V-Day.
V-Day.
Hero woke up suddenly, sitting up abruptly and rubbing his eyes in frustration. When his fingers came back soaked with salty liquid on them, he cringed.
“Aish, was I crying? Why? What the hell kind of a dream was that…? Clearly I would have won that contest, anyway. I looked fabulous on that stage, if my dream memory serves me right. Stupid Heechulsica whatever his/her name is and his stupid obsession with SNSD and Jessica and his stupid femininity and stupid lies about my manliness,” he muttered to himself darkly, massaging his temple.
Hero’s mood, it was clear, did not change through the night.
He started to get out of bed and cleared his throat as he did so. Was he getting sick? His voice sounded a little funny. Maybe it was because of Micky and Xiah- they always snuck out at night during storms to go play soccer without manager-hyung knowing because only idiots did that, therefore their superior wouldn’t suspect. Key phrase: only idiots did that. And then the childish men would come back to the dorm, soaking wet and dragging sick germs and dirt everywhere, leaving Hero to clean up after them. It was inevitable the poor fragile man would get tackled by sickness eventually.
‘Tch, what’s so great about soccer? Badminton’s better,’ he thought.
After putting his bed back in order and carefully looking through his dresser and closet, the singer grabbed a change of clothes for the day and a towel, getting ready for his trek to the bathroom.
And what a trek it was indeed, for Hero made it a daily mission to make it from Point A (his bedroom) to Point B (the shower, right across the hallway) without making a noise so as not to disturb The Beast. If he played his cards right, all would go well and he would avoid being forced into unwanted relations with the stovetop and its counterpart, the refrigerator.
Slowly, Hero’s door opened. Not a sound.
Slowly, his door closed. Still not a sound.
Shallow breaths, tiptoeing sock-clad feet, wide eyes.
Hero was halfway there when his belt fell onto the ground from his hands, creating a very faint clinking sound in the process. Just then, the familiar sound of sheets ruffling and a deep groaning came from the room diagonally across the hall.
Hero Jaejoong thought he would never, ever have the desire to wear a belt again in his life. ‘Oh, no,’ he thought. He closed his eyes for a brief second, willing God to change his likeness to anyone, anyone, even Heechul at this point, despite his fierce anger at the woman. Anything but Omma Hero, the damn cook.
“Hyung~!” Max exclaimed, holding onto his bedroom door with one hand casually slinging over the top of it like it wasn’t 6-feet high. Damn, the kid was fast. “Hyung, what’s for breakfast?” he asked, smiling innocently with still sleep-crusted eyes and unruly hair flying every which way. Oh, innocence. He had anything but, this little human disposal machine. Who needs a dog to eat scraps and anything else edible when you have a Max?
Hero slowly walked towards the bathroom door, one foot scooting in front of the other. Max watched him with slit-like eyes, a glazed predatory look on his features.
‘My goodness. He’s like a walking corpse, barely awake. Is his body forcing him to stand with the thought of food alone?’
That gave the older man an idea.
“You are sleeping, Max,” Hero whispered, waving his hands in a very unconvincing whimsical style. “This is a dream. And in this dream, if you stay awake and out of bed like this, you’ll never get breakfast in time, okay? Go back, Max,” he finished, eyes big with slight worry as to how his plan would work.
“Go back…” Hero lightly pushed the obliging, tired younger man back into his bedroom and ran for the bathroom door as soon as he heard the springs of Max’s mattress strain under his slight weight.
The relieved singer leaned against the closed door, felt the cool wood on his face and breathed in and out calmly. “I did it!” he whispered under his breath excitedly, smirking. A giggle squeaked from his mouth, and it sounded very out of place.
‘See, Cinderella? I can giggle every bit as cute and girly as you can. I’m feminine and not manly, and you know it. A true feminine beauty,’ he added silently, then kicked himself for thinking that. Really, he had to stop thinking things that were in reality not things to be proud of. He was a man, damnit! Why be so upset for looking manly? Manly was good. Yay for arm muscles and washboard abs! Woo.
……
Stupid Heesica. It was all… his fault Hero was bothered by being called manly in the first place. ‘I’m too damn pretty for this mental anxiety,’ he confided inwardly, a bothered sigh daintily escaping his lips.
Hero brushed his teeth and his hair. He made faces in the mirror and checked his skin for blemishes, and found that for the 400th week in a row he had gone acne-free. He decided on the color of his contacts for the day (a dazzling deep royal blue), and was soon all set to go into the shower.
