Fic: Crossing Borders (10/?)
Title: Crossing Borders (10/?)
Author:
zarrati
Word Count: 6,800
Genre: AU
Pairing: Leslie/Ben
Rating: R for Language, violent/traumatic themes, and sexual content
Author's Note: This chapter takes a break from the main, case plot, and focuses on a resolution between Leslie and Ben. There is a sexual content warning for this chapter.
She needed Ann.
She also needed water, some aspirin, and a good teeth brushing, but she needed Ann most of all. Ann would pull Leslie into one of those amazing hugs, rub her back as she puked her guts out, and tell her that Ben was a big, stupid idiot that didn’t deserve her anyway. Yes, Ann would know exactly what to do and say to make her feel better. Unfortunately, Ann wasn't a viable option.
So instead, Leslie sat alone on the floor of the bathroom, her stomach queasy, her head pounding, and her eyes red and swollen. She hated this, hated being stuck in the middle of nowhere because people were trying to kill her, hated that she couldn’t call her best friend on the phone when she needed her, hated that she would have to continue sharing a house with the man who just broke her heart.
Leslie groaned and rested her head against the edge of the bathtub. She was too drunk to deal with this right now. Maybe this was all a figment of her alcohol infused imagination, a terrible, terrible dream, and everything will be right in the world when she wakes up tomorrow morning.
But the emptiness that she felt, the dull ache in her chest, was too strong for it to not be real.
She didn’t remember it hurting this bad, not even when she had broken up with actual boyfriends. She and Ben weren’t dating, if anything they were colleagues with the benefit of being friends. At least, she thought they were friends. Had she deluded herself into thinking they were more than they were?
No, he told her he cared about her, that he had feelings for her, but he was afraid to act on them. He wasn’t lying to her, was he? But what friend would string her along like this, make her believe that she actually had a chance only to tell her it could never be? She really thought out here, secluded and alone, that something could happen. They could just be Leslie and Ben without the added pressure of their jobs and their pasts.
She was wrong.
Why was she such a mess? She was the damn president of Pawnee. She should be back at home running her country, not throwing up in an old cabin toilet and sobbing over a boy.
Nothing sounded as tempting as crawling into bed and sleeping for the foreseeable future, but that would mean getting up from floor and possibly facing Ben. She wasn’t ready for that, she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be ready after what happened tonight.
They both said things they couldn’t take back, truthful and painful things. He wasn't ready to let go of his guilt and shame, and as long as he believed that he was a hindrance to her life and career, he wasn’t going to allow himself to act on whatever it was that he felt.
Rationally she knew all of this, but a part of her, the sad, angry, and drunk part, didn’t want to be so understanding.
She could still feel the ghost of his lips on hers, remember how he tasted, and it sent another wave of emotion through her. For those few glorious seconds, she felt what it could be like between the two of them, and it was powerful. Maybe that’s why this was hurting so much. Because she knew, she just knew they had something special. No one had impacted her life the way Ben had, no one had sacrificed themselves so selflessly as he had for her. Even now, his refusal was out of some backwards desire to protect her. He was willing to sacrifice his happiness for her sake.
If only he knew he was only hurting them both.
Leslie didn’t need him to protect her honor or her reputation. Her parents had taught her independence, first and foremost. Her life brought with it a lot of opportunity and privilege, but they still emphasized the importance of self-sufficiency. She didn’t need people bending over backwards to do every little thing for her. She liked getting her hands dirty, standing up for herself. That’s why she was so opposed to the idea of having a personal bodyguard in the first place.
But they forced her into it and Ben was the only one that she trusted enough to do it. That should have been another red flag to her that she was going down a potentially dangerous road with him. She so willingly put her life into his hands, a man she had met only a few weeks prior and instantly disliked. But also a man whose very presence made her heart beat faster, whose smile in her direction unleashed a thousand butterflies in her stomach.
As Leslie curled into a ball on the cold, bathroom tile, it hit her--somewhere along the way she had fallen in love with him. Between spending their days together in her office, sharing meals and comfortable silences, to baking sprees and movie nights where she fell asleep on his shoulder and he carried her off to bed, he made her love him. This beautiful, nerdy, tortured, brave man had ingrained himself in her life.
She had wanted tonight to be special, a celebration of his health and their potential future together, but it had gone so horribly wrong. Instead of being wrapped in Ben’s arms, she cried herself to sleep.
~~~~~
The silence was too loud and the darkness too bright. Her head was about to explode, and her mouth felt like she had just swallowed sand. Leslie groaned and rolled over into her pillow when she realized that she wasn’t on the bathroom floor, but her bed. She forgot how she got there, but unfortunately, hadn’t forgotten about her fight with Ben.
The thought that Ben was the one that carried her to bed made her cringe, him finding her passed out drunk, her eyes swollen from crying over him. Her fear was confirmed when she saw a tall glass of water and a bottle of aspirin sitting on the nightstand. But no, that wasn’t enough. As if him carrying her to bed and helping her battle the oncoming hangover and making her feel whole lot of feelings she wasn’t ready to deal with wasn’t enough, he had to strike her where it would hurt.
Next to the bottle and glass was her father’s white knight.
She remembered how she felt when she found it in his pocket after Ben was shot, clutching onto it the hours he was in surgery like it was a connection to him. The day after he had woken up, she returned it. She said he deserved it now more than ever, and as pale as he was, a redness flushed his face as he accepted the token with a shy smile.
And now it mocked her from its place on the table. She reached over to take some of the aspirin when she noticed a note in Ben’s familiar scrawl.
I know you’re angry and have every right to be, and I’ll respect your need for space for as long as you need it. After what happened last night, I wouldn’t be surprised if you never wanted to see me again, but when you’re up for it, we need to talk. Please, just know how sorry I am, and how much I care about you.
I’m returning the knight because I am no longer fit to carry it. It’s a symbol of everything that I’m not. Your father was a great man, and I’m not worthy enough to have one of his most prized possessions, let alone be with his daughter.
Leslie stared at the note slackjawed and unable to fully process Ben’s words. She wanted to feel something. Anger, sadness, love, despair, hope--anything, but she was just numb. Maybe this was just as good. It hurt too much to feel things anyway.
She drank her pills, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
~~~~~
Ben wasn’t lying when he said he’d give her space. It had been four days since their fight, and Leslie hadn’t gotten more than a glimpse of him. They managed to unconsciously fall into their own routine. Leslie would wake up at her usual ungodly hour, get ready, and be back in her room by the time Ben’s alarm went off. Now that he was back on active duty, he spent a majority of his time with the other agents patrolling the grounds, and every morning he leaves a note on her door with his itinerary. She assumed he did this in the hopes that she’d try to find him, but she hasn’t. She wasn’t ready to have that talk.
Having that talk would be the final nail in the coffin, the final, sober discussion about them and whatever their relationship was. She couldn’t bear to hear Ben tell her again that he couldn’t be with her, and that as soon as this whole thing was done, he was going to leave her forever.
If he told her one more time that he wasn’t good enough for her, she was going to rip his throat out.
So the more she ignored him, the longer she could postpone the inevitable.
But to be honest, she hated how things were. She missed eating breakfast with him, playing board games, and watching movies with him. She missed their talks, even the ones that weren’t about anything important.
She missed him.
Some nights when she couldn’t sleep, she’d open up one of her scrapbooks of the two of them. It was stupid to torture herself that way, but she couldn’t help it. Ben covered in flour after his first time baking with her, the two of them sharing lunch in her office, Leslie beating him at chess for the first and only time. So many memories over such a short amount of time.
