Comments | yume_mori: edited poetry #1 -- Veiled Truth

yume_mori

edited poetry #1 -- Veiled Truth

Sep 20, 2011 20:09

A picture holds one ( Read more... )

Comments 4

wsdante September 21 2011, 04:14:43 UTC

Hard to say. I think I know what you mean but I would be reluctant to change a line.
Maybe the first stanza is made redundant by the last?

yume_mori September 21 2011, 04:46:10 UTC

I know... I've already cut out a stanza from it. But I still can't put my finger on exactly what's wrong.

But I think you're right. Either the first or last stanza needs to go. The middle two seem to work, but either the first or last or both need to go or be changed...

wsdante September 22 2011, 05:34:57 UTC

I wouldn't say both those stanzas should go. If you were to drop one, I would suggest the first one. I'm beginning to feel that the first one is like having the punchline at the start. Does that make sense?
I think the last carries the message better, having that 'wry-ness' to it.

yume_mori September 23 2011, 07:31:34 UTC

I've looked it over (and even rewrote it by hand) and I have to agree! The first one really doesn't belong, and it does take away much of the oomph of the final stanza. So it will be getting cut.

Thank you!