Craving Touch - Chapters 1 - 6
As Chapter 8 is nearly ready to go, I decided that now was a good time to actually put the first 6 chapters up (I'll link to chapter 7 at the bottom of this post).
Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all of its characters are owned by Minekura Kazuya, her Japanese publishers, and Tokyopop. I only play with them for grins and giggles.
Craving Touch
by:
youkai_girl
Chapter 1
A/N: A little Hakkai ficlet, some slight angst, with a hint of Gojyo/Hakkai thrown in for seasoning. In case you’re wondering, I’ve never seen Hakkai touch anyone unless it was an emergency - Hakuryu/Jiipu notwithstanding. Yet Gojyo is always touching him.
0o0o0o0o0o
The one thing that Cho Hakkai missed more than anything else was touch. Believing himself to be worthless because of his crimes, the converted youkai tried to never touch anyone any more than was absolutely necessary. Of course, being a healer meant he had to touch people occasionally, but he never initiated contact otherwise.
Sanzo respected his unvoiced wishes, and rarely touched him. Goku was more problematic, as the young youkai touched everyone as often as possible. Gojyo, on the other hand, always touched him. A simple touch to make sure he was unhurt, or a friendly arm slung over his shoulder was agony to Hakkai, who craved touch but refused to give into the desire to touch and be touched.
0o0o0
Waking from sleep, Hakkai tensed as he felt himself held close to a familiar body. Strong, graceful hands slowly caressed him; not sexually, but instead in a very soothing, yet sensual way. Hakkai held himself taut, refusing to give into the urge to relax and enjoy the sensation of hands on him.
“Would you loosen up?” rumbled Gojyo quietly. “You know you can’t swindle me, Hakkai.”
Hakkai said nothing, understanding what the kappa meant. With a soft sigh, he slowly let his muscles unknot, allowing himself to be touched. And more importantly, to actually allow himself to enjoy the attention Gojyo gave him.
Gojyo caressed and petted him, letting Hakkai feel the heat from his body as they lay together. Each touch soothed the rawness inside Hakkai’s soul, and he drew a shuddering breath. A sense of calm stole over him as Gojyo’s hands stilled and drew him into an embrace.
Hakkai couldn’t admit how much these occasional moments with Gojyo actually meant to him. It was a peculiar form of love; Gojyo giving him the touches he craved, and for Hakkai to allow Gojyo to be the only one to relieve those cravings.
Turning in those arms, he caught a glimpse of startled crimson eyes that became pleased when he returned the hug. There was comfort here, in these arms, along with something else that Hakkai wasn’t sure he was worthy enough for, but wanted anyway.
Maybe…one day he would be able to tell Gojyo that.
Chapter 2
A/N: It seems Gojyo has something to say about this too. The one-shot has become a continuation. Who knew? Hints of Gojyo/Hakkai.
0o0o0o0o0o
Flicking his Zippo, Gojyo lit his cigarette, inhaling and feeling the first rush of smoke in his lungs. Stuffing the lighter into his pocket, the kappa leaned against the pillar of the porch of the inn the Sanzo-ikkou had stayed at the night before. Hakkai had put his foot down, and the group would be remaining here for another day - mostly to take care of “household” chores, such as laundry and supply shopping. Gojyo didn’t mind the break; there were a couple of pretty waitresses he could check out while he was in town…..
The cigarette suddenly turned to ashes in his mouth. The thought was habit, but he didn’t really feel like going out and getting laid. Not by one of those waitresses, anyway. Taking the cigarette out of his mouth, he hawked and spit, trying to get rid of the sick taste in his mouth.
“Yare, yare, Gojyo. What will the townspeople think of us?” asked Hakkai mildly, startling Gojyo with his silent approach.
“Heh, who cares what they think?” asked Gojyo with his usual grin, taking another drag from his cigarette. Turning to face his best friend, Gojyo ran an appraising eye over him, trying to judge his mood.
More relaxed, if anything, he decided. Yesterday, the healer had been practically vibrating from the tension in his muscles. Today, he was closer to whatever passed for normal for Hakkai. There were some shadows still around those green eyes, but there had been shadows there for the entire time Gojyo had known the converted youkai. His spending the night with Hakkai had done its usual job, it seemed. Satisfied for the moment, Gojyo blew out a smoke ring, playfully directing it towards Hakkai, knowing that the other man will call him on it.
“Gojyo?” asked Hakkai, waving the smoke away with a slight frown.
“It’s nothing. You gonna do the shopping?” Replied Gojyo, unable to keep the smirk out of his voice. Teasing his best friend could be fun - to a point. After that, you had to be careful, or that sharp tongue of his might take the skin right off you.
“Yes, the inn will do our laundry for us,” agreed Hakkai, pausing for a moment. “And Sanzo wanted to be alone.”
With a shrug, Gojyo pushed himself upright. “I’ll go along then, give you a hand. I sure don’t want to hang around with the shitty monk being all pissy.”
They left, Gojyo falling in a step behind to watch over his friend. It seemed that the time he’d spent with Hakkai last night really had paid off. The healer was about as relaxed as he ever was, though still going out of his way to not be touched by anyone - Gojyo included. The hanyou sighed, it was always like this.
He didn’t understand how anyone could not want to be touched. Gojyo knew he was a sensualist - he loved to touch and be touched. That was the reason he fought with Goku in the jeep, slung an arm over the pissy monk’s shoulder whenever he got the chance, and flirted with pretty girls along the way. He couldn’t stand to not be touched.
Which is why he used any excuse to touch Hakkai. Gojyo couldn’t stand to see what his best friend was doing to himself by denying himself touch. He turned into a tight, tense wreck that snipped at everyone - while pretending to be perfectly fine and dandy. At least, that’s how it started out.
Now…now he just wanted to touch Hakkai for the sake of touching Hakkai. It was an addiction; like needing a cigarette. He was starting to crave touching Hakkai. Even now, his hands itched with the need to reach out and touch that smooth, pale skin. To feel the silky softness of that rich brown hair running through his fingers. He wondered, briefly, what Hakkai’s lips tasted like.
The thought brought Gojyo up short. What the fuck? He did not just think that. His eyes slid over to Hakkai, who had continued on. The same thoughts surfaced again, this time with an accompanying rush of heat through his body. Well, shit. Where the hell had that come from?
He did not fall for his best friend somewhere along the way of this fucked-up field trip west. He did not want to kiss his Hakkai breathless. He did not want to spend long, hot, slick nights learning every inch of the converted youkai’s body.
Fuck it all to hell, yes he did. He wanted it all.
“Gojyo? Is something wrong?” Hakkai called back to him questioningly.
He caught up to Hakkai, cursing himself under his breath. What the hell was he supposed to do now?
Chapter 3
A/N: And so it continues. Hakkai/Gojyo.
0o0o0o0o0o
Hakkai looked in the rearview mirror for the third time in the last ten minutes. Gojyo was staring at the scenery, puffing on a cigarette while ignoring Goku’s attempts to rile him into an argument. The kappa had been chain-smoking ever since they had returned from the grocery shopping the day before. Looking back to the road, wondering what was wrong, Hakkai caught a slight movement beside him.
Glancing over, he caught Sanzo looking in his mirror back at Gojyo. It was only for a moment, but even the monk had noticed the change in demeanor. Hakkai was sure that Sanzo was merely enjoying the quiet in the back seat while it lasted. Heaven forbid the monk actually be worried about Gojyo.
Deciding to not - for the moment - break the quiet in the jeep, Hakkai wondered about the sudden silence from Gojyo. It wasn’t noticeable until late in the afternoon yesterday. What could have caused it?
There was nothing that he could think of from yesterday that could cause his best friend to be so …reserved, something so very out of character for him. Hakkai felt his throat tighten at the memory of the night before that, however. That was the night when Gojyo had sensed his need to be touched, and had come to him to calm and soothe him.
While that was nothing truly out of the ordinary, since Gojyo had been doing that for him for years, that night had been somewhat different. Even though he needed it, he’d always accepted his friend’s ministrations almost unwillingly. Though always grateful to Gojyo, he felt weak for needing it. That had changed, somewhat, the other night.
