If Only I Had...Chapter 13b
Title: If Only I Had...(Chapter 13b/20)
Author: Yuki
Pairing: RyoShige
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Romance, Supernatural, Angst
Warnings: Violence/Abuse in chapters 1-6
Summary: Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things to live with and we always wish for a way to bring that person back. However, there are some times when that person is better off dead. After all, some reunions aren't always so sweet.
Previous Chapters:
( Chapter 1 )
( Chapter 2 )
( Chapter 3 )
( Chapter 4 )
( Chapter 5 )
( Chapter 6 )
( Chapter 7 )
( Chapter 8 )
( Chapter 9 )
( Chapter 10 )
( Chapter 11 )
( Chapter 12 )
( Chapter 13a )
Chapter 13b: Hold On
Part One: A Bitter Taste
Shige:
I awake to yellow light shining brightly through red curtains and sounds of birds chirping outside of the window. The other half of the bed is empty but from the faint clanking sounds and smell of food lurking in from the other room, I can tell that Ryo must have woken up early this morning. After stretching, I sit up on the bed and see our formerly discarded clothes from last night folded neatly into two piles on the dresser.
I walk out into the main area and see Ryo leaning on the counter and nibbling on a slice of toast while reading one of the local brochures that were left on the coffee table.
“How long have you been up?” I ask and he flips a page.
“Long enough to shower, clean up and start breakfast. I was about to wake you up actually.” He looks up and smirks at my appearance.
As I walk over to the bathroom door, I can feel him watching me. “I was about to take a shower.”
“I can see that. When you get out we can eat.”
Memories of the night before sneak into my thoughts as the water softly runs over my back. I can’t help but smile remembering how it felt to be with him. It wasn’t just the fact that we had sex, but that there were no doubts in anything we were doing. Our feelings for each other are clear and there was no need to hide them nor water them down to avoid time limits or to conform to ideas for what would be “best”. In the moments before, during and after, I felt the tenderness of his love for me and I think I was the happiest I have ever been.
As I get dressed, I can hear Ryo talking to his mother on the phone. She must have worried about him and decided to call. It must be hard for her to let him out of her sight so much, especially with the instinctual thought that he won’t come home. I might not know exactly what she is thinking, but I do know that we both have a fear of losing him again.
When I step out of the bedroom in a pair of jeans and a light grey t-shirt, he is finishing up his conversation with a string of responses. “I love you too, Mom…okay…I will…goodbye.”
He slips his phone back into his front pocket and I wrap my arms around him and pull him close for a kiss.
“Good morning,” he says with a smile when I pull away. “Ready to eat?”
My stomach is completely empty and I feel like I can eat everything we bought yesterday but I cover that up for now with a simple nod. “How are you feeling?” I ask and clear up the question by running my hand down his back and past his hips to his backside.
“Don’t worry about it,” he responds and envelopes me in a warm embrace. I close my eyes against his shoulders and soak up the realization that once again we have an entire day together. “I slept so well last night,” he states. “Usually I wake up several times a night and it’s hard to fall back asleep but last night I was completely fine.”
“Speaking of sleep,” I begin and squeeze him one last time before stepping away. “Do I smell coffee?”
“Sit down, I’ll get you some.”
“You don’t have to wait on me, I can get it.”
“I want to,” he says firmly. “Sit down, okay?”
The sudden change in tone catches me off guard but I decide to ignore it and succumb to his wishes by taking a seat at the small jade colored table. Moments later he places a mug filled with black coffee in front of me along with a plate of food and I watch as he walks to the other side of the room and sighs.
“Aren’t you eating?”
“I did before,” he replies flatly.
I know something is wrong with him, so I go over and run a hand down his back. “What is it?”
“I knew this was going to happen.”
“What?”
“This.”
“Ryo, stop. Okay? What are you talking about?”
He leans a hand on the counter and turns to face me. “Jiro. He’s hurting about something, probably the fact that he hasn’t been with Asami for two days.”
My heart sinks. “Do you want to leave?”
“No,” he responds quickly and after a few moments I rub his hip softly.
“He’s hurting you, isn’t he?”
“Yes.”
“Maybe if he calls her?” I suggest and he takes out his phone.
“I guess. Eat, your food’s getting cold.” He presses a palm to my cheek with his unoccupied hand. “I’m sorry. I will be back, okay?”
He disappears into the bedroom and shuts the door and I sit back down to the plate of food that he made for me. The coffee is hot and bitter and the food smells and tastes delicious. Last night was like a dream. We sat at this same table and ate together and for a while I actually forgot about Jiro. I imagined a life where joking around, eating meals together and making love were normal, everyday occurrences. But this is the reality. When Jiro is around, Ryo is shut out of my life in the present and in the meantime I struggle to live off of memories of the past and tentative plans for the future. As I bring the mug up to my lips, once again the taste is bitter.
Part Two: Learning to Survive
Jiro:
I try not to think about last night as I look at the disheveled appearance of the sheets, but it is impossible. I cannot erase the fact that this body was fucked by a guy last night and I also cannot stop myself from feeling disgusted at the pleasure Ryo felt during it. It’s not like I didn’t think it would happen and if it was a girl it wouldn’t be as bad but a guy…I never want to be part of such a thing again.
