sj oh the devil is a friend of mine
Okay, so darleenk wrote the bestest thing ever, a Siwon/God OTP over at tigerhobbes' journal, so amazing orz. That, and that one performance of Marry U where Siwon looked like he wanted to cut a bitch, and a line from Community (why do you hate me and jesus?)inspired this crapfest, which I admit sucks, but it's too early/late to fix it. Don't read if you are deeply religious, or really even a little religious, I AM NOT KIDDING.
title: oh the devil is a friend of mine
pairing/rating: hankyung/heechul, (siwon/god) strong pg13
summary: heechul tries to inspire a crisis of faith. Crack.
The first time Siwon walks in on Hankyung and Heechul he’s too busy gaping and blushing and bowing and trying to think of a new best friend that will hangout in heaven with him to stop and really think about why they’d picked his dressing room for a hot and heavy make-out session.
The second time it happens, it’s in Siwon’s hotel room, but he shares it with Hankyung, so he doesn’t really become suspicious then, either.
The third time, he steps out of the shower, reaching for a towel, to find Hankyung slouched on the closed toilet seat, pants around his ankles and one arm thrown over his eyes, head tipped back against the wall and breathing harshly, one hand in Heechul’s hair.
Siwon shrieks like a banshee, feet flying out from under him as he banana-peels backwards into the tub, clutching the towel to his chest. Hankyung’s eyes snap open, and he shoves Heechul away as he tumbles sideways onto the floor, yelping. Heechul arches an eyebrow at the both of them, sitting back on his heels and wiping calmly at his mouth.
“Hyung,” Siwon splutters, flailing his arms around, eyebrows out of control, “hyung!”
“Heechul!” Hankyung screeches, “you said you started the shower, you-”
“I did,” Heechul says indignantly, standing up and propping his hip on the sink, “it’s not nice to steal someone else’s shower, Siwonnie.” Hankyung stares at him, then swings around to face Siwon, eyes hazy with residual lust, one hand holding up his jeans, still unbuttoned and unzipped, expectant.
Siwon would protest, and tell the truth, but Heechul has chosen this moment to casually reach out and pick up Siwon’s toothbrush, and Siwon can only watch in horror as he begins to brush his teeth, grinning wickedly around previously pure bristles. Hankyung takes his silence as a confession, and glares as he shoves Siwon out of the bathroom, muttering under his breath in Chinese about taking shower competitions too far.
But what really breaks the camel’s back is the fourth time, when he walks into the living room of his own apartment to find Heechul bent over his sofa, and as his keys from suddenly nerveless fingers, the only thought that springs to his mind is that Hankyung’s hips apparently can move faster than they did in Don’t Don. Hankyung’s eyes are closed, forehead resting on Heechul’s spine, but Heechul shoots him a wink and a lewd grin, before Hankyung’s next thrust rocks the sofa and his eyes roll back into his head.
Siwon’s leaning against the wall, arms crossed and his sulk face on, when they leave his apartment, giggling and groping, stealing lazy post-coital kisses. Hankyung has the grace to look guilty, and starts to mumble a greeting as Siwon shoves past them coldly, slamming the door before staring in dismay at his furniture.
He’s waiting backstage, shifting anxiously in his outfit, when Eeteuk comes up to him, looking his usual pre-performance harried. “You’re needed in the dressing room,” he says quickly, fussing with Siwon’s buttons, “something about an apology? Have you had a fight with Heechul and Hankyung?” Siwon bats at his hands, mumbling, and wriggles out of Eeteuk’s grip.
“Really?” he asks hopefully, because it’s only been a day and he already misses them. Being upset with people makes him anxious, it’s just not Christian to carry anger in his heart. Eeteuk shrugs, then flutters off to chase Donghae, who’s running around stagehands with Yesung’s vest, cackling.
Siwon opens the door to the dressing room, eager for conciliatory hugs, and stops dead. Heechul is straddling Hankyung in a make-up chair, tongue where Hankyung’s tie should be, grinding slowly. Hankyung has both feet planted on the ground so can push up hard, one hand pulling Heechul’s hair aside so he can suck at Heechul’s neck.
“I,” says Siwon declaratively, “hate you both.”
He frowns throughout the entire song, barely able to look sweet and sunny during his few solo lines. He doesn’t even feel bad when he sees Heechul coughing afterwards, rubbing at his throat with a grimace as Hankyung hovers. He only slides cough drops into Heechul’s bag because he doesn’t want Eeteuk to worry, and because if Heechul’s cough develops any further, it could go on Siwon’s record. He wants a clean sheet when he meets St. Peter, after all.
