Coincidences [Part 1]
Chapter: 1/3
Pairings: HoMin
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, Angst
Summary:
There are some memories you won't talk about, some things you won't be, some feelings you can't have. There's what your life is going to be. And there's the moment when Chance decides to thwart Fate, and Changmin finds himself facing choices he thought had been taken from him.
April, 30th.
Some things about life are immutable, Changmin learnt as he grew up, and passing time is one of them. Probably the most discouraging one, burying names and glories, thwarting men’s hopes of forever with an inert accumulation of those grains of sand we call ‘seconds’.
Not that Changmin has many aspirations. He doesn’t exactly dream of glory either. Actually, if someone one offered him ‘forever’, he’d probably throw it out the window and feel sorry for the poor guy who’d stumble on it.
It’s not the idea that everything must end at some point that scares him. Changmin simply doesn’t like the fact that times passes, and that he can’t do anything about it.
It’s not some kind of deep philosophical thinking, no.
Just try telling a clock to stop.
Take Changmin’s computer, and the small figures at the bottom of the screen. See how they seem to be speeding up just because today, he’d give anything to make time slow down. He spent the entire day staring and glaring at them, or so it seems. And whenever he miraculously manages to focus on something else, they purposefully leap forward while he isn’t looking, and the ‘five minutes’ in his head suddenly turn out to be fifteen.
14:57.
He bites on his lower lip, inwardly updating the countdown that has been droning on inside his head ever since the day before. Nine hours more till May, 1st. And three minutes.
Two.
Changmin’s eyes narrow. He feels cheated. That wasn’t sixty seconds, he could swear it, and he unconsciously started counting to make sure when a hand suddenly appears just an inch from his face, making him startle. He leans back on his seat and looks up, meeting Kim Junsu’s questioning eyes.
“Out of it again?”
He nods, lips pressed tight together. It’s the fourth time someone points it out to him, and Changmin knows he’d better concentrate soon if he doesn’t want the whole office to notice. He doesn’t need gossiping on top of it all.
“He passed by and stopped to watch you”, Kim Junsu leans closer, his voice barely above a whisper, “a long time.” He throws a knowing look in the direction of their manager, on the other side of the room.
Changmin sighs, repressing the urge to take his stuff and just leave. He’s in for a good scolding. The manager already came to talk to him during lunch, after he sent the wrong e-mail to the wrong people for the third time. And talked for fifteen minutes with a certain Mr. Hwang before realizing the name on his interlocutor’s visiting card was Kwon. And messed with the printer when he tried to change the ink cartridges.
And it’d have been worse, if it wasn’t for Kim Junsu’s discreet but helpful interventions.
“Are you sure everything is fine…?”
Changmin looks up, obliging himself to smile when he sees the other’s hesitant expression.
“Yeah”, he answers, “it’s fine.”
He knows that Kim Junsu would listen if he felt like talking. He knows that the guy is nice, friendly, and that he might even be a little worried about him. But Changmin doesn’t want questions. He doesn’t need solicitude either, and his tone probably made it clear, because his coworker is already walking away after a small, ‘I get it’ nod.
He should’ve been nicer, probably, but today Changmin has more pressing matters on his mind than unwanted concern.
He glances at his computer, and grimaces.
15:04.
Eight hours something, now.
It always starts that way, with distraction, carelessness and irritability. Always.
Times passes by and Changmin finds himself facing May 1st every year, and every year, he sees it approach with unchanged dread. He stopped trying to rationalize it. May; thirty one days standing in the way like they did last year and the years before that, and all the ones to come too. Endless weeks, hours and seconds, suddenly going agonizingly slow after they rushed forward the past months.
It always starts that way, and Changmin has no choice but to try and act normal, while apprehension is already here. Real. Invading. Less than nine hours left, and he couldn’t care less about the manager’s reprimands or Kim Junsu’s half-worried, half-perplexed looks in his direction. He doesn’t even know why he came to work today, completely unable to focus; he might as well have called in sick.
He doesn’t want to go home, and count the last hours alone.
15:11.
Changmin swallows the lump in his throat, and looks down at the papers in front of him without grasping a word of it. He can feel a headache coming. Every year, it’s the same. Every single damn year.
Changmin hates passing time.
May, 1st.
00:01.
Changmin is staring at the numbers on his alarm clock, a sick sensation of resignation now pervading his whole being. He’s sitting on his bed, still in his day clothes. The mere idea of finding sleep that night is plain ridiculous. It’ll be insomnia, and long long long hours spent trying not to think.
He sighs, rubbing his face with shaky hands, and finding a semblance of comfort in the darkness reigning behind his closed eyelids. No colors. No sounds. Nothing. And loneliness suddenly submerges him, suffocating, twining tightly around his heart and making it hard to breathe. It doesn’t make it any easier to know that it was the best choice. There’s nothing comforting about a decision that he was forced to take, and that doesn’t even lessen piled up guilt, not in the least.
Before he can stop himself, Changmin starts praying to whoever might listen.
Not this year.
Please.
Just once… just that one time, let it be alright. And if it has to happen, he adds desperately, make it about him and no one else. Just him, and maybe it’ll be bearable.
Changmin dreads passing time.
May, 11th.
Sooyeon can’t say that she didn’t expect it. She already knew that it was useless hoping for an improvement, but as always, she couldn’t help but think that maybe, this year… She sighs, leaning forward to study her brother’s face more closely while Changmin averts his eyes, uneasy with the extra attention.
“You look awful…”, she comments flatly after five seconds, not bothering to be tactful about it.
She tried already, without much success. Resorting to more energetic methods usually gives slightly better results. Meaning that Changmin gets angry at her, and she’d rather see him pissed than wandering around in that apathetic, depressed state he invariably falls into at that time of the year.
For now he settles with a glare, the ‘as if I didn’t know that already’ kind. She smiles pleasantly in answer, rewarded by the hint of amusement that briefly crosses his face.
“Seriously oppa…”, she adds a second later, “just looking at you and I’m not hungry anymore.”
“What’ll you take this time?”, Changmin asks lightly, his nose buried in the menu, feigning not to have heard her.
Sooyeon scowls, ignored once more. She grabs the nearest menu, eyes quickly running over it without really paying attention. She knows it by heart, or not far from it. Aside from family gatherings or special events, Changmin and her meet once a month for lunch, and they always eat in the same restaurant. Italian. The one their mother used to bring them to as kids.
Someone comes to take their order a few minutes later, and they both chose the same pizzas as usual. They will share, her brother will take all the peppers, she’ll eat the anchovies, and the family ritual will be perpetuated. As simple as it is, she knows they both need moments like this one. They have always been close, and even as years passed, Changmin is still the one person she finds it easier to confide in. And inversely.
“So…”, she says after twenty minutes of comfortable, disjointed conversation, “how are you doing?”
She pauses, completing her own question before he can answer.
“I mean, besides the fact that you stopped eating, and sleeping, and that you’d stop breathing if you could?”
“Don’t exaggerate.”
“Really now…?”
She gives his still nearly full plate a pointed look. Changmin sighs, leaning back on his seat with his arms crossed. They both knew that was coming.
“Don’t do this Sooyeon…”
“If I don’t, who will?”
Changmin doesn’t answer, averting his eyes while nibbling on his lower lip nervously.
“Did something happen?”, she asks again, much more gently this time.
She inwardly sighs in relief when her brother shakes his head, hating that she was so apprehensive herself in spite of what she keeps telling him.
“Then everything is fine”, she says with as much confidence as she can gather, “stop making that face and try being positive, for a change.”
“Easy to say.”
“Easy to do”, she retorts without missing a beat.
Changmin meets her eyes again, uncrossing his arms as he leans forward, his whole posture betraying both weariness and upset. He looks like he’s been on edge for days, which is probably the case. Sooyeon hates seeing him like this.
Eye bags the size of a continent, a constant frown on his forehead, that nearly fearful light surfacing at times in brown eyes darkened by tiredness and anxiety. It makes her worry in turn, and while she can understand why he reacts like this, she absolutely refuses to follow his line.
“But you get it, right…?”, he says in a very low voice, as if reading her thoughts. It isn’t a question so Sooyeon doesn’t answer, holding his gaze.
“You know how it feels”, he continues in the same tone, “yourself-“
“Changmin.”
Her stomach twists painfully, an acute burn abruptly piercing though her heart.
“Don’t you dare bring me into this.”
She kept her voice to a whisper but the strain in it was obvious, anger and hurt altering it deeply, a spark only waiting to be kindled. The memories are too recent, the pain is still too new, even one year later. She doesn’t know if it’ll ever fade, and as much as she loves Changmin, she won’t forgive him if he tries to appropriate himself sufferings that personal.
“I’m sorry…”, he says softly after a short silence. The apologies in his eyes look sincere enough, as well as sadness and maybe compassion.
Sooyeon bites on her lower lip and closes her eyes, tempted for a while to give in to the dormant violence she now lives with, cruel yet miserable. She nearly tells him she doesn’t need his apologies and even less his compassion, but manages to control herself in time.
“Hey…”
She startles as Changmin’s fingers gently brush against the back of her hand, opening her eyes and breathing a little more easily as she meets his gaze again. Tender and warm, in his own unsure way. That’s the older brother she loves and needs, and her heart loosens a little. Sooyeon breathes in deeply, forcibly stifling the feelings that just threatened to overcome her.
“You didn’t tell me how you were doing”, she manages to say after a long silence, purposefully changing the topic.
Changmin follows along, knowing better than to try her limits.
“The usual”, he shrugs, “work, all that.”
“Such enthusiasm.”
“They’re going to fire me.”
“No they won’t.”
“They will.”
Changmin frowns, eyes turned towards the ceiling as if deeply thinking about something.
“I’m saying, in about two weeks”, he continues, “we can bet if you want.”
“I’d rather hit you, but this is a restaurant.”
“And I’m paying.”
“True.”
They exchange a smile, all tension gone as if it was never here.
It becomes silent once more, and Sooyeon finds herself thinking again about an idea that crossed her mind earlier. It’s not exactly the kind of suggestion Changmin usually accepts, but she’s sure it’d do him some good. Besides, as she just told him, if she wasn’t here to bother about those things, no one would. And surely not Changmin himself.
“You have something in mind…”
She looks up, meeting suspicious eyes.
“I know that look”, Changmin adds, “you’re thinking about something that involves me, and I might not like it.”
May, 25th.
The party has been going on for more than seven hours now. They went through the interminable dinner, successive buffets and dishes and cakes. The speeches. The pictures. The compliments. Then came the drinks. More than half of the guests left already, invoking reasons ranging from ‘the kids at home’ to ‘work early tomorrow’. As for the remaining ones, Yunho could count on his fingers the number of people who are still sober.
