Resolution - A Veronica Mars Fan Fic
A Veronica Mars FanFic
Title: Resolution
Author: Zaftig_darling
Pairing/Character: LoVe (heavy discussion of Logan/Madison, Veronica/Duncan, mention of Veronica/Piz)
Word Count: 3276
Rating:NC17
Summary: She has to know what happened in order to get past it
Spoilers: All three seasons
Warnings: Graphic discussion of sex
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of Veronica Mars. No copyright infringement is intended.
Beta'ed by the gracious and lovely
angst_driven . Orignally posted at
vm_betas .
Veronica stared at the clock. She’d been staring at it for the last 37 minutes, as it made its tortuously slow journey from 4:23 AM to 5:00 AM. It was a Saturday morning in July and she should be taking advantage of the weekend to sleep. But she’d been startled awake by a nightmare and a return to peaceful slumber eluded her.
The small dormitory for FBI interns was cramped and the accommodations were basic in the extreme. Each room held two twin beds, two metal desks, two uncomfortable chairs, and two miniscule closets. The community bathrooms at the end of the hall served all ten rooms on the floor. Veronica’s roommate, an obsessively organized girl who would be starting her junior year at the University of Michigan in the fall, had returned to her parents’ home in Delaware for the weekend, so Veronica found herself completely alone for the first time in almost 4 weeks, since she’d begun her Quantico internship.
She curled into the blankets, and tried to relax enough to sleep, but, the blankets and sheets provided her were scratchy and starchy. She missed the comfort of her own bed.
No, she missed the luxury of the sheets at the Grand, the sheets so soft they slid like silk over her skin. She missed the fluffy down comforter…
What she really missed, if she was being honest with herself, was the feel of Logan pressed against her back while she slept, his hand resting on her hip, keeping her close to him.
She missed him. He was twenty-six hundred miles away and she felt his absence with a piercing ache. She thought about the look they had exchanged across the cafeteria, after he had pummeled Gorya Sorokin. The look that made her want to grab his arm, drag him bodily back to his suite at the Grand, climb up his body and fuck him senseless.
Veronica closed her eyes and slid her right hand under the long t-shirt she wore as a nightgown. Her fingers snuck beneath the elastic of her blue-polka-dot panties and she began to stroke her middle finger against her center. Exhausted by the demands of the FBI and constantly in the company of Mina, her roommate, it had been weeks since she’d even thought about sex. But, she was all alone now, and -
she drew a breath in sharply and held it -
if she could…just…climax….
she exhaled, deeply -
she could fall into a deep, blissful sleep.
She arched her back a little bit as she imagined the feel of Logan’s breath against her thighs, imagined the slow swipe of Logan’s tongue, and…
And a horrifying vision of Madison’s face, contorted with pleasure beneath Logan appeared in her head and she pulled her hand away from herself in disgust.
She wished she could erase the thought of Madison and Logan from her mind, obliterate Madison from her imagination.
Frustrated, flinging off the bedclothes, she reached for her backpack resting on her desk and grabbed her cell phone.
She settled back into the bed, drawing the blankets around her. She ran her index finger over the number “2” again and again.
She told herself that Logan was still programmed into her speed-dial (after her father, before Wallace) because it was too troublesome to locate the instruction manual for the phone and figure out how program someone else into his spot. But truthfully, she wasn’t ready to let go. And she had deleted Piz from his number “7” spot when she was bored during the plane ride from San Diego to Washington D.C., without needing the instruction manual. (Piz had broken it off with her the evening after the scene in the cafeteria, when he quietly told her that he didn’t think they were right for each other. She had not been particularly surprised, and she did not cry.)
She briefly considered that it was two o’clock in the morning in Neptune before she jabbed her finger at the offending number “2” and waited for the phone to ring.
Once, twice, three times it rang before his sleepy voice came over the line.
“Veronica?”
For a moment she considered hanging up.
“How many times did you sleep with Madison?” she blurted out, before stopping to think that this was not the best way to begin a middle-of-the-night, first-conversation-in-five-weeks phone call.
“What the hell?” he said, incredulously. “You wake me up because you want to argue about Madison again? You BROKE UP WITH ME, Veronica. That means you forfeit your right to bitch at me in the middle of the night.”
