My Inner life: Chapter 1 - The Beginning (Part 1)
ZeldaQueen: And we finally get to meet the Sue! Hooray!
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 1: The Beginning (Part 1)
ZeldaQueen: Oh, and quick note before we start - the Suethor who wrote this had incredibly bad grammar skills. I don't mean the usual comma abuse or screwing up "its" and "it's". She does this weird thing where she will put quote marks around every sentence in dialogue, even if it's the same person speaking (example, "My name is Jenna, I'm a traveling merchant from the Great Lebian Coast." "My village is there." "I have been a friend of the Royal Family for a long time." "And I come every year for Hyrule's annual Spring Festival." - all of this spoken by Jenna). She also had some weird aversion to starting new paragraphs when different people would speak.
I'm going to try to fix that as much as possible for your viewing convenience. If I miss something however, that's what's going on. Apologies for any potential confusion.I will never forget the day, the day I met Link.
ZeldaQueen: My, what a gripping way to start a story!
It was a warm spring day; I was on my usual trip back to Hyrule with my wagon of goods to sell in Hyrule market at the annual Spring Festival (1).
ZeldaQueen: Paging the Department of Redundancy Department! And that footnote she put there folks? This is what it is, “The Spring Festival is a celebration of the upcoming season change from Winter to Spring. This celebration is held every year to celebrate the planting of the year's crops and to prey to Mother Sclyina for a prosperous crop season." In other words, the Spring Festival is a festival held in the Spring. Well, that clears that up!
And stop making up real-life analogies for this. Hyrule already has Din, Nayru, and Faore to pray to
I have been a traveling merchant since I was fourteen. This is my sixth year returning to Hyrule.
ZeldaQueen: Returning from where? How did you become a merchant at such a young age? Where is your family? How do you manage the life of a merchant? Did you just drop out of the sky ten minutes ago?
…this is going to be a long sporking
The last two years I was not able to return when Princess Zelda sent word of an evil presence in Hyrule. Then all contact was lost. For almost two years I tried to contact Princess Zelda.
ZeldaQueen: Zelda’s a princess. She’s running a kingdom. So sorry she couldn’t be bothered to keep in touch with the Sue
Desperately I kept trying to find out if she was ok. I was never too long without contact with my good friend.
ZeldaQueen: Your good friend? Zelda? SHE IS A PRINCESS, YOU DUNGHEAD! My God, if that isn’t arrogant…
Then I was considering going to investigate, when one-day word came in that peace had been restored to Hyrule do to the legendary "Hero of Time."
ZeldaQueen: Why is Hero of Time in quotes? It’s a title. Do you doubt he’s the real Hero of Time or something? Actually, that’s probably it. I also find it hard to believe that canon Link and the emasculated wimp you’ll be latching on to are the same person.
After some catching up time with my old friend I came to find out what really happened. Seems that a Gerudo named Gannondorf, an evil man from Gerduo Valley, desired the legendary Triforce. Though the Triforce was only told in fairy tales to the children where I come from, I was amazed to find out it really existed.
ZeldaQueen: Stop it! It’s Ganondorf, only two “n”s in there! And that’s a mighty casual way to state things, considering that Ganondorf gained the King of Hyrule’s trust, betrayed and most likely murdered him, had Zelda on the run for years, enslaved virtually everyone in Hyrule, and let monsters roam freely, all to get the Triforce. And again, where are you from? The Triforce is Hyrule’s sacred relic. Why would it be mentioned in your land? Hyrule people never mention the holy objects of other places.
Also, I find it very difficult to believe that you’d be let in on what is a very closely-guarded secret kept by the Royal Family. I don’t care how buddy-buddy you and Zelda allegedly are, she wouldn’t spill such important information to someone who has no need to know it - someone like you.
She told me how she played with things she knew nothing about.
ZeldaQueen: I…she…*sputters* You…I can’t believe you! Zelda was virtually the only one who knew what was going on! She was the one who bothered to make any sort of a plan to save the Kingdom! She was the only one who was taking any initiative to stop Ganondorf and you just implied that she was like some ignorant child who was “playing” around with things that she “knew nothing about”. BULL, I SAY! Considering that her plan worked perfectly until the very end, I’d say she knew quite well what she was doing.
And about how Gannondorf tricked the soon to be "Hero of Time" into unlocking the door to the Sacred Realm.
ZeldaQueen: Ganondorf didn’t trick Link. He followed him to the Temple of Time and saw his chance to grab the Triforce first.
I even noticed that Zelda was a little older then I. Last I saw her she was four years younger then me. It was told to me that when Gannondorf went into the Temple of Time and into the Scared Realm, time jumped ahead in Hyrule seven years. Yet only two years passed in my land. And in the rest of the world.
ZeldaQueen: Um…that’s not how it worked. When Link pulled the Master Sword, he fell asleep for seven years so that he’d be old enough to wield it. There was no time jump at all and this all had nothing to do with Ganondorf getting the Triforce. Time passed normally, it just was that Link was asleep for it. If seven years passed in Hyrule, then seven years ought to have passed in the rest of the world.
After the "Hero of Time" defeated the King of Evil, the hero was granted to either return to the past or to remain in the present time. Since he chose to remain in the present Zelda jumped ahead of me in age by four years.
ZeldaQueen: He didn’t choose to stay in the present! That was the point! When the game ended, Zelda sent him back in time so that he could warn her past self about everything. This created the split in the Legend of Zelda timeline for the games you insist never happened.
And we know why you kept him in the present, so that you could hook up with him and have not-so-sweet monkey love. Blah!
It seems that everyone in Hyrule jumped in age from the rest of the world. But now that peace was restored life resumed in Hyrule....
ZeldaQueen: I dub those ellipses “unnecessary”
As I made my way down the desert trail that led to Hyrule I begun to think about whom the "Legendary Hero of Time" was.
ZeldaQueen: The “Hero of Time” - the untold story!
I was very interested in meeting this man. Princess Zelda never told me his name, but I was going to make it a point this time to finally meet Hyrule's Hero.
ZeldaQueen: Because as a Sue, she needs to brownnose and get in tight with every major character so that she can derail their personalities and horn in on their shining moments
As I turned off the dirt trail and onto Hyrule field, Hyrule castle appeared in the distance. Dust and dirt kicked up behind the wheels of my wagon as it creaked along. Then as I came closer to the gates of Hyrule castle, a familiar face appeared to greet me. I pulled back on the reins to make the horses come to a complete stop at the front gate, and I realized that the person greeting me was my good friend Princess Zelda.
ZeldaQueen: Excuse me? Why would Zelda leave the castle to greet you? She’s a princess, far more important than a merchant. You would go to her. Plus, is Zelda even allowed to leave the castle?
I have been a good friend of the Royal Family ever since my first arrival in Hyrule six years ago for Hyrule's annual Spring Festival.
ZeldaQueen: And of course you never tell us how you got to be friends with Zelda. It makes no sense! Link couldn’t even get easy access to see her and he was the Hero of Time!!!
Ever since the first day I met the Princess I have been one of her closest friends.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, this is beautiful! She meets the princess once, under unknown circumstances, and they became the bestest of friends after one meeting! And this Suethor can’t understand that Jenna is a Mary Sue? I don’t care if she’s following her dreams, couldn’t she be the least bit bothered to write in some backstory for how this happened?
I was even considered part of the Royal Family.
ZeldaQueen: BITCH, YOU DID NOT!
Did you all see that? “Part of the Royal Family”??? I CAN NOT BELIEVE HOW ARROGANT THIS IS AND I HAD BEST PASS OVER IT AND LEAVE YOU ALL TO DO THE RANTING. I FEEL I CAN’T DO IT JUSTICE!
After I climbed down from my perch on the wagon, I ran over to Zelda and hugged her. "Hello Princess Zelda my good friend, yes it is good to see you. How have you been?" Looking at her I could tell she was happy to see me.
