FALLING SLOWLY for VVIPFORSEUNGRI
For: vvipforseungri
Title: Falling Slowly
Pairing(s): Chanyeol/Kai
Rating: PG-13
Warnings(s):[spoiler]Mentions of illness, character death
Length: 6590w
Summary: Chanyeol doesn’t have long left, but he and Jongin are determined to make the best of it.
Chanyeol isn’t afraid of dying.
At this point in his life, he thinks that death will bring relief more than anything else. Cancer had always played a big part in most of his childhood, with first his grandmother, then his aunt and finally himself being diagnosed seemingly out of nowhere. For Chanyeol, the news came when he had a blood test after he’d fallen asleep in class more times than he could count in a worryingly short space of time. While his diagnosis was a shock to him and his family and friends, he tried to remain optimistic despite it all. He didn’t find it easy, between the constant chemotherapy appointments, as well as losing control over pretty much all of his life. He had to lose his place on the school basketball team due to him constantly feeling drained, and eventually had to give up his guitar and drumming lessons because of the cancer affecting the shape of his fingers. But still, Chanyeol remained cheerful and hopeful, even when his persistent coughing fits left him with broken ribs and blood splattered bed sheets on a morning.
He even tried to remain hopeful when his doctor sat him down one day and gravely told him that they’d done everything they could but, unfortunately, his cancer was terminal. Chanyeol had kept smiling even while his mother and his sister cried bitterly, trying his best to comfort them whilst dealing with his own whirlwind of emotions. None of them, not even himself, had expected this - all of his other relatives had recovered during their years of treatment. But Chanyeol was not to be one of them and, at first, he struggled to come to terms with the fact that he’d die before he even turned 20 years old.
He’s not ashamed to admit he cried later, in the solitary darkness of his bedroom after his mother had gone to bed at six in the evening. He likes to believe that anyone would cry in his situation, that anyone would be as desperate to wake up to find the whole thing was just some twisted nightmare caused by his medication. But, as Chanyeol finds out when he eventually wakes up the next morning, it isn’t a nightmare and he has to deal with the idea of dying before he’s barely even began to live. There’s still so much left for him to do, for him to see and experience, but he’s been cruelly robbed of the time to do it all. And that terrifies him.
No, Chanyeol isn’t afraid of dying, but he is afraid of dying feeling unfulfilled.
One of the things that Chanyeol is most grateful for, and always has been, is the fact that his best friend has remained by his side through the whole thing. Jongin was there for him from the start, even accompanying him to some of his chemo appointments just so Chanyeol had the relief of a familiar face being there with him. It’s Jongin who held his hand tightly because he knows how much Chanyeol has always hated needles, and it was Jongin who helped brush back his hair for what seemed like an eternity when the chemo made Chanyeol throw up whatever he’d dared eat. Most of Chanyeol’s other friends had drifted away from him since his diagnosis, often making excuses as to why they couldn’t see him until he realised what was happening. He understood their reasons, it must’ve been hard to see him deteriorating so much and so fast, but he couldn’t help but feel abandoned as each one of them eventually stopped seeing him. But Jongin was still with him and, as unfortunate as the situation was, their friendship was stronger than it had even been in their ten years of knowing each other.
When his doctors told him his cancer was terminal, Chanyeol had sat down and written down 100 things he’d like have done before his eventual death. He affectionately called it his bucket list. Some of the things were simple, such as number 43, which was for him and Yura to get ice cream from their favourite childhood café. Others were more difficult, one being number 75, which was to meet his favourite girl group member at one of their concerts. Some of them he probably wouldn’t even be able to complete before he grew too weak, but he was determined to experience as much as possible in the year he’d been given. Jongin checked over the list for him, laughing at times but mostly smiling sadly as he read the piece of paper covered in Chanyeol’s spidery handwriting. To Chanyeol’s surprise, Jongin had looked him in the eyes and sworn he’d do everything possible to help him achieve what he wanted, and that no amount of stammered reassurances that he didn’t have to would stop him.
Jongin was just as stubborn as Chanyeol himself could be, so Chanyeol immediately knew there was no point in arguing over this with him. He did warn him that it’d be tiring and expensive, knowing that this probably wouldn’t be enough to put the younger boy off. And he was right, for the next day Jongin emptied his bank account of his college savings, and they bought their first plane tickets to Italy. For just under a year they had the time of their lives, backpacking from country to country in Europe before setting off to explore Asia then returning back home to the States to complete the less challenging tasks on Chanyeol’s precious list. Chanyeol let all his worries go for the entire time they were abroad and threw himself into everything they did, even when he struggled to get out of bed some days. Having Jongin there with him made things so much better, as he was always there for him and he made the experience much more worthwhile. His face hurt from all the smiling and laughing they did, what seemed to be the first time he’d smiled in months. No matter how much pain he was in, nothing could affect what Chanyeol calls the best days of his life.
Coming back home to constant monitoring from the hospital was a let-down, even with Jongin by his side all the time. But he did still have the rest of his list to look forward to doing. Jongin accompanied him to New York for a weekend to see a broadway show and to go all the way to the top of the Empire State building. He followed him to Ohio, though mostly against his better judgement, to go ghost hunting in all the abandoned buildings, clinging to Chanyeol whenever they heard the smallest noise. Jongin kept him sane in the madness of chemo appointments and group therapy sessions, and Chanyeol will always be grateful to him for that. Jongin made him feel like he had all the time in the world, and then some, to do everything he’s ever wanted to do.
But, before Chanyeol has even realised what’s happened, he’s got around just a week left to live. He and Jongin have been successful in completing nearly everything on his bucket list, only leaving out activities such as cliff diving and river rafting due to Chanyeol barely being able to walk anymore. Chanyeol often finds himself smiling absentmindedly as he thinks of all the fun they had, like getting lost in the backstreets of London, or convincing Jongin to try fried spider in Cambodia after the vendor likened the taste to chicken. He’ll never forget the look of betrayal the younger boy gave him as he bit into the snack, gagging almost immediately.
As such, there’s only one important thing left on the (now weathered) piece of paper, but neither of them are sure how they’re going in manage it in the scare time they have left together.
It’s number 100 on Chanyeol’s list. And it’s to fall in love.
Chanyeol has never really been in love before. He had a steady girlfriend for about a year, but she broke up with him when she moved back to Korea with her family. Since then, he’s never actually had chance for a relationship, between basketball practises and music lessons and school work. But he always felt like he was missing out on something, something important that he felt he’d never quite gotten to grips with. This feeling had grown when his friends began branching off into relationships, leaving him wanting to be able to look at someone else the way that they looked at their boyfriends/girlfriends. Not having that himself didn’t hurt exactly, it just left him feeling somewhat empty inside.
The feeling of emptiness only seem to worsen as his diagnosis turned terminal. The idea of dying without knowing exactly what it’s like to fall in love was just so scary to Chanyeol, yet he didn’t know how to make it happen. It didn’t help that he’d told no one, not even Jongin, about the emptiness that he felt - he was afraid that he’d be laughed at. Even now, as he sat opposite the other boy the idea of confessing all of this made him feel flustered. Deep down, Chanyeol knows that he should tell him one day, and that day should be soon because he doesn’t have long left to live, but he just can’t bring himself to say anything. It doesn’t help that recently he’s been getting these quiet, intrusive thoughts about how good looking Jongin actually is, and how perfectly kissable his lips look a lot of the time. These aren’t appropriate thoughts to have about your best friend, Chanyeol thinks, particularly when they usually invade his brain whenever Jongin touches him.
“So…” Jongin coughed awkwardly, looking up to meet his eyes. “How do we get you to fall in love in a couple of days?”
“I don’t know.” Chanyeol confessed, sighing loudly then wincing at the dull pain he felt. “Any ideas?”
“You sure you haven’t got someone you’ve been keeping a secret? It’d make things a hell of a lot easier.” Jongin chuckles lightly, fiddling with his phone charm of some anime character. Chanyeol is thankful for this, as it means he misses the guilty look that briefly flashes across his face.
