My reflection -chapter 9, Ruki/Kai, Uruha/Reita
Author: yukigafuru
Title: My reflection
Chapters:10/?
Pairing: Ruki/Kai, Uruha/Reita
Warnings: lots of angst, manxman love
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: I am not connected to the real persons. This is just a figment of my imagination and I don't make any money nor profit in any way out of this (well, except gathering your love that is).
Summary: They are successful but are they really happy? Are there shadows lurking in the dark, just waiting for a chance to come out? What is happening with Ruki and how can Kai help? And what will this challenge for the two of them bring?
Chapter 9
“I see.” The doctor simply said. “For now, we will be intravenously feeding him and giving him the nutrients he needs. I need you to convince him to stay hospitalized for about four days though.”
Kai just nodded. Reita followed the doctor out of the room, deciding it was time he gave his lover a call. Before he went out he heard Kai telling him:
“Would you mind telling Uruha-kun to buy some red roses? Ruki will hate the dull hospital room when he wakes up.”
Reita nodded and was out the door. Kai continued to watch the vocalist sleep not knowing that Ruki had been awake for quite some time, precisely from the moment the doctor had come in. He had heard everything, about his disease, the hospitalization and Kai’s confession. He had been scared at first, so unbelievably scared and had refused to accept the doctor’s words. He had rebelled deep inside. It wasn’t true. He was perfectly fine. So he ate a bit less than everyone but… Kai’s concern had snapped him out of his denial. If Kai had noticed it and agreed with the doctor than maybe, just maybe Ruki was wrong. He had tried to kill himself after all. Chances were he wasn’t thinking properly. Was he crazy? Would he never recover? They’d tell his parents and the rest of the world would find out and they’d all think… Panic and excruciating pain were clutching at his insides because Ruki saw himself as a burden again. After all, they were deciding then and there who would take care of him. He needed a nurse, just like some invalid? No, he wouldn’t have that. What broke his chain of thoughts were Kai’s words. Kai wanted to take care of him. Why? Why would he burden himself with Ruki? And then, he heard the confession. Ruki’s world stopped moving, his heart started beating faster, suddenly the hand that gripped tightly his own became even heavier, his stomach was churning and his world was spinning and before his closed eyes he saw images of the two days they spent together and remembered fragments of their dialogue earlier, Kai’s desperation, trying to keep him from sleeping. The memory was hazy but it was there. He remembered Kai’s words. He could never hate him, to him he had never been a bother, she wasn’t his girlfriend… everything had been a lie. And now, he found out that Kai loved him. What about him? Kai deserved to be loved back, didn’t he? Was he a bastard for not even knowing about his own feelings?
When Reita came in he was relieved that he could concentrate his thoughts on his surroundings for a change and try to ignore the questions in his head.
“They’ll be here soon. They were really worried but incredibly relieved when they heard his life isn’t in danger anymore. Are you ok? You look like a car hit you.”
“I feel like that. It hurts so much. I just want him to go back to his grumpy annoying lovely cute self. I want him to eat properly and smile and be happy.”
“Will you tell him?”
“No. That would just push him into a corner. He’d think he needs to feel the same way and he doesn’t. I don’t want him to feel pressured at all. As long as he’s happy… I wouldn’t even mind him falling in love with someone else as long as he’s healthy and smiling and we sing together and joke around.”
Ruki was barely keeping himself from crying. Kai didn’t just care, he truly…
“It’s hard, you know? Loving someone from afar, not telling them how you feel.” Reita said.
“It was like that with Uruha-kun?”
“Yeah.”
“For now, I can’t even think about that. I just told the doctor in order to get him to agree. I didn’t want to say it to anyone, then there would be absolutely no chance for Ruki finding out.”
“Don’t you think it would be better if he knew? He’d feel loved. He’d get rid of those thoughts about no one loving him and needing him… That bastard did some heavy damage. Midori-san too.”
Kai tensed, guilt flooding in again.
“Yeah, if I knew who he was, I’d give him a piece of my mind although somehow I’m glad Ruki isn’t with such a bastard anymore. It’s just that the way things turned out… As for Midori, I don’t know what I’ll do when I see her.”
“You aren’t still serious about killing her, right? Earlier, you were pretty mad.”
“Right then and there I would have done it, you know. I calmed down a bit. Even if I did that, the damage done can’t be taken back. For now, I don’t want to think about that. I just need to help him get over the damage I’ve caused.”
“It wasn’t you, Kai-kun, don’t blame yourself.”
“It was. If only I had stayed with her.”