ZeldaQueen: The dialogue! It burns us!
"Oh it is so good to see you again my friend! Come, come, father is waiting to see you!"
ZeldaQueen: Of course he is. Because he’s got nothing better to do than wait around to meet with the Sue. Not like he has to run the kingdom or anything, nope.
Leaving my wagon to be tended to by the stable hands I followed Zelda through the market place and to the gates that lead to the castle. As we approached the castle gates I saw some of the same guards I have seen in the past few years.
ZeldaQueen: For my peace of mind, I’ll pretend that she only saw these guards before because she had to sneak past them to get into the castle (like Link had to, you know?).
Saluting to Princess Zelda and me was a guard named Perrino. I met him a few years back, during one of my first visits to Hyrule. He was one of the guards that befriended me the first time I arrived. He smiled a friendly smile as we passed by.
ZeldaQueen: And I’m going to pretend he is the guard Link had to bribe to get in. Saluting the Sue… *eye twitches*
Oh, and “smiled a friendly smile”? *kills with a spork*
"Its nice to see you again Mistress Jenna." He said as he waved.
ZeldaQueen: This Suethor seems to have slept through any lessons on basic dialogue structures
As I smiled back I thought to myself how good it was to be back again. We went through the front gate and made our way towards the palace garden. Upon approaching the gates leading to the garden another familiar face appeared to greet me. As we walked closer I realized that the face was of Zelda's caretaker Impa of the Sheikahs. As I walked over to Impa she turned to fully face me and a small smile crossed her face.
ZeldaQueen: And yet another person to fawn over the Sue. Terrific. Link’s Queen, you do know that just because Link was friends with these people doesn’t mean that everyone can be, do you?
"Its good to see you again my friend. How has life been treating you?" Impa asked and put a hand on my shoulder.
"Oh fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. I had to chase some thief's off on the first night that I was on my way here. Though after some facing time off I was able to chase them away with my bow."
ZeldaQueen: Chased off some thief’s what?
Then I made a big grin as I remembered the looks on the thief's faces when I rained arrows on them.
"Well it seems that with the abilities you posses you should have no problem keeping your possessions safe."
ZeldaQueen: Keep this all in mind folks, this action girl stuff, for later in the fic when Jenna is crying and clinging to Link for safety.
With another smile Impa gestured for us to go into the garden.
ZeldaQueen: With her middle finger, I hope.
That is where I met him. The man that took my heart.
ZeldaQueen: It was a valiant attempt to kill the Sue, but unfortunately he was still leeched onto
As we walked into the garden I saw a young man in green with his back facing us polishing a rather odd sword. As I watched him I had begun to notice something about the sword. It had a rather odd shape on the hilt. The hilt was blue with the top of the hilt looking like a fishes tail. The sword looked rather strangely familiar. I leaned over to Princess Zelda and asked her who the young man was.
ZeldaQueen: Oh no, there is no way I’ll believe that she knows what the Master Sword looks like. It’s a hidden treasure of Hyrule that only the Hero of Time can wield! She should not know about these things!
"That is the Legendary "Hero of Time," his name is Link." Zelda replied.
ZeldaQueen: That sentence physically pained me
My eyes grew as big as saucers as I turned to look back at him. "You mean he is the "Hero of Time" you told me about? The one who saved Hyrule? Then that must be the Legendary Master Sword he is holding?"
ZeldaQueen: HOW THE FRIG DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT THE MASTER SWORD? AND NO, I WON’T ACCEPT “ZELDA TOLD HER” AS AN EXCUSE!
Zelda nodded yes. Just then Link turned to look at us. And with one look at his face my heart sank into my chest. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid my eyes upon. At that very moment I fell in love.
ZeldaQueen: Jesus Christ, this is Twilight all over again! If she starts comparing him to Adonis and saying his chiseled abs sparkle in the sunlight, I’m quitting
His eyes were like looking down into deep blue pools of water.
ZeldaQueen: Which I drowned her in
His lips firm.
ZeldaQueen: His lips firm what? I think you need a “were” in there
His ears long and sexy.
ZeldaQueen: His ears were sexy? Okay, now you’re just reaching!
Beautiful blond hair that parted in the middle. And his body was so tight and muscular that it took my breath away.
ZeldaQueen: The Sue then suffocated and then died
When our eyes met, I blushed and swiftly looked away. He approached me and took my hand in his, gently kissed it and asked, "Who might this beautiful young lady be?"
ZeldaQueen: Annnnnnd he’s already in love with her. Charming. I think this may be a record or something, I don’t even thing Boromir started hitting on Caradin the very first moment they met
I turned my head back to face him, and as our eyes met again I blushed. "My name is Jenna, I'm a traveling merchant from the Great Lebian Coast.
ZeldaQueen: You know, spell check keeps wanting to make that “Lesbian Coast” or “Plebian Coast” *giggle snort*
And please stop making up places, okay?
"My village is there.
ZeldaQueen: Hence your coming from there
I have been a friend of the Royal Family for a long time.
ZeldaQueen: Which is never explained!
And I come every year for Hyrule's annual Spring Festival."
ZeldaQueen: Which comes every spring
He looked into my eyes and smiled. Watching him smile made my heart pound in my chest.
ZeldaQueen: What do you want to bet her heart actually stops when they kiss?
He again took my hand in his, kissed it again and spoke. "Nice to meet you Mistress Jenna. You are as beautiful as a winter rose."
ZeldaQueen: Now that’s just cheesy. Link is not cheesy, darn it!
He said as he stared at me with his enchanted blue eyes.
ZeldaQueen: You already specified that he was the one talking! You don’t have to do it again. Or was this yet another excuse to wax on about his eyes?
"Th-Thank you." I stammered as I blushed again.
ZeldaQueen: And with a Big Strong Man on the scene, Jenna the Action Girl is replaced with Jenna the Quivering Juliet. It’s not an improvement at all
"What are you doing tonight?" He asked with a soft smile.
ZeldaQueen: - the frig? They just met and he’s already asking her out on a date?!?
Stunned, not believing my ears I turned and looked directly into his eyes again. "Nothing really.
ZeldaQueen: Just stare at a picture of you I have and mutter “My precious”
I was just going to retire to my wagon and cook supper before settling in front of a fire to read a book."
ZeldaQueen: Way to make your character sound Deep and Intellectual, Suethor. You just pulled off Bella Swan. I think it goes without saying that hate Bella Swan
With a glint in his eyes he asked, "Why don't you join me tonight in Kokiri Village for the annual Spring Night celebration? (2)
ZeldaQueen: For the zero or so of you who care, here’s what that second footnote is - “Spring Night is a celebration feast that happens before the Spring festival. Spring Night is kind of like our Christmas Eve.” I’m pretty sure that we could have figured this out on our own, but whatever. Looks like Link’s already asking the Sue out to be his sweetie on a major holiday.
And how the frig is she getting into the Kokiri Village? It’s hidden! Ordinary people can’t find their way in
It is a celebration feast that happens the night before the Spring Festival."
ZeldaQueen: Oh for the love of - WHY DID YOU BOTHER WITH THE FOOTNOTE IF YOU JUST HAVE LINK EXPLAIN IT A SENTENCE LATER?
Without hesitation I took him up on his offer. "I would love to go." I said with a soft smile.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, nothing like instant wish fulfillment. And how do smiles say stuff for you?
"I will pick you up this evening." Link said with a grin. Just then a deep voice rumbled through the garden.
ZeldaQueen: “Zool, motherfucker, Zool!”
"Jenna my dear friend, how have ye been?" A grandfatherly face appeared before me. With a smile I curtseyed before the King.
ZeldaQueen: Oop, time for the King of Hyrule to kiss the Sue’s hem. And Suethor, you can’t even write in regular English. Don’t even think about trying for ye olde butchered English
"King Zelda, my old friend how have I missed you! I have been just fine. It is really nice to see you again." I said with excitement in my voice.
