If Only I Had...Chapter 9
Title: If Only I Had...(Chapter 9/20)
Author: Yuki
Pairing: RyoShige
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Romance, Supernatural, Angst
Warnings: Violence/Abuse in chapters 1-6
Summary: Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things to live with and we always wish for a way to bring that person back. However, there are some times when that person is better off dead. After all, some reunions aren't always so sweet.
Previous Chapters:
( Chapter 1 )
( Chapter 2 )
( Chapter 3 )
( Chapter 4 )
( Chapter 5 )
( Chapter 6 )
( Chapter 7 )
( Chapter 8 )
Chapter 9: Contradictions and Understanding
Ryo:
Right now it feels like I am standing on a slick sheet of ice. I can’t even shuffle my feet the slightest bit without the risk of falling.
Everyday I discover new things that have been snatched from my fingertips. I am afraid to become attached to anything because in the back of my mind I fear that it will no longer be around when I search for it. In my very limited world, Shige is the one thing I can’t bear to lose. If I’m with him now, not only will my insecurities and contradicting feelings hurt him, but I am afraid he will grow tired of the limits that bind me and that is when I will truly lose him.
I know my words are harsh and hurtful but I can’t help it. He makes me crazy because when I see him I am torn between the things I truly want to do and the things I’ve decided I should do.
I’m looking at him now and the thought of him eating some expensive dinner prepared for rich couples is enough to dissolve any restraint that once held my words. Even though I made the decision to push him away, I haven’t discovered a way to feel indifferent about it. I can see the hurt on his face and I hate myself for being so selfish about my own survival that I would hurt the one thing that is keeping me alive.
Everything seems to contradict and that is the most frustrating feeling in the world. There is no understanding in contradictions. There is only increasing confusion.
Defeated, I hold my tongue and collapse into one of the folding chairs in silence. He hovers above me with his hand on my right shoulder. “I have two things for you,” he says to me.
I watch as he kneels down in front of me and takes out a black object from his front pocket. It is a long knitted glove that must have had the hand part cut off. He reaches for my right arm and turns it over to reveal the circular scars on my forearm.
“This isn’t you,” he says and rolls the cut glove over my arm so that it covers everything beginning at my wrist and ending at my elbow.
“You shouldn’t’ have to see it.”
He runs his hands down the glove and takes my hand in between them. I don’t pull away like I had before because I don’t want to. His hands are warm and soft like they always have been.
“I’m sorry about what I said,” I say with a shaky voice and squeeze one of his hands. “I can’t do this yet.”
Suddenly, his lips curve into the slightest smile and he lets go. “You don’t want me doing this. I know. I’ll leave once I give you this next thing.”
He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a small folded piece of white paper and hands it to me.
“It’s your turn now,” he says and walks away towards the exit.
I unfold the paper in my hands and drawn on the page is a dark blue ocean with a light blue sky above it that contains the kind of puffy white clouds that would be in any person’s description of the perfect day. I might not be skilled in judging art and it might be a simple drawing compared to his others, but I think it is beautiful in its simplicity.
I run my fingers over the two shades and I can only imagine the way he looked while drawing this.
Written in the corner are a few words:
Stop being grey, Ryo. I miss the way you used to be.
I press my forehead into my right hand and I cannot help the tears that pour from my eyes.
A few minutes later, I feel a hand on my left shoulder and when I look over I see Asami’s worried face.
“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
I wipe my face with the glove and shake my head. “No. I remember how I felt before it happened to me and I don’t want you to go through it alone.”
“You’ll never stop doing this to yourself will you?”
“Until I actually figure myself out, I just have to go with what I think at the time.”
If it was as easy as flipping a light switch, I would have happily done it already. I have to deal with a million emotions and questions all while trying to ignore the fact that Jiro is sitting back and enjoying watching me suffer.
