2x14 Grace Under Pressure

[mspooh]

Yes, I'm still behind. Yes, my recapper-in-crime is still playing in the Sandbox of Real Life. Yes, this is the one where mspooh drinks herself into a stupor. Enjoy. I'm off to chip away at "The Tower" recap now. *twitch*

2x14: "Grace Under Pressure"

The episode is supposedly Rodney-centric, and since everyone -- especially TPTB -- loves McKay, we won't waste precious seconds messing with previouslies. (There are none, anyway.) So here we go.

Jumper. Inside the familiar spaceship, Rodney and Pilot Redshirt are busy doing what they do best. Rodney's running back and forth analyzing data, and Pilot Redshirt is busy trying to wind him up. Apparently, Shep briefed all his men that their duties include 1) Irritating McKay, 2) Annoying McKay, and 3) Mindfucking McKay. I love Pilot Redshirt already; therefore, he must die. The inside of the Jumper looks GINORMOUS in this scene -- it's a freaking double-wide! -- which means we can now lay blame on the Ancients for the population subset stereotypically known as TrailerJumper Trash. Pilot Redshirt is not so subtly mocking The Genius of Rodney McKay, insisting that way, way, way in the future, most of his theories will be proven to be "misguided" and "wrong." Rodney thinks the hypothesis is flawed since Pilot Redshirt is limiting his argument to the last few hundred years. Undeterred, Redshirt's all, "scientists get it wrong more times than they get it right." McKay doesn't even bother to respond so Redshirt offers up the tomato as an example: "You like tomato, and I like tomahto." McKay: "Tomato." Redshirt: "Tomahto." McKay: "Let's call the whole thing off." Offended at being compared to a tomahto, McKay's all, "WTF? SHUT UP." Because I'm from Jersey, I'll take the mentioning of the tomato as a shoutout, thank you very much.

For those of you interested in some tomato history, pay attention to the next couple of lines while I fast forward to McKay mentioning that the PJ Double Wide is on its first flight after major repairs. McKay: "Focus, damn you!" Redshirt: "If something's gonna go wrong, it would have gone wrong by now." You don't have to be a TV junkie to recognize those as Famous Last Words of Self-Jinxing. Sadly, Redshirt doesn't know he just magic-markered his name onto Doom's To Do List as he goes on and on about the "Eye-talians and the Spaniards" and their tomato fetish. Then, HOPEFULLY, just to piss off McKay, he drops a casual "Columbus was Spanish" while McKay reins in his temper to correct him. Redshirt keeps rambling, "You're not Spanish, are you?" That finally sets McKay off: "Oh, yes, of the Barcelona McKays. Now if you don't mind-" PJ Double Wide: *RUMBLE RUMBLE SHAKE SHAKE*

And then McKay's voice brings down the Double Wide. Ay carumba. I know the crash landing into the ocean ripped off bits and pieces of the Jumper, but damn, that Double Wide sank ridiculously fast. Dios mio, that's a whole lot of ocean!

Let's just fast forward through the credits, shall we?

Trashed Double Wide. The two men are sprawled out across the console and the floor, completely out of it. That's not going to stop Zelenka from attempting to contact McKay and Pilot Redshirt, who now has a name (Griffin). Radek's voice has magical reviving powers, and Rodney slowly regains consciousness upon hearing the dulcet tones of his (not so) secret boyfriend. Back in the city, Radek "yay!"s and bounces 10 feet in the air in a public display of glee, all, "You've been out of contact for one really long, angsty hour!" Rodney checks on Redshirt Griffin, who is much slower coming around since it wasn't his boyfriend calling him back from the light. Radek: "Are all your Rodney parts okay?" Rodney: "My Rodney parts need a threesome. Get me Carson!" Which contradicts fanon because he actually wants to be holed up in the Infirmary of Voodoo Magic. Radek completely ignores his wishes and tells him the good news -- okay, well, there really isn't any good news. Radek: "You crashed." Rodney: "Duh." Radek: "Into the deep ocean." Rodney: "ZOMG." Radek: "Do not worry. We can track you...sorta." Rodney: "..." Radek: "We are making educated guesses!" Rodney: "We're doomed!" And then they pull up the HUD to see just where they are. The answer: really deep, and falling really fast. Rodney: "Think. Faster. Damn. You." But Radek's not in the Double Wide, and therefore, not panicking yet, so he takes the time to geek out a "Wheee! This proves our submersible theory!" Which Rodney snaps a "YES, MY THEORY, H0R. I'm not even dead yet, and you're trying to take my credit. Hrmph." And then everything goes to hell because the Double Wide Windshield cracks.

So Rodney grabs Redshirt Griffin and they hobble to the rear compartment. Unfortunately, because this is an action/adventure show and needs some kind of Plot Device of Suspense!, the switch to close the door decides now is a good time to fuck with our two Woobies. As Rodney flails in -- what is it he does so well? oh, yeah, PANIC -- he and Redshirt Griffin play the passive-aggressive 'I'm Blaming You, But Not Really, But Yes, I Totally Am' Game. Redshirt's all, "I have an idea!" He hobbles to the front compartment as Rodney blubbers an "omgwtfdoublewide?!" While McKay is paralyzed in shock, Griffin "Good luck, Rodney"s him (so now all the men are on a first name basis with McKay, hmm?) and punches the switch to seal the compartment. I have to say, as far as ideas go, this one SUCKED ASS. McKay is shocked and horrified, but there's nothing he can do because the next sound he hears through the thick doors is the glass finally giving way and the front compartment being flooded. I don't know, dude. Couldn't they have packed a really long stick or a hard bouncy ball so they could trigger the door switch from the back compartment? I mean, drowning like that has got to be REALLY NOT FUN. And hell, if it were me, I'd take everyone's ass with me. Fuck that sacrifice shit. It's all or nothing, baby.

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A stunned Rodney squeaks an incredulous and pissed, "Why'd he do that? OMGWTFSTUPIDREDSHIRT! You're supposed to wait until TPTB kill you and not actually do the job for them!" And we thought Shep had abandonment issues to deal with in "Epiphany;" he's got nothing on Rodney right now. Left all alone to die slowly, the McKay Woobie glances around the compartment, still in shock, all "I am soooooo screwed." He squeezes his eyes shut and mumbles the there's no place like home mantra while clicking his ruby red heels together. Of course, nothing happens, but once he's calm enough to face his inevitable doom -- you know, inevitable, if he didn't have that special "and David Hewlett as Dr. McKay" billing at the end of the opening credits -- he contacts Radek, who's too busy seducing Carson (or Ronon?) to bother answering his cry for help. Or maybe he's just not responding because the radio transmitter was in the forward compartment. I kind of like my interpretation better, so we'll leave it at that.

