing and singing.
That was not me… That was, unfortunately, the old Matthew Bellamy…
Dominic was telling me about our albums, about what each one of us did in the band…
A few minutes before we get home again, he also mentioned a ‘Queue’ and someone's ‘Enemy’ winning awards. Best band in the world. And he was laughing about sexiest male. I assumed he was describing himself for some reason.
I had other concerns on my mind back then.
I’ve spoiled everything. I couldn’t do any of that anymore, I was sure of it… But Dominic just kept saying how good I was, how brilliant my compositions were, how fantastic my skills… He used all possible adjectives to describe who I used to be.
Too bad, I wasn’t that incredible man anymore.
I was Matthew James Bellamy, who'd lost his memory, who didn’t know even how to button his shirt or trousers. How could I play any instrument?
I was a shame.
I was going to disappoint everyone around me…
We finally arrived at my place again, but I couldn’t get that thought out of my mind. I was definitely troubled.
It was already night, I felt pretty tired and just wanted to sleep, but before that I planned to take a shower. I didn’t know what would I do without Dominic. You know, I still had that problem with the freaking buttons of my clothes! I tried my best to do that on my own, but I couldn’t and finally asked Dominic for help. At first I didn't think it was a bad idea, but on my way to his room I felt incredibly shy. That was our first day together and I was already asking him to… Eh… Unbutton my clothes… I felt awkward and with all the reasons, even though I still think that I could trust him even for a… Weird task like that.
But he did it.
I unconsciously held my breath when he began to unbutton my shirt; I could feel my heart racing when I felt his fingers brushing my chest that was being exposed. I even shivered! Why did I feel like that?
Dominic was careful…
Just before he finished unbuttoning my shirt I found myself staring at him, thoughtfully, musing about him. I wish I could remember everything about Dominic. He was definitely someone important to me, more than only a good friend. I could feel it…
He cared about me… More than anyone else.
Dominic even helped me to take a shower when I couldn’t move properly because of my back! But it was different from when that nurse helped me with the same thing. He was… Different… He treated me different, I felt different, everything was ‘different’.
The way his hands were running over my back whilst massaging me… His touch, his closeness… That was too intimate for two men, but I felt like I could trust him, again. The sense of safety never left me when Dominic was around.
He was ‘home’.
Or so I thought before what happened later that night…
***
That was too good to be true, things were going extremely well between us and even the awkward moments were somehow ‘good’. Dominic made me a beverage called hot cocoa (which was incredible!) and then he sat me in front of the piano, telling me to play.
It was too much to process at once. I suddenly realized the sheer amount of people who relied on me. What if I never got my memory back? Where would they go? How would they earn? How would they live? We had such a great life, for all that I've seen till now, and they depended on me to keep living like that.
I’m not only talking about material things, I’m talking about everything! It would be like being fired or something! I was sure they could work on something else, but… Of all I heard about us, we were great together, both as friends and as a band. I didn’t want to disappoint them all and make them give this life up. Our lives were connected and each one depended on another.
I needed to get myself together. In that moment, I realized I needed to remember everything.
But I wasn’t ready yet.
I really had spoiled everything.
I couldn’t play.
And I needed Dominic to support me. Not push me.
We had both failed.
***
I felt really bad on the following day. I had fought with the only person I’d trusted for real and for the very first time since I met Dominic, I didn’t feel safe. I was mad at him! I told him I couldn’t play that bloody piano and he pushed me, pushed me and pushed me until I finally burst of anger and disgust.
The only thing I did when he tried to apologize was ignore him. I knew I was wrong in giving him a cold shoulder, but Dominic wasn’t right either. He made me a truly delicious breakfast and I didn't even thank him. I realized he was pissed off with me when he told me that he was going to get the groceries. He just wanted to stay away from me for a while.
What I have I done?
The person who cared so much about me now wanted a time away from me…
Ironic… And sad.
I didn’t know what to do without him when he was out. I was in my own house but I didn’t know it yet, so I decided to do what Dominic had told me to yesterday.
I explored it.
I found a few interesting things. In my bedroom, inside a jewel box, I found a chain with a black guitar pick as pendant. There was nothing written on it. I didn’t know why that caught my attention. I decided to wear it, hiding the pendant under the collar of my shirt. Should that be something special? Why would I keep it into a jewel box?
Time passed by and Dominic still hadn’t returned. I had nothing to do but think. It was only my mind and me. Was what I did right? Should I keep treating him this way? Who should apologize first, him or me?
I had the urge to tell him everything I was thinking at that moment. Dominic wasn’t there, but Hendrix was. The poor dog listened to me for hours as I confided all my feelings in him, how disappointed I was with myself, how angry I was with Dominic.
I even cried, for God’s sake!
I was broken…
It wasn't long before Dominic finally came back home. I thought it would be a good opportunity to tell him how I felt, but then I acted stupid again and ended up telling him to not follow me.
I was confused…
It didn’t take too long for Dominic to decide to go out again.
Stupid me! Stupid meee!!!
