My Inner Life: Chapter 11 - The Blessing
ZeldaQueen: And yet another chapter that made me want to rip out my hair! Hooray!
Link: What? She already had the kid, what else is there?
ZeldaQueen: The King mentioned a ceremony...
Link: Yeah? Oh. Oh shi -
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Chapter 11: The Blessing
The Blessing
Link: The only blessing I could see is if someone shot Jenna SilverSue with a Light Arrow
A few days later word had spread through Hyrule that Link and I just had a baby.
ZeldaQueen: *eyetwitches* Right. Because their baby is just that important!
Link: I've only been at this for a few chapters, and this self-entitlement thing is driving me insane
When the King heard that Link had a son he was just delighted.
Link: If she uses this as an excuse to say that the King views the brat as a grandson, I swear to the goddesses -
ZeldaQueen: Thankfully I don't think she does. The chapter's still sickening though
Link: Oy
He was going to have a blessing ceremony for the baby when I was well enough to get out of bed.
Link: Okay, I think I'm starting to see what you mean
ZeldaQueen: I know, right? This certainly doesn't look like wanking material
Link spent the time I was in bed caring for me and our son.
ZeldaQueen: Looks like you're back in "Love Slave" mode
Link: Shut up!
For the first few days we were keeping little Link in the room with us. It was safer and easier when he needed to be fed.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, he's going to be fed to ravenous wolverines. Come on now, little Link Jr
Link: I was thinking more along the lines of a Dodongo with scale rot. Nothing more viscous than that in the land of Hyrule
ZeldaQueen: Oh really? What about ReDeads?
Link: Got a point there, but the trouble is that ReDeads suck out one's life energy and Sues and Sue Spawn have none - they themselves are a vacuum of canon energy
ZeldaQueen: That explains so much
Link: Doesn't it, though?
Since I was breast-feeding him it was not much for me to get up and get him out of his cradle.
ZeldaQueen: Well thank you Jenna, I really wanted to know that
Link: Hey, if we brought in the Dodongo during one of those times, I could give her an impromptu mastectomy
ZeldaQueen: How the hell do you know what a mastectomy is?
Link: *grins mysteriously*
ZeldaQueen: *makes a mental note to wear iron undergarments the next time they argue*
There was the chair in the corner for me to use during feeding time.
ZeldaQueen: *sings* There's chair in the corner, and a Sue in the chair, and the spawn on the Sue...
Link: *sings* And the green grass grew all around and around, and the green grass grew all around!
I was surprised that for the most part Link Jr. slept through most nights.
ZeldaQueen: Of course! Because heaven forbid the Sue be inconvenienced by usual baby behavior! *fumes* Just like that freaky Renesmee, I swear...
But there were a few times where he cried in the middle of the night to be changed or fed.
Link: Wait, she actually acknowledged that her kid needed care
ZeldaQueen: Wow, I'm surprised
But I was glad to have this little miracle. He was my pride and joy.
ZeldaQueen: Never mind. She only mentioned it to remind us how OH SO STRONG she is and HOW MUCH SHE LOVES THE BRAT, since she isn't the least bit bothered by any of this!
Link: Yeah, I call bull. Like I said, I've never raised any kids, but even I know that being woken up time and again at night leads to irritability and fights
ZeldaQueen: I guess you'd know, wouldn't you?
Link: Hey, I never once slept during those three days I saved Terminia from that evil Moon. Why do you think I'm perpetually pissed off now?
I finally had a family. A family to call my own.
ZeldaQueen: My precious!
Link: I swear to crap, if she goes on one more time about how having a husband and baby make her "complete" -
When I was well enough to leave the bed we sent word to the Royal Family that I was ready.
ZeldaQueen: The ambush was launched quickly and the Sue and her spawn were quickly beheaded and killed with fire
Two days later, we had the blessing ceremony.
Link: I'm going to be sick over this, aren't I?
ZeldaQueen: Strap in
The King had everyone in Hyrule attend.
Link: Oh, just everyone?
ZeldaQueen: I just love how casually she keeps mentioning that. Either the King is forcing people to attend this thing against their wills, or every single person in Hyrule honestly cares about the little rat. Either way, it grates my nerves
He wanted everyone to meet the "Hero of Time's" first-born son.
Link: Um...why is my title in quotes? Does she somehow doubt I'm the real Hero of Time or something?
ZeldaQueen: This is the girl who keeps putting two "o"s in "so".
Link: Ah yes, more grammatical tics. Never mind, carry on
Also his name was to be announced to everyone after he was blessed.
ZeldaQueen: You know, in a world with any sort of justice, the blessing ceremony would involve holy water and would cause the Sue spawn to crumble to ash and smoke
The sun was bright as I walked out of the Lost Woods and onto Hyrule Field.
Link: Wait a second - she just recovered from having a kid, she only just got out of bed, she and Link have a baby who is several days old...and they are walking from the Lost Woods to Hyrule Castle?
ZeldaQueen: *rubs head* For those who missed it, I'll post our little map of the world in the game
ZeldaQueen: For the benefit of Link's Queen, who seems completely unable to grasp this concept, I shall repeat what is in red letters on there. And I shall do it in large font -
IT IS REALLY FUCKING FAR FROM THE LOST WOODS TO HYRULE CASTLE! IT TAKES LINK AT LEAST ONE FULL DAY IN THE GAME TO GET FROM ONE PLACE TO THE OTHER! JUST BECAUSE IT TAKES SEVERAL MINUTES TOPS IN THE REAL WORLD DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN APPLY THAT TO YOUR DREAM!