Anyway, as the gravity of his situation sinks in, Rodney spends a gazillion hours talking to himself. First dooming himself, then getting weepy about the impossible situation, and finally giving himself a firm pep talk. As much as DH is awesome in conveying a range of emotions without the need for another person to play off (see: "Duet"), it's really fucking boring to recap. It's times like these that I wish mylittleredgirl was ready to take over for a recap or two so I could have foisted this one on her. But I shall persevere (and for those of you who know how I really feel about McKay, please send happy thoughts and gifts my way, kthxbye). Rodney verbally smacks himself into focus, all "Baby steps, omg." And just to save myself from making this the -- what? -- third consecutive recap where I reference Galaxy Quest's famous line (it's not my fault they play this every weekend on basic cable!), I'll just skip to the part where he uses the glow from his data pad to search the compartment for a flashlight. Rodney: "Let there be light." And then there was. Now that he can see, he can properly freak out because he's all alone and DOOMED!

Land, ahoy! Well, if you count a floating city as land. Lizzie, Shep, and Radek pedeconference into her office, discussing Rodney's predicament. Lizzie is under the impression that the Double Wide can sustain life for a few days, making Rodney's woes less of an Emergency of Oh Noes than a Minor Setback of Whatever. Radek corrects her because the geeks never calculated for, oh, REALLY FAST SINKING and a busted cockpit. Shep assumes that's when they lost radio contact with the two men, and Radek dooms and glooms an "if they made it to the rear compartment." Shep doesn't like the qualifier 'if,' and PapaBear firmly states, "They made it." Oh, such optimism and faith. *pets him* MamaBear's taken back by his conviction, but she nods in agreement because today's lesson is "always think positive thoughts, no matter what." Having not learned any of his More You Know shooting star lessons, Radek -- with his really hot Facial Scruff of Worry -- keeps dooming and glooming that without the radio broadcasts, it'll be harder to locate them in the Big Bad Sea of Ancient Evilness. Lizzie insists that he "find another way," because surely, with all the cool Ancient gadgets at hand, they could certainly pinpoint Rodney's location without something as lo-fi as radio signals. And now it's PapaBear's turn to eyefuck, I mean, agree with MamaBear. I love when marriages work so well. *LALALA* Radek continues with the realistic fact that their options are limited what with the Double Wide exceeding maximum depth for a Jumper. This news doesn't sit well with Shep, who can't understand why Radek is being so defeatist when his boyfriend is out there. Shep's all, "I'll head Team Rescue; you lead Team 10-20." And then he turns to Lizzie and confides that he's already got ideas. Wheeee! I love when Shep has ideas and is all Really Gorgeous Brainiac instead of Silly Man-candy. MamaBear pushes them out of the room so they can save their people.

Deep blue sea. So far, McKay's ridiculously calm, treating his wounds first before ranting and raving about other more pressing things. The Double Wide continues to sink at an alarming rate -- which Rodney reminds us by spewing out a whole bunch of numbers that have to deal with rates of descent, atmospheric pressure, smart physics thingies, etc. However, since Rodney has yet to impress me with his math skills (see: "Epiphany") -- and trying to do all the calculations myself to double check his might kill me -- we're going to move on and pretend like he's a human calculator and his batteries are actually working this time. To summarize: that's a lot of pressure he's under. Literally. The first thing he does is prioritize his bullet point list of things he must do to survive this episode. Item #1: send a message demanding aid. Item #2: slow down the Double Wide's sink rate. Item #3: cry, wibble, panic. He alligator clips a bunch of doodads to the data pad in order to interface with the Double Wide so he can start checking things off his list of Very Important Steps For Survival at 50 Gazillion Feet of Water. Emergency transmitter? Check. Signal boost? Working on it. Except D'OH! There's only 3 hours of power left. DOOM! Instead of MacGyvering an emergency generator using the batteries in his flashlight, McKay gripes at the Double Wide. Obviously, it's the Jumper's fault he's in this predicament. Hateful Double Wides! In order to conserve power, McKay attempts to shut down inertial dampeners. Jumper: "Haha." McKay: "Shut down, stupid technology!" Jumper: "You are so screwed." McKay: "OMG, I really am fucked." He then bitchsmacks his data pad around. Understandable. I often do that with my laptop when we're having a difference of opinion. Since contacting Dell technical support is out of the question, Rodney finally comes to a realization: "I'm gonna die." Gee, I wonder what gave him that idea. And then he woobies us out of the scene.

Team 10-20. In the lab, Zelenka leads his geeks in a rousing round of drunken Where's Rodney?. But there's a catch. Isn't there always? Seems like ocean currents could have punt-kicked the Jumper to the other side of the world. Or something. This is all kind of boring, and makes me think that instead of finding Waldo, we should probably be looking for Carmen Sandiego. We're introduced (barely) to a Dr. Bryce, who happens to be mute. Seems Dr. Bryce has discovered that the area the Jumper was last seen has a depth ranging from Oh Fuck to that of Seriously Fucking Fucked. Dr. Bryce might have snagged a name, but it's the nameless dude who's all, "Eight jigazillion feet of water?!" Radek's all, "Focus! We can't let them reach those depths. Besides, they will be crushed into itty bitty compact mini-McKay and mini-Griffins by then, and it won't matter." Dr. Bryce actually does have a voice, but I'm over this scene. As is Radek, who tells them all to get to it. So they do.

Ocean of Woe. Brrrr. The temperature inside the Double Wide is conducive for hypothermia. Woobie realizes, "D'OH! I'm surrounded by an entire ocean of freezing water!" He slaps himself silly for being an idiot, then talks to himself (has he stopped once?) as he turns up the heat. People, I am dying here. Seriously, recapping a person talking to himself is FUCKING BORING. God, this worst than recapping the headache of "Duet" and the supa-slashiness of "Trinity." In fact, I am so bored right now, I almost tried to figure out the programming code scrolling down McKay's data pad just to see if it made sense. Anyway, Rodney dials up the thermostat to a temperate Somewhere Above Wicked Freezing. The downside: it's taken a pretty big chunk out of his remaining power. Of course, this sends him into another ranting frenzy. "Is this really how you want this to go down? You want me to freeze to death? You sure you wouldn't rather I imploded with you -- you, you, lemon!" Double Wide Lemon: "..." McKay shakes his data pad, because that always works. "Do you even have an opinion, you-- No. Why? Because you're an inanimate object." Double Wide Lemon: "Er, dude? I'm up here. That data pad is just a lame representation of my evil awesomeness." And then McKay looks up, demanding to know "Does that stop me from talking to you? Oh nononononono, my inanimate friend. Because I have been struck upon the head, you see." As funny as this passage is, I'm kinda wishing someone would strike me in the head; this episode would be much more fun to recap while unconscious. Or heavily medicated. Which reminds me -- I need another drink.

Rodney fondles his data pad for a few more seconds, and the Double Wide Lemon gives back half of his lost time in exchange for just enough heat to keep him chilled but not frozen. Then, because his brain now has the consistency of a frozen margarita (mmm, margarita...) and he can no longer think in Rodney-logic, he starts to find the word "deal" freaking hilarious. Cue: random weird cutting of footage to make him look all crazy and shit. There's psycho-giggling and snorting and then some crying. I'm pretty sure that's just me. He finally worries a "That's not funny. What's wrong with me?" The world would love to know. I could probably write up a thesis to answer it for him, except I'm in a time crunch and already fear for my sanity. Rodney surmises that his symptoms -- euphoria, elation, over-confidence -- all mean he's suffering from hypoxia. Eeek! He tries to dial up the carbon dioxide scrubbers and then crazy-giggles us into a fade.