Two weeks ago (the afternoon after Shige left for Akouku)
It’s one of the most beautiful days I have seen in a while. The sun’s rays beat down on me and warm my skin and moments later a soft breeze arrives just when the heat becomes uncomfortable. Everything is just as I remember yet it all seems isolated. Everything blends into what our eyes perceive as beauty yet it is all separated.
An elderly man says a polite “Good afternoon, Tamahori-san,” and we both bow before crossing paths.
I have to pretend like I’m not who I am. I’m wearing clothes I’d never wear and saying things I’d never say so people won’t suspect anything.
I take a detour and begin to walk along one of the four paths through Akaso Park that leads to a large rectangular concrete sitting area. I used to play here. Sometimes people would stop to listen or small children would put down their toy trains and clap along to the tune.
Sitting on the ground a few feet from where I am standing is a girl. She is wearing a brown knit hat over her short hair, a white t-shirt with an illegible saying on it and khaki pants. She doesn’t move but instead continues to sit there quietly with her eyes cast to the grey concrete.
I can’t help myself; I head towards her and squat down beside her wondering if there is something wrong with her.
“Are you okay?” I ask and she bashfully turns away.
“I’m fine, thank you,” she responds cutely.
In her hands she is grasping a CD case holding a white CD like the ones I used to buy at the corner drug store to record on. On its label is written:
Asami’s first CD! (There will be more~ ^-^)
“You’re a singer?” I ask.
She responds by covering up the CD in her hands. “I want to be. It felt cool to record this even if it was just in my bedroom instead of a studio.”
“Are you going to send it off to the mainland? If you’re any good someone might pick you up.”
“Nope. For now I want to stay around here and sing for the people I’ve grown up with. Singing is singing no matter where I am or how many people are listening.”
For a moment I remember how I used to think the same way.
She releases her grip on the CD and holds out her hand. “I’m Asami by the way.”
I shake her hand and hope that she doesn’t see the scars. I didn’t cause them, yet they are still mine.
“Jiro.”
“Do you want to listen, Jiro-san?” she says and opens her purse to reveal a white CD player.
“They still make that model?” I remark, remembering using the same one about five years ago.
She pops it open and inserts the CD with a click. “I’m not sure. I’ve had this one for a while. Money goes towards other things in my house.”
I shrug it off without further response, not wanting her to feel bad about her situation.
I press the headphones close to my ears and her soft voice sounds from them. Her voice is pure and almost angelic and as the song continues I realize that hers is the first song I’ve listened to in a while. As I listen to the raw sound of her voice, I want to take the melody she has created and make it more evident.
I’m not like Shige. My love for music never faded but instead I pushed it away into the deepest corners of my heart so that it would hurt less to live a life without it. I know once I pick up a guitar once again or even hear it playing on a CD, I won’t be able to live without it anymore. It’s not that my passion for music has faded; I am simply too afraid to accept it. I can’t lose it twice.
After the song ends, she looks at me expectantly - probably desiring some feedback.
“Your voice is good but isn’t it hard to sing without music?”
“I can’t play instruments,” she responds sadly.
“There are a lot of people around here who can.”
“I don’t know any.”
“I used to always hope to have someone sing along back when I played the guitar.”
“You stopped?”
I turn away in silence as I remember the feeling of absolute loss and anger I experienced when I handed over my guitar to someone else.
There is a long list of reasons and details but I don’t know her well enough to share them. Instead, “Yeah,” is all I say.
She nods and puts her CD player back into the white bag. “You must miss it.”
“More than anything.”
“Then why aren’t you starting it up again?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“I didn’t have any control over it.”
She laughs a little. “I know how that is. My whole life is like that.”
“What do you mean?” I ask and she smirks at me.
“It’s complicated.”
“There seems to be a lot of that going around.”
“That’s life, Jiro-san.”
One week ago
A week has passed since I met Asami and last night I realized my fear once again. For some reason, the gods love to tear things away from me at the exact moment a glimmer of hope or happiness appears inside of me.