Hakkai had allowed himself to truly enjoy the warmth of another person for the first time in years. He had admitted, wordlessly, that he needed to be touched; that he wanted to be touched. And that he wanted it to be Gojyo that touched him. The only one he wanted to touch him.
From the look on Gojyo’s face, he’d thought his best friend to be happy with the development when he’d turned in the other man’s arms to face him. It had been surprised, yet pleased. Now, he wondered if he’d misread the look; that perhaps he was hoping for something Gojyo couldn’t give him. The kappa was a ladies’ man, after all. Allowing the wounded Gonou to recuperate was as far as he would stretch his rule about no men in his bed.
“Hakkai!” snarled a voice to his left, breaking him from his thoughts. Realizing he’d allowed the jeep to drift from the road, he jerked the wheel to get them back on course. Pulling to a stop, he sat still, panting at the near miss. He could have killed them all while engrossed in his thoughts.
Looking into the rearview mirror to apologize to the passengers in the back seat, he was stopped by a pair of worried ruby eyes. Emerald and ruby locked for a moment, and Hakkai clearly “heard” Gojyo’s silent, “We’ll talk later.”
0o0o0o
“Later” was when the four of them headed to their rooms to sleep. Somehow, the kappa managed to room with him that night. He’d been able to feel those distinctive eyes on him ever since the incident in the jeep that afternoon. Feeling self-conscious under those eyes for the first time in years, Hakkai waited until Gojyo went to the bathroom before changing into his night clothes. It was odd how…. hesitant he felt about this upcoming talk with his best friend.
Hearing Gojyo enter the room, Hakkai looked up. Those ruby eyes took in the changes since the kappa had left, and he watched as they darkened slightly with something very much like sorrow before they lightened with forced cheer.
“What’s wrong?” they both asked at the same time.
The kappa chuckled, “You first.”
Hakkai licked his dry lips before speaking, idly noticing that his best friend was watching his every move. “You have been very quiet lately, Gojyo. Ever since we returned from shopping yesterday afternoon, in fact. Is something wrong? Can I help?”
Gojyo, lighting another cigarette, choked. “You, ah, noticed that, huh?”
“You have been chain smoking, Gojyo. Usually, you leave that to Sanzo,” Hakkai responded primly. “I couldn’t help but notice.”
Chuckling wryly, Gojyo ran a hand through his damp red hair. “Should’ve known. You never miss anything.”
“Gojyo…?”
“It’s …nothing, Hakkai. Just something I have to work out in my head,” replied the kappa, looking away for a moment. “So…what’s wrong on your end, ‘Kai? You don’t usually drive Hakuryu off the road.”
Hakkai was not surprised by the change in subject. It was a tactic they had both used often over the years. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not. This time, Hakkai let it go.
“I was lost in thought. Something was…bothering me.”
Gojyo’s eyebrows rose, obviously surprised that Hakkai was volunteering even that much information. “You get it worked out?”
“Not quite yet. I am coming to the conclusion that what’s bothering me will probably never be completely resolved,” Hakkai said, giving his friend a slightly forced smile.
The cheerful façade slipped from Gojyo’s eyes like water. Crossing the room, he sat on his own bed. “Let me know if you get it worked out,” he said, his voice flat.
Taken aback by the sudden change in his best friend, Hakkai could only watch as the kappa stretched out on the bed, rolling until he was facing away from him. What had he missed in the last five minutes?
The answer hit Hakkai like a kick to the gut. Gojyo knew. He knew about the change in his best friend’s feelings for him. Gojyo knew, and was trying to figure out how to let him down easy, without hurting him. It explained everything, from the chain-smoking and the silence in the jeep, to the sudden rejection of him just a minute before.
Swallowing down his sudden nausea, Hakkai lay down on his own small, lonely bed, staring up at the ceiling. Though he had expected nothing less, the reality of the fact that the man he had come to love couldn’t love him back hurt more than he had anticipated. The pain clawed at his stomach, making it twist into knots. Getting up quickly, he crossed the hall to the bathroom, emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Panting, he rested his head against the cold porcelain, still feeling the ache in his heart.
What in heaven’s name was he going to do now?
Chapter 4
A/N: Back to Gojyo’s POV. The angst is starting to really get thick in here. Still Gojyo/Hakkai.
0o0o0o0o0
Gojyo stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. “Get it together, man. You can do this. You can face your best friend and not let him know you’ve fallen for him.”
He snorted at the disbelieving look on his reflected face. Sure he could. And while he was at it, maybe he could get the bakazaru to not eat half the menu by himself every time they stopped at a restaurant. The kappa sighed. He’d just have to hope that whatever it was that was bothering Hakkai would be enough to distract the other man from how out of it he was.
Steeling himself, Gojyo returned to the room he was sharing with Hakkai for the night. He glanced around, checking for anything out of place, a habit he’d picked up on this never-ending trip to India. All he saw was Hakkai, sitting on the bed. The other man had looked up when he’d walked in, watching him. Gojyo quickly noticed that the healer had changed into what he wore to sleep in.
That hurt, since Hakkai used clothes as a shield. He hated letting anyone see that scar he’d received the day he’d become a youkai, the physical reminder of his crimes as Cho Gonou. Gojyo himself had always been an exception to that rule, but that was because he’d tended the wound, and knew the whole story behind how he’d gotten it. There was nothing that Hakkai needed to hide from him, so he didn’t. Until now, it seemed.
Forcing himself to pretend there was nothing wrong, that he wasn’t hurt; he smiled cheerfully at his roommate, knowing it wasn’t looking quite right. “What’s wrong?”
He heard Hakkai’s voice echo him, and he chuckled, “You first.”
Hakkai paused before speaking, licking his lips. Gojyo found his eyes drawn to the movement. “You have been very quiet lately, Gojyo. Ever since we returned from shopping yesterday afternoon, in fact. Is something wrong? Can I help?”
Gojyo, who had tried to light a cigarette to cover the fact that he was staring at his best friend, choked. Was something wrong? Could the other man help? Images of the converted youkai in his arms, under him, over him, flashed through his mind. Oh yeah, Hakkai could help all right. Somehow, he managed to get out, “You, ah, noticed that, huh?”
“You have been chain smoking, Gojyo. Usually, you leave that to Sanzo,” replied Hakkai. “I couldn’t help but notice.”
Running a hand through his still-damp hair, Gojyo chuckled. Why he thought he’d managed to put one over on his best friend was beyond him. “Should’ve known. You never miss anything.”
“Gojyo?”
The healer’s tone was confused and curious. Looking away, unable to face his friend at the moment, afraid of something else his best friend would probably not miss, he continued, “It’s …nothing, Hakkai. Just something I have to work out in my head. So… what’s wrong on your end, ‘Kai? You usually don’t drive Hakuryu off the road.”
He was relieved when Hakkai let the change of subject go. He really didn’t know what he would have told the other man had he pressed.
“I was lost in thought. Something was…bothering me.”
Surprised that Hakkai didn’t just blow the question off, since the converted youkai always deflected - or flat-out denied - anything that might hint that all was not right with him, he asked, “You get it worked out?”
“Not quite yet. I am coming to the conclusion that what’s bothering me will probably never be completely resolved,” replied Hakkai, smiling at him.
It was Hakkai’s smile that wiped the forced smile right off his own face. Hakkai never smiled at him like that. That smile was a mask, used to hide his pain, insecurity, and everything else that bothered the man from the world at large. Seeing it used on him now made something twist painfully in his chest. Why would he…? And then Gojyo realized exactly why he’d use that smile.
Hakkai must have figured it out. His best friend must have discovered that he, the playboy of the group, had fallen hard for the other man. The converted youkai didn’t know how to react, so instead he threw up a wall between them until he could. It explained why he had driven off the road this afternoon; Hakkai was thinking too hard on how to let him off easy, without tearing the heart right out of his chest.
Not bothering to hide his pain from the other man, Gojyo made his way to his bed, sitting down. “Let me know if you get it worked out.” His voice sounded flat and toneless to his own ears, but didn’t give a damn. Lying down, he rolled over to face the wall. He couldn’t bear to look at his best friend right now. It stung too much.