Hankyung finds him after two days of frosty silence, looking sad and neglected, and blames it all on Heechul. “I can’t reject him,” he hisses, hands on Siwon’s lapels, looking desperate “his tongue is the devil, Siwon, the devil.” Siwon decides that Hankyung is his best friend, and he should try and help him with his troubles. Also, if he can turn Hankyung and Heechul straight, then they can go to heaven together, the three of them, like Siwon has always wanted.
He corners Heechul alone one day, and sits him down to de-gay him. “Hyung,” he says seriously, “I’m so sorry for ignoring you. I know now that all the times you purposefully had me see you and Hankyung-hyung indulging in abomination was a cry for help.”
“Actually,” says Heechul, “I was just trying to fuck with you.” Siwon waves a hand magnanimously.
“You can’t fool me, hyung, I know all the signs. You want to be welcomed into the heart of God.” Heechul closes his laptop and turns to face Siwon, utter disbelief all over his face.
“Are you on drugs?” he asks, leaning closer to check Siwon’s pupils. Siwon pulls out one of his extra Bibles.
“If you welcome Him into your heart,” he says seriously, “you won’t need to have sex. His love will be enough.” Heechul gives him his full attention, considering carefully for a moment.
“Okay,” he says, taking the Bible out of Siwon’s hands, “what I really think we need to talk about here is your crush on Jesus.” Siwon blinks at him.
“I don’t have a crush on Jesus,” he says, slight derision evident in his tone, “he was the son of God and he had doubts.” He scoffs lightly. Heechul stares.
“Siwon,” he says carefully, “who do you think about late at night?” Siwon beams at him.
“God.” Heechul nods.
“And who do you think about in the shower?” Siwon bounces a little, excited.
“God.” Heechul smiles then, a slow, wide smirk that sends shivers down Siwon’s spine, though he can’t quite figure out why.
“Siwon,” he says, still grinning, “are you a virgin?” Siwon shifts a little, awkward, but he’s not ashamed.
“Yes, hyung, I’m saving myself for-”
“God?” Heechul interrupts, and Siwon nods a little, not really sure what’s going on. Heechul looks more excited than he did when he got the company green light to dance like Ivy.
“Okay, Siwonnie,” he says cheerfully, “no worries. I can definitely teach you how to seduce the Big Guy.”
And Siwon finds out that Hankyung was right, you really can’t say no to Heechul.
title: oh the devil is a friend of mine
pairing/rating: hankyung/heechul, (siwon/god) strong pg13
summary: heechul tries to inspire a crisis of faith. Crack.
The first time Siwon walks in on Hankyung and Heechul he’s too busy gaping and blushing and bowing and trying to think of a new best friend that will hangout in heaven with him to stop and really think about why they’d picked his dressing room for a hot and heavy make-out session.
The second time it happens, it’s in Siwon’s hotel room, but he shares it with Hankyung, so he doesn’t really become suspicious then, either.
The third time, he steps out of the shower, reaching for a towel, to find Hankyung slouched on the closed toilet seat, pants around his ankles and one arm thrown over his eyes, head tipped back against the wall and breathing harshly, one hand in Heechul’s hair.
Siwon shrieks like a banshee, feet flying out from under him as he banana-peels backwards into the tub, clutching the towel to his chest. Hankyung’s eyes snap open, and he shoves Heechul away as he tumbles sideways onto the floor, yelping. Heechul arches an eyebrow at the both of them, sitting back on his heels and wiping calmly at his mouth.
“Hyung,” Siwon splutters, flailing his arms around, eyebrows out of control, “hyung!”
“Heechul!” Hankyung screeches, “you said you started the shower, you-”
“I did,” Heechul says indignantly, standing up and propping his hip on the sink, “it’s not nice to steal someone else’s shower, Siwonnie.” Hankyung stares at him, then swings around to face Siwon, eyes hazy with residual lust, one hand holding up his jeans, still unbuttoned and unzipped, expectant.
Siwon would protest, and tell the truth, but Heechul has chosen this moment to casually reach out and pick up Siwon’s toothbrush, and Siwon can only watch in horror as he begins to brush his teeth, grinning wickedly around previously pure bristles. Hankyung takes his silence as a confession, and glares as he shoves Siwon out of the bathroom, muttering under his breath in Chinese about taking shower competitions too far.
