Hard Hand to Hold - Eleven
Chapter Eleven:
“I can give you all you need, in spite of what you think you might believe.”
Ryo:
We went to see his play last night, Noeru and I. It was the last show - the only one Shige was okay with me seeing. He had been a nervous wreck in the hours before the first show and in between his anxious babblings he told me, “Come to the last show. I’ll be much more comfortable then.”
And he was. He was surprisingly comfortable, and confidence exuded from him as he delivered every line. It was a side of him I’d never seen before, a side that was tucked away before we met.
Koyama was there too. I imagine he was there for every show, cheering him on loudly at the end and continuing to be an undeniable source of comfort. His eyes were questioning whenever he looked at me. I know that he doesn’t trust me.
Once again I wish I could erase the past mistakes and stop being judged for them even after time has passed and thousands of wordless apologies have been made.
It wasn’t all made up of bad choices and wrong timing and periods of endless confusion. Some of the happiest days that I can remember happened during those months we were close.
But it seems people rarely concentrate on the good.
---
Two days later, when I send a text to Shige, he responds by saying that his is at home, sick in bed. I busy myself around my apartment, fixing things up here and there, but soon there is nothing to do and I find myself thinking about him again. As much as I hate it, I tell myself that Koji’s probably with him now and that my presence would be unwanted.
And yet, I can’t stand staying here alone any longer.
---
His mother is on the way out when I arrive, but she instantly welcomes me in and compliments me on 1 Litre of Tears over a cup of tea before leaving.
Somehow I’m not surprised when I arrive at the doorway to Shige’s room and find him alone. Rolling my eyes, I quietly pull a chair over to where he’s sleeping.
On the table next to me is a book that is longer than anything I’ve ever touched. I flip through it for a few minutes, reading a line here and there while being careful not to disrupt the page he has marked towards the middle.
Soon after I put down the book, he shifts a little, slowly opening his eyes and squinting at the light. When I reach over and shut off the lamp, the click startles him and I can’t help but laugh a little when he opens one eye, staring at me in confusion.
“Ryo?” he mumbles. “How long have you been here?” he manages to get out before coughing.
“Long enough to skim through this uninteresting book.”
He frowns. “You just don’t understand it. Anyway, why are you here?”
“You’re sick.”
“It’s not like I’m dying.”
“Even if you were, I bet he still wouldn’t be here.”
He sits up rather slowly but when I try to help him he shrugs me off. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“If he’s good to you, why isn’t he here?
He sighs and leans his head back against the wall rather exhaustedly. “Because he doesn’t want to get sick. It’s reasonable.”
“You always shrug it off like it’s nothing.”
He flinches at my harsh tone. “Why are you getting so angry?”
“You always say it’s great between the two of you yet you don’t seem happy. Why is that?”
He glares at me. “Did you come here to argue with me? If so, can’t it wait?”
“It’s not-“
“You act like everything you do or have done is heavenly compared to what he does yet what is this? He said when I feel better we would go out wherever I wanted, but he doesn’t want to bother me right now while I’m trying to sleep this off.”
My chest tightens when he looks away.
“I never tell you any of the good things he does because I don’t want to hurt you. I know you like me, Ryo. I know it hurts to see me with him. The reason I left you is because I wanted to be able to see you with someone else and be happy for you. Maybe you should do the same.”
“You want me to leave?”
He sits up straight and takes my hand, and it takes all the strength I have to calm down in order to not upset him again.
“Ryo, I don’t like hurting you. And Koji, too. He doesn’t like me hanging out with you so much.”
“Of course he doesn’t.” He lets go of my hand, though I’m not surprised at all. “What do you want, Shige? Be selfish for a moment. Don’t think of Koji or me or Koyama or anyone. What do you want?”
He glances up and meets my eyes, but stays silent.
“I’ll change the question then. If I hugged you or kissed you right now, would you dislike it?”
His eyes widen a bit in surprise and he moves away slightly when I sit close to him on his bed. “What?”
My heart pounds loudly in my chest as I cup his face with one hand. “Would you?”
“I said I don’t really want to date you, not that I’m repulsed by you. Of course I’m still attracted to you, but I’m with Koji.” He takes my hand and pulls it away from his face. “Even if it technically wasn’t, I know how it feels to be cheated on. I would never do that to him…so stop.”
I pull him close to me, closing my eyes into his shoulder, realizing all at once just how badly I want to be with him.
“I’m afraid leaving won’t do me much good.”
“Ryo…I-“
“Can’t, I know. Even if it never comes, I’ll wait for the day that you can.” He coughs and I run my hand over his back slowly. “Go back to sleep. Let me know when you feel better.”
And with that I leave. Not because I want to be away from him, but because there’s no longer anything else I can do.
---
Shige:
When I awake again, it is much later and my head is pounding, especially when I flip on the light. I feel around for my glasses on the table but instead my hand lands on something warm.
On the table is a covered bowl and a spoon on top of a piece of paper.
I’m sorry for arguing with you when you’re sick. It just seems people don’t say something is wrong until something happens that makes it hard for them to hide any longer. I don’t want what happened to Noeru to happen to you. I want you to be with someone who would never hurt you but it seems I misunderstood. You already have that.
As for what happened afterwards, I don’t want that to ruin things between us. I don’t want you to think you can’t talk to me.
I meant what I said. I’m here.
Take care of yourself, okay?
-Ryo
I remove the plastic lid off of the bowl and stir the soup before tasting it. Around the time I confessed to him, he made this soup and after telling him how much I liked it, I asked him to make it for me the next time I got sick. I suppose this was the first opportunity.
“You remembered something like this?” I mumble to myself before dipping the spoon into the soup once again.
End of Chapter 11
Twelve
A/N: I changed this so many times so it was a bit shaky, but I hope it was still enjoyable. ^^;