To be honest, he’s starting to get a little bored and he’d gladly leave himself. He can’t however. He’s supposed to drive Yoochun home, Yoochun who happens to be his best friend and the groom’s best man, and made it a duty to be the last one to leave.
He isn’t going anywhere soon, Yunho muses, smiling to himself.
Yoochun is currently planted in the middle of the dancefloor, a glass in hand, gently rocking back and forth on his feet, and following with glazed eyes every girl that passes within a five meters radius. If Yunho leaves and comes back an hour later, he’s about sure he’ll find him still standing at the exact same place. The only difference will be the kind of drink in his glass.
That’s when he hears a familiar voice rising not far behind him. He tenses, immediately recognizing KangHee. He sounds like he’s drunk. Or rather, he sounds like he’s in the kind of state in which Yunho absolutely doesn’t want to meet him.
He looks around the hall, hastily searching for an escape, and soon spots a guy sitting alone at a table not far. Apparently as bored as him, and probably as sober, for that exact reason.
Yunho doesn’t waste time thinking about it any longer. He stands from his chair and crosses the short distance in a few strides, meeting the stranger’s eyes halfway. By the time he reaches him, the guy is frowning, visibly wondering what he’d want to do with him.
“Can I sit here?”
The other nods and Yunho grabs a chair nearby. He only stops to glance behind him, seeing with relief that KangHee is walking away, towards the opposite side of the room. Now feeling more relaxed, he sits down and turns to his new neighbor, taking the time to really look at him at last.
He’s bored and sober, right. He’s exactly Yunho’s type too.
He says only the first part aloud and the young man smiles ever so slightly, as it seems not disturbed in the least by his sudden appearance.
“Sober and bored go hand in hand. Past 3AM, I mean.”
Yunho frowns and takes his phone out to check the hour, grimacing as he reads 3:14.
“Thank God I’m not working tomorrow”, he observes, raising his head again.
The other’s attention already wavered, and his eyes are now fixed on the dancefloor. Yunho can’t be sure, but he thinks the disapproving looks he keeps darting are mostly meant for Yoochun.
“Not working either”, the young man mutters absentmindedly, “that guy is going to spill his drink all over himself.”
“That guy is my best friend”, Yunho comments, bringing a plate closer to see if there are any macaroons left, “what’s your job?”
“Then your best friend is shit drunk”, the other says lightly, glancing at him, “and I’m unemployed. Since yesterday.”
“Oh…”
”They fired me.”
Yunho looks up, a pink cupcake in hand, more intrigued by the guy’s flat tone than by the words themselves.
“I’m sorry…?”
“Don’t be. I deserved it.”
“You were supposed to rant and blame your boss”, Yunho can’t help but grin, “or at least explain me why it wasn’t your fault.”
“I messed up, they fired me”, the guy shrugs, “it’s as simple as that.”
“How philosophic. You want a…”, Yunho pauses, trying to put a name on what he’s now holding, “a mini something-tart?”
“No, thanks. But your best friend might want one.”
Yunho glances at the dance floor once more. Yoochun stopped swaying like a tipsy tree. He’s now looking back and forth between his empty hand and the glass he just dropped, visibly trying hard to link both images. KangHee chooses that moment to come back in his field of vision, and Yunho hastily turns again to the young man on his right, holding a hand out.
“I’m Yunho. Best friend of groom’s best man.”
“Changmin”, the other answers, shaking his hand briefly, “brother of a friend of one of the bride’s coworkers. Or something like that.”
They exchange a smile, breaking the ice, and the conversation goes easily from here.
The wedding, the guests and food, the music and location. Changmin says something about this dangerously sounding like girl talk. Yunho retorts that as long as they don’t approach the matter of the bride’s dress, they’re safe. It becomes about their respective sisters, childhood, friends, future and thirty minutes later, they are engaged in a passionate debate about the pros and cons of 3D in movie theaters.
They started talking with relative familiarity at that point, rather comfortable in each other’s presence. Changmin is smiling more and more, and the more he smiles, the more he becomes Yunho’s type.
“It’s a little hot here…”, the young man suddenly comments, looking around as if he just remembered where they were, “do you mind if we go outside a few minutes?”
“No problem”, Yunho nods, only checking rapidly that Yoochun is still in the area. He spots his friend now collapsed on a chair, head lowered and dangling against his chest, sleeping by fits and starts.
“He’ll be fine…?”, Changmin asks, motioning vaguely in his direction.
“He’ll wake up tomorrow and beg me not to ever let him get this drunk again.”
“…And?”
“And the next time I’ll try and tell him to be careful, he’ll say it’s not my business if he wants to waste his youth away.”
Changmin bites on his lower lip to repress a smile, only taking the time to grab the jacket draped over the back of his chair before he leads the way towards the door.
It’s not much colder outside, but the light night breeze does feel nice, when compared to the stuffy atmosphere they’ve been soaking in for hours. They stop a few meters away from the door, next to the exit of the wedding hall parking. The low pounding of music coming from the inside is still surrounding them.
It’s much less loud than before though, and as they pick up the conversation where they left it earlier, Yunho realizes it’s the first time he clearly hears the other’s voice that evening.
Assured, alternating between thoughtfulness and determination, with a hint of sarcasm here and there. Not lacking warmth either, a velvety touch coloring the words when he mentions memories he especially likes.
Yunho thinks even Changmin’s voice might be his type.
“You came alone?”, he asks out of the blue, inwardly cursing that big mouth of his when the young man stops midsentence, looking surprised.
“I told you I came with my sister”, he answers slowly, “she dragged me here, actually.”
“Oh… yeah.”
He chooses not to add anything more, not trusting himself to come up with a coherent explanation for that sudden question. Predictably, the silence that follows is a little awkward. It makes him slightly uncomfortable but Changmin doesn’t seem to mind, quickly getting absorbed in his own train of thought.
He watches as the young man buries his hands deep in his pockets, looking around a bit distractedly. Though there’s nothing worth looking at, Yunho thinks. The parking is dimly lit and nearly empty, with the exception of a small group of other guests chatting several meters away. He can’t hear what they are saying, but judging by how loudly they are laughing, they don’t belong to the sober category.
All in all a rather gloomy place, and the atmosphere is starting to really get to him when Changmin suddenly talks, making him startle.
“Do you smoke?”
“…No”, he answers after a short silence, “do you?”
“I stopped”, Changmin says with a frown, “but I was thinking, I’d give a lot for a cigarette right now.”
“Feeling stressed?”
“Something like that.”
Yunho doesn’t probe, remembering what the other said earlier about being fired the day before. He supposes it’s a good enough reason to feel a little down.
“It’ll get better soon”, he tries, inwardly wincing at how empty that just sounded.
“Yeah…”, Changmin answers, barely paying attention to him as his gaze travels around dreamily, “seven days now.”
“…What?”
Yunho frowns, trying to make sense of that answer until the other turns to look at him, his smile a little forced.
“Nothing, don’t mind me. I was thinking about… well…”
Changmin ends that sentence with a vague hand gesture, and before Yunho can think of something to say, the other changed the topic yet another time. The conversation started again for less than five minutes when the small group of people he spotted earlier comes closer, and amidst loud laughter and drunken exclamations, Yunho suddenly recognizes KangHee’s voice. Too late, unfortunately.
They came too close before he can think of a good pretext to go back inside. And Yunho doesn’t want to give the impression that he’s running away by leaving precipitately.
“Oh…! Look who’s here!!”
He grimaces, looking away only to meet Changmin’s perplexed gaze.
“My ex”, he says under his breath, seeing the other’s eyes widen and wondering if he just ruined what was starting to look like a rather promising encounter.
He doesn’t get to linger on that thought. KangHee comes to his side right at that moment, putting an arm around his shoulders and leaning against him heavily. The man reeks of alcohol and Yunho tries to shake him off, without success.
“Where’ve you been all this time Yunho-yah…??”, the words come out slurred, only confirming what he feared about the other’s state.
“Not far enough it seems”, he mutters, trying once more to get rid of the dead weight on his shoulders.
“That’s not nice”, KangHee frowns. He’s backed up by a disharmonious concert of approving groans, coming from the few among his friends who’re still able to follow the conversation.
“Leave me alone KangHee”, Yunho says sternly, this time pushing him back strongly enough for the other to let go of him, walking back a few steps, staggering on his legs.
KangHee sniffs, looking around dazedly until he finally seems to notice Changmin’s presence, eyes narrowing on him.
“Didn’t know you had someone else…”, he comments, studying the young man’s face in a way that’s anything but kind.
“It’s not like that”, Changmin intervenes before Yunho can answer, holding the man’s gaze.
“Come on… not buying that!!”, KangHee laughs, grabbing one of his friends’ arm for support, “you’re totally his type.”
Yunho sees Changmin’s face flush, and suddenly feels like burying himself alive.
“You… you’ll get bored soon, you know”, KangHee keeps talking to Changmin, now ignoring him completely. Yunho can tell he’s only too happy with what he thinks he just discovered, and the perfect opportunity it gives him to mess with him a little further.
“He… Yunho-yah… he acts all cool but in the end… BOOF…!!”
“…Boof?”, Changmin repeats politely, eyebrows raised, his expression deadly serious.
Yunho represses a sudden urge to laugh, biting on his lower lip to hide a smile.
“Boof”, KangHee nods gravely, “but I can give you… you know… advice, if you want…”
“I don’t think so”, Changmin answers in the same deadpan tone, “but that’s very nice of you. Thank you.”
KangHee smiles, obviously very pleased with himself, and throws Yunho a triumphant look. Which would’ve made him feel annoyed in other circumstances, but now somehow seems like the funniest thing ever.
“Now if you’d be kind enough to excuse us KangHee-sshi”, Changmin adds, putting a hand on his arm and tugging on it lightly, “it was really nice meeting you.”
Before any of the guys could react, the young man bowed and started dragging him away. Yunho manages to hold back laughter for ten seconds more, just the time for them to find refuge inside the hall again. He didn’t realize till now just how anxious it made him to know that KangHee would come to the wedding. It feels wonderful to finally get rid of all that tension, his heart suddenly lighter than it has been all evening.
Changmin merely waits for him to stop laughing, smiling contentedly, visibly quite happy with his performance just now.
“Seriously…”, Yunho says at last, grinning from ear to ear, “boof…?”
“Boof”, Changmin nods seriously, “I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, but you probably did something horrible.”
“Well…”
“You broke his heart?”
“It’s the contrary, actually.”
Changmin doesn’t answer at once, looking at him quizzically before understanding suddenly dawns on him.
“Is that why you came to talk me earlier?”
