Fanfic: Liar (Part 3)
Fujigaya felt uncomfortable staying in Kisumai's dressing room since Yokoo had figured out it had been Kitayama. His friend had kept his lips shut and not approached Kitayama and for that he was very thankful, but he felt the judging looks and the silent begging in his eyes to reconsider.
Therefore, he wandered around in the building when he didn't have work. He felt restless and he hated it, because it caused him to make mistakes and there was nothing he hated more than doing something wrong.
"You can go back. I am meeting Tottsu till we have the photo shoot." A voice suddenly said and Fujigaya stopped playing with the leaf of one of the big pot plants and spun around. "It's a pain to watch you."
"It's not your fault."
Kitayama lifted an eyebrow at him that showed he seriously doubted him.
"I had some trouble with Wataru." Fujigaya finally admitted. It had been weighting him down and Kitayama was the first one to address it. The older one pursed his lips and then pushed him to a small bench standing in the corridor.
"We shouldn't talk."
"You are telling me, we shouldn't co-exist?" Kitayama deadpanned and Fujigaya winced.
"No, I am not."
"Good, because if you did, I would have bad news for you. Duet loves us."
That brought a small smile to his lips.
"So, what did you and Wataru do? Because if you keep getting into trouble with even more members, who will you do fan-service with? Don't make the situation in the band difficult."
"Don't act all leader. It is not even official."
"I have dealt with enough shit I didn't necessarily have to, to have earned the title."
Fujigaya couldn't deny that.
"Wataru just keeps nosing around in stuff that doesn't concern him."
"That doesn't surprise me all that much. You consider everything concerning you no one's business."
That had been blunt. Had Kitayama always thought of him like that?
"I just don't like it when people butt into my love-life."
"Everyone has the right to make his own decisions, but don't you know those moments, too? When someone you are close to worries you and you want to help? Like when you want to protect your brothers? I don't know what the issue is this time around, but I know Wataru loves you like a brother and wishes to protect you just like that. It has always been that way and I think it is a good thing."
"I don't think Wataru loves me like a brother. We have sex regularly."
It set some things straight. He had no trouble replacing lovers. Fujigaya saw the pang of hurt in Kitayama's eyes.
"He cares about you. Either way." The other said shortly and looked away from him.
"I told you, it wouldn't be good to talk."
Kitayama sent him a dirty look.
"You are making it tough on propose."
"Look, we had a good relationship despite a lot of quarrelling and I am sorry you got hurt in the progress, but I don't do love."
"It will be painful one day when you find yourself alone." Kitayama said soberly and left.
Fujigaya rolled his eyes. Just because he didn't favour romantic relationships, didn't mean he was socially awkward. He had a lot of good friends.
The mood in the group was slightly awkward and Fujigaya figured even the younger ones had realized something was off. They didn't bother him, not even Senga.
Fujigaya lifted a brow as his best friend plopped down next to him one morning.
"Some people just don't know love, even if it bits them in the ass." Yokoo said.
"Some people just have to learn to accept other people's decisions." Fujigaya countered and Yokoo sighed defeated. The older one was usually the one to give up when they fought.
"I am free tonight. What about you?" Yokoo asked and Fujigaya nodded. Some sex would be nice.
Fujigaya kept looking out for a new boyfriend, but not quite as adamantly as he usually did. He blamed it on his work load. Therefore, he was still single when his phone rang some weeks later.
"Taisuke, it is me, Eiji."
"What in the world makes you think I would want to hear from you?"
"I know. I was a total ass to you, but I hoped we could at least talk?"
"Why?"
"I miss you and want to apologize. Please, give me a chance."
The other sounded sincere. Fujigaya hated situations like that. He hated to refuse an honest apology, but he also hated to accept one when he really didn't want to.
"9pm at the bar we first met tonight. Be late and I am gone."
Fujigaya hung up the phone without waiting for a response. He wanted to hear a good reason why he was supposed to forgive. Though, it had style to end their relationship once and for all at the place they had first met, too.
It were still five hours and he was already reconsidering his consent to meet the other. When he entered their dressing room, his eyes strayed to Kitayama. Since their last talk, the other hadn't tried to communicate with him if not absolutely necessary. It seemed he had truly hurt Kitayama. Might as well.
He had only ordered a beer at the bar. Fujigaya wanted to have his senses clear when he faced Eiji. The other had three more minutes to be on time. Fujigaya would leave on the spot without looking back.
"Taisuke, I am really glad you are here."
He sighed. It would have been too easy.
"Eiji."
The other sat down next to him and ordered a drink.
"You are kind of a romantic after all, aren't you? Meeting me here of all places."
Fujigaya sent the other a glare out of the corner of his eyes.
"Okay, sorry." Eiji smiled and nipped on his drink the waitress had brought.
"Let's come to the point, won't we?" Fujigaya simply said.
"I have to apologize to you. I was the worst and treated you in a terrible way. I know we agreed to do just sex, but that didn't give me the right to ignore your wishes and act like I didn't respect you."
Fujigaya wondered whether the other knew all his sentences had started with 'I' so far.
"I know there is no real excuse for behaviour like that, but there was a position I was working for and the promotion had been everything I had ever wanted, but due to personal favours I received a setback and my rival got the position. The night we met each other for the first time, I had been so set on drinking away all my disappointment, but then I met you. I know I really shouldn't have let my unhappiness out on you and usually, I never act like such an ass, but it happened and all I can do is apologizing."
Fujigaya moved uncomfortably on his chair. That reminded him a little too much of himself. The many setbacks as Kisumai struggled to debut. Hey!Say!Jump's debut before theirs. The way he had lashed out irrationally at the two oldest members and most of all, how easily they had forgiven him.
"I am so, so sorry, Taisuke."
"I know."
Eiji frowned at his unexpected reply and Fujigaya buried his face in his hands. "I know how that feels."
The other stopped short and then hurriedly leant towards him.
"Won't you forgive me then? Please Taisuke."
Fujigaya squirmed. Why was he in such a situation now?
"I want to try again. I miss you so much. Only when you had left, did I notice how much I lost. I know I should have noticed it earlier, though."
Fujigaya nipped at his beer and looked at the other out of the corner of his eyes.
"The second you feel I acted like an ass, you could just leave again."
Now, he would feel like an ass if he refused. Fujigaya truly hated situations like that.
"If I were to give you a second chance, I wouldn't be gracious." He said slowly as if he wasn't sure himself whether this was such a good idea.
"Okay!" Eiji immediately exclaimed and Fujigaya figured that if he were a dog, his tail would be waggling now.
"I'll dominate throughout the first week." He had to say something to stroke his ego. The other looked a lot less excited.
"With dominate you mean..." Eiji left the implication between them.
Fujigaya nodded decidedly.
"I top and you bottom." He hadn't topped properly in ages and it wasn't all that much fun to him, but it was about the meaning of it and if Eiji wasn't ready to do it for him, he wasn't worth another try. Even Kitayama had offered it to him and the older one really disliked it. Fujigaya had only accepted the offer once. Seeing Kitayama scared and vulnerable, had not been that arousing. Maybe, if they had implored the option a little bit more throughout, Kitayama would have come to enjoy it just as much as he did. Their fight for dominance had been of another kind, one of words and wit and more or less their foreplay.
Eiji thought about it some long minutes and Fujigaya waited. He was truly curious how much the second chance was worth to Eiji.
"Okay." The other finally said and Fujigaya was quite surprised. Eiji would go that far for him?
"Really?"
"Yes, I will bottom for a week."
"If you go back on your promise, I will be gone."
Eiji nodded even though he still seemed uneasy. Fujigaya could let it slide now that he had heard the other would do it, but he wanted proof.
He got proof that night. It was awkward for him to be back in that position and to miss the added stimulation to his butt. Maybe a week was too long? One should never underestimate a prostate during anal sex. Nevertheless, he pulled through all seven days and moved on top whenever they got intimate. It was perhaps not the right way to go about relationships, but he wanted Eiji to feel the vulnerability that position could offer and it also gave him some small satisfaction. If they had been looking for love from each other, it certainly wouldn't have worked out. Not with such thoughts in mind.
The first night after his week was over, made him feel apprehensive.
"I don't want it tonight." Fujigaya mumbled as Eiji reached for him and huddled up under the blanket. The other frowned.
"I did as you asked me to." The accusation was as good as suppressed as the other seemed to be able.
"I know and I will sleep with you, just tonight I..." Before Fujigaya had finished, Eiji sighed and growling rolled on his side to sleep.
Fujigaya breathed out relieved and loosened the arms he didn't notice he had wrapped around himself. He wasn't scared, just not in the mood. That was all.
The next day, he went about feeling ridiculous. There were more than enough people to prove he was not a virgin, but he had shied away just like he had at his first time. It didn't make any sense to him. He had even slept with Yokoo without a problem. Tonight, he would just pull through.
Just like he had predicted, Eiji tried again to have sex with him and he didn't resist.
"Why so tense?" Eiji asked after they were done. Fujigaya didn't know himself why he had not relaxed more even after it had become clear Eiji would be gentle.
"I am not used to it anymore." A little of a stretch.
Eiji hummed and accepted his explanation and they both went to sleep.
Fujigaya had to admit the other was quite someone else than when they first dated. They didn't go on dates directly. They didn't hold hands or were especially affectionate, but they lived comfortably next to each other and they had even worked out their sex life. Time passed and Fujigaya was content how things had worked out. There were times, where he still caught himself thinking about Kitayama, but he banned the older one mostly out of his mind and he was fine with it.
Nipping at his black coffee, Fujigaya watched Eiji curse at his computer. Filling another cup, he brought it to the other.
"You are awesome."
Fujigaya smiled slightly at the comment and watched amused as Eiji burned his tongue as he tried to drink too hungrily.
"It's hot, idiot."
Eiji grimaced and put the cup down.
"I noticed that now, too."
The other reached for him and pulled him on his lap.
"Don't you have to work on this?" Fujigaya asked and pointed at the computer.
"I do, but you will leave later and I can still work on this when you are gone."
It was always nice to be told he was important. Eiji pulled him into a kiss and it tasted like coffee. The other moved his hand through his hair and Fujigaya moaned. He had always loved hair play. Soon he felt a hand pull his on a bulge and he hummed. Eiji had wanted to get off the last few days more than usually.
"That much stress? Does this help?"
"Hell yeah." The other groaned as Fujigaya moved his hand under the underwear and stroke the other.
It seemed Eiji wasn't interested in returning the favour, but that was in his interest. He preferred to not get off shortly before he had to leave for work. It always made him feel sticky and uncomfortable. Working the other how he liked it, Fujigaya did a quick job of it and moved away after another quick kiss to get ready.
Eiji waved to him as he left.
Yokoo met him in front of the building, which was highly unusual.
"What's the matter?" Fujigaya asked as soon as he had reached his friend. Had something bad happened? The other seemed nervous.
"I have to warn you."
"Warn me of what?"
"Kitayama has a new boyfriend." Yokoo bit his bottom lip nervously and Fujigaya forced a laugh over his lips, even though he felt a little weird all of the sudden.
"Really Wataru? You know I have already been dating another man for five months, don't you?"
"I know."
"It doesn't matter to me who he dates. I am happy." The words were stale in his mouth and Fujigaya hated Kitayama for it.
Yokoo looked at him torn, but then nodded and they turned to go together into the building.
"You still haven't introduced your new lover to me yet."
Fujigaya nodded.
"I know, but he is very busy with a project at the moment. I will when he has time." He really should tell Yokoo it was Eiji he was seeing again, but it was easier not to. Especially, with the new turn of events.
His aim for the day: Being happily chipper without being obvious.
When they entered their dressing room, Kitayama's and his eyes met. The other seemed to consider him for a second and then looked away. Fujigaya was thankful, because of the sharp stab he felt. It wouldn't be good if they talked while he felt such strong animosity towards the other because of having made him feel. He hated it so much. Over the day, the other members clapped Kitayama on the back and the oldest complained about Miyata not keeping his big mouth shut. Fujigaya kept a close watch of the clock while he joked around with Senga and calmly ate lunch with Yokoo.