“It would, but I don’t. Options?”
“None at the moment.”
Chanyeol sighed, sipping his drink. They’d met up in a coffee shop near Jongin’s house, as Chanyeol hated staying inside all day even with his condition. It’s not that good of a coffee shop - Jongin pulled a pretty disgusted expression when he sipped his espresso - but they can fit Chanyeol’s wheelchair through the door on his worst days, and it’s close by enough that he can walk there on the good ones. He looks around at the other customers absentmindedly, wondering if they’re in a similar predicament to himself, or if they’re blissfully free from it.
“We could take you out some places and see if the whole “love at first sight” thing is true.” Jongin interrupts his thoughts with his suggestions, startling Chanyeol slightly.
“Really?”
Chanyeol’s not sure if he believes in love at first sight. He knows all about it of course, from the fairy tales that Yura used to read for him when they were younger, but it all seems a bit farfetched to him. His life hasn’t exactly been a fairy tale up until this point, but isn’t it usually in a person’s most desperate moment that something magical happens? It worked for Cinderella anyway.
“Why not?” Jongin looks at him with a carefully blank expression. “It’s not as if you have anything to lose, anyway.”
“Good point.” Chanyeol sighs, giving in. “Who’d fall in love with me at first sight though? I’m 19 and I carry a damn oxygen tank.”
“If they’re put off by that then it’s not love at first sight.” Jongin nods wisely, gagging on the sip he takes of his coffee. “We’ll go try the park first, it’s close and we can walk the triplets at the same time!”
Chanyeol snorts at that. “You and your dogs.”
“Don’t act as if you hate them.” Jongin warns him, standing to help him out of his seat.
“Whatever.”
They end up having to stop off at Chanyeol’s house to collect his wheelchair, Jongin insisting that he should use it despite Chanyeol’s protests that it’d probably scare anyone with potential away. Monggu nearly explodes with excitement when he sees them, immediately jumping up to settle himself on Chanyeol’s lap. Chanyeol waves off Jongin’s apologies, scratching the excited bundle of brown fur behind his ears. Jjanggu and Jjangah settle by his feet as Jongin searches for their leashes, smiling fondly when he notices what’s happening.
“They’re gonna miss you.” He remarks.
“I know,” Chanyeol replies. “They love me more than their poor single mother.” He snorts as Jongin shoots him a threatening glare.
“That’s a lie and you know it, they adore me.”
“That’s what you think.” Chanyeol winks at him.
“Shut up and let’s go.”
The park is pretty empty when they arrive, save for an old man walking a dog that looks eerily similar to himself and a couple of kids kicking a ball around. Jongin settles himself on a bench, setting the dogs free to run around whilst Chanyeol parks his wheelchair next to his friend. He feels pretty exhausted already but he sits up, tugging his coat tighter around himself to keep out the bitter breeze. Jongin sorts through a pack of cards he always carries around with him, dealing them out to the two of them to act as a distraction as they wait to see if anything happens. Chanyeol tries to concentrate on the game but he keeps pausing to look around, eager to see if he can spot anyone with potential. Jongin simply shakes his head, calling him more of a puppy than the dogs.
To Chanyeol’s disappointment, nothing noteworthy happens during in their stay at the park. He insists on staying there as long as possible, even stubbornly sitting through a sudden thunderstorm. Jongin panics slightly, trying to convince him that they should really go home for Chanyeol’s benefit, but he doesn’t succeed. Admitting defeat, he at least drapes his jacket around Chanyeol’s shoulders and insist he put on his gloves, for fear that it’ll make his condition even worse. Chanyeol sighs and gives in, mumbling that Jongin’s too similar to his mother for his liking. He can’t help but be disappointed on the way home, letting Jongin’s reassurances of how they still have time wash over him like the rain. He goes straight to bed when he arrives, taking his medication then falling asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow.
Chanyeol’s dreams that night are full of shadows, shadows that draw close but never quite close enough to him. Attracted to them and their whispered promises, he tries to move closer, but he’s held back by his wheelchair and oxygen tank. He tries his hardest to reach out to him, but the shadows draw away as the space they’re in begins to fade away to black. Chanyeol cries out in desperation, pain suddenly flaring up in his lungs as a loud beeping noise fills his ears. He knows immediately what the sound is, he knows from spending so much of his recent time on a hospital ward somewhere. It’s the sound of a heart rate monitor, and whoever it belongs to is isn’t alive anymore.
He doesn’t mention the dream to Jongin the next day, not wanting to dampen the mood. Jongin’s oddly optimistic, telling him that he read online that one of the best places to meet your future lover is the mall. Chanyeol doesn’t see what’s so romantic about an unpleasant smelling taco stand and a Hot Topic store, but he decides to take Jongin’s word for it and lets him guide his wheelchair onto the bus. Jongin entertains them during the journey with his phone, giving Chanyeol one of the earbuds to listen with and showing him stupid videos on Youtube. He struggles to find much funny these days, the constant presence of his illness ruining anything fun, but he laughs along with Jongin to make everything better, even if only for a little while.
The mall immediately looks more promising than the park, full of people around their own age. But they all turn to look at Chanyeol in his wheelchair with his oxygen tank, and he avoids meeting their eyes in case he finds them filled with disgust. Jongin notices and steers him towards a quieter area, crouching down next to him and grabbing hold of his hands.
“Hey.” He starts, looking up at him. “Don’t let them bother you. You’re still Chanyeol despite all of this - you’re a good person. Hell I’d fall for you at first sight if I could, and I can say that, I’ve known it’s true for ten years.”
Chanyeol blushes at Jongin’s words and looks away, muttering something about how no one will like him if he looks like what he does. Jongin simply tells him that that’s their problem, and begins pushing him towards the elevators to take them up to the food court. Chanyeol lost his appetite for food long ago, but he entertains Jongin’s idea and buys himself a burger and fries, though he barely eats any of it. He’s still playing around with his ketchup by the time Jongin’s finished his entire meal, and he happily surrenders his burger to him. Besides, eating would only distract him from looking for anyone he could potentially fall for, even if he can’t imagine a fairy godmother appearing to bless him in a food court. They sit there for close to an hour, pointing out anyone they find attractive and making comments to each other about them. It’s nice, but no one that Chanyeol looks at stands out to him, so he knows he won’t get anywhere anytime soon. He’s sitting right next to Jongin, the younger boy having lifted him out of his wheelchair so that he could sit at the table with him, and he’s warm and Chanyeol gets a weird feeling in what feels like his gut whenever their fingers brush. He reasons with himself, saying he probably has something like indigestion due to the fries not agreeing with his medication. He almost believes it.
Jongin takes him around a few shops afterwards, killing time before their bus home arrives. Chanyeol looks at the people more than the items on offer, a blonde girl catching his eye when she doesn’t look at him like he’s some sort of circus freak, but she disappears into the crowd faster than his eyes can follow her. He sags into his wheelchair, sighing in disappointment. He opts to stay outside when Jongin ducks into a store, mumbling something about new laces for his dancing shoes. Chanyeol fiddles with a loose thread on his coat, biting at his lip, when he feels compelled to look up suddenly. He does so, and looks into the eyes of his ex-girlfriend, who’s stood outside a store on the stretch opposite him. She’s staring directly at him, and her eyes are full of what Chanyeol recognises as pity, as he knows it well. Chanyeol looks away immediately, turning his wheelchair around to try and find Jongin in the store he disappeared into. He hates it when people pity him.
Jongin hands him a bag when he manages to find him. Chanyeol raises his eyebrows, taking it and pulling a striped scarf out of it. It’s the softest scarf he’s ever felt, and he blinks up at Jongin in confusion as he runs his fingers through the fringes of it.
“What’s this for?”
“You, dumbass.” Jongin replies, grabbing hold of the wheelchair handles. “You never bought one to replace the one that you never got around to mending, and since it’s getting cold I thought I might as well get it.”