Yunho averts his eyes, trying without much success to take an innocent expression.
“Because you wanted to avoid meeting him?”, Changmin insists.
“Hmm…”, he mumbles noncommittally.
The other doesn’t add anything else, remaining silent long enough for Yunho to start worrying that he might feel vexed or angry. He looks back at him, instantly understanding that it isn’t the case. The young man crossed his arms, staring in a way that makes him feel slightly uncomfortable, as if the other is seeing right through him.
Then Changmin tilts his head, a somewhat mischievous smile appearing on his lips. And Yunho doesn’t know him well, far from it, but he can already tell that this is the kind of expression that means trouble for him.
“So… apparently, I’m your type…?”
All the blood instantly rushes to his face, and for the first time that evening, Changmin laughs. Not loud nor expansive, but clear, and definitely not unkind. He puts his hands back in his pockets, looking at him amusedly but without malice.
“Don’t worry, I’m taking that as a compliment.”
There’s a spark in Changmin’s eyes that wasn’t here before, like the young man suddenly allowed him to have a glimpse of who he really is inside. And that somehow makes Yunho’s heart beat a little faster.
When he finally leaves the wedding hall an hour later, with a snoring Yoochun slumped at the back of his car, Yunho decides that the evening might not have been a complete waste of his time. Smiling as he thinks about the phone in his pocket, and the number someone put in it.
June, 1st.
June 1st.
June 1st, Changmin kept telling himself with wonder ever since he woke up that morning. He could swear it’s fireworks inside his heart, making it pound with such explosive fervor. So bright. So free.
June 1st means rebirth, the sheer power of life rushing back inside after deserting him for a whole month. Everything he sees has special colors today, overwhelming happiness and relief tingeing the most commonplace details with incomparable beauty. Every sound, every feeling turned precious again, and Changmin wants to savor each second of that liberating day.
He’s meeting Yunho that afternoon.
The man called him four days ago, asking if they could meet “next week-end, on June 1st”. Just hearing him say that date, just finding it so painfully close in someone else’s mouth, and Changmin would have agreed to anything.
Yunho gave him an address, in front of a café they both know, saying he’d enjoy seeing him again. Just talk for a while. Have a drink together. No big deal. Changmin isn’t fooled, but he doesn’t mind either.
However, while there’s a spring in his step as he walks towards the café, and in spite of the luminous smile on his face, he has to admit that meeting Yunho doesn’t have much to do with it.
It could’ve been an appointment with the dentist, he’d have gone with exactly as much enthusiasm.
Though it’s also true that Changmin likes the idea of seeing Yunho again. He’ll never tell that to Sooyeon, he doesn’t want her to get ideas, but that night with him at the wedding is without doubt the only moment when he managed to really relax the past month. It was only a handful of hours, granted, but it still felt good. A breath of fresh air.
Now arriving close to their meeting point, Changmin spots Yunho’s tall silhouette from afar. He raises a hand to attract his attention, and speeds up a little to meet him in front of the café. He knows he’s grinning like a fool. He also knows that the other might misunderstand, but today, everything feels way too good for him to care about that kind of detail.
Fifteen minutes later, they found a table in a secluded part of the café and got their order. Yunho’s glass is already half-empty while Changmin hasn’t touched his own drink.
He’s blabbering like a high-school girl; he knows he is, and again, he couldn’t care less. He wouldn’t even be able to tell what exactly he’s talking about; every idea that crosses his mind is worth mentioning, every detail deserves an explanation. His heart is just so light inside his chest.
June 1st, it keeps chanting.
“You’re happy today”, Yunho suddenly says, cutting Changmin’s rambling speech about that random bestseller he started reading the other day, and how terrible it is.
He stops speaking midsentence and looks up at the other’s face. Yunho is smiling. Even his eyes are smiling, Changmin thinks, small crescents of laughter that only add to his current state of carefree euphoria.
“It’s obvious right?”
The other nods, still smiling. Changmin knows he should feel embarrassed or at least self-conscious at that point, well aware that he isn’t quite in his normal state. But trying to calm down and stifle some of the joy filling his whole being would be sacrilegious.
“I’m sorry”, he says with a grin that’s anything but apologetic, “I’m not usually like that.”
“I don’t mind”, Yunho leans back in his seat, “it’s quite infectious actually. I’ll probably spend the rest of the day smiling like stupid.”
“That’s good, you’ve got a nice smile.”
Changmin doesn’t know where that just came from, emboldened by the dizzying sensation of release clouding his mind. Maybe it was just for the selfish pleasure of seeing Yunho’s reaction. The other makes a face, feigning to feel embarrassed, though he’s clearly incredibly amused.
“Are you high on something?”
Changmin tries to scowl but ends up laughing instead, missing the way Yunho’s eyes turn fond for about one second before he schools his features into a serious expression.
“Okay let me guess…”, he starts, thinking for a minute, “you found a new job?”
“No”, Changmin shakes his head, taking a sip of his drink, “I hope soon, but no, not yet.”
“It’s your birthday?”
“No.”
“You won the jackpot at the lottery?”
“I don’t even play…”
“I’d have sworn it.”
Yunho leans forward, elbows on the table and his chin resting on his joined hands.
“Alright I give up”, he says with another smile, “what put you in such a good mood?”
Changmin shrugs and falls silent for the first time that afternoon, looking around while searching for an appropriate answer. All he knows is that his heart is full to the brim, and he can’t tell Yunho that it’s because this year, he got fired, and that’s all.
That’s all.
June 1st came at last, May is gone, and this time, the only thing he lost is a job. Changmin breathes in deeply, giving in to the temptation to bathe in that enveloping sensation of safety once again. He knows that’s exaggerating, but he still feels like the whole world decided to wrap him in kindness, and offer him that moment of grace.
“Forget it.”
He turns his head sharply, reminded abruptly of Yunho’s presence close. The other’s eyes are still serious, but the exact contrary of indifferent. Curious, intent, and warm. It’s a little unsettling and Changmin remains silent, not knowing what to answer.
“Let’s leave okay?”, the older man suddenly adds a second later, as if to shake an invisible pressure, “I feel like walking around a bit.”
Changmin agrees, feeling a little restless himself, and follows the other outside.
They spend the next two hours wandering aimlessly in the streets around. This time Yunho does most of the talking, falling silent more than once and leaving prolonged blanks in the conversation. Changmin has too many things filling his head to wonder if there’s something awkward or unusual about it. Simply, he thinks he picked the perfect person to be with on such a bright day.
It feels like Yunho understood exactly what he wanted, as he keeps bringing him to places where there are people, and sounds, and lights. The incessant drumming of busy steps and existences. Voices, colors, music, no matter how noisy or flashy.
Changmin’s heart wants to get drunk on life.
June, 26th.
“Alright, let’s do it.”
“I don’t want to Yoochun…”
“Who said I was giving you a choice?”
Yunho sighs, throwing an exasperated look in the other’s direction. Yoochun doesn’t even notice, laying on the bed with his laptop and a dozen of scattered documents, absorbed in some report he was supposed to hand two days ago. Multitasking has never been a problem as far as his friend is concerned.
“Is it really necessary?”, Yunho insists, rummaging in a M&M’s packet in search for a yellow one.
“It is”, Yoochun answers, still not looking at him, “tell me, who’ll have to bear with you rambling on about how perfect Changhee-“
“Changmin.”
“Whatever. How perfect that guy is. Who?”
“You…”, Yunho answers reluctantly, knowing where this is going.
“Who’ll you call at 3AM to freak out because you sent him a text and Perfect Guy isn’t answering?”
“You… but-”
“Who’ll be in charge of damage control when you’ll be off on ninth cloud cos Perfect Guy said ‘yes’ and-“
“He doesn’t even know how I feel”, Yunho protests, emptying the bag of chocolates on the desk nearby to make the search easier.
“And who…”, Yoochun ignores the interruption, looking at him for the first time, “who will have to pick tortured pieces of your broken heart off the floor at the end of it?”
“It’s not going to be like that”, Yunho frowns, bringing a yellow M&M’s to his mouth, “just trust me for once.”
“Right”, the other retorts, straightening up to sit on the bed cross-legged, “I trust you so much that we’re doing it right now, before you get out of control.”
“Yoochun-“
“Do you love him?”
He sighs, purposefully averting his eyes and picking a blue one this time.
“Yunho?”
“Maybe.”
“That’s a yes.”
“I said, maybe”, Yunho turns to glare at him, “I’ve known him for a month, how am I supposed to tell?? This is ridiculous.”
“And you met him three times last week.”
“Whatever.”
Yoochun remains silent a few seconds, watching him intently before pursing his lips, looking clearly displeased.
“You’re already on the defensive with this one. Doesn’t look good if you ask me.”
“Yoochun…”
“One last question.”
“Don’t-“
“Just one.”
Yunho sighs again, resigned, and turns on his seat to face the other.
“Just one then.”
“If it doesn’t end well-“
“I told you I didn’t even tell him anything”, Yunho can’t help but cut him again, “I’m not even sure he’ll be interested…”
“If he’s interested but it turns out all wrong”, Yoochun glares, wordlessly demanding silence, “chances of it breaking your heart? On a scale from one to ten?”
“How do you even come up with questions like that?”
“Just answer me.”
“…Eight?”
Yoochun stares, then shakes his head slowly, looking very much dismayed.
“Ok that’s it. I won’t let you see him again.”
“That’s-“
“KangHee was a fucking five, and you spent a whole week slumped on my couch like some kind of invertebrate thing when he broke up with you.”
Yunho frowns, not liking the way Yoochun keeps assuming things, and picked by what clearly is an attack on his manly pride.
“Why are you so sure it’ll end badly?”, he asks, grabbing his phone to check the time.
“Because you always pick the wrong guys”, Yoochun retorts, “and I know what I’m talking about.”
“Right”, Yunho answers absentmindedly, frowning as he reads 14:20, “I need to go. Thanks for the advice, I feel a lot better.”
“Where are you going?”, Yoochun asks suspiciously, making a move to stand from the bed.
It’s too late however. Yunho already reached the door and quickly puts his shoes on, grabbing his jacket before he opens the door.
“Going to meet the guy who’ll break my heart”, he says with a smile, leaving before Yoochun can protest. He knows he’ll get retaliation for that one, but he can’t bring himself to care.
It’s been only a month, and Yunho lost count already of the number of times when he saw Changmin.
They always meet for a drink, and that invariably becomes a walk, a movie, a restaurant. He can’t tell exactly what the other is thinking, but the young man is assuredly comfortable in his company or he wouldn’t agree to meet him that often. As for Yunho, he knows he’s being a little too obvious. He also suspects that Changmin doesn’t really mind, quite the contrary. At least the young man did and said nothing to discourage him, and that gives him all the confidence he needs to keep going.