Lantis. Some nameless extra is welding something or other as an interpretive dance of what the inside of my brain feels like right now. As Shep's disembodied voice is heard off-screen, Lizzie comes around the corner, looking around curiously. She enters the only Jumper there to see Shep giving out orders. Lizzie: "Zomg?" Shep: "Ah, my sekrit plan of awesome!" And then he finger-porns her. No lie. Lizzie: "Der." Together, they exit out of the Jumper, and Shep outlines his Plan of Awesome. The ingredients that make up the Plan of Awesome? A little of this; a little of that -- all borrowed from various off-world mission supplies. For example, some people or other brought "a thousand foot cable and a pretty powerful winch." Except Shep pronounces it as "a pretty powerful wench," which makes an odd kind of sense seeing how this is ShepKirk's plan. He must have been hiding this one in his closet, seeing how all the other Shep!wenches we've been introduced to were fragile-looking enough that even McKay could break them in half with his pinky. I feel sorry for the woman if Shep plans on making her haul a thousand feet of cable. Lucky for Shep, he's OH SO VERY PRETTY which makes forgiving him so ridiculously easy. Much like Shep himself. He hand-porns some guy who's in charge of the magnetic grapple design that was initially developed for lowering F-302s into the Jumper bay, but Lizzie doesn't need the minute details of the Plan of Awesome to be spelled out for her. She's smart enough to guess that Shep plans on marrying the wench to the grapple so they can live happily ever after. Lizzie: "You plan on putting the two together." Shep: "I've had my way with her already... er, I mean, yes, like chocolate and peanut butter." Hee! God, he's just so dorky, he's gorgeous. Henceforth, Sparky parts will be known as Chocolate and Peanut Butter. Just give me a second to figure out who's what, and according to the file cabinet of really dirty things in my brain... I'm thinking of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup commercials where Shep's chocolate bar ended up buried in the smooth creaminess of Lizzie's peanut butter. Or um... wait, are there young 'uns reading this? *eeps*

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There's more discussion regarding the Plan of Awesome, but I'm too busy staring at these two really gorgeous people before me. I mean, seriously gorgeous. With such pretty eyes. And they're standing ridiculously close to each other. If they were to make babies right now, all multiple-birth kids would be ridiculously gorgeous. Laws of nature would be broken by a Reese's Pieces coupling, yo. Also, Shep's wearing the Black Shirt of Yum and there's an incredible amount of neck porn going on. Shep gives her a timetable of a few more hours before Team Grappling Wench is ready to go. Lizzie happies and arches the Eyebrow of Totally Whipped by teasing him about how he and Rodney "have been bugging me for the chance to try the Jumper as a submersible. You sure went a hell of a long way to get me to say yes." And because Shep is even more whipped and wrapped around her pinky than she is around his, he cutely reminds her that "You still haven't said it yet." He touches her to emphasize their awesome rapport. (He totally does, OMG!) She smiles adorably at him, all "I just did." Hee! CUTE! And then Shep skips back to into the Jumper. (Shep: *Skip!* Everyone: *Drink!*) He stops on the ramp and turns back to her, remembering Team 10-20 and asks how Zelenka's doing. While finger-porning her. Lizzie skips off herself to find out. Yay Team Spirit! Oh. It was brought to my attention that there are sparks flying behind our Sparky as they converse. It's a heck of a stretch to declare that an intentional shoutout, even with my crazy imagination, but everyone who wants to should feel free to squee loudly, if inclined. Yes.

20,000 Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. The hypothermia and the hypoxia are making McKay pant like he just finished a few sweaty rounds with [insert butt partner of choice (who is not necessarily male, mind you)]. *las* Luckily, he's decided to get the CO2 scrubbers working. No more freaky-ass giggling from him. Yay. McKay focuses on saving himself again, and how much do I love that he's sitting on the floor with his data pad on his lap, because that's exactly what I'm doing right now -- ass on the floor, back to the couch, knees up, lappy on my lap. Heh. So now you know how I recap. For once, I feel an actual kinship with the Geekster. It won't last, don't worry. Rodney pleads with the Double Wide, and probably with whatever God he prays to -- you know, other than himself. "I need to be the one on the surface saving the poor bastard stuck down here, not actually be the poor bastard stuck down here." He has a point, but TNT isn't the only channel that knows Drama. Though, Rodney should really reconsider the Jumpers' love/hate relationship with him. Last time he played the role of Poor Bastard, he was stuck in a Jumper, too. Because mocking people who can't defend themselves is calming on his nerves, he does just that: "By the time Zelenka comes up with a plan, I would have died of old age." Pfft, Rodney. Totally not nice to diss Radek like that. Also, Rodney should be smart enough to realize that he'll die of hypoxia and/or hypothermia long before that becomes a concern. Anyway, the possibility of dying of old age is so 2 episodes ago (see: "Epiphany").

A loud rumbling, growling noise resonates off the outer hull of the Double Wide Lemon and, hmm, they haven't gotten around to exploring what's in all that water around the city, have they? Rodney: "OMGWTFMOBYDICK. You're on the wrong show." Scary Sea Creature of Doom: "Rarrrrr." Rodney: *pees his pants* "Friend or foe? Cuz I taste real bad." Moby Dick of Doom: "Rarrrrrr." Rodney realizes that the transmitter must be acting like a dog whistle to the Moby Dick of Doom, who rams the Double Wide Lemon out of annoyance for the distress beacon. And then, since we're mangling our literary and pop culture references, Captain Nemo tells Sea Creature Lassie to go for help and fetch Shep and Zelenka. Realizing how silly he sounds, McKay puts on the Professor Geek persona, asking and answering what the hell he's doing. Answer: "Well, I'm treating an alien whale like Lassie." Lassie: "Woof!" Annoyed, McKay tells the alien whale puppy to either help or go away. While he's screaming at the Lassie Whale, he has an epiphany: maybe the Double Wide can swim. Except how do you navigate a Jumper from the rear compartment? From Rodney talking to himself once again, we're informed that all the control conduits are in the rear compartment (convenient) and if Jumpers were meant to be submersible, then their drive pods should function underwater (um...). If all goes according to plan, he can get close to the surface for the emergency transmitter to work its Pavlovian magic on the Sheppard and Zelenka puppies. Rodney is pleased as punch now that he has a possible solution to concentrate on. Awww, too bad this plan of doom will never work. How do I know? Because we're not even at the halfway mark yet. D'oh! Foiled by the episode timestamp.

