Words I never said for rockchanyeol [1/2]
For: rockchanyeol
Title: Words I Never Said
Pairing(s): Chanyeol /D.O, Chanyeol /Chen, Chen /Baekhyun
Rating: PG-13
Length: 11k
Summary: Although they live in a society in which everyone’s partner is decided by the government, Chanyeol and Jongdae fall in love anyway.
Author's note: Thank you to N for helping me in writing this fic! To my recipient: I may have strayed from your prompts, but I hope you enjoy this. Random quotes were taken from Jiro Wang's "I Should Love You."
Their new apartment is too small. There are boxes stacked up in every corner. Baekhyun and Chanyeol run around the boxes, trying to scare each other. They get in the way of adults trying to bring more boxes inside.
The front door's left open for the movers. Chanyeol is planning on scaring Baekhyun from behind the fireplace when Baekhyun suddenly shrieks.
"Help!" he screams, running to hide behind Chanyeol.
"What?" Chanyeol tries to look past the boxes. Maybe there's a bug on the floor. Or maybe Baekhyun was trying to scare him by being scared. Either way, it didn't work.
It's actually a puppy, and a cute, fluffy one at that. Baekhyun whimpers, trying to melt into the wall. The puppy ignores him, dancing around the room and wagging his tail excitedly. Chanyeol crouches down and extends a hand, ignoring Baekhyun, who's frantically whispering, "Are you crazy?"
That's when Chanyeol learns that Baekhyun, the fearless leader of all of their ridiculous plans, has a deathly fear of puppies. Small, fluffy puppies that would never harm a human being.
So while Baekhyun is having a minor freak-out session, Chanyeol is cooing over the puppy, and the adults are fussing over the furniture, another kid sticks his head in through the door.
"Um, is Kai in here?"
Chanyeol looks up. "The puppy? Is he yours?"
The kid walks into the apartment, taking off his shoes even though there's really no point because the floor is already dirty anyway. "No, I was watching him for a neighbor." He scoops up the puppy in his arms. "We live next door." He makes a vague gesture with his left hand, holding the puppy firmly with his other. "You guys just moved here?"
"Yeah. I'm Chanyeol." Chanyeol returns the kid's smile. Maybe living here wouldn't be so bad after all.
"Is the puppy gone?" Baekhyun asks softly, peeking around Chanyeol. It's one of the few times Chanyeol's ever heard him use his indoor voice indoors.
"He's not going to hurt you," Jongdae says, raising the puppy with both hands and bringing it towards Baekhyun. Baekhyun flinches away, but when the puppy doesn't jump out at him, he emerges from behind Chanyeol, eyeing the puppy cautiously.
"I'm Baekhyun," he says.
"Do you live here too?" Jongdae asks.
"No, I'm here helping him move," Baekhyun states proudly, although he had done nothing except jump on Chanyeol's mattress.
The puppy squirms in Jongdae's hold, and Jongdae murmurs quietly in its ear. Chanyeol watches, fascinated. "Do you guys want to come on over?" Jongdae asks, looking up again. "I'll bring the puppy back to its owner," he adds, and Baekhyun agrees eagerly.
It's startling how well Jongdae fits in with Baekhyun and Chanyeol. The two had practically grown up together, and they had their share of private jokes and made up phrases that only they could understand. But Jongdae doesn't seem intimidated by their closeness. He's quick to catch on to their jokes, and has a few witty replies of his own.
Jongdae had moved to the apartment complex just a few months ago, and he is in the same grade as Baekhyun and Chanyeol were. He tells them a ghost story about the apartments, a fascinating tale that involved strangling and creaking doors. Chanyeol's older sister screams at him when he repeats the tale, but it's a good one, one that they add onto over the years until it's a very long, interesting story, filled with true facts about random occurrences over the years (like the missing shoes that ended up one floor below them) and fanciful imaginations.
The summer passes similarly. Jongdae and Chanyeol spend a lot of time together, and Baekhyun comes over as much as he can. It's harder for Baekhyun and Chanyeol to see each other, but at least there's Jongdae.
"I like him," Baekhyun declares one night when he stays over in Chanyeol's room. "He's funny. Let's keep him."
"And the puppy?" Chanyeol suggests. He doesn't tell Baekhyun that he and Jongdae play with the neighbor's puppy often, and they always make sure to bring it back when Baekhyun comes over.
"No." Baekhyun glares at Chanyeol, like he knows of Chanyeol and Jongdae's secret plans to get Baekhyun to like Kai.
There are many unspoken facts in the world, and one of them is that Baekhyun and Chanyeol are inseparable best friends. But when Jongdae comes in--
"Is it possible to have two best friends?" Baekhyun asks aloud one day.
Chanyeol ponders about this for a moment before saying, "That's something girls talk about."
Baekhyun makes a noise of protest and attacks him with a pillow.
They don't talk about it after that, but Jongdae proves that, yes, it is possible.
They're in high school when Jongdae makes his first mistake.
They get into the same high school, but high school is the first time that they separated into different classes. The summer before high school is when Chanyeol gets a growth spurt, putting him half a head taller than most of the people in his grade. He joins the basketball team, still trying to get used to his limbs, which seem to not only have grown in length, but doubled as well.
Their high school basketball team isn't great, so it's a big deal when they finally win a game. The school decides that this is worthy of being reported, and for once, the intercom is used for something other than publicly reading out the worst test scores of certain students. The belief that improvement came out of humiliation isn't all that great, but it works. For once, though, the intercom tells of encouraging, positive news.
Jongdae has the honors of making the announcement. He reports all the basic information--the time and place of the event, the students on the basketball team who contributed to the win and what exactly they did, and the final score. Chanyeol had made one of the goals, one of his first contributions to the team. No one really pays attention to the announcement, using the time to gossip before classes begin.
But everyone hears, loud and clear, when at the end of the announcement, Jongdae screams into the intercom, "Chanyeol, I love you!"
Chanyeol can feel the weight of the dozens of eyes in the classroom, and he's not even surprised when the principal personally stops by at his class and asks Chanyeol to speak to her.
Jongdae is already there in the office when he arrives. He's sitting in one of the chairs before the principal's desk, back stiff despite the soft covering on the back of the chair. Chanyeol takes a seat next to him, but he doesn't dare talk to him or even look at him, knowing that to do so would be unwise.
The principal sits down and pulls out an official book. She opens the book and finds the page almost immediately. It must be a rule that is commonly broken, Chanyeol muses as she reads from the book with confidence and familiarity that can only be obtained through repetition.
It's not like they don't all know why they were called to the office. Dating and even confessing are strictly forbidden, not just within the school, but in the public as well. The police have the right to arrest a couple that was not mandated by the government. A lucky few are given their partners at a young age, but most usually receive their partners once they turn twenty years old. And for Jongdae to confess in front of the whole school like that--
"Consequences include a parent meeting, expulsion, permanent infraction on record, and possible fines." The principal closes the book and taps a nail on the worn cover. "Would you like to explain, Kim Jongdae?"
It's the first time that Chanyeol's ever seen Jongdae so quiet and subdued, and it makes him mad because it wasn't Jongdae's fault, not really. "Ma'am," he blurts out, and continues despite the way the principal glares at him. "Jongdae wasn't really confessing his love. He was just really excited. He used the phrase a lot around Baekhyun and me, and it doesn't mean anything. It's just in a friendly way, his way of saying that he'd do anything for us and never trade us for the world..." Chanyeol is blabbering, spewing out words that he'll later deny he ever said.
The principal turns to Jongdae. "Is this true?"
Jongdae hesitates, looking down at his hands, before giving a small nod.
The principal sighs, taking off her glasses and rubbing her nose. She had been the principal even when Chanyeol's mother had been in school, and Chanyeol almost feels sorry for her. "Alright, I'll let you guys off with a warning just this once. Don't ever let me hear of this again, do you understand?"
"Yes ma'am," Chanyeol says, and Jongdae repeats it a moment later, voice too quiet in the small room.