She’d trace her fingers over his face, sometimes bright and smiling, other times confused and bewildered when he couldn’t quite understand why she would take pictures at the most random moments. Those photos were for times like these, when despite everything, she wanted nothing more than to see his face. He was unguarded and happy in these pictures, the constant dark cloud that hung over him missing if only for a few, brief seconds.
But there was one picture, her favorite picture, that she kept hidden in the drawer of her nightstand, one that she had looked at almost every night since it was taken over two weeks ago. It had been one of the agent’s birthdays, and the group decided to have a barbeque lunch in celebration. It had been such an amazing time. Planning the party had given Leslie something to do for a few days, and she went above and beyond, as was usual.
All of the agents ended up bringing a side dish, and Ron’s grill was fired up and filled with burgers and hot dogs. There had been a shortage of chairs outside, so Leslie took it upon herself to claim a seat right on Ben’s lap. She wasn’t sure if it was the caffeine and sugar rush from the seven sodas and five cupcakes she had eaten, but she was so happy and giddy that she planted herself there without warning.
He had tensed at first, but soon relaxed and continued to chat with the other agents while Andy pulled out his phone to take a picture. They both looked so relaxed and happy, like a real couple. Her on his lap and smiling, him so at ease with his good arm wrapped around her waist as though it belonged there.
Everytime she looked at it now there was nothing but a painful emptiness, but she couldn’t stop.
~~~~~~
It was day five of her self-imposed Ben avoidance, and she had spent the majority of it in her room crocheting some Christmas gifts when she heard a knock on her door. There was a brief moment of panic until Andy’s voice wafted through.
“Leslie? Hey, Leslie, are you in there?”
“Andy? Yeah, come on in.”
He opened the door with his trademark happy face and plopped himself next to Leslie on her bed.
“I didn’t know you were coming here today,” she said.
“Well, I wasn’t supposed to, but Ben called me to get in touch with Ann, who then called me back and then I had to call Ben again, and he asked me to come here and talk to you about what he told me to tell Ann and what she said to me to tell you.”
“Wait, Ben talked to you and Ann?” She was going to die of embarrassment if she didn’t kill Ben first.
“Yeah, but don’t be mad at him. He really wanted to get in touch with Ann, but since he’s not allowed to call anyone besides me or Chris, he figured this was the best way. He said he knew that you probably really wanted to talk to Ann, so this was our only option. But don’t worry, they really didn’t tell me much, and Ann told me everything that she wanted me to tell you.”
“You didn’t write it down?”
“Ugh, that would have been a great idea. But it’s okay, I have a great memory.”
Leslie placed her hands on Andy’s shoulders with reverence. “Oh, Ann, please speak your words of wisdom to me through your humble vessel.”
Andy took a deep breath. “Okay, so she said ‘First tell Leslie I love her and miss her more than anything-’ “
“I love you too, Ann.”
“Awww. Uhm, anyway, yeah she said that she loves you and, uhm, oh shoot.”
“What, Andy? What did she say next? I need to know!”
“No, okay I got it. Something about wishing she could be here for you, and that she knows you’re probably hurting right now, but it’s all going to be okay. Also, you’re probably angry at Ben and refuse to talk to him, but that you really should.”
Leslie threw herself face first onto the mattress and groaned. “But I don’t want to. You hear that, Ann? I don’t want to.”
“Uhm, Leslie, I don’t think she can hear you.”
She stared blankly at him. “Is that all she said?”
“Yes?” He apologized at her groan of frustration. “I’m sorry, I forgot if she said anything else, but I’m almost positive that was what basically everything she said.”
Another groan. “That was pointless. You give the worst advice ever, Ann.” Leslie quickly sat up and engulfed Andy in a hug. “No, it’s not, I’m sorry. That’s a lie. You’re the greatest, most beautiful, amazing friend ever, Ann.”
Andy pats her back awkwardly. “You do know this is Andy, right? And I’m just pretending to be Ann?”
She pulls away and laughs. “Yeah, Andy, sorry about that. I just miss her so much, so I’m taking out all of my pent up Ann love on you.”
“That makes a lot more sense. I was getting worried for a second.” He crosses his arms. “So, what’s up with you and Ben? Do I need to beat him up for you?”
“What? No, don’t do that.”
He sighs in relief. “Okay, good, because I really like him. He’s super awesome.”
Leslie remained silent.
“Oh, I think I know what happened,” Andy stroked his chin.
She grimaced. “You do?”
“Yeah, it’s about money, right? He stole the presidential diamonds from the super secret vault and hid them somewhere.”
“Andy, none of what you just said exists.”
“Right, sure it doesn’t. There are no presidential diamonds or secret vault. Got ya,” he winked.
“No, seriously, it’s not about any of that.”
He deflated. “Aw, man. Then what is it?”
“It’s complicated-”
“Oh! Did he finally tell you he liked you?”
She gaped at him. “You knew?”
“Sure. I mean I noticed something was weird between you two a while back and said something. Ha, actually I thought it was about money then, too. Are you sure neither of you stole anything from the other?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Now focus back here. What did he say?”
Andy shrugged his shoulders. “Uhm, not much. It was the day that you got really angry at him and he seemed really upset. He said that he screwed up because he starting liking you and he was afraid he’d ruin everything. He didn’t think someone like you could ever want to be with him, you know, with his past and job and everything.”
“Oh Andy, it’s all so messed up,” Leslie sighed. “He told me how he felt, and I felt the same way too, but we agreed to wait it out. Well, he wanted to wait it out. He was just so scared of ruining things that I let it go. I just figured I could make him see he was being stupid and we’d get together, but it went so wrong. I thought out here it would be different, you know? No press, no pressure, just us. But it didn’t work and I said some pretty terrible things and now I don’t know what to do.”
She picked at the comforter until Andy broke the silence. “You know, at first, I was kinda terrified to go out with April. She’s amazing and wonderful and perfect, and I was afraid. I mean, my job is super dangerous and she’s so much younger than me and I knew she could do way better, so I got cold feet a few times. But then I saw how much she liked me despite all of that. She didn’t care, and we dated and fell in love and now we’re married and super happy.”
“That’s really sweet, but I don’t know how that helps.”
“I’m saying that I can kind of understand where Ben’s coming from. Some of the stuff we’ve seen, it’s messed up, Leslie. Watching people die, killing people, all that stuff stays in your mind and it scares you. What Ben dealt with, man, I can’t even imagine. I guess when you see all the ugly in the world, it’s hard to accept something good when it comes your way. I’m not gonna tell you to wait forever, because that’s not fair to either of you, but give him some time. Talk to him. If how he looks now is any indication, he’s not taking this any better than you are.”
“You saw him? How is he?” she asked quickly.
“You mean you haven’t seen him or talked to him in almost a week? You live in the same house.”
Leslie looked away, embarrassed. “We’ve been giving each other space.”
“Well, he looks like he hasn’t slept or eaten a good meal in days. I think he realizes that he screwed up, but isn't sure what to do. He cares about you, that much is obvious, but he’s afraid of hurting you.”
“He’s hurting me now by pushing me away!”
“I know that,” Andy placated, “but I think he thinks he’s doing the right thing. I’ve seen this before with some of my agents after a traumatic experience. They become super afraid of hurting their loved ones. Like all of a sudden they’re poison or something. They figure it would just be better if they stayed away, so they try. And he’s been living with that guilt almost forever. Imagine how he probably thinks.
“You’re the super, awesome, kick-ass president, Leslie. You’re important. Our jobs are to protect you so you can do your job. Nothing matters to us more than that. For him, it’s probably even worse because he cares about you, like really cares. He was a wreck after his story was printed in the tabloids, not because of him, but because he was afraid of what you’d think of him.”
