Manie - Body of Conflict - Hosu
body of conflict, broken!hosu, angst, 3,712 words, pg.
because it just happened.
a/n: This was made because the first one failed its task. Let's see if this one's any different.
“Uncle Susu, I want to grow up just to be like you!!”
It was a perfect sunny day and they were making the most of it by enjoying a day out. They were at the park; the place was filled with laughter and joy. Junsu took his little, most adorable nephew in his arms and spun him around, snatching delighted screams from him. He ignored the pang in his heart as he wondered, in a pure childishness (maybe it was his nephew’s influence or… him being tired of adulthood) if it was that easy to smile in happiness. And mean it. Because he couldn’t remember, remember the last time he ever felt that way, even smiling over a trifle thing-the feeling of being swept off your feet. It seemed pointless to him at that moment.
“Why… why, little monster? Why do you want to be like Uncle Susu?” Junsu queried with what he wanted to look like a comical stunned face (but really, he was genuinely taken aback by his nephew’s words) when he stopped spinning the little boy’s world.
“Again, again!” Cried the boy, much to Junsu’s misfortune.
However, he tried to get an answer, one more time, “Really, why? You sure about that?”
“Yes!” Kyungwoon paused,” Because you know how to make people happy.”
If Kyungwoon blurted the first answer just to get what he wanted, it sure worked; but in Junsu’s mind, it strucked something, that little thought behind his mind that always reminded him of that time, that moment when he was actually well. The pang in his heart multiplied and he felt incredibly numb. It never stopped, no matter how much he worked on thinking about something else.
When he snapped back to reality, the little boy was lightly tapping his chest, wondering why his uncle had stopped spinning. Junsu didn’t want to see it, but a little bit of worry made its way on little Kyungwoon’s face. I’m not worth it.
Before the 4-year-old could say something (anything that would dampen his heart any further), Junsu spun him one last time, as he made a suggestion the little one couldn’t refuse, “How about we go get some ice scream before Noona gets home?” Kyungwoon’s face instantly lit up and Junsu marvelled once again at how easy the kid’s mood changed.
Kyungwoon brought his finger to his mouth and whispered, “It will be a secret?”
Junsu found himself smiling at that.
“Yes, our little secret.”
***
It was past five thirty when Junsu returned his nephew to his mom. They took a little more time than Junsu expected (he found that, much to Kyungwoon’s disbelief and joy, he could spill more ice scream on himself than the little boy) so when they entered the house, an impatient Miyoung was waiting for them in the living room.
Junsu mumbled some kind of apology as he let Kyungwoon run into his mother’s arms and was quite relieved to see that she wasn’t seriously mad at him. She listened to her son babbling at how awesome his day was and somehow he got lost in his explanations when he got to the part where he saw that cool toy in that store-his mother and uncle couldn’t help but smile at his cuteness.
“And Uncle Susu did all this with you?” She said throwing a quick glance at Junsu. Kyungwoon vigorously nodded, happy smile on his face.
“Have you said thank you yet?”
When he realized he didn’t, the little boy wriggled his way out of his mother’s arms and ran to Junsu, who crouched down to match his level.
“Thank you, Uncle Susu!” Kyungwoon said in the crook of his uncle’s neck. Junsu always thought that his sister would be a marvellous mother. Somehow, he wished from the bottom of his heart that his nephew would grow into a fine man; never wanting him to experience, not even close, what he was going through.
“No, I should be the one thanking you…” Whispered Junsu, though he doubted he would understand his feelings.
“Okay, now, you have to go clean up,” ordered Miyoung. “And if you do it well, I might just let you play longer today.”
Kyungwoon let out a cry of joy before he ran up the stairs (as fast as his little legs allowed him to) to his room. Junsu’s eyes followed him until he couldn’t see him anymore. He looked around, marvelled once more at how clean and stylish the house was; it had that kind of warm atmosphere you’d feel envious of. At least Junsu did.
“Thank you for taking care of him today, you didn’t have to,” the woman said, still standing up. Junsu’s face had darkened just a little as he nodded. When she saw that he wasn’t making any move to leave, she asked “Junsu, what’s wrong?”
“Can I stay a little longer?” From his position in front of the front door, Junsu fiddled with his fingers. Miyoung sighed, walking to meet him. Without a word, she motioned him to sit on the couch, where she thought they would be more comfortable. Glancing once at the clock, she wondered if she would have time to have dinner ready before her husband came home. That wasn’t the most important thing right now; her brother’s obvious state of distress urged her to look back at him.
Junsu didn’t say anything at first, but Miyoung could see it. It wasn’t the first time Junsu asked to stay. Each time, however, she felt like she was losing more and more of her dear little dongsaeng. She couldn’t let that be. Ever since she laid eyes on that man, she knew-
“Is it him again? What did he do to you?”