Lantis. Radek and the geek squad are busy doing something or other. They don't look that busy, actually. Lizzie's all, "Yo, what's up." So Radek shows her (and no, not that). Radek blahblahblahs her, but WITH GRAPHICS OF AWESOME -- which, sadly, is just there for misdirection, for he has learned how to dazzle his superior with pretty visuals, making it appear as if he actually did something really significant when, in reality, he's been sitting on his ass, playing Yahoo Games all day long. Er, not that I have any personal experience with that. Lizzie's much too smart to fall for that ploy. After all, she plays solitaire on her computer, too. She notes that all their "hard work" has actually made it more difficult to locate Rodney. Instead of narrowing their search boundaries to a manageable area, they've increased it to... oh... THE ENTIRE OCEAN. Lizzie: "Exactly what definition of 'progress' are you using?" Radek: "Word meanings aren't static! What's important is that we're no longer guessing! Now we know that the Jumper is DEFINITELY in the ocean. So there." D'oh. Lizzie probably wishes she double checked her List of Geniuses before she put them on the short list to join the expedition. The world's greatest minds, people. Huzzah! Radek tries to namegasm Lizzie -- is this the first time he's called her Elizabeth, or is my brain on selective memory again? -- while throwing in a bit of doom and gloom. Lizzie's having none of it, informing him of Shep's Grappling Wench System. Upon hearing this news, Radek is either trying to control his excitement over the visual of a Wench System or he's pissed that Shep actually had the balls to beat him at the geeking. He doesn't have time to really work out his feelings because Lizzie slaps him with a Whenever Shep's Done With His Plan of Awesome deadline to finish his half of the rescue mission. Radek: "Crap."

Double Wide Nautilus Lemon. Poor Capt. Nemo is having problems with his teeny tiny keyboard of woe. Everything's starting to blur together, and the stink of desperation is permeating the entire rear compartment. So he abracadabras: "I need a new set of eyes." Somehow, a Playmate of the Month magically appears in the Double Wide, and by Playmate, I mean Rodney's idea of a Playboy Bunny -- Sam Carter. Rodney: "Er... wtf?" Carter: "Yoohoo, over here." So McKay turns around, and wouldn't you know it? His Playmate's boobs are staring right back at him. Dude, I don't mind admitting that I wouldn't mind a set like that. Anyway... Rodney's not Shep, though, so his eyes don't zero in on the Flashing Cleavage of WooHoo. He's all, "No, seriously, WTF. I'm craaaaaaazy." And Carter's all, "Yeah, I'm totally a figment of your imagination, but the best part? I'm an imagination figment that's here for the sole purpose of squeaking out extra ratings points with all the fanboys who are now switching channels to watch me get wet." OooOOooooOOOOoooOH. Since Carter's been steadily dropping down my List of Characters I Care About in Stargateverse, I have two words: "Whatever" and "Yawn." Yes, you may send hate mail this way.

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Watery Pit of Despair, aka my life right now, considering I have now had to recap two "crossover" episodes in a row -- which I guess is TPTB's punishment to me for mocking them every week. RAR. But I do it out of love! Or whatever. I will say that Carter is looking very pretty in this episode. Or actually, more cute than pretty. *brainfreeze* McKay's all flustered at seeing her, not so much because this has always been a fantasy of his, but because he's certain he's finally gone wacko. Carter just dimples at him. In the face of such overwhelming cuteness, he squeezes his eyes shut and covers his ears, all "lalalalala times infinity." Carter: "Duh. Even I don't have those kinds of magical powers." This, of course, is not what Rodney expected. "Say what?" And Carter's all, "Dude, I'm busy trying to keep Daniel and Cam and Teal'c from having threesomes every episode. I don't have time to come out to the Pegasus Galaxy to help you get back to the butt sex with whoever those slashers are trying to make you do." McKay, being the genius that he is, wonders how the hell he's hallucinating a Pink Power Ranger Carter. The simple answer: the gash on his head. Weird how she says it's bad enough to cause him to start seeing things...a full 16 minutes after he received it. In TV time, that's like an eternity. Carter's reasoning is that Rodney is panicked and scared and lonely and his "subconscious has manifested the one person you know is smarter than you." McKay scoffs at that because Radek is still back on Atlantis. Not that it matters because anytime Carter gets thrown into the equation, we must suffer through a rehash of the age-old boring argument of who's smarter. Rodney smugs a "there's brilliant, and then there's me." And then he finger-porns himself -- double finger-porning himself. Which means... well... he really likes himself. So of course, there's a whole retread of McKay's history on SG-1. *yawns*

Carter poses the question as to why she has magically appeared if she's not smarter than him. That's immaterial. If I were stuck alone in a Death Jumper, I'd probably conjure up a very naked Sheppard and Ronon to play with, who cares how smart they may (Shep) or may not (Ronon) be. *innocent look* Rodney snarks an "I don't know. Maybe one last romp before I die." See? This, of course, offends Carter, who won't admit to having ever sexed up McKay in Daniel's lab before. So Rodney humors her and corrects himself: "Okay, one first romp, but it's romping that comes to mind. Not your brains, Blondie." Of course not. Maybe something further south. Rodney's all, "Admit it, I am a handsome man..." and he steps up against Blondie. To which Blondie pops his fantasy world by reminding him that because she's a mental creation of his mind, he's technically trying to seduce himself. Rodney: "Ruh roh?" And then he ponders whether having sex with Carter would be considered masturbation or just really sick. Whatever he decides, he's moved onto more philosophical questions, like "What else isn't real?", "Are my readings real?", "What is life?", "Is life, life?", "Did Lorne really flash the control room?", and finally, "Were Shep and Lizzie really in that locked closet for three hours, and if so, why was Shep mooing?" You know, important stuff. Carter: "Snap out of it." So Rodney does, first by pinching himself and then by slapping himself in the face. Wow. I know I've wished to slap him and shake him silly before, but I didn't think he cared enough to actually take care of it himself. Unfortunately, the pain in his head confirms that he is indeed stuck in a sinking Death Lemon and not unconscious in the infirmary under the loving, gentle hands of Doc Beckett. Carter: "Voila! And here I am. To help you." Rodney's all, "Okay, that makes sense, even if it doesn't bode well for my mental state." And then he attempts something equivalent to a Sparky Eyefuck of Impending Doom. Carter, having been stuck on SG-1 without Jack for two seasons, has forgotten the intensity that comes with such an eyefuck and is so overcome by her love for Rodney that she breaks first and steps away, snapping him out of his fantasy world so they can look over the data he's collected so far. Because data analysis is like geek foreplay.