“I know all of this. I do, I really do. I just don’t know what I can do to convince him that I don’t care. When I’m with him, I don’t want to just be his boss that he feels obligated to protect. I don’t want to be President Leslie Knope and Major Benjamin Wyatt. God, I just--I just want to be Leslie and Ben, two people who care about each other and occasionally, okay more than occasionally, make out. Is that too much to ask?”
Andy wrapped his arm around Leslie’s shoulder and pulled her to his side. “It’s not, boss. That’s why you need to talk to him, really talk. Tell him exactly how you feel. He won’t change overnight, but maybe if you tell him enough, he’ll start to believe it.”
She pulled him into a tight hug. “Thank you, Andy. I really needed this.”
“No problem,” he replied as he squeezed her. “I really think this will work, and you and Ben will get together, and he’ll finally return those diamonds.”
Leslie just sighed and shook her head. “Andy, I told you--”
“Oh, right. That part isn’t real. Dang, it really should be, though.” He glanced down at his watch. “Well, I need to head back, but if you need me, you know where to reach me. Also, if he hurts you, I will beat him up.”
Leslie laughed for the first time in five days. A real, honest to goodness belly laugh that left her in tears. “Thank you, Andy, but I don’t think that will be necessary. Please tell Ann that she’s perfect and I love her and thank her for me? And give my love to everyone back at the office, okay.”
“Will do, boss. See ya.”
He got up from the bed and closed the door behind him. Leslie could hear muffled voices coming from the living room that she could only assume belonged to Ben and Andy.
Ben. They’d really screwed things up, hadn’t they.
Leslie steeled herself for a conversation that was long overdue.
~~~~~
It took almost an hour before Leslie was able to prepare herself for what might either be the best or worst confrontation of her life. It didn’t matter that she’s taken down foreign leaders or given speeches to hundreds of diplomats. This was different, it was personal, and right now, personal was all she had--Ben was all she had, and she wasn’t going to lose him.
She quietly walked out of her bedroom towards the dining room. It was his usual eating time, and she figured this would be the best chance to talk. True to his schedule, Ben was sitting at the table, his head in his hands next to a plate of untouched food.
He must really be out of it, Leslie thought to herself. Under any normal circumstance, Ben would have heard her coming a mile away. Instead, he just sat there, oblivious.
“Hey,” she whispered softly.
His head jerked from his hands and turned towards her. Andy wasn’t lying when he said that Ben wasn’t holding up well. His eyes were red with purple bags beneath them, his hair standing up at all angles from running his hands through it, and he hadn’t bothered to even shave. He looked about as miserable as she felt.
“Hey,” he croaked back, “I’m sorry I was just about to leave. I’ll be out of your hair in a minute.”
Leslie stilled him with a hand on his shoulder. “No, stay. I think it’s time we had our talk. Way past time, actually. Is that okay?”
He shook his head quickly. “Uh, yeah, that’s good.”
She took the seat next to him, folding and refolding her hands on the tabletop. She could feel his gaze burning a hole in the side of her head as he waited for her to speak.
“Uhm, first of all, Ben, I wanted to apologize.”
“Leslie, you don’t owe me--”
“Yes, I do,” she cut him off. “I was drunk and I came on way too strong and got upset when you didn’t want what I wanted. I said some pretty harsh things. I’m gonna be honest, I meant most of what I said, but I do regret how I said it. It wasn’t fair to you at all.”
“Les-”
“No, please, I just want to get this all out first, okay? Please?”
He nodded mutely.
She took a deep breath. “I messed up. I admit that. I was selfish and only focused on getting my way instead of listening to you. I think we both know that I’m not the most patient person in the world.”
He chuckled at that. “No, you’re definitely not.”
“Well, anyway,” she smirked, “I’m not the most patient person, and I didn’t give you what you needed, which was time. But I also want to better explain my side. You just frustrate me sometimes. I felt like I was getting all of these mixed signals from you for weeks. Anytime I felt like we were getting closer, you’d push me away, only for the cycle to repeat itself. And it hurt, Ben. It still hurts.”
“I don’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know you don’t, but that’s what I’m talking about. You have this idea that I’m this perfect person that needs to be put up on a pedestal just out of reach from you, but I’m not. I’m not too good for you, my life and career aren’t gonna come tumbling to the ground if we get involved. Will the press talk? Probably. I mean it’s their job, but I don’t care. I don’t know how many times I have to say it until you believe me, but I’ll keep saying it because it’s true. You’re not unworthy of me or whatever else is going through your head.”
Ben sighed and wiped his face. “I want to believe you, I really do. It’s just so hard to let all of this go.”
“I know it is.” Leslie reached forward and held one of his hands. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve gone through and how it affects you, but I want to understand. I want you to be able to come to me and tell me these things so I can help you. I’ve seen you at some of your worst moments. I know your story, I’ve seen your wrists, I’ve woken you from nightmares and held you, and all it does is make me care about you more.
“I want to be there for you through everything, just like you’ve been there for me. If you don’t feel that way for me, I can accept that. It’ll hurt, but I can get over it. But please, please don’t deny us the chance to try because you’re afraid of hurting me, because I don’t think anything will hurt worse than looking back and regretting that we never even gave it a chance.”
She pulled the chess piece from her pocket and slid it across the table. “You are truly an amazing and wonderful man, and honestly the only person other than my father who deserves this. It symbolizes everything that you are but refuse to see in yourself. Anytime you start to doubt yourself--or us, look at this and know that you have two Pawnee presidents on your side. My dad would have been proud to call you one of his soldiers.”
Ben reached out and ran his finger over the grooves of the wooden horse head. “I want all of that. I want that so badly it hurts sometimes. I want to believe that I am a good enough soldier, a good enough man. I’m just so scared of messing up, but I ended up doing that anyway.”
“I know you’re scared. I am, too. It scares me how much I’ve come to depend on you, how much I need you. I’ve never needed anyone the way that I feel I need you, but it also excites me. No matter what you might think about yourself, I have so much faith in you it makes this fear go away a little.
“I’m not naive. I know that this won’t be easy. There are gonna be times when I push too hard, and days when your insecurities might get the best of you and you try to hide from me, but I know we can do this. We can go as slow as you want. We don’t have to rush into anything. I just--I want to be with you in any way that I can.”
She looked at him, her eyes pleading and her lip trembling. She wanted him to say yes--needed him to. She couldn’t lose him, not after everything they had been through together. He just kept searching her eyes, and it worried her that he hadn’t said anything.
But he didn’t have to. He answered her with a kiss.
~~~~~
It was amazing how quickly that one little shift changed everything. They had both agreed to take things slow, but it was so worth it. It had only been a week since their talk, but she didn’t remember feeling more content. They were back to their “pre-fight” closeness, with a bit more makeouts and cuddling thrown in here and there.
The biggest change was that they were talking now. Not just about the case or little stupid things here and there. They were actually opening up, telling each other everything they had been too scared to share.
Leslie opened up more about her past, how her childhood shaped her, made her the woman she was today. Ben talked about what happened after ICE Town, about his recovery, his therapy, the nightmares. He was still holding things back, Leslie knew that, but it didn’t make her any less proud of him. He wasn’t going to change just because they admitted their feelings, but the fact that he was trying was all she needed.
Perhaps the most significant thing was that Ben was starting to be more comfortable with his body around her. He wasn’t walking around shirtless, unfortunately, but two days ago he walked out of his room wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt.
There was a look of trepidation on his face as he walked towards her, trying his best to not cross his arms to cover his scars.
She wasn’t sure what she expected the first time she saw them. The worst of the burn scars ended just below elbows, the intricate pattern radiating up his arm like a spider’s web. The faint lines on his wrists that he had once shown her in anger months ago also stood out against his pale skin. But this wasn’t out of anger, or fear, or anything else; it was for them.
