If Only I Had...Chapter 14
Title: If Only I Had...(Chapter 14/20)
Author: Yuki
Pairing: RyoShige
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Romance, Supernatural, Angst
Warnings: Violence/Abuse in chapters 1-6
Summary: Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things to live with and we always wish for a way to bring that person back. However, there are some times when that person is better off dead. After all, some reunions aren't always so sweet.
Previous Chapters:
( Chapter 1 )
( Chapter 2 )
( Chapter 3 )
( Chapter 4 )
( Chapter 5 )
( Chapter 6 )
( Chapter 7 )
( Chapter 8 )
( Chapter 9 )
( Chapter 10 )
( Chapter 11 )
( Chapter 12 )
( Chapter 13a )
( Chapter 13b )
Chapter 14: Black and White
Part One: The words I wish I said
Ryo:
There was one time that Jiro’s attempt to see Ara was successful. Around the time of Shige’s rehabilitation, he met Ara on a cool night around eight by the water not too far from her house. A crisp breeze came off the ocean and neither spoke for what seemed like an eternity.
“Why?” Ara finally said in a voice that was almost lifeless. She looked tired in more ways than one, but then again I hadn’t a clue if that was just normal for a woman nearing the end of a pregnancy. “Why can’t you let go of her?” Her glare was strong and her words were suddenly firm. “She’s going to die, isn’t she? Why would you want to want to be with her?”
Jiro’s fear was very clear to me and it took a while before he responded. “I want to be with her because she gives me happiness.”
“And then what? What will you do after she dies? Your happiness will disappear…don’t you see that?” Her strength dissolved with every word and emptied out with her tears.
It hurt him to see her like that. If only she had felt the way he hurt for her like I did, maybe she would have become stronger.
“Think of everything we’ve ever been through together,” she continued. “You’re willing to just give that up?”
Jiro took a deep breath when Ara’s voice dissipated into sobs. “I’ve been by her side protecting her. She might not be able to breathe and eat and live much longer, but even if our time together is going to come to a close, I want to stay by her side until that time. I want to feel the happiness I feel when I’m with her and squeeze it out until the last drop.”
By the look on Ara’s face I could tell that she didn't understand why Jiro wasn't coming back to her the minute she beckoned him with the finger he’s been wrapped around for way too long.
“Why do you like her so much more than you love me?” she said desperately as if she was running out of fight.
“That’s not it,” Jiro said with a voice that seemed to leave no doubts lingering in the air between them. “There was a time when I loved you. There was a time that we were together, but I moved on. When I was in the sky, I let you go. I came back here and I found someone that I love now. It’s not easy for me to leave you, you know that. After I met her,” he said and she looked up into his eyes. “I found happiness.”
How such a strong, controlling woman could appear like this is beyond my understanding. The only reason I can come up with is that he wasn’t the only one of the two whose emotions were connected to the other so tightly.
When I look at the two of them, Ara especially, I see a tower built from wooden blocks - the kind that children play with to see who will make it fall first. Each time a block is removed, the tower is less and less capable of standing up on its own. Before long, an unlucky child pulls another block and the tower collapses.
“I have to do what is best for me,” he said. “You took me in at such a young age, when fear and violence raged through our surroundings. You used to run up to me in your pretty dresses and tell me to have courage to go and do things. I was never able to do that, Ara. Whatever I did was always related to you because you were a sense of comfort for me. I want to be strong. I’m making a decision for myself, isn’t that what you have wanted all along?”
“Of course I want you to be happy but why can’t that include me?”
“If you cared about my happiness, you wouldn’t have tried to kill Asami.”
“I made a mistake, Jiro. I was angry but in the past, I helped you and we were together through everything. Now, once you’re fine, you’re dropping me and moving on to someone else.”
“It’s not just that. You never cared for me after I was revived. You only think of yourself.”
“But I have no one. She has so many others who love her, who make her laugh but who do I have? Please,” she cried. “Don’t leave me.”
Jiro placed a hand on her shoulder as she continued to beg him. “I still love you, Ara. So please don’t say things like that.”
The desperation in her eyes made me realize that even a woman whose hands are stained with sin and blood can desire redemption.
“I just can’t do this anymore.”
Those were his final words to her before he walked away and left her crying by the ocean. Sure, he returned to her house several times after that wanting to take her back and apologize, but he never caved and I think now he wishes he had.
Part Two: An Unexpected Death
Shige:
The cold air in the room nips at my bare skin when I awake to an empty bed. Instantly I smile, wondering about what Ryo is making this morning for breakfast, but the clanking sounds and delicious smells don’t exist today. The spot where his luggage had been is empty and there are a few bills crumpled up on the dresser.