Link: Have fun doing that?
ZeldaQueen: It helps
I was carrying Link Jr. in my arms.
Link: Did I ever mention how terrible of a name "Link Jr." is? Seriously, that's the best she could come up with?
ZeldaQueen: That's not even going into the fact that you're probably not the first Link in your bloodline
Link: Yeah, let's see...it would all depend on if Minish Cap was the first. If so, then I'd technically be Link the Second...
ZeldaQueen: Of course, that's assuming that a girl who confuses "bred" and "bread" could keep the Legend of Zelda timeline straight
Link walked at my side as we went. I watched as little Link giggled when he saw the sun.
ZeldaQueen: He was already displaying his diabolical nature as Sue spawn. Soon he would be raised to bring forth his own Original Character groupies and leech life from canon characters
"This is the outside world my son. Look." I said as I held him so he was facing Hyrule Field.
Link: You know, Hyrule Field sort of goes all around. I'm sure the kid could see the place no matter where he was looking
He giggled and his little eyes lit up as he saw the new outside world.
ZeldaQueen: Oh great, the spawn seems to have inherited your glowing eyes, Link
Link: My what?
I smiled at Link as he giggled.
Link: That kid is so sickeningly sweet, I think I might get cavities
"He is so beautiful my love. He is the best gift you ever gave me." I said as I looked into his blue eyes.
ZeldaQueen: Well what do you know? I think those are the top four things Jenna loves to gush about - her racehorse child being beautiful, Link being her love, her baby being her pride and joy and only reason for living, and Link's blue eyes. All they needed in there was a make-out session
Link leaned over and kissed me, smiled, then put his arm around me.
ZeldaQueen: ...Never mind
Link: Yeah, be careful what you wish for and all
When we reached the Castle Gates Princess Zelda, Impa and the King were there to greet us.
Link: Wait what? Why is the royal family of Hyrule waiting at the gates? Shouldn't Jenna and Link be brought to them?
ZeldaQueen: *gnashing teeth* Not in this screwed-up world, no
We were taken to the Castle Courtyard where everyone was waiting to meet the son of the "Hero of Time."
Link: NO QUOTES!
There was a lot of bustle as people waited to see the son of Link and Jenna.
ZeldaQueen: Who shall now begin referring to herself in the third person
I looked from behind the archway and saw that the Sages had attended, and to my surprise even Princess Ruto was there.
ZeldaQueen: Ugh, way to rub her nose in it even more
Link: Why? What happened?
ZeldaQueen: Back in chapter three I believe it was, she left Jenna a note saying that she saw just how much you two were in wuv and was therefore going to give up on pursuing your affections
Link: You know, I never thought I'd see the day when I'd feel sorry for Ruto
Even the Zora and Goron races attended to see this blessed event.
ZeldaQueen: Wait, did the Zora and Gorons ever mingle with the Hyrulians for any events in the actual game?
Link: They did at the end, after Ganonodorf was killed
ZeldaQueen: Oh yes. SO THE BLESSING OF THE SUE SPAWN IS ON PAR WITH YOU KILLING THE KING OF EVIL. HOW UTTERLY RIDICULOUS!
I cuddled our son as I waited for the King to announce us.
Link: (King) "Presenting Lady Sue and her spawn"
ZeldaQueen: (King) "All shall love her and despair"
Link smiled when our little son looked up at him, smiled big and giggled.
ZeldaQueen: Him smiled big heap happy
Link: That sentence made no sense
ZeldaQueen: And it used "smiled" twice. PDORD Count = 39
I saw Link's face just light up when I handed our son to him. I nearly cried as I watched Link cuddle our little miracle.
Link: STOP PRETENDING I CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BRAT! I DON'T! UNLIKE YOU, I HAVE GOALS BEYOND GETTING HITCHED AND RAISING KIDS!
Little Link meant as much to me as his father, my whole world revolved around them. They were my life.
ZeldaQueen: That sound you hear is five million feminists crying out in agony. Seriously, I ought to send this trip to Allecto. At least she'd have something to be legitimately angry about
I listened as the King made his speech, then we were announced. I looked in to my love's eyes and told him it was time to bless our son. Link handed Link Jr. to me and we went to show all of Hyrule the son of a legend.
ZeldaQueen & Link: ZELDA IS THE LEGEND!
I held the tiny baby gently in my arms as we walked out to greet all of Hyrule.
ZeldaQueen: For the love of all things decent, will you stop going on about how tiny and cute your kid is? We don't care!
Then as we walked out a loud cheer rose from the awaiting crowd. Zelda played her lullaby as I prepared our little son to be held high. When she finished the King spoke once more.
Link: Zelda's lullaby is her private song! She wouldn't just play it at the rat's blessing ceremony or what-have-you!
ZeldaQueen: She already gave you the Ocarina of Time, which vanished immediately after. There is nothing that the Sue won't weasel Zelda out of
"My people, this is a time of blessing. A new life has entered our world, a life born by Hyrule's legend.