“He had anorexia before that. And you’d be miserable with someone like that. And Ruki wouldn’t be happy to see you sad. He cares about you a lot, you know? I think he doesn’t realize it himself just how much. Having taken all those pills, it was a miracle he didn’t lose consciousness five minutes after he took them. Only the thought of letting you down kept him from succumbing. I can’t imagine the will power it takes to do that. I know for sure that no one does that for anyone. It was because you were there that he held on. And from what I understand, before today he was trying to make you happy by eating, he was actually changing himself for you. Do you think he would have done that if he didn’t feel strongly about you?”
“I don’t want to hold hopes, Rei-chan. I appreciate it. But Ruki doesn’t need to bother about that right now. He just needs to be supported by us.”
“I’m sure he’ll be fine in no time, Kai-kun. Anyone with the will power to keep his conscience for fifteen minutes after taking more than half a bottle of powerful sleeping pills will definitely be fine in no time. I’ll leave you two alone for a bit now. I’ll wait for the others outside.”
Kai sank further into his chair, looking at the white clouds floating outside the window. He wasn’t fond of hospitals himself: the dull rooms, the smell of medicine and sickness, the sounds of suffering… When he felt Ruki move, he averted his eyes from the window. Ruki’s beautiful gaze rested on him, as if piercing into his very heart. Kai couldn’t move and he couldn’t breathe either. In that moment he was trapped in Ruki’s gaze, mesmerized by all the feelings that seemed to want to reach him and yet he couldn’t read them all. Perhaps he didn’t dare to.
“Kai-chan, I’m sorry.” Ruki suddenly said.
“For what, Ru-chan?”
“Doing what I did. It was stupid. I never meant to hurt you. I wasn’t thinking properly.”
“I won’t say it’s ok, Ruki, because it’s not. But you have to forgive yourself and…”
“You know you sound just like my mom right now, or a minister.” Ruki chuckled.
Kai couldn’t help the grin taking over his features either. God, it felt wonderful just to talk with him like this.
“Yeah, well… Who was the bad boy here?” It was still a joke but it contained a painful seed of truth. Ruki caught it immediately.
“Kai-kun, what did the doctors say?”
Ruki could feel Kai going rigid.
“You’re going to be just fine.”
“Kai, you’re a horrible liar. Now be a good boy and tell me everything he said.”
Kai resigned himself and summarized everything the doctor had said, not knowing that Ruki had already heard everything. So he was quite surprised to see the lack of reaction, or resistance. After a few seconds of silence there was only one question.
“Do you believe I have anorexia, Kai?”
Damn that Ruki. How was Kai supposed to answer? What was the right answer?
“Yes, Ruki.” After all, he was a horrible liar, Kai thought and settled for the truth.
Ruki didn’t reply. He was just staring at the ceiling, seeming completely absorbed in his own thoughts. This was where denial and resistance came, Kai believed. He’d argue he didn’t have any problems. He wasn’t underweight, he was fat actually. He didn’t need babysitting. He wouldn’t be a burden to anyone and especially to Kai. He wouldn’t stay in the hospital for a minute longer. Kai had already prepared himself to lead what he thought was an unavoidable battle but he was baffled when only silence greeted him.
“Ruki?” He tried.
“Yes, Kai-chan.”
“Don’t you have, anything to say?”
“You want me to deny it all, don’t you?”
“No, of course not, it just surprises me, that’s all.”
“If you think I have a problem and Rei-chan thinks I have a problem and the doctor says that I have a problem, then the odds are I have a problem, right? I trust you, Kai-kun, more than I trust myself actually.”
Now how was Kai supposed to reply to that if his heart wouldn’t stop tearing him apart? He couldn’t have picked a more perfect moment to fall in love, could he? And Ruki, in all his innocence just had to choose the moment when Kai was most vulnerable to make that statement, didn’t he? Kai didn’t want hope of his feelings being answered because he knew that was not the case. There was no chance. Ruki continued.
“You know, this morning I woke up happy. The happiest I’ve been in a long time. Those two days felt like a dream and I desperately wanted to make them last longer. And if I made you happy with me and then had a good practice, joke around with everyone, it would be like old times again, all the pain and sadness would go away. Thinking that, thinking about your approval, I didn’t even have to force myself to eat. It wasn’t as good as your cooking, though.”
“I’ll be sure to cook for you whatever you want from now on and you need to promise me to eat everything and not try to purge again.”
“I promise I’ll try, Kai-chan. You deserve that. I’m sorry for making you go through all this. I think it’s been harder on you than on me. Now, I don’t even know what I was thinking. I was being an idiot. Somehow I overlapped your image with his and then the pain came back again and this incredible weight in my head, as if I was slowly drowning. I might still have those thoughts even now, somewhere buried deep inside my head and I’m scared.”
“Who is he, Ruki?"
A/N: So, how is it? Just waiting to find out? Or not that interested? Hehe You know my policy about comments: absolutely positively love them and would like to hear your thoughts and opinions about this.Hugs
Title: My reflection
Chapters:10/?