Fujigaya kicked his shoes off in the entrance and walked with fast steps into the living room. Eiji was sitting on the couch watching some senseless talk segment and Fujigaya pounced on the other. He certainly took his lover by surprise, but Eiji seemed more than happy to comply. Fujigaya had their clothes off in mere seconds and fussed their mouths together hungrily. He opened his palm where he had been carrying lube and condom since he got out of the car and rolled the latter on his lover. Eiji groaned at the fast pace he went at. Not wanting to waste any time, Fujigaya hurriedly stretched himself open with two fingers and after barely half a minute, sank down on the other's erection. Eiji's eyes almost bulged out of his head as he stared at him. Not liking it, Fujigaya rode the other hard and hugged his neck to not have to see his eyes. Eiji groaned and grabbed him by the hips. It was more than fine with Fujigaya for the other to take control and fuck him into the couch and then on the living room table.
His chest heaved after Eiji's hips stopped moving. Fujigaya stared unblinking at the ceiling while the edge of the glass table uncomfortably cut into the small of his back.
"Whatever got into you tonight, I hope it happens again." Eiji rasped as he pulled out of him. A sob slipped over Fujigaya's lips that he easily masked as laugh.
"Hopefully." His voice could be raw from the sex and Eiji seemed to think so as Fujigaya got up and went into the bathroom. The other didn't follow him.
Fujigaya stared at the man looking back at him through the mirror and he hit his fist on the basin as a few tears slipped over the flushed cheeks. He was mad, not mad at Kitayama, but mad at himself for feeling such stupid things. He got everything he ever wanted from a lover. Detached passionate sex, but he felt like he was physically hurting. It was over half a year ago that he had even kissed the other. What sense did his feelings make?
The man in the mirror let more tears slip and Fujigaya stared at him and wondered who the hell he was. Who?
An even face that could be considered beautiful or handsome. A tanned body with muscles. Their eyes met and Fujigaya looked away. He didn't like to look into eyes. He didn't like to see what other people were feeling.
He let himself sag on the floor so he didn't have to look. Moving hurt, but he had wanted it to be rough. He wanted the soreness. A lasting reminder of their passion and sex.
After work they would have sex everywhere in Eiji's flat every day. The gentleness the other had used when first touching him again decreased, but Fujigaya could care less. It suited him just fine to claw and pull at each other while they struggled for their release. Eiji didn't ask a second time why he was so different, but Fujigaya certainly wouldn't mention the topic again. They spent weeks like that and Fujigaya wondered whether there was still a flat surface in the flat Eiji could fuck him on they hadn't tried out yet. His muscles were sore and protested as he danced, but it reminded him a little of a throughout and satisfying workout. It made looking at Kitayama easier, because he was every second of his day reminded of the other man. The man that fulfilled all his expectations and didn't stir up any unnecessary feelings.
"I am not sure whether I should worry about you or not." Yokoo looked at him cryptically after practice and Fujigaya rolled his eyes.
"Isn't it my turn to worry about you?"
"I am a big boy." Yokoo said with a big grin and Fujigaya shoved him.
"You are sleeping." It wasn't a question.
"I am."
"And you are eating healthily."
"I am."
"So what is it that bothers me?" Yokoo seemed to be truly puzzled.
"Maybe you just search for something that isn't there. Wouldn't it be okay for me to be just content?"
"Yes." Yokoo said slowly. "But contentment isn't happiness."
"Nonsense, I like being content."
"Well, I guess it is okay."
"Good."
"When can I meet him? Your lover I mean."
Fujigaya was close to groaning. Yokoo was really set on driving him nuts today.
"He finished his project. I'll ask him tonight."
"Good."
He felt like a little boy being watched by his mom. Great.
Fujigaya drummed his fingers on the tabletop nervously. Maybe, it would have been better after all if he had told Yokoo he was meeting Eiji beforehand. Well, it was too late for that now.
"You are making me jumpy." Eiji put his hand over his and pressed his fingers flat against the surface.
"Sorry, Wataru is my best friend and when he meets my lovers he usually acts like a dad protecting his daughter." There he had said it, but Eiji only chuckled.
"It's going to be an interesting evening."
"Or just plain uncomfortable." Fujigaya added.
"We are happy with each other. No one can say anything against that."
Right.
Fujigaya moved his hand over his forehead and grimaced because of its dampness.
Yokoo came and the introduction was quite a bit awkward. Fujigaya could almost feel the questioning looks burn the side of his head.
They managed to eat the main dish, before Fujigaya received a well aimed kick under the table and Yokoo's eyes moved towards the toilet sign.
Giving in to his fate, Fujigaya excused himself. Yokoo followed him only a few seconds later.
"Tell me this is some fucking joke."
"I don't think you would find the punch line very funny."
His best friend almost growled.
"Fujigaya Taisuke..."
His full name was never a good sign so Fujigaya tried to save what still could be saved.
"Look Wataru, I have been dating Eiji for five months and we are fine. We talked about our problems and how we want our relationship to be and it works. I gave him a second chance and I honestly don't regret it."
"You can't be serious."
"I am. We had a tough start, but he is treating me very well and I enjoy our relationship."
Yokoo still looked uncomfortable.
"I don't like him."
"Good, because it is me, who is dating him and not you."
"I know, I know. I just want the best for you."
"I have exactly what I always wanted."
Fujigaya let Yokoo hug him and they returned back to the table. Eiji looked at them amused and Yokoo forced a smile. Fujigaya would be happy when it was finally over. Maybe they could skip dessert? Yokoo might have given in, but that never meant he approved.
Biting his lip, Fujigaya thumbed the folder with an offer for a new drama. It had a nice plot and there wasn't really any reason to refuse. His popularity would get a boost and he would surely enjoy it. Nevertheless, he hadn't agreed yet and Fujigaya moved his index finger over a small bruise on his forearm. It had formed after he had banged his forearm against the headboard in the throes of passion last night.
He needed to get a hold on himself and just do what he usually did. Work. Do the things he was supposed to.
His manager was relieved when he finally gave his okay, but Fujigaya didn't quite share his feelings.
"Eiji? Are you home?" Fujigaya asked after getting home. Silence greeted him and he decided to pamper himself a little. There was nothing better than a hot bath to relax. The warm water felt wonderful. He even treated himself to bubbles and he blew some over the warm water. Watching them drift, he leant back. Once he had bathed just like that and Kitayama had squeezed himself into the tub with him. Fujigaya had been so pissed. Especially, after the older one proposed to scrub each others' backs. Because really, how domestic and gross could one bear for one day? But in the end, Kitayama knew him too well and had sought out all his sensitive spots and pleasured him enough for him to tolerate the intruder. The other was such a sneaky person.
Fujigaya jerked as a noise disturbed him. Frowning at the rather cold water, he was glad his mother would never find out he had been asleep in the tub. She had always prevented that with all her might. He should call her sometime soon, though.
The door opened and Eiji looked at him.
"Hello there beautiful."
"You are back." It really shouldn't bother him by all the sex they had as Eiji now looked him up and down closely through the water. The bubbles had long dissipated. Something was wrong with his head.
Eiji stripped off his clothes and already wanted to climb into the tub with him.
"Ew! The water is cold."
Fujigaya shrugged his shoulders and got out. He dodged the other as he towelled himself and slipped into comfortable clothes.
"You tease me out of my mind and then you don't want sex?"
"I didn't do anything in particular." Fujigaya combed his hair and left the room. Eiji followed him naked.
"I am going to film a drama."
"Great, so now you don't want sex and we are not going to do it much the next three months either."
"I already told you many times that work stands above all in my books."
Eiji rolled his eyes.
"You'll probably just go and fuck with your co-workers again."
"I already told you many times that I do no such thing."
"At least sleep with me now then." Eiji pulled him closer and pressed their mouths together.
"I just bathed." Fujigaya tried to wiggle free.
Eiji kept pressing and made puppy-eyes at him, reminding him of the time they wouldn't see each other and Fujigaya started to feel guilty. He knew filming took a lot of time and when he was exhausted and beat from being filmed, he knew he wouldn't want to have sex either.
"Alright, but let's do it in bed this time."
Eiji grinned and pulled him into the bedroom.
It was one of those days where the shampoo bottle was suddenly empty and you hadn't bought a new one or where you bumped your toe against the doorframe before leaving for work. A day where everything went wrong. It was one of those days as he was sitting with Yokoo in their favourite coffee shop and two people strolled inside and Fujigaya knew one of them.
Kitayama saw them, too and waved. They came over and Fujigaya switched on his perfect idol smile.
"Hey." The oldest greeted and the other young man next to him nodded and smiled at them. "This is Sasaki Kenta, my lover and these are my two band mates Yokoo Wataru and Fujigaya Taisuke."
Yokoo's apprehension only showed through how his Adam's apple bopped, but his best friend easily made small talk and Sasaki Kenta was much too nice for Fujigaya's liking. He did his best to be social, but he was glad nevertheless when the two lovers moved to a table of their own.
"Sasaki-san is nice." Yokoo commented.
"Yeah, they are a cute couple." They looked striking together. There was no denying that.
Fujigaya's coffee didn't quite taste as good anymore and he felt the hairs in the back of his neck stand up constantly, but he didn't dare and turn. He knew they were behind him anyway.
"We can leave." Yokoo said gently.
"Yeah, I am done anyway. I'll just go to the toilet beforehand." Fujigaya left the table. He locked himself in one of the stalls and groaned. He couldn't overreact more, could he? Even Yokoo had noticed he had a problem with them being there. Now, he would have the other at his back again. Taking some deep breathes, he opened the stall door and walked to the basins to wash his hands.
It seemed someone had waited for him there.
"I really wondered how you were in real life." Sasaki commented while tugging his bangs in place. "How much would be facade and how much the real you.
Kitayama must have told the other about their previous relationship. This was promising to be an awkward and awful conversation.
"I am just me." Fujigaya answered for lack of anything better to say. Couldn't Yokoo enter and safe him? Even Kitayama would be fine.
"I guess so." Sasaki turned to look at him. They were about the same height. "I quite dislike you, but I think you deserve a warning."
Fujigaya blinked.
"You had your chance." The other said it calmly and unwavering as if stating a fact. It unnerved Fujigaya.
"I am not looking for a chance."
"Just as well." Sasaki smiled at him the same smile he had shown him earlier and left the room. False, it was a false smile. Why didn't he notice earlier?
He had to leave. Unerringly, he moved right back to their table, placed some money next to their mugs and dragged Yokoo away with him. They walked and walked. Walking felt good, it cleared his head and if he just thought about moving one foot in front of the other, he didn't have to think about other unnecessary things.
"Taisuke, it is raining." Yokoo's voice was still gentle and Fujigaya looked up at the blue umbrella being held over his head.
"Where are we?"
"We are not in Shibuya anymore or even close to it.
Fujigaya moved his hand through his hair and tried to orientate himself.
"Do you want me to get you home?"
He shook his head. He didn't want to see Eiji at the moment.
"Do you want to stay at my place?"
Fujigaya hesitated and then nodded. He wasn't in the mood to have sex with Eiji and somehow he knew he would have to if he returned to him.
"Come on, Taisuke." Yokoo wrapped an arm around his shoulders and waved down a cab. It was nice to move into the dry warmness and watch other people get wet in the rain. Moreover, the melancholy of water splashing down into the greyness was strangely comforting.
When they reached the other's flat, Yokoo gave him dry clothes and Fujigaya huddled up on the couch.
"I don't know why I am acting in such a way."
"You are in the situation you always wanted to avoid at all costs. It doesn't surprise me that you are out of it." Yokoo said from the kitchen and some minutes later came back with hot chocolate.
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean, Taisuke. I am talking about love."
"I don't have a broken heart. I am not in love." Fujigaya said over his mug and let the chocolately goodness cover his tongue.
"You have been walking around like a bat out of hell since you exited that toilet. Moreover, I wish I'll never have to see that look on your face again like the one you had when you first spotted Kitamitsu earlier."