Link: Which is Zelda, hence the title of the games!!!
Once a boy of destiny, left the forest and became a man.
ZeldaQueen: As opposed to becoming a woman
Link: Judging by how emasculated this doppleganger is, that doesn't sound too far off
He entered the Temple of Time and pulled the Master Sword from its resting place. Thus he became the "Hero of Time.
Link: Look, leave off of the quotes or I'll chop your head off with the Master Sword. Is that good for you?
His destiny became Hyrule's salvation.
ZeldaQueen: Actually, his destiny was Hyrule's salvation. It's not like he was destined to be the Hero of Time and the, what do you know, the Hero of Time was needed to save Hyrule!
His bravery saved us from a life of darkness.
Link: Just shut up and get on with it!
Then with his duties completed, he found and took a wife.
ZeldaQueen: - who for some reason is being listed alongside of his achievements of saving the land. How nice
Now that hero and his wife have been blessed with a new baby boy.
ZeldaQueen: Just like Egypt was blessed by ten plagues
I now present the "Hero of Time"
Link: Right. *reaches for Master Sword*
Projection Room Voices: We took it off of you, remember?
Link: Fuck. Any chance I can get really drunk then, so I can ignore this?
Projection Room Voices: We'll see if we can arrange anything for the next chapter
Link: Fine
Link, his wife Jenna, and their new son." Then the King smiled at us and gave us way.
ZeldaQueen: As per freaking usual
I handed our son to Link and we walked forward, to where all of Hyrule could see our new son.
ZeldaQueen: We get it. You have your son with you and you're showing him off like a pureblood dog. PDORD Count = 40
I stood by Link's side as he looked down over all of Hyrule.
Link: HA! Now she's flat-out admitting that she's lording over all of Hyrule!
ZeldaQueen: Well technically she did say it was you
Link: Oh get real, you know full well that she just uses Zelda, the King, and my fictional self as a means to springboard her way into power. Everything she gives us to do just serves her own ends eventually
"I, Link the "Hero of Time" present our new son, Link the Second!" He yelled as he held our son up high for all of Hyrule to see. A loud cheering rose from the people of Hyrule as Link held our son up high. I smiled as everyone cheered, I felt happy. This was truly a special time in our little son's life.
Link: Wow, even my fictional counterpart is putting my name in quotes. Everyone seems to be doubting my claims as the Hero of Time in this thing
ZeldaQueen: Wait, did she just rip off The Lion King there?
ZeldaQueen: Man, I don't know if that's hilarious or sad
Link: Why not both?
After our son was presented, it was time for our son to be blessed.
ZeldaQueen: The judges all give scores out of ten
Rauru the Light Sage was awaiting with the other sages to bless our son first. He walked up to little Link and put his hands on his head. "Link the Second, son of the "Hero of Time" was born under a legend and will grow up in his father's image. To help guide and protect him in his journey through life, we the six sages each bestow a gift upon thy little one.
Link: And I suddenly just got the urge to retch
ZeldaQueen: Completely normal, I feel the same
I, Rauru the Light Sage, bestow the gift of courage upon thee." Rauru's hands begun to glow as he gave the gift of courage to our son.
Link: Okay, I already have the Triforce of Courage. The trait of courage is established to run in my family consistently. Why would my "son" need to be gifted courage of all things?
ZeldaQueen: Because the Suethor is floundering for seven gifts to give. What I'm wondering is why the Sage of Light is giving courage instead of some sort of Light-related power (Death Note fans, feel free to insert a joke here)
Completed, Saria the Forest Sage was next to bestow her gift. "I, Saria the Forest Sage, bestow the gift of friendship upon thee." Saria placed her hands on Link Jr's tiny head and bestowed her gift.
ZeldaQueen: Since he also needed to be gifted friendship, I'm going to amuse myself with the speculation that the rugrat would never have been able to get friends without that blessing
Link: Of course not. He's Sue spawn. Nine times out of ten, they're just as odious as their parents. If they didn't have magically-induced powers of charm and charisma, they'd never get anybody to leech on since no one would go near them with ten foot poles
Next was Daurina.
Link: Who the hell is "Daurina"?
ZeldaQueen: No idea. We'll just pretend he's the same person as "Darunia"
Link: No we won't. Darunia is my best Goron friend and I won't have him dragged into this abomination if I can help it
"I, Daurina the Fire Sage, bestow the gift of power upon thy brother." With his big Goron hands
ZeldaQueen: If he's got big hands...then you know!
Link: Oh goddesses, you've got a dirty mind
he gently placed them on the tiny baby's head and
Link: - twisted its head off
shared his gift with him.
ZeldaQueen: Again, what does Fire have to do with power?
Then reluctantly Ruto walked over to our son to bestow her gift. "I, Ruto the Water Sage, bestow the gift of love upon thee." She placed her gentle fish like hands in our son's forehead and gave him her gift.
ZeldaQueen: I'm going to also imagine that Ruto giving the gift of love is some sort of subtle jab at Link for abandoning her for the Sue.
Link: Seems more like it's the author rubbing it all in Ruto's face
ZeldaQueen: I know. It sucks
Next was Impa. "I, Impa the Shadow Sage, bestow the gift of wisdom upon thee." Then the Sheika gave our son another beautiful gift.