She was quiet for a moment as she waited for him to hang up angrily. But he didn’t break the connection.
“I,” she began, and then stopped. Her breath hitched in her throat and she was afraid the tears would come. She didn’t want him to hear her cry.
“You what?” he said, a surprisingly gentle tone to his voice.
“I miss you,” she whispered. She immediately regretted it. She felt weak and stupid. Tears were leaking from her eyes and she wiped them away.
“Just. Forget it. Forget I called.”
She pulled the phone away, her finger hovering over “END” when she heard him say, “I miss you too, Veronica.”
She put the phone back to her ear as he continued, “I miss you like I’m missing a limb. Or a lung or something. But, I can’t un-do what happened during a drunken weekend in Aspen, V, I can’t. I want to, I wish it never happened, but, I can’t make it not true.”
She was crying now. She hated that her voice shook as she said, “I miss you Logan, and I want to get over it - I want to get over being mad about Madison.”
She took a deep breath. “I want to get over it and past it, and I thought…
maybe…
if I knew what happened between the two of you, if I knew the truth, than maybe I would stop thinking about all the things I THINK might have happened…”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Veronica," he said.
She was silent.
What if it just makes it worse?” he asked.
“How many,” Veronica started, “how many other girls have you been with?”
“Veronica,” he sighed sleepily, “how is this going to help? If I answer these questions you have, how is that going to lead to anywhere other than you being even more angry?”
“So, lots and lots of girls, then?” she spat.
“Since you broke up with me?” he sighed wearily. “Since you broke up with me, I was with Parker, no one else. And I wasn’t ‘with’ Parker, I mean,” he paused, and then clarified, “I mean, after what happened to her, Parker wasn’t ready to have sex with me, with anyone. We fooled around, but, we didn’t…” he stopped.
“You haven’t had any sex since the last time we - ,” she broke off. “You haven’t had any sex in six months? And that was fine with you? You didn’t need a little something on the side?” She sounded disbelieving and crueler than she had intended.
“I just told you Parker wasn’t ready,” he snapped. “I may be an asshole about many things, Veronica, but, I’ve NEVER cheated on anyone I was with. AND I’ve NEVER pushed anyone to have sex with me before they were ready -- YOU of all people should know that. It kills me that you think so little of me. And it’s not like Parker left me high and dry, she…”
“I don’t want to know!” Veronica interrupted him before he could finish.
“But you want to know about Madison?” he barked. “How does that make ANY sense?”
“Because I KNEW you were with Parker. You both ASKED me if it was okay for you and Parker to go out. Because I don’t hate Parker. Because Parker wasn’t responsible for the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Her voice cracked on the last, and she was crying openly.
“Veronica,” Logan began hesitantly. “Cassidy Casablancas was responsible for the worst thing that ever happened to you. I am responsible for the worst thing that ever happened to you. I’m the one who brought the liquid X to the party. I am the person who did that. How can you forgive me for that, but not for what happened in Aspen when we weren’t even together?”
“You had to know how much that would hurt me. You had to have known that,” she choked into the phone.
“It wasn’t like that, Veronica,” he said forcefully.
“Well, what WAS it LIKE? I need to know, Logan. I need to know what happened between you, because right now, all I can think of is you kissing her the way you kissed me, making love to her the way you --- and I can’t get past it. I can’t get over it.”
Logan drew in a long breath. “All right, Veronica, go ahead, ask me what you need to ask. I’ll answer. But, I get to ask some questions, too.”
“Fine,” she snapped. “How many times did you sleep with Madison?”
“I think what you really want to ask me is ‘how many times did I fuck Madison?’ And the answer is ‘twice’. Two times.”
“How did it start?” she quietly demanded.
“I was in the hotel bar. I was lonely, and sad, and I was…” he stopped for a few seconds.
“What?” she demanded.
“It was Christmas and I was…fuck. I was missing my MOM, okay? I wanted my mother. How pathetic is that? I wanted to feel like I still had a family.”
His voice was shaky and Veronica thought he might be crying a little.
“It’s okay, Logan, it’s okay that you wanted your mom at Christmas.” She suddenly felt a tremendous feeling of tenderness for him.