"I don't want this."
"You can't choose what you want." Yokoo sat down next to him and patted his knee.
"What am I supposed to do now?"
"How about confessing?"
Fujigaya grimaced.
"I don't think so. Not only does Kitayama have a new boyfriend, but it has been too long."
"I am not sure he is over you yet." Yokoo said slowly, but Fujigaya rolled his eyes. Wasn't it clear the other had moved on?
"I know he has a new lover, but so do you and let's be honest, you don't feel a thing for Eiji, do you?"
"We match."
"Is that what you want? Someone you match with? I always thought you were the type that wanted someone who contradicts you, someone who can push you at all the wrong places."
"You are making me sound like a freaky masochist." Fujigaya sent the other a sidelong glance. Yokoo just shrugged his shoulders.
"It is not that unusual."
"Sasaki told me I had my chance." Fujigaya admitted.
"Then he did approach you." Yokoo exclaimed and then frowned. "He doesn't sound very confident to me."
"Believe me, he was very confident." Only thinking of the unwavering glance the other had sent him, made Fujigaya want to shiver. If someone asked him, it was quite clear to him, who went out of this conversation as the loser and it certainly hadn't been Sasaki.
"He felt the need to scare you off. In all honesty, to me it seems like he fears you."
Fujigaya pondered that. In a way, what Yokoo said made sense, but at the same time it was hard for him to imagine why Sasaki should fear him. The last time he had a proper conversation with Kitayama was so long ago, he couldn't even remember it.
"I just want everything to be over." He buried his face in his knees and Yokoo sighed.
"If you don't want to confess to him, why don't you move on then?"
"I already moved on."
"Oh come on Taisuke, Eiji is Kitayama's replacement. You don't love him, he doesn't make you especially happy and your relationship with him is tiring at best. Why would you choose to stay together with him and not find a better lover if it weren't for the fact that you want to prove to yourself you are fine."
"I hate you."
"I'll accept this compliment gracefully." Yokoo took his mug. "You are staying tonight?"
"I should go home." There was still Eiji after all.
"If you really want to move on" Yokoo said slowly, as if weighting every word."Why don't you confess to Kitayama to get a rejection? Sometimes a straight out 'no' helps. A clean slate might be good for you."
"I don't have that courage. I am not a drama or manga character that grows with his life-experiences. I am just a plain human with no courage and fears as high as Mount Fuji."
"Why don't you become your very own hero and take the plunge?"
"I am a coward, Wataru. I am scared of the person I am and of the person I could become. I am scared of getting hurt. Don't expect anything remarkable of me in my private life."
"I think I have never heard you that honest. Hiro clearly left a deep impression on you."
"Oh joy." Fujigaya said sarcastically.
He left eventually, even though the thought of spending a few days at Yokoo's sounded kind of good, but there was his new drama and he never brought any clothes.
The next morning, he had one quick photo shoot with the band and then would leave to do the first role reading for his drama.
Fujigaya rubbed his eyes tiredly. Yesterday had drained him. Therefore, he almost bit on his tongue as Kitayama sat down next to him mid-yawn. Fujigaya made a note to never snap his mouth hurriedly shut.
To Kitayama's credit, he looked positively awkward as he sat next to him ramrod straight. Fujigaya could see Yokoo's eyes play ping-pong between them, till he lifted a magazine in slow-motion in front of his face and disappeared out of their version. Traitor.
"I'll come straight to the point."
Oh dear, Fujigaya wasn't sure he wanted the other to.
"Did Kenta say anything to you?"
"Eh, what makes you think so? He only said hallo." Fujigaya said with a laugh which hopefully didn't sound as awkward as he felt. He had to force himself to not squirm. Just great, yesterday had already qualified for the worst day in history. He couldn't have two of those. That was against the whole propose of something being the worst!
"Really? Both of you seemed off as you came out."
"I don't think so. Your judgement is not as good today. Nothing happened, moreover, shouldn't you rather ask your lover than me?"
"So something really did happen."
Fujigaya's eyes almost popped out of their socks.
"Did you listen to me at all?"
"I listened to you alright and I most certainly heard the defensiveness in your voice. It might have been over half a year, but you didn't change much in certain aspects." Kitayama certainly didn't look as awkward anymore as he first had as he sat down next to him. He looked rather confident now. Looking him right in the eyes, Kitayama challenged Fujigaya.
Baffled, Fujigaya looked back. It had been months since Kitayama last challenged him.
"So, what do you want to hear from me now?" Fujigaya challenged back and pointedly ignored the thrill racing up his back. He might have missed this.
"Maybe the answer to my question."
"Like I already said, we said hello like two civilized human beings. What? Being all over-confident? What do you think did happen? Lover and ex-lover started a war over you? Come on, you are not the only man walking the planet." Fujigaya lounged back on the couch and sent the other a cocky look.
"My bad, I shouldn't worry about you. I never learn it."
Fujigaya did not stare. He just looked at the other transfixed in shock. Just in case someone wondered.
"Ah right, worrying is a foreign concept." Kitayama teased and Fujigaya changed his look to a glare. That clearly was straight aimed at him.
"Didn't you misunderstand something here? Worrying isn't a foreign concept. I worry my fair share. There is nothing I need to learn about this."
"What do you still have to learn then?"
Fujigaya swallowed. How in the world did their conversation move into such dangerous waters?
"Nothing, I am a genius after all." He attempted, but Kitayama only sent him a long look.
"Oh really, I didn't know geniuses had issues with vending machines and got vexed when the damn things didn't accept a pencil as payment. Coins are something for us average folk, aren't I right?"
Fujigaya felt his ears getting hot.
"I don't know why I had a pencil in my wallet! I didn't ask it to be there."
"I am sure it wandered there itself."
"Having fun?"
"You need to ask?"
Irked, Fujigaya reached out and flicked Kitayama's little nose. Always a sure win.
"Not the nose!" The older one wailed and glared while covering his precious little friend.
"You asked for it."
"I did not!"
"You so did!"
"Don't blame me just because you don't know how to win without playing dirty."
"I don't play dirty! The nose is fair game."
"Well, if my nose is fair game..." Kitayama said with a mischievous grin.
Fujigaya squeaked as Kitayama let his fingers glide down the left side of his neck.
"That's definitely dirty!"
"Really?" Kitayama asked innocently.
"The neck is a taboo."
"Such a pity, it is the only way to make you sound girly."
"I am to 200 percent male. No doubt there. Don't even try." Fujigaya warned, but immediately frowned as he saw Kitayama trying to suppress a grin. "What?"
"To 200%? Didn't you overshoot the mark a little? Wasn't there something like 100% being the highest?"
"I know that, too. I just wanted to make sure." Fujigaya mumbled. Why did he always have to get busted?
"Airhead." Kitayama cooed.
Fujigaya already wanted to lurch a counterattack as they were getting called for their photo shoot. He felt himself being saddened by the interruption. Quarrelling with Kitayama was fun. It never hurt to lose to him. Rather, it blocked out the stress from work for a few minutes.
Okay really, who was he even kidding? He had already accepted he was head-over-heels. For a few minutes, he had been able to pretend the past half year never happened. He never split with Kitayama. They never got other lovers and most of all, Fujigaya never stopped being Kitayama's number one. Because he had been and he couldn't have it back.
The photo shoot was uneventful and Fujigaya didn't have the time to seek out anyone afterwards as he hurried into the van that brought him to his next appointment.
It wasn't long till his phone beeped.
Kitayama said he was glad he could raise your hackles. You were so gloom. He worries about you~ Watta
Fujigaya pondered that, but all he came up with was that Kitayama always worried about his band mates. Nothing special there.
I love him.
Fujigaya stared at the words for long minutes. He might have thought them secretly in his mind, but he had never openly voiced them. If he sent them, they would be out there. Yokoo was the wrong person. Back then, Kitayama had been dying to hear them, but Fujigaya had refused to even think them. They would have been the truth, though, Fujigaya mused and hit sent.
He tried to think back and remember the moment he fell in love, but there was none. Steadily, Kitayama had conquered bit after bit of his heart without him even noticing. Sneaky.
It was almost a blessing to be busy. His drama took up most of his time and whenever he did work with the group, he just popped in and right after had to leave. Hardly, he saw Eiji anymore either. The other had tried to have sex a few times at the beginning, but apparently, he didn't find it all that erotic to have sex with a knocked out person. It was alright with Fujigaya. He couldn't even get himself to be bothered by the fact that the other smelled of other men's cologne.
His nights kept getting shorter, but the cast as nice and he enjoyed learning new things. Nevertheless, he was happy when the filming ended and the last after-drama party was over. He would sleep twelve hours straight.
That was the plan, but it got changed with a message from Yokoo.
The group is meeting for dinner to hang out. We are getting introduced to Senga's ominous girlfriend.
So, it wasn't an exclusive meeting of the group. Lovers could be there, too. That was the hidden message. Fujigaya groaned. He wasn't all that much in the mood to face Sasaki again, but he hadn't seen the gang in a while and talked with them.
With a sigh, he texted Yokoo he would come and the other sent him the address. It was a nice bar with booths. Inside, he had to search a little, but in the end he just followed the laughter to find his group.
"He lives!" Nikaido exclaimed and Fujigaya clicked his tongue.
"Oh please, I am a paranormal being. I don't do something as mundane as just living."
"I am from Mars." Tamamori said calmly and winked at Fujigaya.
"How was drama filming?" Senga asked and Miyata made some room for him. Fujigaya felt himself relax, even though he was aware of the two people not belonging to the group.
"Great, but before I say anymore, don't you have someone to introduce to me?"
In mere seconds, Senga's cheeks had gone from skin coloured to bright red.
"This is Nana, my girlfriend."
Fujigaya had to smile. It was quite clear their youngest was absolutely besotted.
"Nice to meet you."
She almost choked on her greeting. Her eyes were big and it seemed sitting together with seven idols wasn't something she was used to.
"We don't bit." Fujigaya said calmly. "I think." He added with a sly smirk in Senga's direction. The other grumbled embarrassed some garbage and Nana laughed. The ice was broken.
Content with letting the conversation flow from there, Fujigaya lent back and just relaxed. He was tired, but it was really nice to watch his band mates. Miyatama were still draped over each other like it was second nature and like they weren't in public. Yokoo like usually wiped up the mess when someone spilled some beer without even looking and laughed while showing his teeth. Nikaido talked loudly and teased Senga about his girlfriend. Senga's features wavered between being ridiculously happy and incredibly embarrassed which resulted in him throwing paper napkins at his best friend. Fujigaya's eyes strayed towards Kitayama, but before his eyes reached him, they got stuck on a pair of eyes that watched him closely.
Sasaki Kenta watched him with a frown and didn't even look away when he caught him staring. Hectically, Fujigaya tried to come up with a way to react. It was difficult since Sasaki was really the last person he wanted to communicate with, but he had to react somehow. Eventually, he decided to just lift a questioning eyebrow to let the other know he had acknowledged him. Fujigaya seriously hoped that was it. Sasaki didn't stop looking and it really unnerved him. What did he want? Hadn't he already said what he wanted to say to him? Fujigaya was well aware of the fact, that Kitayama was taken.
It unnerved him so much that he couldn't even properly listen to his band mates. They called him good-naturedly a scatterbrain and told him to catch up on some sleep soon. At least, he had that excuse. When he couldn't bear Sasaki's prodding stare anymore, he got up to take a smoke outside. His band mates were used to it, took note and knew he would be back in a while.
Fujigaya considered his cigarettes outside and then lightened one. He knew they were bad for his voice, but stopping was so hard. He blew the smoke up into the already dark sky and massaged his temple. Maybe it had been a bad idea to come after all.
"Fujigaya-san..." Sasaki started behind him. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, that made him lose his tight control, but his voice was sharp as he interrupted the other before even finishing his sentence.
"Spare me. Whatever your issue is, it is not mine."
"It's not?" All amicable notions were gone from the other's voice. "Moreover, I just wanted to talk to you. You don't have to snap at me like that."