Pairing: Ruki/Kai, Uruha/Reita
Warnings: lots of angst, manxman love
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: I am not connected to the real persons. This is just a figment of my imagination and I don't make any money nor profit in any way out of this (well, except gathering your love that is).
Summary: They are successful but are they really happy? Are there shadows lurking in the dark, just waiting for a chance to come out? What is happening with Ruki and how can Kai help? And what will this challenge for the two of them bring?
Chapter 9
“I see.” The doctor simply said. “For now, we will be intravenously feeding him and giving him the nutrients he needs. I need you to convince him to stay hospitalized for about four days though.”
Kai just nodded. Reita followed the doctor out of the room, deciding it was time he gave his lover a call. Before he went out he heard Kai telling him:
“Would you mind telling Uruha-kun to buy some red roses? Ruki will hate the dull hospital room when he wakes up.”
Reita nodded and was out the door. Kai continued to watch the vocalist sleep not knowing that Ruki had been awake for quite some time, precisely from the moment the doctor had come in. He had heard everything, about his disease, the hospitalization and Kai’s confession. He had been scared at first, so unbelievably scared and had refused to accept the doctor’s words. He had rebelled deep inside. It wasn’t true. He was perfectly fine. So he ate a bit less than everyone but… Kai’s concern had snapped him out of his denial. If Kai had noticed it and agreed with the doctor than maybe, just maybe Ruki was wrong. He had tried to kill himself after all. Chances were he wasn’t thinking properly. Was he crazy? Would he never recover? They’d tell his parents and the rest of the world would find out and they’d all think… Panic and excruciating pain were clutching at his insides because Ruki saw himself as a burden again. After all, they were deciding then and there who would take care of him. He needed a nurse, just like some invalid? No, he wouldn’t have that. What broke his chain of thoughts were Kai’s words. Kai wanted to take care of him. Why? Why would he burden himself with Ruki? And then, he heard the confession. Ruki’s world stopped moving, his heart started beating faster, suddenly the hand that gripped tightly his own became even heavier, his stomach was churning and his world was spinning and before his closed eyes he saw images of the two days they spent together and remembered fragments of their dialogue earlier, Kai’s desperation, trying to keep him from sleeping. The memory was hazy but it was there. He remembered Kai’s words. He could never hate him, to him he had never been a bother, she wasn’t his girlfriend… everything had been a lie. And now, he found out that Kai loved him. What about him? Kai deserved to be loved back, didn’t he? Was he a bastard for not even knowing about his own feelings?
When Reita came in he was relieved that he could concentrate his thoughts on his surroundings for a change and try to ignore the questions in his head.
“They’ll be here soon. They were really worried but incredibly relieved when they heard his life isn’t in danger anymore. Are you ok? You look like a car hit you.”
“I feel like that. It hurts so much. I just want him to go back to his grumpy annoying lovely cute self. I want him to eat properly and smile and be happy.”
“Will you tell him?”
“No. That would just push him into a corner. He’d think he needs to feel the same way and he doesn’t. I don’t want him to feel pressured at all. As long as he’s happy… I wouldn’t even mind him falling in love with someone else as long as he’s healthy and smiling and we sing together and joke around.”
Ruki was barely keeping himself from crying. Kai didn’t just care, he truly…
“It’s hard, you know? Loving someone from afar, not telling them how you feel.” Reita said.
“It was like that with Uruha-kun?”
“Yeah.”
“For now, I can’t even think about that. I just told the doctor in order to get him to agree. I didn’t want to say it to anyone, then there would be absolutely no chance for Ruki finding out.”
“Don’t you think it would be better if he knew? He’d feel loved. He’d get rid of those thoughts about no one loving him and needing him… That bastard did some heavy damage. Midori-san too.”
Kai tensed, guilt flooding in again.
“Yeah, if I knew who he was, I’d give him a piece of my mind although somehow I’m glad Ruki isn’t with such a bastard anymore. It’s just that the way things turned out… As for Midori, I don’t know what I’ll do when I see her.”
“You aren’t still serious about killing her, right? Earlier, you were pretty mad.”
“Right then and there I would have done it, you know. I calmed down a bit. Even if I did that, the damage done can’t be taken back. For now, I don’t want to think about that. I just need to help him get over the damage I’ve caused.”
“It wasn’t you, Kai-kun, don’t blame yourself.”
“It was. If only I had stayed with her.”
