"The heartless are less immature."
I was at that laundromat for over two hours the other night, but I was happy I got a lot of writing done and had toasty towels to dry off with after my next much-needed shower. I had to snatch a shopping cart across the street from Price Chopper to bring the basket home comfortably. The fucking dryer machine ate two quarters of mine and even after five runs (it's 25¢ per eight minutes), a good majority of my clothes were still kinda wet. Whatever. I went home with them inside of a big, sticky, lost Home Depot shopping cart. When I got home, I lazily put everything away and felt like I was procrastinating even though I had nothing to do or look forward to. I talked to Kaila With An I on AIM and she officially informed me that we can't be friends anymore because of her hipster douchebag boyfriend. He even had the nerve to bring up things I did four years ago in hopes of making her mad at me, like a fucking high schooler. She had the nerve to act as if they mattered and, after berating me for mentioning Brian in my last entry (as if I'm supposed to be all find and dandy with him trying to end one of the few friendships I care about), questioned me and scolded me for things I vaguely remembered doing to her. All I knew was that Brian was my partner in crime at that point and was doing the shit with me. I couldn't even get angry. I was just sad about it all. She kept trying to make it seem as if it were in any way her choice to stop hanging out with me, and not Brian's masculine dominion over her as a boyfriend, but she kept messing up and proving it wasn't. Eventually, the conversation, and our friendship, ended.
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xBigUglyLoserx: And so, what you're saying, is you're okay with not hanging out anymore? :-(
espritxdescalier: Right now I have to be, and Brian is the most important thing in my life. I do hope that soon he'll get over it, and it'll br alright
xBigUglyLoserx: You have to be alright with it?
espritxdescalier: No, I don't. I'm choosing to.
xBigUglyLoserx: Doesn't seem like it.
xBigUglyLoserx: I can't think of any reason why you'd voluntarily get rid of a good friend.
xBigUglyLoserx: This is making me so sad right now.
espritxdescalier: I'm really sorry, Dave. I really am.
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Another disappointing friend. After that, I was pretty bummed, and the last week's onslaught of disappointing friends hit me full-on like a polluted tidal wave. Sarah hated me for no fucking reason and deleted me from Facebook. Kara can't hang out with me without getting sad and, in turn, making me mad that my companionship isn't enough for her. Rain was dating some douchebag with an eight-pack and an empty skull out of nowhere and had since stopped talking to me, other than the one time I called her to ask her about the bad things she was saying about me behind my back. Gemma was dating a stranger from the Internet she had nothing in common with and boasting the significance of their premature relationship like a 13-year-old, while telling me she never liked me the way she thought she did, that I was merely lumped into the 'tolerable' category as far as people she knew went, and boasting how weak and stupid she is like it was something to be proud of. Everyone was letting me down and Kaila really just completely ended my tolerance for it all. I had been trying to ignore how hurt and disappointed I was all week long, but being disposed of for a hipster lifeform as low as Brian Shafer was the last jab to the kidneys I could handle. So I just laid in bed, in silence, and dwelled on the fact that the only person I wanted to see was totally out of reach. Initially, I was angry. But then I remembered that practically everyone is the same and these sorts of things should be nothing but expected of them. They are simple creatures who cannot control themselves, take responsibility for their actions, or think outside of themselves. Of course someone like me would be expendable and my advice meaningless. I am not one of them. They're all still in the high school cafeterias of their brains (or literally still in high school). I am not. And then I just felt sad because finding friends who will stay there, who will respect themselves, who will listen to you when you speak and retain what you're saying, who will give what they get from you... don't really exist.
My friend was right when she said to me that people date for the, "front page of it all."
What made it all feel even worse was that I was under the impression that I had mastered the art of judging someone's character. I thought I had a pretty skilled way of gauging who was worth knowing, who earned respect, who I could trust, et cetera. I thought my heart was a pool skimmer, but it was just a plastic bag, collecting anyone who got in its way. In these types of situations, when people I care about shed their skin, or just step into the light long enough for me to see who they really are, I just feel stupid; ashamed; embarrassed. And then I blame myself, "You should have known better! Keep people at arm's length!" I hate people. But I love them at the same time. And I really do want to know lots of them. But I guess I get too close to people who are far away, care too much about people who don't care about themselves, respect people who don't respect themselves, hold those in high regard who are proud of how low they are. And when they're not letting me down, they're sitting back with a blank stare while I dispense advice to them, repeating it in as many different ways as I can conjure, hoping I'll finally find the words suited to hit a nerve and make them start sitting upright in attention. But they never do. Nothing sticks, just passes through. I just wind up stressed out over someone else's life. And then I feel even stupider. It has nothing to do with my own self-righteous beliefs and lifestyle, either. It's common sense most of the time. Dating a total stranger you have nothing in common with... is fucking stupid. Dating someone who you have a vague connection with and nothing in common with, while juggling two boys in the background... is fucking shallow. Judging someone for what he writes on his LiveJournal when you're almost thirty... is fucking immature. Putting your best friend in a situation where he feels like he can't talk to you about anything because it might upset you... is selfish and inconsiderate. Getting rid of a good friend at the request of your boyfriend... is not only pathetic on your part and requires a total lack of self-respect, but is pretty fucked-up.