ZeldaQueen: Oh sweet Jesus! Link’s Queen, let me give you a bit of information - “Zelda” is the princess’s first name! Not her last! Or did you think her first name was “princess”? The King’s first name would be different, unless his own family had a sick sense of humor and gave him the traditional Hyrulian princess’s name
As always the King thought of me as a daughter and always looked forward to the day when I would arrive in Hyrule for the annual Spring Festival. He always liked to see what new merchandise I have picked up thought my travels since the last time I was there.
ZeldaQueen: BECAUSE THE KING OF HYRULE DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WAIT AROUND FOR THE SUE!
This is seriously disgusting and we have just started on the first chapter! And it’s not like this goes away, oh no! Link’s Queen doesn’t waste a moment to remind us how the King thinks of her like a daughter and gives her all kinds of favors and special treatment, treatment which we don’t even see him giving Zelda, his own daughter! In fact, we later find out that he is openly potentially going to give Jenna - no wait, I mustn’t spoil it. Save that rant for later…
And most of the time he would buy something from me. But he always liked it when I would show up since I would bring lots of fun and happiness.
ZeldaQueen: With rainbows and lollipops and bunnies! This is sounding like Barney!
As I looked at the King I realized I was some what at home.
ZeldaQueen: “Some what at home”? That’s nice, the King is bending backwards to give you preferential treatment and you’re “somewhat” at home. Gack!
As he started to approach me I ran up to the King and gave him a hug. How I missed him. Ever since my parents died when I was very young, I never let anyone get very close to me. But the King was different. He opened up to me, took me into his family and became like a father to me. He gave me a home to come to every year. When I was in Hyrule, I felt at home.
ZeldaQueen: And of course we hear nothing about this! This is all of Jenna’s backstory that we get. We don’t know how her parents die or how the King became so buddy-buddy with her. Nothing! I can’t believe it’s because she sold stuff to him. He’s the King! I can’t believe a middle-class merchant would meet the King directly. Link never met him and he saved the God damned kingdom!!!
"Jenna my sweet daughter, what have ye acquired through thy travels this past year?"
ZeldaQueen: *snarls* You are not his daughter!
I smiled at the King, "You must see some of the new cloth I picked up in the city of Skyile." The great city of light."
ZeldaQueen: Stop making up cities! “Ohhh, it’s Skyile, the great city of Light! You can also find the Triforce in that temple, if you have the Golden Hookshot!” Bite me!
I smiled, as the King's eyes grew big. "Jenna my daughter, you must show me what you've acquired." Then he took my hand and began to lead me out of the garden. With one last look back at Link, I smiled at him. "See you tonight." I said before I left. After spending some time with the King, he brought some of my new cloth then let me settle in for the night.
ZeldaQueen: I am disgusted. I really am. Not one chapter in and we already have the King of Hyrule fawning over this Sue who he shouldn’t even know exists. I find it impossible to believe that a middle-class merchant could provide him with anything that would impress him. He’s the king! He’s probably got a ton of people who import cloth for him! And I’m going to just pass on that disgusting bit about him taking her hand. It makes me want to spit fire
I returned to the inside of my wagon and prepared a hot bath.
ZeldaQueen: Well that was an awkward jump
I went to the mirror and brushed my hair while I waited for the water to heat up. After about five minuets the water was ready. As I slipped down into the warm water, it felt good against my sore muscles.
ZeldaQueen: And why are your muscles sore, might I ask? You didn’t seem to be doing anything too strenuous and you don’t jump Link until later in this chapter
I begun to relax and slowly let my thoughts drift. Link was the only thing on my mind. "He is sooo handsome." I thought to myself. "That is the heroic man who became the "Legendary Hero of Time" and saved Hyrule from a life of darkness."
ZeldaQueen: I give up. Forget Arianna Black, this is the fan fiction Meyer wrote before she picked up on the purple prose
Though something tugged at the back of my mind. I remembered that I had wanted to marry one day. And Link would be a good choice since he was my age, strong, smart, and handsome and would help make strong beautiful children. Yes indeed Link would make a good husband.
ZeldaQueen: YOU JUST MET HIM! YOU JUST MET HIM AND YOU’RE ALREADY DARING TO CONSIDER HIM FOR MARRIAGE??? AND ON WHAT GROUNDS? THAT HE’S ATTRACTIVE, STRONG, AND SMART (HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT, MIGHT I ASK?) AND CAN GIVE YOU “BEAUTIFUL” CHILDREN? WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE SHARING COMMON EXPERIENCES AND GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER? LINK’S QUEEN, YOU FREAKING LIAR, THIS IS NOT LOVE! THIS IS BASE LUST, PURE AND SIMPLE! PEOPLE IN LOVE DON’T CALCULATE QUALITIES IN A PROSPECTIVE PARTNER LIKE THEY’RE BREEDING HORSES! GOOD DAY AND DIE!
Then I took the soap and washed up. After I washed I got out of the tub and dried off. I went to the wardrobe closet to pick out a dress for this evening's occasion.
ZeldaQueen: Costume Porn Incoming!
After some rummaging, I picked a low v cut white dress with lace that held the v together. Gold embroidered Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress. And the sleeves started from mid arm and ran all the way down my arm to my wrist. Next I picked a gold choker with the Triforce symbol for around my neck. And a gold Triforce ring for my finger. Then I had to do my hair. I braided my hair into a halo braid and ran a beautiful silver lace through it. After that I went to the full-length mirror to look at myself. As I looked myself over, a knock came at the door.
ZeldaQueen: …Well I’m astonished. Seriously, the author can’t give us a backstory to this character but can provide this amount of detail on a dress she’s wearing? Oh, and head’s up dear viewers - Jenna loves using the Triforce on every piece of jewelry and clothing she wears. Apparently she missed the memo that the Triforce is a holy relic which is really only kept known to the Royal Family and a few others, hence why we only really see Zelda as the one with any Triforce images on her clothes.
Also, how the frig does she afford all of this stuff? Like I said, that sort of clothing was really only worn by Zelda in the game. The middle-class merchants dressed in much plainer outfits. And if LQ says that it’s all because the King of Hyrule and Zelda gave the clothes to her, I’ll scream (given what happens at the wedding though, it seems quite likely…)
"Come!" I yelled.
ZeldaQueen: Woah, not on your first date! We’ll be hearing about that later!
Appearing in the doorway was the man I had set my eyes on.
ZeldaQueen: Best go get your eyes back off of him then
His eyes grew big, as he looked me over. "You look beautiful tonight." Link said as he took my hand and kissed it. Then he led me out the door.
ZeldaQueen: Would it be forgivable if I broke down weeping right now? Oh Link, I’m so sorry!
There were two horses in front saddled for riding. One was a rust colored mare with a white main and tail with a black mussel. The other was one of my brown mares with a black main and tail. The one he had gotten was the one with the white star on her forehead. The one whom I named "Star Dancer."
ZeldaQueen: Typical Sue name. I don’t think that horse shows up again though, so I have no idea why she bothered to name it
He led me to my mare and helped me into the saddle.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, because a traveling merchant who lives in a horse-drawn cart would need help getting on a horse! Suethor, you can either make Jenna be a co-dependant damsel or a tough independent chick. You can’t have both!
Then he mounted the other horse. Looking back at me his eyes seemed to glow in the moonlight.’
ZeldaQueen: *beats head on wall*
"Follow me, I will lead the way." Then he booted the horse in the legs and took off at a slow gallop. I then followed.
ZeldaQueen: YOUR SENTENCE STRUCTURES SUCK AND THIS IS INCREDIBLY BORING! DO SOMETHING!