Office of Geeky Angst. Shep's staring at a topography map of the ocean and praises Radek for narrowing down the possible Rodney-finder range from All Of The Ocean to a measly, perfectly searchable 3 miles. Now that he's pinpointed the location of their head geek, Radek can dwell on more important things: "He's too deep." And Shep, with his fiery competitive nature, assures him, "My wench can go deeper." Er... must remember not to cheese any porn jokes out of nowhere. Unfortunately, there is a limit to how much anyone can go down, which Radek points out. Lizzie joins in the fun, asking what if Rodney's gone deeper. Radek glooms that Rodney can go down like no one's business, and he's probably already surpassed the threshold for recovery and... wait a minute, am I even recapping the episode anymore? Damn tangents. Okay, back to work... Lizzie takes the deep breathe of "Oh, fuck, that's deep. Rodney is so screwed." Obviously, she wasn't paying attention to the hand-to-chin porn that Radek (has he always worn a bracelet before?) is doing because then she'd be all "McKay? Who the fuck is that, and why do we care?" Damn, Radek, the scruff is looking mighty hot on you. Not to mention, the lab coat is pretty hot, too. And then Shep gets in on the hand porn action by finger-porning Radek. Rawr -- not to the Sheppard/Zelenka, but to all the hand porn in general that's been occurring throughout this episode. Anyway, back to the Rescue Mission of Awesome. Shep asks if Radek can invert the Jumper's cloak into a shield, the exact opposite of what they did for the city's shield back in "The Siege, Part 3." Lizzie looks like she's about to jump over her desk and pounce on him, because Smart on Shep is almost as sexy as Naked on Shep. Almost, but let's face it, we all know which one we'd prefer. She's impressed with his Brain -- the one under the mess of sticky-uppy hair. He's all, "Eh, all in a day's work."

Radek's more concerned that while doable, it'll not only be a huge drain on the Jumper's powers but will also take hours to configure. And excuse me for another aside, but Jumpers need to be recharged since when? Dumb. Shep doesn't think this is a deal breaker and insists they can work on it en route to the Depths of Compression Hell. He glances over at Lizzie for her approval, and she gives it, if the happy eyefuck and the oh-so-cute smiling and nodding is any indication. Hee. She's ADORABLE, OMG. Radek's not quite as cute, stammering out what basically amounts to an emphatic "No." Stunned, because everyone thought Radek's love for Rodney was so pure and true, Lizzie scolds a disappointed "Radek!" with the disapproving MamaBear face of We Need to Play Nice. Radek flails that he "can't even swim," to which PapaBear reminds him firmly that "there's not a lot of swimming under a 1000 feet of ocean." Yeah, Radek, you'd die first from a horribly slow death before you got very far anyway. Lizzie tries to regain control of the situation, informing Radek that "I'm not going to order you to go." Shep interjects with a categorical "I will." And then PapaBear and MamaBear share a So Married Look, where MamaBear wins with the 'Honey, I thought I was the one handling the discipline on this one' arch of her eyebrow. Poor Radek is fidgeting nervously because he'd rather clean his room and eat his spinach than risk drowning. Also, he knows how calculating both Parental Bears are and that there is no way he's getting out of this one. True to the power of all MamaBears who are skilled in the art of manipulating their kids into doing things they'd rather not, she lays on the guilt trip: "All I'm saying is, if Rodney can't count on you, who can he turn to?" Well played, MamaBear. He takes a few minutes to ponder this rhetorical question, possibly thinking about how he'll be forced to replace Rodney on Team Sheppard if Rodney dies. His decision made, he's all, "Fine. Like you didn't already know I'm scared of both of you." He then sulks out of the room, much like all children when they see the Parentals begin the Ritual of Eyefuck (and Eyebrow) with each other -- not quite as traumatic as walking in on your parents having sex, because here, at least, you're forewarned and allowed time to flee.

The broken Double Wide. Shit happens. Or, rather, McKay and Carter are getting close and cozy. The Double Wide Nautilus is, sadly, falling apart. McKay runs through his plan again and again and again. Then Carter poops all over it by declaring it an Idea of Suck because it'll drain most of the remaining energy. What she doesn't know is that unlike her character on SG-1, TPTB all want to have McKay's butt babies and, therefore, would never kill him off in such a boring way. In an unexpected twist of maturity, Rodney accepts that he'll just die if his plan doesn't work. Of course, this is where one would normally expect him to clarify that he doesn't think his plan will fail EVER, omg, but he's actually quite calm and realistic about the whole situation. Awww. So Carter bitchsmacks him. Or something. I've actually stopped paying attention because all the talking is putting me into a coma. Rodney snarks an irritated, "Oh, duh, what the fuck was I thinking? I'll just use one of the other hundreds of options available to me." And then he bitchsmacks Carter back. Except not, and when the hell will there be We're Gonna Die Sex? Carter: "Look, I'm not saying I have a better idea." Pooh: "And you thought you were so smart. PFFFT." Carter's Genius Plan: Sit tight and do nothing until Shep and Radek can rescue you. Pooh's Reaction: WTF?! Are you trying to kill me with the BORING? I already feel like I'm stuck in Exposition Hell right now. DO SOMETHING! Rodney: "My, what big eyes you have..." Oh, wait, that's just me being distracted by Carter's huge doe eyes. Seriously, woman, tone those down a bit, will ya?

Meanwhile, Rodney is skeptical about Team Save Rodney's Ass's chances of finding him given all the variables we've already doomed and gloomed about with Radek. Carter: "Duh, TPTB will have written it so you'll be right on the brink of Death Forever and BAM! Team Rescue with their Plan of Lame and Anticlimactic Solutions will show up right at that moment to rescue your soggy bottom." Literally. Rodney snipes that the "one person who can figure it out" is stuck in the Double Wide Nautilus, causing Carter to chirp the expected "Me!" Except I could point out that since she's an extension of McKay, Carter saying she's the only one who can rescue McKay is actually McKay saying he's the only one who can rescue himself, which is exactly what he said before, and... I just confused the fuck out of myself. So we should probably move on. Anyway, McKay's all, "My friends hate me." Carter: "They've dropped everything to save your ass." McKay: "Lizzie brought out the champagne, and Radek's moving into my lab as we speak." This is all very sad and woobieful for Rodney, but since his personality is geared towards insecurity and abandonment issues, I don't really feel as awful about the emotional self-whumping he's putting himself through as I did for Shep back in "Epiphany." McKay's all, "WTF. My own hallucination is mocking me." Carter blahblahblahs something or other, but since he thinks she's as annoying as I do, he gripes an "I can't even hallucinate right today." Word.