Chanyeol feels an inexplicable warmth suddenly flare up inside of him, said warmth rising all the way to his cheeks. Jongin always looks out for him, especially recently, but he never expects him to treat him to something like this - he knows he doesn’t have that much money. He has half a mind to demand he takes it back or at least keeps it for himself, but he knows that Jongin will have chosen it especially for him, so he winds it around his neck gratefully. It’s warm and soft, and it stops the breeze from biting at his neck whilst they wait for the bus. He hangs it up carefully with his coat when he gets home, taking Jongin through to his room so they can play video games before his mom comes home. Chanyeol likes it when they can do this, it reminds him of how things used to be before it all fell apart. If he bugs him enough, Jongin will even play Chanyeol’s old guitar for him, though he always refuses when Chanyeol tries to give it to him so that it might be played like it used to be.
“It’s yours, you could end up playing it again one day.” Jongin always insists.
Jongin makes something to eat to tide Chanyeol over until his mom arrives, making sure he at least eats part of it before he goes home. The silence in the house is almost deafening when he does, so Chanyeol wheels himself back to his room to listen to music while he lies on his bed. His thoughts end up turning to the strange warmth he felt when Jongin gave him the scarf. Jongin usually makes him feel warm, but it’s a happy kind of warmth, like when Chanyeol used to walk in from school in the winter to find Yura baking something in the kitchen. But what he felt today was new, it felt hot rather than warm for the first time, and Chanyeol doesn’t quite understand how it happened but he doesn’t exactly dislike it. Jongin is one of the only things in his life that has remained constant since he can remember, and he’d like for it to stay that way as long as possible.
One thing he does know though, is that the emptiness isn’t as bad today.
It’s bitterly cold the next morning. Jongin comes to Chanyeol’s house far too early for his liking, clutching two bus tickets in his gloved hands. Chanyeol’s mother insists that Chanyeol wears more layers than he’d like to, especially after Jongin announces that they’re going down to the beach today.
“The beach? Wouldn’t that be a better idea in, I don’t know, summer?” Chanyeol remarks, finding his gloves.
“We don’t have until summer though.” Jongin solemnly replies, accepting a flask of hot tea from Chanyeol’s mother.
The bus ride to the beach takes longer than Chanyeol can remember it usually taking but, then again, he’s not been down there for well over a year. Jongin watches dance tutorials on his phone for the entire journey, one hand firmly holding onto Chanyeol’s wheelchair because the brakes aren’t what they used to be. There’s a thunderstorm outside, the wind howling in their ears and making the bus windows rattle ominously. Chanyeol feels like he’ll regret letting Jongin drag him out here, it’s a day where he’d much rather they’d be at home watching movies or something normal like that. No one, well except for them, seems crazy enough to go to a beach during a thunderstorm, and Chanyeol isn’t sure that he’d get on well with someone who does.
His suspicions are confirmed when they eventually get off of the bus. The thunderstorm has reduced to just a light drizzle by now, but the beach still remains completely empty save for a few birds hunting for scraps. Jongin looks crestfallen as he looks around, wondering how he can make this better than it looks.
“Well, it’s not s-so bad,” He begins, biting his lip. “Some people could turn up while we’re here.”
Chanyeol sighs, defeated. “They won’t Jongin, we’re the only ones mad enough to be here in this weather.”
Jongin’s shoulders sag as he apparently admits defeat too. “I- I’m sorry, I really screwed this up.”
Chanyeol feels awful. Jongin’s been nothing but a help to him for these past few days, hell this past year in fact, and all he’s done is thrown it back in his face. It’s not Jongin’s fault that they haven’t been able to find someone for Chanyeol to fall for at first sight, and the more that Chanyeol thinks about the whole idea the more he realises that it probably isn’t going to happen. He also realises that today could be the last day out with Jongin that he’ll ever have, so he should focus on his friend and not some mythological first love. Jongin is infinitely more important to him than that.
“No, I’m sorry too.” Chanyeol eventually sighs, turning around in his wheelchair so he can look Jongin in the eyes. “I’ve been so obsessed with this whole thing that I’ve been letting it ruin our time together. A-And I don’t want that Jongin, y-you’re more important to me than a-anyone else could ever hope to b-be.”
Jongin watches him with sad eyes, parking the wheelchair and coming around to face Chanyeol. He leans down and hugs the older boy to his chest, burying his face against his shoulder. Chanyeol sighs contently and wraps his arms around Jongin’s waist, leaning his head against his chest. The warmth is almost unbearably hot now, burning inside of him as they continue to hug. Tears sting Chanyeol’s eyes at the thought of never experiencing this again, never again feeling the warmth that Jongin gives him. They eventually break apart, Jongin ruffling Chanyeol’s hair fondly before steering him towards a warm looking café where they can wait for the next bus back to Chanyeol’s place. The waitress mistakes them for a couple and Jongin’s cheeks turn crimson as he stammers out their order, Chanyeol snorting at him from behind the shield of his scarf.
They end up doing what Chanyeol wants to do for the rest of the day. Jongin makes their favourite popcorn and they sit on Chanyeol’s bed, watching over the top action movies and ridiculous comedies until the sun goes down. Chanyeol’s mother insists on Jongin staying for dinner as well, letting them eat in Chanyeol’s room so the older boy doesn’t have to move too much. He looks tired and pale, more so than usual, and Jongin knows as he looks at him that things aren’t going to last. They hug for longer than usual that night when Jongin leaves, clinging to each other in the dim porch light until Yura comes out to see what’s keeping Chanyeol so long. The siblings watch as Jongin walks down through their yard, waving at him until he disappears from sight.
Chanyeol feels a sense of dread as he wheels himself back to his room, changing into his pyjamas. His arms feel heavier than usual, most likely because he’s exhausted, and his chest aches whenever he takes a breath. Sleep will come as a relief for him, but he’s not ready to sleep yet because he wants to think of Jongin and how the emptiness that he usually feels inside of him doesn’t feel so empty anymore. He wants to mull over the mysterious warmth that Jongin gives him whenever he just happens to look at him, giving him that shy smile that seems to be reserved only for Chanyeol.
To Chanyeol, Jongin is all things warm and comfortable and he feels that when he dies he’ll never be able to experience anything like that ever again. He sighs, dragging himself out of his wheelchair and into bed, resolving that the next day he’ll finally tell Jongin about the emptiness and the warmth and pray that he won’t be too weirded out by his best friend essentially confessing that he makes him feel like he’s on fire whenever he touches him. Tomorrow he muses, his heavy eyelids closing, he’ll finally tell him everything that he’s been hiding for so long.
Chanyeol falls asleep in his bed, and wakes up in a hospital room.
Jongin visits Chanyeol in hospital at the end of the week, carrying a battered bouquet of peonies he spent the last of his money on in the hospital gift shop. He’s never liked hospitals, not since his father died in one when he was just a child, and especially not after everything that’s happened to Chanyeol. But, he can’t abandon Chanyeol right now, especially after Yura sent him a text saying that things weren’t looking too promising. His mother insisted he dress up a little bit so he’s wearing his best jeans and a white button down, though he keeps tugging at the too-tight collar in annoyance. The receptionist smiles at him as she directs him to Chanyeol’s room, telling him that Yura and Chanyeol’s mother just left to go collect other relatives. Jongin thanks her and takes the shaky elevator to the right floor, his heart leaping into his throat as he draws closer and closer.
The entire floor stinks of bleach and it’s unpleasant as hell, but Jongin reasons that it’s better than whatever smell the bleach is covering. He makes his way to the end of the corridor, self-conscious of the way his shoes squeak with every step he takes. The nurse outside Chanyeol’s room nods at him as he walks past, and he nods back briefly as he takes a deep breath before pushing the door open.