She couldn’t imagine how hard this was, and her heart almost burst with affection. This was what mattered. He was showing her that she trusted him. Trusted her to see parts of him he rarely showed anyone, trusted her to not run away.
She hadn’t realized that she was blatantly staring until he caught her eye and smiled nervously. He was about to say something when she ran to him and jumped in his arms. She peppered tiny kisses to his neck as she clutched onto him, whispering “Thank you” over and over again against his skin.
That’s where they were now, in the bubble that surrounds the beginning of every good relationship. There was no outside world to infringe on their happiness, just the two of them opening up and enjoying each other’s company.
Andy had managed to smuggle them a Wii, and the pair were currently engaged in a brutal Mario Kart battle.
“No, no, no,” Leslie squealed. “I can’t believe you threw a banana at me.”
“Sorry, Leslie, but there is no mercy in Mario Kart,” he answered as he pressed the buttons on the controller. “Plus, that was payback for when you threw a shell at me the last game. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” she mumbled as she made her way back towards first place. She sporadically attempted to distract him by getting up to block his view or trying to slap the controller out of his hands. She finally managed to smack it to the ground just as they were both rounding the final curve, Leslie claiming the victory.
“Yes! I won. Suck it, Wyatt. Woohoo.”
“Not fair. You cheated.”
“That’s not cheating. We in politics like to call that effective strategy.”
“Well, we in the real world call that cheating. Just admit it, you cheated so you’d win.”
She crossed her arms indignantly. “I will do no such thing. You’re just a sore loser.”
“Admit it,” he growled, slowly backing her into the couch.
“Or what?” she challenged.
“Don’t make me do it, Leslie.”
“I can take whatever you bring. I’m not afraid of you.”
“Oh, but you should be.”
He leapt forward as she fell onto the couch, his hands invading her sides in a series of aggressive tickles.
“Ben, no,” she laughed, trying her best to push his hands away, but failing.
“Not until you admit that you cheated.”
“Never!”
“Then suffer my wrath.” He tried an evil, menacing laugh, but that only caused Leslie to giggle even more. She was lying flat on her back on the couch, Ben looming over her.
He was unrelenting in his attack, and finally Leslie couldn’t take anymore. “Okay, okay, I admit it. I cheated so I’d win. I confess.”
His face was still inches from hers, and she could feel the puffs of his breath as he spoke. “Victory is mine,” he said when his fingers stopped their assault on her sides.
“Please, don’t tell me this is how you get information out of suspects. It’s inhumane.”
“Oh, never. I only save this for the worst of offenders.” He pressed a small kiss on the end of her nose before resting his forehead against hers.
Leslie started running her fingers through his hair as she caught her breath, contented smiles on both of their faces.
She loved his eyes, the warm, chocolate brown that always seemed to stare right through her. He told her everything with his eyes, even the things he wanted to hide. His anger, his fear.
His love.
She knew he loved her, he told her in in every way but with words. He could try to hide it, try to convince himself he didn’t deserve her, but his eyes gave him away every time.
But when he looked at her now, there was something different. It was a hunger, a passion that she had never seen in him before. A desire solely focused on her.
He continued to stare, his eyes smoldering as he licked his lips. She wanted those lips on her, any part of her, but he didn’t move. He was searching for something, hesitating, and that wasn’t going to work for her.
One hand slipped down from his hair and grasped him behind his neck, pulling his face to hers. She didn’t think she’d ever get tired of the way this felt, how warm and soft his mouth was, how perfectly his lips fit against hers.
When his tongue pressed against her lip, she let him in. When his hand pulled at her hair, she groaned. When she felt how much he wanted her, she raised her hips to his.
“I want you. I want you so badly,” he breathed into her mouth.
She could only hum her approval. They were on his timing now. He couldn’t possibly want anything that she wasn’t ready and willing to give him.
“If I asked to take this to the bedroom-”
She cut him off. “I’d say ‘yours or mine’.”
“Yours, definitely, yours.”
He didn’t let her go the entire walk to her bedroom, the game left abandoned in the living room. She fell back onto her sheets, the weight of Ben over her igniting thousands of tiny sparks across her skin.
One by one, he shed her layers, his mouth exploring every inch of newly exposed skin until she was just left with her panties. She ran her hands beneath his shirt and slowly tried to raise it, but he stopped her.
“Not yet. Please, let me do this for you first.”
She didn’t want to wait. She wanted to feel him, see him--all of him, but she nodded.
He mapped her body with his tongue for what felt like an eternity, the growing tension becoming harder to ignore. She wanted to scream in frustration, but the only sounds she could make were moans and sighs.
When he removed that last piece, exposing her to him, she looked into his eyes. She saw that same hunger, that same desire, that same love he couldn’t voice yet.
She was his salvation. Whether she was prepared for that kind of responsibility or not, she wasn’t sure, but she was more than willing to try.
At the first swipe of his tongue, her mind went blank. No more thoughts about the past, about what this would mean for them moving forward, nothing. Just Ben.
Leslie writhed as his mouth assaulted her, licking and kissing and teasing her closer and closer to oblivion. Her hands reached blindly for his hair, and he only moaned as she tugged on his scalp.
When he finally, finally gave her what she needed, the explosion of heat left her boneless, barely aware of Ben kissing is way up her body. When she had the strength to open her eyes, he was waiting, a smile so beautiful and brilliant she wanted nothing more than to kiss it off of him.
“This isn’t very fair,” she panted. “I shouldn’t be the only one this naked and feeling this good.”
Without a warning, she switched their positions, her naked body straddling his clothed one, kissing the taste of her off of his tongue. Her hand once again slipped under the hem of his shirt and she looked at him, waiting for his approval.
When he nodded, she kissed him again, over and over until she had to pull away to lift the shirt over his head.
The sight of him brought tears to her eyes, tears she couldn’t hide from him even though she wanted to. The scars were old, the same spider web pattern she had seen on his arm spread across his chest and shoulders. Standing out from the rest was the new scar just next to his heart, the puckered bullet wound he had because of her. She traced the lines of his scars with a delicate finger as the tears fell.
“I’m sorry. Please don’t cry,” he begged. “I know they’re bad, but we can turn the light off or I can put my shirt back on-”
“Don’t you dare, Ben Wyatt. I’m crying because you’re so beautiful, and I wish I could take your pain away. I’m crying because this should have never happened to you.” She pressed her lips against the scar next to his heart. “I’m crying because you still think you need to hide from me. You don’t. You’ll never have to ever again.”
His own eyes glistened with unshed tears as he nodded, Leslie sealing her declaration with a kiss to his lips before moving her attentions elsewhere.
She pushed him flat against the mattress, going over every piece of raised skin with her tongue. She worshiped his body like he had done to her, and could only hope that he felt a fraction of the love that he made her feel.
Once she had removed his pants and shorts, she only stroked him a few times before he stilled her hand and flipped them. She whined in protest, but he shut her up with a kiss.
“It’s been a really long time for me. I won’t last if you keep doing that.”
She nodded in understanding, opening her legs so he could better settle himself between them.
When he pushed into her, she knew what it felt like to be full and complete. She shouldn’t have been surprised that his attention to detail would have carried over into their lovemaking, but it was still a shock that he seemed to know exactly what she needed.
It wasn’t perfect, the first time never is, but it was more than even her imagination had allowed her to contemplate. It just felt...right.
He came with her name on his lips, apologies that he just couldn’t wait anymore. That didn’t matter, he had already given that to her before. She cradled his head against her breast when he collapsed on top of her, peppering kisses across his scalp and forehead.
He tried to roll off of her, but she held him in place. She had him now, and she wasn’t letting go.