Jongdae still looks subdued when they walk out of the office, and Chanyeol talks quickly to assure him. "They misunderstood. It's nothing really, just a warning. We understand that you don't mean anything, but you know how the government is--"
"I do," Jongdae says.
"What?" Do what is the question that Chanyeol really wants to ask, but he doesn't.
Jongdae doesn't answer, just shakes his head with a vague smile. "Nothing. Let's go back to class."
But the incident isn't exactly nothing. And Jongdae isn't the kind to say, "I love you," so freely, either. Yes, he still kisses his mother goodbye on her cheek, and he's really touchy, but he's not reckless. Jongdae wouldn't confess before the whole school. They all know the consequences, and it isn't worth it.
The first time Jongdae said it was through text, a short "I really like you," with a silly cat emoticon. Chanyeol, caught off guard, had replied with a sweating emoticon, and Jongdae had laughed it off and that had been it.
There are times when Jongdae would mention it in passing, like, "I love spending time with you guys," or, "You're my favorite people in the whole world." But Chanyeol knows that it's different, even if he can't really explain it.
Over the years, the three of them had grown remarkably close, to the point that often, they couldn't tell where one ended and another began. Somewhere down the line, their interests had blurred together, and they could even finish each other's sentences, a fact that caused Chanyeol's sister to ban them from their family's apartment under the excuse that she didn't need three Chanyeols in her life.
But there are also times when Chanyeol can't read Baekhyun or Jongdae at all, when they close themselves off so effectively and completely that Chanyeol doesn't even have a hint as to what they really feel.
This is the way that Jongdae acts after the intercom incident, as they call it. He dodges around the questions with surprising agility, going off on tangents until the original question is lost, unanswered somewhere in the words.
Or maybe it is answered, but Chanyeol can never hear it.
He only asks a few times, hesitant to push more than necessary, but soon, life returns to normal. After a while, Baekhyun gives up the relentless teasing on Jongdae's words and Chanyeol gives up on finding out the reason behind them. It's normal again, like the incident never occurred.
They meet together for a movie night every once in a while, which usually starts off with pizza and the newest action movie and ends with empty popcorn bags on the floor and the latest Running Man episode playing on the television.
It's in the middle of one of the Running Man episodes, somewhere between Jae Suk's clever words and Jong Kook's not-so-subtle threats that it happens.
They're sitting squished together on the couch, legs tangling and arms grabbing at the popcorn. Baekhyun gets up to make another bag of popcorn and Jongdae is laughing uncontrollably at a joke when Chanyeol turns his head to ask him to pass the popcorn.
His words kind of die in his mouth and he just stares at Jongdae. It's then that he realized the other has stopped laughing, and is staring at him just as intensely.
It's Baekhyun's voice and the smell of fresh popcorn that breaks them apart. "So are you guys going to kiss or have a staring contest?"
Chanyeol jerks away to grab at the bag of popcorn in Baekhyun's hand. "You have some sauce on the corner of your mouth," he says to Jongdae.
"Thanks," Jongdae mumbles, wiping it away.
"Ignore me like I'm not here," Baekhyun says, plopping himself down between the two of them. "Go on, I'm totally invisible."
It's not long until they're engrossed in the television again, when they start discussing the chances of each player winning a certain game, and the room becomes too small for their enthusiastic shouts and cheers.
"You can just search up the results online," Baekhyun says between a commercial break, like he hadn't been screaming his voice hoarse with the rest of them. He winces when his voice comes out weirdly, clearing his throat several times and going through a series of "ah ah ah" notes. "Dammit, I have vocal lessons tomorrow."
"Hypocrite," Chanyeol mouths at Jongdae over Baekhyun's head. He throws his hands up in surrender when Baekhyun hits him with a pillow.
"Do you think Jihyo and Gary are ever going to get together?" Chanyeol asks.
"Loverboy," Baekhyun teases, like it hadn't been a topic of discussion for years.
"The government wouldn't approve," Jongdae says, and the conversation ends right there.
It's for the best, everyone says. And Chanyeol can see the evidence in the way his parents seem so content with each other, in the way his sister smiles at her mandated boyfriend and eventual husband. But he can't help wondering if the government could be wrong.
It's not until the end of high school that they separate. It's natural, of course; once they receive their final exam results, they're assigned to institutions specific to their futures. Baekhyun and Jongdae are lucky and they get sent to the same place, but Chanyeol is sent to an institution two hours away to study some obscure branch of science. And he's also assigned a random roommate.
Chanyeol's gotten used to Baekhyun's tendency to talk until he falls asleep, sometimes even muttering in his sleep, as well as Jongdae's habit to sleep through his alarms, so the annoyingly loud pop song on his phone wakes everyone else in the house up first.
So when Chanyeol walks into his assigned room and sees his roommate, who is small and cute-
"I'm not small and cute," his roommate interrupts, staring up at him from where he's sitting on one of the beds.
--he wonders if he can finally get the puppy he's always wanted.
"And I'm allergic to dogs," he adds.
Wait. What. Chanyeol blinks several times. "Did you just... read my thoughts?" But that's impossible, right?
"Yeah." His roommate stands up and offers a hand. "I'm Do Kyungsoo."
"Park Chanyeol," Chanyeol says, shaking his hand hesitantly, because who really shakes hands these days?
"I do," Kyungsoo says, and Chanyeol drops his hand like he'd been burned.
"You weren't joking?" he gasps, eyes widening in surprise.
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes at him. "No. Is that a problem?"
Yes. It is very much a problem, since Kyungsoo will now know everything that Chanyeol is thinking of and he'll figure out his deepest secrets and hate him forever. "No."
Kyungsoo smiles, his first smile since Chanyeol had stepped into the room, but it's probably because of the irony in Chanyeol's words and thoughts than because Chanyeol is genuinely funny and charming. It makes Chanyeol feel like an inside joke, one that he doesn't understand. "If it makes you feel any better, I can only read your thoughts by looking into your eyes."
"So I should walk around with my eyes closed whenever I'm in the dorm," Chanyeol says, setting his bag down and sitting across from Kyungsoo. "That makes me feel so much better. Thanks."
Kyungsoo shrugs, but his smile fades, and Chanyeol quickly backtracks.
"I'm sorry. Do people give you a hard time about your--ability?"
"I usually don't talk about it, but I thought I'd give you a heads up. Does it scare you?"
"Kind of." Chanyeol's mostly jealous, though, and he kind of wishes he had the ability when Baekhyun had given him weeks expired ramyeon. (That hadn't ended well.) "What does it feel like, having the ability?"
Kyungsoo shrugs again, putting his hands on either side of him and leaning back. His posture looks more relaxed now, and Chanyeol can't help thinking that maybe people do give him a hard time because of his ability. "I've been born with it, so I guess it'd make the world seem louder than how people usually hear it, but it feels normal to me."
"I'm really loud," Chanyeol offers.
"I know," Kyungsoo says. "But I'm used to hiding the ability, and I can tell the difference between what people are thinking and what they're saying."
"So you can tell what I'm thinking right now?" Chanyeol asks, and Kyungsoo gives him a stern look.
"We're not getting a puppy. Ever."
"What about a hamster?" Chanyeol suggests. His sister hadn't been fond of pets beyond a goldfish or two, but he's always wanted to own one.
"They taste really good," Kyungsoo says, and Chanyeol shudders. He really didn't need that mental image.
"A frog?"
Kyungsoo gives him an are-you-serious look. "No." Before Chanyeol can name any more animals, he waves a paper in his face. "It's on the roommate contract." He points to a bullet on the paper, where "No pets" is clearly written in bold print.
Chanyeol blinks at the paper. "The what contract?"
"The roommate contract. Sign it."
Chanyeol scans over it quickly, glancing over sections that he agrees with (like the no dirty laundry on the floor part) and frowning at the ones that he doesn't like (like no staying up past midnight). "Did you write this?" he asks once he's finished reading. He's only just met Kyungsoo, but the paper sounds just like the guy sitting before him. He's also the guy who is killing Chanyeol's lifelong dreams of owning a pet and blasting music at random hours of the day.