The room is nearly barren, except for the hospital bed, the connecting machines and a couple of plastic chairs. Jongin grabs one and drags it next to the bed, nearly collapsing into it as he takes in the sight of his best friend lying next to him. He understands what Yura meant when he sees how pale Chanyeol is, most of the colour on him coming from the purple of his hair. Jongin reaches out and gently ruffles the strands, remembering how they’d completely wrecked the bathroom with hair dye as part of the bucket list. Chanyeol’s eyelids flutter when Jongin touches him, so he pulls away slowly as not to disturb him, letting his fingers gently brush the other boy’s cheek as he does.
Jongin can’t remember exactly when he fell in love with Chanyeol, but he knows it was a good few years ago. Part of him thinks it was all the way back in elementary, when Chanyeol got his beloved Pokémon cards back for him after one of the bullies stole them from his locker. Or it could’ve been in middle school when Chanyeol ran all the way to his house after Jongin’s older sister died suddenly in a car accident, and he spent the night holding the younger boy against his chest. Though, to be honest, when it happened doesn’t matter to Jongin, what does matter is that he loves Chanyeol deeply, and has done for years.
Like Chanyeol, he’d tried to remain optimistic when the first diagnosis happened. They’d spent hours squashed up together in Chanyeol’s computer chair, googling survival numbers and reassuring themselves and each other that a lot of people survived lung cancer - statistically Chanyeol would too. Jongin tried to be there for his friend as much as he possibly could, accompanying him to chemo sessions and helping him pick out his wheelchair when he first started using one. Despite the metaphorical black cloud that is the cancer hanging over their heads, they were as happy as they could possibly be. That is, until Chanyeol called him and told him it was terminal.
Jongin can’t fully remember what happened after Chanyeol had hung up. His mother tells him that he barricaded himself in his room for a good three days afterwards, barely showing his face except to use the bathroom. He didn’t eat, he didn’t sleep, he just cried continuously for three days. He felt selfish, and still does, because he knows he should’ve been there for Chanyeol during those three days. His heart felt like it had shattered into thousands and millions of pieces, and it still hurts to this day as he sits next to Chanyeol’s lifeless body in a hospital room. Jongin doesn’t remember life without Chanyeol, and he doesn’t want to experience life without him.
After his three day absence, he’d shown up at Chanyeol’s house to find him writing a list of all the things he wanted to do. As Jongin had read that list, he’d vowed to himself that he was going to help Chanyeol do everything possible, even if it meant he’d have to spend the money he’d saved up over the years to go to college. And so he did, not regretting a single moment of it because he was able to see Chanyeol genuinely smiling for the first time in over a year. For the first time the awful jokes and ridiculous puns returned from the grave, and Jongin revelled in it because he finally had a Chanyeol that resembled the Chanyeol who existed before the cancer. Chanyeol’s bucket list provided him with the best memories he could’ve hoped for, now whenever he would think of his friend he wouldn’t think of him wincing as a nurse injected him with some drug, no, he’d think of him beaming with excitement as they stepped off of the plane into Rome’s airport, or when they held hands as they watched all of London pan out in front of them as they rode the Millennium Wheel. Chanyeol is so very precious to Jongin, a smiling and happy Chanyeol especially so.
Learning that Chanyeol wanted to fall in love before he died hurt Jongin more than it should have, he’d hoped that somewhere along the line Chanyeol would fall for him as fast as he fell for him, but that wasn’t the case it seemed. Despite this pain, Jongin tried his best to help Chanyeol fulfil his last wish, desperate to see him smile genuinely once more in the limited time they had together. He tried everything he could think of, bringing Chanyeol to the park, the mall and even all the way down to the beach, but nothing had worked and Jongin felt himself grasping at straws. He cried bitterly when Chanyeol was admitted to hospital the day after they’d been to the beach, blaming himself for putting Chanyeol’s already suffering body through so much stress. He’d come here today to make amends and, though time was running out fast, he still had the chance to do something worthwhile.
Chanyeol stirs suddenly and Jongin nearly jumps out of his skin, brushing away tears he didn’t know he was crying. He takes hold of Chanyeol’s hand, squeezing it carefully because of the wires attached to his friend’s body. Chanyeol groans softly and opens his eyes, turning his head towards Jongin as he blinks dazedly. Jongin manages a watery smile, trying to reassure his friend despite the rising feeling of panic inside of him.
“Hey there.” He murmurs, squeezing the other boy’s hand once more. “Sorry if I woke you.”
Chanyeol blinks at him a few times, most likely trying to focus, before shaking his head weakly. The movement hurts Jongin more than it should, because weak isn’t a word that should be associated with Chanyeol yet it’s the only fitting one right now. The machines connected to his friend continue beeping, the sound muted yet overwhelming at the same time. It’s a terrifying sound but it reassures Jongin that Chanyeol is still here with him, and that he’s not imagining his friend staring back at him right now. He keeps holding his hand tightly, using his thumb to draw what he hopes is soothing circles on the skin. Chanyeol’s brow furrows in concentration as he tries to squeeze Jongin’s hand in return, but all he manages to do is make Jongin’s eyes fill with tears.
“Don’t.” He chokes out, his voice hoarse from the unshed tears, “Just d-don’t.”
Chanyeol’s eyes are glazed over, and his eyelids are heavy whenever he blinks. Jongin knows that time is dwindling now, and he refuses to let his feelings go unknown, so he takes a deep breath and looks Chanyeol right in the eyes.
“I have s-something to t-tell you.” He stammers out, hands shaking as he speaks.
Chanyeol manages a tiny nod in reply, and Jongin takes it as an invitation to go ahead.
“I-I’ve never had the b-balls to tell you this b-before, but it needs t-to be said.” He begins, turning away to wipe away a stray tear that escapes down his cheek, “C-Chanyeol, I love y-you. I have done for years n-now, I-I’m- I’m so sorry I didn’t tell y-you.”
The noise of the machines is deafening to Jongin in the moments that follow his confession. Chanyeol’s brow stays furrowed as he processes what Jongin said, and Jongin looks down at the floor in shame. A tiny tug to his hand makes him look up immediately, and he moves willingly towards the bed as not to let his friend strain himself too much.
Chanyeol keeps tugging at him until he’s close enough and then, with obviously painful movements, slowly wraps his arms around Jongin’s neck and pulls him down. Jongin finally lets himself sob as his forehead rests on the pillow next to Chanyeol’s head, wrapping his arms carefully around the older boy’s waist. He cries into the pillow until he has no tears left, the occasional sniffing sound from next to him letting him know that Chanyeol’s crying along with him. Everything hurts, but his heart especially so, because deep down he knows that this is goodbye and he’s not ready for that yet. A small snapping sound catches his attention, and he lifts his head to see Chanyeol pulling his oxygen mask aside.
“D-Don’t!” Jongin gasps, trying to make the other boy put the mask back on, but Chanyeol holds it out of reach. “Chanyeol!”
Chanyeol smiles at him, a weak smile but a genuine one. It takes Jongin’s breath away to see it, so much so that he almost misses what Chanyeol whispers in his ear.
“T-Thank you,” Chanyeol rasps, tugging Jongin’s head closer slowly, “I-I love you t-too.”
Jongin lets out a dry sob as Chanyeol tugs his head down, their lips meeting in a kiss that Jongin’s dreamed of for years. But this is not Jongin’s dream kiss, it’s far from it - Jongin’s dream kiss is the both of them alive and happy together until the end of their days. No, this is a goodbye kiss, and Chanyeol knows it too from the way that he’s clutching onto Jongin like a lifeline. Jongin kisses him back the best he can, the tears falling from his eyes making it hard to see. He pulls away when he feels Chanyeol start shuddering from lack of air, and he tenderly presses his lips to his best friend’s forehead.
“I-I love you s-so much,” He whispers, feeling Chanyeol’s grasp on him weakening slowly. “I wish w-we could have more time.”
Chanyeol moves one of his hands to slowly caress his cheek, Jongin watching him with desperate eyes. He’s still smiling in that beautiful way, and Jongin leans down to kiss him gently one more time.