It’s been only a month, and Yunho is falling fast.
Too fast, as Yoochun tried to warn him. That thing with KangHee ended six months ago and it wasn’t pretty, but the real problem is elsewhere: it wasn’t the first time, far from it. Either he’s really unlucky, or Yunho does have a tendency to pick the wrong people. But he thinks… he’s nearly sure that Changmin will be different. If only because he never met anyone like the younger man before.
They talk. They joke. They laugh. There’s nothing expectant, nothing stressful about it, and Yunho likes the insouciance and the simplicity of it all.
He doesn’t feel obliged to talk about himself, about before, about those things that make him insecure and that his previous experiences only made worse. Changmin doesn’t know who he is, that person Yunho was in the eyes of all those people he thought loved him, and it reassures him. It’s safe.
Besides, there’s reserve on Changmin’s side too. He hides it behind smiles and sarcasm, but Yunho can sense it all the same. He likes that as well. Partly because that way, he doesn’t feel guilty for not disclosing everything about his life himself.
And there are the moments when the young man seems to forget about self-control, like that first time they met after the wedding. Those moments when, without warning, masks shift and it’s whole new sides of Changmin’s personality he suddenly gets to see.
It makes Yunho feel as if he’ll never stop discovering him. He thinks that’s what he likes most about the younger man. He knows that if it becomes love, this is where it’ll start.
July, 10th.
Yunho wipes his hands on his pants for the third time in ten minutes, and Changmin averts his eyes, repressing a smile. Today, without doubt.
He feigns not to have noticed anything, carefully picking the last bits of his dessert with his fork, while watching the older man shift nervously in his seat out of the corner of his eye.
“Are you done?”, Yunho suddenly asks, visibly anxious to leave.
“I think I’d like a coffee”, Changmin says lightly, stifling the urge to laugh as the other’s expression literally crumbles.
“Oh…”
“You sound upset… something’s wrong?”, he asks as innocently as he can, unable to resist the temptation of teasing him a little.
Yunho’s eyes narrow suspiciously and he shakes his head, sitting back in his chair, seemingly resigned to let him make the lunch drag on. Changmin isn’t that mean however, and he stands up after emptying his glass.
“Alright, let’s go.”
“No coffee?”
“You’ll treat me with one later.”
The allusion isn’t lost on Yunho, and it only seems to reinforce the man’s suspicions.
“What’s that’s supposed to mean?”
Changmin mutters noncommittally, grabbing his stuff and hastily walking towards the restaurant’s main exit. Yunho catches up with him a few seconds later but doesn’t say anything, already back to turning over and over whatever thoughts are making him that nervous.
Though Changmin has a fairly good idea of what the older man has been thinking about all morning.
It makes him smile again and he glances at Yunho discreetly, unable to ignore the warm feeling that comes up inside his chest at seeing him so absorbed. He doesn’t think himself worthy of all the apprehension, but he learnt along the past weeks that this was simply who Yunho was. Sincere to a fault. Changmin wouldn’t go as far as saying that he can read in him like in an open book, but when it comes to feelings, it’s true the older man fails miserably at hiding anything.
He saw that day coming nearly from the first time they met, and recently, it only became a matter of “when”.
Changmin can’t say that what he feels for Yunho can rival with the feelings the older man seems to harbor for him. He does like him however, a lot. Now that the euphoria of the first days of June finally quieted down, he found himself really enjoying the moments they spent together. For no other reason than it was with Yunho, this time.
It’s easy, being with him.
It feels good, comfortable, and Changmin has to admit that there’s something nice about being on the receiving end of all that attention. He wouldn’t call it love, no, and that’s the very reason why he didn’t try to stop the older man. He doesn’t want to be the kind that let themselves be loved. There’s nothing wrong about what they’re doing now however. He isn’t leading Yunho on about what he really feels, and things are quite clear between them, though still implicit.
All that’s left now is to make it a reality, and it seems like Yunho finally decided to take the bull by the horns.
Which isn’t the most romantic way to put it, Changmin thinks absentmindedly.
But seeing the deep frown on the other’s face and how tensed he’s been all morning, it does seem appropriate. It nearly makes him want to spare Yunho the wait and doubts, stop in the middle of the street, and kiss him right here and now. If only for the sake of seeing the look on his face afterwards.
He plays with the idea for a while, purposefully letting their hands brush as they walk side by side. The older man’s arm is unnaturally stiff, and he startles when Changmin gets bolder and loosely intertwines their fingers. He feigns to ignore the way Yunho turns his head sharply to look at him, keeping his eyes fixed ahead and doing his best not to let his expression betray anything.
“Damn you…”, the older man mumbles, tightening his hold all of a sudden.
He starts dragging him to the side, gripping his hand firmly, and Changmin has no choice but to follow him to a quieter street. Yunho stops only when he finds a secluded spot behind what looks like a school. They are still close to the main street but the city noises reach them muffled, and there’s no one else around.
Only then does the older man release his hand, turning to face him, and Changmin can’t prevent his heart from beating faster.
“You…!”
Yunho sounds so indignant that it makes him feel guilty. Just a little. And amused too.
“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying to do!”
“I’m not trying to do anything”, Changmin mutters, “just thought you’d like some encouragement.”
The older man opens his mouth, closes it, then stares before shaking his head exasperatedly. Changmin can tell he’s trying hard not to smile.
“You’re the worse.”
“But…?”
“But what?”, Yunho frowns, searching his eyes.
“There’s a ‘but’, right?”, Changmin says gently, holding his gaze.
Yunho’s expression changes, turning softer for a split second. Then he gets nervous again and looks away with a long sigh, nibbling on his lower lip, back to thinking and overthinking. Changmin watches him for a long moment, that warm sensation lifting his heart inside his chest once again. He stays silent a few seconds more, waiting, while Yunho’s frown deepens and his eyes progressively turn troubled.
Then Changmin decides that all of this isn’t necessary.
“Yes”, he says out of the blue, making the other jump slightly.
“Yes… what?”
“You’re going to ask if I want to go out with you”, he answers, tilting his head with a smile, “and I’m saying yes.”
To his credit, Yunho doesn’t look overly surprised or embarrassed. He merely keeps silent, staring at him intently before a small smile breaks through on his face.
“Talk about killing romanticism…”, he says at last, his smile widening.
“I’m sorry.”
“I had it all prepared.”
“I’m sorry.”
“And there was plenty of nice things about you.”
“I’m really sorry then.”
The warm bubble in Changmin’s chest keeps growing, and judging by the light in Yunho’s eyes, he probably feels the same. It might not be love, it’s neither deep nor passionate, but there is indeed something special between the two of them. He doesn’t think it’s meant to last, but they’d be stupid to let go of that chance for happiness, no matter if it’s only temporary.
“I want to hear that bit about me”, Changmin takes a small step forward, “just pretend I didn’t say anything.”
Yunho gives him a weird look, one that makes him want to laugh. The older man doesn’t answer at once, then seems to take a decision, shaking his head amusedly.
“Alright…”
“I’m listening.”
“Okay. I’m saying it.”
“Okay.”
“You’re listening?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
Yunho opens his mouth, smiling way too widely for Changmin to be able to keep a straight face.
“Changmin…”
He starts laughing before Yunho can add another word. And judging by the look on his face, the older man is not far from doing the same.
“Sorry”, he forcibly stifles laughter, already a little breathless, “I’m listening.”
Yunho throws him a doubtful look, clearly not convinced. Resigned to indulge him too, apparently.
“…Changmin-“
It sounds more like a snort this time. A gargle. A whimper. Probably a bit of the three. Whatever it was, it definitely sounded funny and Yunho’s lips twitch, his eyes shining with repressed laughter.
“You’re not helping…”
“I’m sorry. You go on. Don’t mind me.”
“I’m kinda supposed to mind you a lot right now.”
“Right… true.”
Yunho keeps biting on his lower lip not to laugh, and Changmin knows it’s hopeless.
The older man opens his mouth several times, smiles succeeding each other rapidly on his face, wider and wider, and as it seems, harder and harder to suppress. And he takes a deep breath.
“Changmin.”
They both burst out laughing.
Changmin isn’t sure how but he ends up with his arms full of Yunho, clinging onto the older man and feeling him shake with laughter. Stomach cramping, eyes watering, and giggling uncontrollably like a pair of fools. Yunho jabs his side several times, complaining halfheartedly about his now ruined nice speech, and every poke has him laughing harder.
When Changmin finally manages to calm down, he has his face pressed against the other’s shoulder, his hands clutching onto his back. He’s grinning from ear to ear too, and it takes a while before he can breathe right again. Then Yunho moves a little, silent now, and he becomes aware of the older man’s arms around him. Of the closeness. The scent, and feel, and sounds. The warmth of another body surrounding his own. The other’s breathing, light brushes of air against his cheek.
Changmin closes his eyes, his heart slowly expanding inside his chest. Full and happy. He was right. It feels good to be with Yunho, and he pulls away a little, meeting the other’s eyes again. His own gaze softens as he traces the older man’s features, now familiar and nearly reassuring.
Yeah… he does like him. A lot.
And it makes him feel good to know that Yunho likes him too. It’s been a long time since he last felt that way, warm and safe, just because someone else cares. Jisoo’s name briefly crosses his mind but he ignores it, choosing to focus on Yunho’s eyes instead. The way the other is staring is only too easy to interpret, and Changmin smiles once more.
“Yes”, he says again, his voice barely above a whisper.
“What now?”, Yunho asks, the hint of a smile showing on his face.
“You want to kiss me right now”, he answers, coming even closer, “and I’m saying, yes.”
Changmin leans forward until their faces are only an inch apart. He can feel Yunho’s breaths on his lips. He can feel his own heart pounding in anticipation, a shiver running down his spine as one of the older man’s hands comes to cradle the back of his head. He closes his eyes.
It’s not love, he reminds himself before Yunho’s lips come to meet his.
It’s not love, it’s okay, Changmin tells himself as they kiss for the first time, unprepared for the rush of warmth that suddenly fills him, long forgotten feelings and sensations soaring inside his heart. It’s because it has been a long time. Just that. He’s been alone for too long, and it’s relief so intense it’s nearly painful that makes him shudder as the older man deepens the kiss.
Yunho’s lips are soft against his, and he’s holding him like he cares. Yunho’s body is tall and strong, his heart is just as warm, and if Changmin dared… if he could, he knows it’d easily envelop all of him. That’s just who Yunho is.
That’s what Changmin can’t have.
Note: I'm keeping that one short, yes I can x) It just wouldn't get out of my head... Feedback is nice and always appreciated :)
Part 2.