"Yeah. We can talk about any parts that you want to change," Kyungsoo says, although the glare that he shoots Chanyeol tells him that he'd better not try to change anything.
Chanyeol clears his throat and looks back down at the paper. Overall, it's not that bad, and he guessed it's better to live with a neat freak than a slob, but... "Can we please have a pet? Pretty please?" He makes what he thinks is a convincing puppy dog face at Kyungsoo. It usually gets him what he wants, and although Chanyeol thinks he looks cute, Baekhyun had informed him that others only agree to whatever he wants just so he'd stop making the horrible face. It usually works, though, but evidently, it doesn't work on Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo stares blankly at Chanyeol. "I'm allergic to fur."
"What about a snake?" Kyungsoo's steady stare gives Chanyeol his answer, so he sighs and says, "What about a goldfish?" He can't believe he's going this low just to get a pet, but he needs something to talk to or he'll start talking to the walls.
Kyungsoo hesitates, but he can't find any fault in a goldfish. "Fine, but I'm not changing the water."
"Thank you!" Chanyeol jumps up and starts to jump across the distance between their beds to hug Kyungsoo, but Kyungsoo holds a hand up to stop him and points at a bullet on the paper.
"No hugs."
Chanyeol really shouldn't have put it past Baekhyun and Jongdae to find him at his university.
They show up early one weekend, standing at the door with bags of food and bright smiles. Chanyeol is half asleep as he watches the news on the television, and Kyungsoo is the one who gets up to answer the door.
Kyungsoo slams the door shut a second after he opens it and sits down on the couch beside Chanyeol with a scowl. "I think we need to call security."
Chanyeol looks up with interest, and when Kyungsoo goes back to reading his book and the knocks at the door get louder, he gets up to open the door.
He's greeted with a shout of "Surprise!" and a bag that nearly hits him in the face.
"Baekhyun? Jongdae?" Chanyeol steps aside to let them in, closing the door as they take off their shoes while talking loudly.
"Did you miss us?" Baekhyun asks, throwing the food into the kitchen with a loud bang. Chanyeol cringes at the sound and hopes that whatever is in there is still edible.
"You're still alive," Jongdae says, smiling up at Chanyeol. Now this, he could live with, Chanyeol thinks, as he hugs Jongdae, not minding the plastic bags that Jongdae is holding, which are digging into his back.
Baekhyun grumbles under his breath about being left out, but Jongdae just laughs into Chanyeol's ear and they don't try to include him in the hug. Undeterred, Baekhyun sits down on the couch and dedicates himself to bothering Kyungsoo.
"Hey, are you Chanyeol's roommate? Chanyeol has been complaining forever that you won't let him have a puppy. He loves puppies. I think he had one when he was younger, but then it died when it swallowed a frog. He tried to give it mouth-to-mouth CPR--can you believe it? Giving CPR to a dog?"
Chanyeol isn't sure which to be more shocked by--Baekhyun's outrageous story or Kyungsoo's smile in reaction to the story. He lets go of Jongdae to walk over to the couch and hit the back of Baekhyun's head. "Shut up, that's not true. Don't believe anything he says," he adds, speaking to Kyungsoo. "He's a big liar." Kyungsoo isn't smiling anymore, and it makes Chanyeol resentful because he'd been trying to get Kyungsoo to smile for weeks now, but Baekhyun had succeeded within the first five minutes of meeting him.
"Come on, let's eat breakfast," Jongdae says, coming to join them.
The whole room is small. The microwave and mini fridge in one corner make up the kitchen, and there's a small couch in the other corner facing a small television that they've dubbed their living room. The rest of the space is taken up by two beds and desks that double as a dining table when necessary. It's barely enough room for two people, and with four people, it's practically chaotic.
They knock elbows as they prepare the food, and they end up eating on the floor, a mess of limbs reaching for the food. Jongdae sits next to Chanyeol, practically pressing into him, and Chanyeol can feel his every movement.
Baekhyun somehow manages to talk while he eats, providing far more detail about his daily life in the university than strictly necessary. Jongdae and Chanyeol chime in at random points, while Kyungsoo seems to ignore them, staring down at his plate with a slightly disapproving frown. But Kyungsoo doesn't look angry, or any angrier than he usually looks.
"You know, if you guys want a pet, you could always get a turtle. I saw an advertisement the other day, and they were selling turtles for just fifteen hundred won."
"Fifteen hundred?" Chanyeol repeats. That sounds ridiculously cheap.
"Includes delivery and everything." Baekhyun accepts the napkin that Jongdae hands him, dabbing at his lips as he continues talking. "It's a baby snapping turtle. They also sell hundred year old turtles for hundreds of thousands of won."
"No turtles," Kyungsoo says, catching Chanyeol's eye. "We agreed on fish."
Chanyeol spends the rest of the breakfast staring unhappily at Kyungsoo and sending him angry and pleading thoughts. When Kyungsoo ignores him, staring down at his food or just pointedly looking away, Chanyeol leans across the plates and shoves his face in front of Kyungsoo's, trying to convey all of his emotions by being a few centimeters away from the tip of Kyungsoo's nose.
Kyungsoo shoves a hand in front of Chanyeol's face, and Jongdae pulls him back.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Jongdae asks, his hand remaining on Chanyeol's arm. It's oddly comforting, and Chanyeol leans into the touch as he continues looking in Kyungsoo's direction.
Chanyeol doesn't answer immediately, not wanting to spill Kyungsoo's secret. It's not because he doesn't think his friends would be find with it, but it's because it's not really his secret to tell. It's only then that he sees the distance between him and his closest friends, even if it's only been a few weeks. He thinks about the next four years of university and shudders.
"Chanyeol wants a turtle," Kyungsoo says, heartlessly biting into a croissant and looking completely unaffected.
"I'll buy you one," Jongdae says, patting Chanyeol's arm like the good friend that he is.
"Really?" Chanyeol grins brightly at Jongdae, and if he wasn't in the middle of eating something, chopsticks still grasping food in one hand, Chanyeol would hug him. "Thanks!"
"You can keep it in the janitor's closet next door," Kyungsoo says, and remains unmovable despite Chanyeol's pleas.
It's only after Baekhyun and Jongdae have left (with promises to return) that Chanyeol is aware of the silence again. Kyungsoo is sitting on his bed reading a book, and Chanyeol walks around the room, which, although it isn't big enough to be paced, still contains too much empty space.
"He likes you, doesn't he?" Kyungsoo asks suddenly, and Chanyeol's head jerks up, his eyes wide.
"Who?"
"The guy sitting next to you. Jongdae." Kyungsoo puts his book to the side, fixing Chanyeol with a wide-eyed stare, and Chanyeol is suddenly aware that this is a very serious situation.
Chanyeol swallows nervously. "Um, yeah? I think so? We wouldn't be friends if he didn't."
"You know what I mean." There's a picture of clear agitation on Kyungsoo's face, and yeah, he knows that Chanyeol's dodging the question.
Chanyeol looks down at the floor, trying to avoid Kyungsoo's eyes. "He's confessed to me before, but I've never thought of it?"
"Chanyeol." Suddenly, Kyungsoo is standing in front of Chanyeol, a hand under his chin, and he forces Chanyeol to look up. "Do you like him?" Kyungsoo's eyes are surprisingly warm, and it helps to know that, even if he must know much darker secrets than most people know about Chanyeol, he doesn't find Chanyeol repulsive.
"I don't," Chanyeol says, his voice weak. Kyungsoo continues staring at him, and he can feel the sweat on his palms, the nervousness in his skin. "Do I?" he asks, when the silence stretches for too long and Kyungsoo just keeps looking at him.
Finally, Kyungsoo drops his hand and shakes his head. "You don't."
Chanyeol isn't sure whether to be relieved or disappointed.
They're twenty when they speak of love again. It's not a topic that's lightly discussed, especially not among those who haven't yet received their assignments. The four of them--Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Jongdae, and Kyungsoo--are out for dinner when Baekhyun suddenly starts pulling papers out of his pockets.
"We got our assignments yesterday," he says, spreading the papers out on the table. But he doesn't pass them to anyone, and there's hesitation in the way he taps his fingers on the surface of the table.