Hakkai said nothing, though Gojyo could feel those emerald eyes on his back. He ignored the sensation, and wondered if he had just lost his best friend for good. That hurt the most, the thought that the other man wouldn’t even be able to stand the sight of him now. It made his chest feel tight, like he couldn’t breathe.
He heard Hakkai lay down, before getting back up and quickly leaving the room just a few minutes later. A bitter, self-mocking grin crossed his face.
“Way to go, jackass. Just piss away the best friend you ever had by wanting something you know you can’t have,” Gojyo muttered to himself, raking long fingers through long, blood-red hair.
Sitting up, he got off the bed and fled the room. He didn’t want to be here when Hakkai got back - assuming he came back - from wherever it was he went. All he wanted to do right now was go drown his sorrows in a few bottles of saké. Maybe if he got himself shitfaced, he could deal with not being wanted by the one person he needed to want him. ‘Cause sure as shit he couldn’t deal with it right now.
Chapter 5
A/N: I’m sorry this took so long! Hakkai and Gojyo decided not to talk to me for awhile, so this was slow going. Unfortunately, this will be on true hiatus for awhile, since I just moved halfway across the country, started a new job, and have to travel for two weeks for work. I’ll try to work on it when I can, but it will probably be awhile before this updates again.
Back to Hakkai’s perspective. Still angsty, but I’m hoping we’re coming to the end of that tunnel.
0o0o0o0o0o
“I don’t care what happened, just fix it!” growled Sanzo. “At this rate, he’ll get the rest of us killed, not to mention himself.”
“H-hai,” murmured Hakkai. He plastered his fake smile on his face. “Yare yare, Gojyo can certainly be troublesome sometimes.”
Amethyst eyes locked onto emerald. “I know something happened between you two. The fact that Gojyo is willing to room with me proves it. Not that he’s actually sleeping there.”
Hakkai sighed, closing his eyes to block out the monk’s accusatory ones. Sanzo was right; Gojyo was rooming with the blond priest more often than not lately, though it was more like he was just storing his gear there. Gojyo spent most nights getting himself blind drunk and then sleeping it off during the day as they traveled west. A night or two of this behavior was one thing, two weeks straight another entirely.
The worst of it was that all of it was his fault. Because he’d fallen for his best friend; a man who cared for him as a friend, but nothing more. Hakkai still wasn’t sure how he’d given his feelings away to Gojyo, but he must have somehow. It was the only way to explain the kappa’s avoidance of him. Even to the point of ostensibly rooming with Sanzo, though in reality staying in the bar all night. In four years, he’d never seen Gojyo act like this. It worried him, because he feared that Sanzo was right and Gojyo would get himself killed.
0o0o0o
The battle had been short, but fierce. There were many youkai in the group they’d faced, but all of them were small fry. Nothing more than exercise. Or so they’d thought.
Hakkai sat back from where he leaned over the pale, quiet body of his best friend. Sweat poured down his face, dripping off his chin to land next to the prone kappa. The wound was finally closed, and Gojyo’s breathing was beginning to sound normal again. It had been very close; if he’d waited even five more minutes, Hakkai feared he would have lost Gojyo forever.
The red head had been clumsy in the battle, his hangover the most obvious reason why. Usually, Gojyo in battle was grace personified; it took quite a bit of skill to wield the shakujo in such a way to be as precisely deadly as it was. While the kappa had not endangered any of the ikkou with his uncharacteristic clumsiness, his guard had been so sloppy that it was practically nonexistent.
Hakkai swallowed down the lump in his throat as the thought passed through his mind, unbidden; As if he was trying to get himself killed.
Hakkai pushed back the guilt and self-hatred the thought caused. It was ridiculous to think that Gojyo had tried suicide-by-youkai. It was just the hangover that caused the hanyou to be hurt; nothing more. He wasn’t trying to escape Hakkai.
A soft knock on the door brought the converted youkai out of his depressing thoughts. Looking over, he saw Goku stick his head in the room. Expressive gold eyes showed their worry, as they glanced over to the unconscious kappa. The young youkai asked a question in a stage-whispered voice, “How is he, Hakkai?”
“He seems to be resting comfortably, Goku.”
Goku edged the rest of the way into the room. “Will he be okay?”
Hakkai allowed his usual smile to cross his face, “Of course, Goku. This is Gojyo we are speaking of. He’ll be fine with time and rest.” He raised his voice slightly for the benefit of the monk that he knew would be standing just behind Goku - out of sight. “Perhaps a week to ten days, and then he should be healed enough to travel again.”
“He gets seven days, Hakkai. No more.” A hard voice said from outside the room. “If he’s not ready, we’ll leave his sorry, hung-over ass here.”
“Yare yare,” replied Hakkai with a sigh. “Then if the two of you will be so kind as to leave? Gojyo needs his rest. Oh, and Goku, please bring up some beef broth after you two have dinner. I’ll start him out on that until I see how well Gojyo is healing.”
The boy nodded, and withdrew. The room was again quiet, and it allowed Hakkai time to think. His mind played over the battle again and again, searching for how he could have saved Gojyo from his injuries. He could find nothing, but that did not put his guilt to rest. He had nearly failed another person he loved. Hakkai wondered if he was cursed to cause pain to the ones that he loved.
“Stop wi’ that face, ‘Kai. It don’t look right on ya’.”
Hakkai’s head shot up at the slurred, weak voice. He hadn’t expected Gojyo to wake up tomorrow, let alone today. He moved to look critically at his best friend.
“You have seen better days yourself, my friend,” Hakkai replied. “If I may paraphrase one of your ‘poker buddies’, you look like ‘death warmed over on a cracker.’”
Gojyo chuckled weakly, “Since I feel like it, that don’t surprise me any.”
Hakkai watched as exhaustion and pain caught up with the kappa. Gojyo’s eyelids drooped, and the red head snapped them back open in an attempt to stay awake, before finally losing the battle and falling asleep. He didn’t have to ask his friend what had happened during the battle. A two week drinking binge, with little substantial food or rest, had taken its toll on even Gojyo’s iron constitution. He had simply worn himself down to the point where his body refused to continue.
Guilt, that ever familiar presence in his life, rose up and threatened to swamp the converted youkai. It was his feelings for Gojyo that caused his friend to hide himself in alcohol; he drove the other man to this. Hakkai swallowed back his sudden nausea at realizing how close he’d been to losing the other man.
“I’m sorry,” he said to his sleeping friend. “It’s my fault you got yourself hurt. I never meant to drive you away; to make you hate me.”
Hakkai bowed his head, shuddering slightly at his words, even if only he heard it. It would probably be the closest he ever came to actually admitting what he felt for the kappa.
“…Dun’ hate ya’, Kai,” slurred a familiar, drowsy voice. “Could never hate ya’….”
Hakkai’s head came up sharply, and he stared at slitted crimson eyes for a moment before those eyes again drifted shut, and Gojyo fell back asleep, snoring softly. While it was a tremendous relief that Gojyo didn’t, after all, hate him, the healer wondered what could make the kappa avoid him so …strenuously for two weeks. It just didn’t make sense. His healer’s eyes skimmed the form of the man he had come to love, wondering just what was going on, and how to make things right between them.
Chapter 6
A/N: Finally! I know some of you were wondering when I would pick this series up again, but I had a nasty case of writer’s block. This chapter is dedicated to
compli_cait for beta-ing this chapter, and helping me get the flow going again. In Gojyo’s POV, of course.
0o0o0o0o0o
Gojyo floated through sleep much like cork floating on the calm surface of a lake, before arriving at full wakefulness like a bobber suddenly surfacing after the fish breaks the line. Blinking, he stared up at the white ceiling of the room where he lay, trying to remember how he got there. He wasn’t exactly surprised that his memories were kind of fuzzy; after all, he was used to getting extremely wasted trying to keep up with Hakkai when the other man drank.
But as he stared at the spider crawling across the ceiling Gojyo realized that he had no hangover. His head ached enough, but he was a connoisseur of hangovers and this wasn’t the same kind of headache. There was no urge to have a heart-to-heart talk with the porcelain god. Instead, it just felt like his head had been split open by Goku’s nyoi-bo.