ZeldaQueen: When's Maleficent showing up? That's what I want to know
Link: Well would you look at that - the spawn now has all three of the Triforce virtues. Power, Wisdom, Courage, those're the big three. Does the rat ever use this to get all three pieces of the Triforce?
ZeldaQueen: If the author intended to do it, we'll never know
Link: That's good for my peace of mind
And last was Nabooru the Gerudo. She walked over to the cradle where our son was lying. She peered into the cradle and smiled at the little infant. "You truly look like your father." She said as she placed her hands on his small head. "I, Nabooru the Spirit Sage bestow the gift of compassion upon thee." Then the final gift was given.
Link: You know, given how it was pretty strongly implied that Nabooru has a thing for my adult self, the fact that she comments on the baby looking like me is a little creepy
ZeldaQueen: No kidding. I'm actually kind of surprised that she gets off so easily in this thing. This is pretty much the only time she's mentioned, I believe
Link: She probably hit on me too subtly for the Suethor to notice
ZeldaQueen: Hey, that's right. Come to think of it, your potential romances with Malon and Saria were also pretty subtle and they got off rather light as well. On the other hand, there was a lot more evidence of you either pairing with Zelda or Ruto and those are the two that are bashed so much in this
Next Princess Zelda came to bestow her personal gift. She gently placed her hands on our baby's head and gave him the most special gift
ZeldaQueen: Listen well, all of you! The Sue spawn shall indeed grow in grace and beauty, beloved by all who know him. But, before the sun sets on his sixteenth birthday, he shall prick his finger on the spindle of a spininng wheel and die
"I Princess Zelda, bestow the most important gift of all, the gift of knowledge."
Link: This makes no sense. If anything, Zelda should be the one bestowing Wisdom on the kid
ZeldaQueen: I dunno. If his mom's is anything to go by, the rat's really going to need that gift of knowledge
I watched as her gentle hands begun to glow. Then an aura of white light surrounded the tiny baby as
ZeldaQueen: - he was struck by lighting and died, the end!
the gift of knowledge was given. Once completed the white aura faded and Rauru spoke once more. "With these gifts, Link the Second shall be guided through the valley of life. He is truly one special child, a child of destiny."
Link: (Rauru) "Now let us all kneel down and pray for his favor"
I held Link tight as I watched our little son get his final blessing. A tear of happiness ran down my cheek as I thought of what beautiful gifts were given to our special little son. Our son was truly a descendant of my "Hero of Time."
Link: PRINCESS ZELDA IS - oh fuck it
After the blessing was complete our final place for Link Jr to receive a gift was from the Great Deku Tree.
ZeldaQueen: Ah yes, this
Link: What?
ZeldaQueen: When Jenna was given her fairy, the Great Deku Tree told her to come back with their first born child, so that kid could be given a gift as well
Link: Great. Can't imagine where this is going
After some final words Link and I took our son and headed for Kokiri Forest. Saria came with us.
Link: And this is mentioned for no real reason
Once we arrived at the Great Deku Tree he awoke from his slumber. "Ah Link and Jenna, I have been expecting thee. Come and sit." As we sat down in the grass as little Link giggled and reached for a butterfly that fluttered near his head.
ZeldaQueen: Aw, how cute! *stabbity*
"I see thou have had thy first born.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, all of Hyrule knows about it, I believe
As promised I give thee a special gift." I watched as a small glowing light flew over to us. Then I noticed it was a fairy. "A fairy for our son, this is truly the best gift of all." I thought to myself.
Link: Wait, hadn't she been going on about how her son was the best gift of all?
ZeldaQueen: But of course! A fairy from the game is so much better than knowledge, wisdom, power, courage, friendship, compassion, or love
As the small blue fairy flew around our son, he giggled and tried to reached for her. "Hello. My name is Aria. Nice to meet you." The fairy said as she fluttered in a circle around our little son.
ZeldaQueen: Another annoyingly sugary fairy. Just what this story needed
Link: Who wants to take bets that the thing is utterly useless?
ZeldaQueen: I'm not that dumb
I smiled as the young fairy played with Link Jr.
Link: Um, how? It's a ball of light
Then as I looked into Link's eyes, he saw a tear run down my face as I smiled. "Our son truly is very special.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, he's "special"
He's our little miracle." I laid my head on Link's shoulder as he stroked my right arm. Our son was very special indeed, he was the son of a legend
ZeldaQueen: Once more, with spirit
Link & ZeldaQueen: ZELDA IS THE LEGEND! HENCE THE NAME LEGEND OF ZELDA! AUGH!
ZeldaQueen: And on that note, we are D.O.N.E.
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Link: By the goddesses, this is awful! How do you deal with it?
ZeldaQueen: Well, I actually got a gift from a friend who assured me this would help. *Devours one of das_mervin's man-catching brownies in one bite*
Link: How's it taste?
ZeldaQueen: *goes into coma*
Link: What? Hey! Wake up!
Projection Room Voices: Huh, she looks pretty out of it. Let's hope she wakes up by next update
Link: What if she doesn't?
Projection Room Voices: Then you'll have to spork by yourself
Link: *screams obscenities*
Onward to: Chapter 12: Down the Road
Back to: Chapter 10: The Miracle
Return to: Table of Content
Link: What? She already had the kid, what else is there?