The heart rate monitor goes dead just after he pulls away.
Title: Falling Slowly
Pairing(s): Chanyeol/Kai
Rating: PG-13
Warnings(s):[spoiler]Mentions of illness, character death
Length: 6590w
Summary: Chanyeol doesn’t have long left, but he and Jongin are determined to make the best of it.
Chanyeol isn’t afraid of dying.
At this point in his life, he thinks that death will bring relief more than anything else. Cancer had always played a big part in most of his childhood, with first his grandmother, then his aunt and finally himself being diagnosed seemingly out of nowhere. For Chanyeol, the news came when he had a blood test after he’d fallen asleep in class more times than he could count in a worryingly short space of time. While his diagnosis was a shock to him and his family and friends, he tried to remain optimistic despite it all. He didn’t find it easy, between the constant chemotherapy appointments, as well as losing control over pretty much all of his life. He had to lose his place on the school basketball team due to him constantly feeling drained, and eventually had to give up his guitar and drumming lessons because of the cancer affecting the shape of his fingers. But still, Chanyeol remained cheerful and hopeful, even when his persistent coughing fits left him with broken ribs and blood splattered bed sheets on a morning.
He even tried to remain hopeful when his doctor sat him down one day and gravely told him that they’d done everything they could but, unfortunately, his cancer was terminal. Chanyeol had kept smiling even while his mother and his sister cried bitterly, trying his best to comfort them whilst dealing with his own whirlwind of emotions. None of them, not even himself, had expected this - all of his other relatives had recovered during their years of treatment. But Chanyeol was not to be one of them and, at first, he struggled to come to terms with the fact that he’d die before he even turned 20 years old.
He’s not ashamed to admit he cried later, in the solitary darkness of his bedroom after his mother had gone to bed at six in the evening. He likes to believe that anyone would cry in his situation, that anyone would be as desperate to wake up to find the whole thing was just some twisted nightmare caused by his medication. But, as Chanyeol finds out when he eventually wakes up the next morning, it isn’t a nightmare and he has to deal with the idea of dying before he’s barely even began to live. There’s still so much left for him to do, for him to see and experience, but he’s been cruelly robbed of the time to do it all. And that terrifies him.
No, Chanyeol isn’t afraid of dying, but he is afraid of dying feeling unfulfilled.
One of the things that Chanyeol is most grateful for, and always has been, is the fact that his best friend has remained by his side through the whole thing. Jongin was there for him from the start, even accompanying him to some of his chemo appointments just so Chanyeol had the relief of a familiar face being there with him. It’s Jongin who held his hand tightly because he knows how much Chanyeol has always hated needles, and it was Jongin who helped brush back his hair for what seemed like an eternity when the chemo made Chanyeol throw up whatever he’d dared eat. Most of Chanyeol’s other friends had drifted away from him since his diagnosis, often making excuses as to why they couldn’t see him until he realised what was happening. He understood their reasons, it must’ve been hard to see him deteriorating so much and so fast, but he couldn’t help but feel abandoned as each one of them eventually stopped seeing him. But Jongin was still with him and, as unfortunate as the situation was, their friendship was stronger than it had even been in their ten years of knowing each other.
When his doctors told him his cancer was terminal, Chanyeol had sat down and written down 100 things he’d like have done before his eventual death. He affectionately called it his bucket list. Some of the things were simple, such as number 43, which was for him and Yura to get ice cream from their favourite childhood café. Others were more difficult, one being number 75, which was to meet his favourite girl group member at one of their concerts. Some of them he probably wouldn’t even be able to complete before he grew too weak, but he was determined to experience as much as possible in the year he’d been given. Jongin checked over the list for him, laughing at times but mostly smiling sadly as he read the piece of paper covered in Chanyeol’s spidery handwriting. To Chanyeol’s surprise, Jongin had looked him in the eyes and sworn he’d do everything possible to help him achieve what he wanted, and that no amount of stammered reassurances that he didn’t have to would stop him.
Jongin was just as stubborn as Chanyeol himself could be, so Chanyeol immediately knew there was no point in arguing over this with him. He did warn him that it’d be tiring and expensive, knowing that this probably wouldn’t be enough to put the younger boy off. And he was right, for the next day Jongin emptied his bank account of his college savings, and they bought their first plane tickets to Italy. For just under a year they had the time of their lives, backpacking from country to country in Europe before setting off to explore Asia then returning back home to the States to complete the less challenging tasks on Chanyeol’s precious list. Chanyeol let all his worries go for the entire time they were abroad and threw himself into everything they did, even when he struggled to get out of bed some days. Having Jongin there with him made things so much better, as he was always there for him and he made the experience much more worthwhile. His face hurt from all the smiling and laughing they did, what seemed to be the first time he’d smiled in months. No matter how much pain he was in, nothing could affect what Chanyeol calls the best days of his life.
Coming back home to constant monitoring from the hospital was a let-down, even with Jongin by his side all the time. But he did still have the rest of his list to look forward to doing. Jongin accompanied him to New York for a weekend to see a broadway show and to go all the way to the top of the Empire State building. He followed him to Ohio, though mostly against his better judgement, to go ghost hunting in all the abandoned buildings, clinging to Chanyeol whenever they heard the smallest noise. Jongin kept him sane in the madness of chemo appointments and group therapy sessions, and Chanyeol will always be grateful to him for that. Jongin made him feel like he had all the time in the world, and then some, to do everything he’s ever wanted to do.
But, before Chanyeol has even realised what’s happened, he’s got around just a week left to live. He and Jongin have been successful in completing nearly everything on his bucket list, only leaving out activities such as cliff diving and river rafting due to Chanyeol barely being able to walk anymore. Chanyeol often finds himself smiling absentmindedly as he thinks of all the fun they had, like getting lost in the backstreets of London, or convincing Jongin to try fried spider in Cambodia after the vendor likened the taste to chicken. He’ll never forget the look of betrayal the younger boy gave him as he bit into the snack, gagging almost immediately.
As such, there’s only one important thing left on the (now weathered) piece of paper, but neither of them are sure how they’re going in manage it in the scare time they have left together.
It’s number 100 on Chanyeol’s list. And it’s to fall in love.
Chanyeol has never really been in love before. He had a steady girlfriend for about a year, but she broke up with him when she moved back to Korea with her family. Since then, he’s never actually had chance for a relationship, between basketball practises and music lessons and school work. But he always felt like he was missing out on something, something important that he felt he’d never quite gotten to grips with. This feeling had grown when his friends began branching off into relationships, leaving him wanting to be able to look at someone else the way that they looked at their boyfriends/girlfriends. Not having that himself didn’t hurt exactly, it just left him feeling somewhat empty inside.
The feeling of emptiness only seem to worsen as his diagnosis turned terminal. The idea of dying without knowing exactly what it’s like to fall in love was just so scary to Chanyeol, yet he didn’t know how to make it happen. It didn’t help that he’d told no one, not even Jongin, about the emptiness that he felt - he was afraid that he’d be laughed at. Even now, as he sat opposite the other boy the idea of confessing all of this made him feel flustered. Deep down, Chanyeol knows that he should tell him one day, and that day should be soon because he doesn’t have long left to live, but he just can’t bring himself to say anything. It doesn’t help that recently he’s been getting these quiet, intrusive thoughts about how good looking Jongin actually is, and how perfectly kissable his lips look a lot of the time. These aren’t appropriate thoughts to have about your best friend, Chanyeol thinks, particularly when they usually invade his brain whenever Jongin touches him.
“So…” Jongin coughed awkwardly, looking up to meet his eyes. “How do we get you to fall in love in a couple of days?”
“I don’t know.” Chanyeol confessed, sighing loudly then wincing at the dull pain he felt. “Any ideas?”
“You sure you haven’t got someone you’ve been keeping a secret? It’d make things a hell of a lot easier.” Jongin chuckles lightly, fiddling with his phone charm of some anime character. Chanyeol is thankful for this, as it means he misses the guilty look that briefly flashes across his face.