We rode to the south side of Hyrule field and came upon a long dark tunnel. "This way!" Link called. "Through here!" I watched as Link disappeared into the tunnel. Then I followed. At the other end we crossed a bridge and then into what seemed to be a village.
ZeldaQueen: She was then attacked by Those We Do Not Speak Of since she was from wicked places where wicked people live
Little people wearing green clothes that looked like kids started to surround us when we stopped.
ZeldaQueen: Your pseudo-old English is slipping. And the Kokiri are kids. Are you implying that they’re actually midgets?
"This is the Kokiri Village. The place where I was raised."
ZeldaQueen: The fragments. Are sucky
Link said as he dismounted.
ZeldaQueen: AH!
After I dismounted one of the kid like Kokiri
ZeldaQueen: WOAH there!
took our horses to tend to them. As I walked around the village the child like people began watching me.
ZeldaQueen: They are children!
They all seemed very curious to who I was.
ZeldaQueen: Well, can’t exactly blame that on the Sue, since it’s established canon that the Kokiri never see adults too often and thus stare in awe at adult Link when he shows up
As I looked around at them I noticed that they had something floating around them. As I took a closer look I noticed that they looked like fairies from the fairy tales told to us in our village as kids.
ZeldaQueen: Of course! How convenient! Is there nothing that this Sue has not yet been let in on?
"Were these really fairies from the stories I heard as a child?" I thought to myself.
ZeldaQueen: I’m going to say “no” just to spite you
Just then one of the Kokiri, a young girl approached me. "My name is Saria, what's yours?" The young girl asked.
ZeldaQueen: Great, now the Sages are going to start fawning over her
"My name is Jenna, it's a pleasure to meet you." I replied.
ZeldaQueen: (Jenna) “I’m a Sue, I shall now eat your soul!”
"Are you the one that came with my friend Link for our Spring Night Festival?" Saria's eyes seemed to glow at that moment.
ZeldaQueen: And Link’s Queen has just opened cannon fire on one fan ship. Goodbye Saria, you’re Sue Food now. It was nice to know you!
"Yes he invited me." I said as a smile crossed the Kokiri girl's face.
ZeldaQueen: Hopefully it looked both ways for traffic first
I could tell that she knew I had my eyes set on Link, though she remained silent about it.
ZeldaQueen: Of course she remained silent about it! That’s all the potential rivals do in this fic, stay quiet except for when they’re doing something to hook the Sue up with Link!
There were male Kokiri as well.
ZeldaQueen: Well that was a strange subject jump
One in particular was one named Mido. He was the leader of the Kokiri and a dear friend of Saria and Link.
ZeldaQueen: Actually Mido was very jealous of Link and seemed to have a crush on Saria. Never mind those pesky facts though, move along
He had a sense of humor but he yet remained stern and headstrong for he was their leader and was responsible for their lives.
ZeldaQueen: Mido? Have a sense of humor? Oh hahahahhaha, that is priceless! Mido was blustering and perpetually grumpy. There is nothing in the game to suggest that he had a sense of humor
It was time for the feast, Saria gestured for me to join them at the feast table.
ZeldaQueen: If you use the word “feast” one more time…
She led me to the seat next to Link. As I sat down next to him she smiled and winked at me. "Did she plan this?" I asked myself, and then smiled.
ZeldaQueen: How convenient that there was an extra place setting. Saria must have worked fast to switch around everyone’s places to accommodate the Sue
After a moment I looked over all of the food. There was a great abundance of food to eat.
ZeldaQueen: Stop repeating words! There are pronouns and articles, use them!!!
There was cooked pork in a rich chestnut cream sauce, beef stew, cooked turkey, all different kinds of cheeses, bread and butter, cooked vegetables and even many different kinds of fruit.
ZeldaQueen: Fruits and vegetables I can give her since they‘re in a forest, and sort of the butter and cheeses because Link was given that cow for a present from Malon (I guess that could also explain the beef stew…) but cooked pork and turkey? (why specify that it’s cooked? Would they be serving raw meat at meals?) Rich chestnut cream sauce? Bread? Where would they get that?
My mouth began to water as I combed over the food. After I served myself, I began to eat.
ZeldaQueen: You know, I can figure things like that out for myself. Generally people serve themselves with the intention of eating it afterwards. Or did you think we’d assume that you would just stare at the food after serving yourself?
As I was eating I could not help but notice that Link was watching me out of the corner of his eye.
I could feel his stare. Though it was pleasant.
ZeldaQueen: Oh fuck, here we go.
And STOP WITH THE FRAGMENTS! My story “Tamagotchi’s Busy Day” had better sentence structures and I wrote that in the second grade!
Then our eyes met and a smile crossed his face.
ZeldaQueen: But it didn’t have the Walk Signal so it was quickly run over
As I stared into his eyes they seemed to glow under the light of the moon.
ZeldaQueen: If she mentions those glowing eyes one more time…
He even looked more handsome in the moonlight. And I told myself that I would be crazy to pass up a man like this.
ZeldaQueen: What an arrogant person! He has asked her out on one date, ONE FREAKING DATE and she’s already assuming that he’s considering marriage? I HATE HER!
After everyone finished eating, all of the Kokiri got up and started to dance. Some of the Kokiri even played instruments. As the music drifted in the air Link took my hand in his. "Would you care to dance?"
ZeldaQueen: This is contrived and stupid
I looked at him and smiled. "Yes, I'd love to." He led me to where everyone else was and we started to dance.
ZeldaQueen: I hate this Suethor and her inability to use different words
We danced and drank long into the night.
ZeldaQueen: And then died because I slipped poison in the wine *cackles* (Wait, the Kokiri are children - what are they drinking?)
And to show my appreciation I even did a solo dance.
ZeldaQueen: Oh yes Jenna, you are so wonderful to grace them with a dance! Given what’s going to be coming up, I wouldn’t be surprised if that “solo dance” involved a garter belt and a pole
Then after I did my dance I went to sit down and rest. I was tired. Link came and sat down beside me. "You look real tired.
ZeldaQueen: REALLY, I COULDN’T TELL!
Are you ready to retire." Link said as he put his hand on my shoulder.
ZeldaQueen: *face palm* Question marks motherfucker! Do you know them?
I nodded yes and tried to get up and walk. But I was so tired and had too much to drink that I stumbled.
ZeldaQueen: Jesus, they really were serving wine! Someone should call the cops on them, I’m pretty sure they’re all underage
Catching me in his arms, Link led me back to where I was sitting.
ZeldaQueen: How far did she get?
"I think it would be wise if you stay here tonight. I have plenty of room and I can escort you back to the castle in the morning."
ZeldaQueen: Yes, because the Kokiri, innocent child-like beings, will be perfectly fine with a slutty lady and the Hero of Time boinking in said hero’s tree house.
And “plenty of room” my foot! It’s a one-roomed place, with one bed I might add! Link lived in there as a child!
Link looked at me with a worried look and I decided to stay.
ZeldaQueen: And now I’m getting My Immortal flashbacks, especially with that costume porn. Hmm, my new fan theory - Tara Gillespie used to be a Legend of Zelda fan girl and wrote this before moving on to Harry Potter. She also sustained a head injury sometime in the transition, hence why her later work was one huge Big Lipped Alligator of a fanfic
And that is how we spent every night together, even up to the night when I finally shared his bed.
ZeldaQueen: *whimpers* And the Great Deku Tree is alright with this?
And again, it was a child-sized bed. How the flying frig did they both fit in there?
I started to know within side myself that Link was the one I wanted to be with. Even more so on the night when I shared myself with him......
ZeldaQueen: “Started to know”? Lady, you’ve said you want to marry him twice before now!
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ZeldaQueen: And I've had enough for one session. After a break, we'll get the rest of chapter one. Ohhh man will we ever...
Onward to: Chapter 1: The Beginning (Part 2)
Back to: Prologue
Return to: Table of Contents
Projection Room Voices: Starting Media in 3...2...1...