ZeldaQueen: The King mentioned a ceremony...
Link: Yeah? Oh. Oh shi -
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
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Chapter 11: The Blessing
The Blessing
Link: The only blessing I could see is if someone shot Jenna SilverSue with a Light Arrow
A few days later word had spread through Hyrule that Link and I just had a baby.
ZeldaQueen: *eyetwitches* Right. Because their baby is just that important!
Link: I've only been at this for a few chapters, and this self-entitlement thing is driving me insane
When the King heard that Link had a son he was just delighted.
Link: If she uses this as an excuse to say that the King views the brat as a grandson, I swear to the goddesses -
ZeldaQueen: Thankfully I don't think she does. The chapter's still sickening though
Link: Oy
He was going to have a blessing ceremony for the baby when I was well enough to get out of bed.
Link: Okay, I think I'm starting to see what you mean
ZeldaQueen: I know, right? This certainly doesn't look like wanking material
Link spent the time I was in bed caring for me and our son.
ZeldaQueen: Looks like you're back in "Love Slave" mode
Link: Shut up!
For the first few days we were keeping little Link in the room with us. It was safer and easier when he needed to be fed.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, he's going to be fed to ravenous wolverines. Come on now, little Link Jr
Link: I was thinking more along the lines of a Dodongo with scale rot. Nothing more viscous than that in the land of Hyrule
ZeldaQueen: Oh really? What about ReDeads?
Link: Got a point there, but the trouble is that ReDeads suck out one's life energy and Sues and Sue Spawn have none - they themselves are a vacuum of canon energy
ZeldaQueen: That explains so much
Link: Doesn't it, though?
Since I was breast-feeding him it was not much for me to get up and get him out of his cradle.
ZeldaQueen: Well thank you Jenna, I really wanted to know that
Link: Hey, if we brought in the Dodongo during one of those times, I could give her an impromptu mastectomy
ZeldaQueen: How the hell do you know what a mastectomy is?
Link: *grins mysteriously*
ZeldaQueen: *makes a mental note to wear iron undergarments the next time they argue*
There was the chair in the corner for me to use during feeding time.
ZeldaQueen: *sings* There's chair in the corner, and a Sue in the chair, and the spawn on the Sue...
Link: *sings* And the green grass grew all around and around, and the green grass grew all around!
I was surprised that for the most part Link Jr. slept through most nights.
ZeldaQueen: Of course! Because heaven forbid the Sue be inconvenienced by usual baby behavior! *fumes* Just like that freaky Renesmee, I swear...
But there were a few times where he cried in the middle of the night to be changed or fed.
Link: Wait, she actually acknowledged that her kid needed care
ZeldaQueen: Wow, I'm surprised
But I was glad to have this little miracle. He was my pride and joy.
ZeldaQueen: Never mind. She only mentioned it to remind us how OH SO STRONG she is and HOW MUCH SHE LOVES THE BRAT, since she isn't the least bit bothered by any of this!
Link: Yeah, I call bull. Like I said, I've never raised any kids, but even I know that being woken up time and again at night leads to irritability and fights
ZeldaQueen: I guess you'd know, wouldn't you?
Link: Hey, I never once slept during those three days I saved Terminia from that evil Moon. Why do you think I'm perpetually pissed off now?
I finally had a family. A family to call my own.
ZeldaQueen: My precious!
Link: I swear to crap, if she goes on one more time about how having a husband and baby make her "complete" -
When I was well enough to leave the bed we sent word to the Royal Family that I was ready.
ZeldaQueen: The ambush was launched quickly and the Sue and her spawn were quickly beheaded and killed with fire
Two days later, we had the blessing ceremony.
Link: I'm going to be sick over this, aren't I?
ZeldaQueen: Strap in
The King had everyone in Hyrule attend.
Link: Oh, just everyone?
ZeldaQueen: I just love how casually she keeps mentioning that. Either the King is forcing people to attend this thing against their wills, or every single person in Hyrule honestly cares about the little rat. Either way, it grates my nerves
He wanted everyone to meet the "Hero of Time's" first-born son.
Link: Um...why is my title in quotes? Does she somehow doubt I'm the real Hero of Time or something?
ZeldaQueen: This is the girl who keeps putting two "o"s in "so".
Link: Ah yes, more grammatical tics. Never mind, carry on
Also his name was to be announced to everyone after he was blessed.
ZeldaQueen: You know, in a world with any sort of justice, the blessing ceremony would involve holy water and would cause the Sue spawn to crumble to ash and smoke
The sun was bright as I walked out of the Lost Woods and onto Hyrule Field.
Link: Wait a second - she just recovered from having a kid, she only just got out of bed, she and Link have a baby who is several days old...and they are walking from the Lost Woods to Hyrule Castle?
ZeldaQueen: *rubs head* For those who missed it, I'll post our little map of the world in the game
ZeldaQueen: For the benefit of Link's Queen, who seems completely unable to grasp this concept, I shall repeat what is in red letters on there. And I shall do it in large font -
IT IS REALLY FUCKING FAR FROM THE LOST WOODS TO HYRULE CASTLE! IT TAKES LINK AT LEAST ONE FULL DAY IN THE GAME TO GET FROM ONE PLACE TO THE OTHER! JUST BECAUSE IT TAKES SEVERAL MINUTES TOPS IN THE REAL WORLD DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN APPLY THAT TO YOUR DREAM!