Pairings: HoMin
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, Angst
Summary:
There are some memories you won't talk about, some things you won't be, some feelings you can't have. There's what your life is going to be. And there's the moment when Chance decides to thwart Fate, and Changmin finds himself facing choices he thought had been taken from him.
April, 30th.
Some things about life are immutable, Changmin learnt as he grew up, and passing time is one of them. Probably the most discouraging one, burying names and glories, thwarting men’s hopes of forever with an inert accumulation of those grains of sand we call ‘seconds’.
Not that Changmin has many aspirations. He doesn’t exactly dream of glory either. Actually, if someone one offered him ‘forever’, he’d probably throw it out the window and feel sorry for the poor guy who’d stumble on it.
It’s not the idea that everything must end at some point that scares him. Changmin simply doesn’t like the fact that times passes, and that he can’t do anything about it.
It’s not some kind of deep philosophical thinking, no.
Just try telling a clock to stop.
Take Changmin’s computer, and the small figures at the bottom of the screen. See how they seem to be speeding up just because today, he’d give anything to make time slow down. He spent the entire day staring and glaring at them, or so it seems. And whenever he miraculously manages to focus on something else, they purposefully leap forward while he isn’t looking, and the ‘five minutes’ in his head suddenly turn out to be fifteen.
14:57.
He bites on his lower lip, inwardly updating the countdown that has been droning on inside his head ever since the day before. Nine hours more till May, 1st. And three minutes.
Two.
Changmin’s eyes narrow. He feels cheated. That wasn’t sixty seconds, he could swear it, and he unconsciously started counting to make sure when a hand suddenly appears just an inch from his face, making him startle. He leans back on his seat and looks up, meeting Kim Junsu’s questioning eyes.
“Out of it again?”
He nods, lips pressed tight together. It’s the fourth time someone points it out to him, and Changmin knows he’d better concentrate soon if he doesn’t want the whole office to notice. He doesn’t need gossiping on top of it all.
“He passed by and stopped to watch you”, Kim Junsu leans closer, his voice barely above a whisper, “a long time.” He throws a knowing look in the direction of their manager, on the other side of the room.
Changmin sighs, repressing the urge to take his stuff and just leave. He’s in for a good scolding. The manager already came to talk to him during lunch, after he sent the wrong e-mail to the wrong people for the third time. And talked for fifteen minutes with a certain Mr. Hwang before realizing the name on his interlocutor’s visiting card was Kwon. And messed with the printer when he tried to change the ink cartridges.
And it’d have been worse, if it wasn’t for Kim Junsu’s discreet but helpful interventions.
“Are you sure everything is fine…?”
Changmin looks up, obliging himself to smile when he sees the other’s hesitant expression.
“Yeah”, he answers, “it’s fine.”
He knows that Kim Junsu would listen if he felt like talking. He knows that the guy is nice, friendly, and that he might even be a little worried about him. But Changmin doesn’t want questions. He doesn’t need solicitude either, and his tone probably made it clear, because his coworker is already walking away after a small, ‘I get it’ nod.
He should’ve been nicer, probably, but today Changmin has more pressing matters on his mind than unwanted concern.
He glances at his computer, and grimaces.
15:04.
Eight hours something, now.
It always starts that way, with distraction, carelessness and irritability. Always.
Times passes by and Changmin finds himself facing May 1st every year, and every year, he sees it approach with unchanged dread. He stopped trying to rationalize it. May; thirty one days standing in the way like they did last year and the years before that, and all the ones to come too. Endless weeks, hours and seconds, suddenly going agonizingly slow after they rushed forward the past months.
It always starts that way, and Changmin has no choice but to try and act normal, while apprehension is already here. Real. Invading. Less than nine hours left, and he couldn’t care less about the manager’s reprimands or Kim Junsu’s half-worried, half-perplexed looks in his direction. He doesn’t even know why he came to work today, completely unable to focus; he might as well have called in sick.
He doesn’t want to go home, and count the last hours alone.
15:11.
Changmin swallows the lump in his throat, and looks down at the papers in front of him without grasping a word of it. He can feel a headache coming. Every year, it’s the same. Every single damn year.
Changmin hates passing time.
May, 1st.
00:01.
Changmin is staring at the numbers on his alarm clock, a sick sensation of resignation now pervading his whole being. He’s sitting on his bed, still in his day clothes. The mere idea of finding sleep that night is plain ridiculous. It’ll be insomnia, and long long long hours spent trying not to think.
He sighs, rubbing his face with shaky hands, and finding a semblance of comfort in the darkness reigning behind his closed eyelids. No colors. No sounds. Nothing. And loneliness suddenly submerges him, suffocating, twining tightly around his heart and making it hard to breathe. It doesn’t make it any easier to know that it was the best choice. There’s nothing comforting about a decision that he was forced to take, and that doesn’t even lessen piled up guilt, not in the least.
Before he can stop himself, Changmin starts praying to whoever might listen.
Not this year.
Please.
Just once… just that one time, let it be alright. And if it has to happen, he adds desperately, make it about him and no one else. Just him, and maybe it’ll be bearable.
Changmin dreads passing time.
May, 11th.
Sooyeon can’t say that she didn’t expect it. She already knew that it was useless hoping for an improvement, but as always, she couldn’t help but think that maybe, this year… She sighs, leaning forward to study her brother’s face more closely while Changmin averts his eyes, uneasy with the extra attention.
“You look awful…”, she comments flatly after five seconds, not bothering to be tactful about it.
She tried already, without much success. Resorting to more energetic methods usually gives slightly better results. Meaning that Changmin gets angry at her, and she’d rather see him pissed than wandering around in that apathetic, depressed state he invariably falls into at that time of the year.
For now he settles with a glare, the ‘as if I didn’t know that already’ kind. She smiles pleasantly in answer, rewarded by the hint of amusement that briefly crosses his face.
“Seriously oppa…”, she adds a second later, “just looking at you and I’m not hungry anymore.”
“What’ll you take this time?”, Changmin asks lightly, his nose buried in the menu, feigning not to have heard her.
Sooyeon scowls, ignored once more. She grabs the nearest menu, eyes quickly running over it without really paying attention. She knows it by heart, or not far from it. Aside from family gatherings or special events, Changmin and her meet once a month for lunch, and they always eat in the same restaurant. Italian. The one their mother used to bring them to as kids.
Someone comes to take their order a few minutes later, and they both chose the same pizzas as usual. They will share, her brother will take all the peppers, she’ll eat the anchovies, and the family ritual will be perpetuated. As simple as it is, she knows they both need moments like this one. They have always been close, and even as years passed, Changmin is still the one person she finds it easier to confide in. And inversely.
“So…”, she says after twenty minutes of comfortable, disjointed conversation, “how are you doing?”
She pauses, completing her own question before he can answer.
“I mean, besides the fact that you stopped eating, and sleeping, and that you’d stop breathing if you could?”
“Don’t exaggerate.”
“Really now…?”
She gives his still nearly full plate a pointed look. Changmin sighs, leaning back on his seat with his arms crossed. They both knew that was coming.
“Don’t do this Sooyeon…”
“If I don’t, who will?”
Changmin doesn’t answer, averting his eyes while nibbling on his lower lip nervously.
“Did something happen?”, she asks again, much more gently this time.
She inwardly sighs in relief when her brother shakes his head, hating that she was so apprehensive herself in spite of what she keeps telling him.
“Then everything is fine”, she says with as much confidence as she can gather, “stop making that face and try being positive, for a change.”
“Easy to say.”
“Easy to do”, she retorts without missing a beat.
Changmin meets her eyes again, uncrossing his arms as he leans forward, his whole posture betraying both weariness and upset. He looks like he’s been on edge for days, which is probably the case. Sooyeon hates seeing him like this.
Eye bags the size of a continent, a constant frown on his forehead, that nearly fearful light surfacing at times in brown eyes darkened by tiredness and anxiety. It makes her worry in turn, and while she can understand why he reacts like this, she absolutely refuses to follow his line.
“But you get it, right…?”, he says in a very low voice, as if reading her thoughts. It isn’t a question so Sooyeon doesn’t answer, holding his gaze.
“You know how it feels”, he continues in the same tone, “yourself-“
“Changmin.”
Her stomach twists painfully, an acute burn abruptly piercing though her heart.
“Don’t you dare bring me into this.”
She kept her voice to a whisper but the strain in it was obvious, anger and hurt altering it deeply, a spark only waiting to be kindled. The memories are too recent, the pain is still too new, even one year later. She doesn’t know if it’ll ever fade, and as much as she loves Changmin, she won’t forgive him if he tries to appropriate himself sufferings that personal.
“I’m sorry…”, he says softly after a short silence. The apologies in his eyes look sincere enough, as well as sadness and maybe compassion.
Sooyeon bites on her lower lip and closes her eyes, tempted for a while to give in to the dormant violence she now lives with, cruel yet miserable. She nearly tells him she doesn’t need his apologies and even less his compassion, but manages to control herself in time.
“Hey…”
She startles as Changmin’s fingers gently brush against the back of her hand, opening her eyes and breathing a little more easily as she meets his gaze again. Tender and warm, in his own unsure way. That’s the older brother she loves and needs, and her heart loosens a little. Sooyeon breathes in deeply, forcibly stifling the feelings that just threatened to overcome her.
“You didn’t tell me how you were doing”, she manages to say after a long silence, purposefully changing the topic.
Changmin follows along, knowing better than to try her limits.
“The usual”, he shrugs, “work, all that.”
“Such enthusiasm.”
“They’re going to fire me.”
“No they won’t.”
“They will.”
Changmin frowns, eyes turned towards the ceiling as if deeply thinking about something.
“I’m saying, in about two weeks”, he continues, “we can bet if you want.”
“I’d rather hit you, but this is a restaurant.”
“And I’m paying.”
“True.”
They exchange a smile, all tension gone as if it was never here.
It becomes silent once more, and Sooyeon finds herself thinking again about an idea that crossed her mind earlier. It’s not exactly the kind of suggestion Changmin usually accepts, but she’s sure it’d do him some good. Besides, as she just told him, if she wasn’t here to bother about those things, no one would. And surely not Changmin himself.
“You have something in mind…”
She looks up, meeting suspicious eyes.
“I know that look”, Changmin adds, “you’re thinking about something that involves me, and I might not like it.”
May, 25th.
The party has been going on for more than seven hours now. They went through the interminable dinner, successive buffets and dishes and cakes. The speeches. The pictures. The compliments. Then came the drinks. More than half of the guests left already, invoking reasons ranging from ‘the kids at home’ to ‘work early tomorrow’. As for the remaining ones, Yunho could count on his fingers the number of people who are still sober.
