Forgiven
For the SuJu 100 Fic Challenge!
My first entry!
Title: Forgiven
Theme: #011 Rooftops
Pairing: HanKyung/SungMin
Rating: PG-16?
Warnings: Angst, Character Death
Word Count: 1,637
Archive: Here
A/N: I haven't had the time to type up another entry to MatchMakers today, so here's something I wrote a while ago but haven't remembered to post. Hope you guys like it X.X
It was here where everything started, and where everything ended. Running his fingers along the flimsy fence that guarded the edge of the rooftop, he couldn’t stop the memories from rushing back.
”H-Hyung, I… I like you.”
With his face pictured so clearly in the Chinese boy’s mind, the tears came fresh, some slipping down his cheeks and dropping to the paved floor beneath him. The wind snatched the rest of them away, to land maybe on unsuspecting passerby below, who would look around and wonder if it was going to rain.
HanKyung paused, watching the boy across from him fidget with the hem of his shirt. “SungMin ah…?”
“I like you!” The boy blurted out, face as pink as the shirt he was wearing. “I’m sorry, but I can’t help it! I-I… I just…” Seeing the tears threatening to spill over those delicate cheeks, HanKyung took several steps forward in a haste, reaching out and pulling the boy flush against his chest.
“SungMin, I like you too.”
His grip on the fence tightened until his knuckles were white and he was sure the imprint of the metal would be on his hands forever, and yet he didn’t let go. Shutting his eyes, he let the name slip from his lips, as helpless to hold them back as he had been to stop the tears from falling. Both his own tears and the tears of the one he loved.
“SungMin…”
”Hannie, I don’t want you to go,” SungMin pouted kidishly, arms folded across his chest as he stood in HanKyung’s way, as if hoping he could use himself as a barrier to keep HanKyung in Korea. “You promised that when you went back to China, you’d take me with you, remember?” He knew he was being like a child, but he didn’t care.
HanKyung sighed softly, leaning down to kiss SungMin lightly on the lips. “I have to, Minne. It’s only for a few weeks, then I’ll be right back. I promise to call.”
“You won’t forget me?” SungMin asked, his voice coming out so soft and sad that it broke HanKyungs heart to hear it. He responded with another kiss, one that SungMin returned and deepened. It lasted a long time, neither of them wanting to let go, but he finally had to. “I promise I won’t,” HanKyung whispered gently against SungMin’s soft lips. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Hannie.”
Somehow, he knew that he would end up regretting the decision to leave with Super Junior M that day. SungMin went to say farewell at the airport like the others, but despite the people around him he looked so utterly alone to HanKyung as he walked through the metal doors and out of sight. Alone, and vulnerable.
It was a side to SungMin that only HanKyung had been allowed to see. Cute and bubbly SungMin, now with a sudden urge to change his image into a manlier one, no one ever saw the despair behind those eyes. The pressure was slowly becoming too much, SungMin was taking less and less pleasure in the joys of being a star, and his strength was slowly fading. He never allowed the others to see, not wanting them to worry, but ever since that one day when HanKyung walked into SungMin’s room to find the boy curled up on the bed sobbing, he had become privy to SungMin’s secret.
”It’s just too much, Hannie… Promise me you’ll stay with me? If you left, I don’t know what I’d do…”
How had this happened? What happened to the promises he made? What happened to the vows of ‘forever’? How had the same person who had held SungMin up above all the pain, turned around and shattered his world for the last time?
When he first arrived in China, he had been sure to call SungMin every spare moment he had, whether it was to talk, or just listen to the sound of each others breathing. SungMin was always happy when he called, but HanKyung knew better. He knew that SungMin was slowly falling apart, and needed HanKyung to be with him.
Being a celebrity makes one wonder what is real and what is just for the media. His love for SungMin was real; the skinship he and SiWon shared in China was for the fans only. But somehow, separated from SungMin for such a long time, he started to confuse the two. And it didn’t help that he knew SiWon liked him, but restrained himself for SungMin’s sake. SiWon was special that way; he suspected at SungMin’s failing strength, and knew HanKyung was all he had left to hold him up.