Last night, we walked along the beach. She held her flat shoes in her hand and continued barefoot so that the cool sand slipped between her toes. Other than my time with Ara, this is the most time I have ever spent with someone in the past three years. Ironically, it is with the person I know the least instead of with the people I had left behind. Every once in a while she coughed but I thought nothing of it.
She told me about how her parents didn’t want her when she was born and that she is living with her aunt who is scrounging from paycheck to paycheck because of her. I didn’t quite understand what she meant when she said that, but I found out later.
I told her how my parents never really accepted anything I did and I began to really miss them with each word I said.
We continued to share small pieces of information about ourselves and suddenly she turned to me with a serious expression that I had never seen before.
She was hesitant at first but finally she said, “I’m sick.”
Obliviously, I asked her if she wanted to go home.
“No,” she responded. “I mean I have an illness.”
I thought she was joking at first but it turns out she was born with the same illness Jiro was born with. I didn’t know anything about it before she told me but according to her it is fairly common in the part of the world both were born in. Though he would never admit it nor would he ever be brave enough to face her, Jiro has liked her from the beginning. I know that is the reason he has been letting me see her everyday. After he found out about her illness, I could sense that he felt even more attached to her. In his world of cold hatred, she is someone who is going through what he went through.
Sadly, when I began to make the connections in my head, I realized the correlation between this illness and death. I asked her why she wasn’t resting and she told me that according to her doctor, she will only have this kind of strength for another month if she is lucky. Afterwards, she will have to rest all day.
The fact that she was so calm through the explanation stunned me. Her gentle voice wasn’t once tarnished with the anger I had felt in my final days.
“I have to be strong for as long as this body can handle,” she says as the soft sea breeze tousles her straight black hair. “For the time I have left, I want to sing, dance, talk - everything I will miss after I ascend.”
Truthfully, I didn’t know what to say. I regret the way I spent my last days and I wish I would have carried it out like she is. I wish I had enjoyed them happily and left everyone with that image of me.
“Jiro-san?” she says when I don’t respond to her.
It felt so wrong being called Jiro and even though I decided to hide my true identity from Akaso, I told her. She trusted me enough to tell me something about herself that most don’t know about and she told it to me using a name that doesn’t belong to me.
My explanation was brief and lacked the details involving the people I love. Just as I expected, it triggered a thousand questions. She was intrigued by it and I told her how happy the spirit world in the sky is, according to Jiro. It seemed to make her feel better.
She turned to me and took my hand. “Ryo-san, will you stay with me?”
“Hmm?”
“I know it is selfish, but I feel so alone.” Suddenly, tears were pouring from her eyes and I realized that her strength has its limits. “I feel like I can talk to you.”
“I’ll stay with you,” I said but in a way it felt like I was betraying Shige. I said I couldn’t be there for him yet I promised it to someone else. However, the way I am committing myself to Asami is nowhere near comparable to the way I need and want to be able to commit myself to Shige. I want to give all of myself to him without any broken fragments. I want to become someone he can rely on, and I haven’t reached that point yet.
Present Day
A few hours have passed and I’m walking with Asa along a road that people usually ignore. It’s much harder knowing that Shige is near and I still feel so helpless and trapped. I used to be confident but that confidence has been replaced by a string of insecurities that I can’t shake. I don’t even know who I am in the present let alone who I might become in the future. I don’t even know if I’ll have the chance - that is in Jiro’s hands.
“Ryo-chan, why did you cry?”
“No reason,” I say, not really wanting to talk about it because damn it, I don’t want this problem to exist anymore.
She pokes my shoulder gives me a look of disbelief. “Weren’t you happy to see your friend?”
“It’s not that easy.”
All of a sudden she appears in front of me and stops me in my tracks. “This is just a shot in the dark and I hope it is true because if it isn’t it will probably hurt your manly pride or whatever but…he isn’t just a friend, is he?”