To be honest, he’s starting to get a little bored and he’d gladly leave himself. He can’t however. He’s supposed to drive Yoochun home, Yoochun who happens to be his best friend and the groom’s best man, and made it a duty to be the last one to leave.
He isn’t going anywhere soon, Yunho muses, smiling to himself.
Yoochun is currently planted in the middle of the dancefloor, a glass in hand, gently rocking back and forth on his feet, and following with glazed eyes every girl that passes within a five meters radius. If Yunho leaves and comes back an hour later, he’s about sure he’ll find him still standing at the exact same place. The only difference will be the kind of drink in his glass.
That’s when he hears a familiar voice rising not far behind him. He tenses, immediately recognizing KangHee. He sounds like he’s drunk. Or rather, he sounds like he’s in the kind of state in which Yunho absolutely doesn’t want to meet him.
He looks around the hall, hastily searching for an escape, and soon spots a guy sitting alone at a table not far. Apparently as bored as him, and probably as sober, for that exact reason.
Yunho doesn’t waste time thinking about it any longer. He stands from his chair and crosses the short distance in a few strides, meeting the stranger’s eyes halfway. By the time he reaches him, the guy is frowning, visibly wondering what he’d want to do with him.
“Can I sit here?”
The other nods and Yunho grabs a chair nearby. He only stops to glance behind him, seeing with relief that KangHee is walking away, towards the opposite side of the room. Now feeling more relaxed, he sits down and turns to his new neighbor, taking the time to really look at him at last.
He’s bored and sober, right. He’s exactly Yunho’s type too.
He says only the first part aloud and the young man smiles ever so slightly, as it seems not disturbed in the least by his sudden appearance.
“Sober and bored go hand in hand. Past 3AM, I mean.”
Yunho frowns and takes his phone out to check the hour, grimacing as he reads 3:14.
“Thank God I’m not working tomorrow”, he observes, raising his head again.
The other’s attention already wavered, and his eyes are now fixed on the dancefloor. Yunho can’t be sure, but he thinks the disapproving looks he keeps darting are mostly meant for Yoochun.
“Not working either”, the young man mutters absentmindedly, “that guy is going to spill his drink all over himself.”
“That guy is my best friend”, Yunho comments, bringing a plate closer to see if there are any macaroons left, “what’s your job?”
“Then your best friend is shit drunk”, the other says lightly, glancing at him, “and I’m unemployed. Since yesterday.”
“Oh…”
”They fired me.”
Yunho looks up, a pink cupcake in hand, more intrigued by the guy’s flat tone than by the words themselves.
“I’m sorry…?”
“Don’t be. I deserved it.”
“You were supposed to rant and blame your boss”, Yunho can’t help but grin, “or at least explain me why it wasn’t your fault.”
“I messed up, they fired me”, the guy shrugs, “it’s as simple as that.”
“How philosophic. You want a…”, Yunho pauses, trying to put a name on what he’s now holding, “a mini something-tart?”
“No, thanks. But your best friend might want one.”
Yunho glances at the dance floor once more. Yoochun stopped swaying like a tipsy tree. He’s now looking back and forth between his empty hand and the glass he just dropped, visibly trying hard to link both images. KangHee chooses that moment to come back in his field of vision, and Yunho hastily turns again to the young man on his right, holding a hand out.
“I’m Yunho. Best friend of groom’s best man.”
“Changmin”, the other answers, shaking his hand briefly, “brother of a friend of one of the bride’s coworkers. Or something like that.”
They exchange a smile, breaking the ice, and the conversation goes easily from here.
The wedding, the guests and food, the music and location. Changmin says something about this dangerously sounding like girl talk. Yunho retorts that as long as they don’t approach the matter of the bride’s dress, they’re safe. It becomes about their respective sisters, childhood, friends, future and thirty minutes later, they are engaged in a passionate debate about the pros and cons of 3D in movie theaters.
They started talking with relative familiarity at that point, rather comfortable in each other’s presence. Changmin is smiling more and more, and the more he smiles, the more he becomes Yunho’s type.
“It’s a little hot here…”, the young man suddenly comments, looking around as if he just remembered where they were, “do you mind if we go outside a few minutes?”
“No problem”, Yunho nods, only checking rapidly that Yoochun is still in the area. He spots his friend now collapsed on a chair, head lowered and dangling against his chest, sleeping by fits and starts.
“He’ll be fine…?”, Changmin asks, motioning vaguely in his direction.
“He’ll wake up tomorrow and beg me not to ever let him get this drunk again.”
“…And?”
“And the next time I’ll try and tell him to be careful, he’ll say it’s not my business if he wants to waste his youth away.”
Changmin bites on his lower lip to repress a smile, only taking the time to grab the jacket draped over the back of his chair before he leads the way towards the door.
It’s not much colder outside, but the light night breeze does feel nice, when compared to the stuffy atmosphere they’ve been soaking in for hours. They stop a few meters away from the door, next to the exit of the wedding hall parking. The low pounding of music coming from the inside is still surrounding them.
It’s much less loud than before though, and as they pick up the conversation where they left it earlier, Yunho realizes it’s the first time he clearly hears the other’s voice that evening.
Assured, alternating between thoughtfulness and determination, with a hint of sarcasm here and there. Not lacking warmth either, a velvety touch coloring the words when he mentions memories he especially likes.
Yunho thinks even Changmin’s voice might be his type.
“You came alone?”, he asks out of the blue, inwardly cursing that big mouth of his when the young man stops midsentence, looking surprised.
“I told you I came with my sister”, he answers slowly, “she dragged me here, actually.”
“Oh… yeah.”
He chooses not to add anything more, not trusting himself to come up with a coherent explanation for that sudden question. Predictably, the silence that follows is a little awkward. It makes him slightly uncomfortable but Changmin doesn’t seem to mind, quickly getting absorbed in his own train of thought.
He watches as the young man buries his hands deep in his pockets, looking around a bit distractedly. Though there’s nothing worth looking at, Yunho thinks. The parking is dimly lit and nearly empty, with the exception of a small group of other guests chatting several meters away. He can’t hear what they are saying, but judging by how loudly they are laughing, they don’t belong to the sober category.
All in all a rather gloomy place, and the atmosphere is starting to really get to him when Changmin suddenly talks, making him startle.
“Do you smoke?”
“…No”, he answers after a short silence, “do you?”
“I stopped”, Changmin says with a frown, “but I was thinking, I’d give a lot for a cigarette right now.”
“Feeling stressed?”
“Something like that.”
Yunho doesn’t probe, remembering what the other said earlier about being fired the day before. He supposes it’s a good enough reason to feel a little down.
“It’ll get better soon”, he tries, inwardly wincing at how empty that just sounded.
“Yeah…”, Changmin answers, barely paying attention to him as his gaze travels around dreamily, “seven days now.”
“…What?”
Yunho frowns, trying to make sense of that answer until the other turns to look at him, his smile a little forced.
“Nothing, don’t mind me. I was thinking about… well…”
Changmin ends that sentence with a vague hand gesture, and before Yunho can think of something to say, the other changed the topic yet another time. The conversation started again for less than five minutes when the small group of people he spotted earlier comes closer, and amidst loud laughter and drunken exclamations, Yunho suddenly recognizes KangHee’s voice. Too late, unfortunately.
They came too close before he can think of a good pretext to go back inside. And Yunho doesn’t want to give the impression that he’s running away by leaving precipitately.
“Oh…! Look who’s here!!”
He grimaces, looking away only to meet Changmin’s perplexed gaze.
“My ex”, he says under his breath, seeing the other’s eyes widen and wondering if he just ruined what was starting to look like a rather promising encounter.
He doesn’t get to linger on that thought. KangHee comes to his side right at that moment, putting an arm around his shoulders and leaning against him heavily. The man reeks of alcohol and Yunho tries to shake him off, without success.
“Where’ve you been all this time Yunho-yah…??”, the words come out slurred, only confirming what he feared about the other’s state.
“Not far enough it seems”, he mutters, trying once more to get rid of the dead weight on his shoulders.
“That’s not nice”, KangHee frowns. He’s backed up by a disharmonious concert of approving groans, coming from the few among his friends who’re still able to follow the conversation.
“Leave me alone KangHee”, Yunho says sternly, this time pushing him back strongly enough for the other to let go of him, walking back a few steps, staggering on his legs.
KangHee sniffs, looking around dazedly until he finally seems to notice Changmin’s presence, eyes narrowing on him.
“Didn’t know you had someone else…”, he comments, studying the young man’s face in a way that’s anything but kind.
“It’s not like that”, Changmin intervenes before Yunho can answer, holding the man’s gaze.
“Come on… not buying that!!”, KangHee laughs, grabbing one of his friends’ arm for support, “you’re totally his type.”
Yunho sees Changmin’s face flush, and suddenly feels like burying himself alive.
“You… you’ll get bored soon, you know”, KangHee keeps talking to Changmin, now ignoring him completely. Yunho can tell he’s only too happy with what he thinks he just discovered, and the perfect opportunity it gives him to mess with him a little further.
“He… Yunho-yah… he acts all cool but in the end… BOOF…!!”
“…Boof?”, Changmin repeats politely, eyebrows raised, his expression deadly serious.
Yunho represses a sudden urge to laugh, biting on his lower lip to hide a smile.
“Boof”, KangHee nods gravely, “but I can give you… you know… advice, if you want…”
“I don’t think so”, Changmin answers in the same deadpan tone, “but that’s very nice of you. Thank you.”
KangHee smiles, obviously very pleased with himself, and throws Yunho a triumphant look. Which would’ve made him feel annoyed in other circumstances, but now somehow seems like the funniest thing ever.
“Now if you’d be kind enough to excuse us KangHee-sshi”, Changmin adds, putting a hand on his arm and tugging on it lightly, “it was really nice meeting you.”
Before any of the guys could react, the young man bowed and started dragging him away. Yunho manages to hold back laughter for ten seconds more, just the time for them to find refuge inside the hall again. He didn’t realize till now just how anxious it made him to know that KangHee would come to the wedding. It feels wonderful to finally get rid of all that tension, his heart suddenly lighter than it has been all evening.
Changmin merely waits for him to stop laughing, smiling contentedly, visibly quite happy with his performance just now.
“Seriously…”, Yunho says at last, grinning from ear to ear, “boof…?”
“Boof”, Changmin nods seriously, “I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, but you probably did something horrible.”
“Well…”
“You broke his heart?”
“It’s the contrary, actually.”
Changmin doesn’t answer at once, looking at him quizzically before understanding suddenly dawns on him.
“Is that why you came to talk me earlier?”
Yunho averts his eyes, trying without much success to take an innocent expression.