Part 11
Author:
zarrati
Word Count: 6,800
Genre: AU
Pairing: Leslie/Ben
Rating: R for Language, violent/traumatic themes, and sexual content
Author's Note: This chapter takes a break from the main, case plot, and focuses on a resolution between Leslie and Ben. There is a sexual content warning for this chapter.
She needed Ann.
She also needed water, some aspirin, and a good teeth brushing, but she needed Ann most of all. Ann would pull Leslie into one of those amazing hugs, rub her back as she puked her guts out, and tell her that Ben was a big, stupid idiot that didn’t deserve her anyway. Yes, Ann would know exactly what to do and say to make her feel better. Unfortunately, Ann wasn't a viable option.
So instead, Leslie sat alone on the floor of the bathroom, her stomach queasy, her head pounding, and her eyes red and swollen. She hated this, hated being stuck in the middle of nowhere because people were trying to kill her, hated that she couldn’t call her best friend on the phone when she needed her, hated that she would have to continue sharing a house with the man who just broke her heart.
Leslie groaned and rested her head against the edge of the bathtub. She was too drunk to deal with this right now. Maybe this was all a figment of her alcohol infused imagination, a terrible, terrible dream, and everything will be right in the world when she wakes up tomorrow morning.
But the emptiness that she felt, the dull ache in her chest, was too strong for it to not be real.
She didn’t remember it hurting this bad, not even when she had broken up with actual boyfriends. She and Ben weren’t dating, if anything they were colleagues with the benefit of being friends. At least, she thought they were friends. Had she deluded herself into thinking they were more than they were?
No, he told her he cared about her, that he had feelings for her, but he was afraid to act on them. He wasn’t lying to her, was he? But what friend would string her along like this, make her believe that she actually had a chance only to tell her it could never be? She really thought out here, secluded and alone, that something could happen. They could just be Leslie and Ben without the added pressure of their jobs and their pasts.
She was wrong.
Why was she such a mess? She was the damn president of Pawnee. She should be back at home running her country, not throwing up in an old cabin toilet and sobbing over a boy.
Nothing sounded as tempting as crawling into bed and sleeping for the foreseeable future, but that would mean getting up from floor and possibly facing Ben. She wasn’t ready for that, she wasn’t sure if she’d ever be ready after what happened tonight.
They both said things they couldn’t take back, truthful and painful things. He wasn't ready to let go of his guilt and shame, and as long as he believed that he was a hindrance to her life and career, he wasn’t going to allow himself to act on whatever it was that he felt.
Rationally she knew all of this, but a part of her, the sad, angry, and drunk part, didn’t want to be so understanding.
She could still feel the ghost of his lips on hers, remember how he tasted, and it sent another wave of emotion through her. For those few glorious seconds, she felt what it could be like between the two of them, and it was powerful. Maybe that’s why this was hurting so much. Because she knew, she just knew they had something special. No one had impacted her life the way Ben had, no one had sacrificed themselves so selflessly as he had for her. Even now, his refusal was out of some backwards desire to protect her. He was willing to sacrifice his happiness for her sake.
If only he knew he was only hurting them both.
Leslie didn’t need him to protect her honor or her reputation. Her parents had taught her independence, first and foremost. Her life brought with it a lot of opportunity and privilege, but they still emphasized the importance of self-sufficiency. She didn’t need people bending over backwards to do every little thing for her. She liked getting her hands dirty, standing up for herself. That’s why she was so opposed to the idea of having a personal bodyguard in the first place.
But they forced her into it and Ben was the only one that she trusted enough to do it. That should have been another red flag to her that she was going down a potentially dangerous road with him. She so willingly put her life into his hands, a man she had met only a few weeks prior and instantly disliked. But also a man whose very presence made her heart beat faster, whose smile in her direction unleashed a thousand butterflies in her stomach.
As Leslie curled into a ball on the cold, bathroom tile, it hit her--somewhere along the way she had fallen in love with him. Between spending their days together in her office, sharing meals and comfortable silences, to baking sprees and movie nights where she fell asleep on his shoulder and he carried her off to bed, he made her love him. This beautiful, nerdy, tortured, brave man had ingrained himself in her life.
She had wanted tonight to be special, a celebration of his health and their potential future together, but it had gone so horribly wrong. Instead of being wrapped in Ben’s arms, she cried herself to sleep.
~~~~~
The silence was too loud and the darkness too bright. Her head was about to explode, and her mouth felt like she had just swallowed sand. Leslie groaned and rolled over into her pillow when she realized that she wasn’t on the bathroom floor, but her bed. She forgot how she got there, but unfortunately, hadn’t forgotten about her fight with Ben.
The thought that Ben was the one that carried her to bed made her cringe, him finding her passed out drunk, her eyes swollen from crying over him. Her fear was confirmed when she saw a tall glass of water and a bottle of aspirin sitting on the nightstand. But no, that wasn’t enough. As if him carrying her to bed and helping her battle the oncoming hangover and making her feel whole lot of feelings she wasn’t ready to deal with wasn’t enough, he had to strike her where it would hurt.
Next to the bottle and glass was her father’s white knight.
She remembered how she felt when she found it in his pocket after Ben was shot, clutching onto it the hours he was in surgery like it was a connection to him. The day after he had woken up, she returned it. She said he deserved it now more than ever, and as pale as he was, a redness flushed his face as he accepted the token with a shy smile.
And now it mocked her from its place on the table. She reached over to take some of the aspirin when she noticed a note in Ben’s familiar scrawl.
I know you’re angry and have every right to be, and I’ll respect your need for space for as long as you need it. After what happened last night, I wouldn’t be surprised if you never wanted to see me again, but when you’re up for it, we need to talk. Please, just know how sorry I am, and how much I care about you.
I’m returning the knight because I am no longer fit to carry it. It’s a symbol of everything that I’m not. Your father was a great man, and I’m not worthy enough to have one of his most prized possessions, let alone be with his daughter.
Leslie stared at the note slackjawed and unable to fully process Ben’s words. She wanted to feel something. Anger, sadness, love, despair, hope--anything, but she was just numb. Maybe this was just as good. It hurt too much to feel things anyway.
She drank her pills, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
~~~~~
Ben wasn’t lying when he said he’d give her space. It had been four days since their fight, and Leslie hadn’t gotten more than a glimpse of him. They managed to unconsciously fall into their own routine. Leslie would wake up at her usual ungodly hour, get ready, and be back in her room by the time Ben’s alarm went off. Now that he was back on active duty, he spent a majority of his time with the other agents patrolling the grounds, and every morning he leaves a note on her door with his itinerary. She assumed he did this in the hopes that she’d try to find him, but she hasn’t. She wasn’t ready to have that talk.
Having that talk would be the final nail in the coffin, the final, sober discussion about them and whatever their relationship was. She couldn’t bear to hear Ben tell her again that he couldn’t be with her, and that as soon as this whole thing was done, he was going to leave her forever.
If he told her one more time that he wasn’t good enough for her, she was going to rip his throat out.
So the more she ignored him, the longer she could postpone the inevitable.
But to be honest, she hated how things were. She missed eating breakfast with him, playing board games, and watching movies with him. She missed their talks, even the ones that weren’t about anything important.
She missed him.
Some nights when she couldn’t sleep, she’d open up one of her scrapbooks of the two of them. It was stupid to torture herself that way, but she couldn’t help it. Ben covered in flour after his first time baking with her, the two of them sharing lunch in her office, Leslie beating him at chess for the first and only time. So many memories over such a short amount of time.