“So, I was sitting in the bar, I had had, well, a lot to drink. Drowning my sorrows in mommy’s favorite vodka. And I was missing you, to be honest, I was missing you and thinking it was hopeless because I could never be the person you wanted me to be. And that I wanted you to just let me be who I am and love me anyway. I wanted you to want to be my --- I wanted you to want to be my family. And I knew it was hopeless, ‘cause that wasn’t what you wanted.”
“So what happened?” she pushed gently, purposefully ignoring the implied question (landmine) of what she really wanted from Logan.
“Madison came in and sat next to me at the bar. She was drunk. I said, ‘Fancy meeting you here’ and I asked her what she was doing in Aspen the day after Christmas..."
"She told me something strange about having a fight with her family and getting some terrible news and needing to 'take a break' and 'figure some things out'. So, I clinked my glass against hers and said ‘Here's to dysfunctional families’ and that's when she leaned into my ear and she asked, ‘Did Dick ever tell you that I give the best head?’”
A blaze of white hot rage shot through Veronica’s skull and she gripped the phone fiercely.
“So, I leaned back and said, ‘As a matter of fact, Madi, Dick says you give mediocre head.’ Which isn’t true, actually, Dick’s never commented either way, but I was in the mood to be a jackass.”
“So, she grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the elevator. She said she was going to ‘make Dick eat his words’. And I asked if she didn’t mean she wanted to make Dick eat something else. And she laughed like a maniac and opened the door to her hotel suite, and yanked me inside. She pushed me onto the couch, where she proceeded to give me what was, in fact, a mediocre blow job.”
Veronica hissed audibly. “But it was better than any blow job I ever gave you,” she accused him, irrationally.
“Is that was this is about, Veronica? You’re upset because you think I had better sex with Madison than I had with you? That’s fucking absurd.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” Veronica sneered.
“Because it doesn’t merit answering, but, for Christ’s sake, no! It was not anywhere near as good as the most inexperienced blow job you ever gave me.”
“Oh, so my blow jobs were lousy, inexperienced blow jobs, and Madison’s were even worse? I guess we can’t all have Kendall’s technique,” she spat, furious again.
“I knew this was a bad idea. You say you want honesty from me, but, it just makes you angry.”
“So I give lousy head,” she insisted irrationally.
“I think it’s my turn to ask a question now,” he snarled.
“Fine. Ask away.”
“Had you ever given anyone a blow job before me?”
“No,” she said petulantly.
“So, by definition, you were inexperienced in the art of blow jobs, then, the first time?”
“Yes, but…”
“If you recall, Veronica, the first time you did that for me, I told you it was incredible. It was incredible every time with you, Veronica, because it was YOU. Because I love you.”
“Did Madison make you come?”
“Jesus, Veronica.”
“If she gave such mediocre head, did she make you come?”
Veronica knew she was being unreasonable. But she was powerless over her own insecurities.
“I’m a 19-year-old heterosexual male, Veronica, who hasn’t gotten any in a while. It wasn’t that hard. No pun intended,” he smirked.
“You said you fucked her twice,” Veronica said. “And all you’ve mentioned is the mediocre head.”
“No, I get another question,” Logan insisted.
“Ask away, then.”
“Did you come the first time you had sex with Duncan?”
“How the hell would I know?” she snapped.
“I’m not talking about that,” he said quickly. “I’m not talking about…what happened to you at Shelley’s party. I’m asking you, did you come the first time you had sex with Duncan, the first time you remember. The night I, um, saw you in the hallway at the Grand.”
She was embarrassed to answer him, but, finally whispered, “No.”
“Why?”
She thought for a second and said, “It hurt. I was surprised how much it hurt, I thought it wouldn’t, since we’d already... but it did. And we were both nervous, and it just didn’t happen.”
“Did you fake it?”
“Not that time. I mean, he tried to make it good, but he knew it was hurting me. I don’t think he expected the earth to move for me, the first time.”
“So, you faked it the second time?”
“More like the tenth time…” she sighed.
“Clarification, please?”
“Honestly, Logan, I never had an orgasm with Duncan. And after so many times, I just, I faked it. I’m sure it was an Oscar worthy performance.”