Chanyeol reaches for the papers first, and it takes him a moment to realize that by "we," Baekhyun had meant him and Jongdae, and by "assignment," he'd meant their partners, the person they'd spend the rest of their lives with.
The paper is part of a long letter from the government detailing the specifics of the pairing, and there, in the corner, there's the person Baekhyun is assigned with: Kim Jongdae.
Chanyeol suddenly feels like he can't breathe, and he isn't sure why. Jongdae's paper, predictably, also has a similar result: Byun Baekhyun.
When Chanyeol looks up, he feels multiple eyes on him. There's Baekhyun's unreadable gaze, Kyungsoo's understanding look, and Jongdae--expectant is the only word that Chanyeol can come up with.
"Congratulations," Chanyeol says, and he hands the papers back to Baekhyun. He still feels slightly disoriented, but it's only natural. Part of it is jealousy because he hasn't yet received his assignment, even though he's been going back year after year to get tests done. But it's mostly because they three of them have been close friends since childhood, and now, however irrational it may sound, he feels slightly left out. It means nothing, he tells himself, chasing the last of the bitterness in his mouth away with a gulp of soju.
Baekhyun drinks his glass too, and it's the first time that Chanyeol has seen him so uncertain. He taps his glass against the surface of the table. "You know, it's weird. I never thought that it would end up like this."
"I wouldn't have chosen you if I could help it," Jongdae says, his words lighthearted and joking, but no one laughs.
"I thought if two of us did end up together..." Baekhyun bites his lip, and his glass clatters loudly when he puts it back on the table. "I thought it would be Chanyeol and Jongdae, you know? Because--"
"Congratulations," Kyungsoo interrupts, and Chanyeol makes a mental note to thank him because that could have been awkward. "Now you two can go around terrorizing everyone you meet."
This time, there is laughter, and Chanyeol can almost believe that the tension has shattered.
Baekhyun, Chanyeol remembers, has always eagerly waited for his assignment. When they were still kids, he'd talk about his ideal type, daydream aloud about the kind of person he'd end up with. That was before they had grown up, before they'd learned the boundaries between what should be said and what was not even worth thinking of. But Baekhyun had always been enthusiastic, even if he doesn't show it, and Chanyeol had expected more of a reaction from him. Yet right now, he just looks sad.
And Jongdae--he doesn't lean into Chanyeol as he drinks, resting his chin on the table as his eyes start to flutter close. Rather than matching Baekhyun word for word, he settles for matching him drink for drink.
It's mostly Kyungsoo that does the talking for all of them, and when they stand to leave, Chanyeol feels very disappointed. They'd come out to this restaurant as a celebration after midterms, to spend more time together, not for--whatever that had been.
"Can you guys even make it home?" Kyungsoo asks, and Baekhyun giggles brightly as he practically clings to Jongdae.
"Yeah," Baekhyun says, his words practically unrecognizable as he half mumbles into Jongdae's shoulder.
They're pressed so close, and Chanyeol has to look away. Get used to it, he tells himself. Jongdae doesn't hug him as he leaves, doesn't even look at him, and it lingers in Chanyeol's mind for all the wrong reasons.
He doesn't hug Baekhyun often, but Jongdae is so soft and warm, and it's always been something they did naturally for as long as Chanyeol could remember. But it's different now, and he has to remind himself as he looks away.
Of course, he ends up looking into Kyungsoo's eyes, and for the first time, he really hates Kyungsoo's ability.
But Kyungsoo just looks at him understandingly, and it must be because he's gotten too much to drink too, since Chanyeol has never seen him smile so warmly.
"You don't have to worry," Kyungsoo says, putting a hand on Chanyeol's shoulder.
Why should I care? Chanyeol thinks he says, but he doesn't remember anything else.
Things do change, and Chanyeol isn't a fool to think that they won't. But it's still unexpected, how much he feels like an outsider whenever he's with Baekhyun and Jongdae. He's more aware now than before the private jokes that the two share, more because of their time together than anything. It's frustrating on their side to explain every comment, to tell of every moment in the lives that only they share now, and eventually, Chanyeol stops asking.
He never sees one without seeing the other, and if he's being honest, it's not as fun seeing them anymore, but he still goes.
Now, Jongdae no longer leans against him. There's a respectable distance between them, and Jongdae always holds Baekhyun's hand, so Baekhyun is almost like a barrier between them. It means nothing, Chanyeol knows, but he can't hug Jongdae quite as freely anymore. He can't even touch him without remembering the words on the paper.
Whenever they are together, they don't tangle their limbs anymore. Maybe it's because they're no longer kids, but that's really not an excuse. Chanyeol feels the space keenly, misses the warmth of other human beings beside him as they watch the television, but he doesn't say anything.
He pretends it's okay, and really, he could live like this. It's just that Kyungsoo always knows more than Chanyeol says, and every so often, he shows his worry for Chanyeol.
"Maybe you shouldn't go," Kyungsoo says, when Chanyeol comes back after an unsatisfying dinner. The food was okay, but it's always the company that adds flavor to the food.
"What else am I supposed to do?" Chanyeol sprawls out on his bed, trying to avoid Kyungsoo's eyes by looking up at the ceiling, but it doesn't work. Instead, Kyungsoo leans over him, staring into his eyes, and it's slightly disconcerting.
"I don't know. Study like you're supposed to. There's still one more semester before break."
Chanyeol makes a face, and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes before leaning forward and bumping his forehead against Chanyeol's, hard.
"Stop being such a whiny baby and focus on your studies. You have the rest of your life to regret, but you only have this time to pass your classes."
Kyungsoo is right, and of course he's right, which makes Chanyeol even more hesitant to listen to him. The rest of life is like the noise you hear when a car passes by with its windows down and the music turned all the way up: incoherent loud voices and pounding background music that leads the way to a headache, but you still can't avoid it. Kyungsoo is like the one clear voice in the cacophony, and Chanyeol is thankful that he's here.
"You don't have to worry about your own assignment," Kyungsoo says, stepping away from Chanyeol's face and sitting down on his bed. "I'm sure the government won't forget about you."
"Yeah. I guess I'm just jealous because they got their assignments so soon, and they got each other, and it's weird." Chanyeol tries to make a shrugging movement while he's lying on the bed, but he fails miserably and ends up tangling his blankets around his legs.
Kyungsoo doesn't bother hiding his amusement at Chanyeol's misfortune, his eyes crinkling in the corners as he smiles, containing his laughter.
Chanyeol pouts up at Kyungsoo and pushes his shoulder insistently. "Hey, can you make me some food? Please?" He gives Kyungsoo his best pleading expression, trying to convey as many pitiful emotions as he can with his eyes.
Kyungsoo ends up making food for him because Chanyeol is so terribly convincing ("You're not," Kyungsoo snaps, as he hands Chanyeol a bowl of noodles). Chanyeol opens his textbook and stares down at his computer, which shows his current assignment.
At least he makes progress, although it's mostly due to Kyungsoo's insistence in removing any and all distractions.
"Nothing until you're done," he says, and Chanyeol doesn't finish until it's Kyungsoo's bedtime.
At first, Chanyeol had found Kyungsoo's bedtime before days of classes inconvenient, since he had made it a habit during his high shook years to never go to sleep before midnight. But the bedtime is helpful, and it's easier to listen to Kyungsoo than to deliberately disobey him, so Chanyeol has developed a habit to go to bed at the designated bedtime.
Yet tonight, he can't fall asleep, and he shifts in his bed probably more than necessary. The curtains are drawn completely shut and the room is dark, but there's a nagging thought in his mind that he can't get rid of, no matter how ridiculous it is.
Kyungsoo hasn't fallen asleep yet either, as Chanyeol can judge from the shallowness in his breathing and the way he's shifting every now and then.
"Hey, Kyungsoo?" Chanyeol calls softly. When he gets no response, he continues anyway, "Do I like Jongdae?"
He doesn't get a response, and Kyungsoo might be asleep by now, but really, Chanyeol doesn't need one.