He began to take off his big night shirt when he noticed there was something quite- quite- different about himself this fine morning, compared to all the others.
He put his shirt back on and sucked in a big breath. He looked back into the mirror, and saw literally nothing different about his face or hair from any other day.
He touched his throat. ‘Omo- it’s not there!’ he realized, panicked, as he felt no lump there but smooth skin instead.
He closed his eyes, puts his hands together in a quick salute-like prayer to Siwon’s #1 Man, and did one last, fail-safe check.
Hero pulled down his plaid sleeping pants, and then his boxers.
A loud scream reverberated through the entire dorm. It was so loud it might have even reached the streets and the ears of innocent passerby.
Amazingly, only one DBSK member awakened- Max. (Yunho was out cold and nothing, not even the reunification of Korea or a group of screaming, rampaging fan girls could wake him. Not that anyone would want to- he was a drooler, that one. Micky and Xiah were both in the living room sleeping on the floor, also out cold. It had only been two hours since they arrived back inside after a game of soccer earlier on in the morning. There had been a thunderstorm.)
Honestly, Max hadn’t even gone back to sleep, instead going along with Hero’s really bad attempt at making him believe he was dreaming his Magic Cooking King hyung had awoken. Oh, he knew. He always knew the truth. He was only pretending so Hero could give him food later on for following his orders so nicely. (Again, who needs a dog when you have a Max? So very obedient.)
“Hyung?” the concerned man called through the bathroom door to a sobbing Hero- (or should we call her Hiffany?)- on the other side. She lay rolled into a ball, tears pouring down her face as she realized the gravity of the situation.
‘I’m not a hyung; I’m a damn noona now! I hate everything!’ she replied in her head.
“Hyung?” Max called out again, knocking this time. “Why are you crying?”
“I just-“ Hero gasped, gathering air and a realistic explanation- “I had another one of those d-dreams… You know, where Yunho’s p-punishing me,” she finally managed to spit out.
Awkward.
“Gee, I, uh… I… wow. Really? Again? Those happen more frequently nowadays, don’t they? Hehe… ah… um… you- you gonna be alright? Oh, hang on, phone’s ringing,” the maknae said, relieved voice fading into the background as he reached for the telephone.
Pushing aside the fact that Max didn’t even notice how different his voice sounded- because he was a girl, damnit!- Hero thought on his- oh, God, her- situation. How did this all happen? How? He went to sleep, he woke up. He didn’t visit a creepy fortune teller recently, didn’t have a fairy godmother, knew no witches, had no mythical family relations, no enemies that he knew of… well, that he had seen and/or been wished ill by recently…
Even though it’s not that his enemies would wish this on him anyway, but rather his fans. He- no, she- read fan fictions. He- no, she, damnit!- knew her fans. The bastards.
But how could this have-
“Hyung?” Max came back after talking on the phone for a bit. “That was Hankyung. Heechul asked him to call and tell you, and I quote, ‘that he doesn’t care what the circumstances are, screaming that loud so early in the morning is uncalled for and some people need their beauty rest.’ Also, apparently you owe him $50 for new sheets because Heebum destroyed his in a mini kitty panic attack after your, and again I quote, ‘ungodly scream from Hell.’ Siwon also wants to know if you want to go to church with him on Sunday to repent for said ungodly scream. And Sungmin wants to know if you’re okay and wanted me to remind you he is hands-down still cuter, and that reminded Eunhyuk who wants to know when the best time is for him to come over to see Xiah and Kangin wanted me to tell ‘the Ugly Stepsister’ thanks for giving him such good blackmail fodder,” the younger managed to actually gasp out in one breath.
Hero smacked her forehead, understanding finally. ‘That’s it! This… all of this… is Heechul’s fault!’ She stood up to leave the bathroom before she realized she hadn’t even showered yet. Girl or no, she was certainly not going to be in a better mental state without being clean.
Completely forgetting Max’s presence on the other side of the bathroom door and not answering to his impressive phone relay, Hero tried to think things through.
First, shower. Next, confront the other members about her nonsensical gender-swapping spurt. Afterwards, find comfort in said members and/or outside help- because this was a big issue. You don’t sprout a uterus just any old day, now do you?
Finally, find Kim Heechul and kill him with her bare hands.
~**~ A/N: I WANT A MAX. Don't you? So good for scraps and other various things involving that mouth... (you pervert XD) =P ~**~
Comments are full of magic and I wish to visit Narnia. Help me? XD