Confused and slightly worried, I throw on some clothes and look around the rest of the hotel room thinking he might have decided to move his things early. The search is to no avail and I quickly rip out my cell phone and dial his number.
After a few monotonous dial tones, there is no answer. I don’t know why I am so worried, but after a minute or two my ringtone blares and it scares me out of unrealistic thoughts.
“H-Hello?”
“Shige.”
“Damnit, Ryo…don’t do that. Don’t disappear like this without telling me.”
“Sorry.” His voice is weak and I can hear the sound of water in the background.
“Where did you go?”
“I left.”
His short responses only leave me with even more questions. “Why would you leave?”
He coughs a few times and he sounds congested. “Things are bad, Shige…”
“Are you sick? Where are you?”
“I’m at Tei River, I think I caught a cold and well…there’s only one thing to do here and you know what that is.”
Tei River is where the dead are sent off immediately in order to ensure a safe passage into the sky. If a funeral isn’t occurring, there is no reason to go there so I knew immediately upon hearing the name that indeed something is wrong but I am afraid to ask.
“…Asami?”
“No.”
“What?”
“Ara,” he says and I almost drop the phone from my hand in shock. “She passed away last night due to complications during childbirth.”
“Oh my god,” I respond, not that I ever had a relationship with her other than one of hatred. Even so, death is death and I know how hard it is to deal with. Instead of dwelling on the fact that she passed away, I jump to the inevitable. “How is Jiro?”
He is talking to another person, probably one of the people facilitating the passing, who most likely thinks it is beyond rude to be on a cell phone at such a time. “That’s what I meant when I said things are bad. To top it all off, he has a daughter now.”
Death and birth are two extremes, like black and white or darkness and light. Black is always tied to darkness and death, while white is always tied to light, birth and happiness. But in this case, both occurred at the same time. With her death spawned a new life.
In a year from now, will people see this day as the child’s birthday or the day her mother died? It’s not so clear cut anymore, is it?
“He can’t take care of a daughter the way his condition is now, can he?”
“No, probably not. She’s at the hospital but I don’t know what he will do. He might put her up for adoption.”
“That might be best, but either way I’m coming back.”
“You don’t have to. I didn’t tell you so you wouldn’t be involved in this mess.”
“I have to send her off; you know it’s bad not to.”
“I know. I’ll see you soon I guess.”
*click*
At the time of death, a body is sent down Tei River and it is usually burned after it reaches the end. By that time, it is said that the spirit is no longer attached to the body and therefore the body no longer has any meaning. Funeral and sending days are crowded because, as I mentioned, it is considered disrespectful to not go and send the body off either before or after the actual ritual.
---
When I arrive at the river, I fight off memories of shrill cries and sobs I remember from Ryo’s sending and funeral. Ryo (or Jiro) is sitting by the edge of the river and is staring into the distance with a lost expression that reveals his identity.
He doesn’t acknowledge me when I approach him, but now that I am closer I can see two streams running down his cheeks.
“Jiro?”
“I’m in the mood to deal with you. I know you’re happy about it so please leave. You shouldn’t be here.”
I sit a safe distance away from him on the grass. “I would never be happy over someone else’s death, especially when that person is as important to someone as she is to you.” He looks into my eyes and I see myself from three years ago. “I was in your position, remember?”
He is silent for a few moments and I watch his quivering lip as tears run over it. “I just left her there. She wanted me to come back to her and I left her. I never got to say goodbye.”
Around the time of Ryo’s death, a certain quote always haunted me to no end. Never leave someone on a bad note and always tell him that you love him. You never know what fate has in store.
Sometimes at a funeral, a brother will say with tearful eyes that he was fighting with his sister before her death. A mother will say that she yelled at her daughter and never had the chance to apologize. Sometimes the last words are harsh and the opposite of how the person feels when it is too late to take them back.
At these times, the listener says “Oh, how sad,” but never believes that it will happen to him. Everyone thinks that they are invincible yet look at Jiro and me.
“Before Ryo died, he changed and I was actually angry with him for being so cruel. We fought, and the last thing he said to me was that he didn’t need me.”
“Well.” He winces. “He obviously regrets that.”
“I’m sorry. What I meant was that I know how it feels. But you have to continue because the past can’t be changed. There will always be regrets.”
“You shouldn’t be talking. He is back with you and you don’t have to worry about missing him.”
“There were three long years in between that, Jiro. It’s hard but it gets easier.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“Focus on your daughter.”
“I-I can’t take care of her.”
“Then put her up for adoption.”
He looks at me for a few moments as if contemplating what to do. “I want to go home first.”
When I turn to leave, he grabs my arm. “I don’t want to be alone,” he pleads and I truly realize how weak he really is right now.
“I’ll wait for you at the hospital.”
