Phantom Pain - Stefan/Elena - PG - Angst - 1/1
This is a long time coming... For some reason I couldn't bring myself to write for months! :(
Title: Phantom Pain
Author: force-oblique
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Stefan-centric (pov), Stefan/Elena
Spoilers/Warnings: Based on the tv-show, spoilers for last Stefan/Elena scene in 2x06
Summary:It's like she is saying that if it were up to her you would never spend another minute without touching each other, feeling each other. And you know it is true, so all you can do is nod, because if you part your lips now, it will be to feel her, taste her, kiss her into sweet oblivion, till nothing else matters, but you know it does, so you just nod and you hope that your pain doesn't show on your face, because you don't want to hurt her anymore.
Word Count: 2390
Author's Notes: I'm mostly a Damon/Elena shipper, so the mere fact that I felt the need to write this speaks volumes about the impact this scene had on me and the perfection that was Paul's acting in it. I am not ashamed to admit that it moved me to tears!
Phantom Pain:Phantom pain sensations are described as perceptions that an individual experiences relating to a limb or an organ that is not physically part of the body. Limb loss is a result of either removal by amputation or congenital limb deficiency.
~ English is not my native language, so excuse any crappiness and/or mistakes!
This is my fourth Vampire Diaries fanfiction and my first Stefan/Elena, so please be lenient!
Comments will be greatly appreciated! :)
Dedication: To pasadora: Thanks for everything hun! Now, I finally see why you loved Stefan/Elena all this time<3
Crossposted at stefan-elena, tvd-fic,vdiaries-fanfic, tvd-tv
PHANTOM PAIN - Stefan/Elena - [1/1]
You stare at the fire in the fireplace and you feel as if it is you burning.
Every lick of the flame around the piece of wood feels like a lick on your soul, consuming it, corroding it.
You can feel Elena behind you, long before she actually comes through the door.
You don't want to turn around. You need a little more time to think, to deal with this, to make it smaller in your mind, so that the horrible weight of it will not register or will take longer till it rests on your chest.
But you have to turn. It is what she expects you to do, it is what you should do.
So you do; keeping your arms crossed over your chest, as if that would be enough to protect you from this... But nothing can really protect you from this.
Not when she already has tears in her eyes, not when her steps sound heavy and defeated, when all the sorrow she feels inside has seeped its way through her skin, escaping the surface, floating in the air, drenching you in agony.
She is leaning against furniture as she walks, as if it is difficult for her to stand on her feet.
And as for you, you only find the strength to shake your head.
Which is nothing compared to what you wish you were doing.
Hugging her, consoling her, telling her that everything is going to be alright, no matter what fate and Katherine sends your way.
But that would be a lie and you have never been good at lying.
“I'm so sorry” you only mumble, but it's like someone else is using your mouth, talking, someone who can be calm through this and composed, because you are certain that you can't.
So it cannot be you, can it?
Is it?
It is only when Elena shakes her head, too and utters “We were stupid” that the reality of this starts to sink in. Although, you are not sure if it ever will, if it ever should.
It is unfair and too horrific to ponder.
But like a blood-thirsty monster, its jaws are gnawing at you now.
“Sneaking around, thinking that we weren't gonna get caught” Elena goes on.
And she does more that stating the obvious, because you should have seen it coming, you really should.
Trying to deceive Katherine?
Fool her when she is the queen of deceit? The one that made you who you are?
It WAS stupid.
She has been around centuries before you were even a cell inside your mothers' womb and sometimes when you think about Katherine you still feel so small, so minuscule.
“I know” you just say, trying to focus your eyes on Elena, the same eyes that are threatening to be overcome with liquid grief - your tears- like a paper ship carried away by the unforgiving rain.
“We did this... Stefan...” Elena almost whispers and God; her words hurt you more than a million suns would or could, had you not the ring. They are almost the end of you.
“Jenna is in the hospital and Jeremy could be next...” she says and just like that, you know.
It is out of your hands, it is not something you can chase away with your arms around her.
It's not a bad dream you can erase with your sweet, soft words.
“All because we didn't listen to her, because we are together” Elena sighs and takes a step closer. She is closer to you now and yet she feels so much further away.
How can something that feels so right, something that you have been waiting for for the duration of your existence be so wrong for the one you love?
How can it make her so sad, cause her so much heartache?
Your love for her should have kept her safe, it should have made her happy and made her life easier.
Instead, it put her at risk. It put everything and everyone she holds dear in danger and it is all your fault.
“Stefan” she starts again and you just can't bear it. Nothing could have prepared you for this.