But hell did he have to piss! Gojyo shifted his weight to roll off the bed, and stopped with a surprised cry of pain. When the hell…? That was when his spotty memories came crashing back to him, making his head throb with each new memory falling into place.
The kappa remembered very well the night when Hakkai had broadly hinted he had no feelings for him. That was the night he decided to drown his sorrows in alcohol. Gojyo wasn’t entirely sure how long he’d been doing that; his memories were short and dim, mainly of drinking and hangovers. A few glimpses of battles fought. But there were very few memories of Hakkai in those pieces of memory. Had he been avoiding Hakkai - or was it the other way around?
“Hey, you awake,” asked a surprisingly quiet voice.
Gojyo twitched in surprise, hissing at the sharp pain it caused. Carefully, he turned to see Goku half in the room, looking concerned.
“Yeah, but I gotta piss. Gimme a hand up, will ya?” Gojyo was shocked at how rusty his voice sounded. How long had it been since he’d used it?
“Nuh uh. Hakkai said to tell him the moment you were awake.”
“Come on, Goku, I gotta pee,” Gojyo whined. “You gonna let me embarrass myself before you go get Hakkai?”
“You don’t need my help to do that, erokappa,” replied Goku, his tone suddenly angry. “Hakkai’s a mess, tryin’ to get you well again.”
Gojyo felt ridiculously pleased by the last half of that statement before he ruthlessly buried it. “Help me to the can, and then you can get Hakkai. Unless you want to tell him why we’d have to change the sheets.”
Grumbling, Goku agreed. The young youkai helped the kappa to the bathroom. After making sure that Gojyo wouldn’t topple over, the golden-eyed young man allowed him his privacy.
Finishing his business, sweating and trembling from the exertion of making it to the bathroom, Gojyo was alarmed by his weakness. He couldn’t ever remember feeling like this before, no matter how much he fought or drank. Splashing water on his face, the red-head was not looking forward to what Hakkai was going to say about his condition, knowing that Hakkai was going to politely skin him alive with soft, yet extremely pointed words.
Stumbling to the door, using the wall to support him, Gojyo opened it, nearly falling backwards in surprise. Instead of Goku, Hakkai waited there, green eyes anxious.
“Gojyo,” asked Hakkai’s overly-pleasant voice. “If you had needed to use the facilities, there was a bedpan in the room.”
“I’m a big boy, Ma,” sulked the kappa. “I made it down the hall to the bathroom.”
“Not without help,” Hakkai pointed out, stepping back to allow Gojyo to come out of the bathroom. “Goku told me you needed to use him as a crutch.”
“Whatever.” Gojyo’s temper was starting to rise at the overly solicitous tone his friend was using. He wasn’t a baby that needed to be coddled. Yeah, he got hurt, but he was getting better, right?
With a sigh, Hakkai moved to stand next to him, placing Gojyo’s arm around his shoulder so he could be used as a living crutch. Gojyo stared at him as the converted youkai took a couple of steps forward, his shock allowing him to be carried along. What the hell was Hakkai doing? Before he could say anything, the sound of a lighter made him turn his head.
Gojyo watched as hooded purple eyes flicked back and forth between himself and Hakkai, as Sanzo inhaled his cigarette. Removing the cancer stick from his mouth, he blew out the smoke.
“Hn.” He smirked, his voice dripping condescension and amusement. “You two idiots deserve each other.”
He passed by them on his way to his own room, deliberately bumping into Hakkai’s shoulder, which pushed the converted youkai against Gojyo. Hakkai stumbled, trying to keep both of them upright. Finally, he regained his balance, and Gojyo could sense his friend’s glare at the monk’s back.
“Come Gojyo,” said Hakkai, irritation plain in his voice, “let’s check your bandages.”
Gojyo knew better than to argue with that tone of voice.
Later, after he’d been fed and Hakkai had helped him to and from the facilities again, Gojyo allowed himself to slip into a light doze as Hakkai changed his bandages. He was able to relax, for the first time in a long while, under the deft, yet still caring fingers of his best friend. If he continued to let himself drift the red head could fool himself into thinking that the brunette’s touches were that of a lover, instead of a healer. His mind floated back to the shitty monk’s words of a few hours earlier. He wondered what Sanzo had meant by them; he was sure that the blonde hadn’t meant what Gojyo wanted them to mean. Hakkai didn’t think of him that way. And yet….
His mind whispered to him, traitorously, that Hakkai had actually touched him, back there in the hall. Had, in fact, half-carried him back to bed after the run-in with the corrupt monk. The healer had also kept him from whining and complaining like he always did when he was hurt. In fact, Gojyo hadn’t been allowed to say a word in the aftermath of the “confrontation.” Not in his own defense for trying to drown himself at the bottom of a bottle, nor in an attempt to make things “normal” again between them.
At this point, even that was better than the awful sense of limbo and dread that hung between them right now.
Making up his mind, Gojyo decided that, first thing in the morning, he was going to try to make things right; back to being best friends with Hakkai. Back to what they’d had before he had allowed his “feelings” to get in the way. But for tonight, he was going to relax and simply enjoy the sensation of Hakkai touching him for a change.
Gojyo had long ago decided he would take what he could get out of life. If this was what he could get, then so be it. He wasn’t willing to give up what he did have reaching for a pipe dream.
A familiar warmth spreading across his chest interrupted the kappa’s thoughts. Hakkai was giving him another healing treatment. He twitched slightly, but didn’t open his eyes. After a few minutes, the warmth ebbed away, leaving him feeling better. The touch of slim fingers against his chest, however, did not stop. The hanyou resisted the urge to open his eyes and look at Hakkai. Instead, he continued to lay still, his breathing slow and steady; as if he was asleep. A part of Gojyo hoped that if Hakkai thought he really was out of it, maybe the healer would continue to touch him.
It was such an about-face for the converted youkai. Gojyo usually had to practically move mountains to get the other man to allow anyone, including Gojyo himself (especially Gojyo himself), to touch him except in an emergency. Of course, the red head realized, heart sinking, that in a way, this was an emergency. This was the closest yet that he had come to dying on this field trip from hell, and since he was the person that Hakkai was closest to, it stood to reason that the brunette might want some tactile assurance that Gojyo was still alive and breathing.
Damn, he hated logic.
There was nothing special about Hakkai’s sudden urge to reach out and touch him. Just an awkward attempt to reassure himself that his best friend was still alive and kicking after the beating he’d taken. That he was still breathing, anyway, after nearly kicking the bucket. Nothing more.
Gojyo nearly stopped breathing when those cool fingers left his chest and moved into his hair. Hakkai never touched his hair. Ever. Those strong, beautiful fingers that he’d admired since he had saved the bleeding stranger on the road all those years ago, were threading through his long, red hair in a strangely intimate gesture. It was all he could do to continue to keep his breathing even, and not let on that he was really awake.
“Yare yare, Gojyo,” breathed Hakkai, voice trembling slightly. “So very troublesome.”
Gojyo was not thrilled at the way the converted youkai said those words. About to open his eyes, another fleeting touch froze him. It was the brush of lips against his forehead, slightly warm, a bit chapped, and utterly masculine. That soft, momentary touch held the hanyou still, not even daring to breath. Had he hallucinated that?
“But that’s the way you are, and I wouldn’t change anything about you,” said the healer, his voice still a barely-heard whisper. “You wouldn’t be Gojyo, otherwise.”
Now Gojyo knew he was either dreaming or hallucinating. Then he heard the springs of the bed he was laying on squeak as Hakkai moved. Suddenly, there was a soft pressure as those same lips that had brushed his forehead now kissed him chastely on his own lips.
Stunned, the kappa lay still for a moment, before daring to open his eyes, sure that when he did, Hakkai would disappear like the dream he must be. But no, the converted youkai healer was right there, just beginning to pull back from the soft kiss. He saw green eyes catch sight of him, widening in shock and surprise as a flush began to creep up into Hakkai’s face. Knowing his best friend as well as he did, Gojyo’s hand shot out and grabbed the black sleeve of his tunic to keep him from fleeing.