So then, why had HanKyung gone and kissed the tall male? He wasn’t sure anymore. Only that he had begun to think that the love he showed for SiWon in public was real love, and so far away from SungMin he was beginning to forget the fluttering sensation in his stomach whenever the pink-loving boy was near him. SiWon had protested at first, so he couldn’t even put the blame on SiWon. No, it was all HanKyung’s fault.
It was all HanKyungs fault, he was the one who caused SungMin’s face to fall when they finally returned from China, SiWon and HanKyung hand-in-hand. It was his fault that SungMin had ran crying to his room instead of welcoming him back with open arms. It was his fault that KyuHyun glared at him with such anger in his eyes before following SungMin. It was his fault that SiWon’s hand tightened against his, and he heard the boy murmur in despair, ”This isn’t right, gege. This isn’t wasn’t supposed to happen.”
He had stood to one side, and watched SungMin slip further and further away from them. He watched KyuHyun desperately try and fill the gap that HanKyung had left behind, but it came out to nothing. He watched SiWon sleep beside him at night, imagining SungMin beside him instead. SungMin had never been able to forgive him after that.
”SungMin ah… I’m sorry, I really am.”
“You promised me, hyung. How can I forgive you when you broke the promise you said you’d never break?”
He never had an answer to that. And SungMin had never been able to recover from losing the one stability in his life. His instability became more and more pronounced, until even DongHae was noticing SungMin wasn’t his usual happy self. On stage, he always acted the same, but in their apartment, it was rare to see SungMin smile. It was like all the life had been sucked out of him.
A month after they returned from China, the unthinkable happened. Right in this very spot, where he had first confessed his love for HanKyung… SungMin had ended his life.
HanKyung remembers the screams, the crying, the ambulance lights as the vehicle raced by. SungMin had taken advantage of the flimsy fencing around the rooftop, and jumped. There was no note left behind, no motive, but the police told them there was a picture in his pocket when he had died. A picture of HanKyung and SungMin, smiling and beaming at the camera.
He remembers the way KyuHyun watched him from the other side of the coffin at the funeral, eyes blaming him, saying that it was all his fault. If he had just remained faithful, SungMin would have had the strength to hold on that much longer. And it was his fault, every bit of it. HanKyung is able to admit it.
He remembers SiWon letting go of his hand that night, unable to stop the tears slipping down his handsome face. “I’m sorry, HanGeng,” He said softly. “I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.” Even SiWon hadn’t been able to forgive him.
Super Junior fell apart after that. DongHae and HyukJae followed KiBum back to America and went into acting. Henry and Zhou Mi founded a Chinese band under SM, but even they never really recovered from the loss. Super Junior K.R.Y. was now just K.R.Y., the three of them under a different label now, much like how Shinhwa had left. EeTeuk and KangIn quit SM altogether, and who knew where they were now.
And somehow, two years later, HanKyung found himself back at this place again, after returning from a long break in China. He gripped the fence, looking through it to the ground many stories below. He wondered what had been going through SungMin’s mind as he fell. If he regretted the decision once his feet left the building, or if he had truly believed it was the best thing to do.
Ever since that day, SungMin had been all HanKyung thought about. Because no matter what he thought his feelings for SiWon were, his true love had always been SungMin. He just hadn’t seen it until it was too late.
He pulled the fence away from the edge, slipping around it to stand on the thin border around the rooftop. The wind plucked at his sleeves, and his tears. “SungMin ah…” He spoke softly. “I’m sorry. I love you, I love you so much. And I can’t live without you. That’s why you killed yourself, right? Because you couldn’t live without me.”
There was no answer except the wind. HanKyung squeezed his eyes shut, one last tear trailing down his cheek. “Please, forgive me…”
The door to the rooftop banged open behind him. He faintly heard someone calling his name, but it didn’t matter anymore. He let go of the fence with numb fingers, arms spread out as he let himself fall.
But for the slightest moment, he felt the sensation of ghostly arms wrapping around him, and knew SungMin was with him, whispering to him those words he so desperately needed to hear.