The tips of my fingers easily find their way to the numbers that form Asami’s number and I wait patiently for her voice to appear.
“Ryo-chan?” she asks and I can hear a ruffling noise in the background.
“Um…no. Did I wake you?”
“Sort of.”
“Ah, sorry.”
I can hear her yawn and I wish I was there to see her. The sunlight shines on her when she sits on her bed and there is nothing more beautiful.
“It’s okay. I was going to wake up soon anyway. Isn’t this supposed to be Ryo-chan’s time though? Not that I don’t like hearing from you or anything like that, but I just thought-“
“I wanted to talk to you. How are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling great. It’s a beautiful day today but I hear it’s going to rain later. You?”
“As good as I can be watching those two. Listen, I’m sorry for waking you. Try to eat well today, okay Asami?”
“I will. I can’t wait to hear all the stories when you guys get home! I have some things to tell you too.”
Sometimes looking forward to something can give you all the strength you need.
“See you then, Asami.”
“Bye-bye Jiro~”
*click*
Whenever I say goodbye to her, in my heart I worry that it will be the last time. The disease is unpredictable; she can be feeling great one moment then bad the next. One thing I have learned from experiencing it myself is that we have to be happy whenever a simple How are you is met with a positive response.
Let’s be strong, Asami.
Part Three: Comfort
Ryo:
The pain has lessened significantly since Jiro talked to Asami on the phone. Just hearing her speak a few words in that gentle voice of hers seems to be enough for him. Even if it wasn’t enough and his pain continued to rip through me, I would endure it instead of leaving this place. Shige and I are happy here and I don’t want to end that. Whatever I have to do, I want to continue this happiness.
When I walk out into the main area, Shige must have finished eating because he is now at the sink focusing on scrubbing and rinsing the dishes. Moments later I am behind him, wrapping my arms around him and feeling the warmth of his stomach with my fingers.
“Everything okay?” he asks and I can feel the vibrations of his voice on my cheek as I lay against his back. I want to melt into this feeling of warmth and comfort until it is no longer something so unfamiliar.
“Mm,” I respond simply.
He switches off the water and fidgets a little but I don’t loosen my grip.
---
We’re walking around town, hand in hand, and every once in a while we stop to look at a vase or a jewelry box and listen to the merchants’ stories about their origins. Small children run around together and some are without shoes not because they are too poor to buy them but simply to experience the rawness of nature by feeling the warm pavement on their feet. In Akaso, that is a normal sight and it makes me wonder why this place is considered to be so different by teachers and older folks.
Part Four: Final Hours
Shige:
After walking by several restaurants, we decide to stop at one to eat lunch. It is a simple and comfortable restaurant run by a middle-aged couple. The blades of the ceiling fans twirl above us and pop music sounds from the speakers. After we order, I watch as the waiter leaves and walks back into the kitchen through a swinging door and suddenly Ryo kicks me under the table.
“What?”
He frowns at me. “I should be asking you that.”
“I was thinking about the first time we met.”
“At the restaurant?”
The waiter comes back and places two iced teas in front of us. “Yeah. You were working as a waiter.”
“I remember I was burnt countless times with that soup. The bowls were always way too hot.”
“It’s hard to imagine that was six years ago.”
He smirks and takes a sip from the iced tea. “You were staring at me that time.”
“You were new and I was curious.”
Memories of those times flash through my mind. I never would have thought back then that we would be where we are now even after everything.
---
On our way back to the hotel, it begins to rain. When we enter the hotel room, it is even colder now that we are slightly damp. We bought a few things after lunch. Nothing big, just a handcrafted doll with a flower patterned dress for Asami, a few trinkets for our mothers and other souvenirs for our friends. After dropping the plastic bags on the table, I tell Ryo that I want to show him something and lead him into the bedroom.
I kneel on the floor and dig through my luggage until I find a plastic case. Hiding it from view, I stand up once again and he looks at me expectantly.
“I saw a sign for this on my way home from work one day and I knew you probably haven’t gone into that section of town, so…”
He smiles immediately when I hold out the CD. “Did this just come out?”
“Yeah. There were only a few copies there so I made sure to pick it up quickly.”
He takes the Abichi CD in his hands and looks at the cover. It is a city at night that is lit up with several different colored lights. “You don’t know how badly I’ve been wanting to listen to a new album from them.”
He places the CD on the dresser and places his hands on my hips. “Don’t worry; I won’t do what I did with the last one.”
It takes me a moment to realize what he is talking about but then I remember that night I ran back to my house from Jiro’s and the recorded CD was in the case from the previous album I bought him.
“You better not.”
Thinking about it still hurts but I think we’ve reached a point where we can talk about it openly and easily.
“Thank you,” he says and kisses me softly. Afterwards, I reach into my bag once again and pull out a CD player.
“Do you want to listen to it?”