Wenched-up Jumper. Shep, the pilot hero of this rescue tale, announces that they're over the search coordinates. Radek bounces into the cockpit from the back and assures him that "it should transition seamlessly." Shep's looking a little too excited to be researching the hypothesis, Jumper: Submersible or Really Bad Idea. "Here goes nothing," he glees, as Radek white knuckle grips the console and the seat in a way that reminds me of the PoohDad taking me out for my first driving lessons. Perfectly freaked. In a SFX that's totally CGI but still looks pretty damn cool, Shep eases the Jumper: Wench into the deep blue sea. Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Fantasy Ship of Doom and Yet, No Sexing, WTF. More shit happens. Okay, actually, this whole scene is kind of funny and it's like déjà vu PoohSiblings. Carter: "Um..." Rodney: "What? What did I do wrong?" Carter: "Er..." Rodney: "No, seriously, tell me, omg." Carter: "I really shouldn't..." Rodney: "TELL ME, H0R!" And of course, just like the PoohBro, it takes him a minute to realize: "You're just messing with me!" Carter: "Who me? It couldn't be." Rodney: "Yes, you!" Carter: "Someone else stole that damn cookie out of the cookie jar." Rodney: "OMGWTFMINDGAMES." Carter: "I AM a mind game, Dumbass." And then they start pulling on each other's hair. Peeved, Rodney takes out the electrical tape and draws a line down the middle of the Double Wide, ordering her to stay on her side of the Jumper. Seriously. I had this same exact argument with the PoohSibs, like, last week. Sick of all the fighting, my mom comes and bitchsmacks all of them into behaving. Or, in this case, the Double Wide finally bounces off some rocky formation, and its descent comes to a complete stop, throwing Rodney off his feet. Carter watches the entertainment, amused. Because neither Ronon nor Teyla are in this episode (OMG, YAY! I totally didn't notice that, like, AT ALL. Which means they're off having lots and lots and lots of alien sex), Carter slips into the Role of Obviousness. "Feels like we hit the bottom," she obviouses. Oh, on any other show, that's good news, but since this is Stargate, Rodney's totally fucked now. Too bad he didn't get the memo; he thinks landing on the bottom is way more preferable to implosion. Good thing Carter's had 9 seasons of this, and he can learn from her experience. She tries to deflate Rodney's happy bubble. He won't hear of it, all but covering his ears, "LALALA"ing and sticking his tongue out at her until she shuts up. Finally broken, he squeaks, "Just... just shut up!" Heh. (Exactly what I've wanted to tell her for the past two seasons, lalala.) Then it's McKay Rant Time: "You come in here. You don't help me. You say the one plan I've got is bad. You-you claim to be a creation of my mind, and yet, you are in no way dressed provocatively." This is the cue for the both of them to stare at her prodigious post-baby chest. Once they've both got an eyeful, she directs his attention to the drip drip drip by the door. Stunned, McKay tries to convince the both of them that the leaking has always been there, but Carter snaps him out of that fantasy world by claiming the "impact with the ocean floor must have created a microfissure in the hull." Don't you hate when that happens? Rar. Now faced with the undeniable DOOM, Rodney does a slow burn freakout by obviousing, "We're taking in water." Aww, I think his brain just imploded in his head. Poor woobie.

Yellow Grey Submarine. Hey! I didn't know Jumpers came with searchlights! Shep contacts Atlantis. Lizzie, of course, has been staying up waiting for them. "We can barely hear you, John." [I've been worried about you, John. Oh, and Zelenka.] Shep: "We're going to lose you when we get deeper, so now is a good time to wish us luck." [We might die, so we should say our goodbyes now.] Back in the control room, Lizzie angsts a "Good luck then." [Not so fast. You better come back.] Shep tells her that "we'll contact you when we head back to the surface blah blah blah." [When I get back, we're totally having the 'You're Safe!' sex.] Radio transmissions start breaking up the deeper they go, but Lizzie slips in a "Will do" [Duh.] before they cut off completely. Then Sgt. Chuck, who's been sitting quietly at the console, turns around and tries to eyefuck Lizzie. I would, too, so I don't blame him. Is our gal wearing new pants? They look different today.

Back in the Jumper, Shep's face is bathed in blue light. Damn PTB, trying to make me fall in love with this episode just by waving around blue-lit Sheppard. But god, this man is HAWT. He's also such a kid in a candy shop, gaping out the window, all, "Omg, Radek! Lookit!" Radek obliviouses a "Huh?" So Shep fills him in (NOT that way, omg), his voice full of hushed awe -- "We're underwater!" -- that makes me really (no, seriously, really) want to molest him right now. As Lizzie pointed out earlier in the episode, Shep's been waiting a long time to test out the Jumper's submersible properties, but Radek's not too impressed, all, "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just don't get us crushed under all this water." So Jacques Cousteau levels out the Jumper at a respectable non-imploding depth, and they pause to check if Rodney's blipping on the scanner yet. Radek: "Eh. Just sporadic life signs." Shep: "Er... omgwtfseamonsters?" In answer to his stupid question, they hear a lot of funky noises outside. Shep wets his pants, but not before encouraging Radek to get the damn shields up already. Radek: "Shut up." And then Shep shuts up. Hee. I love that Radek can get away with telling both Lizzie and Shep to STFU without being punished with the Eyebrow of OhNoYouDi'in't.

Under the sea... Rodney's checking out the extent of the leak, but since the water's reached his freaking KNEES, I'm pretty sure we can say that, yes, there is, in fact, a leak. For all the McKay fangirls out there, he's wet. If you need me to go into details about what to do with that visual, then I'm taking back your Fangirl Cards. Rodney shivers a "Now that implosion has been taken off the table, drowning should really be put back into the equation." So: McKay - implosion + drowning = still very much doomed. The cold is making Carter just as delusional as she assures him that "You can fix this." Rodney: "Who the hell do you think I am? MacGyver?!" According to Carter, he doesn't need a Swiss Army knife, gum, or duct tape to fix this. After all, they still have life support. Carter reminds him of the power of positive thinking. Er, I mean, positive pressure to slow the leak. Rodney's got the negative thinking down to a science, snapping that just slowing the leak will only delay the inevitable. Carter isn't amused by his fatalistic attitude, huffing a "Just max it out, McKay." So McKay grabs the data pad, which has been SITTING IN WATER, and maxes out the pressure. But of course, Carter's not finished yet. "We should heat the water, too." Instead of pimpslapping her for wanting to create a spa during their time of doom, McKay chooses this second to have A Moment of Shippiness: "We make a good team, you and I." Carter gives him the You're a Fucking Psycho Face because McKay's actually telling himself that he and he make a good team. Dude, this is almost as confusing as recapping "Duet." Because he's a genius, he's not saddled by brain whiplash, and therefore, skips right to wondering why they never managed to hook up. Carter: "Other than you're petty, arrogant, and treat people badly?" McKay: "Er... yes." Carter: "Jack." Luckily, Rodney's got selective hearing that rivals mine and perks up, "But, you do find me attractive." Carter doesn't actually answer, which is a pretty big unspoken "Yes" in my book, for I am wise to the subtext on this show.

Poll

Anyway, she directs his attention back to her plan, which creates a mini-squabble over who really came up with the plan, and McKay interrupts the bickering, realizing, "Oh, wow. I'm having an argument with myself over who came up with this idea first: me or me." Hearing this out loud, he's suddenly struck with the epiphany that, yes, he is pretty damn petty. But we like petty here at zeropointsnark, so it's okay. Carter reminds him that he's also arrogant and bad with people, but since she still won't deny him his good looks, that's all that really matters. With a few strokes of the keyboard, they now have positive pressure inside the Double Wide-cum-hot tub. Rodney happies, all, "Yay me!" and then gives Carter a big hug. And then they dun sex. He's so excited at actually touching her that he gives her a big smooch. She's smart enough to turn her head at the last second so he gets a mouthful of cheek, and squicks out a "You do know what you're doing here, right?" Making out with himself? Yup. But since we haven't gotten any canon confirmation on this show that Rodney doesn't in fact, have only himself for relief, this shouldn't squick Rodney out as much as he pretends it does. He immediately releases her, yelling about how unfair it is that she's "a figment of my imagination, the least you can do is take your top off." Then he sulks and crosses his arms and waits. Carter scoffs that his "subconscious mind knows I would never do that." And Rodney pouts that she's the "worst hallucination ever." Yeah, but since he should be able to control what happens inside his own fantasy, he officially LOSES AT LIFE.

