Longmire Fic Challenge
Here's a slightly cracky scenario that this challenge and a certain thread in scans_daily inspired.
... okay, more than slightly. It's a crossover, but we only see the YA'ers. Enjoy!
Everybody in the heavily modified Quinjet (modified to survive in an inter-dimensional void) was doing his or her level best not to look at Kate. The expression on her face was just too... smug. However, this being the Young Avengers, someone was bound to say something.
"So what about this Bart guy, huh?" Tommy finally snapped.
"He was so pretty, I felt like a lesbian," Kate purred.
Eli's hands gripped the controls. Hard.
"But it's not like you should care," Kate continued. "And Eli? Don't think I haven't noticed the way you're trying to choke the controls."
"Why did you do it?" Eli asked, turning to look at her.
"Because, despite this macho-man contest you two have going on, I'm really not interested in either of you." (In the back of the jet, Billy winced. Kate's voice had become frigid. Not the cold-anger kind, but the disdainful kind) "I've tried to be polite, I've tried to be nice, but you two idiots don't seem to understand those things. So we're on our first mission to another dimension. So we meet up with another team of young superheroes- each of whom is more experienced than all of us put together- and I meet a sweet, good-natured guy with enormous feet. If I want to find out if it's true what they say about guys with big feet, well, that's my business."
"So you nailed him!" Tommy yelled.
"You saw the size of his feet!" Kate snapped back. "How could I not? We're both legal! And before one of you forces me to shoot you for calling me a slut, I'm not the only one that snuck away for some 'private time,' I'm just the only one that got caught!"
"What?" Eli and Tommy both gasped. They scanned the others, and saw Billy and Teddy both turning red.
"Oh no you didn't!" Eli gasped.
"... Tim has a lot of gadgets..." Billy said weakly.
"... I don't have to worry about breaking Kon like a twig..." Teddy coughed.
"A twig?" Billy asked.
"... oh God. I didn't mean to imply-"
"What the hell do you mean, a twig?"
"Well, I- I..."
"Answer me, Theodore! Answer me, Theodore!"
"What, is that supposed to be a spell?" Tommy snickered.
"You stay out of this!" Billy yelled.
"Sorry, I can't. This is much too juicy. Teddy, are you saying that Billy and I have one and a half dicks between us- and I have the whole one?"
"You won't for long!"
"So I do!"
"DIE!"
Teddy and Vizh had to forcibly restrain Billy. Cassie went over to Tommy and started berating him. Eli glared at Kate.
"See what you've done?" he barked over the noise.
"Me?" Kate yelled back. "Since when have I been responsible for those two? Besides, it's not like I mentioned the Cassie-Vizh-Cassie threeway!"
Dead silence reigned in the Quinjet for sixty seconds.
"Oh shit," Kate moaned.
"What?" Eli yelled.
"Cass, Vizh, I am so sorry!"
"You mean you guys had a threesome with an amazon and didn't tell me?" Tommy shouted. "Some friends you are!"
[If we had told you, it would not have been a threesome] Vizh pointed out.
"Oh, that is just pathetic and you know it!"
"Cassie?" Eli asked his furiously blushing friend.
"... it was amazing," Cassie finally muttered.
A sudden horrible thought dawned on Eli. He reached over and hit Tommy's shoulder while his other hand tapped the control panel.
"What?" the speedster barked, irritated at the interruption.
"Don't you realize what this means?" Eli asked him.
"No, I don't realize-" Tommy's eyes bulged as he caught Eli's meaning. "No..."
"Yeah."
"No."
"Yeah."
"Oh, no!"
"Yes, Tommy."
"We're the only ones that didn't get laid!"
"Yeah. Glad to have you point that out to everybody, by the way."
"Turn this fucking jet around! Turn it around now!"
"Tommy-"
"I mean it! I'm a desperate man!"
"Tommy-"
"Come on, Eli! We'll never live this down! I mean, if Kate can bang that bony little Bigfoot, if Cassie and Vizh can get tied up by Lasso Girl, if Teddy can smoke the Super-Pole while my brother is getting buttfucked by the Bat-gadgets one room over-"
"Actually, we were in the same room," Billy pointed out.
"Actually, we were in the same bed," Teddy muttered.
"... anyway," Tommy continued in a strangled tone of voice, "there's no reason why we can't get some! Come on- where is your pride as a man?"
"I know," Eli nodded. "That's why I turned us around."
"You what?"
"Check the controls."
Tommy did just that.
"Oh. Think Wonder Girl's into boy-girl-boy threesomes?"
"If not, I've got the number of a heroine called 'Stargirl.' I hear she and her boyfriend just broke up, and she can do great things with this staff of hers..."
