V-Day.: A Resignation Letter from DBSK's Manager.
A Resignation Letter from DBSK’s Manager.
Dear Lee Soo Man-sshi,
I know that this is very sudden, but I’m going to have to request my immediate resignation from my position as manager.
I initially took this job thinking that I could handle the stress that came alongside working with five of the most famous men in all of Asia. I thought to myself, “Hey- this could be fun!” And let me tell you something- it was. As in past tense; as in not anymore.
It all started with nice trips to and from Japan, cheerful photo shoots in fanciful countries, free things from various companies, the chance to meet all kinds of celebrities and a salary that I am thankful for every single day despite all of the vacation time I sacrifice for it.
But now… I’ve had time to think things through.
Soo Man, sir, I have to let you know something. I think that each and every one of the members has developed some kind of personality disorder. At first I thought it was just quirky parts of their characters, but now I’m not so positive. Sure, Xiah has a funny laugh- it’s cute, gets the girls swarming towards him, etc. But it’s harmless, right? And so what if Micky hits on everything that breathes? It makes him the “bad boy.” If Max can’t stop eating, can we blame him? He’s a growing boy, after all. Is Jaejoong narcissistic, or just as inevitably entranced with himself as everyone else on the face of the planet is? I certainly don’t blame him.
And Yunho… well, sir, this is why I’m resigning.
Yunho is the leader for a reason, sir. Jung Yunho is a man who gets things done. Out of the entire group, no matter what happens, he is prepared. He has never once faltered. The man has never even stained his shirt while eating, not once- he’s that careful! I’m sure his mother was thankful for that while he was a kid. But I digress; Yunho, sir.
Like the rest of those men, Yunho has now lost his sanity, as well. I don’t really know how to put it, but… I think he’s developed the need to create another personality for himself. What is that called again? Multiple Personality Disorder? Yeah, that’s it- he has that. I’m sure of it.
A couple of minutes ago he called me, sir. His voice sounded very strained and he was whispering. When I asked why, he responded, “Because I am in the linen closet.” When I asked why he was in the linen closet, he responded, “Because I need a break from reality.” When I asked why he needed a break from reality, he responded, “Because nothing is what it seems anymore!” and burst into tears.
He managed to calm himself down in a few seconds, though. And so then he said, “It smells like lavender in here. Did you know Hero washes our linens in lavender-scented detergent? Omo, H-“ And those tears again, sir. Hearing a grown man cry is kind of disturbing.
Tell me, does this sound like Yunho to you, sir? Can you imagine that handsome devil in the middle of one of your meetings, and then he suddenly bursts into a bout of hysterics? It’s not good for the media, sir. Fangirls will “ooh” and “ah,” but businessmen will not.
Not the ones that can be trusted, anyway.
There is more to my story, however. So Yunho’s crying and I’m kind of cringing on the other end of the phone because I’m not sure what to say because most of our conversations consist of daily greetings or talking about serious topics like how much food will be left over for the staff after Max gets to the buffet backstage. And I couldn’t very well say, “Well, don’t cry, Yunho- we’ll just order more spinach dip, alright? Shh, shh-“ now could I? So you see my predicament, sir.
I’m going to make this story short, Soo Man, sir.
Yunho asked me to give him money. When I asked him why, he said, “Because I need to buy clothes.” When I asked him why he needed to buy clothes, he said, “Because I am helping someone get accustomed to a new lifestyle.” When I asked him who he needed to help accustom to a new lifestyle, he said, “Someone who is very close to me. Very close.” When I asked what this new lifestyle was, he said, “JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN MONEY, YOU CROOK!”
Needless to say, I was offended. But I was more concerned for Yunho. So of course, I agreed and immediately transferred the money into his account. Those muscles are intimidating, after all.
And then Yunho mumbled something about calling a hyung to help him with his problems- I didn’t quite catch the name, though. Who could he possibly call that would deal with him in this state? Who could possibly understand all the mental stress he’s going through?
No one, sir. No one I can possibly think of, anyway.
But before he hung up in the background I heard a whimper (and I think it was Max’s voice), and all I know was I heard another voice (and I think it was Hero’s) yelling at the whimperer, and then the sound of a blowtorch. And then someone (I think it was Yunho) screamed something about “NOT AGAIN!” and mentioned buying new dresses and tights and then the sounds suddenly stopped. And then I heard Yunho laughing, but it was that creepy laughter that makes you rethink all the times you’ve ever talked to that person and they’ve seemed sane.
Let me just tell you, sir- I don’t think Yunho’s that sane anymore.
Okay, see- it was hard to decipher everything when it was all happening at once, but… I think Yunho wants to buy girl clothes for himself. I honestly think the stress of being the leader of DBSK has forced him to need to create another personality to escape all the pressure. It makes sense, right? Telling me he’s helping someone “very close to him” get “accustomed to a new lifestyle,” and even going so far as asking for money to buy girls clothes; it all fits!
Lee Soo Man, I think Yunho’s going Double X (chromosome) on us. And don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t personally bother me at all if he wants to dress up like a saucy little maid and frolic the streets at night with the nickname Candy; but it does bother me professionally.
And I don’t care how famous Yunho is- you just can’t come back from that kind of stuff. You just can’t.
You remember that whole ordeal with Sungmin, right? I don’t ever want to see a man look so proud in a bikini ever again. Thank God Kyuhyun managed to tackle-hug him to the ground with a towel and make everything hush-hush before the confused boy could make it to that surprise SNSD pool party; otherwise Sungmin was sure to get caught by the media. Kyuhyun’s such a good little maknae.
Anyway, that is besides the point- Lee Soo Man-sshi, I can’t deal with this anymore. I’m not just concerned for Yunho; I’m worried about all of the members. I don’t know if they are overworked or what, but I am certainly not ending up like the stylist-noona. All sixteen of them. Every single one has run from the dressing rooms at some point in tears. We all take bets now- I think the new one will last about 13 days, max. You want in, too?
No, wait- I forgot.
I’m resigning.
So there you have it- Yunho thinks he’s a woman, everyone- EVERYONE- has gone insane, and I think you might want to check up on Max as soon as you can… I’m a bit confused as to his whereabouts, to be completely honest.
I enjoyed working with you, sir. It was an honor. A true honor.
I just can’t do this shit anymore.
Let Me Quit in Peace (I Beg of You),
-Manager Man-
P.S.: As their previous manager, I suggest a mental check-up of all five DBSK members. Actually, I’d say they’re in deep need of familial therapy, too. Just saying.
P.P.S.: And I’d like my final check in the mail. You understand, right? Please don’t make me go back there again.
A/N: I totally feel your pain, manager man. Totally. XDDD
Leave a pity comment for panic!Yunnie? =D