He turns his attention back to geekier things that he can actually control -- like attempting to fly the Double Wide back toward the surface. Since he only has ten minutes left before power levels drop too low for his big plan to work, he would very much like Carter to leave him alone now. She thinks this is exactly why they couldn't have a relationship; he doesn't listen to people. Eh, this sounds like your stereotypical MALE, so I fail to see what the problem is. Except, the real reason they couldn't have a relationship is because TPTB kept dicking her (and us) over with Jack. *blinks innocently* Carter observes that Rodney has a hard time trusting people. This is something he agrees with -- for example, he blames Zelenka for his Impending Horrific Death. It seems Radek was the one responsible for supervising the repair of the Double Wide, the one who checked it off as ready to go, and "he's the one who came to me, embarrassed because he was afraid to fly it in the best of times, not to mention a test flight." Aww, a lover's quarrel and Radek isn't here to defend himself. Rodney's pissed that Radek's safe on Atlantis while he's doomed for a water grave. Therefore, the trust issue? Totally understandable, in his opinion. Oh, Rodney... *sads*

Rescue Jumper. Radek, being the underrated genius that he is, manages to initialize the shield. Shep glances over at him with subdued awe and gives him a big verbal high five. But the blue light gorgeously caressing Shep's face is thanks enough for Radek -- and for everyone else watching, because YUM. "Okay, let's take this thing a little deeper," Shep says. And I say, "Oh, Shep, you say the drrrrrtiest, hottest things EVER." RAWR! Sadly, before he can go down. Er, deeper. Into the ocean. Damn you. Radek realizes that not everything is hunky dory -- the shield is eating up their power rather quickly. Nothing's ever easy, is it? RAR. Seems the energy drain is proportional to the amount of strain its facing; more atmospheric pressure on the Jumper equals faster power drain. Shep only needs to know one thing: how much time they have before they're crushed into a pancake. Answer: 30 minutes, tops. With that in mind, Shep decides what the hell and aims his phallic Jumper deeper.

Darling it's better, down where it's wetter. Oh wow, never realized how dirty those lyrics were. Poor Rodney's a McKay-cicle. Carter, proving that she's the she-devil of his brain, is swimming lazily and happily through the Jumper Jacuzzi. Only, according to her, it's not warm enough. Unfortunately, they're dealing with sea water, and McKay needs to save the remaining power for his Really (Really x A Lot) Bad Idea. She reaches out for his nipple, for surely by now, they can definitely cut glass. Rodney: "Zomg, wtf? Girl hand on my boob!" Carter, knowing how well the line worked for Neera on Shep back in "The Hive," simply tells him, "For warmth." But see, Rodney's way too smart for that because as an imaginary being, she has no heat! Ha! Oh, but he's thinking way too analog again, since women have other ways of making a man hot. Like popping out of the water wearing absolutely nothing. Horny men everywhere are foiled by the restrictions of basic cable, for 'absolutely nothing' is actually equivalent to 'a lacy bra'. She seductively glides through the water towards him and lays a big fat juicy one on his lips. McKay: "Whu-huh?" Carter: "Well, I am your fantasy. It's only fair you should get some." There's more kissing. Rodney: "Really?" Sheesh, McKay, never question your fantasy, der. Carter answers him by kissing him again. Rodney's all, "Rawr! I knew it!" And then he dips her, and they dun sex. Until his stupid brain wakes up and interrupts the fantasy. He starts flailing because he sees through her scheme to "slow him down." Carter: "Actually, I'm trying to get you up, fast." McKay's convinced that she's trying to distract him long enough for the remaining power to fall below the threshold for him to enable his stupid plan. Peeved, he pushes her away, declaring her "Lt. Colonel Siren." Heh. Rodney assures himself that his plan with work, and he goes about making it happen. Lt. Col. Siren pops out of the water again, this time dressed in her Pink Power Ranger track suit, and attempts to talk him out of it. Because that worked so well earlier. Even though he knows she's right, he's really just a 10 year old at heart and lalalas at her, all, "Not listening, omg." Once his Hail Mary Plan is ready to go, Carter implores him not to do it, which only evokes a smug "I hope you'll be gone once I reach the surface, but feel free to visit me when I'm back in my quarters later tonight" from him. He pushes the button to put Plan Stupid into effect. The lights flare up, the drive pods flash a couple of times, and then complete power failure. Okay, so who didn't see this coming? Alas, it's done. He is SO done. Stick a fork in him or whatever. Carter and Rodney finger-porn each other, but he's much faster on the draw and orders her not to speak. Too bad Carter's face is all "neener, neener, told you so" anyway. His big wasted plan of craptastic stupidity leaves him with only 30 minutes until DOOM.

Search and rescue. Shep pilots the Jumper a couple of thousand leagues under the sea. Radek, who's obviously enjoying this mission, spits out a slew of Czech. I don't know what he's saying, but whatever it is, it's kinda hot. Shep glances warily over his shoulder with the 'Uh, I'm Stuck in an Enclosed Space with A Psycho' look. He remarks, "I think my Czech's getting better because I know what you mean." Hee! The nicer, PG version of whatever Radek was bitching and moaning about: they can't detect the Double Wide for a variety of possible reasons. Except... Shep latches onto that tiny bit of hope. So Radek requests he bring up the HUD. As he does so, Shep does the Eye-Popping of WTF. Shep: "omgwtfseamonster?" Radek: "Exactly." According to the data, Moby Dick is humongous, and Radek would like it very much if Shep didn't venture too close or decide to name it and take it home as a pet. There's twelve minutes left on the shields so of course, Shep decides, "Let's check it out." And now it's Radek's turn to face-act the 'aww, crap, no one ever listens to me' look of woe. For once, Shep actually has a good explanation for insisting on an Alien Whale fly-by. He points out that Moby Dick is swimming circles around one area, "which means he might have found something interesting." Hey, whatever floats his boat. All I know is that these close-ups, with this lighting? YUMMEEEEEE.

Doom Doom Doom. The water is now chin-high, and Moby Dick is mocking McKay and his stupid plan. Or maybe I'm just putting words in the sea monster's mouth. McKay tries to shoo it away -- unsuccessfully, of course. When Carter reappears, concerned with McKay's sanity, he tells her he's pretty sure Moby Dick is waiting for him to become fish food. Like all men on their deathbeds, this is the time for rehashing regrets. McKay: "I treated him pretty bad." Carter: "The whale?" McKay: "Redshirt Griffin. Keep up, dammit." Apparently, Griffin's self-sacrificing heroics are still weighing down on McKay's guilty conscience. Poor McKay berates himself for not pulling a Heroic Redshirt Act of Self-Sacrifice and comes to the realization that perhaps he did, and he just lacked the guts to follow through. "He's a brave man," he proclaims. *sniffles* I liked Griffin! Poor McKay isn't used to people dying for him (see also: Gaul) and understates, "It's been a bad day." Hee. She assures him that he'll survive, and because he's got absolutely nothing to lose, he says he wouldn't believe her, even if she were naked. He closes his eyes and then peeks through one eye, disappointed, but not surprised that he still sucks at the Fantasy Game. Hell, I just conjured up an imaginary naked Shep in my living room, and let me tell you, I REALLY don't suck at this game. Excuse me for a few hours...