“Holy shit, Hakkai, did you just kiss me?”
0o0o0o0o0o
Link to Chapter 7
Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all of its characters are owned by Minekura Kazuya, her Japanese publishers, and Tokyopop. I only play with them for grins and giggles.
Craving Touch
by:
youkai_girl
Chapter 1
A/N: A little Hakkai ficlet, some slight angst, with a hint of Gojyo/Hakkai thrown in for seasoning. In case you’re wondering, I’ve never seen Hakkai touch anyone unless it was an emergency - Hakuryu/Jiipu notwithstanding. Yet Gojyo is always touching him.
0o0o0o0o0o
The one thing that Cho Hakkai missed more than anything else was touch. Believing himself to be worthless because of his crimes, the converted youkai tried to never touch anyone any more than was absolutely necessary. Of course, being a healer meant he had to touch people occasionally, but he never initiated contact otherwise.
Sanzo respected his unvoiced wishes, and rarely touched him. Goku was more problematic, as the young youkai touched everyone as often as possible. Gojyo, on the other hand, always touched him. A simple touch to make sure he was unhurt, or a friendly arm slung over his shoulder was agony to Hakkai, who craved touch but refused to give into the desire to touch and be touched.
0o0o0
Waking from sleep, Hakkai tensed as he felt himself held close to a familiar body. Strong, graceful hands slowly caressed him; not sexually, but instead in a very soothing, yet sensual way. Hakkai held himself taut, refusing to give into the urge to relax and enjoy the sensation of hands on him.
“Would you loosen up?” rumbled Gojyo quietly. “You know you can’t swindle me, Hakkai.”
Hakkai said nothing, understanding what the kappa meant. With a soft sigh, he slowly let his muscles unknot, allowing himself to be touched. And more importantly, to actually allow himself to enjoy the attention Gojyo gave him.
Gojyo caressed and petted him, letting Hakkai feel the heat from his body as they lay together. Each touch soothed the rawness inside Hakkai’s soul, and he drew a shuddering breath. A sense of calm stole over him as Gojyo’s hands stilled and drew him into an embrace.
Hakkai couldn’t admit how much these occasional moments with Gojyo actually meant to him. It was a peculiar form of love; Gojyo giving him the touches he craved, and for Hakkai to allow Gojyo to be the only one to relieve those cravings.
Turning in those arms, he caught a glimpse of startled crimson eyes that became pleased when he returned the hug. There was comfort here, in these arms, along with something else that Hakkai wasn’t sure he was worthy enough for, but wanted anyway.
Maybe…one day he would be able to tell Gojyo that.
Chapter 2
A/N: It seems Gojyo has something to say about this too. The one-shot has become a continuation. Who knew? Hints of Gojyo/Hakkai.
0o0o0o0o0o
Flicking his Zippo, Gojyo lit his cigarette, inhaling and feeling the first rush of smoke in his lungs. Stuffing the lighter into his pocket, the kappa leaned against the pillar of the porch of the inn the Sanzo-ikkou had stayed at the night before. Hakkai had put his foot down, and the group would be remaining here for another day - mostly to take care of “household” chores, such as laundry and supply shopping. Gojyo didn’t mind the break; there were a couple of pretty waitresses he could check out while he was in town…..
The cigarette suddenly turned to ashes in his mouth. The thought was habit, but he didn’t really feel like going out and getting laid. Not by one of those waitresses, anyway. Taking the cigarette out of his mouth, he hawked and spit, trying to get rid of the sick taste in his mouth.
“Yare, yare, Gojyo. What will the townspeople think of us?” asked Hakkai mildly, startling Gojyo with his silent approach.
“Heh, who cares what they think?” asked Gojyo with his usual grin, taking another drag from his cigarette. Turning to face his best friend, Gojyo ran an appraising eye over him, trying to judge his mood.
More relaxed, if anything, he decided. Yesterday, the healer had been practically vibrating from the tension in his muscles. Today, he was closer to whatever passed for normal for Hakkai. There were some shadows still around those green eyes, but there had been shadows there for the entire time Gojyo had known the converted youkai. His spending the night with Hakkai had done its usual job, it seemed. Satisfied for the moment, Gojyo blew out a smoke ring, playfully directing it towards Hakkai, knowing that the other man will call him on it.
“Gojyo?” asked Hakkai, waving the smoke away with a slight frown.
“It’s nothing. You gonna do the shopping?” Replied Gojyo, unable to keep the smirk out of his voice. Teasing his best friend could be fun - to a point. After that, you had to be careful, or that sharp tongue of his might take the skin right off you.
“Yes, the inn will do our laundry for us,” agreed Hakkai, pausing for a moment. “And Sanzo wanted to be alone.”
With a shrug, Gojyo pushed himself upright. “I’ll go along then, give you a hand. I sure don’t want to hang around with the shitty monk being all pissy.”
They left, Gojyo falling in a step behind to watch over his friend. It seemed that the time he’d spent with Hakkai last night really had paid off. The healer was about as relaxed as he ever was, though still going out of his way to not be touched by anyone - Gojyo included. The hanyou sighed, it was always like this.
He didn’t understand how anyone could not want to be touched. Gojyo knew he was a sensualist - he loved to touch and be touched. That was the reason he fought with Goku in the jeep, slung an arm over the pissy monk’s shoulder whenever he got the chance, and flirted with pretty girls along the way. He couldn’t stand to not be touched.
Which is why he used any excuse to touch Hakkai. Gojyo couldn’t stand to see what his best friend was doing to himself by denying himself touch. He turned into a tight, tense wreck that snipped at everyone - while pretending to be perfectly fine and dandy. At least, that’s how it started out.
Now…now he just wanted to touch Hakkai for the sake of touching Hakkai. It was an addiction; like needing a cigarette. He was starting to crave touching Hakkai. Even now, his hands itched with the need to reach out and touch that smooth, pale skin. To feel the silky softness of that rich brown hair running through his fingers. He wondered, briefly, what Hakkai’s lips tasted like.
The thought brought Gojyo up short. What the fuck? He did not just think that. His eyes slid over to Hakkai, who had continued on. The same thoughts surfaced again, this time with an accompanying rush of heat through his body. Well, shit. Where the hell had that come from?
He did not fall for his best friend somewhere along the way of this fucked-up field trip west. He did not want to kiss his Hakkai breathless. He did not want to spend long, hot, slick nights learning every inch of the converted youkai’s body.
Fuck it all to hell, yes he did. He wanted it all.
“Gojyo? Is something wrong?” Hakkai called back to him questioningly.
He caught up to Hakkai, cursing himself under his breath. What the hell was he supposed to do now?
Chapter 3
A/N: And so it continues. Hakkai/Gojyo.
0o0o0o0o0o
Hakkai looked in the rearview mirror for the third time in the last ten minutes. Gojyo was staring at the scenery, puffing on a cigarette while ignoring Goku’s attempts to rile him into an argument. The kappa had been chain-smoking ever since they had returned from the grocery shopping the day before. Looking back to the road, wondering what was wrong, Hakkai caught a slight movement beside him.
Glancing over, he caught Sanzo looking in his mirror back at Gojyo. It was only for a moment, but even the monk had noticed the change in demeanor. Hakkai was sure that Sanzo was merely enjoying the quiet in the back seat while it lasted. Heaven forbid the monk actually be worried about Gojyo.
Deciding to not - for the moment - break the quiet in the jeep, Hakkai wondered about the sudden silence from Gojyo. It wasn’t noticeable until late in the afternoon yesterday. What could have caused it?
There was nothing that he could think of from yesterday that could cause his best friend to be so …reserved, something so very out of character for him. Hakkai felt his throat tighten at the memory of the night before that, however. That was the night when Gojyo had sensed his need to be touched, and had come to him to calm and soothe him.
While that was nothing truly out of the ordinary, since Gojyo had been doing that for him for years, that night had been somewhat different. Even though he needed it, he’d always accepted his friend’s ministrations almost unwillingly. Though always grateful to Gojyo, he felt weak for needing it. That had changed, somewhat, the other night.