“Were you faking it with me?” he pushed, a hard edge to his voice.
“No, Logan,” she said gently, “I never faked it with you. Not once.”
“I don’t ever want you to fake it with me, Veronica. Not ever.”
For a minute they just listened to the other breathe.
“Tell me what happened next with Madison.”
“After she…after what happened on the couch, she got up and went into the bathroom. I made myself another drink. When she came out she was wearing this ridiculous black and red merry widow get-up. She was carrying a riding crop. She told me - god this was weird - she told me I should call her 'Sindy-with-an-S'. It was a little scary, to be honest."
"She bent over the back of the couch, next to where I was sitting, and slapped the couch with the riding crop and asked if I wanted to ‘take Sindy for a ride.’ And I was drunk and stupid and I got up from the couch, threw the riding the crop across the suite because it was hellaciously creepy, and I walked behind her - and I, well, you know. I fucked her. And then I passed out on the couch. And now I get another question.”
Veronica shuddered at the vision of Madison armed with a riding crop, and felt her whole body tense as Logan told her what had happened.
“Go ahead,” she said, trying to keep from sounding as cold as she was feeling.
“Did you have sex with Piz?”
“Piz and I aren’t together anymore.”
“So Mac tells me. But did you, before you broke up?” he insisted.
“I wasn’t lying to you - I told you I hadn’t had sex with Piz, and I didn’t have sex with him after that either. Finish your story.”
He took a deep breath and began, “When I woke up, she was asleep on the bed. My face was stuck to the couch and I wanted a shower. I was still a little drunk; I thought it would sober me up. I should have gone back to my own room, but it was on the other side of the hotel so it seemed really far away. I got into her shower, and a few minutes later she opened the shower door and got in with me. She told me she had to be at the airport in two hours to catch her flight home. She rubbed my shoulders...and then she got in front of me and asked me to ‘do her back’ - and she handed me some shower gel that smelled exactly like this perfume that Lilly used to wear sometimes - and it made me…um,” he paused, and cleared his throat.
“She smelled like Lilly and her hair, the way she had it that day, it was the same color…” he stopped again. “She smelled like Lilly, and I couldn’t see her face and I was still mostly drunk. I washed her back, and then I pushed her against the tile and, I fuck, Veronica, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I called her ‘Lilly’ and I fucked her against the shower wall. And then I got out of the shower and put my clothes on and told her to have a nice flight and I high-tailed it to my room where I got drunk again. I wasn’t lying when I said that it makes me ill just thinking about it.”
“Why did you lie about it at all? When I asked about it, that night when I asked if you’d been with anyone while we were broken up?”
“I didn’t lie, Veronica. Everything I said was true - that I fooled around with someone who meant less than nothing to me, that I was with a horrible girl. I was afraid I would lose you if I told you it was Madison. But, it wasn’t a lie. And I didn’t do it to hurt you. She was there, I was lonely, I wanted my mom, I wanted you, and I was weak and stupid and I wish I could make it go away.”
Veronica was so quiet that Logan wondered if she had hung up on him.
“Are you still there?” he murmured. He was very tired and emotionally drained. He was sure she was lost to him forever and he just wanted to go to sleep and forget.
“In my nightmares you’ve been having the best sex of your life with her. In dozens of exotic positions.”
She couldn’t decide if she was angry or relieved to finally know what really happened. She wondered if her dreams would be haunted by the sad vision of Logan in the shower with Madison, calling her ‘Lilly’, but decided she probably wouldn’t be.
“Veronica,” he said softly, “the best sex of my life was with you.”
“You don’t mean that,” she muttered.
“I do mean it. I mean it more than I think you can possibly understand. You and I, together, the sex was - it was so much more than sex, Veronica. It was like coming home, like I’d found something I never knew I was missing, but, once I’d found it, I couldn’t bear the thought of being without it. I miss you so bad, Veronica.”
It occurred to her that she was very, very tired of being without him.
“Logan?”
“Yes?”
“I’m coming home, two weeks from tomorrow. Do you think -“
“Do I think what?”
“Do you think you could be at the airport to pick me up?”