She’d trace her fingers over his face, sometimes bright and smiling, other times confused and bewildered when he couldn’t quite understand why she would take pictures at the most random moments. Those photos were for times like these, when despite everything, she wanted nothing more than to see his face. He was unguarded and happy in these pictures, the constant dark cloud that hung over him missing if only for a few, brief seconds.
But there was one picture, her favorite picture, that she kept hidden in the drawer of her nightstand, one that she had looked at almost every night since it was taken over two weeks ago. It had been one of the agent’s birthdays, and the group decided to have a barbeque lunch in celebration. It had been such an amazing time. Planning the party had given Leslie something to do for a few days, and she went above and beyond, as was usual.
All of the agents ended up bringing a side dish, and Ron’s grill was fired up and filled with burgers and hot dogs. There had been a shortage of chairs outside, so Leslie took it upon herself to claim a seat right on Ben’s lap. She wasn’t sure if it was the caffeine and sugar rush from the seven sodas and five cupcakes she had eaten, but she was so happy and giddy that she planted herself there without warning.
He had tensed at first, but soon relaxed and continued to chat with the other agents while Andy pulled out his phone to take a picture. They both looked so relaxed and happy, like a real couple. Her on his lap and smiling, him so at ease with his good arm wrapped around her waist as though it belonged there.
Everytime she looked at it now there was nothing but a painful emptiness, but she couldn’t stop.
~~~~~~
It was day five of her self-imposed Ben avoidance, and she had spent the majority of it in her room crocheting some Christmas gifts when she heard a knock on her door. There was a brief moment of panic until Andy’s voice wafted through.
“Leslie? Hey, Leslie, are you in there?”
“Andy? Yeah, come on in.”
He opened the door with his trademark happy face and plopped himself next to Leslie on her bed.
“I didn’t know you were coming here today,” she said.
“Well, I wasn’t supposed to, but Ben called me to get in touch with Ann, who then called me back and then I had to call Ben again, and he asked me to come here and talk to you about what he told me to tell Ann and what she said to me to tell you.”
“Wait, Ben talked to you and Ann?” She was going to die of embarrassment if she didn’t kill Ben first.
“Yeah, but don’t be mad at him. He really wanted to get in touch with Ann, but since he’s not allowed to call anyone besides me or Chris, he figured this was the best way. He said he knew that you probably really wanted to talk to Ann, so this was our only option. But don’t worry, they really didn’t tell me much, and Ann told me everything that she wanted me to tell you.”
“You didn’t write it down?”
“Ugh, that would have been a great idea. But it’s okay, I have a great memory.”
Leslie placed her hands on Andy’s shoulders with reverence. “Oh, Ann, please speak your words of wisdom to me through your humble vessel.”
Andy took a deep breath. “Okay, so she said ‘First tell Leslie I love her and miss her more than anything-’ “
“I love you too, Ann.”
“Awww. Uhm, anyway, yeah she said that she loves you and, uhm, oh shoot.”
“What, Andy? What did she say next? I need to know!”
“No, okay I got it. Something about wishing she could be here for you, and that she knows you’re probably hurting right now, but it’s all going to be okay. Also, you’re probably angry at Ben and refuse to talk to him, but that you really should.”
Leslie threw herself face first onto the mattress and groaned. “But I don’t want to. You hear that, Ann? I don’t want to.”
“Uhm, Leslie, I don’t think she can hear you.”
She stared blankly at him. “Is that all she said?”
“Yes?” He apologized at her groan of frustration. “I’m sorry, I forgot if she said anything else, but I’m almost positive that was what basically everything she said.”
Another groan. “That was pointless. You give the worst advice ever, Ann.” Leslie quickly sat up and engulfed Andy in a hug. “No, it’s not, I’m sorry. That’s a lie. You’re the greatest, most beautiful, amazing friend ever, Ann.”
Andy pats her back awkwardly. “You do know this is Andy, right? And I’m just pretending to be Ann?”
She pulls away and laughs. “Yeah, Andy, sorry about that. I just miss her so much, so I’m taking out all of my pent up Ann love on you.”
“That makes a lot more sense. I was getting worried for a second.” He crosses his arms. “So, what’s up with you and Ben? Do I need to beat him up for you?”
“What? No, don’t do that.”
He sighs in relief. “Okay, good, because I really like him. He’s super awesome.”
Leslie remained silent.
“Oh, I think I know what happened,” Andy stroked his chin.
She grimaced. “You do?”
“Yeah, it’s about money, right? He stole the presidential diamonds from the super secret vault and hid them somewhere.”
“Andy, none of what you just said exists.”
“Right, sure it doesn’t. There are no presidential diamonds or secret vault. Got ya,” he winked.
“No, seriously, it’s not about any of that.”
He deflated. “Aw, man. Then what is it?”
“It’s complicated-”
“Oh! Did he finally tell you he liked you?”
She gaped at him. “You knew?”
“Sure. I mean I noticed something was weird between you two a while back and said something. Ha, actually I thought it was about money then, too. Are you sure neither of you stole anything from the other?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Now focus back here. What did he say?”
Andy shrugged his shoulders. “Uhm, not much. It was the day that you got really angry at him and he seemed really upset. He said that he screwed up because he starting liking you and he was afraid he’d ruin everything. He didn’t think someone like you could ever want to be with him, you know, with his past and job and everything.”
“Oh Andy, it’s all so messed up,” Leslie sighed. “He told me how he felt, and I felt the same way too, but we agreed to wait it out. Well, he wanted to wait it out. He was just so scared of ruining things that I let it go. I just figured I could make him see he was being stupid and we’d get together, but it went so wrong. I thought out here it would be different, you know? No press, no pressure, just us. But it didn’t work and I said some pretty terrible things and now I don’t know what to do.”
She picked at the comforter until Andy broke the silence. “You know, at first, I was kinda terrified to go out with April. She’s amazing and wonderful and perfect, and I was afraid. I mean, my job is super dangerous and she’s so much younger than me and I knew she could do way better, so I got cold feet a few times. But then I saw how much she liked me despite all of that. She didn’t care, and we dated and fell in love and now we’re married and super happy.”
“That’s really sweet, but I don’t know how that helps.”
“I’m saying that I can kind of understand where Ben’s coming from. Some of the stuff we’ve seen, it’s messed up, Leslie. Watching people die, killing people, all that stuff stays in your mind and it scares you. What Ben dealt with, man, I can’t even imagine. I guess when you see all the ugly in the world, it’s hard to accept something good when it comes your way. I’m not gonna tell you to wait forever, because that’s not fair to either of you, but give him some time. Talk to him. If how he looks now is any indication, he’s not taking this any better than you are.”
“You saw him? How is he?” she asked quickly.
“You mean you haven’t seen him or talked to him in almost a week? You live in the same house.”
Leslie looked away, embarrassed. “We’ve been giving each other space.”
“Well, he looks like he hasn’t slept or eaten a good meal in days. I think he realizes that he screwed up, but isn't sure what to do. He cares about you, that much is obvious, but he’s afraid of hurting you.”
“He’s hurting me now by pushing me away!”
“I know that,” Andy placated, “but I think he thinks he’s doing the right thing. I’ve seen this before with some of my agents after a traumatic experience. They become super afraid of hurting their loved ones. Like all of a sudden they’re poison or something. They figure it would just be better if they stayed away, so they try. And he’s been living with that guilt almost forever. Imagine how he probably thinks.
“You’re the super, awesome, kick-ass president, Leslie. You’re important. Our jobs are to protect you so you can do your job. Nothing matters to us more than that. For him, it’s probably even worse because he cares about you, like really cares. He was a wreck after his story was printed in the tabloids, not because of him, but because he was afraid of what you’d think of him.”