It was another night of ruthless self-examination and deep longing to have a certain someone close-by. I took a long shower that I had been needing desperately for a day or two. I finally took off that sweater, after a week of wearing it. Sometimes, I like to turn the shower water up real high and let it burn me until I can't stand it. I let the hot water hit my face and just closed my eyes so I could pretend I was standing on the sun, away from this bullshit world. And then I came back. After each shower, I have to squeegee the water toward the drain, since the apartment being on some sort of incline causes most of it to collect on the opposite end of the tub. I think it's hilariously ghetto. I watched The Outsiders for the first time and while it was a totally amazing movie, I didn't enjoy it as much as I could have if I hadn't been so caught up in my own head. "Stay gold, Ponyboy... stay gold." That scene was crazy amounts of sad. It made me want to trainhop outta here and seek refuge in some abandoned church in an area with a stupid name (like Windrixville) that is surrounded by land and townsfolk. I got to talk to her and it filled me with an insane amount of positive feelings. She makes how boring and lonely and disappointing every day is worth waking up for, because I know these boxes on the calendar are eventually going to lead me back to her. I wasted a lot of time on Tumblr, StileProject, Fukung, Digg, and trying to be interested in porn, even though I just couldn't get into any video I found. I'm sick of not having the real thing. I had my Netflixes in the mailbox on Monday morning. The fucking mailman didn't take them. Asshole. And I didn't get to throw out my garbage of rotting food that night because the dumptrucks decided to pick up at 2:30 in the morning, as opposed to the regular hours of 4-5AM. However, I did find three very large bags of recyclable bottles and cans outside of my apartment, presumably from the upstairs neighbors, and dragged them back inside with me. I ate more than I usually do in a single night, because it was the strongest feeling I had that I could actually act on. I ended up staying awake until after 9 in the morning, after several attempts to just lay still in the dark and hope for sleep.
"You're in my web now."
"Wrape me up tight 'til it's time to bite down."
I can't wait for Jessie to start going to school in Troy so I can fucking hang out with her all the time!
I woke up several times, mostly due to chaos created by my cats, but refused to get up until my eyes and body couldn't take anymore stillness. There actually comes a point where your eyes cannot stay closed. And if you try to keep them closed, they blink like normal as if they're opened, until you give into their pleas to open. It was almost 7PM when I finally did. I ate some Boca burgers and sat on my bed, feeling clueless, restless, and pathetic. I decided I wanted to take a break from people for a couple more days. So I walked to the library and got out five movies and picked up some food from Price Chopper. I briefly talked online with people until I was no longer interested and then started my solo night of distractions from the outside world. I talked to her for a little while and it was all I needed to become comfortable with my night alone that was ahead of me. It's so nice to have someone in my life who seems to always be on the same page as I am. Our brains are holding hands. I ate two giant bowls of iceberg salad with croutons and French dressing. Then I watched what was supposedly the worst movie of 2009, The Love Guru, to see how bad it actually was, while sewing a new shirt idea I had. The movie was as horrible as critics made it out to be and I finished my shirt after an hour and a half, since I repeatedly found myself returning to Tumblr to post something pointless. My shirt is an ode to hating America and loving Sweden.
I answered a buncha shit I got over my Formspring, including a lengthy request for relationship advice that was too perfectly hypothetical to not be submitted by one of my loser friends who are in a similar relationship as the question described.
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I'm gonna ask you for your advice. I'm a girl dating a guy who I don't have much in common with. He listens to ICP and other ridiculous groups that I cannot stand. I'm vegan, he's a meat eater. He smokes marijuana every single day and I don't do drugs of any kind. He spends most of his time playing xbox, and I find that kind of thing boring as hell. BUT...he treats me very well and I am incredibly happy whenever I'm around him. Is it worth it?