Junsu remained silent.
“Junsu! You have to talk to me. I can’t bear seeing you like this.”
I’m not worth the worries. Junsu thought gloomily, though he spoke those words aloud.
“What are you talking about?” Miyoung said in concern. “I swear, if that son of a bitch of Yunho somehow did something-“
“Don’t talk about him like that!” Junsu exploded, which instantly silenced his sister, completely shocked. He never spoke to her that way. They stayed still for what seemed like eternity, thoughts swirling madly in their heads and god did she hate the feeling. The last time Junsu visited her, words couldn’t be spoken, hearts were closed. It was suffocating.
Hesitantly, Miyoung took her little brother in her arms and she found that Junsu was shaking but she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. So much for wanting to be comforting.
***
Yunho yawned loudly, stretching his arms out to relieve the stress that had built up throughout the day. He was finally done with this damn file. This case was starting to eat him up alive, and really, he had enough on his mind already. Standing up, he rubbed his back, cursing at how painful it was.
“Couldn’t sleep well last night?”
Yunho lifted his head to see his smiling secretary poking his head into his office. Yunho smiled back, “Not quite, sleep’s playing hard to get,” He laughed. Jaejoong entered the office, eyebrows raised in concern, “Any reason why?” I have been sleeping on the couch for fucking two weeks, but it’s not like Jaejoong needed to know, “That last case was a beast,” the lawyer muttered, organizing papers on his desk. He looked up when he heard his secretary chuckle, “But you killed them at court yesterday. They’ll learn to know their place, the fuckers.” It was Yunho’s turn to laugh at Jaejoong’s words.
“Did you come just to compliment me? Not that I’m complaining,” Yunho said, smirking.
Jaejoong fought back a blush, tempted to punch his boss in the arm. “No,” he cleared his throat. “Actually, the guys are asking if you’d like to join us for a drink tonight.” Grabbing his stuff, Yunho checked the clock. It was five past six and seemed to press on the fact that he had better things to do.
“The usual place?” He asked, ignoring the clock.
“Yes sir,” Jaejoong said, already moving to leave the room.
“Let’s go, then!”
“Hey mister! Another one please!” shouted Yunho, who already had more than he should have.
They were now at the bar: it had the pretence of a classy lounge, lights low and pretty barmaids with fancy clothes. It smelled of cigarettes and cinnamon. In other words, it was the place where Yunho felt the best to drink at. Even if it meant drinking until he couldn’t think straight anymore.
His six coworkers looked at each other, clearly thinking the same thing. They all turned to Jaejoong, who sighed. He was always given the dirty tasks, “Yunho, I think you’ve had enough for-“
Ignoring his friend, he instead grabbed him close to himself, the movement made easy because their booth was in a semi-circle shape. “What will you do for me if I do stop?”
“Stop it, Yunho. You’re being an ass,” Changmin said, ready to stand up and snatch his friend from his colleague. “Let me go,” Jaejoong quietly said through his teeth when he felt an unwanted hand on his thigh, too close for comfort. It pained him to see his friend that way. To him, it seemed like it wasn’t long ago that Yunho was happy; they were able to talk comfortably about just anything. Now, the other’s gaze changed when he was even just a little bit drunk; the atmosphere turned cold and awkward. This time, though, he wasn’t going to let his emotions get in the way.
“Why didn’t I meet you earlier… I could’ve been happier, you know,” whispered Yunho.
“Let go off me!”
And that was Changmin’s cue. He stood up and motioned to his coworkers for some help as he took Yunho’s arms and yanked him out of the booth. Yunho protested some, but gave up when he felt that they were seriously kicking him out of the bar. And he was far too inebriated to do anything. They could do whatever the fuck they wanted; he didn’t care. He soon found himself been thrown in a cab and just before Yoochun, his colleague and past best-friend, closed the door on Yunho, he said,
“You are still the bastard you became three years ago,” and waved for the driver to go.
Yunho had to sit and wonder where and when the fuck did I go wrong, because, really, if everyone could stop being so fucking emotional and answer his damn questions maybe he’d understand. Sobering up quite quickly, he thought back to the day him and Junsu received approval from Yoochun, the latter’s ex-boyfriend. That day he thought that everything was going to be alright. They had big dreams, and hope, hope that could change the damn whole world. Then he stopped thinking. He rolled down the window so his thoughts could fly out to the night sky, gaze lost and unfocused.
***
“Umma!” Yelled Kyungwoon for the umpteenth time.
Miyoung finally replied to her son, “What is it?” She answered back, startling Junsu, still a mess in her arms. “If you are done, go play with your toys, okay?”
“Okay!” And off he was.