Your face is already moving on its own. Threatening to explode and uncover the deluge of tears, the tide of sorrow just rising and falling beneath your skin, your lips trembling.
“I know what you are gonna say to me” you find the courage to whisper; your voice would break up if you had to speak any louder.
And you don't want to hear her say it. You know it is probably the best solution, the only solution, but you still hope -despite yourself- that a miracle could happen.
Maybe if you don't hear it, maybe if she doesn't put it into actual words, it could remain a vague feeling of loss and destruction, deep and inescapable, but still vague.
Something that you can have without consequences; a shapeless, shadeless cloud inside your mind hiding you from pain or hiding pain from you.
“Then let me say it” she cuts you off, though and you can't but allow it, because maybe it's more than the formality of this, the finality.
Maybe it is too, a small, meaningless victory over Katherine, if Elena is the one saying the words on her own, then it won't feel so much like it is a forced decision imposed on her by Katherine.
“I've been so selfish, because I love you so much and I know how much you love me” Elena goes on, probably trying to lessen the damage by her previous abrupt words, no matter how justified they are, like she wants you to know that if it were up to her, you would never be apart.
You would never spend another minute without touching each other, feeling each other. And you know it is true, so all you can do is nod, because if you part your lips now, it will be to feel her, taste her, kiss her into sweet oblivion, till nothing else matters, but you know it does, so you just nod and you hope that your pain doesn't show on your face, because you don't want to hurt her anymore.
You know she is in pain and you don't want her to see yours, too, make it more difficult.
You wish you could take it away, pluck out the pain from her heart and soul like a weed from the soil, never setting roots in it again, but you are useless, you feel worthless and your words and tears can make no difference now.
You used to think you were powerful because you were a vampire and eternal, but look at you now... You are still a vampire and as immortal as you were before everything, but there's nothing you can do to save Elena and yourself from this.
You keep shaking your head and you don't even know if it is to deny this or to keep this overwhelming grief out of your head anymore, keep it clear long enough for you to stand up, till Elena leaves, so that she doesn't have to see you like this, crushed and undone and boneless.
Still, her words shutter you to your very core, setting your insides on fire and putting them on ice at the same time, over and over again, so that the pain, the level of anguish is alternating from unbearable to unthinkable and back again.
“But it's over, Stefan. It has to be!” you hear her say and it is just the seal over a fate worse than death, worse than anything you could imagine. A life without Elena.
A lifetime of not touching her, feeling her. Being close to her, but not close enough.
What could be worse than that? Worse than denying yourself of the woman you adore?
A lifetime of knowing that Katherine won, that she always wins and can break what's left of you repeatedly and will never stop till she tires of you.
“Elena no, I don't...” the words escape your mouth before you can stop them and you want to kill yourself for daring to utter them.
She doesn't need to know that this is tearing you up, she doesn't need to actually see you fall apart.
She already knows you love her and she can feel it in her heart that this is killing you more efficiently than a stake through your chest would.
Maybe that is why she comes even closer to you and puts her hands on your face, trying to make you look at her when all you want to do is hang your head and shed tears.
Maybe she already feels you are crushing... Like a helicopter that has stayed up in the air too long, your hope has collided with rocks - reality on its way down, never checking for "fuel"- if you had enough, if you had any... And she wants to make it better, make it go away.
“It has to be” she repeats, to convince herself or you, you don't know, but the effect is the same. You know it is for real now. It is over.
And Elena is still looking in your eyes, her warm, chocolate eyes locked on yours, rendering you almost unable to look away, even though the sight of her, the sight of you reflection in her eyes right now is unbearable, sweet and horrible at the same time, now that she can no longer be yours. Now that you can no longer be hers.
There's a fracture within you now, like a glass cracking under the pressure.
Not the pressure of love, but the pressure of hate Katherine has forced upon the both of you.
Funny you never realized you were so fragile, so easy to break.
It shouldn't be like this.
Her hands are still on you and you want to turn your head, so that you can kiss the inside of her wrist, feel her heartbeat throbbing in her veins, know that she is alive, that she is there, but that would make it worse, because you don't want to part with that heartbeat, because listening to it made the absence of yours worth it and because she will not be there for much longer, anyways.
That heartbeat was the one thing that calmed you no matter the circumstances, the one thing keeping you from being the beast you were afraid you would turn into.
And what will become of you now? How will you go on, in an eternity of perdition?
You don't know the answer to that. You can't talk, but Elena kisses you.
It's a small kiss, a kiss that lasts so little, but feels like an eon and nothing at all.
It is nothing and everything, it is heaven and hell in a fragment of a second, it is hot and cold, warm and freezing because a kiss is meant to give hope, convey affection, and it does, but this time it is meant to say goodbye, to kill a love, not nurture it.