---
The sounds of babies crying resonate through the colorful hallway. When I reach the large window of the nursery, I look in and see several isolettes holding babies with innocent faces and wearing pastel colored clothing. The girls wear a light pink and the boys are dressed in a sky blue color.
In the second row, I see a sign in front with the name Nakahawa on it. She is absolutely beautiful and I can barely take my eyes off of her. It amazes me how such purity could have grown inside of a body that was plagued with such a hostile, depressed spirit.
Seeing a new life gives a sense of hope. That child will grow up and have her own personality, her own likes and dislikes, her own laugh and will someday fall in love.
In a strange way, this child belongs to Ryo as well. Will she have some of his traits? Will she look like him? And more importantly, will her adoptive family ever even realize the connection?
When I think about the word adoption, I think about how some children are never adopted. If news about Ara leaks and gets around, her chances of finding a family will be even slimmer.
I wonder what it would be like in an orphanage. Would her “firsts” be recorded in a book decorated with pink lace? Will there be anyone to differentiate her from the others or will she be just another face in the crowd?
With every bit of happiness comes sadness.
Giving up a child must be torture for a parent if it affects me, a spectator, as much as it does.
Part Three: If Not Now, then Later
Jiro:
As I step up onto the porch, I remember the night I told Ara about Asami. What if I hadn’t?
The house is almost exactly the way I remember it and every item has a memory of her attached to it.
Upstairs, there is a nursery with lavender painted walls. Inside is a crib, changing table, a mobile hanging from the ceiling and cute cartoon character pictures on the walls. I cannot describe in words the way this makes me feel, but all I know for sure is that pretty soon I won’t have any tears left to cry. I can’t live here.
In our bedroom on the neatly made bed is a videotape labeled “Jiro”. Frantically, I load it into the machine in the living room and the video begins.
She is sitting where I am now and I grip the material, thinking that it will make me connected to her somehow.
“Jiro, I have always loved you, ever since you were a cute little boy and we huddled together in the bomb shelters and kept each other warm. I never wanted to hurt you. When I brought you back, I thought you might have been sad there. When it turns out you weren’t, I denied it because I couldn’t accept that I hurt you. I wanted to start a family, but that is not what you want, and that has become clear to me.” A tear rolls down her cheek and follows the same path as mine. “I love our child and I would never do anything to hurt her, but I simply cannot continue living like this, Jiro. That is why I have decided to leave this world after our baby is born. I decided to kill myself the same way I ordered Ryo-san to be killed so that I somehow might be forgiven.”
Even if she hadn’t died naturally, she would have killed herself anyway. How did everything come to this?
“Please take care of our daughter. If I am allowed to ascend, I will watch over you until we are all reunited one day. Don’t blame yourself, Jiro. I love you and I always will. Please don’t forget that.”
For the first time in a while, she smiles like she used to. The big, bright smile that I fell in love with, that brightened even the darkest of hours. She finally came back to me on the day that she left me.
---
When I arrive at the hospital, Shige is there waiting by the hallway to the nursery. He smiles at me and at least I feel a bit of happiness through Ryo.
"I’m not putting her up for adoption,” I say firmly and his eyes grow wide.
“What? You said you weren’t able to take care of her.”
“So help me.”
“Me?”
“Why not?”
“I’ll do what I can to help, but are you sure about this?”
“Yes.”
---
She is a beautiful child, and we have named her Remi. Ara always liked it ever since she saw a little girl with that name. That little girl made her happy, so I hope that our child will stay true to the name and become someone that Ara and I will be proud of.
Part Four: A New Addition
Shige:
Remi is a month old now. When Ryo’s parents found out, they panicked at first but then offered to help because they wanted Ryo to be able to get some sleep at night. Unfortunately, they got more than they bargained for because I hear that sometimes when Remi isn’t crying, Jiro is.
Usually when I arrive at Ryo’s house after work, Ryo is conked out on his bed. At those times, I usually lie next to him and run my hand over his back, wondering how he is really feeling about all of a sudden becoming a full-time parent.
Apparently Jiro does most of the work. He feeds her, changes her and watches her at his house and when he gets frustrated from lack of sleep, Ryo takes over and comes back home and that is when his parents take over. They still have other things to do, however, and so I help them out as well.
I was worried about Jiro’s decision at first. In my eyes, he is too weak to take on such responsibility but it is not my place to tell him what to do with his own daughter. Thankfully, there are people who are willing to help him for Ryo and Remi’s sake.
When I think about it, Remi only sees only one person when she looks at her father and not two. Even when they switch, she has no idea.
Right now I am sitting here in his mother’s rocking chair, cradling her fragile body in my arms and feeding her a bottle. During times like these, I look at her and see a beauty I have never experienced in my entire life.
End of Chapter 14