I think that a lot of relationships fail because of the things we sweep under the rug during the throws of euphoria early on in the beginning of the relationship. These could be things you don't have in common, the things that annoy you, the things you didn't ask right away or didn't know already and find out much later. A lot of focus in the beginning goes towards the wishful thinking; the way we're so eager to meet the person of our dreams, that we betray ourselves and manipulate our perception of someone just to desperately align them with our true desires. We'll skew the facts just to convince ourselves they're that person, based merely on the fact that you enjoy their company, or you're both single, or something else trivial like that. I think it's good that he makes you happy and treats you well, but the reality is that he's beneath what you deserve and will find yourself wanting in the near future. These things you're ignoring (the difference in opinions and interests and hobbies) WILL come back to haunt you eventually. I don't think we should all date our exact replicas, but I do think there are some important things that a couple should share in common, and politics/lifestyle are one of them. I personally don't understand how you could possibly be attracted to or interested in someone who does drugs, plays Xbox all day, and eats meat. It won't last. These differences between you will speak louder down the road when you've already wasted a ton of time on someone whose only connection with you was 'right place at the right time'. Find someone more on your level.
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I sat online, talking to my special someone until the muscles in my neck and right arm couldn't handle the position I have to be in to type online anymore. I watched an amazing movie called Fragments (the third multiple-lives-intertwined-within-a-single-story indie I've seen with Forest Whitaker in it, oddly enough) and once again tried to consult porn to ease my sexual frustrations, only to come up with nothing. Willow cuddled with me for a little while and I backed out of playing Sonic 2 because the screen is always too fuzzy. I fell asleep around 7AM and didn't wake up today until 4 or so, when I was woken up by a text.
I hadn't been up for long before Laura Stella called me and asked if I wanted to join her and Emily in putting together a thousand-piece puzzle of a puggle. I ate three soy dogs and rushed right over. The puzzle didn't go very well and we retreated after about an hour. Laura and I left with Jon Martin in his soccer mom van to ride to Scotia and pick up a really attractive male named Alex Zyra. He seemed kinda cool, I guess. I think Jon was slightly under the influence of something while driving and a part of me, in that buried part of my brain, hoped we'd get into a car accident and die. On the drive back to Albany, a fat woman in a tollbooth looked at all of us in the van with this dumbfounded look, as she slowly reached for the ticket and 30¢, her jaw slowly dropping like she had a gun held to her forehead or something. It was the weirdest thing ever. When we got back to the house, we sat around and watched a stupid show on Spike TV called 1,000 Ways to Die; a man high on cocaine and meth and various other pills put a lava lamp inside a microwave to hurry up the melting process and it exploded, causing shards of glass to fly into his face and kill him. Totally awesome. I was all out of my ability to be around others, so I got out of there and came back here to do this and sit by myself while listening to music. I walked out of Laura Stella’s apartment, was asked if I had a dollar by some homeless man, I said I didn’t have one, and was called a, “punk-ass,” and informed I need to put on longer pants. I have three more movies to watch and am awaiting an message on Facebook. I have to go to court tomorrow at 1:30, which is annoying. I have plans with Kara, TJ, Tia, and Bianca on Friday that I'm very excited about. I'll be doing that instead of going to Syracuse for the Ruiner show like I had hoped. I have no more money for the rest of the month and travel just a little over two hours is just way too costly. I am so goddamn fucking sick of the winter. I ate three bologna-and-barbecue-chip sandwiches earlier. I want to die now. I wish Kitten wasn't the only person I share my bed with nowadays.
The other night, when Kara stayed overnight, I had a really vivid dream about another girl. We were kissing and touching. I apparently attempted to do those things to Kara in my sleep. I kinda felt bad about that.
In other news, I think I am in love with someone. Like, seriously.
I find myself becoming more and more obsessed with Mars Argo...
The way she speaks and bats her eyelashes causes heart murmurs.
Click to viewThis girl, too. Whoever she is. I want to make out with her so hard.
Her giggle thirty-three seconds in destroys my ability to live without being in close enough proximity to grab her and pull her near.
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Katt just got a Formspring. One of the first questions she got was about me!
did u ever do anything sexually to or with davegunn? like have sex, blowjob, fingering or anything?
I think that's hilarious. As if my sex life isn't questioned enough on my own Formspring, haha.
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