Y is for Yearning
Y is for Yearning
by zeilfanaat
Category: Drama
Rating: K+/PG
Warnings: Time travel, known character death(s)
Disclaimer: Stargate: SG-1 does not belong to me. No infringement intended.
Spoilers: “Stargate: The Movie”, “Cold Lazarus”, “The Gamekeeper”, “1969”, “The Devil You Know”.
Summary: They couldn’t change things. He knew that. But oh, how he yearned to know otherwise. Missing Scene for the episode “1969”.
A/N: Written for the Time Travel Alphabet Soup March 2015, run by sg_fignewton on LiveJournal. I don’t know if this idea has been written into a story before, but it wouldn’t let me go.
Finished: February 28, 2015.
They couldn’t change things. It could cause a butterfly effect. Probably would. It was dangerous enough just being back in time. As Carter had said, they had to focus on damage control.
And yet…
He’d listened as his team had discussed the possible opportunities of going back in time. Wryly amused at Daniel’s enthusiasm at the thought of going back in time to see with his own eyes what he could only read or theorize about now. Heard Teal’c’s comment on being able to change or influence important historical events.
And all he heard was that one gunshot. He flinched, as if hearing it for real again, the sound echoing through his mind.
As often as he’d revisited those moments, and had punished himself for it, he’d never allowed his mind to wonder ‘what if?’. Whenever his thoughts would turn in that direction, he would push them away, lock them up in a mental vault, and focus on something else.
He had played that game early on his career, and he knew it was both futile and damaging. That blown up mission in East Germany in 1982 had shown him that. How often he had not gone over that mission again in his head, to try and figure out what they could have done differently… He’d driven himself nuts. And in the end, it was useless.
In the aftermath of the mission with the Keeper, Jack knew his team had wondered why it was that particular mission that he and Teal’c had been set to relive. Why not the one thing that jumped into everyone’s mind as ‘number one occurrence to change’? He had considered it himself.
The Keeper had definitely been going for the big impact memories. And while there was no question that that mission in East Germany was right up there, if there was one occurrence in his life that had a huge impact, losing his son… well, that was just in its own private category. So why had he not let Jack try and save his son? Jack could venture a guess as to why.
The Keeper had zoomed in on those memories that the person had repeatedly revisited in their minds to try and figure out a way they could have changed the outcome. Jack - however much he longed for Charlie to be alive - had pretty quickly stopped allowing himself to really think of how his actions might have caused a different outcome. Yes, he had been suicidal right after Charlie had died. But that was because he had focused on the reality. Not because he’d imagined how it could have been.
He knew if he allowed his mind to go in that direction, he’d lose it. His heart would break anew. Just as he could never bring back John, he would never be able to bring back Charlie. It would never be real. If he had to guess, that was why the Keeper had not put him in that spot. It had simply not been a possibility in Jack’s mind. So it took the Keeper a while to latch on to the fact that there was in fact a higher emotional impact experience.
Jack figured that there were probably a couple of shrinks out there who would frown on his coping methods. But if that was what had kept him from having to relive that life-changing day, Jack could only be grateful. The one and only time when he’d come close to playing the ‘what if’ game again with respect to Charlie had been when the blue crystal had taken on his form, and later that of his son.
Interestingly enough, that had shown Jack just how capable he actually was of imaging an unbroken world. And it had made him all the more determined not to allow it.
And yet, here he was. Back in time. This time the ‘what if’s could become reality…for real.
Possibilities to prevent that - to make sure the gun was not in the house, to make sure there was no ammunition, to let his son play with the water gun so maybe, maybe he wouldn’t go looking for his Dad’s real one - these possibilities could now actually come true.
Here was his chance. The one he had longed for with his entire, yet broken, being, no matter how often and how far he’d pushed those thoughts and feelings away.
A simple letter would do. A note. Didn’t have to contain much information. Drop it off at a law firm or something, make sure the note would be delivered to himself, two weeks, maybe just a day, before three lives would be shattered. That shouldn’t affect the time line too much, right?