“It would, but I don’t. Options?”
“None at the moment.”
Chanyeol sighed, sipping his drink. They’d met up in a coffee shop near Jongin’s house, as Chanyeol hated staying inside all day even with his condition. It’s not that good of a coffee shop - Jongin pulled a pretty disgusted expression when he sipped his espresso - but they can fit Chanyeol’s wheelchair through the door on his worst days, and it’s close by enough that he can walk there on the good ones. He looks around at the other customers absentmindedly, wondering if they’re in a similar predicament to himself, or if they’re blissfully free from it.
“We could take you out some places and see if the whole “love at first sight” thing is true.” Jongin interrupts his thoughts with his suggestions, startling Chanyeol slightly.
“Really?”
Chanyeol’s not sure if he believes in love at first sight. He knows all about it of course, from the fairy tales that Yura used to read for him when they were younger, but it all seems a bit farfetched to him. His life hasn’t exactly been a fairy tale up until this point, but isn’t it usually in a person’s most desperate moment that something magical happens? It worked for Cinderella anyway.
“Why not?” Jongin looks at him with a carefully blank expression. “It’s not as if you have anything to lose, anyway.”
“Good point.” Chanyeol sighs, giving in. “Who’d fall in love with me at first sight though? I’m 19 and I carry a damn oxygen tank.”
“If they’re put off by that then it’s not love at first sight.” Jongin nods wisely, gagging on the sip he takes of his coffee. “We’ll go try the park first, it’s close and we can walk the triplets at the same time!”
Chanyeol snorts at that. “You and your dogs.”
“Don’t act as if you hate them.” Jongin warns him, standing to help him out of his seat.
“Whatever.”
They end up having to stop off at Chanyeol’s house to collect his wheelchair, Jongin insisting that he should use it despite Chanyeol’s protests that it’d probably scare anyone with potential away. Monggu nearly explodes with excitement when he sees them, immediately jumping up to settle himself on Chanyeol’s lap. Chanyeol waves off Jongin’s apologies, scratching the excited bundle of brown fur behind his ears. Jjanggu and Jjangah settle by his feet as Jongin searches for their leashes, smiling fondly when he notices what’s happening.
“They’re gonna miss you.” He remarks.
“I know,” Chanyeol replies. “They love me more than their poor single mother.” He snorts as Jongin shoots him a threatening glare.
“That’s a lie and you know it, they adore me.”
“That’s what you think.” Chanyeol winks at him.
“Shut up and let’s go.”
The park is pretty empty when they arrive, save for an old man walking a dog that looks eerily similar to himself and a couple of kids kicking a ball around. Jongin settles himself on a bench, setting the dogs free to run around whilst Chanyeol parks his wheelchair next to his friend. He feels pretty exhausted already but he sits up, tugging his coat tighter around himself to keep out the bitter breeze. Jongin sorts through a pack of cards he always carries around with him, dealing them out to the two of them to act as a distraction as they wait to see if anything happens. Chanyeol tries to concentrate on the game but he keeps pausing to look around, eager to see if he can spot anyone with potential. Jongin simply shakes his head, calling him more of a puppy than the dogs.
To Chanyeol’s disappointment, nothing noteworthy happens during in their stay at the park. He insists on staying there as long as possible, even stubbornly sitting through a sudden thunderstorm. Jongin panics slightly, trying to convince him that they should really go home for Chanyeol’s benefit, but he doesn’t succeed. Admitting defeat, he at least drapes his jacket around Chanyeol’s shoulders and insist he put on his gloves, for fear that it’ll make his condition even worse. Chanyeol sighs and gives in, mumbling that Jongin’s too similar to his mother for his liking. He can’t help but be disappointed on the way home, letting Jongin’s reassurances of how they still have time wash over him like the rain. He goes straight to bed when he arrives, taking his medication then falling asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow.
Chanyeol’s dreams that night are full of shadows, shadows that draw close but never quite close enough to him. Attracted to them and their whispered promises, he tries to move closer, but he’s held back by his wheelchair and oxygen tank. He tries his hardest to reach out to him, but the shadows draw away as the space they’re in begins to fade away to black. Chanyeol cries out in desperation, pain suddenly flaring up in his lungs as a loud beeping noise fills his ears. He knows immediately what the sound is, he knows from spending so much of his recent time on a hospital ward somewhere. It’s the sound of a heart rate monitor, and whoever it belongs to is isn’t alive anymore.
He doesn’t mention the dream to Jongin the next day, not wanting to dampen the mood. Jongin’s oddly optimistic, telling him that he read online that one of the best places to meet your future lover is the mall. Chanyeol doesn’t see what’s so romantic about an unpleasant smelling taco stand and a Hot Topic store, but he decides to take Jongin’s word for it and lets him guide his wheelchair onto the bus. Jongin entertains them during the journey with his phone, giving Chanyeol one of the earbuds to listen with and showing him stupid videos on Youtube. He struggles to find much funny these days, the constant presence of his illness ruining anything fun, but he laughs along with Jongin to make everything better, even if only for a little while.
The mall immediately looks more promising than the park, full of people around their own age. But they all turn to look at Chanyeol in his wheelchair with his oxygen tank, and he avoids meeting their eyes in case he finds them filled with disgust. Jongin notices and steers him towards a quieter area, crouching down next to him and grabbing hold of his hands.
“Hey.” He starts, looking up at him. “Don’t let them bother you. You’re still Chanyeol despite all of this - you’re a good person. Hell I’d fall for you at first sight if I could, and I can say that, I’ve known it’s true for ten years.”
Chanyeol blushes at Jongin’s words and looks away, muttering something about how no one will like him if he looks like what he does. Jongin simply tells him that that’s their problem, and begins pushing him towards the elevators to take them up to the food court. Chanyeol lost his appetite for food long ago, but he entertains Jongin’s idea and buys himself a burger and fries, though he barely eats any of it. He’s still playing around with his ketchup by the time Jongin’s finished his entire meal, and he happily surrenders his burger to him. Besides, eating would only distract him from looking for anyone he could potentially fall for, even if he can’t imagine a fairy godmother appearing to bless him in a food court. They sit there for close to an hour, pointing out anyone they find attractive and making comments to each other about them. It’s nice, but no one that Chanyeol looks at stands out to him, so he knows he won’t get anywhere anytime soon. He’s sitting right next to Jongin, the younger boy having lifted him out of his wheelchair so that he could sit at the table with him, and he’s warm and Chanyeol gets a weird feeling in what feels like his gut whenever their fingers brush. He reasons with himself, saying he probably has something like indigestion due to the fries not agreeing with his medication. He almost believes it.
Jongin takes him around a few shops afterwards, killing time before their bus home arrives. Chanyeol looks at the people more than the items on offer, a blonde girl catching his eye when she doesn’t look at him like he’s some sort of circus freak, but she disappears into the crowd faster than his eyes can follow her. He sags into his wheelchair, sighing in disappointment. He opts to stay outside when Jongin ducks into a store, mumbling something about new laces for his dancing shoes. Chanyeol fiddles with a loose thread on his coat, biting at his lip, when he feels compelled to look up suddenly. He does so, and looks into the eyes of his ex-girlfriend, who’s stood outside a store on the stretch opposite him. She’s staring directly at him, and her eyes are full of what Chanyeol recognises as pity, as he knows it well. Chanyeol looks away immediately, turning his wheelchair around to try and find Jongin in the store he disappeared into. He hates it when people pity him.
Jongin hands him a bag when he manages to find him. Chanyeol raises his eyebrows, taking it and pulling a striped scarf out of it. It’s the softest scarf he’s ever felt, and he blinks up at Jongin in confusion as he runs his fingers through the fringes of it.
“What’s this for?”
“You, dumbass.” Jongin replies, grabbing hold of the wheelchair handles. “You never bought one to replace the one that you never got around to mending, and since it’s getting cold I thought I might as well get it.”