“Absolutely.”
THE END
Title: Resolution
Author: Zaftig_darling
Pairing/Character: LoVe (heavy discussion of Logan/Madison, Veronica/Duncan, mention of Veronica/Piz)
Word Count: 3276
Rating:NC17
Summary: She has to know what happened in order to get past it
Spoilers: All three seasons
Warnings: Graphic discussion of sex
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of Veronica Mars. No copyright infringement is intended.
Beta'ed by the gracious and lovely
angst_driven . Orignally posted at
vm_betas .
Veronica stared at the clock. She’d been staring at it for the last 37 minutes, as it made its tortuously slow journey from 4:23 AM to 5:00 AM. It was a Saturday morning in July and she should be taking advantage of the weekend to sleep. But she’d been startled awake by a nightmare and a return to peaceful slumber eluded her.
The small dormitory for FBI interns was cramped and the accommodations were basic in the extreme. Each room held two twin beds, two metal desks, two uncomfortable chairs, and two miniscule closets. The community bathrooms at the end of the hall served all ten rooms on the floor. Veronica’s roommate, an obsessively organized girl who would be starting her junior year at the University of Michigan in the fall, had returned to her parents’ home in Delaware for the weekend, so Veronica found herself completely alone for the first time in almost 4 weeks, since she’d begun her Quantico internship.
She curled into the blankets, and tried to relax enough to sleep, but, the blankets and sheets provided her were scratchy and starchy. She missed the comfort of her own bed.
No, she missed the luxury of the sheets at the Grand, the sheets so soft they slid like silk over her skin. She missed the fluffy down comforter…
What she really missed, if she was being honest with herself, was the feel of Logan pressed against her back while she slept, his hand resting on her hip, keeping her close to him.
She missed him. He was twenty-six hundred miles away and she felt his absence with a piercing ache. She thought about the look they had exchanged across the cafeteria, after he had pummeled Gorya Sorokin. The look that made her want to grab his arm, drag him bodily back to his suite at the Grand, climb up his body and fuck him senseless.
Veronica closed her eyes and slid her right hand under the long t-shirt she wore as a nightgown. Her fingers snuck beneath the elastic of her blue-polka-dot panties and she began to stroke her middle finger against her center. Exhausted by the demands of the FBI and constantly in the company of Mina, her roommate, it had been weeks since she’d even thought about sex. But, she was all alone now, and -
she drew a breath in sharply and held it -
if she could…just…climax….
she exhaled, deeply -
she could fall into a deep, blissful sleep.
She arched her back a little bit as she imagined the feel of Logan’s breath against her thighs, imagined the slow swipe of Logan’s tongue, and…
And a horrifying vision of Madison’s face, contorted with pleasure beneath Logan appeared in her head and she pulled her hand away from herself in disgust.
She wished she could erase the thought of Madison and Logan from her mind, obliterate Madison from her imagination.
Frustrated, flinging off the bedclothes, she reached for her backpack resting on her desk and grabbed her cell phone.
She settled back into the bed, drawing the blankets around her. She ran her index finger over the number “2” again and again.
She told herself that Logan was still programmed into her speed-dial (after her father, before Wallace) because it was too troublesome to locate the instruction manual for the phone and figure out how program someone else into his spot. But truthfully, she wasn’t ready to let go. And she had deleted Piz from his number “7” spot when she was bored during the plane ride from San Diego to Washington D.C., without needing the instruction manual. (Piz had broken it off with her the evening after the scene in the cafeteria, when he quietly told her that he didn’t think they were right for each other. She had not been particularly surprised, and she did not cry.)
She briefly considered that it was two o’clock in the morning in Neptune before she jabbed her finger at the offending number “2” and waited for the phone to ring.
Once, twice, three times it rang before his sleepy voice came over the line.
“Veronica?”
For a moment she considered hanging up.
“How many times did you sleep with Madison?” she blurted out, before stopping to think that this was not the best way to begin a middle-of-the-night, first-conversation-in-five-weeks phone call.
“What the hell?” he said, incredulously. “You wake me up because you want to argue about Madison again? You BROKE UP WITH ME, Veronica. That means you forfeit your right to bitch at me in the middle of the night.”