"Oh really? You don't want to tell me off again?"
"I wanted to ask you to answer in all honesty what your feelings towards Hiromitsu are." Sasaki struck his chin out in defence as Fujigaya glared at him.
"I thought I already told you, I wasn't looking for a second chance."
Liar
The word hung between them. His mind had thought it and Sasaki's eyes were clearly accusing him of it.
"You wouldn't be bristling like that if it wasn't true. We would probably be able to stand each other if we weren't rivals."
"You made me your rival yourself. I did nothing."
"Believe me, I don't want you to be my rival, not someone who is so close to him every day."
"Great, matter solved. I don't consider you my rival and you don't want me. Sounds to me like we are agreeing."
"It's not that easy." And suddenly Sasaki looked vulnerable and Fujigaya had to look away. He didn't want to feel any compassion towards him.
"You have no idea what it is like. Hiromitsu is trying so hard."
Fujigaya frowned.
"He is trying so hard to love me. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? He wants to only see me, but he doesn't. He is trying. I don't want him to try."
Fujigaya took a strong drag from his cigarette. They both wanted to be loved by one and the same person. Though, he couldn't fathom what it was like to be unloved by a lover and wanting it.
"I can't help you." He could say that maybe Sasaki was just seeing things and that Kitayama loved him for sure. He could, but he didn't, because he was selfish. He didn't have it in himself.
"You drive me so mad."
"I am doing nothing. What the hell is your issue?"
"My problem with you is exactly that. You do nothing. I basically gave you a declaration of war when we last met. You don't even react. You love him and do nothing even though you probably could have him back so easily. If something doesn't come to you effortlessly, you won't take it. Do you have any idea how defeated that makes me feel?"
"You want me to try to steal him from you?" Fujigaya asked incredulous. Sasaki buried his face in his hands, but Fujigaya had caught one last glance on his face and it made his blood freeze. The other seemed to be close to tears.
"I don't know what I want."
Uncomfortable, Fujigaya looked at his feet. He'd rather Sasaki didn't seem so utterly sad. They remained silent for long seconds.
"Can't you tell me at least honestly how you feel?"
Fujigaya blew out a deep breath. So far, Yokoo was the only one who knew and he had always been a private person.
"Kenta, we talked about this." Kitayama suddenly stood behind them and didn't seem to be all that happy to see them together.
"I am sorry. I know we did."
"Could you leave us alone for a second?" Kitayama turned to Fujigaya and he nodded. It was cowardly to just leave, but so much easier.
He went back inside and joined the merry group, even though he didn't feel all that merry. The other two took very long. Fujigaya kept watch of the clock on his phone and tapped his fingers nervously on the table top. Yokoo sent him a questioning look, but he only shook his head. He didn't want to talk about it. What was there even to talk about? Kitayama's lover was so insecure in their relationship that apparently he had come to him for reassurance. It almost pained him, but only almost.
When an hour had passed, he started to feel truly uncomfortable. Never mind that he felt the tiredness in his body and his concentration kept slipping. The minutes were wearing him down and eventually, he placed his head on Yokoo's shoulder and just shut down. Whatever was happening, he couldn't change it anyway.
Fujigaya jerked awake as he heard a loud laugh next to him. Kitayama sat at the table, but Sasaki wasn't there. He wasn't sure how to feel about it.
Leaning slightly closer to his best friend, he murmured into his ear.
"What happened?"
Yokoo only shrugged his shoulders to show he didn't know.
They sat together for a while longer, but eventually they called it a night.
"How do you get home?" Yokoo asked him.
"By cab, I didn't drive here."
Fujigaya caught one last glimpse of Kitayama before he left. Why had Sasaki not been there? They probably had fought, but had it been that bad or had they just needed some room to cool down. Fujigaya groaned. He knew himself good enough to know he was going to overanalyze the situation the whole night and how impossible it was going to be to shut his brain down.
The next morning, he had proven himself right. Something he could have done without. His coffee was as black as it could be as he shuffled into Kisumai's dressing room. The atmosphere was normal and he contented himself with it for now.
Thankfully, they only had a meeting first thing in the morning and looking mildly interested usually sufficed after he had just filmed a drama. He should be able to do that. They were discussing their next Busaiku show and if he didn't get first place, that was fine with him. It reminded Fujigaya of the deal he had had with Kitayama when they had been together. The one that ranked higher in the ranking decided what would happen during sex. For the first time, he wondered whether Kitayama had been disheartened with having to follow along with whatever he said. It had been rare for the older one to rank higher than him, especially in the beginning.
They returned to their dressing room and he kept wondering about it. Had Kitayama been annoyed by it? Fujigaya stared at their oldest member who sat down on the chair against which Fujigaya's bag was leaning. The other must have missed it. His feet carried him over before his brain had said hello and he sat down on the chair next to Kitayama.
The other stared at him slightly bewildered till he saw him reach for the bag.
"Oh."
"Where you ever frustrated?" They really shouldn't have this talk while Fujigaya was almost knocked out by one too many sleepless nights, but he also knew they wouldn't have this talk when he had enough strength to keep his defences in check. Moreover, things that were already totally screwed up couldn't get that much worse, could they?
Kitayama stared at him as if he had grown a second head.
"Are you sick?"
"No." Fujigaya answered blankly. "So, were you?"
"That you are even asking this."
"There must have been a lot then." Maybe he should have been more elaborate and told the other he meant the sex.
"Why are you asking me that today of all days?"
"Today is bad?"
Kitayama leant forward and placed his palms against his eyes with his fingers disappearing in his hair.
"Yes."
Fujigaya nodded. He had never wanted to talk about such things so he couldn't expect Kitayama to talk with him now.
The other sat up again and leant back in his chair.
"I am sorry Kenta kept approaching you."
"It's okay." Fujigaya shrugged his shoulders. In a way, they were in the same boat as much as it disturbed him.
"No, really, I am sorry. It must be my fault he was that obsessed with you."
Fujigaya already wanted to shrug his shoulders again as he repeated the words in his head for another time.
"Was?"
"He broke up with me yesterday. The matter is done."
It gave Kitayama's answer of today being a bad one a whole new meaning.
"Oh."
"For one I am too close for comfort, for the other too far." Kitayama laughed, but he wasn't fooling anyone. Seeing Kitayama having self-doubts, truly unsettled Fujigaya. He had been his always over-confident lover who never shied away from anything. Nervously, Fujigaya licked his lips.
"You are good the way you are." Those words were harder to say than they should be, but he actually managed to get them over his lips. Kitayama turned his head in his direction almost in slow-motion.
"You are the last person I want to hear that from." Kitayama said in a low voice and Fujigaya felt his heart skip a beat in shock. There was simmering something under the surface as their eyes locked. Speechlessly, he stared at the other, till Kitayama got up and left the room.
What had happened just now?
Yokoo hurried over to him immediately. Only then Fujigaya noticed that all his band mates had been ominously silent. They hid behind magazines or each other. Way to be subtle. At least they had all stuffed their headphones into their ears. One had to love them for that.
"What happened? It didn't go well?" Yokoo pulled out his earplugs and sat down in the chair Kitayama just vacated.
"I might suck at comforting people." Fujigaya admitted.
"You tried to comfort him?"
"Sasaki broke up with him."
Yokoo pressed his lips together and his mixed feelings were clearly visible. He didn't want Kitayama to be sad, but at the same time he supported Fujigaya.
"It's okay." Fujigaya soothed and patted Yokoo's arm.
"What did you say to comfort him that backfired so much?"
"I told him he is fine the way he is, but he said I am the last person he wants to hear that from."
Yokoo looked at him confused as if he understood this as much as he did, till his face slowly changed and recognition seemed to dawn to him.
"Mitsu might have put so much effort into being perfect for the two of you that he felt mocked by your reply."
"I never intended to mock him. Moreover, who feels mocked when getting comforted? And I believe he knows that relationships where you pretend to be someone else never work out."
Yokoo sighed.
"Taisuke, that's exactly it. He knows it. That's probably why your well-meant words were rather a slap in the face. He just had another break up. I imagine he is emotionally drained."
Fujigaya leant back and closed his eyes. Things were such a mess.
"It would be best if both of us just started completely anew. A clean slate." He said eventually without opening his eyes.
"Probably. In my opinion, the two of you have been dancing around each other enough."
"I'll do it then."
"Do what?"
"Get a rejection from Kitayama."
"You what?"
Yokoo almost shrieked and Fujigaya frowned and rubbed his ear. Blinking his eyes open, he sent a disapproving look towards the other.
"I'll go to Kitayama and confess my feelings. By how charged he is, it will be fast and done."
"I am not sure that is such a good idea."
"It was your idea." Fujigaya reminded his best friend and Yokoo looked really uncomfortable.
"I said it in the hope you would confess and for Mitsu to say yes, but the timing now is probably the worst. He just broke up with his lover."
"As I already said, I am not confessing to get him back. I am confessing to make a definite break. I think we both need it. I was glad our break up was amicable, but we need more than that. We have always needed the confrontation. It will hurt a lot, maybe both of us, but then it will be over and we will stop hurting each other with small things. It is like how I rather pull a band-aid off fast than slowly. It really hurts, but at least it is over."
Yokoo buried his face in his hands.
"Don't you want to wait a few more days till Mitsu feels a little better?"
"No, he will think I am nuts for saying this now. He will probably blow up in my face. It's the easiest that way. Moreover, dragging something painful out never makes it better but rather worse." He might not have the courage to do it later if he had time to think about it, but Fujigaya kept that to himself.
"I don't like it, but I understand what you are saying." Yokoo sighed. "Do what you think is right."
Fujigaya had no idea how to go about it, but there was one thing he definitely had to do: break up with Eiji. Never mind that they hadn't seen much of each other the past months, but they never really broke up. He kept trying to call the other during his breaks and because of it missed some great chances to talk with Kitayama. Eventually, he just wrote a text that he was breaking up with him. It was a douche bag move, but he was getting impatient and if Eiji didn't consider it necessary to answer at least one of his calls, he surely was busy with someone he was more interested in. It almost drove Fujigaya nuts when he waited and waited and never got a reply. Exasperated, he decided to talk with Kitayama after work no matter what.
In the end, he almost missed the other. Hurrying out of the building into the parking lot, Fujigaya ran to the place he knew Kitayama favoured for his car. He hoped he had managed to snatch a parking spot there today. When he saw a short figure walk in front of him, he both felt relieved and terrified. Now there was no pulling back anymore.
"Kitayama!"
The older one slowed and turned around.
"What do you want?"
Okay, Kitayama was still not in the best mood. Better to get it over with quickly.
"I love you." Fujigaya blurt out.
Kitayama stared at him blankly. Fujigaya buried his hands in his pockets and waited for any further reactions.
"There are jokes that are just not all that funny. If you want me to laugh, you better run before I am close enough to reach you and throttle you."
Precariously, Fujigaya took another step back. It would be an understatement to say Kitayama was mad. Well, he had taken that into account, didn't he?
"I am not joking. It's true."
"I knew you had sadistic tendencies, but I tell you, this is too much."
"I know this must sound like a bad joke to you, but love isn't something I wanted to recognise or something that makes me especially comfortable. Believe me, I only accepted it not too long ago."
"We barely had anything to do with each other. Honestly, I am sick of such games. Leave me alone."
Fujigaya bit on his bottom lip hard. He knew it wouldn't be nice, but he wanted the first confession in his life to be taken seriously.
"I really mean it. You are right, we didn't have much to do with each other the past months, but that is not when I fell in love anyway. I already loved you when we dated, I just didn't notice."
Kitayama had already started to walk away, but now he turned and walked towards him. If it was possible, his eyes would probably spark like fire.
"Enjoying the way someone fucks you isn't love. I'll take the compliment I sufficed. Let's end it there."
When he had told Yokoo it would really hurt, he had not suspected that it would hurt so much that he almost chocked on his suppressed tears. Why couldn't Kitayama at least believe him?
"I just want you to believe me. This isn't about sex."