”I forgive you.”
My first entry!
Title: Forgiven
Theme: #011 Rooftops
Pairing: HanKyung/SungMin
Rating: PG-16?
Warnings: Angst, Character Death
Word Count: 1,637
Archive: Here
A/N: I haven't had the time to type up another entry to MatchMakers today, so here's something I wrote a while ago but haven't remembered to post. Hope you guys like it X.X
It was here where everything started, and where everything ended. Running his fingers along the flimsy fence that guarded the edge of the rooftop, he couldn’t stop the memories from rushing back.
”H-Hyung, I… I like you.”
With his face pictured so clearly in the Chinese boy’s mind, the tears came fresh, some slipping down his cheeks and dropping to the paved floor beneath him. The wind snatched the rest of them away, to land maybe on unsuspecting passerby below, who would look around and wonder if it was going to rain.
HanKyung paused, watching the boy across from him fidget with the hem of his shirt. “SungMin ah…?”
“I like you!” The boy blurted out, face as pink as the shirt he was wearing. “I’m sorry, but I can’t help it! I-I… I just…” Seeing the tears threatening to spill over those delicate cheeks, HanKyung took several steps forward in a haste, reaching out and pulling the boy flush against his chest.
“SungMin, I like you too.”
His grip on the fence tightened until his knuckles were white and he was sure the imprint of the metal would be on his hands forever, and yet he didn’t let go. Shutting his eyes, he let the name slip from his lips, as helpless to hold them back as he had been to stop the tears from falling. Both his own tears and the tears of the one he loved.
“SungMin…”
”Hannie, I don’t want you to go,” SungMin pouted kidishly, arms folded across his chest as he stood in HanKyung’s way, as if hoping he could use himself as a barrier to keep HanKyung in Korea. “You promised that when you went back to China, you’d take me with you, remember?” He knew he was being like a child, but he didn’t care.
HanKyung sighed softly, leaning down to kiss SungMin lightly on the lips. “I have to, Minne. It’s only for a few weeks, then I’ll be right back. I promise to call.”
“You won’t forget me?” SungMin asked, his voice coming out so soft and sad that it broke HanKyungs heart to hear it. He responded with another kiss, one that SungMin returned and deepened. It lasted a long time, neither of them wanting to let go, but he finally had to. “I promise I won’t,” HanKyung whispered gently against SungMin’s soft lips. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Hannie.”
Somehow, he knew that he would end up regretting the decision to leave with Super Junior M that day. SungMin went to say farewell at the airport like the others, but despite the people around him he looked so utterly alone to HanKyung as he walked through the metal doors and out of sight. Alone, and vulnerable.
It was a side to SungMin that only HanKyung had been allowed to see. Cute and bubbly SungMin, now with a sudden urge to change his image into a manlier one, no one ever saw the despair behind those eyes. The pressure was slowly becoming too much, SungMin was taking less and less pleasure in the joys of being a star, and his strength was slowly fading. He never allowed the others to see, not wanting them to worry, but ever since that one day when HanKyung walked into SungMin’s room to find the boy curled up on the bed sobbing, he had become privy to SungMin’s secret.
”It’s just too much, Hannie… Promise me you’ll stay with me? If you left, I don’t know what I’d do…”
How had this happened? What happened to the promises he made? What happened to the vows of ‘forever’? How had the same person who had held SungMin up above all the pain, turned around and shattered his world for the last time?
When he first arrived in China, he had been sure to call SungMin every spare moment he had, whether it was to talk, or just listen to the sound of each others breathing. SungMin was always happy when he called, but HanKyung knew better. He knew that SungMin was slowly falling apart, and needed HanKyung to be with him.
Being a celebrity makes one wonder what is real and what is just for the media. His love for SungMin was real; the skinship he and SiWon shared in China was for the fans only. But somehow, separated from SungMin for such a long time, he started to confuse the two. And it didn’t help that he knew SiWon liked him, but restrained himself for SungMin’s sake. SiWon was special that way; he suspected at SungMin’s failing strength, and knew HanKyung was all he had left to hold him up.