Who was he kidding. It would affect their timeline in an enormous way. That was the point.
Just for once, he allowed himself to think of just how their lives could have been. A family of three… whole. There would have been fights, there would have been laughter, there would have been tears, but most importantly, they would have been alive. All of them. How he yearned for that to be reality. To be able to play catch with his son, and watch him grow up.
And then reality slammed him back to the here and now. Or rather, to the here and then.
He shouldn’t have let his mind conjure up what might have been. He was right. It hurt…so…much.
Because he couldn’t change it. Not a thing. It would cause too many changes. For all they knew, even a note to himself not to leave his gun home that day, might destroy the world, the universe as they knew it. Facing that possibility, he knew he’d have to choose to let only his personal world be destroyed. And it hurt.
Over these few days, he distracted himself reliving a slice of 1969. They taught Teal’c to drive. He fixed the truck. Ok, that was only partially a good distraction, as it reminded him of Sara. But at least he was able to fix something.
At some point Carter was staring off into the distance, but just as he was considering having a chat with the Captain, she seemed to reach a decision. Whatever it was that had her in a reflective mood, it was now firmly behind a wall.
He actually saw the moment Daniel realised just what he could stop from happening in just a few years from now. Recognized the gutted feeling that flitted across the face of the archaeologist when he too concluded that he couldn’t do anything to stop his parents from being killed. Their eyes met from across the hippie van.
Daniel flinched as the realization hit him just what Jack would like to change. And couldn’t. So much power and yet they were powerless. Daniel worked his jaw a couple of times, trying, for both of them, to find loopholes that weren’t there. “This…sucks,” Daniel concluded eventually. Jack nodded. “Yeah.”
He was so happy to see Hammond waiting for them, when they stepped back into their own time. Relieved. Not just for having made it. Relieved for no longer being in that extremely tempting position to change what his heart longed to change.
He could only hope he wouldn’t regret it. A part of him always would. Because just for once, he had allowed himself to imagine a different world. And now he’d have to carry those images with him as well, knowing they could actually have been reality. Sometimes he hated being one of the good guys.
The End
by zeilfanaat
Category: Drama
Rating: K+/PG
Warnings: Time travel, known character death(s)
Disclaimer: Stargate: SG-1 does not belong to me. No infringement intended.
Spoilers: “Stargate: The Movie”, “Cold Lazarus”, “The Gamekeeper”, “1969”, “The Devil You Know”.
Summary: They couldn’t change things. He knew that. But oh, how he yearned to know otherwise. Missing Scene for the episode “1969”.
A/N: Written for the Time Travel Alphabet Soup March 2015, run by sg_fignewton on LiveJournal. I don’t know if this idea has been written into a story before, but it wouldn’t let me go.
Finished: February 28, 2015.
They couldn’t change things. It could cause a butterfly effect. Probably would. It was dangerous enough just being back in time. As Carter had said, they had to focus on damage control.
And yet…
He’d listened as his team had discussed the possible opportunities of going back in time. Wryly amused at Daniel’s enthusiasm at the thought of going back in time to see with his own eyes what he could only read or theorize about now. Heard Teal’c’s comment on being able to change or influence important historical events.
And all he heard was that one gunshot. He flinched, as if hearing it for real again, the sound echoing through his mind.
As often as he’d revisited those moments, and had punished himself for it, he’d never allowed his mind to wonder ‘what if?’. Whenever his thoughts would turn in that direction, he would push them away, lock them up in a mental vault, and focus on something else.
He had played that game early on his career, and he knew it was both futile and damaging. That blown up mission in East Germany in 1982 had shown him that. How often he had not gone over that mission again in his head, to try and figure out what they could have done differently… He’d driven himself nuts. And in the end, it was useless.
In the aftermath of the mission with the Keeper, Jack knew his team had wondered why it was that particular mission that he and Teal’c had been set to relive. Why not the one thing that jumped into everyone’s mind as ‘number one occurrence to change’? He had considered it himself.