"I can't." Kitayama turned and the set of his shoulders told Fujigaya it was unlikely he would turn another time.
Note: There are people like me that need a different ending. The alternativ ending is here
Therefore, he wandered around in the building when he didn't have work. He felt restless and he hated it, because it caused him to make mistakes and there was nothing he hated more than doing something wrong.
"You can go back. I am meeting Tottsu till we have the photo shoot." A voice suddenly said and Fujigaya stopped playing with the leaf of one of the big pot plants and spun around. "It's a pain to watch you."
"It's not your fault."
Kitayama lifted an eyebrow at him that showed he seriously doubted him.
"I had some trouble with Wataru." Fujigaya finally admitted. It had been weighting him down and Kitayama was the first one to address it. The older one pursed his lips and then pushed him to a small bench standing in the corridor.
"We shouldn't talk."
"You are telling me, we shouldn't co-exist?" Kitayama deadpanned and Fujigaya winced.
"No, I am not."
"Good, because if you did, I would have bad news for you. Duet loves us."
That brought a small smile to his lips.
"So, what did you and Wataru do? Because if you keep getting into trouble with even more members, who will you do fan-service with? Don't make the situation in the band difficult."
"Don't act all leader. It is not even official."
"I have dealt with enough shit I didn't necessarily have to, to have earned the title."
Fujigaya couldn't deny that.
"Wataru just keeps nosing around in stuff that doesn't concern him."
"That doesn't surprise me all that much. You consider everything concerning you no one's business."
That had been blunt. Had Kitayama always thought of him like that?
"I just don't like it when people butt into my love-life."
"Everyone has the right to make his own decisions, but don't you know those moments, too? When someone you are close to worries you and you want to help? Like when you want to protect your brothers? I don't know what the issue is this time around, but I know Wataru loves you like a brother and wishes to protect you just like that. It has always been that way and I think it is a good thing."
"I don't think Wataru loves me like a brother. We have sex regularly."
It set some things straight. He had no trouble replacing lovers. Fujigaya saw the pang of hurt in Kitayama's eyes.
"He cares about you. Either way." The other said shortly and looked away from him.
"I told you, it wouldn't be good to talk."
Kitayama sent him a dirty look.
"You are making it tough on propose."
"Look, we had a good relationship despite a lot of quarrelling and I am sorry you got hurt in the progress, but I don't do love."
"It will be painful one day when you find yourself alone." Kitayama said soberly and left.
Fujigaya rolled his eyes. Just because he didn't favour romantic relationships, didn't mean he was socially awkward. He had a lot of good friends.
The mood in the group was slightly awkward and Fujigaya figured even the younger ones had realized something was off. They didn't bother him, not even Senga.
Fujigaya lifted a brow as his best friend plopped down next to him one morning.
"Some people just don't know love, even if it bits them in the ass." Yokoo said.
"Some people just have to learn to accept other people's decisions." Fujigaya countered and Yokoo sighed defeated. The older one was usually the one to give up when they fought.
"I am free tonight. What about you?" Yokoo asked and Fujigaya nodded. Some sex would be nice.
Fujigaya kept looking out for a new boyfriend, but not quite as adamantly as he usually did. He blamed it on his work load. Therefore, he was still single when his phone rang some weeks later.
"Taisuke, it is me, Eiji."
"What in the world makes you think I would want to hear from you?"
"I know. I was a total ass to you, but I hoped we could at least talk?"
"Why?"
"I miss you and want to apologize. Please, give me a chance."
The other sounded sincere. Fujigaya hated situations like that. He hated to refuse an honest apology, but he also hated to accept one when he really didn't want to.
"9pm at the bar we first met tonight. Be late and I am gone."
Fujigaya hung up the phone without waiting for a response. He wanted to hear a good reason why he was supposed to forgive. Though, it had style to end their relationship once and for all at the place they had first met, too.
It were still five hours and he was already reconsidering his consent to meet the other. When he entered their dressing room, his eyes strayed to Kitayama. Since their last talk, the other hadn't tried to communicate with him if not absolutely necessary. It seemed he had truly hurt Kitayama. Might as well.
He had only ordered a beer at the bar. Fujigaya wanted to have his senses clear when he faced Eiji. The other had three more minutes to be on time. Fujigaya would leave on the spot without looking back.
"Taisuke, I am really glad you are here."
He sighed. It would have been too easy.
"Eiji."
The other sat down next to him and ordered a drink.
"You are kind of a romantic after all, aren't you? Meeting me here of all places."
Fujigaya sent the other a glare out of the corner of his eyes.
"Okay, sorry." Eiji smiled and nipped on his drink the waitress had brought.
"Let's come to the point, won't we?" Fujigaya simply said.
"I have to apologize to you. I was the worst and treated you in a terrible way. I know we agreed to do just sex, but that didn't give me the right to ignore your wishes and act like I didn't respect you."
Fujigaya wondered whether the other knew all his sentences had started with 'I' so far.
"I know there is no real excuse for behaviour like that, but there was a position I was working for and the promotion had been everything I had ever wanted, but due to personal favours I received a setback and my rival got the position. The night we met each other for the first time, I had been so set on drinking away all my disappointment, but then I met you. I know I really shouldn't have let my unhappiness out on you and usually, I never act like such an ass, but it happened and all I can do is apologizing."
Fujigaya moved uncomfortably on his chair. That reminded him a little too much of himself. The many setbacks as Kisumai struggled to debut. Hey!Say!Jump's debut before theirs. The way he had lashed out irrationally at the two oldest members and most of all, how easily they had forgiven him.
"I am so, so sorry, Taisuke."
"I know."
Eiji frowned at his unexpected reply and Fujigaya buried his face in his hands. "I know how that feels."
The other stopped short and then hurriedly leant towards him.
"Won't you forgive me then? Please Taisuke."
Fujigaya squirmed. Why was he in such a situation now?
"I want to try again. I miss you so much. Only when you had left, did I notice how much I lost. I know I should have noticed it earlier, though."
Fujigaya nipped at his beer and looked at the other out of the corner of his eyes.
"The second you feel I acted like an ass, you could just leave again."
Now, he would feel like an ass if he refused. Fujigaya truly hated situations like that.
"If I were to give you a second chance, I wouldn't be gracious." He said slowly as if he wasn't sure himself whether this was such a good idea.
"Okay!" Eiji immediately exclaimed and Fujigaya figured that if he were a dog, his tail would be waggling now.
"I'll dominate throughout the first week." He had to say something to stroke his ego. The other looked a lot less excited.
"With dominate you mean..." Eiji left the implication between them.
Fujigaya nodded decidedly.
"I top and you bottom." He hadn't topped properly in ages and it wasn't all that much fun to him, but it was about the meaning of it and if Eiji wasn't ready to do it for him, he wasn't worth another try. Even Kitayama had offered it to him and the older one really disliked it. Fujigaya had only accepted the offer once. Seeing Kitayama scared and vulnerable, had not been that arousing. Maybe, if they had implored the option a little bit more throughout, Kitayama would have come to enjoy it just as much as he did. Their fight for dominance had been of another kind, one of words and wit and more or less their foreplay.
Eiji thought about it some long minutes and Fujigaya waited. He was truly curious how much the second chance was worth to Eiji.
"Okay." The other finally said and Fujigaya was quite surprised. Eiji would go that far for him?
"Really?"
"Yes, I will bottom for a week."
"If you go back on your promise, I will be gone."
Eiji nodded even though he still seemed uneasy. Fujigaya could let it slide now that he had heard the other would do it, but he wanted proof.
He got proof that night. It was awkward for him to be back in that position and to miss the added stimulation to his butt. Maybe a week was too long? One should never underestimate a prostate during anal sex. Nevertheless, he pulled through all seven days and moved on top whenever they got intimate. It was perhaps not the right way to go about relationships, but he wanted Eiji to feel the vulnerability that position could offer and it also gave him some small satisfaction. If they had been looking for love from each other, it certainly wouldn't have worked out. Not with such thoughts in mind.
The first night after his week was over, made him feel apprehensive.
"I don't want it tonight." Fujigaya mumbled as Eiji reached for him and huddled up under the blanket. The other frowned.
"I did as you asked me to." The accusation was as good as suppressed as the other seemed to be able.
"I know and I will sleep with you, just tonight I..." Before Fujigaya had finished, Eiji sighed and growling rolled on his side to sleep.
Fujigaya breathed out relieved and loosened the arms he didn't notice he had wrapped around himself. He wasn't scared, just not in the mood. That was all.
The next day, he went about feeling ridiculous. There were more than enough people to prove he was not a virgin, but he had shied away just like he had at his first time. It didn't make any sense to him. He had even slept with Yokoo without a problem. Tonight, he would just pull through.
Just like he had predicted, Eiji tried again to have sex with him and he didn't resist.
"Why so tense?" Eiji asked after they were done. Fujigaya didn't know himself why he had not relaxed more even after it had become clear Eiji would be gentle.
"I am not used to it anymore." A little of a stretch.
Eiji hummed and accepted his explanation and they both went to sleep.
Fujigaya had to admit the other was quite someone else than when they first dated. They didn't go on dates directly. They didn't hold hands or were especially affectionate, but they lived comfortably next to each other and they had even worked out their sex life. Time passed and Fujigaya was content how things had worked out. There were times, where he still caught himself thinking about Kitayama, but he banned the older one mostly out of his mind and he was fine with it.
Nipping at his black coffee, Fujigaya watched Eiji curse at his computer. Filling another cup, he brought it to the other.
"You are awesome."
Fujigaya smiled slightly at the comment and watched amused as Eiji burned his tongue as he tried to drink too hungrily.
"It's hot, idiot."
Eiji grimaced and put the cup down.
"I noticed that now, too."
The other reached for him and pulled him on his lap.
"Don't you have to work on this?" Fujigaya asked and pointed at the computer.
"I do, but you will leave later and I can still work on this when you are gone."
It was always nice to be told he was important. Eiji pulled him into a kiss and it tasted like coffee. The other moved his hand through his hair and Fujigaya moaned. He had always loved hair play. Soon he felt a hand pull his on a bulge and he hummed. Eiji had wanted to get off the last few days more than usually.
"That much stress? Does this help?"
"Hell yeah." The other groaned as Fujigaya moved his hand under the underwear and stroke the other.
It seemed Eiji wasn't interested in returning the favour, but that was in his interest. He preferred to not get off shortly before he had to leave for work. It always made him feel sticky and uncomfortable. Working the other how he liked it, Fujigaya did a quick job of it and moved away after another quick kiss to get ready.
Eiji waved to him as he left.
Yokoo met him in front of the building, which was highly unusual.
"What's the matter?" Fujigaya asked as soon as he had reached his friend. Had something bad happened? The other seemed nervous.
"I have to warn you."
"Warn me of what?"
"Kitayama has a new boyfriend." Yokoo bit his bottom lip nervously and Fujigaya forced a laugh over his lips, even though he felt a little weird all of the sudden.
"Really Wataru? You know I have already been dating another man for five months, don't you?"
"I know."
"It doesn't matter to me who he dates. I am happy." The words were stale in his mouth and Fujigaya hated Kitayama for it.
Yokoo looked at him torn, but then nodded and they turned to go together into the building.
"You still haven't introduced your new lover to me yet."
Fujigaya nodded.
"I know, but he is very busy with a project at the moment. I will when he has time." He really should tell Yokoo it was Eiji he was seeing again, but it was easier not to. Especially, with the new turn of events.
His aim for the day: Being happily chipper without being obvious.
When they entered their dressing room, Kitayama's and his eyes met. The other seemed to consider him for a second and then looked away. Fujigaya was thankful, because of the sharp stab he felt. It wouldn't be good if they talked while he felt such strong animosity towards the other because of having made him feel. He hated it so much. Over the day, the other members clapped Kitayama on the back and the oldest complained about Miyata not keeping his big mouth shut. Fujigaya kept a close watch of the clock while he joked around with Senga and calmly ate lunch with Yokoo.