So then, why had HanKyung gone and kissed the tall male? He wasn’t sure anymore. Only that he had begun to think that the love he showed for SiWon in public was real love, and so far away from SungMin he was beginning to forget the fluttering sensation in his stomach whenever the pink-loving boy was near him. SiWon had protested at first, so he couldn’t even put the blame on SiWon. No, it was all HanKyung’s fault.
It was all HanKyungs fault, he was the one who caused SungMin’s face to fall when they finally returned from China, SiWon and HanKyung hand-in-hand. It was his fault that SungMin had ran crying to his room instead of welcoming him back with open arms. It was his fault that KyuHyun glared at him with such anger in his eyes before following SungMin. It was his fault that SiWon’s hand tightened against his, and he heard the boy murmur in despair, ”This isn’t right, gege. This isn’t wasn’t supposed to happen.”
He had stood to one side, and watched SungMin slip further and further away from them. He watched KyuHyun desperately try and fill the gap that HanKyung had left behind, but it came out to nothing. He watched SiWon sleep beside him at night, imagining SungMin beside him instead. SungMin had never been able to forgive him after that.
”SungMin ah… I’m sorry, I really am.”
“You promised me, hyung. How can I forgive you when you broke the promise you said you’d never break?”
He never had an answer to that. And SungMin had never been able to recover from losing the one stability in his life. His instability became more and more pronounced, until even DongHae was noticing SungMin wasn’t his usual happy self. On stage, he always acted the same, but in their apartment, it was rare to see SungMin smile. It was like all the life had been sucked out of him.
A month after they returned from China, the unthinkable happened. Right in this very spot, where he had first confessed his love for HanKyung… SungMin had ended his life.
HanKyung remembers the screams, the crying, the ambulance lights as the vehicle raced by. SungMin had taken advantage of the flimsy fencing around the rooftop, and jumped. There was no note left behind, no motive, but the police told them there was a picture in his pocket when he had died. A picture of HanKyung and SungMin, smiling and beaming at the camera.
He remembers the way KyuHyun watched him from the other side of the coffin at the funeral, eyes blaming him, saying that it was all his fault. If he had just remained faithful, SungMin would have had the strength to hold on that much longer. And it was his fault, every bit of it. HanKyung is able to admit it.
He remembers SiWon letting go of his hand that night, unable to stop the tears slipping down his handsome face. “I’m sorry, HanGeng,” He said softly. “I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.” Even SiWon hadn’t been able to forgive him.
Super Junior fell apart after that. DongHae and HyukJae followed KiBum back to America and went into acting. Henry and Zhou Mi founded a Chinese band under SM, but even they never really recovered from the loss. Super Junior K.R.Y. was now just K.R.Y., the three of them under a different label now, much like how Shinhwa had left. EeTeuk and KangIn quit SM altogether, and who knew where they were now.
And somehow, two years later, HanKyung found himself back at this place again, after returning from a long break in China. He gripped the fence, looking through it to the ground many stories below. He wondered what had been going through SungMin’s mind as he fell. If he regretted the decision once his feet left the building, or if he had truly believed it was the best thing to do.
Ever since that day, SungMin had been all HanKyung thought about. Because no matter what he thought his feelings for SiWon were, his true love had always been SungMin. He just hadn’t seen it until it was too late.
He pulled the fence away from the edge, slipping around it to stand on the thin border around the rooftop. The wind plucked at his sleeves, and his tears. “SungMin ah…” He spoke softly. “I’m sorry. I love you, I love you so much. And I can’t live without you. That’s why you killed yourself, right? Because you couldn’t live without me.”
There was no answer except the wind. HanKyung squeezed his eyes shut, one last tear trailing down his cheek. “Please, forgive me…”
The door to the rooftop banged open behind him. He faintly heard someone calling his name, but it didn’t matter anymore. He let go of the fence with numb fingers, arms spread out as he let himself fall.
But for the slightest moment, he felt the sensation of ghostly arms wrapping around him, and knew SungMin was with him, whispering to him those words he so desperately needed to hear.
”I forgive you.”