“Because you wanted to avoid meeting him?”, Changmin insists.
“Hmm…”, he mumbles noncommittally.
The other doesn’t add anything else, remaining silent long enough for Yunho to start worrying that he might feel vexed or angry. He looks back at him, instantly understanding that it isn’t the case. The young man crossed his arms, staring in a way that makes him feel slightly uncomfortable, as if the other is seeing right through him.
Then Changmin tilts his head, a somewhat mischievous smile appearing on his lips. And Yunho doesn’t know him well, far from it, but he can already tell that this is the kind of expression that means trouble for him.
“So… apparently, I’m your type…?”
All the blood instantly rushes to his face, and for the first time that evening, Changmin laughs. Not loud nor expansive, but clear, and definitely not unkind. He puts his hands back in his pockets, looking at him amusedly but without malice.
“Don’t worry, I’m taking that as a compliment.”
There’s a spark in Changmin’s eyes that wasn’t here before, like the young man suddenly allowed him to have a glimpse of who he really is inside. And that somehow makes Yunho’s heart beat a little faster.
When he finally leaves the wedding hall an hour later, with a snoring Yoochun slumped at the back of his car, Yunho decides that the evening might not have been a complete waste of his time. Smiling as he thinks about the phone in his pocket, and the number someone put in it.
June, 1st.
June 1st.
June 1st, Changmin kept telling himself with wonder ever since he woke up that morning. He could swear it’s fireworks inside his heart, making it pound with such explosive fervor. So bright. So free.
June 1st means rebirth, the sheer power of life rushing back inside after deserting him for a whole month. Everything he sees has special colors today, overwhelming happiness and relief tingeing the most commonplace details with incomparable beauty. Every sound, every feeling turned precious again, and Changmin wants to savor each second of that liberating day.
He’s meeting Yunho that afternoon.
The man called him four days ago, asking if they could meet “next week-end, on June 1st”. Just hearing him say that date, just finding it so painfully close in someone else’s mouth, and Changmin would have agreed to anything.
Yunho gave him an address, in front of a café they both know, saying he’d enjoy seeing him again. Just talk for a while. Have a drink together. No big deal. Changmin isn’t fooled, but he doesn’t mind either.
However, while there’s a spring in his step as he walks towards the café, and in spite of the luminous smile on his face, he has to admit that meeting Yunho doesn’t have much to do with it.
It could’ve been an appointment with the dentist, he’d have gone with exactly as much enthusiasm.
Though it’s also true that Changmin likes the idea of seeing Yunho again. He’ll never tell that to Sooyeon, he doesn’t want her to get ideas, but that night with him at the wedding is without doubt the only moment when he managed to really relax the past month. It was only a handful of hours, granted, but it still felt good. A breath of fresh air.
Now arriving close to their meeting point, Changmin spots Yunho’s tall silhouette from afar. He raises a hand to attract his attention, and speeds up a little to meet him in front of the café. He knows he’s grinning like a fool. He also knows that the other might misunderstand, but today, everything feels way too good for him to care about that kind of detail.
Fifteen minutes later, they found a table in a secluded part of the café and got their order. Yunho’s glass is already half-empty while Changmin hasn’t touched his own drink.
He’s blabbering like a high-school girl; he knows he is, and again, he couldn’t care less. He wouldn’t even be able to tell what exactly he’s talking about; every idea that crosses his mind is worth mentioning, every detail deserves an explanation. His heart is just so light inside his chest.
June 1st, it keeps chanting.
“You’re happy today”, Yunho suddenly says, cutting Changmin’s rambling speech about that random bestseller he started reading the other day, and how terrible it is.
He stops speaking midsentence and looks up at the other’s face. Yunho is smiling. Even his eyes are smiling, Changmin thinks, small crescents of laughter that only add to his current state of carefree euphoria.
“It’s obvious right?”
The other nods, still smiling. Changmin knows he should feel embarrassed or at least self-conscious at that point, well aware that he isn’t quite in his normal state. But trying to calm down and stifle some of the joy filling his whole being would be sacrilegious.
“I’m sorry”, he says with a grin that’s anything but apologetic, “I’m not usually like that.”
“I don’t mind”, Yunho leans back in his seat, “it’s quite infectious actually. I’ll probably spend the rest of the day smiling like stupid.”
“That’s good, you’ve got a nice smile.”
Changmin doesn’t know where that just came from, emboldened by the dizzying sensation of release clouding his mind. Maybe it was just for the selfish pleasure of seeing Yunho’s reaction. The other makes a face, feigning to feel embarrassed, though he’s clearly incredibly amused.
“Are you high on something?”
Changmin tries to scowl but ends up laughing instead, missing the way Yunho’s eyes turn fond for about one second before he schools his features into a serious expression.
“Okay let me guess…”, he starts, thinking for a minute, “you found a new job?”
“No”, Changmin shakes his head, taking a sip of his drink, “I hope soon, but no, not yet.”
“It’s your birthday?”
“No.”
“You won the jackpot at the lottery?”
“I don’t even play…”
“I’d have sworn it.”
Yunho leans forward, elbows on the table and his chin resting on his joined hands.
“Alright I give up”, he says with another smile, “what put you in such a good mood?”
Changmin shrugs and falls silent for the first time that afternoon, looking around while searching for an appropriate answer. All he knows is that his heart is full to the brim, and he can’t tell Yunho that it’s because this year, he got fired, and that’s all.
That’s all.
June 1st came at last, May is gone, and this time, the only thing he lost is a job. Changmin breathes in deeply, giving in to the temptation to bathe in that enveloping sensation of safety once again. He knows that’s exaggerating, but he still feels like the whole world decided to wrap him in kindness, and offer him that moment of grace.
“Forget it.”
He turns his head sharply, reminded abruptly of Yunho’s presence close. The other’s eyes are still serious, but the exact contrary of indifferent. Curious, intent, and warm. It’s a little unsettling and Changmin remains silent, not knowing what to answer.
“Let’s leave okay?”, the older man suddenly adds a second later, as if to shake an invisible pressure, “I feel like walking around a bit.”
Changmin agrees, feeling a little restless himself, and follows the other outside.
They spend the next two hours wandering aimlessly in the streets around. This time Yunho does most of the talking, falling silent more than once and leaving prolonged blanks in the conversation. Changmin has too many things filling his head to wonder if there’s something awkward or unusual about it. Simply, he thinks he picked the perfect person to be with on such a bright day.
It feels like Yunho understood exactly what he wanted, as he keeps bringing him to places where there are people, and sounds, and lights. The incessant drumming of busy steps and existences. Voices, colors, music, no matter how noisy or flashy.
Changmin’s heart wants to get drunk on life.
June, 26th.
“Alright, let’s do it.”
“I don’t want to Yoochun…”
“Who said I was giving you a choice?”
Yunho sighs, throwing an exasperated look in the other’s direction. Yoochun doesn’t even notice, laying on the bed with his laptop and a dozen of scattered documents, absorbed in some report he was supposed to hand two days ago. Multitasking has never been a problem as far as his friend is concerned.
“Is it really necessary?”, Yunho insists, rummaging in a M&M’s packet in search for a yellow one.
“It is”, Yoochun answers, still not looking at him, “tell me, who’ll have to bear with you rambling on about how perfect Changhee-“
“Changmin.”
“Whatever. How perfect that guy is. Who?”
“You…”, Yunho answers reluctantly, knowing where this is going.
“Who’ll you call at 3AM to freak out because you sent him a text and Perfect Guy isn’t answering?”
“You… but-”
“Who’ll be in charge of damage control when you’ll be off on ninth cloud cos Perfect Guy said ‘yes’ and-“
“He doesn’t even know how I feel”, Yunho protests, emptying the bag of chocolates on the desk nearby to make the search easier.
“And who…”, Yoochun ignores the interruption, looking at him for the first time, “who will have to pick tortured pieces of your broken heart off the floor at the end of it?”
“It’s not going to be like that”, Yunho frowns, bringing a yellow M&M’s to his mouth, “just trust me for once.”
“Right”, the other retorts, straightening up to sit on the bed cross-legged, “I trust you so much that we’re doing it right now, before you get out of control.”
“Yoochun-“
“Do you love him?”
He sighs, purposefully averting his eyes and picking a blue one this time.
“Yunho?”
“Maybe.”
“That’s a yes.”
“I said, maybe”, Yunho turns to glare at him, “I’ve known him for a month, how am I supposed to tell?? This is ridiculous.”
“And you met him three times last week.”
“Whatever.”
Yoochun remains silent a few seconds, watching him intently before pursing his lips, looking clearly displeased.
“You’re already on the defensive with this one. Doesn’t look good if you ask me.”
“Yoochun…”
“One last question.”
“Don’t-“
“Just one.”
Yunho sighs again, resigned, and turns on his seat to face the other.
“Just one then.”
“If it doesn’t end well-“
“I told you I didn’t even tell him anything”, Yunho can’t help but cut him again, “I’m not even sure he’ll be interested…”
“If he’s interested but it turns out all wrong”, Yoochun glares, wordlessly demanding silence, “chances of it breaking your heart? On a scale from one to ten?”
“How do you even come up with questions like that?”
“Just answer me.”
“…Eight?”
Yoochun stares, then shakes his head slowly, looking very much dismayed.
“Ok that’s it. I won’t let you see him again.”
“That’s-“
“KangHee was a fucking five, and you spent a whole week slumped on my couch like some kind of invertebrate thing when he broke up with you.”
Yunho frowns, not liking the way Yoochun keeps assuming things, and picked by what clearly is an attack on his manly pride.
“Why are you so sure it’ll end badly?”, he asks, grabbing his phone to check the time.
“Because you always pick the wrong guys”, Yoochun retorts, “and I know what I’m talking about.”
“Right”, Yunho answers absentmindedly, frowning as he reads 14:20, “I need to go. Thanks for the advice, I feel a lot better.”
“Where are you going?”, Yoochun asks suspiciously, making a move to stand from the bed.
It’s too late however. Yunho already reached the door and quickly puts his shoes on, grabbing his jacket before he opens the door.
“Going to meet the guy who’ll break my heart”, he says with a smile, leaving before Yoochun can protest. He knows he’ll get retaliation for that one, but he can’t bring himself to care.
It’s been only a month, and Yunho lost count already of the number of times when he saw Changmin.
They always meet for a drink, and that invariably becomes a walk, a movie, a restaurant. He can’t tell exactly what the other is thinking, but the young man is assuredly comfortable in his company or he wouldn’t agree to meet him that often. As for Yunho, he knows he’s being a little too obvious. He also suspects that Changmin doesn’t really mind, quite the contrary. At least the young man did and said nothing to discourage him, and that gives him all the confidence he needs to keep going.