►
Title: Words I Never Said
Pairing(s): Chanyeol /D.O, Chanyeol /Chen, Chen /Baekhyun
Rating: PG-13
Length: 11k
Summary: Although they live in a society in which everyone’s partner is decided by the government, Chanyeol and Jongdae fall in love anyway.
Author's note: Thank you to N for helping me in writing this fic! To my recipient: I may have strayed from your prompts, but I hope you enjoy this. Random quotes were taken from Jiro Wang's "I Should Love You."
Their new apartment is too small. There are boxes stacked up in every corner. Baekhyun and Chanyeol run around the boxes, trying to scare each other. They get in the way of adults trying to bring more boxes inside.
The front door's left open for the movers. Chanyeol is planning on scaring Baekhyun from behind the fireplace when Baekhyun suddenly shrieks.
"Help!" he screams, running to hide behind Chanyeol.
"What?" Chanyeol tries to look past the boxes. Maybe there's a bug on the floor. Or maybe Baekhyun was trying to scare him by being scared. Either way, it didn't work.
It's actually a puppy, and a cute, fluffy one at that. Baekhyun whimpers, trying to melt into the wall. The puppy ignores him, dancing around the room and wagging his tail excitedly. Chanyeol crouches down and extends a hand, ignoring Baekhyun, who's frantically whispering, "Are you crazy?"
That's when Chanyeol learns that Baekhyun, the fearless leader of all of their ridiculous plans, has a deathly fear of puppies. Small, fluffy puppies that would never harm a human being.
So while Baekhyun is having a minor freak-out session, Chanyeol is cooing over the puppy, and the adults are fussing over the furniture, another kid sticks his head in through the door.
"Um, is Kai in here?"
Chanyeol looks up. "The puppy? Is he yours?"
The kid walks into the apartment, taking off his shoes even though there's really no point because the floor is already dirty anyway. "No, I was watching him for a neighbor." He scoops up the puppy in his arms. "We live next door." He makes a vague gesture with his left hand, holding the puppy firmly with his other. "You guys just moved here?"
"Yeah. I'm Chanyeol." Chanyeol returns the kid's smile. Maybe living here wouldn't be so bad after all.
"Is the puppy gone?" Baekhyun asks softly, peeking around Chanyeol. It's one of the few times Chanyeol's ever heard him use his indoor voice indoors.
"He's not going to hurt you," Jongdae says, raising the puppy with both hands and bringing it towards Baekhyun. Baekhyun flinches away, but when the puppy doesn't jump out at him, he emerges from behind Chanyeol, eyeing the puppy cautiously.
"I'm Baekhyun," he says.
"Do you live here too?" Jongdae asks.
"No, I'm here helping him move," Baekhyun states proudly, although he had done nothing except jump on Chanyeol's mattress.
The puppy squirms in Jongdae's hold, and Jongdae murmurs quietly in its ear. Chanyeol watches, fascinated. "Do you guys want to come on over?" Jongdae asks, looking up again. "I'll bring the puppy back to its owner," he adds, and Baekhyun agrees eagerly.
It's startling how well Jongdae fits in with Baekhyun and Chanyeol. The two had practically grown up together, and they had their share of private jokes and made up phrases that only they could understand. But Jongdae doesn't seem intimidated by their closeness. He's quick to catch on to their jokes, and has a few witty replies of his own.
Jongdae had moved to the apartment complex just a few months ago, and he is in the same grade as Baekhyun and Chanyeol were. He tells them a ghost story about the apartments, a fascinating tale that involved strangling and creaking doors. Chanyeol's older sister screams at him when he repeats the tale, but it's a good one, one that they add onto over the years until it's a very long, interesting story, filled with true facts about random occurrences over the years (like the missing shoes that ended up one floor below them) and fanciful imaginations.
The summer passes similarly. Jongdae and Chanyeol spend a lot of time together, and Baekhyun comes over as much as he can. It's harder for Baekhyun and Chanyeol to see each other, but at least there's Jongdae.
"I like him," Baekhyun declares one night when he stays over in Chanyeol's room. "He's funny. Let's keep him."
"And the puppy?" Chanyeol suggests. He doesn't tell Baekhyun that he and Jongdae play with the neighbor's puppy often, and they always make sure to bring it back when Baekhyun comes over.
"No." Baekhyun glares at Chanyeol, like he knows of Chanyeol and Jongdae's secret plans to get Baekhyun to like Kai.
There are many unspoken facts in the world, and one of them is that Baekhyun and Chanyeol are inseparable best friends. But when Jongdae comes in--
"Is it possible to have two best friends?" Baekhyun asks aloud one day.
Chanyeol ponders about this for a moment before saying, "That's something girls talk about."
Baekhyun makes a noise of protest and attacks him with a pillow.
They don't talk about it after that, but Jongdae proves that, yes, it is possible.
They're in high school when Jongdae makes his first mistake.
They get into the same high school, but high school is the first time that they separated into different classes. The summer before high school is when Chanyeol gets a growth spurt, putting him half a head taller than most of the people in his grade. He joins the basketball team, still trying to get used to his limbs, which seem to not only have grown in length, but doubled as well.
Their high school basketball team isn't great, so it's a big deal when they finally win a game. The school decides that this is worthy of being reported, and for once, the intercom is used for something other than publicly reading out the worst test scores of certain students. The belief that improvement came out of humiliation isn't all that great, but it works. For once, though, the intercom tells of encouraging, positive news.
Jongdae has the honors of making the announcement. He reports all the basic information--the time and place of the event, the students on the basketball team who contributed to the win and what exactly they did, and the final score. Chanyeol had made one of the goals, one of his first contributions to the team. No one really pays attention to the announcement, using the time to gossip before classes begin.
But everyone hears, loud and clear, when at the end of the announcement, Jongdae screams into the intercom, "Chanyeol, I love you!"
Chanyeol can feel the weight of the dozens of eyes in the classroom, and he's not even surprised when the principal personally stops by at his class and asks Chanyeol to speak to her.
Jongdae is already there in the office when he arrives. He's sitting in one of the chairs before the principal's desk, back stiff despite the soft covering on the back of the chair. Chanyeol takes a seat next to him, but he doesn't dare talk to him or even look at him, knowing that to do so would be unwise.
The principal sits down and pulls out an official book. She opens the book and finds the page almost immediately. It must be a rule that is commonly broken, Chanyeol muses as she reads from the book with confidence and familiarity that can only be obtained through repetition.
It's not like they don't all know why they were called to the office. Dating and even confessing are strictly forbidden, not just within the school, but in the public as well. The police have the right to arrest a couple that was not mandated by the government. A lucky few are given their partners at a young age, but most usually receive their partners once they turn twenty years old. And for Jongdae to confess in front of the whole school like that--
"Consequences include a parent meeting, expulsion, permanent infraction on record, and possible fines." The principal closes the book and taps a nail on the worn cover. "Would you like to explain, Kim Jongdae?"
It's the first time that Chanyeol's ever seen Jongdae so quiet and subdued, and it makes him mad because it wasn't Jongdae's fault, not really. "Ma'am," he blurts out, and continues despite the way the principal glares at him. "Jongdae wasn't really confessing his love. He was just really excited. He used the phrase a lot around Baekhyun and me, and it doesn't mean anything. It's just in a friendly way, his way of saying that he'd do anything for us and never trade us for the world..." Chanyeol is blabbering, spewing out words that he'll later deny he ever said.
The principal turns to Jongdae. "Is this true?"
Jongdae hesitates, looking down at his hands, before giving a small nod.
The principal sighs, taking off her glasses and rubbing her nose. She had been the principal even when Chanyeol's mother had been in school, and Chanyeol almost feels sorry for her. "Alright, I'll let you guys off with a warning just this once. Don't ever let me hear of this again, do you understand?"
"Yes ma'am," Chanyeol says, and Jongdae repeats it a moment later, voice too quiet in the small room.
Jongdae still looks subdued when they walk out of the office, and Chanyeol talks quickly to assure him. "They misunderstood. It's nothing really, just a warning. We understand that you don't mean anything, but you know how the government is--"
"I do," Jongdae says.