“I know all of this. I do, I really do. I just don’t know what I can do to convince him that I don’t care. When I’m with him, I don’t want to just be his boss that he feels obligated to protect. I don’t want to be President Leslie Knope and Major Benjamin Wyatt. God, I just--I just want to be Leslie and Ben, two people who care about each other and occasionally, okay more than occasionally, make out. Is that too much to ask?”
Andy wrapped his arm around Leslie’s shoulder and pulled her to his side. “It’s not, boss. That’s why you need to talk to him, really talk. Tell him exactly how you feel. He won’t change overnight, but maybe if you tell him enough, he’ll start to believe it.”
She pulled him into a tight hug. “Thank you, Andy. I really needed this.”
“No problem,” he replied as he squeezed her. “I really think this will work, and you and Ben will get together, and he’ll finally return those diamonds.”
Leslie just sighed and shook her head. “Andy, I told you--”
“Oh, right. That part isn’t real. Dang, it really should be, though.” He glanced down at his watch. “Well, I need to head back, but if you need me, you know where to reach me. Also, if he hurts you, I will beat him up.”
Leslie laughed for the first time in five days. A real, honest to goodness belly laugh that left her in tears. “Thank you, Andy, but I don’t think that will be necessary. Please tell Ann that she’s perfect and I love her and thank her for me? And give my love to everyone back at the office, okay.”
“Will do, boss. See ya.”
He got up from the bed and closed the door behind him. Leslie could hear muffled voices coming from the living room that she could only assume belonged to Ben and Andy.
Ben. They’d really screwed things up, hadn’t they.
Leslie steeled herself for a conversation that was long overdue.
~~~~~
It took almost an hour before Leslie was able to prepare herself for what might either be the best or worst confrontation of her life. It didn’t matter that she’s taken down foreign leaders or given speeches to hundreds of diplomats. This was different, it was personal, and right now, personal was all she had--Ben was all she had, and she wasn’t going to lose him.
She quietly walked out of her bedroom towards the dining room. It was his usual eating time, and she figured this would be the best chance to talk. True to his schedule, Ben was sitting at the table, his head in his hands next to a plate of untouched food.
He must really be out of it, Leslie thought to herself. Under any normal circumstance, Ben would have heard her coming a mile away. Instead, he just sat there, oblivious.
“Hey,” she whispered softly.
His head jerked from his hands and turned towards her. Andy wasn’t lying when he said that Ben wasn’t holding up well. His eyes were red with purple bags beneath them, his hair standing up at all angles from running his hands through it, and he hadn’t bothered to even shave. He looked about as miserable as she felt.
“Hey,” he croaked back, “I’m sorry I was just about to leave. I’ll be out of your hair in a minute.”
Leslie stilled him with a hand on his shoulder. “No, stay. I think it’s time we had our talk. Way past time, actually. Is that okay?”
He shook his head quickly. “Uh, yeah, that’s good.”
She took the seat next to him, folding and refolding her hands on the tabletop. She could feel his gaze burning a hole in the side of her head as he waited for her to speak.
“Uhm, first of all, Ben, I wanted to apologize.”
“Leslie, you don’t owe me--”
“Yes, I do,” she cut him off. “I was drunk and I came on way too strong and got upset when you didn’t want what I wanted. I said some pretty harsh things. I’m gonna be honest, I meant most of what I said, but I do regret how I said it. It wasn’t fair to you at all.”
“Les-”
“No, please, I just want to get this all out first, okay? Please?”
He nodded mutely.
She took a deep breath. “I messed up. I admit that. I was selfish and only focused on getting my way instead of listening to you. I think we both know that I’m not the most patient person in the world.”
He chuckled at that. “No, you’re definitely not.”
“Well, anyway,” she smirked, “I’m not the most patient person, and I didn’t give you what you needed, which was time. But I also want to better explain my side. You just frustrate me sometimes. I felt like I was getting all of these mixed signals from you for weeks. Anytime I felt like we were getting closer, you’d push me away, only for the cycle to repeat itself. And it hurt, Ben. It still hurts.”
“I don’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know you don’t, but that’s what I’m talking about. You have this idea that I’m this perfect person that needs to be put up on a pedestal just out of reach from you, but I’m not. I’m not too good for you, my life and career aren’t gonna come tumbling to the ground if we get involved. Will the press talk? Probably. I mean it’s their job, but I don’t care. I don’t know how many times I have to say it until you believe me, but I’ll keep saying it because it’s true. You’re not unworthy of me or whatever else is going through your head.”
Ben sighed and wiped his face. “I want to believe you, I really do. It’s just so hard to let all of this go.”
“I know it is.” Leslie reached forward and held one of his hands. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve gone through and how it affects you, but I want to understand. I want you to be able to come to me and tell me these things so I can help you. I’ve seen you at some of your worst moments. I know your story, I’ve seen your wrists, I’ve woken you from nightmares and held you, and all it does is make me care about you more.
“I want to be there for you through everything, just like you’ve been there for me. If you don’t feel that way for me, I can accept that. It’ll hurt, but I can get over it. But please, please don’t deny us the chance to try because you’re afraid of hurting me, because I don’t think anything will hurt worse than looking back and regretting that we never even gave it a chance.”
She pulled the chess piece from her pocket and slid it across the table. “You are truly an amazing and wonderful man, and honestly the only person other than my father who deserves this. It symbolizes everything that you are but refuse to see in yourself. Anytime you start to doubt yourself--or us, look at this and know that you have two Pawnee presidents on your side. My dad would have been proud to call you one of his soldiers.”
Ben reached out and ran his finger over the grooves of the wooden horse head. “I want all of that. I want that so badly it hurts sometimes. I want to believe that I am a good enough soldier, a good enough man. I’m just so scared of messing up, but I ended up doing that anyway.”
“I know you’re scared. I am, too. It scares me how much I’ve come to depend on you, how much I need you. I’ve never needed anyone the way that I feel I need you, but it also excites me. No matter what you might think about yourself, I have so much faith in you it makes this fear go away a little.
“I’m not naive. I know that this won’t be easy. There are gonna be times when I push too hard, and days when your insecurities might get the best of you and you try to hide from me, but I know we can do this. We can go as slow as you want. We don’t have to rush into anything. I just--I want to be with you in any way that I can.”
She looked at him, her eyes pleading and her lip trembling. She wanted him to say yes--needed him to. She couldn’t lose him, not after everything they had been through together. He just kept searching her eyes, and it worried her that he hadn’t said anything.
But he didn’t have to. He answered her with a kiss.
~~~~~
It was amazing how quickly that one little shift changed everything. They had both agreed to take things slow, but it was so worth it. It had only been a week since their talk, but she didn’t remember feeling more content. They were back to their “pre-fight” closeness, with a bit more makeouts and cuddling thrown in here and there.
The biggest change was that they were talking now. Not just about the case or little stupid things here and there. They were actually opening up, telling each other everything they had been too scared to share.
Leslie opened up more about her past, how her childhood shaped her, made her the woman she was today. Ben talked about what happened after ICE Town, about his recovery, his therapy, the nightmares. He was still holding things back, Leslie knew that, but it didn’t make her any less proud of him. He wasn’t going to change just because they admitted their feelings, but the fact that he was trying was all she needed.
Perhaps the most significant thing was that Ben was starting to be more comfortable with his body around her. He wasn’t walking around shirtless, unfortunately, but two days ago he walked out of his room wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt.
There was a look of trepidation on his face as he walked towards her, trying his best to not cross his arms to cover his scars.
She wasn’t sure what she expected the first time she saw them. The worst of the burn scars ended just below elbows, the intricate pattern radiating up his arm like a spider’s web. The faint lines on his wrists that he had once shown her in anger months ago also stood out against his pale skin. But this wasn’t out of anger, or fear, or anything else; it was for them.