Hakkai had allowed himself to truly enjoy the warmth of another person for the first time in years. He had admitted, wordlessly, that he needed to be touched; that he wanted to be touched. And that he wanted it to be Gojyo that touched him. The only one he wanted to touch him.
From the look on Gojyo’s face, he’d thought his best friend to be happy with the development when he’d turned in the other man’s arms to face him. It had been surprised, yet pleased. Now, he wondered if he’d misread the look; that perhaps he was hoping for something Gojyo couldn’t give him. The kappa was a ladies’ man, after all. Allowing the wounded Gonou to recuperate was as far as he would stretch his rule about no men in his bed.
“Hakkai!” snarled a voice to his left, breaking him from his thoughts. Realizing he’d allowed the jeep to drift from the road, he jerked the wheel to get them back on course. Pulling to a stop, he sat still, panting at the near miss. He could have killed them all while engrossed in his thoughts.
Looking into the rearview mirror to apologize to the passengers in the back seat, he was stopped by a pair of worried ruby eyes. Emerald and ruby locked for a moment, and Hakkai clearly “heard” Gojyo’s silent, “We’ll talk later.”
0o0o0o
“Later” was when the four of them headed to their rooms to sleep. Somehow, the kappa managed to room with him that night. He’d been able to feel those distinctive eyes on him ever since the incident in the jeep that afternoon. Feeling self-conscious under those eyes for the first time in years, Hakkai waited until Gojyo went to the bathroom before changing into his night clothes. It was odd how…. hesitant he felt about this upcoming talk with his best friend.
Hearing Gojyo enter the room, Hakkai looked up. Those ruby eyes took in the changes since the kappa had left, and he watched as they darkened slightly with something very much like sorrow before they lightened with forced cheer.
“What’s wrong?” they both asked at the same time.
The kappa chuckled, “You first.”
Hakkai licked his dry lips before speaking, idly noticing that his best friend was watching his every move. “You have been very quiet lately, Gojyo. Ever since we returned from shopping yesterday afternoon, in fact. Is something wrong? Can I help?”
Gojyo, lighting another cigarette, choked. “You, ah, noticed that, huh?”
“You have been chain smoking, Gojyo. Usually, you leave that to Sanzo,” Hakkai responded primly. “I couldn’t help but notice.”
Chuckling wryly, Gojyo ran a hand through his damp red hair. “Should’ve known. You never miss anything.”
“Gojyo…?”
“It’s …nothing, Hakkai. Just something I have to work out in my head,” replied the kappa, looking away for a moment. “So…what’s wrong on your end, ‘Kai? You don’t usually drive Hakuryu off the road.”
Hakkai was not surprised by the change in subject. It was a tactic they had both used often over the years. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not. This time, Hakkai let it go.
“I was lost in thought. Something was…bothering me.”
Gojyo’s eyebrows rose, obviously surprised that Hakkai was volunteering even that much information. “You get it worked out?”
“Not quite yet. I am coming to the conclusion that what’s bothering me will probably never be completely resolved,” Hakkai said, giving his friend a slightly forced smile.
The cheerful façade slipped from Gojyo’s eyes like water. Crossing the room, he sat on his own bed. “Let me know if you get it worked out,” he said, his voice flat.
Taken aback by the sudden change in his best friend, Hakkai could only watch as the kappa stretched out on the bed, rolling until he was facing away from him. What had he missed in the last five minutes?
The answer hit Hakkai like a kick to the gut. Gojyo knew. He knew about the change in his best friend’s feelings for him. Gojyo knew, and was trying to figure out how to let him down easy, without hurting him. It explained everything, from the chain-smoking and the silence in the jeep, to the sudden rejection of him just a minute before.
Swallowing down his sudden nausea, Hakkai lay down on his own small, lonely bed, staring up at the ceiling. Though he had expected nothing less, the reality of the fact that the man he had come to love couldn’t love him back hurt more than he had anticipated. The pain clawed at his stomach, making it twist into knots. Getting up quickly, he crossed the hall to the bathroom, emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Panting, he rested his head against the cold porcelain, still feeling the ache in his heart.
What in heaven’s name was he going to do now?
Chapter 4
A/N: Back to Gojyo’s POV. The angst is starting to really get thick in here. Still Gojyo/Hakkai.
0o0o0o0o0
Gojyo stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. “Get it together, man. You can do this. You can face your best friend and not let him know you’ve fallen for him.”
He snorted at the disbelieving look on his reflected face. Sure he could. And while he was at it, maybe he could get the bakazaru to not eat half the menu by himself every time they stopped at a restaurant. The kappa sighed. He’d just have to hope that whatever it was that was bothering Hakkai would be enough to distract the other man from how out of it he was.
Steeling himself, Gojyo returned to the room he was sharing with Hakkai for the night. He glanced around, checking for anything out of place, a habit he’d picked up on this never-ending trip to India. All he saw was Hakkai, sitting on the bed. The other man had looked up when he’d walked in, watching him. Gojyo quickly noticed that the healer had changed into what he wore to sleep in.
That hurt, since Hakkai used clothes as a shield. He hated letting anyone see that scar he’d received the day he’d become a youkai, the physical reminder of his crimes as Cho Gonou. Gojyo himself had always been an exception to that rule, but that was because he’d tended the wound, and knew the whole story behind how he’d gotten it. There was nothing that Hakkai needed to hide from him, so he didn’t. Until now, it seemed.
Forcing himself to pretend there was nothing wrong, that he wasn’t hurt; he smiled cheerfully at his roommate, knowing it wasn’t looking quite right. “What’s wrong?”
He heard Hakkai’s voice echo him, and he chuckled, “You first.”
Hakkai paused before speaking, licking his lips. Gojyo found his eyes drawn to the movement. “You have been very quiet lately, Gojyo. Ever since we returned from shopping yesterday afternoon, in fact. Is something wrong? Can I help?”
Gojyo, who had tried to light a cigarette to cover the fact that he was staring at his best friend, choked. Was something wrong? Could the other man help? Images of the converted youkai in his arms, under him, over him, flashed through his mind. Oh yeah, Hakkai could help all right. Somehow, he managed to get out, “You, ah, noticed that, huh?”
“You have been chain smoking, Gojyo. Usually, you leave that to Sanzo,” replied Hakkai. “I couldn’t help but notice.”
Running a hand through his still-damp hair, Gojyo chuckled. Why he thought he’d managed to put one over on his best friend was beyond him. “Should’ve known. You never miss anything.”
“Gojyo?”
The healer’s tone was confused and curious. Looking away, unable to face his friend at the moment, afraid of something else his best friend would probably not miss, he continued, “It’s …nothing, Hakkai. Just something I have to work out in my head. So… what’s wrong on your end, ‘Kai? You usually don’t drive Hakuryu off the road.”
He was relieved when Hakkai let the change of subject go. He really didn’t know what he would have told the other man had he pressed.
“I was lost in thought. Something was…bothering me.”
Surprised that Hakkai didn’t just blow the question off, since the converted youkai always deflected - or flat-out denied - anything that might hint that all was not right with him, he asked, “You get it worked out?”
“Not quite yet. I am coming to the conclusion that what’s bothering me will probably never be completely resolved,” replied Hakkai, smiling at him.
It was Hakkai’s smile that wiped the forced smile right off his own face. Hakkai never smiled at him like that. That smile was a mask, used to hide his pain, insecurity, and everything else that bothered the man from the world at large. Seeing it used on him now made something twist painfully in his chest. Why would he…? And then Gojyo realized exactly why he’d use that smile.
Hakkai must have figured it out. His best friend must have discovered that he, the playboy of the group, had fallen hard for the other man. The converted youkai didn’t know how to react, so instead he threw up a wall between them until he could. It explained why he had driven off the road this afternoon; Hakkai was thinking too hard on how to let him off easy, without tearing the heart right out of his chest.
Not bothering to hide his pain from the other man, Gojyo made his way to his bed, sitting down. “Let me know if you get it worked out.” His voice sounded flat and toneless to his own ears, but didn’t give a damn. Lying down, he rolled over to face the wall. He couldn’t bear to look at his best friend right now. It stung too much.