He doesn’t need to respond because I can tell by the eager way he rips open the plastic that my question was a stupid one. Just like we used to, he presses the CD into the player with a click and gives me one headphone bud to put into my left ear and he takes the one for his right. He lies down on the bed and drapes an arm around me when I rest my head on his chest. We listen to the guitars, drums and words about adding color to an ordinary life and I focus on the way his chest moves up and down in rhythm with his breath. He leans down and kisses the top of my head and I know that once again we have found happiness in something so simple.
---
The rain is hitting against the windows and I re-enter the bedroom after talking to my mother on the phone. Ryo is sitting on the window seat and looking out the window while listening to the CD for a second time. His back is against the wall and he is moving his head to the music and tapping his fingers against his leg to the beat. After a few moments, I sit on the floor, pull out my sketchbook and begin to draw him. He glances over at me once but just smiles and looks out the window once again. He must want me to continue because he stops moving so it would be easier for me.
---
The sound of thunder crashes through the room as we sit at the jade colored table and eat the dinner that we just made. He did most of the cooking and I chopped some of the vegetables. I dropped a few things along the way but somehow it worked out.
We are talking about things that happened on the trip as well as things from the past but throughout the entire conversation, the future is ignored. Not necessarily because we think things will get worse or not work out, but simply because we don’t know what the future holds. There is no point to planning and being disappointed when things change, so it is easier in the long run just to take things as they come.
These same general conversations continue as we wash the kitchenette area and put things back where we found them.
Shortly before we finish, I feel two arms wrap around me tightly from behind. “Shige,” he whispers into my ear and I shiver when he slips his hand under my shirt and touches my skin with cold fingers. “Let’s go to bed early tonight.”
Words like our last night and loneliness enter my mind but I decide to push them away when he begins to kiss my neck with warm lips. It’s an amazing feeling, one that I never want to lose, and before I know it I say “Okay,” in a whisper that is barely audible.
When we enter the bedroom, I pull back the red comforter on the bed and remove my shirt. Ryo turns down the air conditioning and flips off the light, causing the room to fall into total darkness.
“You didn’t turn on the light on the nightstand first,” I say and I can feel him stop near me and run his hands down my chest to my waist.
“It’s okay, we don’t need it,” he insists and quickly unbuttons and unzips my jeans before pulling them down along with my underwear. He runs his hands slowly over me as I proceed to undress him as well. I lay back onto the cold sheets whose color doesn’t even matter anymore. Nothing else in this room or this world has any relevance right now as he lies between my legs and kisses me. His tongue pushes against mine softly yet at the same time yearningly.
I don’t want to lose this, I think as he runs his right hand up my left arm and intertwines our fingers. I don’t want to lose the feelings of pleasure as we fall into a rhythm in the darkness. I want to forever feel his warmth on me. I want to wake up with him in my arms every morning.
I savor every moment, writing it into my memory so that I can remember it on a lonely night in the unforeseeable future. I can look back on it and remember a night that held no questions or loneliness but just passion, desire and appreciation; a night of companionship and connection.
When his pace quickens, I return to the present and focus on him, on us. He groans loudly and moments later I’m gone as well, our bodies shuddering at the feeling.
---
Some time later, he flips on the switch for the light near the bed and leaves to get a towel to clean up with. When he returns and we wipe ourselves clean, he lies next to me and smiles. “I don’t want to leave this place.”
“We’ll come back,” I say and I take his hand that is on my stomach and loosely wrap my fingers around it. “Sometime in the future, when things work out to our advantage, we’ll come here again.”
“I know. By that time we’ll be older and we can look back on these times. We never did get to see everything, after all.”
He kisses me and runs his fingers through my hair.
“I love you,” I say breathlessly when he has made his way down to my chest and he pulls away to look into my eyes. His lips curve into a slight smile but there is something else in his eyes, something that I’m sure can be seen in mine as well.
I’m going to miss him.
Part Five: Fear of the Future
Ryo:
He’s lying here asleep in my arms.
When I place my phone back on the nightstand, tears fall freely from my eyes and I have no power to stop them. Jiro’s pain is eating away at me and to tell you the truth, it’s not just his.
I don’t know how bad it is going to be when we get back and it scares me. Shige is sleeping innocently and I wish that the rest of the world didn’t exist as I tighten my hold on him and kiss the soft skin of his shoulder.
“I love you more than you’ll ever know,” I whisper into his ear. “I’m sorry for leaving like this.”
I lay him gently back onto the mattress, making sure his head is comfortably on a pillow, and I brush a few strands of hair away from his beautiful face.
The constricting feelings of loss and pain are strong in my chest as I hurry to slip on my clothes. I gather up my things quickly and throw on a sweatshirt because it will be cold. It is early in the morning and in about a half hour the first ferry of the morning will arrive.
After looking back at Shige once again, I leave enough money to pay for the room on the dresser and leave the hotel.
As I run towards the docks with my bag in hands, I hear the words from the phone call that will forever change the future.
We’re sorry, Tamahori-san. We did everything we could.
End of Chapter 13
A/N: I guess the ending ruined the overall happiness of this chapter :x Even so, I hope everyone enjoyed it anyway ^^; sorry for the fail almost-smut x_x