Link: Have fun doing that?
ZeldaQueen: It helps
I was carrying Link Jr. in my arms.
Link: Did I ever mention how terrible of a name "Link Jr." is? Seriously, that's the best she could come up with?
ZeldaQueen: That's not even going into the fact that you're probably not the first Link in your bloodline
Link: Yeah, let's see...it would all depend on if Minish Cap was the first. If so, then I'd technically be Link the Second...
ZeldaQueen: Of course, that's assuming that a girl who confuses "bred" and "bread" could keep the Legend of Zelda timeline straight
Link walked at my side as we went. I watched as little Link giggled when he saw the sun.
ZeldaQueen: He was already displaying his diabolical nature as Sue spawn. Soon he would be raised to bring forth his own Original Character groupies and leech life from canon characters
"This is the outside world my son. Look." I said as I held him so he was facing Hyrule Field.
Link: You know, Hyrule Field sort of goes all around. I'm sure the kid could see the place no matter where he was looking
He giggled and his little eyes lit up as he saw the new outside world.
ZeldaQueen: Oh great, the spawn seems to have inherited your glowing eyes, Link
Link: My what?
I smiled at Link as he giggled.
Link: That kid is so sickeningly sweet, I think I might get cavities
"He is so beautiful my love. He is the best gift you ever gave me." I said as I looked into his blue eyes.
ZeldaQueen: Well what do you know? I think those are the top four things Jenna loves to gush about - her racehorse child being beautiful, Link being her love, her baby being her pride and joy and only reason for living, and Link's blue eyes. All they needed in there was a make-out session
Link leaned over and kissed me, smiled, then put his arm around me.
ZeldaQueen: ...Never mind
Link: Yeah, be careful what you wish for and all
When we reached the Castle Gates Princess Zelda, Impa and the King were there to greet us.
Link: Wait what? Why is the royal family of Hyrule waiting at the gates? Shouldn't Jenna and Link be brought to them?
ZeldaQueen: *gnashing teeth* Not in this screwed-up world, no
We were taken to the Castle Courtyard where everyone was waiting to meet the son of the "Hero of Time."
Link: NO QUOTES!
There was a lot of bustle as people waited to see the son of Link and Jenna.
ZeldaQueen: Who shall now begin referring to herself in the third person
I looked from behind the archway and saw that the Sages had attended, and to my surprise even Princess Ruto was there.
ZeldaQueen: Ugh, way to rub her nose in it even more
Link: Why? What happened?
ZeldaQueen: Back in chapter three I believe it was, she left Jenna a note saying that she saw just how much you two were in wuv and was therefore going to give up on pursuing your affections
Link: You know, I never thought I'd see the day when I'd feel sorry for Ruto
Even the Zora and Goron races attended to see this blessed event.
ZeldaQueen: Wait, did the Zora and Gorons ever mingle with the Hyrulians for any events in the actual game?
Link: They did at the end, after Ganonodorf was killed
ZeldaQueen: Oh yes. SO THE BLESSING OF THE SUE SPAWN IS ON PAR WITH YOU KILLING THE KING OF EVIL. HOW UTTERLY RIDICULOUS!
I cuddled our son as I waited for the King to announce us.
Link: (King) "Presenting Lady Sue and her spawn"
ZeldaQueen: (King) "All shall love her and despair"
Link smiled when our little son looked up at him, smiled big and giggled.
ZeldaQueen: Him smiled big heap happy
Link: That sentence made no sense
ZeldaQueen: And it used "smiled" twice. PDORD Count = 39
I saw Link's face just light up when I handed our son to him. I nearly cried as I watched Link cuddle our little miracle.
Link: STOP PRETENDING I CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR BRAT! I DON'T! UNLIKE YOU, I HAVE GOALS BEYOND GETTING HITCHED AND RAISING KIDS!
Little Link meant as much to me as his father, my whole world revolved around them. They were my life.
ZeldaQueen: That sound you hear is five million feminists crying out in agony. Seriously, I ought to send this trip to Allecto. At least she'd have something to be legitimately angry about
I listened as the King made his speech, then we were announced. I looked in to my love's eyes and told him it was time to bless our son. Link handed Link Jr. to me and we went to show all of Hyrule the son of a legend.
ZeldaQueen & Link: ZELDA IS THE LEGEND!
I held the tiny baby gently in my arms as we walked out to greet all of Hyrule.
ZeldaQueen: For the love of all things decent, will you stop going on about how tiny and cute your kid is? We don't care!
Then as we walked out a loud cheer rose from the awaiting crowd. Zelda played her lullaby as I prepared our little son to be held high. When she finished the King spoke once more.
Link: Zelda's lullaby is her private song! She wouldn't just play it at the rat's blessing ceremony or what-have-you!
ZeldaQueen: She already gave you the Ocarina of Time, which vanished immediately after. There is nothing that the Sue won't weasel Zelda out of
"My people, this is a time of blessing. A new life has entered our world, a life born by Hyrule's legend.
Link: Which is Zelda, hence the title of the games!!!
