Going Ape
Title: Going Ape
Author: ZanneS
Genre: Humor/Gen/Crack
Rating: PG (mild bad language)
Characters: Sam and Dean
Summary: Dean gets into trouble with a woman, and Sam's going bananas dealing with the consequences.
Author's Notes: Thanks to
immortal_jedifor beta-ing! Since the series is covering the angst just fine on its own, this is yet another silly Dean Transformation!fic. I just can't leave the guy human. Kripke owns all.
Going Ape
Sam sighed ruefully, not even bothering to look at his brother sprawled in the passenger seat.
“How does this always happen to you?” Sam asked, his voice oddly flat. “It’s getting a little ridiculous.”
Dean just bared his teeth in a smile and bobbed his head, one long finger reaching into his ear before he pulled it back out to sniff whatever he’d found, tentatively licking at the tip.
“Get that out of your mouth,” Sam ordered, reaching over to yank Dean’s hand away from his face.
Dean chittered angrily in response, before slumping in his seat and staring out of the car window, his lower lip sticking out in a pronounced pout.
“You know what this means, right?” Sam asked, something like amusement coloring his tone. “You’ve got to stop sleeping with witches. You have some kind of perverse sixth sense when it comes to women you should stay away from.”
Sam reached over to tug on one of Dean’s large ears and winced when Dean’s long arm swatted him solidly on the chest.
“Ouch! Hey!” Sam sputtered, rubbing at the sore spot with a frown. “Quit sulking, Bubbles. We’re almost home.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“This ain’t a zoo,” the elderly manager stated once again. “Dogs, sure…if ya pay extra. But we don’t do monkeys.”
“Chimpanzee,” Sam corrected automatically, though he doubted the man would hear him, since he hadn’t listened the first hundred times he’d said it. He shifted Dean’s weight on his hip and Dean - the bastard - continued to pick at Sam’s hair, stuffing his fingers into his mouth as he groomed him.
“He’s not a pet. He’s a…service animal.”
The old man arched an incredulous eyebrow.
“Like a seeing eye dog,” Sam explained.
“You’re not blind,” the man said suspiciously, leaning to the side to stare out of the motel office window. “I saw ya drivin’ that car, so I know that much.”
Dean’s shriek nearly deafened Sam as he cackled in obvious amusement, bouncing up and down in Sam’s arms.
“I’ve got a…bum knee,” Sam said quickly, leaning to the left as if it couldn’t bear his full weight. “He fetches what I need so I don’t have to walk too much.”
“Looked fine earlier, when you was chasin’ after this critter ‘cross my property.”
Sam glared at Dean, who refused to meet his eyes, instead reaching out to snatch the pen off the motel ledger.
“Thank you…Bonzo,” Sam said with a forced smile, grabbing the pen and wrestling it out of Dean’s grip. “Just what I needed. I should add you to the register.”
Dean hooted in annoyance at losing his toy and tugged hard at Sam’s hair, wriggling out of his grip. He scooted across the floor towards the plastic plant in the corner, and curiously nibbled the leaves.
“He’s not very bright, is he?” the man pointed out with a grimace. “If he shits on the floor, I’m chargin’ you triple.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam looked down at his shoe, and pressed his lips together as he tried to calm down.
“Dean?”
No response.
“Dean! Get out here!”
The sheet ruffled under the bed, and Sam turned towards the noise.
“There’s no excuse for this! You’ve got opposable thumbs…use the damn toilet!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Yeah…I know!” Sam laughed into the phone, rustling around in the grocery bags and pulling out an overly ripe banana. “That’s exactly what I told him!”
Sam tossed it towards his brother, who was bouncing on the bed and rolling back and forth across the rumpled sheets, making low, happy noises as he did so. The banana rebounded off the pillow and landed by Dean’s head, where he picked it up and tore into it with his teeth, before peeling away the skin in strips and dropping them to the floor.
“You’re picking that up,” Sam told him, keeping the phone awkwardly trapped against his shoulder with his cheek as he tried to sort out his purchases. Pulling out a large box of diapers, he pointed from the box to Dean and back again. Dean flipped Sam the finger as he stuck his tongue out, mashed up banana oozing from his mouth.
“Nice. You remember that and how to masturbate, but you can’t seem to remember how to use the bathroom. Good skill set you’ve got there, Cheetah.”
Sam snorted as he refocused on his previous conversation. “No, I’m not talking to you, Bobby. I’m sure you manage that just fine.”
He paused, cocking his head to the side to listen to whatever it was Bobby was saying, and he quickly interrupted. “She said - no, make that shouted and threw a flowerpot - that Dean was no better than an animal, and she’d make sure everyone could see it.” Sam’s brows arched upwards. “He did his usual Dean thing, as far as I know…my guess is she took him seriously.”