Fujigaya kicked his shoes off in the entrance and walked with fast steps into the living room. Eiji was sitting on the couch watching some senseless talk segment and Fujigaya pounced on the other. He certainly took his lover by surprise, but Eiji seemed more than happy to comply. Fujigaya had their clothes off in mere seconds and fussed their mouths together hungrily. He opened his palm where he had been carrying lube and condom since he got out of the car and rolled the latter on his lover. Eiji groaned at the fast pace he went at. Not wanting to waste any time, Fujigaya hurriedly stretched himself open with two fingers and after barely half a minute, sank down on the other's erection. Eiji's eyes almost bulged out of his head as he stared at him. Not liking it, Fujigaya rode the other hard and hugged his neck to not have to see his eyes. Eiji groaned and grabbed him by the hips. It was more than fine with Fujigaya for the other to take control and fuck him into the couch and then on the living room table.
His chest heaved after Eiji's hips stopped moving. Fujigaya stared unblinking at the ceiling while the edge of the glass table uncomfortably cut into the small of his back.
"Whatever got into you tonight, I hope it happens again." Eiji rasped as he pulled out of him. A sob slipped over Fujigaya's lips that he easily masked as laugh.
"Hopefully." His voice could be raw from the sex and Eiji seemed to think so as Fujigaya got up and went into the bathroom. The other didn't follow him.
Fujigaya stared at the man looking back at him through the mirror and he hit his fist on the basin as a few tears slipped over the flushed cheeks. He was mad, not mad at Kitayama, but mad at himself for feeling such stupid things. He got everything he ever wanted from a lover. Detached passionate sex, but he felt like he was physically hurting. It was over half a year ago that he had even kissed the other. What sense did his feelings make?
The man in the mirror let more tears slip and Fujigaya stared at him and wondered who the hell he was. Who?
An even face that could be considered beautiful or handsome. A tanned body with muscles. Their eyes met and Fujigaya looked away. He didn't like to look into eyes. He didn't like to see what other people were feeling.
He let himself sag on the floor so he didn't have to look. Moving hurt, but he had wanted it to be rough. He wanted the soreness. A lasting reminder of their passion and sex.
After work they would have sex everywhere in Eiji's flat every day. The gentleness the other had used when first touching him again decreased, but Fujigaya could care less. It suited him just fine to claw and pull at each other while they struggled for their release. Eiji didn't ask a second time why he was so different, but Fujigaya certainly wouldn't mention the topic again. They spent weeks like that and Fujigaya wondered whether there was still a flat surface in the flat Eiji could fuck him on they hadn't tried out yet. His muscles were sore and protested as he danced, but it reminded him a little of a throughout and satisfying workout. It made looking at Kitayama easier, because he was every second of his day reminded of the other man. The man that fulfilled all his expectations and didn't stir up any unnecessary feelings.
"I am not sure whether I should worry about you or not." Yokoo looked at him cryptically after practice and Fujigaya rolled his eyes.
"Isn't it my turn to worry about you?"
"I am a big boy." Yokoo said with a big grin and Fujigaya shoved him.
"You are sleeping." It wasn't a question.
"I am."
"And you are eating healthily."
"I am."
"So what is it that bothers me?" Yokoo seemed to be truly puzzled.
"Maybe you just search for something that isn't there. Wouldn't it be okay for me to be just content?"
"Yes." Yokoo said slowly. "But contentment isn't happiness."
"Nonsense, I like being content."
"Well, I guess it is okay."
"Good."
"When can I meet him? Your lover I mean."
Fujigaya was close to groaning. Yokoo was really set on driving him nuts today.
"He finished his project. I'll ask him tonight."
"Good."
He felt like a little boy being watched by his mom. Great.
Fujigaya drummed his fingers on the tabletop nervously. Maybe, it would have been better after all if he had told Yokoo he was meeting Eiji beforehand. Well, it was too late for that now.
"You are making me jumpy." Eiji put his hand over his and pressed his fingers flat against the surface.
"Sorry, Wataru is my best friend and when he meets my lovers he usually acts like a dad protecting his daughter." There he had said it, but Eiji only chuckled.
"It's going to be an interesting evening."
"Or just plain uncomfortable." Fujigaya added.
"We are happy with each other. No one can say anything against that."
Right.
Fujigaya moved his hand over his forehead and grimaced because of its dampness.
Yokoo came and the introduction was quite a bit awkward. Fujigaya could almost feel the questioning looks burn the side of his head.
They managed to eat the main dish, before Fujigaya received a well aimed kick under the table and Yokoo's eyes moved towards the toilet sign.
Giving in to his fate, Fujigaya excused himself. Yokoo followed him only a few seconds later.
"Tell me this is some fucking joke."
"I don't think you would find the punch line very funny."
His best friend almost growled.
"Fujigaya Taisuke..."
His full name was never a good sign so Fujigaya tried to save what still could be saved.
"Look Wataru, I have been dating Eiji for five months and we are fine. We talked about our problems and how we want our relationship to be and it works. I gave him a second chance and I honestly don't regret it."
"You can't be serious."
"I am. We had a tough start, but he is treating me very well and I enjoy our relationship."
Yokoo still looked uncomfortable.
"I don't like him."
"Good, because it is me, who is dating him and not you."
"I know, I know. I just want the best for you."
"I have exactly what I always wanted."
Fujigaya let Yokoo hug him and they returned back to the table. Eiji looked at them amused and Yokoo forced a smile. Fujigaya would be happy when it was finally over. Maybe they could skip dessert? Yokoo might have given in, but that never meant he approved.
Biting his lip, Fujigaya thumbed the folder with an offer for a new drama. It had a nice plot and there wasn't really any reason to refuse. His popularity would get a boost and he would surely enjoy it. Nevertheless, he hadn't agreed yet and Fujigaya moved his index finger over a small bruise on his forearm. It had formed after he had banged his forearm against the headboard in the throes of passion last night.
He needed to get a hold on himself and just do what he usually did. Work. Do the things he was supposed to.
His manager was relieved when he finally gave his okay, but Fujigaya didn't quite share his feelings.
"Eiji? Are you home?" Fujigaya asked after getting home. Silence greeted him and he decided to pamper himself a little. There was nothing better than a hot bath to relax. The warm water felt wonderful. He even treated himself to bubbles and he blew some over the warm water. Watching them drift, he leant back. Once he had bathed just like that and Kitayama had squeezed himself into the tub with him. Fujigaya had been so pissed. Especially, after the older one proposed to scrub each others' backs. Because really, how domestic and gross could one bear for one day? But in the end, Kitayama knew him too well and had sought out all his sensitive spots and pleasured him enough for him to tolerate the intruder. The other was such a sneaky person.
Fujigaya jerked as a noise disturbed him. Frowning at the rather cold water, he was glad his mother would never find out he had been asleep in the tub. She had always prevented that with all her might. He should call her sometime soon, though.
The door opened and Eiji looked at him.
"Hello there beautiful."
"You are back." It really shouldn't bother him by all the sex they had as Eiji now looked him up and down closely through the water. The bubbles had long dissipated. Something was wrong with his head.
Eiji stripped off his clothes and already wanted to climb into the tub with him.
"Ew! The water is cold."
Fujigaya shrugged his shoulders and got out. He dodged the other as he towelled himself and slipped into comfortable clothes.
"You tease me out of my mind and then you don't want sex?"
"I didn't do anything in particular." Fujigaya combed his hair and left the room. Eiji followed him naked.
"I am going to film a drama."
"Great, so now you don't want sex and we are not going to do it much the next three months either."
"I already told you many times that work stands above all in my books."
Eiji rolled his eyes.
"You'll probably just go and fuck with your co-workers again."
"I already told you many times that I do no such thing."
"At least sleep with me now then." Eiji pulled him closer and pressed their mouths together.
"I just bathed." Fujigaya tried to wiggle free.
Eiji kept pressing and made puppy-eyes at him, reminding him of the time they wouldn't see each other and Fujigaya started to feel guilty. He knew filming took a lot of time and when he was exhausted and beat from being filmed, he knew he wouldn't want to have sex either.
"Alright, but let's do it in bed this time."
Eiji grinned and pulled him into the bedroom.
It was one of those days where the shampoo bottle was suddenly empty and you hadn't bought a new one or where you bumped your toe against the doorframe before leaving for work. A day where everything went wrong. It was one of those days as he was sitting with Yokoo in their favourite coffee shop and two people strolled inside and Fujigaya knew one of them.
Kitayama saw them, too and waved. They came over and Fujigaya switched on his perfect idol smile.
"Hey." The oldest greeted and the other young man next to him nodded and smiled at them. "This is Sasaki Kenta, my lover and these are my two band mates Yokoo Wataru and Fujigaya Taisuke."
Yokoo's apprehension only showed through how his Adam's apple bopped, but his best friend easily made small talk and Sasaki Kenta was much too nice for Fujigaya's liking. He did his best to be social, but he was glad nevertheless when the two lovers moved to a table of their own.
"Sasaki-san is nice." Yokoo commented.
"Yeah, they are a cute couple." They looked striking together. There was no denying that.
Fujigaya's coffee didn't quite taste as good anymore and he felt the hairs in the back of his neck stand up constantly, but he didn't dare and turn. He knew they were behind him anyway.
"We can leave." Yokoo said gently.
"Yeah, I am done anyway. I'll just go to the toilet beforehand." Fujigaya left the table. He locked himself in one of the stalls and groaned. He couldn't overreact more, could he? Even Yokoo had noticed he had a problem with them being there. Now, he would have the other at his back again. Taking some deep breathes, he opened the stall door and walked to the basins to wash his hands.
It seemed someone had waited for him there.
"I really wondered how you were in real life." Sasaki commented while tugging his bangs in place. "How much would be facade and how much the real you.
Kitayama must have told the other about their previous relationship. This was promising to be an awkward and awful conversation.
"I am just me." Fujigaya answered for lack of anything better to say. Couldn't Yokoo enter and safe him? Even Kitayama would be fine.
"I guess so." Sasaki turned to look at him. They were about the same height. "I quite dislike you, but I think you deserve a warning."
Fujigaya blinked.
"You had your chance." The other said it calmly and unwavering as if stating a fact. It unnerved Fujigaya.
"I am not looking for a chance."
"Just as well." Sasaki smiled at him the same smile he had shown him earlier and left the room. False, it was a false smile. Why didn't he notice earlier?
He had to leave. Unerringly, he moved right back to their table, placed some money next to their mugs and dragged Yokoo away with him. They walked and walked. Walking felt good, it cleared his head and if he just thought about moving one foot in front of the other, he didn't have to think about other unnecessary things.
"Taisuke, it is raining." Yokoo's voice was still gentle and Fujigaya looked up at the blue umbrella being held over his head.
"Where are we?"
"We are not in Shibuya anymore or even close to it.
Fujigaya moved his hand through his hair and tried to orientate himself.
"Do you want me to get you home?"
He shook his head. He didn't want to see Eiji at the moment.
"Do you want to stay at my place?"
Fujigaya hesitated and then nodded. He wasn't in the mood to have sex with Eiji and somehow he knew he would have to if he returned to him.
"Come on, Taisuke." Yokoo wrapped an arm around his shoulders and waved down a cab. It was nice to move into the dry warmness and watch other people get wet in the rain. Moreover, the melancholy of water splashing down into the greyness was strangely comforting.
When they reached the other's flat, Yokoo gave him dry clothes and Fujigaya huddled up on the couch.
"I don't know why I am acting in such a way."
"You are in the situation you always wanted to avoid at all costs. It doesn't surprise me that you are out of it." Yokoo said from the kitchen and some minutes later came back with hot chocolate.
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean, Taisuke. I am talking about love."
"I don't have a broken heart. I am not in love." Fujigaya said over his mug and let the chocolately goodness cover his tongue.
"You have been walking around like a bat out of hell since you exited that toilet. Moreover, I wish I'll never have to see that look on your face again like the one you had when you first spotted Kitamitsu earlier."
"I don't want this."
"You can't choose what you want." Yokoo sat down next to him and patted his knee.