I didn’t know what to do, again! I needed someone I could talk to. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream. I was lost without him. I picked up the telephone and dialled the first number that came in my head; I didn’t even know whose was it.
But it was Dominic’s number.
I froze when I heard his voice. I hung up because I was a coward.
How the hell did I call him?! I wasn’t supposed to remember any number.
Soon he was back again. Calling my name, making it echo through the entire house. “Matthew!” He kept screaming until he found me in my bedroom. I had no idea how I had the guts to act cold again. What was I doing?! I’d promised myself I would finally make it up to him! Why was I being so bloody stupid again?!?!
He shouted at me, and I can’t blame him for it. He said that he had heard what I told Hendrix, that he was hurt, that he tried his best to make it up to me. But I wasn’t helping. I was stubborn.
Then he went to his bedroom.
***
I felt sad, hopeless. I had no one to talk to, no one to turn to for help. I had driven away the only one who cared my silliness, my childishness. I had spoiled everything again…
There was nothing I had left to loose and suddenly I found myself sitting on the piano bench. That bloody instrument made me fight with Dominic. That bloody instrument was one of the reasons to Dominic and I had even met. That bloody instrument was where I used to make music. That bloody instrument was where I used to be ‘me’.
My heart was aching, my chest was burning and so was my throat. Tears blurred my vision.
Don’t freak out right now, you idiot!
I wiped my eyes and placed my fingers over the ivory keys.
Did I believe in God? You know, before the accident? But as my fingers pressed the keys, creating a harmonic melody I began to believe in some higher power.
There had to be an explanation! I couldn’t just have started playing again all of a sudden. That would be ridiculous; I still can’t explain just what happened in that moment. The only thing I knew was that I was playing the piano again. A part of me was back.
I just kept playing, pressing the keys. I didn’t know the song, or I couldn’t remember if I did, but I liked it. It was beautiful and touching. I finished the song but stayed in silence for a moment, appreciating the last traces of the sound echoing in the room. Then I realized Dominic was there.
And he was crying.
“Oh, God! Why are you crying?!”
I stood up and ran towards him, and he wrapped his arms around me. I did the same, to comfort him; just the same way he usually comforted me. He started speaking fast, apologizing actually. Begging me to forgive him. There was no need, I accepted all his apologies.
After all I owed him one too.
“We were both wrong.” I told him.
***
Dominic was still in my arms, his face buried in my neck, his warm breath heating my skin. It didn’t bother me. I finally felt home again.
Dominic was there.
We didn’t say a word during that moment. Words were unnecessary; his presence was all that mattered. I knew he was there for me and I wanted to show him that I would always be there for him too. I didn’t want him to abandon me and I realized I didn’t want me to abandon him either. We were even, we wanted the same thing.
I was so lucky to have him in my life, I was lucky to have him as a… Friend…
I wanted him to tell me everything about us, about our band and our friends of course, but more importantly about him and me. I felt incredibly connected to him and our friendship was something that I wanted to know better.
So much better.
I couldn’t tell for how long we stayed there, in each other's arms and listening to the sound of our breaths. Dominic could probably hear my heartbeats too. But that was not a problem. I confess that I almost felt sleepy as rested my head on Dominic’s.
We were close enough for me to smell his shampoo, cologne and that unique scent I'd come to identify as 'Dom'.
My fingers found their way into his hair, revelling in the silky softness of his blond hair.
I swear I could stay that way till the end of my days and I wouldn't mind. It just felt right. As if that was where I was meant to be. In his arms.
Then I heard him sigh and I couldn’t help smiling, a strange feeling of synchronicity invading me. I could feel his heartbeat through the thin material of his t-shirt.
After what seemed like an eternity, he moved. I felt his hand on my neck as he touched the chain I was wearing. Dominic brushed his fingers slightly over the cold metal and lifted his head.
And that was the moment when… Something happened.
I was sleepy, my head resting on his and we were extremely close. When he lifted his face, our lips met for a second before we pulled back to stare at each other.
Our lips had only brushed against each other’s for a second yet a jolt of electricity passed through me. But that wasn't what made my heart skip a beat or my breath hitch.
No. It was because in that moment it felt so familiar. The feel of his lips, the taste...
It felt like it had happened before.
Had Dom and I kissed before? He told me we were only friends, best friends to be precise. But… I don’t know… was I supposed to ignore what just happened? Was I to ignore the sudden ‘memory’ of another kiss? I couldn’t even call that a ‘memory’, it was only a sensation that it had happened.
I had to ask him... I would soon. Not yet though. I didn't want to spoil the moment.
For now, I could only wonder why his lips felt so familiar.
That good feeling was something I hadn't even felt when the woman supposed to be my girlfriend hugged me. But now...
I wanted to be sure whether it was a trick of the mind or something real. If I would feel it again.
Because I had a feeling that Dominic was more than a friend. There was something he wasn't telling me.
I moved forward, so I could feel his soft lips on my own again. And then I felt his arms wrap around my waist.
***