Hakkai said nothing, though Gojyo could feel those emerald eyes on his back. He ignored the sensation, and wondered if he had just lost his best friend for good. That hurt the most, the thought that the other man wouldn’t even be able to stand the sight of him now. It made his chest feel tight, like he couldn’t breathe.
He heard Hakkai lay down, before getting back up and quickly leaving the room just a few minutes later. A bitter, self-mocking grin crossed his face.
“Way to go, jackass. Just piss away the best friend you ever had by wanting something you know you can’t have,” Gojyo muttered to himself, raking long fingers through long, blood-red hair.
Sitting up, he got off the bed and fled the room. He didn’t want to be here when Hakkai got back - assuming he came back - from wherever it was he went. All he wanted to do right now was go drown his sorrows in a few bottles of saké. Maybe if he got himself shitfaced, he could deal with not being wanted by the one person he needed to want him. ‘Cause sure as shit he couldn’t deal with it right now.
Chapter 5
A/N: I’m sorry this took so long! Hakkai and Gojyo decided not to talk to me for awhile, so this was slow going. Unfortunately, this will be on true hiatus for awhile, since I just moved halfway across the country, started a new job, and have to travel for two weeks for work. I’ll try to work on it when I can, but it will probably be awhile before this updates again.
Back to Hakkai’s perspective. Still angsty, but I’m hoping we’re coming to the end of that tunnel.
0o0o0o0o0o
“I don’t care what happened, just fix it!” growled Sanzo. “At this rate, he’ll get the rest of us killed, not to mention himself.”
“H-hai,” murmured Hakkai. He plastered his fake smile on his face. “Yare yare, Gojyo can certainly be troublesome sometimes.”
Amethyst eyes locked onto emerald. “I know something happened between you two. The fact that Gojyo is willing to room with me proves it. Not that he’s actually sleeping there.”
Hakkai sighed, closing his eyes to block out the monk’s accusatory ones. Sanzo was right; Gojyo was rooming with the blond priest more often than not lately, though it was more like he was just storing his gear there. Gojyo spent most nights getting himself blind drunk and then sleeping it off during the day as they traveled west. A night or two of this behavior was one thing, two weeks straight another entirely.
The worst of it was that all of it was his fault. Because he’d fallen for his best friend; a man who cared for him as a friend, but nothing more. Hakkai still wasn’t sure how he’d given his feelings away to Gojyo, but he must have somehow. It was the only way to explain the kappa’s avoidance of him. Even to the point of ostensibly rooming with Sanzo, though in reality staying in the bar all night. In four years, he’d never seen Gojyo act like this. It worried him, because he feared that Sanzo was right and Gojyo would get himself killed.
0o0o0o
The battle had been short, but fierce. There were many youkai in the group they’d faced, but all of them were small fry. Nothing more than exercise. Or so they’d thought.
Hakkai sat back from where he leaned over the pale, quiet body of his best friend. Sweat poured down his face, dripping off his chin to land next to the prone kappa. The wound was finally closed, and Gojyo’s breathing was beginning to sound normal again. It had been very close; if he’d waited even five more minutes, Hakkai feared he would have lost Gojyo forever.
The red head had been clumsy in the battle, his hangover the most obvious reason why. Usually, Gojyo in battle was grace personified; it took quite a bit of skill to wield the shakujo in such a way to be as precisely deadly as it was. While the kappa had not endangered any of the ikkou with his uncharacteristic clumsiness, his guard had been so sloppy that it was practically nonexistent.
Hakkai swallowed down the lump in his throat as the thought passed through his mind, unbidden; As if he was trying to get himself killed.
Hakkai pushed back the guilt and self-hatred the thought caused. It was ridiculous to think that Gojyo had tried suicide-by-youkai. It was just the hangover that caused the hanyou to be hurt; nothing more. He wasn’t trying to escape Hakkai.
A soft knock on the door brought the converted youkai out of his depressing thoughts. Looking over, he saw Goku stick his head in the room. Expressive gold eyes showed their worry, as they glanced over to the unconscious kappa. The young youkai asked a question in a stage-whispered voice, “How is he, Hakkai?”
“He seems to be resting comfortably, Goku.”
Goku edged the rest of the way into the room. “Will he be okay?”
Hakkai allowed his usual smile to cross his face, “Of course, Goku. This is Gojyo we are speaking of. He’ll be fine with time and rest.” He raised his voice slightly for the benefit of the monk that he knew would be standing just behind Goku - out of sight. “Perhaps a week to ten days, and then he should be healed enough to travel again.”
“He gets seven days, Hakkai. No more.” A hard voice said from outside the room. “If he’s not ready, we’ll leave his sorry, hung-over ass here.”
“Yare yare,” replied Hakkai with a sigh. “Then if the two of you will be so kind as to leave? Gojyo needs his rest. Oh, and Goku, please bring up some beef broth after you two have dinner. I’ll start him out on that until I see how well Gojyo is healing.”
The boy nodded, and withdrew. The room was again quiet, and it allowed Hakkai time to think. His mind played over the battle again and again, searching for how he could have saved Gojyo from his injuries. He could find nothing, but that did not put his guilt to rest. He had nearly failed another person he loved. Hakkai wondered if he was cursed to cause pain to the ones that he loved.
“Stop wi’ that face, ‘Kai. It don’t look right on ya’.”
Hakkai’s head shot up at the slurred, weak voice. He hadn’t expected Gojyo to wake up tomorrow, let alone today. He moved to look critically at his best friend.
“You have seen better days yourself, my friend,” Hakkai replied. “If I may paraphrase one of your ‘poker buddies’, you look like ‘death warmed over on a cracker.’”
Gojyo chuckled weakly, “Since I feel like it, that don’t surprise me any.”
Hakkai watched as exhaustion and pain caught up with the kappa. Gojyo’s eyelids drooped, and the red head snapped them back open in an attempt to stay awake, before finally losing the battle and falling asleep. He didn’t have to ask his friend what had happened during the battle. A two week drinking binge, with little substantial food or rest, had taken its toll on even Gojyo’s iron constitution. He had simply worn himself down to the point where his body refused to continue.
Guilt, that ever familiar presence in his life, rose up and threatened to swamp the converted youkai. It was his feelings for Gojyo that caused his friend to hide himself in alcohol; he drove the other man to this. Hakkai swallowed back his sudden nausea at realizing how close he’d been to losing the other man.
“I’m sorry,” he said to his sleeping friend. “It’s my fault you got yourself hurt. I never meant to drive you away; to make you hate me.”
Hakkai bowed his head, shuddering slightly at his words, even if only he heard it. It would probably be the closest he ever came to actually admitting what he felt for the kappa.
“…Dun’ hate ya’, Kai,” slurred a familiar, drowsy voice. “Could never hate ya’….”
Hakkai’s head came up sharply, and he stared at slitted crimson eyes for a moment before those eyes again drifted shut, and Gojyo fell back asleep, snoring softly. While it was a tremendous relief that Gojyo didn’t, after all, hate him, the healer wondered what could make the kappa avoid him so …strenuously for two weeks. It just didn’t make sense. His healer’s eyes skimmed the form of the man he had come to love, wondering just what was going on, and how to make things right between them.
Chapter 6
A/N: Finally! I know some of you were wondering when I would pick this series up again, but I had a nasty case of writer’s block. This chapter is dedicated to
compli_cait for beta-ing this chapter, and helping me get the flow going again. In Gojyo’s POV, of course.
0o0o0o0o0o
Gojyo floated through sleep much like cork floating on the calm surface of a lake, before arriving at full wakefulness like a bobber suddenly surfacing after the fish breaks the line. Blinking, he stared up at the white ceiling of the room where he lay, trying to remember how he got there. He wasn’t exactly surprised that his memories were kind of fuzzy; after all, he was used to getting extremely wasted trying to keep up with Hakkai when the other man drank.
But as he stared at the spider crawling across the ceiling Gojyo realized that he had no hangover. His head ached enough, but he was a connoisseur of hangovers and this wasn’t the same kind of headache. There was no urge to have a heart-to-heart talk with the porcelain god. Instead, it just felt like his head had been split open by Goku’s nyoi-bo.