"What am I supposed to do now?"
"How about confessing?"
Fujigaya grimaced.
"I don't think so. Not only does Kitayama have a new boyfriend, but it has been too long."
"I am not sure he is over you yet." Yokoo said slowly, but Fujigaya rolled his eyes. Wasn't it clear the other had moved on?
"I know he has a new lover, but so do you and let's be honest, you don't feel a thing for Eiji, do you?"
"We match."
"Is that what you want? Someone you match with? I always thought you were the type that wanted someone who contradicts you, someone who can push you at all the wrong places."
"You are making me sound like a freaky masochist." Fujigaya sent the other a sidelong glance. Yokoo just shrugged his shoulders.
"It is not that unusual."
"Sasaki told me I had my chance." Fujigaya admitted.
"Then he did approach you." Yokoo exclaimed and then frowned. "He doesn't sound very confident to me."
"Believe me, he was very confident." Only thinking of the unwavering glance the other had sent him, made Fujigaya want to shiver. If someone asked him, it was quite clear to him, who went out of this conversation as the loser and it certainly hadn't been Sasaki.
"He felt the need to scare you off. In all honesty, to me it seems like he fears you."
Fujigaya pondered that. In a way, what Yokoo said made sense, but at the same time it was hard for him to imagine why Sasaki should fear him. The last time he had a proper conversation with Kitayama was so long ago, he couldn't even remember it.
"I just want everything to be over." He buried his face in his knees and Yokoo sighed.
"If you don't want to confess to him, why don't you move on then?"
"I already moved on."
"Oh come on Taisuke, Eiji is Kitayama's replacement. You don't love him, he doesn't make you especially happy and your relationship with him is tiring at best. Why would you choose to stay together with him and not find a better lover if it weren't for the fact that you want to prove to yourself you are fine."
"I hate you."
"I'll accept this compliment gracefully." Yokoo took his mug. "You are staying tonight?"
"I should go home." There was still Eiji after all.
"If you really want to move on" Yokoo said slowly, as if weighting every word."Why don't you confess to Kitayama to get a rejection? Sometimes a straight out 'no' helps. A clean slate might be good for you."
"I don't have that courage. I am not a drama or manga character that grows with his life-experiences. I am just a plain human with no courage and fears as high as Mount Fuji."
"Why don't you become your very own hero and take the plunge?"
"I am a coward, Wataru. I am scared of the person I am and of the person I could become. I am scared of getting hurt. Don't expect anything remarkable of me in my private life."
"I think I have never heard you that honest. Hiro clearly left a deep impression on you."
"Oh joy." Fujigaya said sarcastically.
He left eventually, even though the thought of spending a few days at Yokoo's sounded kind of good, but there was his new drama and he never brought any clothes.
The next morning, he had one quick photo shoot with the band and then would leave to do the first role reading for his drama.
Fujigaya rubbed his eyes tiredly. Yesterday had drained him. Therefore, he almost bit on his tongue as Kitayama sat down next to him mid-yawn. Fujigaya made a note to never snap his mouth hurriedly shut.
To Kitayama's credit, he looked positively awkward as he sat next to him ramrod straight. Fujigaya could see Yokoo's eyes play ping-pong between them, till he lifted a magazine in slow-motion in front of his face and disappeared out of their version. Traitor.
"I'll come straight to the point."
Oh dear, Fujigaya wasn't sure he wanted the other to.
"Did Kenta say anything to you?"
"Eh, what makes you think so? He only said hallo." Fujigaya said with a laugh which hopefully didn't sound as awkward as he felt. He had to force himself to not squirm. Just great, yesterday had already qualified for the worst day in history. He couldn't have two of those. That was against the whole propose of something being the worst!
"Really? Both of you seemed off as you came out."
"I don't think so. Your judgement is not as good today. Nothing happened, moreover, shouldn't you rather ask your lover than me?"
"So something really did happen."
Fujigaya's eyes almost popped out of their socks.
"Did you listen to me at all?"
"I listened to you alright and I most certainly heard the defensiveness in your voice. It might have been over half a year, but you didn't change much in certain aspects." Kitayama certainly didn't look as awkward anymore as he first had as he sat down next to him. He looked rather confident now. Looking him right in the eyes, Kitayama challenged Fujigaya.
Baffled, Fujigaya looked back. It had been months since Kitayama last challenged him.
"So, what do you want to hear from me now?" Fujigaya challenged back and pointedly ignored the thrill racing up his back. He might have missed this.
"Maybe the answer to my question."
"Like I already said, we said hello like two civilized human beings. What? Being all over-confident? What do you think did happen? Lover and ex-lover started a war over you? Come on, you are not the only man walking the planet." Fujigaya lounged back on the couch and sent the other a cocky look.
"My bad, I shouldn't worry about you. I never learn it."
Fujigaya did not stare. He just looked at the other transfixed in shock. Just in case someone wondered.
"Ah right, worrying is a foreign concept." Kitayama teased and Fujigaya changed his look to a glare. That clearly was straight aimed at him.
"Didn't you misunderstand something here? Worrying isn't a foreign concept. I worry my fair share. There is nothing I need to learn about this."
"What do you still have to learn then?"
Fujigaya swallowed. How in the world did their conversation move into such dangerous waters?
"Nothing, I am a genius after all." He attempted, but Kitayama only sent him a long look.
"Oh really, I didn't know geniuses had issues with vending machines and got vexed when the damn things didn't accept a pencil as payment. Coins are something for us average folk, aren't I right?"
Fujigaya felt his ears getting hot.
"I don't know why I had a pencil in my wallet! I didn't ask it to be there."
"I am sure it wandered there itself."
"Having fun?"
"You need to ask?"
Irked, Fujigaya reached out and flicked Kitayama's little nose. Always a sure win.
"Not the nose!" The older one wailed and glared while covering his precious little friend.
"You asked for it."
"I did not!"
"You so did!"
"Don't blame me just because you don't know how to win without playing dirty."
"I don't play dirty! The nose is fair game."
"Well, if my nose is fair game..." Kitayama said with a mischievous grin.
Fujigaya squeaked as Kitayama let his fingers glide down the left side of his neck.
"That's definitely dirty!"
"Really?" Kitayama asked innocently.
"The neck is a taboo."
"Such a pity, it is the only way to make you sound girly."
"I am to 200 percent male. No doubt there. Don't even try." Fujigaya warned, but immediately frowned as he saw Kitayama trying to suppress a grin. "What?"
"To 200%? Didn't you overshoot the mark a little? Wasn't there something like 100% being the highest?"
"I know that, too. I just wanted to make sure." Fujigaya mumbled. Why did he always have to get busted?
"Airhead." Kitayama cooed.
Fujigaya already wanted to lurch a counterattack as they were getting called for their photo shoot. He felt himself being saddened by the interruption. Quarrelling with Kitayama was fun. It never hurt to lose to him. Rather, it blocked out the stress from work for a few minutes.
Okay really, who was he even kidding? He had already accepted he was head-over-heels. For a few minutes, he had been able to pretend the past half year never happened. He never split with Kitayama. They never got other lovers and most of all, Fujigaya never stopped being Kitayama's number one. Because he had been and he couldn't have it back.
The photo shoot was uneventful and Fujigaya didn't have the time to seek out anyone afterwards as he hurried into the van that brought him to his next appointment.
It wasn't long till his phone beeped.
Kitayama said he was glad he could raise your hackles. You were so gloom. He worries about you~ Watta
Fujigaya pondered that, but all he came up with was that Kitayama always worried about his band mates. Nothing special there.
I love him.
Fujigaya stared at the words for long minutes. He might have thought them secretly in his mind, but he had never openly voiced them. If he sent them, they would be out there. Yokoo was the wrong person. Back then, Kitayama had been dying to hear them, but Fujigaya had refused to even think them. They would have been the truth, though, Fujigaya mused and hit sent.
He tried to think back and remember the moment he fell in love, but there was none. Steadily, Kitayama had conquered bit after bit of his heart without him even noticing. Sneaky.
It was almost a blessing to be busy. His drama took up most of his time and whenever he did work with the group, he just popped in and right after had to leave. Hardly, he saw Eiji anymore either. The other had tried to have sex a few times at the beginning, but apparently, he didn't find it all that erotic to have sex with a knocked out person. It was alright with Fujigaya. He couldn't even get himself to be bothered by the fact that the other smelled of other men's cologne.
His nights kept getting shorter, but the cast as nice and he enjoyed learning new things. Nevertheless, he was happy when the filming ended and the last after-drama party was over. He would sleep twelve hours straight.
That was the plan, but it got changed with a message from Yokoo.
The group is meeting for dinner to hang out. We are getting introduced to Senga's ominous girlfriend.
So, it wasn't an exclusive meeting of the group. Lovers could be there, too. That was the hidden message. Fujigaya groaned. He wasn't all that much in the mood to face Sasaki again, but he hadn't seen the gang in a while and talked with them.
With a sigh, he texted Yokoo he would come and the other sent him the address. It was a nice bar with booths. Inside, he had to search a little, but in the end he just followed the laughter to find his group.
"He lives!" Nikaido exclaimed and Fujigaya clicked his tongue.
"Oh please, I am a paranormal being. I don't do something as mundane as just living."
"I am from Mars." Tamamori said calmly and winked at Fujigaya.
"How was drama filming?" Senga asked and Miyata made some room for him. Fujigaya felt himself relax, even though he was aware of the two people not belonging to the group.
"Great, but before I say anymore, don't you have someone to introduce to me?"
In mere seconds, Senga's cheeks had gone from skin coloured to bright red.
"This is Nana, my girlfriend."
Fujigaya had to smile. It was quite clear their youngest was absolutely besotted.
"Nice to meet you."
She almost choked on her greeting. Her eyes were big and it seemed sitting together with seven idols wasn't something she was used to.
"We don't bit." Fujigaya said calmly. "I think." He added with a sly smirk in Senga's direction. The other grumbled embarrassed some garbage and Nana laughed. The ice was broken.
Content with letting the conversation flow from there, Fujigaya lent back and just relaxed. He was tired, but it was really nice to watch his band mates. Miyatama were still draped over each other like it was second nature and like they weren't in public. Yokoo like usually wiped up the mess when someone spilled some beer without even looking and laughed while showing his teeth. Nikaido talked loudly and teased Senga about his girlfriend. Senga's features wavered between being ridiculously happy and incredibly embarrassed which resulted in him throwing paper napkins at his best friend. Fujigaya's eyes strayed towards Kitayama, but before his eyes reached him, they got stuck on a pair of eyes that watched him closely.
Sasaki Kenta watched him with a frown and didn't even look away when he caught him staring. Hectically, Fujigaya tried to come up with a way to react. It was difficult since Sasaki was really the last person he wanted to communicate with, but he had to react somehow. Eventually, he decided to just lift a questioning eyebrow to let the other know he had acknowledged him. Fujigaya seriously hoped that was it. Sasaki didn't stop looking and it really unnerved him. What did he want? Hadn't he already said what he wanted to say to him? Fujigaya was well aware of the fact, that Kitayama was taken.
It unnerved him so much that he couldn't even properly listen to his band mates. They called him good-naturedly a scatterbrain and told him to catch up on some sleep soon. At least, he had that excuse. When he couldn't bear Sasaki's prodding stare anymore, he got up to take a smoke outside. His band mates were used to it, took note and knew he would be back in a while.
Fujigaya considered his cigarettes outside and then lightened one. He knew they were bad for his voice, but stopping was so hard. He blew the smoke up into the already dark sky and massaged his temple. Maybe it had been a bad idea to come after all.
"Fujigaya-san..." Sasaki started behind him. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, that made him lose his tight control, but his voice was sharp as he interrupted the other before even finishing his sentence.
"Spare me. Whatever your issue is, it is not mine."
"It's not?" All amicable notions were gone from the other's voice. "Moreover, I just wanted to talk to you. You don't have to snap at me like that."
"Oh really? You don't want to tell me off again?"
"I wanted to ask you to answer in all honesty what your feelings towards Hiromitsu are." Sasaki struck his chin out in defence as Fujigaya glared at him.