I am silent for a few moments and we begin to walk again slowly along the path. “No.”
“I didn’t think so. I mean, he came back with a hot girl that some random guy thought he slept with and you got mad and somehow that led to hand holding, heartfelt apologies and you crying.”
I stop and grab her arm. “Didn’t you leave?”
“Where was I supposed to go? I’m not in the play and I didn’t want to bother anyone. Besides, he’s cute and I was curious.”
Somehow I’m not surprised.
“So? Why the tears?”
I sigh in defeat. I used to be secretive about what I’m feeling but with her I can say whatever without a judgment or worry that she will be hurt by it.
“Because I love him,” I say. “When we met a while back, it was obvious that we were both broken so we made a deal to find ourselves. And he was able to in two weeks. When I’m not feeling like I’m going to lose him, I feel like I’m not good enough anymore because I’m still wandering aimlessly throughout my limited life. I don’t know how to fix any of it and it’s killing me.”
She takes my hand and shakes her head accusingly. “I think you need to realize that he probably has the same fear that you do. The only difference is that he’s already lost you once.”
“Even so, I can’t give him what he deserves.”
She sighs. “Yes you can.”
“How? It’s not like I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want. I’m only allowed to be like this right now because I’m with you. Jiro doesn’t care about what I want to do. He just wants to see you.”
She stands in front of me once again and puts her hands on her hips like a child. “Jiro-san! I know you’re in there. Let Ryo-chan talk to Shige-san or I will never let it go when you come to the sky in the future!”
I can’t help my laughter. “I guess I should be lucky he likes you.”
“He listened?”
“I think I have some time.”
She smiles widely. “Wow, my persuasion skills are better than I thought.”
“Asa, why do you want me to do this so much?”
“You’ve been helping me and now it’s my turn. That way, I can say I did something good for someone before I have to go. I can’t do much, but I can try to give you the push you need.”
---
For once, I am happy I listened to Miya when she was talking about how great the play is going to be. She mentioned that Shige had agreed (or was maybe forced) to paint a design on the wall they will use for the set.
I’m standing in the back of the large theater and on the stage I can see him painting an intricate design on the bright yellow wall of the bedroom set. No one else is around and it is so eerily quiet that every step I take seems that much louder.
When I reach the first step to the stage, he finally notices me in surprise.
“What are you doing here?” he asks though the reason is obvious.
I stop a few feet away from him and the smell of paint fills my senses. “I came to see you.”
“And yet you didn’t want anything to do with me a few hours ago.”
He continues what he was doing and I wish he would just listen to me, though part of me doesn’t blame him after I said such cruel things today. “I told you I was sorry for saying that.”
“What do you want, Ryo?” he asks in a seemingly annoyed voice and passes me to wash the brush in a bowl of water.
All of a sudden I realize this going to be even harder than I thought it would be. “I need to talk to you.”
“So talk,” he says and he seems so distant as he washes and dries his arms and hands with a towel. The same feeling of fear rises up inside of me and I grab his shoulders. “You’re still mad, aren’t you?”
Moments later he takes my hands off of him. “I’m not mad.”
“I know what I said was fucked up but I apologized for it. I don’t know what else you want me to do.”
“I never know what to expect around you. I never know how long you’ll be around, what you’re thinking or what you’ll say. On top of that, you’re pushing me away. I’m trying to deal with it but it’s frustrating.”
This is exactly what I was afraid of and part of me wishes that I never came here.
I don’t respond out of sheer nervousness that I’ll say something stupid again so he continues. “You are including someone you don’t even know. Where do I come in?”
“She understands me,” I say and immediately I want to take it back.
“And I don’t?” he asks and I want to tell him that I’m sorry but those words aren’t enough anymore. “Was she with you when you cried over letting your parents down to the point where they almost gave up on you? Was she with you through every moment from the incredible highs to the unbelievable lows for three entire years? Does she know when you’re upset even before you shed a tear or know when to back away when you’re angry?” His voice cracks and his eyes are stained with tears. Once again I realize that I am hurting him.