Sam groaned and rubbed at his eyes one-handed as Bobby spoke. “I want to keep going back there as a last resort. I really don’t want that girl pissed at me. What if she turns me into a giraffe or something?”
He hmphed into the phone, sticking a straw into a juice box and walking over to hand it to Dean, who clumsily puckered his lips and tried to slurp up the straw, before finally managing to get it in his mouth. “I guess we could try that, but I have no idea where to look. Maybe I can try the bar where he found her.”
Sam clicked the phone shut with a decided slump to his shoulders, before turning to Dean, who loped over and crooned softly at him as he stroked Sam’s hair. “Bobby says we should look up her coven. One of them should be able to take off the spell, or tell us how to break it.”
Dean hooted happily and clapped his hands together, before grabbing his feet in both hands and rolling backwards on the carpet.
“Get back here, Baby Hughie,” Sam said, grabbing for the diapers. “There’s no avoiding the inevitable.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bar was just like their usual dive, and Sam was a bit surprised that this was the preferred hangout for the local coven. He had almost expected a tea shop with lace doilies, rather than a low end honky tonk with a bull ride machine in the back.
The bartender was less than enthused to answer his questions, but it may have been his discomfort with Dean’s proximity, rather than any hesitance to share what he knew.
“I’ll take a beer,” Sam said, and Dean screeched loudly and pounded the table. “Uh…one for my friend, too.” He noticed that the diaper he’d managed to somehow duct tape on Dean before leaving the hotel was already gone.
Bastard.
The bartender carefully shoved two bottles of beer in their direction, and Dean snatched his with a friendly waggle of his head, prying the lid off with his long canines and taking a long drink.
The man just inched further away from Dean. “You know they bite, right? There was that guy in California that got his nose clear torn off.”
Sam paused, remembering the story, and turned to give Dean a worried stare.
Dean just grinned, flashing fang, and carefully stuck his middle finger up his nose.
Sam sighed in relief. Yeah, Dean was still Dean.
“He’s…tame,” Sam explained, glaring at Dean out of the corner of his eye in a silent warning to behave. Dean just yanked the peanut bowl closer and starting stuffing his cheeks full of nuts, until they bulged outwards in the imitation of a chipmunk. “But he’s got no table manners.”
“Uh-huh,” the bartender agreed with obvious doubt. “So…you were asking about Patty’s friends? She usually hangs with Selma and Bridgit.” His eyes flicked nervously over to Dean once more. “You want their addresses? Got a pen? I could call you a cab, if you want….”
Huh, this was probably the quickest information-gathering foray they’d ever gone on. “Just the addresses will be fine.”
“Sure, sure,” the bartender muttered, scrawling something onto a napkin. “Uh, beer’s on the house. Have a nice day!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The woman who answered the door took one look at Dean and hollered over her shoulder, “Get your ass out here, Bridgit! Looks like Patty’s been at it again!” She gave Sam a sheepish smile. “She only knows how to do monkeys.”
“Chimpanzee,” Sam replied automatically, eyes wide.
She carelessly waved her hand. “Whatever.”
Dean refused to meet her eye, picking at the duct tape encircling his waist and whimpering under his breath.
“He doesn’t look too happy about that diaper,” she pointed out with a grin.
“I told him if he didn’t leave it on this time, whatever mess he made was going to be shoveled into the trunk and left there for a week. That seemed to get his attention.”
“That’s just…mean,” she said, looking impressed. She stuck out her hand and smiled flirtatiously. “Hi, I’m Selma.”
Sam hesitated before reaching out to grasp her hand in his. “Hi, I’m Sam, and this is Dean.”
Dean stuck out his lower lip and pouted up at her.
“You want to strip him before we make the change?” she asked, nodding at the diaper.
Sam thought about it for less than a second. “No, leave it on. Maybe he’ll learn his lesson this time.”
Dean flashed his teeth in warning.
“Unless you’d rather be naked in the middle of the street,” Sam pointed out.
Dean wagged his head.
Sam turned back to the woman and asked, “So, how long until it’s done?”
“Your ass is so dead when we get out of here!” Dean shouted from somewhere behind him. “You thought Nair in your shampoo was bad! Just you wait!”
Sam tuned just in time to see Dean’s pale legs diving into the car, his brother disappearing into the backseat.
“Already done.”
“Uh…thanks,” Sam said, hesitating on her doorstep. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be within Dean’s reach just yet.
“Would you like to stay for some tea?” she asked in invitation, her tone overly cheerful as she brushed her hair over her shoulder. “I’m sure Bridgit wouldn’t mind the company….”
“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea,” Sam began, taking a couple of steps towards the car, when Dean’s next bellow erupted from the backseat.
“God-dammit, Sam! This duct tape won’t come off!”
Sam stopped short and turned to her with a smile. “Do you have any cookies to go with that tea?”