"I thought I already told you, I wasn't looking for a second chance."
Liar
The word hung between them. His mind had thought it and Sasaki's eyes were clearly accusing him of it.
"You wouldn't be bristling like that if it wasn't true. We would probably be able to stand each other if we weren't rivals."
"You made me your rival yourself. I did nothing."
"Believe me, I don't want you to be my rival, not someone who is so close to him every day."
"Great, matter solved. I don't consider you my rival and you don't want me. Sounds to me like we are agreeing."
"It's not that easy." And suddenly Sasaki looked vulnerable and Fujigaya had to look away. He didn't want to feel any compassion towards him.
"You have no idea what it is like. Hiromitsu is trying so hard."
Fujigaya frowned.
"He is trying so hard to love me. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? He wants to only see me, but he doesn't. He is trying. I don't want him to try."
Fujigaya took a strong drag from his cigarette. They both wanted to be loved by one and the same person. Though, he couldn't fathom what it was like to be unloved by a lover and wanting it.
"I can't help you." He could say that maybe Sasaki was just seeing things and that Kitayama loved him for sure. He could, but he didn't, because he was selfish. He didn't have it in himself.
"You drive me so mad."
"I am doing nothing. What the hell is your issue?"
"My problem with you is exactly that. You do nothing. I basically gave you a declaration of war when we last met. You don't even react. You love him and do nothing even though you probably could have him back so easily. If something doesn't come to you effortlessly, you won't take it. Do you have any idea how defeated that makes me feel?"
"You want me to try to steal him from you?" Fujigaya asked incredulous. Sasaki buried his face in his hands, but Fujigaya had caught one last glance on his face and it made his blood freeze. The other seemed to be close to tears.
"I don't know what I want."
Uncomfortable, Fujigaya looked at his feet. He'd rather Sasaki didn't seem so utterly sad. They remained silent for long seconds.
"Can't you tell me at least honestly how you feel?"
Fujigaya blew out a deep breath. So far, Yokoo was the only one who knew and he had always been a private person.
"Kenta, we talked about this." Kitayama suddenly stood behind them and didn't seem to be all that happy to see them together.
"I am sorry. I know we did."
"Could you leave us alone for a second?" Kitayama turned to Fujigaya and he nodded. It was cowardly to just leave, but so much easier.
He went back inside and joined the merry group, even though he didn't feel all that merry. The other two took very long. Fujigaya kept watch of the clock on his phone and tapped his fingers nervously on the table top. Yokoo sent him a questioning look, but he only shook his head. He didn't want to talk about it. What was there even to talk about? Kitayama's lover was so insecure in their relationship that apparently he had come to him for reassurance. It almost pained him, but only almost.
When an hour had passed, he started to feel truly uncomfortable. Never mind that he felt the tiredness in his body and his concentration kept slipping. The minutes were wearing him down and eventually, he placed his head on Yokoo's shoulder and just shut down. Whatever was happening, he couldn't change it anyway.
Fujigaya jerked awake as he heard a loud laugh next to him. Kitayama sat at the table, but Sasaki wasn't there. He wasn't sure how to feel about it.
Leaning slightly closer to his best friend, he murmured into his ear.
"What happened?"
Yokoo only shrugged his shoulders to show he didn't know.
They sat together for a while longer, but eventually they called it a night.
"How do you get home?" Yokoo asked him.
"By cab, I didn't drive here."
Fujigaya caught one last glimpse of Kitayama before he left. Why had Sasaki not been there? They probably had fought, but had it been that bad or had they just needed some room to cool down. Fujigaya groaned. He knew himself good enough to know he was going to overanalyze the situation the whole night and how impossible it was going to be to shut his brain down.
The next morning, he had proven himself right. Something he could have done without. His coffee was as black as it could be as he shuffled into Kisumai's dressing room. The atmosphere was normal and he contented himself with it for now.
Thankfully, they only had a meeting first thing in the morning and looking mildly interested usually sufficed after he had just filmed a drama. He should be able to do that. They were discussing their next Busaiku show and if he didn't get first place, that was fine with him. It reminded Fujigaya of the deal he had had with Kitayama when they had been together. The one that ranked higher in the ranking decided what would happen during sex. For the first time, he wondered whether Kitayama had been disheartened with having to follow along with whatever he said. It had been rare for the older one to rank higher than him, especially in the beginning.
They returned to their dressing room and he kept wondering about it. Had Kitayama been annoyed by it? Fujigaya stared at their oldest member who sat down on the chair against which Fujigaya's bag was leaning. The other must have missed it. His feet carried him over before his brain had said hello and he sat down on the chair next to Kitayama.
The other stared at him slightly bewildered till he saw him reach for the bag.
"Oh."
"Where you ever frustrated?" They really shouldn't have this talk while Fujigaya was almost knocked out by one too many sleepless nights, but he also knew they wouldn't have this talk when he had enough strength to keep his defences in check. Moreover, things that were already totally screwed up couldn't get that much worse, could they?
Kitayama stared at him as if he had grown a second head.
"Are you sick?"
"No." Fujigaya answered blankly. "So, were you?"
"That you are even asking this."
"There must have been a lot then." Maybe he should have been more elaborate and told the other he meant the sex.
"Why are you asking me that today of all days?"
"Today is bad?"
Kitayama leant forward and placed his palms against his eyes with his fingers disappearing in his hair.
"Yes."
Fujigaya nodded. He had never wanted to talk about such things so he couldn't expect Kitayama to talk with him now.
The other sat up again and leant back in his chair.
"I am sorry Kenta kept approaching you."
"It's okay." Fujigaya shrugged his shoulders. In a way, they were in the same boat as much as it disturbed him.
"No, really, I am sorry. It must be my fault he was that obsessed with you."
Fujigaya already wanted to shrug his shoulders again as he repeated the words in his head for another time.
"Was?"
"He broke up with me yesterday. The matter is done."
It gave Kitayama's answer of today being a bad one a whole new meaning.
"Oh."
"For one I am too close for comfort, for the other too far." Kitayama laughed, but he wasn't fooling anyone. Seeing Kitayama having self-doubts, truly unsettled Fujigaya. He had been his always over-confident lover who never shied away from anything. Nervously, Fujigaya licked his lips.
"You are good the way you are." Those words were harder to say than they should be, but he actually managed to get them over his lips. Kitayama turned his head in his direction almost in slow-motion.
"You are the last person I want to hear that from." Kitayama said in a low voice and Fujigaya felt his heart skip a beat in shock. There was simmering something under the surface as their eyes locked. Speechlessly, he stared at the other, till Kitayama got up and left the room.
What had happened just now?
Yokoo hurried over to him immediately. Only then Fujigaya noticed that all his band mates had been ominously silent. They hid behind magazines or each other. Way to be subtle. At least they had all stuffed their headphones into their ears. One had to love them for that.
"What happened? It didn't go well?" Yokoo pulled out his earplugs and sat down in the chair Kitayama just vacated.
"I might suck at comforting people." Fujigaya admitted.
"You tried to comfort him?"
"Sasaki broke up with him."
Yokoo pressed his lips together and his mixed feelings were clearly visible. He didn't want Kitayama to be sad, but at the same time he supported Fujigaya.
"It's okay." Fujigaya soothed and patted Yokoo's arm.
"What did you say to comfort him that backfired so much?"
"I told him he is fine the way he is, but he said I am the last person he wants to hear that from."
Yokoo looked at him confused as if he understood this as much as he did, till his face slowly changed and recognition seemed to dawn to him.
"Mitsu might have put so much effort into being perfect for the two of you that he felt mocked by your reply."
"I never intended to mock him. Moreover, who feels mocked when getting comforted? And I believe he knows that relationships where you pretend to be someone else never work out."
Yokoo sighed.
"Taisuke, that's exactly it. He knows it. That's probably why your well-meant words were rather a slap in the face. He just had another break up. I imagine he is emotionally drained."
Fujigaya leant back and closed his eyes. Things were such a mess.
"It would be best if both of us just started completely anew. A clean slate." He said eventually without opening his eyes.
"Probably. In my opinion, the two of you have been dancing around each other enough."
"I'll do it then."
"Do what?"
"Get a rejection from Kitayama."
"You what?"
Yokoo almost shrieked and Fujigaya frowned and rubbed his ear. Blinking his eyes open, he sent a disapproving look towards the other.
"I'll go to Kitayama and confess my feelings. By how charged he is, it will be fast and done."
"I am not sure that is such a good idea."
"It was your idea." Fujigaya reminded his best friend and Yokoo looked really uncomfortable.
"I said it in the hope you would confess and for Mitsu to say yes, but the timing now is probably the worst. He just broke up with his lover."
"As I already said, I am not confessing to get him back. I am confessing to make a definite break. I think we both need it. I was glad our break up was amicable, but we need more than that. We have always needed the confrontation. It will hurt a lot, maybe both of us, but then it will be over and we will stop hurting each other with small things. It is like how I rather pull a band-aid off fast than slowly. It really hurts, but at least it is over."
Yokoo buried his face in his hands.
"Don't you want to wait a few more days till Mitsu feels a little better?"
"No, he will think I am nuts for saying this now. He will probably blow up in my face. It's the easiest that way. Moreover, dragging something painful out never makes it better but rather worse." He might not have the courage to do it later if he had time to think about it, but Fujigaya kept that to himself.
"I don't like it, but I understand what you are saying." Yokoo sighed. "Do what you think is right."
Fujigaya had no idea how to go about it, but there was one thing he definitely had to do: break up with Eiji. Never mind that they hadn't seen much of each other the past months, but they never really broke up. He kept trying to call the other during his breaks and because of it missed some great chances to talk with Kitayama. Eventually, he just wrote a text that he was breaking up with him. It was a douche bag move, but he was getting impatient and if Eiji didn't consider it necessary to answer at least one of his calls, he surely was busy with someone he was more interested in. It almost drove Fujigaya nuts when he waited and waited and never got a reply. Exasperated, he decided to talk with Kitayama after work no matter what.
In the end, he almost missed the other. Hurrying out of the building into the parking lot, Fujigaya ran to the place he knew Kitayama favoured for his car. He hoped he had managed to snatch a parking spot there today. When he saw a short figure walk in front of him, he both felt relieved and terrified. Now there was no pulling back anymore.
"Kitayama!"
The older one slowed and turned around.
"What do you want?"
Okay, Kitayama was still not in the best mood. Better to get it over with quickly.
"I love you." Fujigaya blurt out.
Kitayama stared at him blankly. Fujigaya buried his hands in his pockets and waited for any further reactions.
"There are jokes that are just not all that funny. If you want me to laugh, you better run before I am close enough to reach you and throttle you."
Precariously, Fujigaya took another step back. It would be an understatement to say Kitayama was mad. Well, he had taken that into account, didn't he?
"I am not joking. It's true."
"I knew you had sadistic tendencies, but I tell you, this is too much."
"I know this must sound like a bad joke to you, but love isn't something I wanted to recognise or something that makes me especially comfortable. Believe me, I only accepted it not too long ago."
"We barely had anything to do with each other. Honestly, I am sick of such games. Leave me alone."
Fujigaya bit on his bottom lip hard. He knew it wouldn't be nice, but he wanted the first confession in his life to be taken seriously.
"I really mean it. You are right, we didn't have much to do with each other the past months, but that is not when I fell in love anyway. I already loved you when we dated, I just didn't notice."
Kitayama had already started to walk away, but now he turned and walked towards him. If it was possible, his eyes would probably spark like fire.
"Enjoying the way someone fucks you isn't love. I'll take the compliment I sufficed. Let's end it there."
When he had told Yokoo it would really hurt, he had not suspected that it would hurt so much that he almost chocked on his suppressed tears. Why couldn't Kitayama at least believe him?
"I just want you to believe me. This isn't about sex."
"I can't." Kitayama turned and the set of his shoulders told Fujigaya it was unlikely he would turn another time.
Note: There are people like me that need a different ending. The alternativ ending is here