Chapter 1: The Beginning (Part 1)
ZeldaQueen: Oh, and quick note before we start - the Suethor who wrote this had incredibly bad grammar skills. I don't mean the usual comma abuse or screwing up "its" and "it's". She does this weird thing where she will put quote marks around every sentence in dialogue, even if it's the same person speaking (example, "My name is Jenna, I'm a traveling merchant from the Great Lebian Coast." "My village is there." "I have been a friend of the Royal Family for a long time." "And I come every year for Hyrule's annual Spring Festival." - all of this spoken by Jenna). She also had some weird aversion to starting new paragraphs when different people would speak.
I'm going to try to fix that as much as possible for your viewing convenience. If I miss something however, that's what's going on. Apologies for any potential confusion.I will never forget the day, the day I met Link.
ZeldaQueen: My, what a gripping way to start a story!
It was a warm spring day; I was on my usual trip back to Hyrule with my wagon of goods to sell in Hyrule market at the annual Spring Festival (1).
ZeldaQueen: Paging the Department of Redundancy Department! And that footnote she put there folks? This is what it is, “The Spring Festival is a celebration of the upcoming season change from Winter to Spring. This celebration is held every year to celebrate the planting of the year's crops and to prey to Mother Sclyina for a prosperous crop season." In other words, the Spring Festival is a festival held in the Spring. Well, that clears that up!
And stop making up real-life analogies for this. Hyrule already has Din, Nayru, and Faore to pray to
I have been a traveling merchant since I was fourteen. This is my sixth year returning to Hyrule.
ZeldaQueen: Returning from where? How did you become a merchant at such a young age? Where is your family? How do you manage the life of a merchant? Did you just drop out of the sky ten minutes ago?
…this is going to be a long sporking
The last two years I was not able to return when Princess Zelda sent word of an evil presence in Hyrule. Then all contact was lost. For almost two years I tried to contact Princess Zelda.
ZeldaQueen: Zelda’s a princess. She’s running a kingdom. So sorry she couldn’t be bothered to keep in touch with the Sue
Desperately I kept trying to find out if she was ok. I was never too long without contact with my good friend.
ZeldaQueen: Your good friend? Zelda? SHE IS A PRINCESS, YOU DUNGHEAD! My God, if that isn’t arrogant…
Then I was considering going to investigate, when one-day word came in that peace had been restored to Hyrule do to the legendary "Hero of Time."
ZeldaQueen: Why is Hero of Time in quotes? It’s a title. Do you doubt he’s the real Hero of Time or something? Actually, that’s probably it. I also find it hard to believe that canon Link and the emasculated wimp you’ll be latching on to are the same person.
After some catching up time with my old friend I came to find out what really happened. Seems that a Gerudo named Gannondorf, an evil man from Gerduo Valley, desired the legendary Triforce. Though the Triforce was only told in fairy tales to the children where I come from, I was amazed to find out it really existed.
ZeldaQueen: Stop it! It’s Ganondorf, only two “n”s in there! And that’s a mighty casual way to state things, considering that Ganondorf gained the King of Hyrule’s trust, betrayed and most likely murdered him, had Zelda on the run for years, enslaved virtually everyone in Hyrule, and let monsters roam freely, all to get the Triforce. And again, where are you from? The Triforce is Hyrule’s sacred relic. Why would it be mentioned in your land? Hyrule people never mention the holy objects of other places.
Also, I find it very difficult to believe that you’d be let in on what is a very closely-guarded secret kept by the Royal Family. I don’t care how buddy-buddy you and Zelda allegedly are, she wouldn’t spill such important information to someone who has no need to know it - someone like you.
She told me how she played with things she knew nothing about.
ZeldaQueen: I…she…*sputters* You…I can’t believe you! Zelda was virtually the only one who knew what was going on! She was the one who bothered to make any sort of a plan to save the Kingdom! She was the only one who was taking any initiative to stop Ganondorf and you just implied that she was like some ignorant child who was “playing” around with things that she “knew nothing about”. BULL, I SAY! Considering that her plan worked perfectly until the very end, I’d say she knew quite well what she was doing.
And about how Gannondorf tricked the soon to be "Hero of Time" into unlocking the door to the Sacred Realm.
ZeldaQueen: Ganondorf didn’t trick Link. He followed him to the Temple of Time and saw his chance to grab the Triforce first.
I even noticed that Zelda was a little older then I. Last I saw her she was four years younger then me. It was told to me that when Gannondorf went into the Temple of Time and into the Scared Realm, time jumped ahead in Hyrule seven years. Yet only two years passed in my land. And in the rest of the world.
ZeldaQueen: Um…that’s not how it worked. When Link pulled the Master Sword, he fell asleep for seven years so that he’d be old enough to wield it. There was no time jump at all and this all had nothing to do with Ganondorf getting the Triforce. Time passed normally, it just was that Link was asleep for it. If seven years passed in Hyrule, then seven years ought to have passed in the rest of the world.
After the "Hero of Time" defeated the King of Evil, the hero was granted to either return to the past or to remain in the present time. Since he chose to remain in the present Zelda jumped ahead of me in age by four years.
ZeldaQueen: He didn’t choose to stay in the present! That was the point! When the game ended, Zelda sent him back in time so that he could warn her past self about everything. This created the split in the Legend of Zelda timeline for the games you insist never happened.
And we know why you kept him in the present, so that you could hook up with him and have not-so-sweet monkey love. Blah!
It seems that everyone in Hyrule jumped in age from the rest of the world. But now that peace was restored life resumed in Hyrule....
ZeldaQueen: I dub those ellipses “unnecessary”
As I made my way down the desert trail that led to Hyrule I begun to think about whom the "Legendary Hero of Time" was.
ZeldaQueen: The “Hero of Time” - the untold story!
I was very interested in meeting this man. Princess Zelda never told me his name, but I was going to make it a point this time to finally meet Hyrule's Hero.
ZeldaQueen: Because as a Sue, she needs to brownnose and get in tight with every major character so that she can derail their personalities and horn in on their shining moments
As I turned off the dirt trail and onto Hyrule field, Hyrule castle appeared in the distance. Dust and dirt kicked up behind the wheels of my wagon as it creaked along. Then as I came closer to the gates of Hyrule castle, a familiar face appeared to greet me. I pulled back on the reins to make the horses come to a complete stop at the front gate, and I realized that the person greeting me was my good friend Princess Zelda.
ZeldaQueen: Excuse me? Why would Zelda leave the castle to greet you? She’s a princess, far more important than a merchant. You would go to her. Plus, is Zelda even allowed to leave the castle?
I have been a good friend of the Royal Family ever since my first arrival in Hyrule six years ago for Hyrule's annual Spring Festival.
ZeldaQueen: And of course you never tell us how you got to be friends with Zelda. It makes no sense! Link couldn’t even get easy access to see her and he was the Hero of Time!!!
Ever since the first day I met the Princess I have been one of her closest friends.
ZeldaQueen: Oh, this is beautiful! She meets the princess once, under unknown circumstances, and they became the bestest of friends after one meeting! And this Suethor can’t understand that Jenna is a Mary Sue? I don’t care if she’s following her dreams, couldn’t she be the least bit bothered to write in some backstory for how this happened?
I was even considered part of the Royal Family.
ZeldaQueen: BITCH, YOU DID NOT!
Did you all see that? “Part of the Royal Family”??? I CAN NOT BELIEVE HOW ARROGANT THIS IS AND I HAD BEST PASS OVER IT AND LEAVE YOU ALL TO DO THE RANTING. I FEEL I CAN’T DO IT JUSTICE!
After I climbed down from my perch on the wagon, I ran over to Zelda and hugged her. "Hello Princess Zelda my good friend, yes it is good to see you. How have you been?" Looking at her I could tell she was happy to see me.