"What?" Do what is the question that Chanyeol really wants to ask, but he doesn't.
Jongdae doesn't answer, just shakes his head with a vague smile. "Nothing. Let's go back to class."
But the incident isn't exactly nothing. And Jongdae isn't the kind to say, "I love you," so freely, either. Yes, he still kisses his mother goodbye on her cheek, and he's really touchy, but he's not reckless. Jongdae wouldn't confess before the whole school. They all know the consequences, and it isn't worth it.
The first time Jongdae said it was through text, a short "I really like you," with a silly cat emoticon. Chanyeol, caught off guard, had replied with a sweating emoticon, and Jongdae had laughed it off and that had been it.
There are times when Jongdae would mention it in passing, like, "I love spending time with you guys," or, "You're my favorite people in the whole world." But Chanyeol knows that it's different, even if he can't really explain it.
Over the years, the three of them had grown remarkably close, to the point that often, they couldn't tell where one ended and another began. Somewhere down the line, their interests had blurred together, and they could even finish each other's sentences, a fact that caused Chanyeol's sister to ban them from their family's apartment under the excuse that she didn't need three Chanyeols in her life.
But there are also times when Chanyeol can't read Baekhyun or Jongdae at all, when they close themselves off so effectively and completely that Chanyeol doesn't even have a hint as to what they really feel.
This is the way that Jongdae acts after the intercom incident, as they call it. He dodges around the questions with surprising agility, going off on tangents until the original question is lost, unanswered somewhere in the words.
Or maybe it is answered, but Chanyeol can never hear it.
He only asks a few times, hesitant to push more than necessary, but soon, life returns to normal. After a while, Baekhyun gives up the relentless teasing on Jongdae's words and Chanyeol gives up on finding out the reason behind them. It's normal again, like the incident never occurred.
They meet together for a movie night every once in a while, which usually starts off with pizza and the newest action movie and ends with empty popcorn bags on the floor and the latest Running Man episode playing on the television.
It's in the middle of one of the Running Man episodes, somewhere between Jae Suk's clever words and Jong Kook's not-so-subtle threats that it happens.
They're sitting squished together on the couch, legs tangling and arms grabbing at the popcorn. Baekhyun gets up to make another bag of popcorn and Jongdae is laughing uncontrollably at a joke when Chanyeol turns his head to ask him to pass the popcorn.
His words kind of die in his mouth and he just stares at Jongdae. It's then that he realized the other has stopped laughing, and is staring at him just as intensely.
It's Baekhyun's voice and the smell of fresh popcorn that breaks them apart. "So are you guys going to kiss or have a staring contest?"
Chanyeol jerks away to grab at the bag of popcorn in Baekhyun's hand. "You have some sauce on the corner of your mouth," he says to Jongdae.
"Thanks," Jongdae mumbles, wiping it away.
"Ignore me like I'm not here," Baekhyun says, plopping himself down between the two of them. "Go on, I'm totally invisible."
It's not long until they're engrossed in the television again, when they start discussing the chances of each player winning a certain game, and the room becomes too small for their enthusiastic shouts and cheers.
"You can just search up the results online," Baekhyun says between a commercial break, like he hadn't been screaming his voice hoarse with the rest of them. He winces when his voice comes out weirdly, clearing his throat several times and going through a series of "ah ah ah" notes. "Dammit, I have vocal lessons tomorrow."
"Hypocrite," Chanyeol mouths at Jongdae over Baekhyun's head. He throws his hands up in surrender when Baekhyun hits him with a pillow.
"Do you think Jihyo and Gary are ever going to get together?" Chanyeol asks.
"Loverboy," Baekhyun teases, like it hadn't been a topic of discussion for years.
"The government wouldn't approve," Jongdae says, and the conversation ends right there.
It's for the best, everyone says. And Chanyeol can see the evidence in the way his parents seem so content with each other, in the way his sister smiles at her mandated boyfriend and eventual husband. But he can't help wondering if the government could be wrong.
It's not until the end of high school that they separate. It's natural, of course; once they receive their final exam results, they're assigned to institutions specific to their futures. Baekhyun and Jongdae are lucky and they get sent to the same place, but Chanyeol is sent to an institution two hours away to study some obscure branch of science. And he's also assigned a random roommate.
Chanyeol's gotten used to Baekhyun's tendency to talk until he falls asleep, sometimes even muttering in his sleep, as well as Jongdae's habit to sleep through his alarms, so the annoyingly loud pop song on his phone wakes everyone else in the house up first.
So when Chanyeol walks into his assigned room and sees his roommate, who is small and cute-
"I'm not small and cute," his roommate interrupts, staring up at him from where he's sitting on one of the beds.
--he wonders if he can finally get the puppy he's always wanted.
"And I'm allergic to dogs," he adds.
Wait. What. Chanyeol blinks several times. "Did you just... read my thoughts?" But that's impossible, right?
"Yeah." His roommate stands up and offers a hand. "I'm Do Kyungsoo."
"Park Chanyeol," Chanyeol says, shaking his hand hesitantly, because who really shakes hands these days?
"I do," Kyungsoo says, and Chanyeol drops his hand like he'd been burned.
"You weren't joking?" he gasps, eyes widening in surprise.
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes at him. "No. Is that a problem?"
Yes. It is very much a problem, since Kyungsoo will now know everything that Chanyeol is thinking of and he'll figure out his deepest secrets and hate him forever. "No."
Kyungsoo smiles, his first smile since Chanyeol had stepped into the room, but it's probably because of the irony in Chanyeol's words and thoughts than because Chanyeol is genuinely funny and charming. It makes Chanyeol feel like an inside joke, one that he doesn't understand. "If it makes you feel any better, I can only read your thoughts by looking into your eyes."
"So I should walk around with my eyes closed whenever I'm in the dorm," Chanyeol says, setting his bag down and sitting across from Kyungsoo. "That makes me feel so much better. Thanks."
Kyungsoo shrugs, but his smile fades, and Chanyeol quickly backtracks.
"I'm sorry. Do people give you a hard time about your--ability?"
"I usually don't talk about it, but I thought I'd give you a heads up. Does it scare you?"
"Kind of." Chanyeol's mostly jealous, though, and he kind of wishes he had the ability when Baekhyun had given him weeks expired ramyeon. (That hadn't ended well.) "What does it feel like, having the ability?"
Kyungsoo shrugs again, putting his hands on either side of him and leaning back. His posture looks more relaxed now, and Chanyeol can't help thinking that maybe people do give him a hard time because of his ability. "I've been born with it, so I guess it'd make the world seem louder than how people usually hear it, but it feels normal to me."
"I'm really loud," Chanyeol offers.
"I know," Kyungsoo says. "But I'm used to hiding the ability, and I can tell the difference between what people are thinking and what they're saying."
"So you can tell what I'm thinking right now?" Chanyeol asks, and Kyungsoo gives him a stern look.
"We're not getting a puppy. Ever."
"What about a hamster?" Chanyeol suggests. His sister hadn't been fond of pets beyond a goldfish or two, but he's always wanted to own one.
"They taste really good," Kyungsoo says, and Chanyeol shudders. He really didn't need that mental image.
"A frog?"
Kyungsoo gives him an are-you-serious look. "No." Before Chanyeol can name any more animals, he waves a paper in his face. "It's on the roommate contract." He points to a bullet on the paper, where "No pets" is clearly written in bold print.
Chanyeol blinks at the paper. "The what contract?"
"The roommate contract. Sign it."
Chanyeol scans over it quickly, glancing over sections that he agrees with (like the no dirty laundry on the floor part) and frowning at the ones that he doesn't like (like no staying up past midnight). "Did you write this?" he asks once he's finished reading. He's only just met Kyungsoo, but the paper sounds just like the guy sitting before him. He's also the guy who is killing Chanyeol's lifelong dreams of owning a pet and blasting music at random hours of the day.
"Yeah. We can talk about any parts that you want to change," Kyungsoo says, although the glare that he shoots Chanyeol tells him that he'd better not try to change anything.