Author: ZanneS
Genre: Humor/Gen/Crack
Rating: PG (mild bad language)
Characters: Sam and Dean
Summary: Dean gets into trouble with a woman, and Sam's going bananas dealing with the consequences.
Author's Notes: Thanks to
immortal_jedifor beta-ing! Since the series is covering the angst just fine on its own, this is yet another silly Dean Transformation!fic. I just can't leave the guy human. Kripke owns all.
Going Ape
Sam sighed ruefully, not even bothering to look at his brother sprawled in the passenger seat.
“How does this always happen to you?” Sam asked, his voice oddly flat. “It’s getting a little ridiculous.”
Dean just bared his teeth in a smile and bobbed his head, one long finger reaching into his ear before he pulled it back out to sniff whatever he’d found, tentatively licking at the tip.
“Get that out of your mouth,” Sam ordered, reaching over to yank Dean’s hand away from his face.
Dean chittered angrily in response, before slumping in his seat and staring out of the car window, his lower lip sticking out in a pronounced pout.
“You know what this means, right?” Sam asked, something like amusement coloring his tone. “You’ve got to stop sleeping with witches. You have some kind of perverse sixth sense when it comes to women you should stay away from.”
Sam reached over to tug on one of Dean’s large ears and winced when Dean’s long arm swatted him solidly on the chest.
“Ouch! Hey!” Sam sputtered, rubbing at the sore spot with a frown. “Quit sulking, Bubbles. We’re almost home.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“This ain’t a zoo,” the elderly manager stated once again. “Dogs, sure…if ya pay extra. But we don’t do monkeys.”
“Chimpanzee,” Sam corrected automatically, though he doubted the man would hear him, since he hadn’t listened the first hundred times he’d said it. He shifted Dean’s weight on his hip and Dean - the bastard - continued to pick at Sam’s hair, stuffing his fingers into his mouth as he groomed him.
“He’s not a pet. He’s a…service animal.”
The old man arched an incredulous eyebrow.
“Like a seeing eye dog,” Sam explained.
“You’re not blind,” the man said suspiciously, leaning to the side to stare out of the motel office window. “I saw ya drivin’ that car, so I know that much.”
Dean’s shriek nearly deafened Sam as he cackled in obvious amusement, bouncing up and down in Sam’s arms.
“I’ve got a…bum knee,” Sam said quickly, leaning to the left as if it couldn’t bear his full weight. “He fetches what I need so I don’t have to walk too much.”
“Looked fine earlier, when you was chasin’ after this critter ‘cross my property.”
Sam glared at Dean, who refused to meet his eyes, instead reaching out to snatch the pen off the motel ledger.
“Thank you…Bonzo,” Sam said with a forced smile, grabbing the pen and wrestling it out of Dean’s grip. “Just what I needed. I should add you to the register.”
Dean hooted in annoyance at losing his toy and tugged hard at Sam’s hair, wriggling out of his grip. He scooted across the floor towards the plastic plant in the corner, and curiously nibbled the leaves.
“He’s not very bright, is he?” the man pointed out with a grimace. “If he shits on the floor, I’m chargin’ you triple.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam looked down at his shoe, and pressed his lips together as he tried to calm down.
“Dean?”
No response.
“Dean! Get out here!”
The sheet ruffled under the bed, and Sam turned towards the noise.
“There’s no excuse for this! You’ve got opposable thumbs…use the damn toilet!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Yeah…I know!” Sam laughed into the phone, rustling around in the grocery bags and pulling out an overly ripe banana. “That’s exactly what I told him!”
Sam tossed it towards his brother, who was bouncing on the bed and rolling back and forth across the rumpled sheets, making low, happy noises as he did so. The banana rebounded off the pillow and landed by Dean’s head, where he picked it up and tore into it with his teeth, before peeling away the skin in strips and dropping them to the floor.
“You’re picking that up,” Sam told him, keeping the phone awkwardly trapped against his shoulder with his cheek as he tried to sort out his purchases. Pulling out a large box of diapers, he pointed from the box to Dean and back again. Dean flipped Sam the finger as he stuck his tongue out, mashed up banana oozing from his mouth.
“Nice. You remember that and how to masturbate, but you can’t seem to remember how to use the bathroom. Good skill set you’ve got there, Cheetah.”
Sam snorted as he refocused on his previous conversation. “No, I’m not talking to you, Bobby. I’m sure you manage that just fine.”
He paused, cocking his head to the side to listen to whatever it was Bobby was saying, and he quickly interrupted. “She said - no, make that shouted and threw a flowerpot - that Dean was no better than an animal, and she’d make sure everyone could see it.” Sam’s brows arched upwards. “He did his usual Dean thing, as far as I know…my guess is she took him seriously.”