And then - just like that- it is over and Elena just turns and walks out the door and you are left there staring at her back as she walks farther and father away, the feel of her skin, the scent of her hair lingering in the air and you want to stretch out your hands and capture it, let it envelop you, so that it stays with you longer, forever if it is possible, but you already know it is not, so your arms remain by your side, obsolete, unneeded.
You don't have the energy to move. Your legs feel heavy, pinned to the floor with a force you have never encountered before.
And the pain is blinding you, the pain is making your eyes water and your throat dry and itchy, like there's a cactus stuck inside it, pricking and drawing blood, obstructing your speech, your clarity, like you had any.
You are out of breath and when you do draw a breath it is shallow and it hurts.
You try to breathe deeper, expand your lungs as much as you can, but all you can muster is a pitiful sob.
What would Elena say if she saw you right now? what would Katherine say?
Maybe it is low even for you.
You are not a man now, you are an empty shell.
You feel empty, void, but it can't be right.
Surely you can't be that weak, but it does feel like there's a black hole within your chest, sucking everything out of you, just like Katherine took everything away from you.
How will you ever live with this hole inside of you?
If emptiness doesn't hurt, if sounds and words don't carry in the void, then what is this you are feeling inside?
You were a fool to believe that this time would be different.
You thought you had found true love with Katherine and look at what it got you.
You found true love with Elena and it got you the same.
And it hurts, it hurts so much, it's an excruciating agony situated in the top left corner of your chest, where your heart used to be when you were human.
What you feel now can only be described as a heartache.
You remember that back from the days when you were alive, when every breath, every sunrise counted and days didn't blur together in the course of the centuries.
But your heart is no longer there, is it? It must be phantom pain, because it can't be there.
And if it is, it doesn't beat anymore, it is merely an oversight that it didn't vanish the minute you turned into a vampire.
For all you know, your heart is not even there anymore.
So, it shouldn't throb with loss and despair, but it does and you feel the pain, like the pain of a limb, a part of you that you have lost hundreds of years ago, like it's still inside your chest.
And then it hits you.
You still have centuries ahead of you.
Centuries you will have to spend without Elena.
And from now on it will be just you and the phantom pain of a heart that's no longer there...
~ Fin ~
Comments are love <3
If you liked this, then WATCH this community for more fics.
Title: Phantom Pain
Author: force-oblique
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Stefan-centric (pov), Stefan/Elena
Spoilers/Warnings: Based on the tv-show, spoilers for last Stefan/Elena scene in 2x06
Summary:It's like she is saying that if it were up to her you would never spend another minute without touching each other, feeling each other. And you know it is true, so all you can do is nod, because if you part your lips now, it will be to feel her, taste her, kiss her into sweet oblivion, till nothing else matters, but you know it does, so you just nod and you hope that your pain doesn't show on your face, because you don't want to hurt her anymore.
Word Count: 2390
Author's Notes: I'm mostly a Damon/Elena shipper, so the mere fact that I felt the need to write this speaks volumes about the impact this scene had on me and the perfection that was Paul's acting in it. I am not ashamed to admit that it moved me to tears!
Phantom Pain:Phantom pain sensations are described as perceptions that an individual experiences relating to a limb or an organ that is not physically part of the body. Limb loss is a result of either removal by amputation or congenital limb deficiency.
~ English is not my native language, so excuse any crappiness and/or mistakes!
This is my fourth Vampire Diaries fanfiction and my first Stefan/Elena, so please be lenient!
Comments will be greatly appreciated! :)
Dedication: To pasadora: Thanks for everything hun! Now, I finally see why you loved Stefan/Elena all this time<3
Crossposted at stefan-elena, tvd-fic,vdiaries-fanfic, tvd-tv
PHANTOM PAIN - Stefan/Elena - [1/1]
You stare at the fire in the fireplace and you feel as if it is you burning.
Every lick of the flame around the piece of wood feels like a lick on your soul, consuming it, corroding it.
You can feel Elena behind you, long before she actually comes through the door.
You don't want to turn around. You need a little more time to think, to deal with this, to make it smaller in your mind, so that the horrible weight of it will not register or will take longer till it rests on your chest.
But you have to turn. It is what she expects you to do, it is what you should do.
So you do; keeping your arms crossed over your chest, as if that would be enough to protect you from this... But nothing can really protect you from this.
Not when she already has tears in her eyes, not when her steps sound heavy and defeated, when all the sorrow she feels inside has seeped its way through her skin, escaping the surface, floating in the air, drenching you in agony.