Once a boy of destiny, left the forest and became a man.
ZeldaQueen: As opposed to becoming a woman
Link: Judging by how emasculated this doppleganger is, that doesn't sound too far off
He entered the Temple of Time and pulled the Master Sword from its resting place. Thus he became the "Hero of Time.
Link: Look, leave off of the quotes or I'll chop your head off with the Master Sword. Is that good for you?
His destiny became Hyrule's salvation.
ZeldaQueen: Actually, his destiny was Hyrule's salvation. It's not like he was destined to be the Hero of Time and the, what do you know, the Hero of Time was needed to save Hyrule!
His bravery saved us from a life of darkness.
Link: Just shut up and get on with it!
Then with his duties completed, he found and took a wife.
ZeldaQueen: - who for some reason is being listed alongside of his achievements of saving the land. How nice
Now that hero and his wife have been blessed with a new baby boy.
ZeldaQueen: Just like Egypt was blessed by ten plagues
I now present the "Hero of Time"
Link: Right. *reaches for Master Sword*
Projection Room Voices: We took it off of you, remember?
Link: Fuck. Any chance I can get really drunk then, so I can ignore this?
Projection Room Voices: We'll see if we can arrange anything for the next chapter
Link: Fine
Link, his wife Jenna, and their new son." Then the King smiled at us and gave us way.
ZeldaQueen: As per freaking usual
I handed our son to Link and we walked forward, to where all of Hyrule could see our new son.
ZeldaQueen: We get it. You have your son with you and you're showing him off like a pureblood dog. PDORD Count = 40
I stood by Link's side as he looked down over all of Hyrule.
Link: HA! Now she's flat-out admitting that she's lording over all of Hyrule!
ZeldaQueen: Well technically she did say it was you
Link: Oh get real, you know full well that she just uses Zelda, the King, and my fictional self as a means to springboard her way into power. Everything she gives us to do just serves her own ends eventually
"I, Link the "Hero of Time" present our new son, Link the Second!" He yelled as he held our son up high for all of Hyrule to see. A loud cheering rose from the people of Hyrule as Link held our son up high. I smiled as everyone cheered, I felt happy. This was truly a special time in our little son's life.
Link: Wow, even my fictional counterpart is putting my name in quotes. Everyone seems to be doubting my claims as the Hero of Time in this thing
ZeldaQueen: Wait, did she just rip off The Lion King there?
ZeldaQueen: Man, I don't know if that's hilarious or sad
Link: Why not both?
After our son was presented, it was time for our son to be blessed.
ZeldaQueen: The judges all give scores out of ten
Rauru the Light Sage was awaiting with the other sages to bless our son first. He walked up to little Link and put his hands on his head. "Link the Second, son of the "Hero of Time" was born under a legend and will grow up in his father's image. To help guide and protect him in his journey through life, we the six sages each bestow a gift upon thy little one.
Link: And I suddenly just got the urge to retch
ZeldaQueen: Completely normal, I feel the same
I, Rauru the Light Sage, bestow the gift of courage upon thee." Rauru's hands begun to glow as he gave the gift of courage to our son.
Link: Okay, I already have the Triforce of Courage. The trait of courage is established to run in my family consistently. Why would my "son" need to be gifted courage of all things?
ZeldaQueen: Because the Suethor is floundering for seven gifts to give. What I'm wondering is why the Sage of Light is giving courage instead of some sort of Light-related power (Death Note fans, feel free to insert a joke here)
Completed, Saria the Forest Sage was next to bestow her gift. "I, Saria the Forest Sage, bestow the gift of friendship upon thee." Saria placed her hands on Link Jr's tiny head and bestowed her gift.
ZeldaQueen: Since he also needed to be gifted friendship, I'm going to amuse myself with the speculation that the rugrat would never have been able to get friends without that blessing
Link: Of course not. He's Sue spawn. Nine times out of ten, they're just as odious as their parents. If they didn't have magically-induced powers of charm and charisma, they'd never get anybody to leech on since no one would go near them with ten foot poles
Next was Daurina.
Link: Who the hell is "Daurina"?
ZeldaQueen: No idea. We'll just pretend he's the same person as "Darunia"
Link: No we won't. Darunia is my best Goron friend and I won't have him dragged into this abomination if I can help it
"I, Daurina the Fire Sage, bestow the gift of power upon thy brother." With his big Goron hands
ZeldaQueen: If he's got big hands...then you know!
Link: Oh goddesses, you've got a dirty mind
he gently placed them on the tiny baby's head and
Link: - twisted its head off
shared his gift with him.
ZeldaQueen: Again, what does Fire have to do with power?
Then reluctantly Ruto walked over to our son to bestow her gift. "I, Ruto the Water Sage, bestow the gift of love upon thee." She placed her gentle fish like hands in our son's forehead and gave him her gift.
ZeldaQueen: I'm going to also imagine that Ruto giving the gift of love is some sort of subtle jab at Link for abandoning her for the Sue.
Link: Seems more like it's the author rubbing it all in Ruto's face
ZeldaQueen: I know. It sucks
Next was Impa. "I, Impa the Shadow Sage, bestow the gift of wisdom upon thee." Then the Sheika gave our son another beautiful gift.