Chanyeol clears his throat and looks back down at the paper. Overall, it's not that bad, and he guessed it's better to live with a neat freak than a slob, but... "Can we please have a pet? Pretty please?" He makes what he thinks is a convincing puppy dog face at Kyungsoo. It usually gets him what he wants, and although Chanyeol thinks he looks cute, Baekhyun had informed him that others only agree to whatever he wants just so he'd stop making the horrible face. It usually works, though, but evidently, it doesn't work on Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo stares blankly at Chanyeol. "I'm allergic to fur."
"What about a snake?" Kyungsoo's steady stare gives Chanyeol his answer, so he sighs and says, "What about a goldfish?" He can't believe he's going this low just to get a pet, but he needs something to talk to or he'll start talking to the walls.
Kyungsoo hesitates, but he can't find any fault in a goldfish. "Fine, but I'm not changing the water."
"Thank you!" Chanyeol jumps up and starts to jump across the distance between their beds to hug Kyungsoo, but Kyungsoo holds a hand up to stop him and points at a bullet on the paper.
"No hugs."
Chanyeol really shouldn't have put it past Baekhyun and Jongdae to find him at his university.
They show up early one weekend, standing at the door with bags of food and bright smiles. Chanyeol is half asleep as he watches the news on the television, and Kyungsoo is the one who gets up to answer the door.
Kyungsoo slams the door shut a second after he opens it and sits down on the couch beside Chanyeol with a scowl. "I think we need to call security."
Chanyeol looks up with interest, and when Kyungsoo goes back to reading his book and the knocks at the door get louder, he gets up to open the door.
He's greeted with a shout of "Surprise!" and a bag that nearly hits him in the face.
"Baekhyun? Jongdae?" Chanyeol steps aside to let them in, closing the door as they take off their shoes while talking loudly.
"Did you miss us?" Baekhyun asks, throwing the food into the kitchen with a loud bang. Chanyeol cringes at the sound and hopes that whatever is in there is still edible.
"You're still alive," Jongdae says, smiling up at Chanyeol. Now this, he could live with, Chanyeol thinks, as he hugs Jongdae, not minding the plastic bags that Jongdae is holding, which are digging into his back.
Baekhyun grumbles under his breath about being left out, but Jongdae just laughs into Chanyeol's ear and they don't try to include him in the hug. Undeterred, Baekhyun sits down on the couch and dedicates himself to bothering Kyungsoo.
"Hey, are you Chanyeol's roommate? Chanyeol has been complaining forever that you won't let him have a puppy. He loves puppies. I think he had one when he was younger, but then it died when it swallowed a frog. He tried to give it mouth-to-mouth CPR--can you believe it? Giving CPR to a dog?"
Chanyeol isn't sure which to be more shocked by--Baekhyun's outrageous story or Kyungsoo's smile in reaction to the story. He lets go of Jongdae to walk over to the couch and hit the back of Baekhyun's head. "Shut up, that's not true. Don't believe anything he says," he adds, speaking to Kyungsoo. "He's a big liar." Kyungsoo isn't smiling anymore, and it makes Chanyeol resentful because he'd been trying to get Kyungsoo to smile for weeks now, but Baekhyun had succeeded within the first five minutes of meeting him.
"Come on, let's eat breakfast," Jongdae says, coming to join them.
The whole room is small. The microwave and mini fridge in one corner make up the kitchen, and there's a small couch in the other corner facing a small television that they've dubbed their living room. The rest of the space is taken up by two beds and desks that double as a dining table when necessary. It's barely enough room for two people, and with four people, it's practically chaotic.
They knock elbows as they prepare the food, and they end up eating on the floor, a mess of limbs reaching for the food. Jongdae sits next to Chanyeol, practically pressing into him, and Chanyeol can feel his every movement.
Baekhyun somehow manages to talk while he eats, providing far more detail about his daily life in the university than strictly necessary. Jongdae and Chanyeol chime in at random points, while Kyungsoo seems to ignore them, staring down at his plate with a slightly disapproving frown. But Kyungsoo doesn't look angry, or any angrier than he usually looks.
"You know, if you guys want a pet, you could always get a turtle. I saw an advertisement the other day, and they were selling turtles for just fifteen hundred won."
"Fifteen hundred?" Chanyeol repeats. That sounds ridiculously cheap.
"Includes delivery and everything." Baekhyun accepts the napkin that Jongdae hands him, dabbing at his lips as he continues talking. "It's a baby snapping turtle. They also sell hundred year old turtles for hundreds of thousands of won."
"No turtles," Kyungsoo says, catching Chanyeol's eye. "We agreed on fish."
Chanyeol spends the rest of the breakfast staring unhappily at Kyungsoo and sending him angry and pleading thoughts. When Kyungsoo ignores him, staring down at his food or just pointedly looking away, Chanyeol leans across the plates and shoves his face in front of Kyungsoo's, trying to convey all of his emotions by being a few centimeters away from the tip of Kyungsoo's nose.
Kyungsoo shoves a hand in front of Chanyeol's face, and Jongdae pulls him back.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Jongdae asks, his hand remaining on Chanyeol's arm. It's oddly comforting, and Chanyeol leans into the touch as he continues looking in Kyungsoo's direction.
Chanyeol doesn't answer immediately, not wanting to spill Kyungsoo's secret. It's not because he doesn't think his friends would be find with it, but it's because it's not really his secret to tell. It's only then that he sees the distance between him and his closest friends, even if it's only been a few weeks. He thinks about the next four years of university and shudders.
"Chanyeol wants a turtle," Kyungsoo says, heartlessly biting into a croissant and looking completely unaffected.
"I'll buy you one," Jongdae says, patting Chanyeol's arm like the good friend that he is.
"Really?" Chanyeol grins brightly at Jongdae, and if he wasn't in the middle of eating something, chopsticks still grasping food in one hand, Chanyeol would hug him. "Thanks!"
"You can keep it in the janitor's closet next door," Kyungsoo says, and remains unmovable despite Chanyeol's pleas.
It's only after Baekhyun and Jongdae have left (with promises to return) that Chanyeol is aware of the silence again. Kyungsoo is sitting on his bed reading a book, and Chanyeol walks around the room, which, although it isn't big enough to be paced, still contains too much empty space.
"He likes you, doesn't he?" Kyungsoo asks suddenly, and Chanyeol's head jerks up, his eyes wide.
"Who?"
"The guy sitting next to you. Jongdae." Kyungsoo puts his book to the side, fixing Chanyeol with a wide-eyed stare, and Chanyeol is suddenly aware that this is a very serious situation.
Chanyeol swallows nervously. "Um, yeah? I think so? We wouldn't be friends if he didn't."
"You know what I mean." There's a picture of clear agitation on Kyungsoo's face, and yeah, he knows that Chanyeol's dodging the question.
Chanyeol looks down at the floor, trying to avoid Kyungsoo's eyes. "He's confessed to me before, but I've never thought of it?"
"Chanyeol." Suddenly, Kyungsoo is standing in front of Chanyeol, a hand under his chin, and he forces Chanyeol to look up. "Do you like him?" Kyungsoo's eyes are surprisingly warm, and it helps to know that, even if he must know much darker secrets than most people know about Chanyeol, he doesn't find Chanyeol repulsive.
"I don't," Chanyeol says, his voice weak. Kyungsoo continues staring at him, and he can feel the sweat on his palms, the nervousness in his skin. "Do I?" he asks, when the silence stretches for too long and Kyungsoo just keeps looking at him.
Finally, Kyungsoo drops his hand and shakes his head. "You don't."
Chanyeol isn't sure whether to be relieved or disappointed.
They're twenty when they speak of love again. It's not a topic that's lightly discussed, especially not among those who haven't yet received their assignments. The four of them--Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Jongdae, and Kyungsoo--are out for dinner when Baekhyun suddenly starts pulling papers out of his pockets.
"We got our assignments yesterday," he says, spreading the papers out on the table. But he doesn't pass them to anyone, and there's hesitation in the way he taps his fingers on the surface of the table.
