Unwritten--unedited excerpt 1--AtoTez

[iverin]

Title: Unwritten
Series: Prince of Tennis
Characters/Pairing: Atobe Keigo/Tezuka Kunimitsu (unrequited), strongly implied Tezuka Kunimitsu/Echizen Ryoma
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A love-hate story.
Notes: Excerpt from chapter ~7, just after Atobe visits Seigaku. Please pardon the grammatical errors. They'll be fixed in editing later on.

Comments

[british_sas]

I think that you did a very good job with Atobe. He is very much a lone wolf, and I think that you did well with that... the ending is a little unclear, but I think that that's just a wording thing. I don't think that the ending is too brutal at all, it captures, for me, just what you told me you were trying for.

I really enjoyed the excerpt, and look forward to seeing the whole thing.

[trowicia]

OOOH. ♥

To answer the things you'd like feedback on...
-Did I accurately portray Atobe?
Yes, good job with characterization.

-Did I make any sort of a clear statement about him with this?
I think so. You're one of the few Atobe/Tezuka authors I've read who make Atobe more human than we're used to, and I like that.

-Is it vivid enough, or could it be edited to be vivid?
Yeah, the imagery's fine. If you wanted to make it more vivid, you can, but it doesn't really need it.

-Is the ending of the excerpt too brutal?
Nah, not at all -- bring on the pain! ;P

I can't wait to read all of this! I've also developed a weird side thing for Tezuka/Ryoma, too, and I love a jealous Atobe, so yay!

[iverin]

Thank you!!! You know how much your opinion means to me on these, too! ♥

[noxxycat]

Oooh i like it, i'm not really a huge fan of Tezuka/Atobe...but i'd love to read more of this. I'm no good at writing so it'd be somewhat wrong of me to go into an indepth opinion. XD But i think you portrayed Atobe really well, much better than most fanfiction writers.