It’s been only a month, and Yunho is falling fast.
Too fast, as Yoochun tried to warn him. That thing with KangHee ended six months ago and it wasn’t pretty, but the real problem is elsewhere: it wasn’t the first time, far from it. Either he’s really unlucky, or Yunho does have a tendency to pick the wrong people. But he thinks… he’s nearly sure that Changmin will be different. If only because he never met anyone like the younger man before.
They talk. They joke. They laugh. There’s nothing expectant, nothing stressful about it, and Yunho likes the insouciance and the simplicity of it all.
He doesn’t feel obliged to talk about himself, about before, about those things that make him insecure and that his previous experiences only made worse. Changmin doesn’t know who he is, that person Yunho was in the eyes of all those people he thought loved him, and it reassures him. It’s safe.
Besides, there’s reserve on Changmin’s side too. He hides it behind smiles and sarcasm, but Yunho can sense it all the same. He likes that as well. Partly because that way, he doesn’t feel guilty for not disclosing everything about his life himself.
And there are the moments when the young man seems to forget about self-control, like that first time they met after the wedding. Those moments when, without warning, masks shift and it’s whole new sides of Changmin’s personality he suddenly gets to see.
It makes Yunho feel as if he’ll never stop discovering him. He thinks that’s what he likes most about the younger man. He knows that if it becomes love, this is where it’ll start.
July, 10th.
Yunho wipes his hands on his pants for the third time in ten minutes, and Changmin averts his eyes, repressing a smile. Today, without doubt.
He feigns not to have noticed anything, carefully picking the last bits of his dessert with his fork, while watching the older man shift nervously in his seat out of the corner of his eye.
“Are you done?”, Yunho suddenly asks, visibly anxious to leave.
“I think I’d like a coffee”, Changmin says lightly, stifling the urge to laugh as the other’s expression literally crumbles.
“Oh…”
“You sound upset… something’s wrong?”, he asks as innocently as he can, unable to resist the temptation of teasing him a little.
Yunho’s eyes narrow suspiciously and he shakes his head, sitting back in his chair, seemingly resigned to let him make the lunch drag on. Changmin isn’t that mean however, and he stands up after emptying his glass.
“Alright, let’s go.”
“No coffee?”
“You’ll treat me with one later.”
The allusion isn’t lost on Yunho, and it only seems to reinforce the man’s suspicions.
“What’s that’s supposed to mean?”
Changmin mutters noncommittally, grabbing his stuff and hastily walking towards the restaurant’s main exit. Yunho catches up with him a few seconds later but doesn’t say anything, already back to turning over and over whatever thoughts are making him that nervous.
Though Changmin has a fairly good idea of what the older man has been thinking about all morning.
It makes him smile again and he glances at Yunho discreetly, unable to ignore the warm feeling that comes up inside his chest at seeing him so absorbed. He doesn’t think himself worthy of all the apprehension, but he learnt along the past weeks that this was simply who Yunho was. Sincere to a fault. Changmin wouldn’t go as far as saying that he can read in him like in an open book, but when it comes to feelings, it’s true the older man fails miserably at hiding anything.
He saw that day coming nearly from the first time they met, and recently, it only became a matter of “when”.
Changmin can’t say that what he feels for Yunho can rival with the feelings the older man seems to harbor for him. He does like him however, a lot. Now that the euphoria of the first days of June finally quieted down, he found himself really enjoying the moments they spent together. For no other reason than it was with Yunho, this time.
It’s easy, being with him.
It feels good, comfortable, and Changmin has to admit that there’s something nice about being on the receiving end of all that attention. He wouldn’t call it love, no, and that’s the very reason why he didn’t try to stop the older man. He doesn’t want to be the kind that let themselves be loved. There’s nothing wrong about what they’re doing now however. He isn’t leading Yunho on about what he really feels, and things are quite clear between them, though still implicit.
All that’s left now is to make it a reality, and it seems like Yunho finally decided to take the bull by the horns.
Which isn’t the most romantic way to put it, Changmin thinks absentmindedly.
But seeing the deep frown on the other’s face and how tensed he’s been all morning, it does seem appropriate. It nearly makes him want to spare Yunho the wait and doubts, stop in the middle of the street, and kiss him right here and now. If only for the sake of seeing the look on his face afterwards.
He plays with the idea for a while, purposefully letting their hands brush as they walk side by side. The older man’s arm is unnaturally stiff, and he startles when Changmin gets bolder and loosely intertwines their fingers. He feigns to ignore the way Yunho turns his head sharply to look at him, keeping his eyes fixed ahead and doing his best not to let his expression betray anything.
“Damn you…”, the older man mumbles, tightening his hold all of a sudden.
He starts dragging him to the side, gripping his hand firmly, and Changmin has no choice but to follow him to a quieter street. Yunho stops only when he finds a secluded spot behind what looks like a school. They are still close to the main street but the city noises reach them muffled, and there’s no one else around.
Only then does the older man release his hand, turning to face him, and Changmin can’t prevent his heart from beating faster.
“You…!”
Yunho sounds so indignant that it makes him feel guilty. Just a little. And amused too.
“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re trying to do!”
“I’m not trying to do anything”, Changmin mutters, “just thought you’d like some encouragement.”
The older man opens his mouth, closes it, then stares before shaking his head exasperatedly. Changmin can tell he’s trying hard not to smile.
“You’re the worse.”
“But…?”
“But what?”, Yunho frowns, searching his eyes.
“There’s a ‘but’, right?”, Changmin says gently, holding his gaze.
Yunho’s expression changes, turning softer for a split second. Then he gets nervous again and looks away with a long sigh, nibbling on his lower lip, back to thinking and overthinking. Changmin watches him for a long moment, that warm sensation lifting his heart inside his chest once again. He stays silent a few seconds more, waiting, while Yunho’s frown deepens and his eyes progressively turn troubled.
Then Changmin decides that all of this isn’t necessary.
“Yes”, he says out of the blue, making the other jump slightly.
“Yes… what?”
“You’re going to ask if I want to go out with you”, he answers, tilting his head with a smile, “and I’m saying yes.”
To his credit, Yunho doesn’t look overly surprised or embarrassed. He merely keeps silent, staring at him intently before a small smile breaks through on his face.
“Talk about killing romanticism…”, he says at last, his smile widening.
“I’m sorry.”
“I had it all prepared.”
“I’m sorry.”
“And there was plenty of nice things about you.”
“I’m really sorry then.”
The warm bubble in Changmin’s chest keeps growing, and judging by the light in Yunho’s eyes, he probably feels the same. It might not be love, it’s neither deep nor passionate, but there is indeed something special between the two of them. He doesn’t think it’s meant to last, but they’d be stupid to let go of that chance for happiness, no matter if it’s only temporary.
“I want to hear that bit about me”, Changmin takes a small step forward, “just pretend I didn’t say anything.”
Yunho gives him a weird look, one that makes him want to laugh. The older man doesn’t answer at once, then seems to take a decision, shaking his head amusedly.
“Alright…”
“I’m listening.”
“Okay. I’m saying it.”
“Okay.”
“You’re listening?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
Yunho opens his mouth, smiling way too widely for Changmin to be able to keep a straight face.
“Changmin…”
He starts laughing before Yunho can add another word. And judging by the look on his face, the older man is not far from doing the same.
“Sorry”, he forcibly stifles laughter, already a little breathless, “I’m listening.”
Yunho throws him a doubtful look, clearly not convinced. Resigned to indulge him too, apparently.
“…Changmin-“
It sounds more like a snort this time. A gargle. A whimper. Probably a bit of the three. Whatever it was, it definitely sounded funny and Yunho’s lips twitch, his eyes shining with repressed laughter.
“You’re not helping…”
“I’m sorry. You go on. Don’t mind me.”
“I’m kinda supposed to mind you a lot right now.”
“Right… true.”
Yunho keeps biting on his lower lip not to laugh, and Changmin knows it’s hopeless.
The older man opens his mouth several times, smiles succeeding each other rapidly on his face, wider and wider, and as it seems, harder and harder to suppress. And he takes a deep breath.
“Changmin.”
They both burst out laughing.
Changmin isn’t sure how but he ends up with his arms full of Yunho, clinging onto the older man and feeling him shake with laughter. Stomach cramping, eyes watering, and giggling uncontrollably like a pair of fools. Yunho jabs his side several times, complaining halfheartedly about his now ruined nice speech, and every poke has him laughing harder.
When Changmin finally manages to calm down, he has his face pressed against the other’s shoulder, his hands clutching onto his back. He’s grinning from ear to ear too, and it takes a while before he can breathe right again. Then Yunho moves a little, silent now, and he becomes aware of the older man’s arms around him. Of the closeness. The scent, and feel, and sounds. The warmth of another body surrounding his own. The other’s breathing, light brushes of air against his cheek.
Changmin closes his eyes, his heart slowly expanding inside his chest. Full and happy. He was right. It feels good to be with Yunho, and he pulls away a little, meeting the other’s eyes again. His own gaze softens as he traces the older man’s features, now familiar and nearly reassuring.
Yeah… he does like him. A lot.
And it makes him feel good to know that Yunho likes him too. It’s been a long time since he last felt that way, warm and safe, just because someone else cares. Jisoo’s name briefly crosses his mind but he ignores it, choosing to focus on Yunho’s eyes instead. The way the other is staring is only too easy to interpret, and Changmin smiles once more.
“Yes”, he says again, his voice barely above a whisper.
“What now?”, Yunho asks, the hint of a smile showing on his face.
“You want to kiss me right now”, he answers, coming even closer, “and I’m saying, yes.”
Changmin leans forward until their faces are only an inch apart. He can feel Yunho’s breaths on his lips. He can feel his own heart pounding in anticipation, a shiver running down his spine as one of the older man’s hands comes to cradle the back of his head. He closes his eyes.
It’s not love, he reminds himself before Yunho’s lips come to meet his.
It’s not love, it’s okay, Changmin tells himself as they kiss for the first time, unprepared for the rush of warmth that suddenly fills him, long forgotten feelings and sensations soaring inside his heart. It’s because it has been a long time. Just that. He’s been alone for too long, and it’s relief so intense it’s nearly painful that makes him shudder as the older man deepens the kiss.
Yunho’s lips are soft against his, and he’s holding him like he cares. Yunho’s body is tall and strong, his heart is just as warm, and if Changmin dared… if he could, he knows it’d easily envelop all of him. That’s just who Yunho is.
That’s what Changmin can’t have.
Note: I'm keeping that one short, yes I can x) It just wouldn't get out of my head... Feedback is nice and always appreciated :)
Part 2.