But hell did he have to piss! Gojyo shifted his weight to roll off the bed, and stopped with a surprised cry of pain. When the hell…? That was when his spotty memories came crashing back to him, making his head throb with each new memory falling into place.
The kappa remembered very well the night when Hakkai had broadly hinted he had no feelings for him. That was the night he decided to drown his sorrows in alcohol. Gojyo wasn’t entirely sure how long he’d been doing that; his memories were short and dim, mainly of drinking and hangovers. A few glimpses of battles fought. But there were very few memories of Hakkai in those pieces of memory. Had he been avoiding Hakkai - or was it the other way around?
“Hey, you awake,” asked a surprisingly quiet voice.
Gojyo twitched in surprise, hissing at the sharp pain it caused. Carefully, he turned to see Goku half in the room, looking concerned.
“Yeah, but I gotta piss. Gimme a hand up, will ya?” Gojyo was shocked at how rusty his voice sounded. How long had it been since he’d used it?
“Nuh uh. Hakkai said to tell him the moment you were awake.”
“Come on, Goku, I gotta pee,” Gojyo whined. “You gonna let me embarrass myself before you go get Hakkai?”
“You don’t need my help to do that, erokappa,” replied Goku, his tone suddenly angry. “Hakkai’s a mess, tryin’ to get you well again.”
Gojyo felt ridiculously pleased by the last half of that statement before he ruthlessly buried it. “Help me to the can, and then you can get Hakkai. Unless you want to tell him why we’d have to change the sheets.”
Grumbling, Goku agreed. The young youkai helped the kappa to the bathroom. After making sure that Gojyo wouldn’t topple over, the golden-eyed young man allowed him his privacy.
Finishing his business, sweating and trembling from the exertion of making it to the bathroom, Gojyo was alarmed by his weakness. He couldn’t ever remember feeling like this before, no matter how much he fought or drank. Splashing water on his face, the red-head was not looking forward to what Hakkai was going to say about his condition, knowing that Hakkai was going to politely skin him alive with soft, yet extremely pointed words.
Stumbling to the door, using the wall to support him, Gojyo opened it, nearly falling backwards in surprise. Instead of Goku, Hakkai waited there, green eyes anxious.
“Gojyo,” asked Hakkai’s overly-pleasant voice. “If you had needed to use the facilities, there was a bedpan in the room.”
“I’m a big boy, Ma,” sulked the kappa. “I made it down the hall to the bathroom.”
“Not without help,” Hakkai pointed out, stepping back to allow Gojyo to come out of the bathroom. “Goku told me you needed to use him as a crutch.”
“Whatever.” Gojyo’s temper was starting to rise at the overly solicitous tone his friend was using. He wasn’t a baby that needed to be coddled. Yeah, he got hurt, but he was getting better, right?
With a sigh, Hakkai moved to stand next to him, placing Gojyo’s arm around his shoulder so he could be used as a living crutch. Gojyo stared at him as the converted youkai took a couple of steps forward, his shock allowing him to be carried along. What the hell was Hakkai doing? Before he could say anything, the sound of a lighter made him turn his head.
Gojyo watched as hooded purple eyes flicked back and forth between himself and Hakkai, as Sanzo inhaled his cigarette. Removing the cancer stick from his mouth, he blew out the smoke.
“Hn.” He smirked, his voice dripping condescension and amusement. “You two idiots deserve each other.”
He passed by them on his way to his own room, deliberately bumping into Hakkai’s shoulder, which pushed the converted youkai against Gojyo. Hakkai stumbled, trying to keep both of them upright. Finally, he regained his balance, and Gojyo could sense his friend’s glare at the monk’s back.
“Come Gojyo,” said Hakkai, irritation plain in his voice, “let’s check your bandages.”
Gojyo knew better than to argue with that tone of voice.
Later, after he’d been fed and Hakkai had helped him to and from the facilities again, Gojyo allowed himself to slip into a light doze as Hakkai changed his bandages. He was able to relax, for the first time in a long while, under the deft, yet still caring fingers of his best friend. If he continued to let himself drift the red head could fool himself into thinking that the brunette’s touches were that of a lover, instead of a healer. His mind floated back to the shitty monk’s words of a few hours earlier. He wondered what Sanzo had meant by them; he was sure that the blonde hadn’t meant what Gojyo wanted them to mean. Hakkai didn’t think of him that way. And yet….
His mind whispered to him, traitorously, that Hakkai had actually touched him, back there in the hall. Had, in fact, half-carried him back to bed after the run-in with the corrupt monk. The healer had also kept him from whining and complaining like he always did when he was hurt. In fact, Gojyo hadn’t been allowed to say a word in the aftermath of the “confrontation.” Not in his own defense for trying to drown himself at the bottom of a bottle, nor in an attempt to make things “normal” again between them.
At this point, even that was better than the awful sense of limbo and dread that hung between them right now.
Making up his mind, Gojyo decided that, first thing in the morning, he was going to try to make things right; back to being best friends with Hakkai. Back to what they’d had before he had allowed his “feelings” to get in the way. But for tonight, he was going to relax and simply enjoy the sensation of Hakkai touching him for a change.
Gojyo had long ago decided he would take what he could get out of life. If this was what he could get, then so be it. He wasn’t willing to give up what he did have reaching for a pipe dream.
A familiar warmth spreading across his chest interrupted the kappa’s thoughts. Hakkai was giving him another healing treatment. He twitched slightly, but didn’t open his eyes. After a few minutes, the warmth ebbed away, leaving him feeling better. The touch of slim fingers against his chest, however, did not stop. The hanyou resisted the urge to open his eyes and look at Hakkai. Instead, he continued to lay still, his breathing slow and steady; as if he was asleep. A part of Gojyo hoped that if Hakkai thought he really was out of it, maybe the healer would continue to touch him.
It was such an about-face for the converted youkai. Gojyo usually had to practically move mountains to get the other man to allow anyone, including Gojyo himself (especially Gojyo himself), to touch him except in an emergency. Of course, the red head realized, heart sinking, that in a way, this was an emergency. This was the closest yet that he had come to dying on this field trip from hell, and since he was the person that Hakkai was closest to, it stood to reason that the brunette might want some tactile assurance that Gojyo was still alive and breathing.
Damn, he hated logic.
There was nothing special about Hakkai’s sudden urge to reach out and touch him. Just an awkward attempt to reassure himself that his best friend was still alive and kicking after the beating he’d taken. That he was still breathing, anyway, after nearly kicking the bucket. Nothing more.
Gojyo nearly stopped breathing when those cool fingers left his chest and moved into his hair. Hakkai never touched his hair. Ever. Those strong, beautiful fingers that he’d admired since he had saved the bleeding stranger on the road all those years ago, were threading through his long, red hair in a strangely intimate gesture. It was all he could do to continue to keep his breathing even, and not let on that he was really awake.
“Yare yare, Gojyo,” breathed Hakkai, voice trembling slightly. “So very troublesome.”
Gojyo was not thrilled at the way the converted youkai said those words. About to open his eyes, another fleeting touch froze him. It was the brush of lips against his forehead, slightly warm, a bit chapped, and utterly masculine. That soft, momentary touch held the hanyou still, not even daring to breath. Had he hallucinated that?
“But that’s the way you are, and I wouldn’t change anything about you,” said the healer, his voice still a barely-heard whisper. “You wouldn’t be Gojyo, otherwise.”
Now Gojyo knew he was either dreaming or hallucinating. Then he heard the springs of the bed he was laying on squeak as Hakkai moved. Suddenly, there was a soft pressure as those same lips that had brushed his forehead now kissed him chastely on his own lips.
Stunned, the kappa lay still for a moment, before daring to open his eyes, sure that when he did, Hakkai would disappear like the dream he must be. But no, the converted youkai healer was right there, just beginning to pull back from the soft kiss. He saw green eyes catch sight of him, widening in shock and surprise as a flush began to creep up into Hakkai’s face. Knowing his best friend as well as he did, Gojyo’s hand shot out and grabbed the black sleeve of his tunic to keep him from fleeing.
“Holy shit, Hakkai, did you just kiss me?”
0o0o0o0o0o
Link to Chapter 7