Chanyeol feels an inexplicable warmth suddenly flare up inside of him, said warmth rising all the way to his cheeks. Jongin always looks out for him, especially recently, but he never expects him to treat him to something like this - he knows he doesn’t have that much money. He has half a mind to demand he takes it back or at least keeps it for himself, but he knows that Jongin will have chosen it especially for him, so he winds it around his neck gratefully. It’s warm and soft, and it stops the breeze from biting at his neck whilst they wait for the bus. He hangs it up carefully with his coat when he gets home, taking Jongin through to his room so they can play video games before his mom comes home. Chanyeol likes it when they can do this, it reminds him of how things used to be before it all fell apart. If he bugs him enough, Jongin will even play Chanyeol’s old guitar for him, though he always refuses when Chanyeol tries to give it to him so that it might be played like it used to be.
“It’s yours, you could end up playing it again one day.” Jongin always insists.
Jongin makes something to eat to tide Chanyeol over until his mom arrives, making sure he at least eats part of it before he goes home. The silence in the house is almost deafening when he does, so Chanyeol wheels himself back to his room to listen to music while he lies on his bed. His thoughts end up turning to the strange warmth he felt when Jongin gave him the scarf. Jongin usually makes him feel warm, but it’s a happy kind of warmth, like when Chanyeol used to walk in from school in the winter to find Yura baking something in the kitchen. But what he felt today was new, it felt hot rather than warm for the first time, and Chanyeol doesn’t quite understand how it happened but he doesn’t exactly dislike it. Jongin is one of the only things in his life that has remained constant since he can remember, and he’d like for it to stay that way as long as possible.
One thing he does know though, is that the emptiness isn’t as bad today.
It’s bitterly cold the next morning. Jongin comes to Chanyeol’s house far too early for his liking, clutching two bus tickets in his gloved hands. Chanyeol’s mother insists that Chanyeol wears more layers than he’d like to, especially after Jongin announces that they’re going down to the beach today.
“The beach? Wouldn’t that be a better idea in, I don’t know, summer?” Chanyeol remarks, finding his gloves.
“We don’t have until summer though.” Jongin solemnly replies, accepting a flask of hot tea from Chanyeol’s mother.
The bus ride to the beach takes longer than Chanyeol can remember it usually taking but, then again, he’s not been down there for well over a year. Jongin watches dance tutorials on his phone for the entire journey, one hand firmly holding onto Chanyeol’s wheelchair because the brakes aren’t what they used to be. There’s a thunderstorm outside, the wind howling in their ears and making the bus windows rattle ominously. Chanyeol feels like he’ll regret letting Jongin drag him out here, it’s a day where he’d much rather they’d be at home watching movies or something normal like that. No one, well except for them, seems crazy enough to go to a beach during a thunderstorm, and Chanyeol isn’t sure that he’d get on well with someone who does.
His suspicions are confirmed when they eventually get off of the bus. The thunderstorm has reduced to just a light drizzle by now, but the beach still remains completely empty save for a few birds hunting for scraps. Jongin looks crestfallen as he looks around, wondering how he can make this better than it looks.
“Well, it’s not s-so bad,” He begins, biting his lip. “Some people could turn up while we’re here.”
Chanyeol sighs, defeated. “They won’t Jongin, we’re the only ones mad enough to be here in this weather.”
Jongin’s shoulders sag as he apparently admits defeat too. “I- I’m sorry, I really screwed this up.”
Chanyeol feels awful. Jongin’s been nothing but a help to him for these past few days, hell this past year in fact, and all he’s done is thrown it back in his face. It’s not Jongin’s fault that they haven’t been able to find someone for Chanyeol to fall for at first sight, and the more that Chanyeol thinks about the whole idea the more he realises that it probably isn’t going to happen. He also realises that today could be the last day out with Jongin that he’ll ever have, so he should focus on his friend and not some mythological first love. Jongin is infinitely more important to him than that.
“No, I’m sorry too.” Chanyeol eventually sighs, turning around in his wheelchair so he can look Jongin in the eyes. “I’ve been so obsessed with this whole thing that I’ve been letting it ruin our time together. A-And I don’t want that Jongin, y-you’re more important to me than a-anyone else could ever hope to b-be.”
Jongin watches him with sad eyes, parking the wheelchair and coming around to face Chanyeol. He leans down and hugs the older boy to his chest, burying his face against his shoulder. Chanyeol sighs contently and wraps his arms around Jongin’s waist, leaning his head against his chest. The warmth is almost unbearably hot now, burning inside of him as they continue to hug. Tears sting Chanyeol’s eyes at the thought of never experiencing this again, never again feeling the warmth that Jongin gives him. They eventually break apart, Jongin ruffling Chanyeol’s hair fondly before steering him towards a warm looking café where they can wait for the next bus back to Chanyeol’s place. The waitress mistakes them for a couple and Jongin’s cheeks turn crimson as he stammers out their order, Chanyeol snorting at him from behind the shield of his scarf.
They end up doing what Chanyeol wants to do for the rest of the day. Jongin makes their favourite popcorn and they sit on Chanyeol’s bed, watching over the top action movies and ridiculous comedies until the sun goes down. Chanyeol’s mother insists on Jongin staying for dinner as well, letting them eat in Chanyeol’s room so the older boy doesn’t have to move too much. He looks tired and pale, more so than usual, and Jongin knows as he looks at him that things aren’t going to last. They hug for longer than usual that night when Jongin leaves, clinging to each other in the dim porch light until Yura comes out to see what’s keeping Chanyeol so long. The siblings watch as Jongin walks down through their yard, waving at him until he disappears from sight.
Chanyeol feels a sense of dread as he wheels himself back to his room, changing into his pyjamas. His arms feel heavier than usual, most likely because he’s exhausted, and his chest aches whenever he takes a breath. Sleep will come as a relief for him, but he’s not ready to sleep yet because he wants to think of Jongin and how the emptiness that he usually feels inside of him doesn’t feel so empty anymore. He wants to mull over the mysterious warmth that Jongin gives him whenever he just happens to look at him, giving him that shy smile that seems to be reserved only for Chanyeol.
To Chanyeol, Jongin is all things warm and comfortable and he feels that when he dies he’ll never be able to experience anything like that ever again. He sighs, dragging himself out of his wheelchair and into bed, resolving that the next day he’ll finally tell Jongin about the emptiness and the warmth and pray that he won’t be too weirded out by his best friend essentially confessing that he makes him feel like he’s on fire whenever he touches him. Tomorrow he muses, his heavy eyelids closing, he’ll finally tell him everything that he’s been hiding for so long.
Chanyeol falls asleep in his bed, and wakes up in a hospital room.
Jongin visits Chanyeol in hospital at the end of the week, carrying a battered bouquet of peonies he spent the last of his money on in the hospital gift shop. He’s never liked hospitals, not since his father died in one when he was just a child, and especially not after everything that’s happened to Chanyeol. But, he can’t abandon Chanyeol right now, especially after Yura sent him a text saying that things weren’t looking too promising. His mother insisted he dress up a little bit so he’s wearing his best jeans and a white button down, though he keeps tugging at the too-tight collar in annoyance. The receptionist smiles at him as she directs him to Chanyeol’s room, telling him that Yura and Chanyeol’s mother just left to go collect other relatives. Jongin thanks her and takes the shaky elevator to the right floor, his heart leaping into his throat as he draws closer and closer.
The entire floor stinks of bleach and it’s unpleasant as hell, but Jongin reasons that it’s better than whatever smell the bleach is covering. He makes his way to the end of the corridor, self-conscious of the way his shoes squeak with every step he takes. The nurse outside Chanyeol’s room nods at him as he walks past, and he nods back briefly as he takes a deep breath before pushing the door open.