She was quiet for a moment as she waited for him to hang up angrily. But he didn’t break the connection.
“I,” she began, and then stopped. Her breath hitched in her throat and she was afraid the tears would come. She didn’t want him to hear her cry.
“You what?” he said, a surprisingly gentle tone to his voice.
“I miss you,” she whispered. She immediately regretted it. She felt weak and stupid. Tears were leaking from her eyes and she wiped them away.
“Just. Forget it. Forget I called.”
She pulled the phone away, her finger hovering over “END” when she heard him say, “I miss you too, Veronica.”
She put the phone back to her ear as he continued, “I miss you like I’m missing a limb. Or a lung or something. But, I can’t un-do what happened during a drunken weekend in Aspen, V, I can’t. I want to, I wish it never happened, but, I can’t make it not true.”
She was crying now. She hated that her voice shook as she said, “I miss you Logan, and I want to get over it - I want to get over being mad about Madison.”
She took a deep breath. “I want to get over it and past it, and I thought…
maybe…
if I knew what happened between the two of you, if I knew the truth, than maybe I would stop thinking about all the things I THINK might have happened…”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Veronica," he said.
She was silent.
What if it just makes it worse?” he asked.
“How many,” Veronica started, “how many other girls have you been with?”
“Veronica,” he sighed sleepily, “how is this going to help? If I answer these questions you have, how is that going to lead to anywhere other than you being even more angry?”
“So, lots and lots of girls, then?” she spat.
“Since you broke up with me?” he sighed wearily. “Since you broke up with me, I was with Parker, no one else. And I wasn’t ‘with’ Parker, I mean,” he paused, and then clarified, “I mean, after what happened to her, Parker wasn’t ready to have sex with me, with anyone. We fooled around, but, we didn’t…” he stopped.
“You haven’t had any sex since the last time we - ,” she broke off. “You haven’t had any sex in six months? And that was fine with you? You didn’t need a little something on the side?” She sounded disbelieving and crueler than she had intended.
“I just told you Parker wasn’t ready,” he snapped. “I may be an asshole about many things, Veronica, but, I’ve NEVER cheated on anyone I was with. AND I’ve NEVER pushed anyone to have sex with me before they were ready -- YOU of all people should know that. It kills me that you think so little of me. And it’s not like Parker left me high and dry, she…”
“I don’t want to know!” Veronica interrupted him before he could finish.
“But you want to know about Madison?” he barked. “How does that make ANY sense?”
“Because I KNEW you were with Parker. You both ASKED me if it was okay for you and Parker to go out. Because I don’t hate Parker. Because Parker wasn’t responsible for the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Her voice cracked on the last, and she was crying openly.
“Veronica,” Logan began hesitantly. “Cassidy Casablancas was responsible for the worst thing that ever happened to you. I am responsible for the worst thing that ever happened to you. I’m the one who brought the liquid X to the party. I am the person who did that. How can you forgive me for that, but not for what happened in Aspen when we weren’t even together?”
“You had to know how much that would hurt me. You had to have known that,” she choked into the phone.
“It wasn’t like that, Veronica,” he said forcefully.
“Well, what WAS it LIKE? I need to know, Logan. I need to know what happened between you, because right now, all I can think of is you kissing her the way you kissed me, making love to her the way you --- and I can’t get past it. I can’t get over it.”
Logan drew in a long breath. “All right, Veronica, go ahead, ask me what you need to ask. I’ll answer. But, I get to ask some questions, too.”
“Fine,” she snapped. “How many times did you sleep with Madison?”
“I think what you really want to ask me is ‘how many times did I fuck Madison?’ And the answer is ‘twice’. Two times.”
“How did it start?” she quietly demanded.
“I was in the hotel bar. I was lonely, and sad, and I was…” he stopped for a few seconds.
“What?” she demanded.
“It was Christmas and I was…fuck. I was missing my MOM, okay? I wanted my mother. How pathetic is that? I wanted to feel like I still had a family.”
His voice was shaky and Veronica thought he might be crying a little.
“It’s okay, Logan, it’s okay that you wanted your mom at Christmas.” She suddenly felt a tremendous feeling of tenderness for him.