Miyoung couldn’t stay silent anymore. They’ve been like this for what seemed like hours. “Junsu-yah… Please tell me what’s wrong… Please.” Her younger brother bit back a sob before he quietly whispered something unintelligible. Miyoung didn’t catch it and was about to ask him when he repeated, this time louder.
“I am not happy.”
Miyoung’s heart broke.
“I am not happy, Miyoung-ah. I am lost.”
“I knew you wouldn’t be happy with him, Susu. He wasn’t right for you! I knew it from the start,” she said angrily.
“Who said it was him?” Junsu snapped, sitting up.
The tears and puffed eyes before her just further broke Miyoung’s heart.
“Then who is it? You?”
Junsu didn’t reply.
“Look at me, Junsu.” When Junsu complied, he was this close to break down. “You have been this way for as long as I can remember. If it’s about mom and dad refusing you into the company-“
“Stop it.”
“-you could always leave Yunho. They would accept you.”
Junsu stood up and glared down at his sister.
“How can you…!”
“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but you need to know that since you have been with him, you haven’t been yourself.”
“And who am I…”
Miyoung stood up too, taking her brother’s shoulder in her hands.
“This, Junsu, no one knows better than yourself.”
When Junsu thought he couldn’t cry anymore, bitter tears rolled down his cheeks. Make it stop. Make it stop…
“Do you love him, Junsu?”
“I do…”
“Then what happened?”
“…”
“What happened?” She tried one more time.
“I don’t know,” he whispered, his voice giving up on him.
“What?” She brought him closer to her.
“I don’t know what happened,” he sobbed. “Miyoung-ah, I love him…. At least I think I do…. I don’t know if he does anymore….” He broke down.
As Miyoung took him in her arms, he said, final,
“I feel chained…”
***
It was late when the taxi finally dropped Yunho in front of his house. He found that he couldn’t bring himself to enter. Somehow he knew that Junsu would be acting weird and he seriously didn’t want to feel those resentful glares on him. Again. He glanced at his left hand, where a beautiful wedding band caught the light of a street lamp. He laughed ironically. They would be living the perfect marriage, huh. He sat on the stairs, arms crossed, folded on his legs, as he laid his head on top of them. He stayed there for a long time, his mind just refusing to cooperate. He knew Junsu was inside from the lights, and for a fleeting moment, he wished he could go back to the time where he came back home to a beautiful voice, singing his worries away, like the world was that perfect.
He shook his head. This was getting ridiculous, he thought as he stood up.
When Junsu heard the jingle of Yunho’s keys in front of the door, his heart stopped. It wasn’t like he had been waiting for him; he just didn’t felt like doing anything. So he sat there, on their couch, legs brought to his chest, and a comforter covering him, because he felt cold.
He slowly rose to his feet, carefully walking towards the opening door.
“Welcome back,” Junsu said, his voice impossibly hoarse.
“I’m home,” Yunho replied, removing his shoes and Junsu tried to ignore the strong smell of alcohol that reeked from him.
When Yunho straightened up, Junsu was moving closer to him. He tried, almost desperately, to bring them closer and closer. He obviously stretched his arms out, in an attempt to hold the bigger man in his arms.
But Yunho walked past him, shoulders harshly brushing together. And that was it.
“Aaah,” Yunho sighed, ignoring Junsu’s hurt face. “Today was such a pain in the ass, I swear!” He threw his briefcase and coat on the chair nearby and slouched on the sofa.“But I managed to close that fucking case,” Yunho kept talking, undoing his tie, as if nothing had happened. He laughed, “That sure wasn’t easy!”
Junsu’s hands turned into fists as he faced Yunho. He fought the tears and he started towards the kitchen. He stopped short when Yunho spoke again, “Hey, Susu-yah,” Junsu flinched at the nickname, “Can you bring me a cup of tea? I’d appreciate it.” Junsu worried his lower lip (as if to prevent it from trembling) and resumed his way towards the kitchen.
When he came back into the living room, Yunho wasn’t there anymore. Something rose in his throat, but this time, he wasn’t going to cry. Was he fucking serious!?
Yunho opened the shower tap, hot water scorching his skin. He welcomed the pain with a relieved sigh. Why was he being like this? Looking downwards, he hadn’t realized that he was fisting his hands. So much tension had built up inside of him; he could feel it throbbing inside of him. Why was he acting this way? He punched the wall beside him, but he felt weak. Oh so weak, like he was losing control. And Jung Yunho never lost control.
His train of thoughts were abruptly interrupted when he heard something violently hitting the bathroom door. He tried not to think too much about it, but he only succeeded for several minutes; he couldn’t hear any sound coming from the outside. He closed the tap and quickly dressed back into his clothes, hair still dripping wet even though he roughly dried himself with a towel. When he took a look at the door, he saw some liquid filtering in on the floor. Opening the door, he had to be careful not to wound his foot because of the shards sprawled across the hall. Junsu. He walked briskly to their room, where he figured the other would be, and yes indeed. There he was. Yunho didn’t expect him to be packing, though.