She is leaning against furniture as she walks, as if it is difficult for her to stand on her feet.
And as for you, you only find the strength to shake your head.
Which is nothing compared to what you wish you were doing.
Hugging her, consoling her, telling her that everything is going to be alright, no matter what fate and Katherine sends your way.
But that would be a lie and you have never been good at lying.
“I'm so sorry” you only mumble, but it's like someone else is using your mouth, talking, someone who can be calm through this and composed, because you are certain that you can't.
So it cannot be you, can it?
Is it?
It is only when Elena shakes her head, too and utters “We were stupid” that the reality of this starts to sink in. Although, you are not sure if it ever will, if it ever should.
It is unfair and too horrific to ponder.
But like a blood-thirsty monster, its jaws are gnawing at you now.
“Sneaking around, thinking that we weren't gonna get caught” Elena goes on.
And she does more that stating the obvious, because you should have seen it coming, you really should.
Trying to deceive Katherine?
Fool her when she is the queen of deceit? The one that made you who you are?
It WAS stupid.
She has been around centuries before you were even a cell inside your mothers' womb and sometimes when you think about Katherine you still feel so small, so minuscule.
“I know” you just say, trying to focus your eyes on Elena, the same eyes that are threatening to be overcome with liquid grief - your tears- like a paper ship carried away by the unforgiving rain.
“We did this... Stefan...” Elena almost whispers and God; her words hurt you more than a million suns would or could, had you not the ring. They are almost the end of you.
“Jenna is in the hospital and Jeremy could be next...” she says and just like that, you know.
It is out of your hands, it is not something you can chase away with your arms around her.
It's not a bad dream you can erase with your sweet, soft words.
“All because we didn't listen to her, because we are together” Elena sighs and takes a step closer. She is closer to you now and yet she feels so much further away.
How can something that feels so right, something that you have been waiting for for the duration of your existence be so wrong for the one you love?
How can it make her so sad, cause her so much heartache?
Your love for her should have kept her safe, it should have made her happy and made her life easier.
Instead, it put her at risk. It put everything and everyone she holds dear in danger and it is all your fault.
“Stefan” she starts again and you just can't bear it. Nothing could have prepared you for this.
Your face is already moving on its own. Threatening to explode and uncover the deluge of tears, the tide of sorrow just rising and falling beneath your skin, your lips trembling.
“I know what you are gonna say to me” you find the courage to whisper; your voice would break up if you had to speak any louder.
And you don't want to hear her say it. You know it is probably the best solution, the only solution, but you still hope -despite yourself- that a miracle could happen.
Maybe if you don't hear it, maybe if she doesn't put it into actual words, it could remain a vague feeling of loss and destruction, deep and inescapable, but still vague.
Something that you can have without consequences; a shapeless, shadeless cloud inside your mind hiding you from pain or hiding pain from you.
“Then let me say it” she cuts you off, though and you can't but allow it, because maybe it's more than the formality of this, the finality.
Maybe it is too, a small, meaningless victory over Katherine, if Elena is the one saying the words on her own, then it won't feel so much like it is a forced decision imposed on her by Katherine.
“I've been so selfish, because I love you so much and I know how much you love me” Elena goes on, probably trying to lessen the damage by her previous abrupt words, no matter how justified they are, like she wants you to know that if it were up to her, you would never be apart.
You would never spend another minute without touching each other, feeling each other. And you know it is true, so all you can do is nod, because if you part your lips now, it will be to feel her, taste her, kiss her into sweet oblivion, till nothing else matters, but you know it does, so you just nod and you hope that your pain doesn't show on your face, because you don't want to hurt her anymore.
You know she is in pain and you don't want her to see yours, too, make it more difficult.
You wish you could take it away, pluck out the pain from her heart and soul like a weed from the soil, never setting roots in it again, but you are useless, you feel worthless and your words and tears can make no difference now.
You used to think you were powerful because you were a vampire and eternal, but look at you now... You are still a vampire and as immortal as you were before everything, but there's nothing you can do to save Elena and yourself from this.
You keep shaking your head and you don't even know if it is to deny this or to keep this overwhelming grief out of your head anymore, keep it clear long enough for you to stand up, till Elena leaves, so that she doesn't have to see you like this, crushed and undone and boneless.
Still, her words shutter you to your very core, setting your insides on fire and putting them on ice at the same time, over and over again, so that the pain, the level of anguish is alternating from unbearable to unthinkable and back again.
“But it's over, Stefan. It has to be!” you hear her say and it is just the seal over a fate worse than death, worse than anything you could imagine. A life without Elena.