“So, I was sitting in the bar, I had had, well, a lot to drink. Drowning my sorrows in mommy’s favorite vodka. And I was missing you, to be honest, I was missing you and thinking it was hopeless because I could never be the person you wanted me to be. And that I wanted you to just let me be who I am and love me anyway. I wanted you to want to be my --- I wanted you to want to be my family. And I knew it was hopeless, ‘cause that wasn’t what you wanted.”
“So what happened?” she pushed gently, purposefully ignoring the implied question (landmine) of what she really wanted from Logan.
“Madison came in and sat next to me at the bar. She was drunk. I said, ‘Fancy meeting you here’ and I asked her what she was doing in Aspen the day after Christmas..."
"She told me something strange about having a fight with her family and getting some terrible news and needing to 'take a break' and 'figure some things out'. So, I clinked my glass against hers and said ‘Here's to dysfunctional families’ and that's when she leaned into my ear and she asked, ‘Did Dick ever tell you that I give the best head?’”
A blaze of white hot rage shot through Veronica’s skull and she gripped the phone fiercely.
“So, I leaned back and said, ‘As a matter of fact, Madi, Dick says you give mediocre head.’ Which isn’t true, actually, Dick’s never commented either way, but I was in the mood to be a jackass.”
“So, she grabbed my arm and pulled me toward the elevator. She said she was going to ‘make Dick eat his words’. And I asked if she didn’t mean she wanted to make Dick eat something else. And she laughed like a maniac and opened the door to her hotel suite, and yanked me inside. She pushed me onto the couch, where she proceeded to give me what was, in fact, a mediocre blow job.”
Veronica hissed audibly. “But it was better than any blow job I ever gave you,” she accused him, irrationally.
“Is that was this is about, Veronica? You’re upset because you think I had better sex with Madison than I had with you? That’s fucking absurd.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” Veronica sneered.
“Because it doesn’t merit answering, but, for Christ’s sake, no! It was not anywhere near as good as the most inexperienced blow job you ever gave me.”
“Oh, so my blow jobs were lousy, inexperienced blow jobs, and Madison’s were even worse? I guess we can’t all have Kendall’s technique,” she spat, furious again.
“I knew this was a bad idea. You say you want honesty from me, but, it just makes you angry.”
“So I give lousy head,” she insisted irrationally.
“I think it’s my turn to ask a question now,” he snarled.
“Fine. Ask away.”
“Had you ever given anyone a blow job before me?”
“No,” she said petulantly.
“So, by definition, you were inexperienced in the art of blow jobs, then, the first time?”
“Yes, but…”
“If you recall, Veronica, the first time you did that for me, I told you it was incredible. It was incredible every time with you, Veronica, because it was YOU. Because I love you.”
“Did Madison make you come?”
“Jesus, Veronica.”
“If she gave such mediocre head, did she make you come?”
Veronica knew she was being unreasonable. But she was powerless over her own insecurities.
“I’m a 19-year-old heterosexual male, Veronica, who hasn’t gotten any in a while. It wasn’t that hard. No pun intended,” he smirked.
“You said you fucked her twice,” Veronica said. “And all you’ve mentioned is the mediocre head.”
“No, I get another question,” Logan insisted.
“Ask away, then.”
“Did you come the first time you had sex with Duncan?”
“How the hell would I know?” she snapped.
“I’m not talking about that,” he said quickly. “I’m not talking about…what happened to you at Shelley’s party. I’m asking you, did you come the first time you had sex with Duncan, the first time you remember. The night I, um, saw you in the hallway at the Grand.”
She was embarrassed to answer him, but, finally whispered, “No.”
“Why?”
She thought for a second and said, “It hurt. I was surprised how much it hurt, I thought it wouldn’t, since we’d already... but it did. And we were both nervous, and it just didn’t happen.”
“Did you fake it?”
“Not that time. I mean, he tried to make it good, but he knew it was hurting me. I don’t think he expected the earth to move for me, the first time.”
“So, you faked it the second time?”
“More like the tenth time…” she sighed.
“Clarification, please?”
“Honestly, Logan, I never had an orgasm with Duncan. And after so many times, I just, I faked it. I’m sure it was an Oscar worthy performance.”