Deciding on not stating the obvious, he simply said in a voice that was louder than he intended, “What the hell is wrong with you!?” Junsu had to gape at this, head snapping in Yunho’s direction. He didn’t spare him a reply though.
That seemed to anger Yunho to a point where he was about to lose it. But he didn’t let it show; he surely wasn’t going to give Junsu that satisfaction. Crossing his arms, he smugly leaned against the doorframe, “Throwing a little tantrum, here?” Junsu still busied himself, taking some clothes from there, other things from here. He took pleasure in ignoring Yunho.
“You’ll be back, like you always did in the past. You can’t live without me.”
But something seemed off. Junsu was picking up some of his stuff… It only dawned on Yunho then.
He walked quickly to Junsu, who was turning his back at him and unceremoniously grabbed the other’s right arm with his own right hand, forcing him to face him, “Oh no, no. You are certainly not kicking me out of the house,” he muttered threateningly.
Junsu tried to ignore to shooting pain in his arm as he said, matching Yunho’s earlier smugness, “Oh ho, look at that. You can react.”
“What’s wrong with you?” Yunho shouted; he swore he was fuming at that moment.
“What’s wrong with me?” Junsu repeated the same way (and Yunho was sure the hair on the back of his neck rose). “How can you-how can you act like everything is like a fucking joke and laugh?” The smaller, but equally angered man vividly shook his arm free. Yunho let go, only to be strongly pushed away by the other, who used both hands and all his will. “The truth is that you don’t even give a flying fuck of what I feel-“
“Oh please, don’t give me that,” sneered Yunho.
Junsu felt like yelling, “Why does it feel like I’m the only one hurting, Yunho?” His voice felt so foreign to his own ears, he wondered where it came from. “Can’t you see something is wrong with us?”
“Well, what do you want me to do, huh?” Yunho yelled back. He felt attacked. Like he always did.
“I feel like I’m the only one at fault! You play victim like it's the best damn thing you can do, Junsu! I’m sick and tired of it!”
There. He completely lost it.
“What do you expect from me? To be able to read every of your fucking emotions without you telling me? And what about me, huh? Never thought about that?”
“You’re never home…” Junsu whispered
“What am I now, a stupid ghost?”
“What I want is at least a little respect from you,” spat Junsu. He was back to packing.
Yunho, however, didn’t let him, yanking the other’s arm away, “What fucking respect, I always give it to you.”
“No you don’t!” Junsu screamed. “You don’t look at me, don’t hold me, and can’t hold a conversation with me.”
“Well, what if I just don’t feel like it,” Yunho snapped.
“Fuck, I won’t stay here waiting for you like a fucking, pathetic moron to care for me, forever,” threw Junsu. “And besides, you’ve changed, you were more….loving towards me,” Junsu said, jabbing a finger at Yunho’s chest.
Fleeting kisses on his neck.
Flashbacks started to blur Junsu’s vision.
Kisses sweeter than honey.
“Like you haven’t.”
Eyes rolling at the sheer pleasure enveloping his whole body.
“At least, I know I still loved you!”
Junsu hadn’t been able to keep his voice steady when he yelled that. As tears began to form again, he turned away, unable to keep Yunho’s gaze. He felt like his knees were about to give up on him. He needed to sit.
“Go,” he said, tiredly.
Anger seemed to have completely fled his mind when the finality of Junsu’s words hit him, “So what, you’re going to let Yoochun get back with you?” He couldn’t help but say, his heart sinking in his chest. “Go, Yunho. Just go,” sobbed Junsu on the bed, lying in a foetal position. Yunho wasn’t able to see his face.
All that was left for him to do was pack his things. Something shiny caught his eye on the bedside table. Junsu’s wedding band.
“Are we over…?” Yunho risked. But as it was expected, no answer emanated from Junsu.
Checking if he had everything, he looked around the room. Emotions started to fill him, spinning out of control; he felt dizzy.
Moving to leave the room, he halted at the door. He wanted to say something, anything that could change their fate. I’ll miss you? I still love you? I can’t live without you? Even if he wanted to say these every single words, he knew it wouldn’t change anything.
The front door closed, and Junsu swore it was deafening. His sobs doubled, realization creeping into his mind. He cried himself to sleep, but before he let himself drift into a dreamless slumber, he whispered over and over, like a spell;
“Welcome back, Junsu.”
a/n: Ugh. Finally I was able to write. I'm trying to make a comeback (>.>). Hopefully, it will last. I've been trying to improve my writing, and that, for the past year. >< Make sure to let me know what you think, guys ♥