... okay, more than slightly. It's a crossover, but we only see the YA'ers. Enjoy!
Everybody in the heavily modified Quinjet (modified to survive in an inter-dimensional void) was doing his or her level best not to look at Kate. The expression on her face was just too... smug. However, this being the Young Avengers, someone was bound to say something.
"So what about this Bart guy, huh?" Tommy finally snapped.
"He was so pretty, I felt like a lesbian," Kate purred.
Eli's hands gripped the controls. Hard.
"But it's not like you should care," Kate continued. "And Eli? Don't think I haven't noticed the way you're trying to choke the controls."
"Why did you do it?" Eli asked, turning to look at her.
"Because, despite this macho-man contest you two have going on, I'm really not interested in either of you." (In the back of the jet, Billy winced. Kate's voice had become frigid. Not the cold-anger kind, but the disdainful kind) "I've tried to be polite, I've tried to be nice, but you two idiots don't seem to understand those things. So we're on our first mission to another dimension. So we meet up with another team of young superheroes- each of whom is more experienced than all of us put together- and I meet a sweet, good-natured guy with enormous feet. If I want to find out if it's true what they say about guys with big feet, well, that's my business."
"So you nailed him!" Tommy yelled.
"You saw the size of his feet!" Kate snapped back. "How could I not? We're both legal! And before one of you forces me to shoot you for calling me a slut, I'm not the only one that snuck away for some 'private time,' I'm just the only one that got caught!"
"What?" Eli and Tommy both gasped. They scanned the others, and saw Billy and Teddy both turning red.
"Oh no you didn't!" Eli gasped.
"... Tim has a lot of gadgets..." Billy said weakly.
"... I don't have to worry about breaking Kon like a twig..." Teddy coughed.
"A twig?" Billy asked.
"... oh God. I didn't mean to imply-"
"What the hell do you mean, a twig?"
"Well, I- I..."
"Answer me, Theodore! Answer me, Theodore!"
"What, is that supposed to be a spell?" Tommy snickered.
"You stay out of this!" Billy yelled.
"Sorry, I can't. This is much too juicy. Teddy, are you saying that Billy and I have one and a half dicks between us- and I have the whole one?"
"You won't for long!"
"So I do!"
"DIE!"
Teddy and Vizh had to forcibly restrain Billy. Cassie went over to Tommy and started berating him. Eli glared at Kate.
"See what you've done?" he barked over the noise.
"Me?" Kate yelled back. "Since when have I been responsible for those two? Besides, it's not like I mentioned the Cassie-Vizh-Cassie threeway!"
Dead silence reigned in the Quinjet for sixty seconds.
"Oh shit," Kate moaned.
"What?" Eli yelled.
"Cass, Vizh, I am so sorry!"
"You mean you guys had a threesome with an amazon and didn't tell me?" Tommy shouted. "Some friends you are!"
[If we had told you, it would not have been a threesome] Vizh pointed out.
"Oh, that is just pathetic and you know it!"
"Cassie?" Eli asked his furiously blushing friend.
"... it was amazing," Cassie finally muttered.
A sudden horrible thought dawned on Eli. He reached over and hit Tommy's shoulder while his other hand tapped the control panel.
"What?" the speedster barked, irritated at the interruption.
"Don't you realize what this means?" Eli asked him.
"No, I don't realize-" Tommy's eyes bulged as he caught Eli's meaning. "No..."
"Yeah."
"No."
"Yeah."
"Oh, no!"
"Yes, Tommy."
"We're the only ones that didn't get laid!"
"Yeah. Glad to have you point that out to everybody, by the way."
"Turn this fucking jet around! Turn it around now!"
"Tommy-"
"I mean it! I'm a desperate man!"
"Tommy-"
"Come on, Eli! We'll never live this down! I mean, if Kate can bang that bony little Bigfoot, if Cassie and Vizh can get tied up by Lasso Girl, if Teddy can smoke the Super-Pole while my brother is getting buttfucked by the Bat-gadgets one room over-"
"Actually, we were in the same room," Billy pointed out.
"Actually, we were in the same bed," Teddy muttered.
"... anyway," Tommy continued in a strangled tone of voice, "there's no reason why we can't get some! Come on- where is your pride as a man?"
"I know," Eli nodded. "That's why I turned us around."
"You what?"
"Check the controls."
Tommy did just that.
"Oh. Think Wonder Girl's into boy-girl-boy threesomes?"
"If not, I've got the number of a heroine called 'Stargirl.' I hear she and her boyfriend just broke up, and she can do great things with this staff of hers..."