Sam groaned and rubbed at his eyes one-handed as Bobby spoke. “I want to keep going back there as a last resort. I really don’t want that girl pissed at me. What if she turns me into a giraffe or something?”
He hmphed into the phone, sticking a straw into a juice box and walking over to hand it to Dean, who clumsily puckered his lips and tried to slurp up the straw, before finally managing to get it in his mouth. “I guess we could try that, but I have no idea where to look. Maybe I can try the bar where he found her.”
Sam clicked the phone shut with a decided slump to his shoulders, before turning to Dean, who loped over and crooned softly at him as he stroked Sam’s hair. “Bobby says we should look up her coven. One of them should be able to take off the spell, or tell us how to break it.”
Dean hooted happily and clapped his hands together, before grabbing his feet in both hands and rolling backwards on the carpet.
“Get back here, Baby Hughie,” Sam said, grabbing for the diapers. “There’s no avoiding the inevitable.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bar was just like their usual dive, and Sam was a bit surprised that this was the preferred hangout for the local coven. He had almost expected a tea shop with lace doilies, rather than a low end honky tonk with a bull ride machine in the back.
The bartender was less than enthused to answer his questions, but it may have been his discomfort with Dean’s proximity, rather than any hesitance to share what he knew.
“I’ll take a beer,” Sam said, and Dean screeched loudly and pounded the table. “Uh…one for my friend, too.” He noticed that the diaper he’d managed to somehow duct tape on Dean before leaving the hotel was already gone.
Bastard.
The bartender carefully shoved two bottles of beer in their direction, and Dean snatched his with a friendly waggle of his head, prying the lid off with his long canines and taking a long drink.
The man just inched further away from Dean. “You know they bite, right? There was that guy in California that got his nose clear torn off.”
Sam paused, remembering the story, and turned to give Dean a worried stare.
Dean just grinned, flashing fang, and carefully stuck his middle finger up his nose.
Sam sighed in relief. Yeah, Dean was still Dean.
“He’s…tame,” Sam explained, glaring at Dean out of the corner of his eye in a silent warning to behave. Dean just yanked the peanut bowl closer and starting stuffing his cheeks full of nuts, until they bulged outwards in the imitation of a chipmunk. “But he’s got no table manners.”
“Uh-huh,” the bartender agreed with obvious doubt. “So…you were asking about Patty’s friends? She usually hangs with Selma and Bridgit.” His eyes flicked nervously over to Dean once more. “You want their addresses? Got a pen? I could call you a cab, if you want….”
Huh, this was probably the quickest information-gathering foray they’d ever gone on. “Just the addresses will be fine.”
“Sure, sure,” the bartender muttered, scrawling something onto a napkin. “Uh, beer’s on the house. Have a nice day!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The woman who answered the door took one look at Dean and hollered over her shoulder, “Get your ass out here, Bridgit! Looks like Patty’s been at it again!” She gave Sam a sheepish smile. “She only knows how to do monkeys.”
“Chimpanzee,” Sam replied automatically, eyes wide.
She carelessly waved her hand. “Whatever.”
Dean refused to meet her eye, picking at the duct tape encircling his waist and whimpering under his breath.
“He doesn’t look too happy about that diaper,” she pointed out with a grin.
“I told him if he didn’t leave it on this time, whatever mess he made was going to be shoveled into the trunk and left there for a week. That seemed to get his attention.”
“That’s just…mean,” she said, looking impressed. She stuck out her hand and smiled flirtatiously. “Hi, I’m Selma.”
Sam hesitated before reaching out to grasp her hand in his. “Hi, I’m Sam, and this is Dean.”
Dean stuck out his lower lip and pouted up at her.
“You want to strip him before we make the change?” she asked, nodding at the diaper.
Sam thought about it for less than a second. “No, leave it on. Maybe he’ll learn his lesson this time.”
Dean flashed his teeth in warning.
“Unless you’d rather be naked in the middle of the street,” Sam pointed out.
Dean wagged his head.
Sam turned back to the woman and asked, “So, how long until it’s done?”
“Your ass is so dead when we get out of here!” Dean shouted from somewhere behind him. “You thought Nair in your shampoo was bad! Just you wait!”
Sam tuned just in time to see Dean’s pale legs diving into the car, his brother disappearing into the backseat.
“Already done.”
“Uh…thanks,” Sam said, hesitating on her doorstep. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be within Dean’s reach just yet.
“Would you like to stay for some tea?” she asked in invitation, her tone overly cheerful as she brushed her hair over her shoulder. “I’m sure Bridgit wouldn’t mind the company….”
“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea,” Sam began, taking a couple of steps towards the car, when Dean’s next bellow erupted from the backseat.
“God-dammit, Sam! This duct tape won’t come off!”
Sam stopped short and turned to her with a smile. “Do you have any cookies to go with that tea?”