ZeldaQueen: The dialogue! It burns us!
"Oh it is so good to see you again my friend! Come, come, father is waiting to see you!"
ZeldaQueen: Of course he is. Because he’s got nothing better to do than wait around to meet with the Sue. Not like he has to run the kingdom or anything, nope.
Leaving my wagon to be tended to by the stable hands I followed Zelda through the market place and to the gates that lead to the castle. As we approached the castle gates I saw some of the same guards I have seen in the past few years.
ZeldaQueen: For my peace of mind, I’ll pretend that she only saw these guards before because she had to sneak past them to get into the castle (like Link had to, you know?).
Saluting to Princess Zelda and me was a guard named Perrino. I met him a few years back, during one of my first visits to Hyrule. He was one of the guards that befriended me the first time I arrived. He smiled a friendly smile as we passed by.
ZeldaQueen: And I’m going to pretend he is the guard Link had to bribe to get in. Saluting the Sue… *eye twitches*
Oh, and “smiled a friendly smile”? *kills with a spork*
"Its nice to see you again Mistress Jenna." He said as he waved.
ZeldaQueen: This Suethor seems to have slept through any lessons on basic dialogue structures
As I smiled back I thought to myself how good it was to be back again. We went through the front gate and made our way towards the palace garden. Upon approaching the gates leading to the garden another familiar face appeared to greet me. As we walked closer I realized that the face was of Zelda's caretaker Impa of the Sheikahs. As I walked over to Impa she turned to fully face me and a small smile crossed her face.
ZeldaQueen: And yet another person to fawn over the Sue. Terrific. Link’s Queen, you do know that just because Link was friends with these people doesn’t mean that everyone can be, do you?
"Its good to see you again my friend. How has life been treating you?" Impa asked and put a hand on my shoulder.
"Oh fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. I had to chase some thief's off on the first night that I was on my way here. Though after some facing time off I was able to chase them away with my bow."
ZeldaQueen: Chased off some thief’s what?
Then I made a big grin as I remembered the looks on the thief's faces when I rained arrows on them.
"Well it seems that with the abilities you posses you should have no problem keeping your possessions safe."
ZeldaQueen: Keep this all in mind folks, this action girl stuff, for later in the fic when Jenna is crying and clinging to Link for safety.
With another smile Impa gestured for us to go into the garden.
ZeldaQueen: With her middle finger, I hope.
That is where I met him. The man that took my heart.
ZeldaQueen: It was a valiant attempt to kill the Sue, but unfortunately he was still leeched onto
As we walked into the garden I saw a young man in green with his back facing us polishing a rather odd sword. As I watched him I had begun to notice something about the sword. It had a rather odd shape on the hilt. The hilt was blue with the top of the hilt looking like a fishes tail. The sword looked rather strangely familiar. I leaned over to Princess Zelda and asked her who the young man was.
ZeldaQueen: Oh no, there is no way I’ll believe that she knows what the Master Sword looks like. It’s a hidden treasure of Hyrule that only the Hero of Time can wield! She should not know about these things!
"That is the Legendary "Hero of Time," his name is Link." Zelda replied.
ZeldaQueen: That sentence physically pained me
My eyes grew as big as saucers as I turned to look back at him. "You mean he is the "Hero of Time" you told me about? The one who saved Hyrule? Then that must be the Legendary Master Sword he is holding?"
ZeldaQueen: HOW THE FRIG DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT THE MASTER SWORD? AND NO, I WON’T ACCEPT “ZELDA TOLD HER” AS AN EXCUSE!
Zelda nodded yes. Just then Link turned to look at us. And with one look at his face my heart sank into my chest. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid my eyes upon. At that very moment I fell in love.
ZeldaQueen: Jesus Christ, this is Twilight all over again! If she starts comparing him to Adonis and saying his chiseled abs sparkle in the sunlight, I’m quitting
His eyes were like looking down into deep blue pools of water.
ZeldaQueen: Which I drowned her in
His lips firm.
ZeldaQueen: His lips firm what? I think you need a “were” in there
His ears long and sexy.
ZeldaQueen: His ears were sexy? Okay, now you’re just reaching!
Beautiful blond hair that parted in the middle. And his body was so tight and muscular that it took my breath away.
ZeldaQueen: The Sue then suffocated and then died
When our eyes met, I blushed and swiftly looked away. He approached me and took my hand in his, gently kissed it and asked, "Who might this beautiful young lady be?"
ZeldaQueen: Annnnnnd he’s already in love with her. Charming. I think this may be a record or something, I don’t even thing Boromir started hitting on Caradin the very first moment they met
I turned my head back to face him, and as our eyes met again I blushed. "My name is Jenna, I'm a traveling merchant from the Great Lebian Coast.
ZeldaQueen: You know, spell check keeps wanting to make that “Lesbian Coast” or “Plebian Coast” *giggle snort*
And please stop making up places, okay?
"My village is there.
ZeldaQueen: Hence your coming from there
I have been a friend of the Royal Family for a long time.
ZeldaQueen: Which is never explained!
And I come every year for Hyrule's annual Spring Festival."
ZeldaQueen: Which comes every spring
He looked into my eyes and smiled. Watching him smile made my heart pound in my chest.
ZeldaQueen: What do you want to bet her heart actually stops when they kiss?
He again took my hand in his, kissed it again and spoke. "Nice to meet you Mistress Jenna. You are as beautiful as a winter rose."
ZeldaQueen: Now that’s just cheesy. Link is not cheesy, darn it!
He said as he stared at me with his enchanted blue eyes.
ZeldaQueen: You already specified that he was the one talking! You don’t have to do it again. Or was this yet another excuse to wax on about his eyes?
"Th-Thank you." I stammered as I blushed again.
ZeldaQueen: And with a Big Strong Man on the scene, Jenna the Action Girl is replaced with Jenna the Quivering Juliet. It’s not an improvement at all
"What are you doing tonight?" He asked with a soft smile.
ZeldaQueen: - the frig? They just met and he’s already asking her out on a date?!?
Stunned, not believing my ears I turned and looked directly into his eyes again. "Nothing really.
ZeldaQueen: Just stare at a picture of you I have and mutter “My precious”
I was just going to retire to my wagon and cook supper before settling in front of a fire to read a book."
ZeldaQueen: Way to make your character sound Deep and Intellectual, Suethor. You just pulled off Bella Swan. I think it goes without saying that hate Bella Swan
With a glint in his eyes he asked, "Why don't you join me tonight in Kokiri Village for the annual Spring Night celebration? (2)
ZeldaQueen: For the zero or so of you who care, here’s what that second footnote is - “Spring Night is a celebration feast that happens before the Spring festival. Spring Night is kind of like our Christmas Eve.” I’m pretty sure that we could have figured this out on our own, but whatever. Looks like Link’s already asking the Sue out to be his sweetie on a major holiday.
And how the frig is she getting into the Kokiri Village? It’s hidden! Ordinary people can’t find their way in
It is a celebration feast that happens the night before the Spring Festival."
ZeldaQueen: Oh for the love of - WHY DID YOU BOTHER WITH THE FOOTNOTE IF YOU JUST HAVE LINK EXPLAIN IT A SENTENCE LATER?
Without hesitation I took him up on his offer. "I would love to go." I said with a soft smile.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, nothing like instant wish fulfillment. And how do smiles say stuff for you?
"I will pick you up this evening." Link said with a grin. Just then a deep voice rumbled through the garden.
ZeldaQueen: “Zool, motherfucker, Zool!”
"Jenna my dear friend, how have ye been?" A grandfatherly face appeared before me. With a smile I curtseyed before the King.
ZeldaQueen: Oop, time for the King of Hyrule to kiss the Sue’s hem. And Suethor, you can’t even write in regular English. Don’t even think about trying for ye olde butchered English
"King Zelda, my old friend how have I missed you! I have been just fine. It is really nice to see you again." I said with excitement in my voice.