The Keeper had definitely been going for the big impact memories. And while there was no question that that mission in East Germany was right up there, if there was one occurrence in his life that had a huge impact, losing his son… well, that was just in its own private category. So why had he not let Jack try and save his son? Jack could venture a guess as to why.
The Keeper had zoomed in on those memories that the person had repeatedly revisited in their minds to try and figure out a way they could have changed the outcome. Jack - however much he longed for Charlie to be alive - had pretty quickly stopped allowing himself to really think of how his actions might have caused a different outcome. Yes, he had been suicidal right after Charlie had died. But that was because he had focused on the reality. Not because he’d imagined how it could have been.
He knew if he allowed his mind to go in that direction, he’d lose it. His heart would break anew. Just as he could never bring back John, he would never be able to bring back Charlie. It would never be real. If he had to guess, that was why the Keeper had not put him in that spot. It had simply not been a possibility in Jack’s mind. So it took the Keeper a while to latch on to the fact that there was in fact a higher emotional impact experience.
Jack figured that there were probably a couple of shrinks out there who would frown on his coping methods. But if that was what had kept him from having to relive that life-changing day, Jack could only be grateful. The one and only time when he’d come close to playing the ‘what if’ game again with respect to Charlie had been when the blue crystal had taken on his form, and later that of his son.
Interestingly enough, that had shown Jack just how capable he actually was of imaging an unbroken world. And it had made him all the more determined not to allow it.
And yet, here he was. Back in time. This time the ‘what if’s could become reality…for real.
Possibilities to prevent that - to make sure the gun was not in the house, to make sure there was no ammunition, to let his son play with the water gun so maybe, maybe he wouldn’t go looking for his Dad’s real one - these possibilities could now actually come true.
Here was his chance. The one he had longed for with his entire, yet broken, being, no matter how often and how far he’d pushed those thoughts and feelings away.
A simple letter would do. A note. Didn’t have to contain much information. Drop it off at a law firm or something, make sure the note would be delivered to himself, two weeks, maybe just a day, before three lives would be shattered. That shouldn’t affect the time line too much, right?
Who was he kidding. It would affect their timeline in an enormous way. That was the point.
Just for once, he allowed himself to think of just how their lives could have been. A family of three… whole. There would have been fights, there would have been laughter, there would have been tears, but most importantly, they would have been alive. All of them. How he yearned for that to be reality. To be able to play catch with his son, and watch him grow up.
And then reality slammed him back to the here and now. Or rather, to the here and then.
He shouldn’t have let his mind conjure up what might have been. He was right. It hurt…so…much.
Because he couldn’t change it. Not a thing. It would cause too many changes. For all they knew, even a note to himself not to leave his gun home that day, might destroy the world, the universe as they knew it. Facing that possibility, he knew he’d have to choose to let only his personal world be destroyed. And it hurt.
Over these few days, he distracted himself reliving a slice of 1969. They taught Teal’c to drive. He fixed the truck. Ok, that was only partially a good distraction, as it reminded him of Sara. But at least he was able to fix something.
At some point Carter was staring off into the distance, but just as he was considering having a chat with the Captain, she seemed to reach a decision. Whatever it was that had her in a reflective mood, it was now firmly behind a wall.
He actually saw the moment Daniel realised just what he could stop from happening in just a few years from now. Recognized the gutted feeling that flitted across the face of the archaeologist when he too concluded that he couldn’t do anything to stop his parents from being killed. Their eyes met from across the hippie van.
Daniel flinched as the realization hit him just what Jack would like to change. And couldn’t. So much power and yet they were powerless. Daniel worked his jaw a couple of times, trying, for both of them, to find loopholes that weren’t there. “This…sucks,” Daniel concluded eventually. Jack nodded. “Yeah.”
He was so happy to see Hammond waiting for them, when they stepped back into their own time. Relieved. Not just for having made it. Relieved for no longer being in that extremely tempting position to change what his heart longed to change.
He could only hope he wouldn’t regret it. A part of him always would. Because just for once, he had allowed himself to imagine a different world. And now he’d have to carry those images with him as well, knowing they could actually have been reality. Sometimes he hated being one of the good guys.
The End