ZeldaQueen: When's Maleficent showing up? That's what I want to know
Link: Well would you look at that - the spawn now has all three of the Triforce virtues. Power, Wisdom, Courage, those're the big three. Does the rat ever use this to get all three pieces of the Triforce?
ZeldaQueen: If the author intended to do it, we'll never know
Link: That's good for my peace of mind
And last was Nabooru the Gerudo. She walked over to the cradle where our son was lying. She peered into the cradle and smiled at the little infant. "You truly look like your father." She said as she placed her hands on his small head. "I, Nabooru the Spirit Sage bestow the gift of compassion upon thee." Then the final gift was given.
Link: You know, given how it was pretty strongly implied that Nabooru has a thing for my adult self, the fact that she comments on the baby looking like me is a little creepy
ZeldaQueen: No kidding. I'm actually kind of surprised that she gets off so easily in this thing. This is pretty much the only time she's mentioned, I believe
Link: She probably hit on me too subtly for the Suethor to notice
ZeldaQueen: Hey, that's right. Come to think of it, your potential romances with Malon and Saria were also pretty subtle and they got off rather light as well. On the other hand, there was a lot more evidence of you either pairing with Zelda or Ruto and those are the two that are bashed so much in this
Next Princess Zelda came to bestow her personal gift. She gently placed her hands on our baby's head and gave him the most special gift
ZeldaQueen: Listen well, all of you! The Sue spawn shall indeed grow in grace and beauty, beloved by all who know him. But, before the sun sets on his sixteenth birthday, he shall prick his finger on the spindle of a spininng wheel and die
"I Princess Zelda, bestow the most important gift of all, the gift of knowledge."
Link: This makes no sense. If anything, Zelda should be the one bestowing Wisdom on the kid
ZeldaQueen: I dunno. If his mom's is anything to go by, the rat's really going to need that gift of knowledge
I watched as her gentle hands begun to glow. Then an aura of white light surrounded the tiny baby as
ZeldaQueen: - he was struck by lighting and died, the end!
the gift of knowledge was given. Once completed the white aura faded and Rauru spoke once more. "With these gifts, Link the Second shall be guided through the valley of life. He is truly one special child, a child of destiny."
Link: (Rauru) "Now let us all kneel down and pray for his favor"
I held Link tight as I watched our little son get his final blessing. A tear of happiness ran down my cheek as I thought of what beautiful gifts were given to our special little son. Our son was truly a descendant of my "Hero of Time."
Link: PRINCESS ZELDA IS - oh fuck it
After the blessing was complete our final place for Link Jr to receive a gift was from the Great Deku Tree.
ZeldaQueen: Ah yes, this
Link: What?
ZeldaQueen: When Jenna was given her fairy, the Great Deku Tree told her to come back with their first born child, so that kid could be given a gift as well
Link: Great. Can't imagine where this is going
After some final words Link and I took our son and headed for Kokiri Forest. Saria came with us.
Link: And this is mentioned for no real reason
Once we arrived at the Great Deku Tree he awoke from his slumber. "Ah Link and Jenna, I have been expecting thee. Come and sit." As we sat down in the grass as little Link giggled and reached for a butterfly that fluttered near his head.
ZeldaQueen: Aw, how cute! *stabbity*
"I see thou have had thy first born.
ZeldaQueen: Yeah, all of Hyrule knows about it, I believe
As promised I give thee a special gift." I watched as a small glowing light flew over to us. Then I noticed it was a fairy. "A fairy for our son, this is truly the best gift of all." I thought to myself.
Link: Wait, hadn't she been going on about how her son was the best gift of all?
ZeldaQueen: But of course! A fairy from the game is so much better than knowledge, wisdom, power, courage, friendship, compassion, or love
As the small blue fairy flew around our son, he giggled and tried to reached for her. "Hello. My name is Aria. Nice to meet you." The fairy said as she fluttered in a circle around our little son.
ZeldaQueen: Another annoyingly sugary fairy. Just what this story needed
Link: Who wants to take bets that the thing is utterly useless?
ZeldaQueen: I'm not that dumb
I smiled as the young fairy played with Link Jr.
Link: Um, how? It's a ball of light
Then as I looked into Link's eyes, he saw a tear run down my face as I smiled. "Our son truly is very special.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, he's "special"
He's our little miracle." I laid my head on Link's shoulder as he stroked my right arm. Our son was very special indeed, he was the son of a legend
ZeldaQueen: Once more, with spirit
Link & ZeldaQueen: ZELDA IS THE LEGEND! HENCE THE NAME LEGEND OF ZELDA! AUGH!
ZeldaQueen: And on that note, we are D.O.N.E.
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Link: By the goddesses, this is awful! How do you deal with it?
ZeldaQueen: Well, I actually got a gift from a friend who assured me this would help. *Devours one of das_mervin's man-catching brownies in one bite*
Link: How's it taste?
ZeldaQueen: *goes into coma*
Link: What? Hey! Wake up!
Projection Room Voices: Huh, she looks pretty out of it. Let's hope she wakes up by next update
Link: What if she doesn't?
Projection Room Voices: Then you'll have to spork by yourself
Link: *screams obscenities*
Onward to: Chapter 12: Down the Road
Back to: Chapter 10: The Miracle
Return to: Table of Content