ZeldaQueen: Oh sweet Jesus! Link’s Queen, let me give you a bit of information - “Zelda” is the princess’s first name! Not her last! Or did you think her first name was “princess”? The King’s first name would be different, unless his own family had a sick sense of humor and gave him the traditional Hyrulian princess’s name
As always the King thought of me as a daughter and always looked forward to the day when I would arrive in Hyrule for the annual Spring Festival. He always liked to see what new merchandise I have picked up thought my travels since the last time I was there.
ZeldaQueen: BECAUSE THE KING OF HYRULE DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN WAIT AROUND FOR THE SUE!
This is seriously disgusting and we have just started on the first chapter! And it’s not like this goes away, oh no! Link’s Queen doesn’t waste a moment to remind us how the King thinks of her like a daughter and gives her all kinds of favors and special treatment, treatment which we don’t even see him giving Zelda, his own daughter! In fact, we later find out that he is openly potentially going to give Jenna - no wait, I mustn’t spoil it. Save that rant for later…
And most of the time he would buy something from me. But he always liked it when I would show up since I would bring lots of fun and happiness.
ZeldaQueen: With rainbows and lollipops and bunnies! This is sounding like Barney!
As I looked at the King I realized I was some what at home.
ZeldaQueen: “Some what at home”? That’s nice, the King is bending backwards to give you preferential treatment and you’re “somewhat” at home. Gack!
As he started to approach me I ran up to the King and gave him a hug. How I missed him. Ever since my parents died when I was very young, I never let anyone get very close to me. But the King was different. He opened up to me, took me into his family and became like a father to me. He gave me a home to come to every year. When I was in Hyrule, I felt at home.
ZeldaQueen: And of course we hear nothing about this! This is all of Jenna’s backstory that we get. We don’t know how her parents die or how the King became so buddy-buddy with her. Nothing! I can’t believe it’s because she sold stuff to him. He’s the King! I can’t believe a middle-class merchant would meet the King directly. Link never met him and he saved the God damned kingdom!!!
"Jenna my sweet daughter, what have ye acquired through thy travels this past year?"
ZeldaQueen: *snarls* You are not his daughter!
I smiled at the King, "You must see some of the new cloth I picked up in the city of Skyile." The great city of light."
ZeldaQueen: Stop making up cities! “Ohhh, it’s Skyile, the great city of Light! You can also find the Triforce in that temple, if you have the Golden Hookshot!” Bite me!
I smiled, as the King's eyes grew big. "Jenna my daughter, you must show me what you've acquired." Then he took my hand and began to lead me out of the garden. With one last look back at Link, I smiled at him. "See you tonight." I said before I left. After spending some time with the King, he brought some of my new cloth then let me settle in for the night.
ZeldaQueen: I am disgusted. I really am. Not one chapter in and we already have the King of Hyrule fawning over this Sue who he shouldn’t even know exists. I find it impossible to believe that a middle-class merchant could provide him with anything that would impress him. He’s the king! He’s probably got a ton of people who import cloth for him! And I’m going to just pass on that disgusting bit about him taking her hand. It makes me want to spit fire
I returned to the inside of my wagon and prepared a hot bath.
ZeldaQueen: Well that was an awkward jump
I went to the mirror and brushed my hair while I waited for the water to heat up. After about five minuets the water was ready. As I slipped down into the warm water, it felt good against my sore muscles.
ZeldaQueen: And why are your muscles sore, might I ask? You didn’t seem to be doing anything too strenuous and you don’t jump Link until later in this chapter
I begun to relax and slowly let my thoughts drift. Link was the only thing on my mind. "He is sooo handsome." I thought to myself. "That is the heroic man who became the "Legendary Hero of Time" and saved Hyrule from a life of darkness."
ZeldaQueen: I give up. Forget Arianna Black, this is the fan fiction Meyer wrote before she picked up on the purple prose
Though something tugged at the back of my mind. I remembered that I had wanted to marry one day. And Link would be a good choice since he was my age, strong, smart, and handsome and would help make strong beautiful children. Yes indeed Link would make a good husband.
ZeldaQueen: YOU JUST MET HIM! YOU JUST MET HIM AND YOU’RE ALREADY DARING TO CONSIDER HIM FOR MARRIAGE??? AND ON WHAT GROUNDS? THAT HE’S ATTRACTIVE, STRONG, AND SMART (HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT, MIGHT I ASK?) AND CAN GIVE YOU “BEAUTIFUL” CHILDREN? WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE SHARING COMMON EXPERIENCES AND GETTING TO KNOW ONE ANOTHER? LINK’S QUEEN, YOU FREAKING LIAR, THIS IS NOT LOVE! THIS IS BASE LUST, PURE AND SIMPLE! PEOPLE IN LOVE DON’T CALCULATE QUALITIES IN A PROSPECTIVE PARTNER LIKE THEY’RE BREEDING HORSES! GOOD DAY AND DIE!
Then I took the soap and washed up. After I washed I got out of the tub and dried off. I went to the wardrobe closet to pick out a dress for this evening's occasion.
ZeldaQueen: Costume Porn Incoming!
After some rummaging, I picked a low v cut white dress with lace that held the v together. Gold embroidered Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress. And the sleeves started from mid arm and ran all the way down my arm to my wrist. Next I picked a gold choker with the Triforce symbol for around my neck. And a gold Triforce ring for my finger. Then I had to do my hair. I braided my hair into a halo braid and ran a beautiful silver lace through it. After that I went to the full-length mirror to look at myself. As I looked myself over, a knock came at the door.
ZeldaQueen: …Well I’m astonished. Seriously, the author can’t give us a backstory to this character but can provide this amount of detail on a dress she’s wearing? Oh, and head’s up dear viewers - Jenna loves using the Triforce on every piece of jewelry and clothing she wears. Apparently she missed the memo that the Triforce is a holy relic which is really only kept known to the Royal Family and a few others, hence why we only really see Zelda as the one with any Triforce images on her clothes.
Also, how the frig does she afford all of this stuff? Like I said, that sort of clothing was really only worn by Zelda in the game. The middle-class merchants dressed in much plainer outfits. And if LQ says that it’s all because the King of Hyrule and Zelda gave the clothes to her, I’ll scream (given what happens at the wedding though, it seems quite likely…)
"Come!" I yelled.
ZeldaQueen: Woah, not on your first date! We’ll be hearing about that later!
Appearing in the doorway was the man I had set my eyes on.
ZeldaQueen: Best go get your eyes back off of him then
His eyes grew big, as he looked me over. "You look beautiful tonight." Link said as he took my hand and kissed it. Then he led me out the door.
ZeldaQueen: Would it be forgivable if I broke down weeping right now? Oh Link, I’m so sorry!
There were two horses in front saddled for riding. One was a rust colored mare with a white main and tail with a black mussel. The other was one of my brown mares with a black main and tail. The one he had gotten was the one with the white star on her forehead. The one whom I named "Star Dancer."
ZeldaQueen: Typical Sue name. I don’t think that horse shows up again though, so I have no idea why she bothered to name it
He led me to my mare and helped me into the saddle.
ZeldaQueen: Yes, because a traveling merchant who lives in a horse-drawn cart would need help getting on a horse! Suethor, you can either make Jenna be a co-dependant damsel or a tough independent chick. You can’t have both!
Then he mounted the other horse. Looking back at me his eyes seemed to glow in the moonlight.’
ZeldaQueen: *beats head on wall*
"Follow me, I will lead the way." Then he booted the horse in the legs and took off at a slow gallop. I then followed.
ZeldaQueen: YOUR SENTENCE STRUCTURES SUCK AND THIS IS INCREDIBLY BORING! DO SOMETHING!