She couldn’t imagine how hard this was, and her heart almost burst with affection. This was what mattered. He was showing her that she trusted him. Trusted her to see parts of him he rarely showed anyone, trusted her to not run away.
She hadn’t realized that she was blatantly staring until he caught her eye and smiled nervously. He was about to say something when she ran to him and jumped in his arms. She peppered tiny kisses to his neck as she clutched onto him, whispering “Thank you” over and over again against his skin.
That’s where they were now, in the bubble that surrounds the beginning of every good relationship. There was no outside world to infringe on their happiness, just the two of them opening up and enjoying each other’s company.
Andy had managed to smuggle them a Wii, and the pair were currently engaged in a brutal Mario Kart battle.
“No, no, no,” Leslie squealed. “I can’t believe you threw a banana at me.”
“Sorry, Leslie, but there is no mercy in Mario Kart,” he answered as he pressed the buttons on the controller. “Plus, that was payback for when you threw a shell at me the last game. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” she mumbled as she made her way back towards first place. She sporadically attempted to distract him by getting up to block his view or trying to slap the controller out of his hands. She finally managed to smack it to the ground just as they were both rounding the final curve, Leslie claiming the victory.
“Yes! I won. Suck it, Wyatt. Woohoo.”
“Not fair. You cheated.”
“That’s not cheating. We in politics like to call that effective strategy.”
“Well, we in the real world call that cheating. Just admit it, you cheated so you’d win.”
She crossed her arms indignantly. “I will do no such thing. You’re just a sore loser.”
“Admit it,” he growled, slowly backing her into the couch.
“Or what?” she challenged.
“Don’t make me do it, Leslie.”
“I can take whatever you bring. I’m not afraid of you.”
“Oh, but you should be.”
He leapt forward as she fell onto the couch, his hands invading her sides in a series of aggressive tickles.
“Ben, no,” she laughed, trying her best to push his hands away, but failing.
“Not until you admit that you cheated.”
“Never!”
“Then suffer my wrath.” He tried an evil, menacing laugh, but that only caused Leslie to giggle even more. She was lying flat on her back on the couch, Ben looming over her.
He was unrelenting in his attack, and finally Leslie couldn’t take anymore. “Okay, okay, I admit it. I cheated so I’d win. I confess.”
His face was still inches from hers, and she could feel the puffs of his breath as he spoke. “Victory is mine,” he said when his fingers stopped their assault on her sides.
“Please, don’t tell me this is how you get information out of suspects. It’s inhumane.”
“Oh, never. I only save this for the worst of offenders.” He pressed a small kiss on the end of her nose before resting his forehead against hers.
Leslie started running her fingers through his hair as she caught her breath, contented smiles on both of their faces.
She loved his eyes, the warm, chocolate brown that always seemed to stare right through her. He told her everything with his eyes, even the things he wanted to hide. His anger, his fear.
His love.
She knew he loved her, he told her in in every way but with words. He could try to hide it, try to convince himself he didn’t deserve her, but his eyes gave him away every time.
But when he looked at her now, there was something different. It was a hunger, a passion that she had never seen in him before. A desire solely focused on her.
He continued to stare, his eyes smoldering as he licked his lips. She wanted those lips on her, any part of her, but he didn’t move. He was searching for something, hesitating, and that wasn’t going to work for her.
One hand slipped down from his hair and grasped him behind his neck, pulling his face to hers. She didn’t think she’d ever get tired of the way this felt, how warm and soft his mouth was, how perfectly his lips fit against hers.
When his tongue pressed against her lip, she let him in. When his hand pulled at her hair, she groaned. When she felt how much he wanted her, she raised her hips to his.
“I want you. I want you so badly,” he breathed into her mouth.
She could only hum her approval. They were on his timing now. He couldn’t possibly want anything that she wasn’t ready and willing to give him.
“If I asked to take this to the bedroom-”
She cut him off. “I’d say ‘yours or mine’.”
“Yours, definitely, yours.”
He didn’t let her go the entire walk to her bedroom, the game left abandoned in the living room. She fell back onto her sheets, the weight of Ben over her igniting thousands of tiny sparks across her skin.
One by one, he shed her layers, his mouth exploring every inch of newly exposed skin until she was just left with her panties. She ran her hands beneath his shirt and slowly tried to raise it, but he stopped her.
“Not yet. Please, let me do this for you first.”
She didn’t want to wait. She wanted to feel him, see him--all of him, but she nodded.
He mapped her body with his tongue for what felt like an eternity, the growing tension becoming harder to ignore. She wanted to scream in frustration, but the only sounds she could make were moans and sighs.
When he removed that last piece, exposing her to him, she looked into his eyes. She saw that same hunger, that same desire, that same love he couldn’t voice yet.
She was his salvation. Whether she was prepared for that kind of responsibility or not, she wasn’t sure, but she was more than willing to try.
At the first swipe of his tongue, her mind went blank. No more thoughts about the past, about what this would mean for them moving forward, nothing. Just Ben.
Leslie writhed as his mouth assaulted her, licking and kissing and teasing her closer and closer to oblivion. Her hands reached blindly for his hair, and he only moaned as she tugged on his scalp.
When he finally, finally gave her what she needed, the explosion of heat left her boneless, barely aware of Ben kissing is way up her body. When she had the strength to open her eyes, he was waiting, a smile so beautiful and brilliant she wanted nothing more than to kiss it off of him.
“This isn’t very fair,” she panted. “I shouldn’t be the only one this naked and feeling this good.”
Without a warning, she switched their positions, her naked body straddling his clothed one, kissing the taste of her off of his tongue. Her hand once again slipped under the hem of his shirt and she looked at him, waiting for his approval.
When he nodded, she kissed him again, over and over until she had to pull away to lift the shirt over his head.
The sight of him brought tears to her eyes, tears she couldn’t hide from him even though she wanted to. The scars were old, the same spider web pattern she had seen on his arm spread across his chest and shoulders. Standing out from the rest was the new scar just next to his heart, the puckered bullet wound he had because of her. She traced the lines of his scars with a delicate finger as the tears fell.
“I’m sorry. Please don’t cry,” he begged. “I know they’re bad, but we can turn the light off or I can put my shirt back on-”
“Don’t you dare, Ben Wyatt. I’m crying because you’re so beautiful, and I wish I could take your pain away. I’m crying because this should have never happened to you.” She pressed her lips against the scar next to his heart. “I’m crying because you still think you need to hide from me. You don’t. You’ll never have to ever again.”
His own eyes glistened with unshed tears as he nodded, Leslie sealing her declaration with a kiss to his lips before moving her attentions elsewhere.
She pushed him flat against the mattress, going over every piece of raised skin with her tongue. She worshiped his body like he had done to her, and could only hope that he felt a fraction of the love that he made her feel.
Once she had removed his pants and shorts, she only stroked him a few times before he stilled her hand and flipped them. She whined in protest, but he shut her up with a kiss.
“It’s been a really long time for me. I won’t last if you keep doing that.”
She nodded in understanding, opening her legs so he could better settle himself between them.
When he pushed into her, she knew what it felt like to be full and complete. She shouldn’t have been surprised that his attention to detail would have carried over into their lovemaking, but it was still a shock that he seemed to know exactly what she needed.
It wasn’t perfect, the first time never is, but it was more than even her imagination had allowed her to contemplate. It just felt...right.
He came with her name on his lips, apologies that he just couldn’t wait anymore. That didn’t matter, he had already given that to her before. She cradled his head against her breast when he collapsed on top of her, peppering kisses across his scalp and forehead.
He tried to roll off of her, but she held him in place. She had him now, and she wasn’t letting go.
Part 11