“He had anorexia before that. And you’d be miserable with someone like that. And Ruki wouldn’t be happy to see you sad. He cares about you a lot, you know? I think he doesn’t realize it himself just how much. Having taken all those pills, it was a miracle he didn’t lose consciousness five minutes after he took them. Only the thought of letting you down kept him from succumbing. I can’t imagine the will power it takes to do that. I know for sure that no one does that for anyone. It was because you were there that he held on. And from what I understand, before today he was trying to make you happy by eating, he was actually changing himself for you. Do you think he would have done that if he didn’t feel strongly about you?”
“I don’t want to hold hopes, Rei-chan. I appreciate it. But Ruki doesn’t need to bother about that right now. He just needs to be supported by us.”
“I’m sure he’ll be fine in no time, Kai-kun. Anyone with the will power to keep his conscience for fifteen minutes after taking more than half a bottle of powerful sleeping pills will definitely be fine in no time. I’ll leave you two alone for a bit now. I’ll wait for the others outside.”
Kai sank further into his chair, looking at the white clouds floating outside the window. He wasn’t fond of hospitals himself: the dull rooms, the smell of medicine and sickness, the sounds of suffering… When he felt Ruki move, he averted his eyes from the window. Ruki’s beautiful gaze rested on him, as if piercing into his very heart. Kai couldn’t move and he couldn’t breathe either. In that moment he was trapped in Ruki’s gaze, mesmerized by all the feelings that seemed to want to reach him and yet he couldn’t read them all. Perhaps he didn’t dare to.
“Kai-chan, I’m sorry.” Ruki suddenly said.
“For what, Ru-chan?”
“Doing what I did. It was stupid. I never meant to hurt you. I wasn’t thinking properly.”
“I won’t say it’s ok, Ruki, because it’s not. But you have to forgive yourself and…”
“You know you sound just like my mom right now, or a minister.” Ruki chuckled.
Kai couldn’t help the grin taking over his features either. God, it felt wonderful just to talk with him like this.
“Yeah, well… Who was the bad boy here?” It was still a joke but it contained a painful seed of truth. Ruki caught it immediately.
“Kai-kun, what did the doctors say?”
Ruki could feel Kai going rigid.
“You’re going to be just fine.”
“Kai, you’re a horrible liar. Now be a good boy and tell me everything he said.”
Kai resigned himself and summarized everything the doctor had said, not knowing that Ruki had already heard everything. So he was quite surprised to see the lack of reaction, or resistance. After a few seconds of silence there was only one question.
“Do you believe I have anorexia, Kai?”
Damn that Ruki. How was Kai supposed to answer? What was the right answer?
“Yes, Ruki.” After all, he was a horrible liar, Kai thought and settled for the truth.
Ruki didn’t reply. He was just staring at the ceiling, seeming completely absorbed in his own thoughts. This was where denial and resistance came, Kai believed. He’d argue he didn’t have any problems. He wasn’t underweight, he was fat actually. He didn’t need babysitting. He wouldn’t be a burden to anyone and especially to Kai. He wouldn’t stay in the hospital for a minute longer. Kai had already prepared himself to lead what he thought was an unavoidable battle but he was baffled when only silence greeted him.
“Ruki?” He tried.
“Yes, Kai-chan.”
“Don’t you have, anything to say?”
“You want me to deny it all, don’t you?”
“No, of course not, it just surprises me, that’s all.”
“If you think I have a problem and Rei-chan thinks I have a problem and the doctor says that I have a problem, then the odds are I have a problem, right? I trust you, Kai-kun, more than I trust myself actually.”
Now how was Kai supposed to reply to that if his heart wouldn’t stop tearing him apart? He couldn’t have picked a more perfect moment to fall in love, could he? And Ruki, in all his innocence just had to choose the moment when Kai was most vulnerable to make that statement, didn’t he? Kai didn’t want hope of his feelings being answered because he knew that was not the case. There was no chance. Ruki continued.
“You know, this morning I woke up happy. The happiest I’ve been in a long time. Those two days felt like a dream and I desperately wanted to make them last longer. And if I made you happy with me and then had a good practice, joke around with everyone, it would be like old times again, all the pain and sadness would go away. Thinking that, thinking about your approval, I didn’t even have to force myself to eat. It wasn’t as good as your cooking, though.”
“I’ll be sure to cook for you whatever you want from now on and you need to promise me to eat everything and not try to purge again.”
“I promise I’ll try, Kai-chan. You deserve that. I’m sorry for making you go through all this. I think it’s been harder on you than on me. Now, I don’t even know what I was thinking. I was being an idiot. Somehow I overlapped your image with his and then the pain came back again and this incredible weight in my head, as if I was slowly drowning. I might still have those thoughts even now, somewhere buried deep inside my head and I’m scared.”
“Who is he, Ruki?"
A/N: So, how is it? Just waiting to find out? Or not that interested? Hehe You know my policy about comments: absolutely positively love them and would like to hear your thoughts and opinions about this.Hugs