Chanyeol reaches for the papers first, and it takes him a moment to realize that by "we," Baekhyun had meant him and Jongdae, and by "assignment," he'd meant their partners, the person they'd spend the rest of their lives with.
The paper is part of a long letter from the government detailing the specifics of the pairing, and there, in the corner, there's the person Baekhyun is assigned with: Kim Jongdae.
Chanyeol suddenly feels like he can't breathe, and he isn't sure why. Jongdae's paper, predictably, also has a similar result: Byun Baekhyun.
When Chanyeol looks up, he feels multiple eyes on him. There's Baekhyun's unreadable gaze, Kyungsoo's understanding look, and Jongdae--expectant is the only word that Chanyeol can come up with.
"Congratulations," Chanyeol says, and he hands the papers back to Baekhyun. He still feels slightly disoriented, but it's only natural. Part of it is jealousy because he hasn't yet received his assignment, even though he's been going back year after year to get tests done. But it's mostly because they three of them have been close friends since childhood, and now, however irrational it may sound, he feels slightly left out. It means nothing, he tells himself, chasing the last of the bitterness in his mouth away with a gulp of soju.
Baekhyun drinks his glass too, and it's the first time that Chanyeol has seen him so uncertain. He taps his glass against the surface of the table. "You know, it's weird. I never thought that it would end up like this."
"I wouldn't have chosen you if I could help it," Jongdae says, his words lighthearted and joking, but no one laughs.
"I thought if two of us did end up together..." Baekhyun bites his lip, and his glass clatters loudly when he puts it back on the table. "I thought it would be Chanyeol and Jongdae, you know? Because--"
"Congratulations," Kyungsoo interrupts, and Chanyeol makes a mental note to thank him because that could have been awkward. "Now you two can go around terrorizing everyone you meet."
This time, there is laughter, and Chanyeol can almost believe that the tension has shattered.
Baekhyun, Chanyeol remembers, has always eagerly waited for his assignment. When they were still kids, he'd talk about his ideal type, daydream aloud about the kind of person he'd end up with. That was before they had grown up, before they'd learned the boundaries between what should be said and what was not even worth thinking of. But Baekhyun had always been enthusiastic, even if he doesn't show it, and Chanyeol had expected more of a reaction from him. Yet right now, he just looks sad.
And Jongdae--he doesn't lean into Chanyeol as he drinks, resting his chin on the table as his eyes start to flutter close. Rather than matching Baekhyun word for word, he settles for matching him drink for drink.
It's mostly Kyungsoo that does the talking for all of them, and when they stand to leave, Chanyeol feels very disappointed. They'd come out to this restaurant as a celebration after midterms, to spend more time together, not for--whatever that had been.
"Can you guys even make it home?" Kyungsoo asks, and Baekhyun giggles brightly as he practically clings to Jongdae.
"Yeah," Baekhyun says, his words practically unrecognizable as he half mumbles into Jongdae's shoulder.
They're pressed so close, and Chanyeol has to look away. Get used to it, he tells himself. Jongdae doesn't hug him as he leaves, doesn't even look at him, and it lingers in Chanyeol's mind for all the wrong reasons.
He doesn't hug Baekhyun often, but Jongdae is so soft and warm, and it's always been something they did naturally for as long as Chanyeol could remember. But it's different now, and he has to remind himself as he looks away.
Of course, he ends up looking into Kyungsoo's eyes, and for the first time, he really hates Kyungsoo's ability.
But Kyungsoo just looks at him understandingly, and it must be because he's gotten too much to drink too, since Chanyeol has never seen him smile so warmly.
"You don't have to worry," Kyungsoo says, putting a hand on Chanyeol's shoulder.
Why should I care? Chanyeol thinks he says, but he doesn't remember anything else.
Things do change, and Chanyeol isn't a fool to think that they won't. But it's still unexpected, how much he feels like an outsider whenever he's with Baekhyun and Jongdae. He's more aware now than before the private jokes that the two share, more because of their time together than anything. It's frustrating on their side to explain every comment, to tell of every moment in the lives that only they share now, and eventually, Chanyeol stops asking.
He never sees one without seeing the other, and if he's being honest, it's not as fun seeing them anymore, but he still goes.
Now, Jongdae no longer leans against him. There's a respectable distance between them, and Jongdae always holds Baekhyun's hand, so Baekhyun is almost like a barrier between them. It means nothing, Chanyeol knows, but he can't hug Jongdae quite as freely anymore. He can't even touch him without remembering the words on the paper.
Whenever they are together, they don't tangle their limbs anymore. Maybe it's because they're no longer kids, but that's really not an excuse. Chanyeol feels the space keenly, misses the warmth of other human beings beside him as they watch the television, but he doesn't say anything.
He pretends it's okay, and really, he could live like this. It's just that Kyungsoo always knows more than Chanyeol says, and every so often, he shows his worry for Chanyeol.
"Maybe you shouldn't go," Kyungsoo says, when Chanyeol comes back after an unsatisfying dinner. The food was okay, but it's always the company that adds flavor to the food.
"What else am I supposed to do?" Chanyeol sprawls out on his bed, trying to avoid Kyungsoo's eyes by looking up at the ceiling, but it doesn't work. Instead, Kyungsoo leans over him, staring into his eyes, and it's slightly disconcerting.
"I don't know. Study like you're supposed to. There's still one more semester before break."
Chanyeol makes a face, and Kyungsoo rolls his eyes before leaning forward and bumping his forehead against Chanyeol's, hard.
"Stop being such a whiny baby and focus on your studies. You have the rest of your life to regret, but you only have this time to pass your classes."
Kyungsoo is right, and of course he's right, which makes Chanyeol even more hesitant to listen to him. The rest of life is like the noise you hear when a car passes by with its windows down and the music turned all the way up: incoherent loud voices and pounding background music that leads the way to a headache, but you still can't avoid it. Kyungsoo is like the one clear voice in the cacophony, and Chanyeol is thankful that he's here.
"You don't have to worry about your own assignment," Kyungsoo says, stepping away from Chanyeol's face and sitting down on his bed. "I'm sure the government won't forget about you."
"Yeah. I guess I'm just jealous because they got their assignments so soon, and they got each other, and it's weird." Chanyeol tries to make a shrugging movement while he's lying on the bed, but he fails miserably and ends up tangling his blankets around his legs.
Kyungsoo doesn't bother hiding his amusement at Chanyeol's misfortune, his eyes crinkling in the corners as he smiles, containing his laughter.
Chanyeol pouts up at Kyungsoo and pushes his shoulder insistently. "Hey, can you make me some food? Please?" He gives Kyungsoo his best pleading expression, trying to convey as many pitiful emotions as he can with his eyes.
Kyungsoo ends up making food for him because Chanyeol is so terribly convincing ("You're not," Kyungsoo snaps, as he hands Chanyeol a bowl of noodles). Chanyeol opens his textbook and stares down at his computer, which shows his current assignment.
At least he makes progress, although it's mostly due to Kyungsoo's insistence in removing any and all distractions.
"Nothing until you're done," he says, and Chanyeol doesn't finish until it's Kyungsoo's bedtime.
At first, Chanyeol had found Kyungsoo's bedtime before days of classes inconvenient, since he had made it a habit during his high shook years to never go to sleep before midnight. But the bedtime is helpful, and it's easier to listen to Kyungsoo than to deliberately disobey him, so Chanyeol has developed a habit to go to bed at the designated bedtime.
Yet tonight, he can't fall asleep, and he shifts in his bed probably more than necessary. The curtains are drawn completely shut and the room is dark, but there's a nagging thought in his mind that he can't get rid of, no matter how ridiculous it is.
Kyungsoo hasn't fallen asleep yet either, as Chanyeol can judge from the shallowness in his breathing and the way he's shifting every now and then.
"Hey, Kyungsoo?" Chanyeol calls softly. When he gets no response, he continues anyway, "Do I like Jongdae?"
He doesn't get a response, and Kyungsoo might be asleep by now, but really, Chanyeol doesn't need one.
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