A lifetime of not touching her, feeling her. Being close to her, but not close enough.
What could be worse than that? Worse than denying yourself of the woman you adore?
A lifetime of knowing that Katherine won, that she always wins and can break what's left of you repeatedly and will never stop till she tires of you.
“Elena no, I don't...” the words escape your mouth before you can stop them and you want to kill yourself for daring to utter them.
She doesn't need to know that this is tearing you up, she doesn't need to actually see you fall apart.
She already knows you love her and she can feel it in her heart that this is killing you more efficiently than a stake through your chest would.
Maybe that is why she comes even closer to you and puts her hands on your face, trying to make you look at her when all you want to do is hang your head and shed tears.
Maybe she already feels you are crushing... Like a helicopter that has stayed up in the air too long, your hope has collided with rocks - reality on its way down, never checking for "fuel"- if you had enough, if you had any... And she wants to make it better, make it go away.
“It has to be” she repeats, to convince herself or you, you don't know, but the effect is the same. You know it is for real now. It is over.
And Elena is still looking in your eyes, her warm, chocolate eyes locked on yours, rendering you almost unable to look away, even though the sight of her, the sight of you reflection in her eyes right now is unbearable, sweet and horrible at the same time, now that she can no longer be yours. Now that you can no longer be hers.
There's a fracture within you now, like a glass cracking under the pressure.
Not the pressure of love, but the pressure of hate Katherine has forced upon the both of you.
Funny you never realized you were so fragile, so easy to break.
It shouldn't be like this.
Her hands are still on you and you want to turn your head, so that you can kiss the inside of her wrist, feel her heartbeat throbbing in her veins, know that she is alive, that she is there, but that would make it worse, because you don't want to part with that heartbeat, because listening to it made the absence of yours worth it and because she will not be there for much longer, anyways.
That heartbeat was the one thing that calmed you no matter the circumstances, the one thing keeping you from being the beast you were afraid you would turn into.
And what will become of you now? How will you go on, in an eternity of perdition?
You don't know the answer to that. You can't talk, but Elena kisses you.
It's a small kiss, a kiss that lasts so little, but feels like an eon and nothing at all.
It is nothing and everything, it is heaven and hell in a fragment of a second, it is hot and cold, warm and freezing because a kiss is meant to give hope, convey affection, and it does, but this time it is meant to say goodbye, to kill a love, not nurture it.
And then - just like that- it is over and Elena just turns and walks out the door and you are left there staring at her back as she walks farther and father away, the feel of her skin, the scent of her hair lingering in the air and you want to stretch out your hands and capture it, let it envelop you, so that it stays with you longer, forever if it is possible, but you already know it is not, so your arms remain by your side, obsolete, unneeded.
You don't have the energy to move. Your legs feel heavy, pinned to the floor with a force you have never encountered before.
And the pain is blinding you, the pain is making your eyes water and your throat dry and itchy, like there's a cactus stuck inside it, pricking and drawing blood, obstructing your speech, your clarity, like you had any.
You are out of breath and when you do draw a breath it is shallow and it hurts.
You try to breathe deeper, expand your lungs as much as you can, but all you can muster is a pitiful sob.
What would Elena say if she saw you right now? what would Katherine say?
Maybe it is low even for you.
You are not a man now, you are an empty shell.
You feel empty, void, but it can't be right.
Surely you can't be that weak, but it does feel like there's a black hole within your chest, sucking everything out of you, just like Katherine took everything away from you.
How will you ever live with this hole inside of you?
If emptiness doesn't hurt, if sounds and words don't carry in the void, then what is this you are feeling inside?
You were a fool to believe that this time would be different.
You thought you had found true love with Katherine and look at what it got you.
You found true love with Elena and it got you the same.
And it hurts, it hurts so much, it's an excruciating agony situated in the top left corner of your chest, where your heart used to be when you were human.
What you feel now can only be described as a heartache.
You remember that back from the days when you were alive, when every breath, every sunrise counted and days didn't blur together in the course of the centuries.
But your heart is no longer there, is it? It must be phantom pain, because it can't be there.
And if it is, it doesn't beat anymore, it is merely an oversight that it didn't vanish the minute you turned into a vampire.
For all you know, your heart is not even there anymore.
So, it shouldn't throb with loss and despair, but it does and you feel the pain, like the pain of a limb, a part of you that you have lost hundreds of years ago, like it's still inside your chest.
And then it hits you.
You still have centuries ahead of you.
Centuries you will have to spend without Elena.
And from now on it will be just you and the phantom pain of a heart that's no longer there...
~ Fin ~
Comments are love <3
If you liked this, then WATCH this community for more fics.