We rode to the south side of Hyrule field and came upon a long dark tunnel. "This way!" Link called. "Through here!" I watched as Link disappeared into the tunnel. Then I followed. At the other end we crossed a bridge and then into what seemed to be a village.
ZeldaQueen: She was then attacked by Those We Do Not Speak Of since she was from wicked places where wicked people live
Little people wearing green clothes that looked like kids started to surround us when we stopped.
ZeldaQueen: Your pseudo-old English is slipping. And the Kokiri are kids. Are you implying that they’re actually midgets?
"This is the Kokiri Village. The place where I was raised."
ZeldaQueen: The fragments. Are sucky
Link said as he dismounted.
ZeldaQueen: AH!
After I dismounted one of the kid like Kokiri
ZeldaQueen: WOAH there!
took our horses to tend to them. As I walked around the village the child like people began watching me.
ZeldaQueen: They are children!
They all seemed very curious to who I was.
ZeldaQueen: Well, can’t exactly blame that on the Sue, since it’s established canon that the Kokiri never see adults too often and thus stare in awe at adult Link when he shows up
As I looked around at them I noticed that they had something floating around them. As I took a closer look I noticed that they looked like fairies from the fairy tales told to us in our village as kids.
ZeldaQueen: Of course! How convenient! Is there nothing that this Sue has not yet been let in on?
"Were these really fairies from the stories I heard as a child?" I thought to myself.
ZeldaQueen: I’m going to say “no” just to spite you
Just then one of the Kokiri, a young girl approached me. "My name is Saria, what's yours?" The young girl asked.
ZeldaQueen: Great, now the Sages are going to start fawning over her
"My name is Jenna, it's a pleasure to meet you." I replied.
ZeldaQueen: (Jenna) “I’m a Sue, I shall now eat your soul!”
"Are you the one that came with my friend Link for our Spring Night Festival?" Saria's eyes seemed to glow at that moment.
ZeldaQueen: And Link’s Queen has just opened cannon fire on one fan ship. Goodbye Saria, you’re Sue Food now. It was nice to know you!
"Yes he invited me." I said as a smile crossed the Kokiri girl's face.
ZeldaQueen: Hopefully it looked both ways for traffic first
I could tell that she knew I had my eyes set on Link, though she remained silent about it.
ZeldaQueen: Of course she remained silent about it! That’s all the potential rivals do in this fic, stay quiet except for when they’re doing something to hook the Sue up with Link!
There were male Kokiri as well.
ZeldaQueen: Well that was a strange subject jump
One in particular was one named Mido. He was the leader of the Kokiri and a dear friend of Saria and Link.
ZeldaQueen: Actually Mido was very jealous of Link and seemed to have a crush on Saria. Never mind those pesky facts though, move along
He had a sense of humor but he yet remained stern and headstrong for he was their leader and was responsible for their lives.
ZeldaQueen: Mido? Have a sense of humor? Oh hahahahhaha, that is priceless! Mido was blustering and perpetually grumpy. There is nothing in the game to suggest that he had a sense of humor
It was time for the feast, Saria gestured for me to join them at the feast table.
ZeldaQueen: If you use the word “feast” one more time…
She led me to the seat next to Link. As I sat down next to him she smiled and winked at me. "Did she plan this?" I asked myself, and then smiled.
ZeldaQueen: How convenient that there was an extra place setting. Saria must have worked fast to switch around everyone’s places to accommodate the Sue
After a moment I looked over all of the food. There was a great abundance of food to eat.
ZeldaQueen: Stop repeating words! There are pronouns and articles, use them!!!
There was cooked pork in a rich chestnut cream sauce, beef stew, cooked turkey, all different kinds of cheeses, bread and butter, cooked vegetables and even many different kinds of fruit.
ZeldaQueen: Fruits and vegetables I can give her since they‘re in a forest, and sort of the butter and cheeses because Link was given that cow for a present from Malon (I guess that could also explain the beef stew…) but cooked pork and turkey? (why specify that it’s cooked? Would they be serving raw meat at meals?) Rich chestnut cream sauce? Bread? Where would they get that?
My mouth began to water as I combed over the food. After I served myself, I began to eat.
ZeldaQueen: You know, I can figure things like that out for myself. Generally people serve themselves with the intention of eating it afterwards. Or did you think we’d assume that you would just stare at the food after serving yourself?
As I was eating I could not help but notice that Link was watching me out of the corner of his eye.
I could feel his stare. Though it was pleasant.
ZeldaQueen: Oh fuck, here we go.
And STOP WITH THE FRAGMENTS! My story “Tamagotchi’s Busy Day” had better sentence structures and I wrote that in the second grade!
Then our eyes met and a smile crossed his face.
ZeldaQueen: But it didn’t have the Walk Signal so it was quickly run over
As I stared into his eyes they seemed to glow under the light of the moon.
ZeldaQueen: If she mentions those glowing eyes one more time…
He even looked more handsome in the moonlight. And I told myself that I would be crazy to pass up a man like this.
ZeldaQueen: What an arrogant person! He has asked her out on one date, ONE FREAKING DATE and she’s already assuming that he’s considering marriage? I HATE HER!
After everyone finished eating, all of the Kokiri got up and started to dance. Some of the Kokiri even played instruments. As the music drifted in the air Link took my hand in his. "Would you care to dance?"
ZeldaQueen: This is contrived and stupid
I looked at him and smiled. "Yes, I'd love to." He led me to where everyone else was and we started to dance.
ZeldaQueen: I hate this Suethor and her inability to use different words
We danced and drank long into the night.
ZeldaQueen: And then died because I slipped poison in the wine *cackles* (Wait, the Kokiri are children - what are they drinking?)
And to show my appreciation I even did a solo dance.
ZeldaQueen: Oh yes Jenna, you are so wonderful to grace them with a dance! Given what’s going to be coming up, I wouldn’t be surprised if that “solo dance” involved a garter belt and a pole
Then after I did my dance I went to sit down and rest. I was tired. Link came and sat down beside me. "You look real tired.
ZeldaQueen: REALLY, I COULDN’T TELL!
Are you ready to retire." Link said as he put his hand on my shoulder.
ZeldaQueen: *face palm* Question marks motherfucker! Do you know them?
I nodded yes and tried to get up and walk. But I was so tired and had too much to drink that I stumbled.
ZeldaQueen: Jesus, they really were serving wine! Someone should call the cops on them, I’m pretty sure they’re all underage
Catching me in his arms, Link led me back to where I was sitting.
ZeldaQueen: How far did she get?
"I think it would be wise if you stay here tonight. I have plenty of room and I can escort you back to the castle in the morning."
ZeldaQueen: Yes, because the Kokiri, innocent child-like beings, will be perfectly fine with a slutty lady and the Hero of Time boinking in said hero’s tree house.
And “plenty of room” my foot! It’s a one-roomed place, with one bed I might add! Link lived in there as a child!
Link looked at me with a worried look and I decided to stay.
ZeldaQueen: And now I’m getting My Immortal flashbacks, especially with that costume porn. Hmm, my new fan theory - Tara Gillespie used to be a Legend of Zelda fan girl and wrote this before moving on to Harry Potter. She also sustained a head injury sometime in the transition, hence why her later work was one huge Big Lipped Alligator of a fanfic
And that is how we spent every night together, even up to the night when I finally shared his bed.
ZeldaQueen: *whimpers* And the Great Deku Tree is alright with this?
And again, it was a child-sized bed. How the flying frig did they both fit in there?
I started to know within side myself that Link was the one I wanted to be with. Even more so on the night when I shared myself with him......
ZeldaQueen: “Started to know”? Lady, you’ve said you want to marry him twice before now!
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ZeldaQueen: And I've had enough for one session. After a break, we'll get the rest of chapter one. Ohhh man will we ever...
Onward to: Chapter 1: The Beginning (Part 2)
Back to: Prologue
Return to: Table of Contents