The room is nearly barren, except for the hospital bed, the connecting machines and a couple of plastic chairs. Jongin grabs one and drags it next to the bed, nearly collapsing into it as he takes in the sight of his best friend lying next to him. He understands what Yura meant when he sees how pale Chanyeol is, most of the colour on him coming from the purple of his hair. Jongin reaches out and gently ruffles the strands, remembering how they’d completely wrecked the bathroom with hair dye as part of the bucket list. Chanyeol’s eyelids flutter when Jongin touches him, so he pulls away slowly as not to disturb him, letting his fingers gently brush the other boy’s cheek as he does.
Jongin can’t remember exactly when he fell in love with Chanyeol, but he knows it was a good few years ago. Part of him thinks it was all the way back in elementary, when Chanyeol got his beloved Pokémon cards back for him after one of the bullies stole them from his locker. Or it could’ve been in middle school when Chanyeol ran all the way to his house after Jongin’s older sister died suddenly in a car accident, and he spent the night holding the younger boy against his chest. Though, to be honest, when it happened doesn’t matter to Jongin, what does matter is that he loves Chanyeol deeply, and has done for years.
Like Chanyeol, he’d tried to remain optimistic when the first diagnosis happened. They’d spent hours squashed up together in Chanyeol’s computer chair, googling survival numbers and reassuring themselves and each other that a lot of people survived lung cancer - statistically Chanyeol would too. Jongin tried to be there for his friend as much as he possibly could, accompanying him to chemo sessions and helping him pick out his wheelchair when he first started using one. Despite the metaphorical black cloud that is the cancer hanging over their heads, they were as happy as they could possibly be. That is, until Chanyeol called him and told him it was terminal.
Jongin can’t fully remember what happened after Chanyeol had hung up. His mother tells him that he barricaded himself in his room for a good three days afterwards, barely showing his face except to use the bathroom. He didn’t eat, he didn’t sleep, he just cried continuously for three days. He felt selfish, and still does, because he knows he should’ve been there for Chanyeol during those three days. His heart felt like it had shattered into thousands and millions of pieces, and it still hurts to this day as he sits next to Chanyeol’s lifeless body in a hospital room. Jongin doesn’t remember life without Chanyeol, and he doesn’t want to experience life without him.
After his three day absence, he’d shown up at Chanyeol’s house to find him writing a list of all the things he wanted to do. As Jongin had read that list, he’d vowed to himself that he was going to help Chanyeol do everything possible, even if it meant he’d have to spend the money he’d saved up over the years to go to college. And so he did, not regretting a single moment of it because he was able to see Chanyeol genuinely smiling for the first time in over a year. For the first time the awful jokes and ridiculous puns returned from the grave, and Jongin revelled in it because he finally had a Chanyeol that resembled the Chanyeol who existed before the cancer. Chanyeol’s bucket list provided him with the best memories he could’ve hoped for, now whenever he would think of his friend he wouldn’t think of him wincing as a nurse injected him with some drug, no, he’d think of him beaming with excitement as they stepped off of the plane into Rome’s airport, or when they held hands as they watched all of London pan out in front of them as they rode the Millennium Wheel. Chanyeol is so very precious to Jongin, a smiling and happy Chanyeol especially so.
Learning that Chanyeol wanted to fall in love before he died hurt Jongin more than it should have, he’d hoped that somewhere along the line Chanyeol would fall for him as fast as he fell for him, but that wasn’t the case it seemed. Despite this pain, Jongin tried his best to help Chanyeol fulfil his last wish, desperate to see him smile genuinely once more in the limited time they had together. He tried everything he could think of, bringing Chanyeol to the park, the mall and even all the way down to the beach, but nothing had worked and Jongin felt himself grasping at straws. He cried bitterly when Chanyeol was admitted to hospital the day after they’d been to the beach, blaming himself for putting Chanyeol’s already suffering body through so much stress. He’d come here today to make amends and, though time was running out fast, he still had the chance to do something worthwhile.
Chanyeol stirs suddenly and Jongin nearly jumps out of his skin, brushing away tears he didn’t know he was crying. He takes hold of Chanyeol’s hand, squeezing it carefully because of the wires attached to his friend’s body. Chanyeol groans softly and opens his eyes, turning his head towards Jongin as he blinks dazedly. Jongin manages a watery smile, trying to reassure his friend despite the rising feeling of panic inside of him.
“Hey there.” He murmurs, squeezing the other boy’s hand once more. “Sorry if I woke you.”
Chanyeol blinks at him a few times, most likely trying to focus, before shaking his head weakly. The movement hurts Jongin more than it should, because weak isn’t a word that should be associated with Chanyeol yet it’s the only fitting one right now. The machines connected to his friend continue beeping, the sound muted yet overwhelming at the same time. It’s a terrifying sound but it reassures Jongin that Chanyeol is still here with him, and that he’s not imagining his friend staring back at him right now. He keeps holding his hand tightly, using his thumb to draw what he hopes is soothing circles on the skin. Chanyeol’s brow furrows in concentration as he tries to squeeze Jongin’s hand in return, but all he manages to do is make Jongin’s eyes fill with tears.
“Don’t.” He chokes out, his voice hoarse from the unshed tears, “Just d-don’t.”
Chanyeol’s eyes are glazed over, and his eyelids are heavy whenever he blinks. Jongin knows that time is dwindling now, and he refuses to let his feelings go unknown, so he takes a deep breath and looks Chanyeol right in the eyes.
“I have s-something to t-tell you.” He stammers out, hands shaking as he speaks.
Chanyeol manages a tiny nod in reply, and Jongin takes it as an invitation to go ahead.
“I-I’ve never had the b-balls to tell you this b-before, but it needs t-to be said.” He begins, turning away to wipe away a stray tear that escapes down his cheek, “C-Chanyeol, I love y-you. I have done for years n-now, I-I’m- I’m so sorry I didn’t tell y-you.”
The noise of the machines is deafening to Jongin in the moments that follow his confession. Chanyeol’s brow stays furrowed as he processes what Jongin said, and Jongin looks down at the floor in shame. A tiny tug to his hand makes him look up immediately, and he moves willingly towards the bed as not to let his friend strain himself too much.
Chanyeol keeps tugging at him until he’s close enough and then, with obviously painful movements, slowly wraps his arms around Jongin’s neck and pulls him down. Jongin finally lets himself sob as his forehead rests on the pillow next to Chanyeol’s head, wrapping his arms carefully around the older boy’s waist. He cries into the pillow until he has no tears left, the occasional sniffing sound from next to him letting him know that Chanyeol’s crying along with him. Everything hurts, but his heart especially so, because deep down he knows that this is goodbye and he’s not ready for that yet. A small snapping sound catches his attention, and he lifts his head to see Chanyeol pulling his oxygen mask aside.
“D-Don’t!” Jongin gasps, trying to make the other boy put the mask back on, but Chanyeol holds it out of reach. “Chanyeol!”
Chanyeol smiles at him, a weak smile but a genuine one. It takes Jongin’s breath away to see it, so much so that he almost misses what Chanyeol whispers in his ear.
“T-Thank you,” Chanyeol rasps, tugging Jongin’s head closer slowly, “I-I love you t-too.”
Jongin lets out a dry sob as Chanyeol tugs his head down, their lips meeting in a kiss that Jongin’s dreamed of for years. But this is not Jongin’s dream kiss, it’s far from it - Jongin’s dream kiss is the both of them alive and happy together until the end of their days. No, this is a goodbye kiss, and Chanyeol knows it too from the way that he’s clutching onto Jongin like a lifeline. Jongin kisses him back the best he can, the tears falling from his eyes making it hard to see. He pulls away when he feels Chanyeol start shuddering from lack of air, and he tenderly presses his lips to his best friend’s forehead.
“I-I love you s-so much,” He whispers, feeling Chanyeol’s grasp on him weakening slowly. “I wish w-we could have more time.”
Chanyeol moves one of his hands to slowly caress his cheek, Jongin watching him with desperate eyes. He’s still smiling in that beautiful way, and Jongin leans down to kiss him gently one more time.
The heart rate monitor goes dead just after he pulls away.