“Were you faking it with me?” he pushed, a hard edge to his voice.
“No, Logan,” she said gently, “I never faked it with you. Not once.”
“I don’t ever want you to fake it with me, Veronica. Not ever.”
For a minute they just listened to the other breathe.
“Tell me what happened next with Madison.”
“After she…after what happened on the couch, she got up and went into the bathroom. I made myself another drink. When she came out she was wearing this ridiculous black and red merry widow get-up. She was carrying a riding crop. She told me - god this was weird - she told me I should call her 'Sindy-with-an-S'. It was a little scary, to be honest."
"She bent over the back of the couch, next to where I was sitting, and slapped the couch with the riding crop and asked if I wanted to ‘take Sindy for a ride.’ And I was drunk and stupid and I got up from the couch, threw the riding the crop across the suite because it was hellaciously creepy, and I walked behind her - and I, well, you know. I fucked her. And then I passed out on the couch. And now I get another question.”
Veronica shuddered at the vision of Madison armed with a riding crop, and felt her whole body tense as Logan told her what had happened.
“Go ahead,” she said, trying to keep from sounding as cold as she was feeling.
“Did you have sex with Piz?”
“Piz and I aren’t together anymore.”
“So Mac tells me. But did you, before you broke up?” he insisted.
“I wasn’t lying to you - I told you I hadn’t had sex with Piz, and I didn’t have sex with him after that either. Finish your story.”
He took a deep breath and began, “When I woke up, she was asleep on the bed. My face was stuck to the couch and I wanted a shower. I was still a little drunk; I thought it would sober me up. I should have gone back to my own room, but it was on the other side of the hotel so it seemed really far away. I got into her shower, and a few minutes later she opened the shower door and got in with me. She told me she had to be at the airport in two hours to catch her flight home. She rubbed my shoulders...and then she got in front of me and asked me to ‘do her back’ - and she handed me some shower gel that smelled exactly like this perfume that Lilly used to wear sometimes - and it made me…um,” he paused, and cleared his throat.
“She smelled like Lilly and her hair, the way she had it that day, it was the same color…” he stopped again. “She smelled like Lilly, and I couldn’t see her face and I was still mostly drunk. I washed her back, and then I pushed her against the tile and, I fuck, Veronica, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I called her ‘Lilly’ and I fucked her against the shower wall. And then I got out of the shower and put my clothes on and told her to have a nice flight and I high-tailed it to my room where I got drunk again. I wasn’t lying when I said that it makes me ill just thinking about it.”
“Why did you lie about it at all? When I asked about it, that night when I asked if you’d been with anyone while we were broken up?”
“I didn’t lie, Veronica. Everything I said was true - that I fooled around with someone who meant less than nothing to me, that I was with a horrible girl. I was afraid I would lose you if I told you it was Madison. But, it wasn’t a lie. And I didn’t do it to hurt you. She was there, I was lonely, I wanted my mom, I wanted you, and I was weak and stupid and I wish I could make it go away.”
Veronica was so quiet that Logan wondered if she had hung up on him.
“Are you still there?” he murmured. He was very tired and emotionally drained. He was sure she was lost to him forever and he just wanted to go to sleep and forget.
“In my nightmares you’ve been having the best sex of your life with her. In dozens of exotic positions.”
She couldn’t decide if she was angry or relieved to finally know what really happened. She wondered if her dreams would be haunted by the sad vision of Logan in the shower with Madison, calling her ‘Lilly’, but decided she probably wouldn’t be.
“Veronica,” he said softly, “the best sex of my life was with you.”
“You don’t mean that,” she muttered.
“I do mean it. I mean it more than I think you can possibly understand. You and I, together, the sex was - it was so much more than sex, Veronica. It was like coming home, like I’d found something I never knew I was missing, but, once I’d found it, I couldn’t bear the thought of being without it. I miss you so bad, Veronica.”
It occurred to her that she was very, very tired of being without him.
“Logan?”
“Yes?”
“I’m coming home, two weeks from tomorrow. Do you think -“
“Do I think what?”
“Do you think you could be at the airport to pick me up?”
“Absolutely.”
THE END