But what really breaks the camel’s back is the fourth time, when he walks into the living room of his own apartment to find Heechul bent over his sofa, and as his keys from suddenly nerveless fingers, the only thought that springs to his mind is that Hankyung’s hips apparently can move faster than they did in Don’t Don. Hankyung’s eyes are closed, forehead resting on Heechul’s spine, but Heechul shoots him a wink and a lewd grin, before Hankyung’s next thrust rocks the sofa and his eyes roll back into his head.
Siwon’s leaning against the wall, arms crossed and his sulk face on, when they leave his apartment, giggling and groping, stealing lazy post-coital kisses. Hankyung has the grace to look guilty, and starts to mumble a greeting as Siwon shoves past them coldly, slamming the door before staring in dismay at his furniture.
He’s waiting backstage, shifting anxiously in his outfit, when Eeteuk comes up to him, looking his usual pre-performance harried. “You’re needed in the dressing room,” he says quickly, fussing with Siwon’s buttons, “something about an apology? Have you had a fight with Heechul and Hankyung?” Siwon bats at his hands, mumbling, and wriggles out of Eeteuk’s grip.
“Really?” he asks hopefully, because it’s only been a day and he already misses them. Being upset with people makes him anxious, it’s just not Christian to carry anger in his heart. Eeteuk shrugs, then flutters off to chase Donghae, who’s running around stagehands with Yesung’s vest, cackling.
Siwon opens the door to the dressing room, eager for conciliatory hugs, and stops dead. Heechul is straddling Hankyung in a make-up chair, tongue where Hankyung’s tie should be, grinding slowly. Hankyung has both feet planted on the ground so can push up hard, one hand pulling Heechul’s hair aside so he can suck at Heechul’s neck.
“I,” says Siwon declaratively, “hate you both.”
He frowns throughout the entire song, barely able to look sweet and sunny during his few solo lines. He doesn’t even feel bad when he sees Heechul coughing afterwards, rubbing at his throat with a grimace as Hankyung hovers. He only slides cough drops into Heechul’s bag because he doesn’t want Eeteuk to worry, and because if Heechul’s cough develops any further, it could go on Siwon’s record. He wants a clean sheet when he meets St. Peter, after all.
Hankyung finds him after two days of frosty silence, looking sad and neglected, and blames it all on Heechul. “I can’t reject him,” he hisses, hands on Siwon’s lapels, looking desperate “his tongue is the devil, Siwon, the devil.” Siwon decides that Hankyung is his best friend, and he should try and help him with his troubles. Also, if he can turn Hankyung and Heechul straight, then they can go to heaven together, the three of them, like Siwon has always wanted.
He corners Heechul alone one day, and sits him down to de-gay him. “Hyung,” he says seriously, “I’m so sorry for ignoring you. I know now that all the times you purposefully had me see you and Hankyung-hyung indulging in abomination was a cry for help.”
“Actually,” says Heechul, “I was just trying to fuck with you.” Siwon waves a hand magnanimously.
“You can’t fool me, hyung, I know all the signs. You want to be welcomed into the heart of God.” Heechul closes his laptop and turns to face Siwon, utter disbelief all over his face.
“Are you on drugs?” he asks, leaning closer to check Siwon’s pupils. Siwon pulls out one of his extra Bibles.
“If you welcome Him into your heart,” he says seriously, “you won’t need to have sex. His love will be enough.” Heechul gives him his full attention, considering carefully for a moment.
“Okay,” he says, taking the Bible out of Siwon’s hands, “what I really think we need to talk about here is your crush on Jesus.” Siwon blinks at him.
“I don’t have a crush on Jesus,” he says, slight derision evident in his tone, “he was the son of God and he had doubts.” He scoffs lightly. Heechul stares.
“Siwon,” he says carefully, “who do you think about late at night?” Siwon beams at him.
“God.” Heechul nods.
“And who do you think about in the shower?” Siwon bounces a little, excited.
“God.” Heechul smiles then, a slow, wide smirk that sends shivers down Siwon’s spine, though he can’t quite figure out why.
“Siwon,” he says, still grinning, “are you a virgin?” Siwon shifts a little, awkward, but he’s not ashamed.
“Yes, hyung, I’m saving myself for-”
“God?” Heechul interrupts, and Siwon nods a little, not really sure what’s going on. Heechul looks more excited than he did when he got the company green light to dance like Ivy.
“Okay, Siwonnie,” he says cheerfully, “no worries. I can definitely teach you how to seduce the Big Guy.”
And Siwon finds out that Hankyung was right, you really can’t say no to Heechul.