“I meant that she won’t get upset when I tell her things that are eating away at me. You will. I don’t want that. I don’t want you to cry over me.”
I reach my hand up to wipe away a tear that is streaming down his cheek but he turns away.
“Like this is much better? You won’t allow me into your heart when you are in the darkest place I have ever seen you in. It hurts more than anything to miss you even though you are standing right in front of me.”
I lean against the wall behind me and slide down against it to the stage floor. I wonder if this is what hitting rock bottom feels like. “This is exactly why everything is so messed up in my life. Everything I do has some wrong attached to it.”
I can hear that he is crying but I don’t want to see it. After a few minutes, he kneels in front of me and wipes away a final tear from his face. Slowly and not without hesitation, he runs one of his hands down my arm. “Show me,” he pleads. “I want to know what you are going through.”
“I just told you.”
“All of it.”
I turn to the side and bite my bottom lip as I feel the last of my reserve crumble.
“Why? Why can’t you just leave it?” I ask even though I already know the answer.
He can’t, just like I can’t manage to push him away even though I’m afraid of what staying with him will do.
He leans closer to me and I can feel his warm hand on my cheek. I don’t want him to see me like this but it is becoming clearer to me that no matter how much I try to hide under the false pretense that I am okay, he knows me too well to believe it.
Moments after I turn to look at him, he maneuvers into a more comfortable position and kisses me. I return it with everything I have because I don’t want him to think that I don’t want a life with him because I do. I want him so badly right now that it is ripping me apart even further. He runs his hand over my right shoulder and down my chest to rest on my hip before moving from my lips to kiss a trail down to my neck. The feeling of the heat of his mouth on me is indescribable and I sigh as I clutch onto his shirt. As afraid as I am, I know that if there is ever going to be a chance for the two of us I have to do this. I drop my forehead onto his shoulder and a string of cusses escapes my lips before I pour out everything I’ve been hiding from him. The frustration rises as I confess everything, but I don’t stop. I don’t ever want to go through something like this again. The only things I leave out are the details about Asami. I shouldn’t tell people things she’s only told me.
---
I lean my head against the wall and Shige comes back with a bag of ice for my head because it feels like it has been hammered in. I don’t say much, I never do after something as embarrassing as what just happened. Shige doesn’t expect anything from me and instead he just leans against the wall next to me and very gently begins running his hand over my stomach.
In these moments I know he loves me. He understands exactly what I need from him and is never hesitant in giving it to me. He’s always been like that and even though I just went through every hardship I am dealing with in detail, I feel happy. I thought we had lost this but I was wrong. We might act differently around each other but at the very raw moments such as this one, we’re exactly the same.
---
Two bowls of steaming hot ramen are placed in front of us at a stand that just opened last week. We are both starving so we barely wait until it is cool to stuff the noodles into our mouths.
When I am finished, I place my hand on his knee and he looks at me with his mouth full.
“What is it?” he says once he swallows.
“Thanks,” I say but these words cannot describe how grateful I am. Though I still have not reached the point where I can commit to being in a relationship with him, I am thankful to have him in my life once again.
He smiles at me. “Anytime,” he says and reaches into his pocket. “I hope you can find something to play with this.”
He opens his hand and reveals a guitar pick with a large white “A” on it that I would recognize anywhere. “No way…”
“It’s from Miya. She caught it at a concert. She left it in your room but I went and got it for you since you can’t go back home right now. I was going to give it to you earlier but all of that happened.”
I take it from him and stare at it in awe for a few moments. “Damn, I love that girl sometimes.”
He covers my hand with his. “Well?”
I look into his eyes and smile. “I guess I have no choice but to find something to play with it.”
End of Chapter 9
A/N: I hope the beginning wasn't too confusing. ^^; Thanks for reading <3