Rodney's struggling to stay awake, but Carter doesn't shut up, hoping she can annoy him enough to keep him alert and awake. She tries to console him -- half-assed -- but it doesn't matter because he finally admits, "Should have listened to you. You were right." And then, awwww, he adds that he's always admired her, not that he will totally accept mental defeat at her hands. "I honestly don't think you're smarter than me. On your best day, I think we're a... tie?" Carter: "Um, are you complimenting me or dissing me here?" It's a backhanded compliment, for even though he won't admit to her being smarter than him, he will allow that she is far wiser than him. There's a difference, apparently, but we won't get into it. His point: she was right. Her counterpoint: he was actually right, subconsciously. And Rodney cutes a smile, all, "Yay, at least I can die with that somewhat happy thought." Gag, is this episode over yet?!

Saved! On his Laptop of Awesome, Radek finally manages to get the Double Wide Blip to appear on their scans. Shep attempts radio contact, but according to the scans, the Double Wide is deader than dead, instead of just mostly dead. Dun dun DUN! Shep's all, "Where's my wench? Grapple that sucker and let's go." But Radek, naysayer extraordinaire, insists that Shep's Plan of Awesome, which come on, it really was, considering TPTB are usually more than happy to have him excel at being merely The Pretty Kirking Eyecandy, won't work anymore because the Double Wide is almost double wide with water. D'oh. Radek: "Sensors don't lie. Your wench will totally fail." Shep: "You don't know my wench, you h0r!" Radek: "No, seriously. TPTB told me I can't rewrite physics in this episode, so it's not gonna work." Shep snarls that they didn't come this far to give up. I guess you can wank that into a Shep/McKay anvil, but I'm zipping through the rest of this recap so you'll have to drop those on some other poor unsuspecting het shipper's head. Then, in a competition to see who loves Rodney more, Radek comes up with the idea to extend the shield to include the Double Wide, thus allowing them to bring the Rodney to the Jumper instead of the Jumper to the, er, Jumper. Wait, that didn't make any sense at all. ANYWAY, Shep's all, "Awesome!" And then as soon as he lands their Jumper, the shield extends like a jellyfish bubble to include the Double Wide.

Inside the busted Jumper. McKay's all, "WTF was that, h0r?" And h0r just smiles, all proud of herself, even though she really did absolutely nothing at all, if you think about it. Over his radio, he hears Shep calling for him and Griffin. He scrambles to answer, and with the audible sound of relief, Shep "hey, buddy"s him. Er, I guess that could possibly be sub-sub-sub-subtextual for some kind of slash anvil, but my Dictionary of Euphemisms is out on loan at the moment. Shep orders him to lower the hatch, which Rodney of course points out is a really bad idea. To facilitate the speed of the rescue, not to mention the end of this episode, Shep tries to give him the "long story short" routine. Except I can do him one better. Long story short: Shep bangs on the door to prove he's actually outside. Hearing this, Carter dimples once again, for she must also have the hots for Shep. Semi-convinced, Rodney reaches for the controls to pop the door, but stops just short of doing it, suddenly afraid that he's experiencing another hallucination. Dammit, McKay; open the damn door so I can stop recapping. He argues that it might be "the pessimist in me who wants this all over with." Except, trust me, he's not as pessimistic as I am at the moment. Outside and over the radio, Shep bitches at him to hurry it up. I second the idea. Unfortunately, the episode is coming in short right now, so the poor woobie is forced to experience a silly bout of disorientation for a few minutes. It's up to Carter to convince him that his friends really are outside, which she does, but wouldn't you know it... The latch doesn't work. ARGH! Before he can chalk it up as a sign that HE MUST DIE, Carter reminds him of the secondary release. Which happens to be located under the seatback pocket of the seat in front of him. Or something. Oh, and it's under all that freezing water. Taking deep breaths, he and Carter dive into the water and YAY! FINALLY! Release! Let there be freedom!

All the water is sucked out of Double Wide, leaving Rodney on the floor, dripping wet and gasping for air. His friends race up the ramp and to Rodney's side. And HOLY WONDERFUL GOD IN WHEREVER, but thank you. No, really, THANK YOU. Boxer peekage, OMG! Oh, boxers, how I've missed thee. Let me count the ways... no, wait, that would take too long. And omg, skin, yay! I'm glad to see the wardrobe people have not been slacking off and that the back of his pants are just as expressive as the front. Well done, Wardrobe Person. And a round of drinks on me, Mr. Editor and Mr. Director Persons, for leaving those scenes in. There's also a nice ass-shot for Radek, but since there is no skin or boxers showing, someone else will have to finish the squee. Now that his butt is covered, Shep wants to know what happened to Griffin, and upon learning that he was in the cockpit, both Shep and Radek look toward the front with their "ewwwwwww, omg, that really sucks hard" looks. Together, they get Rodney to his feet, and Rodney insists that he needs to decompress after Carter's brilliant positive pressure idea. Radek's the only one paying attention to Rodney, and he questions the Carter bit, but Rodney quickly backtracks on that one. They head back to the working Jumper, and um, I know this is nitpicking, but if there's a shield surrounding them, where did the water in the Double Wide go after it was let out? 'Cuz shit, yo, that was a lot of water in there. /nitpick. Overhead, the Alien Moby Dick whines that his new BFF is leaving him. As the camera pulls back, we get to see Rodney's pet sea monster swimming overhead, and holy fuck, Radek wasn't kidding when he said the thing was gigantic. The men don't seem impressed by its monstrosity, because it's a CGI effect, duh. Rodney tries to joke that the Alien Moby Dick won't get to eat him, but Shep thinks he needs to thank the Lassie-wannabe for leading them to him in the first place. Shep and Radek, having bonded on the way down, no longer need Radek for their man-love, so they drop him on the bench and run to the cockpit together. Oh, Radek, I'm disappointed in you. Couldn't you at least helped him change his bandage? Anyway, leaving him alone serves a purpose: he gets to stand by the open hatch and smile gratefully at a cheerfully waving Carter, who is still in the Double Wide. The Jumper door closes in Rodney's face, and it's home we go. So. He just left Carter -- even if she is just a hallucination -- to die horribly in the other Jumper -- alone -- once the shield is retracted. Tsk, tsk.

Poll

I have to say, this is the shortest recap I've ever written. Given the subject matter and the characters involved, I wouldn't be surprised if it's also the least funniest recap, too. Oh, well, there's always the next episode, when I get to totally pan TPTB and mock Shep for being so fucking pretty.

Next week:
1. SciFi's crappy commercial for "The Tower" Promo: "He's more than a team leader. He's a babe magnet."
2. Merriam-Webster's definition of 'BABE': n. Infant, Baby
3. The end.