If You Could See What I See [Chapter 64]

[yakuso5u]

Chapter: 64/68?

Pairings: JaeMin, HoSu, JaeSu (past), YooMin bff

Rating: PG

Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama

Summary: They both gave up on love, one thinking that he doesn’t deserve it and the other unable to let go of a painful past. As Changmin and Jaejoong slowly discover in the other something they weren’t aware they needed, they don’t know yet that their growing feelings will get tangled in a web of secrets. And that it may change everything in a merciless fight between truth and power.



LXIV Let me become your shadow, the shadow of your hand, the shadow of your shadow...

The numbers have been glaring at him for what feels like hours, red lines drawing sharp angles that seem to be floating on the other side of the room.

3:23, the alarm clock on the bedside table is now displaying.

Jaejoong has been staring absentmindedly into the darkness surrounding them ever since Changmin fell asleep. His eyes often wandered off on their own initiative to linger on the younger man’s still form, a indistinct mass wrapped in white sheets and crumpled screens of blackness. Sometimes those same eyes found themselves stopping on the alarm clock and stayed fixed here… waiting for figures to change and to make night advance, one number at a time, painfully slow and indifferent. But most of the time they remained unseeing, and the only things he could distinguish were shadows within which recollections easily slipped in and out, absorbing every stray thought.

3:25

Jaejoong thinks with mixed frustration and guilt that he’d give anything for a cigarette right now, regardless of the fact that he supposedly stopped smoking. Or a drink, maybe. A drink would be good. Something to release tension and evacuate some of the pressure that kept growing the past days, even if only for a short moment.

It’s Tuesday night, or rather Wednesday morning. Three days after he finally managed to assemble snippets of facts and memories, and to find explanations but also so much more. Two days after they sneaked in Kim industries, and got the proof Changmin needed to really believe him.

More than three weeks since Yoochun left.

He hears a distant noise and instinctively turns his head to watch outside, his eyes mechanically following the lights of a car disappearing at the corner of the street. The weather is not that warm at that time of the year, but Jaejoong still opened the window and found a semblance of relief in the way fresh air came to brush against his face, taking away a little of the oppressive feelings weighing on his heart.

3:29

A small move at the periphery of his vision draws his eyes back to the bed, and he watches silently as Changmin turns around in his sleep, now laying on his side with his face turned to him.

Peaceful, in appearance…

In appearance.

They argued earlier.

Probably their worst fight ever since they met each other, far uglier than any of the meaningless quarrels they could have had before. The kind of argument when emotions take over, deform and overflow, until nothing remains except for the violence in them, unrestrained and cruel. They both said things that they never even thought but that were meant to hurt, and that were only too obviously wrong.
It started with a random conversation not long after Changmin came back from work. It rapidly became disagreement then opposition, and logically escalated into shouts and hurtful words. They should have stopped before it grew that big, but Jaejoong knows somehow that something like this would have happened sooner or later.

They were only speaking about Yoochun, and about what they should do now that they had a clearer idea of what the situation could be. Changmin wanted to call the police, Jaejoong thought it’d be useless.

He’s still convinced he’s right; after all, the only concrete evidence they have is only the ghost of a clue, one that they got illegally by hacking into Kim Industries’ computer system. Nobody will believe them, even more so if it becomes known that the two of them are together, and that the Kim Junjin they are accusing is the man who fired Jaejoong only weeks before. In others’ eyes, they’ll be a gay couple trying to damage the reputation of a respectable businessman, nothing more.
At best the police will laugh at them, at worst they’ll attract unwanted attention and bring trouble bigger than they can handle upon themselves. That’s what he said to Changmin, probably too roughly and carelessly he now acknowledges, and things turned from tensed to awful with just a few sentences that he doesn’t want to remember.

Until the younger man screamed that “you don’t care!!! You never cared about Yoochun! That’s why you’re not even trying!!”

And it hurt. More than the words themselves, there was an accusing light in Changmin’s eyes that felt totally unjustified and unfair, after everything Jaejoong did the past days to help him find out what happened to his friend. In any other situation he’d have understood easily that the younger man didn’t mean a single word of that, and ignored it. But they were arguing. And he was angry, and anxious, and hurt too.

“Fine!!”, he had shouted back, instinctively searching for what would unleash equal pain and violence, “if that’s the case I’ll let you do whatever you want!! But don’t expect me to give a damn!!”

Those words were barely out that Changmin froze, and the first tears appeared the second that followed. And Jaejoong realized at once that he had been waiting unconsciously for something like this to happen.

Because the younger man actually did a wonderful job at controlling emotions ever since they found the evidence he wanted in Kim Industries, last Sunday. Changmin carefully kept feelings in check, and thoughts under control. He went through the days at work without apparent problem and without betraying anything, in spite of Kim Junjin’s presence just a few floors above his office. They spent the evenings together, gathering whatever information they could find about events that dated back to twelve years ago, through old newspapers and online data, and what still exists of KDF's archives.
The past two days were tranquil and uneventful. Plain. So plain that he didn’t know if it felt more reassuring or unnerving.

He had had his eyes on Changmin the whole time, vaguely aware that there should have been a reaction by now, but all in all, the other behaved much like the young man Jaejoong first met: levelheaded, determined and practical. No outburst, no tears, no despair; only quietly expressed fears that were in the end nothing but normal.

Everything looked as fine as it could be, given the circumstances.

Except that it has been a little more than two weeks only since Changmin completely broke down, and those same circumstances make it impossible for him to be fine right now. Jaejoong knew it, deep down, and while he hated every single second of the argument, he felt nearly relieved when the other finally let go. Nearly, because seeing the younger man fall apart hardly got any easier, even after all that happened.

The first sob was barely out that he had Changmin in his arms, and absurd accusations and angry words were all forgotten in the blink of an eye. It’s worth nothing, what’s said out of anger and stress. It took an argument to trigger a breakdown that was going to happen, it could have been something else, and Jaejoong isn’t going to mix up priorities here. He spent the rest of the evening comforting the other as best as he could, and Changmin let him. That’s what really matters. That’s what is meaningful and true, and the two of them never doubted that.

The younger man let him care and entrusted him with everything, releasing piled up anguish in his embrace until tears dried out and tiredness took over. And as strange as it seems, Jaejoong didn’t feel that upset about it. Of course, he wishes from the bottom of his heart that Changmin wouldn’t have to go through any of this at a time when he’s already so vulnerable. Of course, he hates seeing him cry, and it’s only a small consolation to be allowed to comfort him in that kind of moments.
But if Jaejoong learnt anything the past weeks, it is that things could be much worse. That Changmin could have tried to keep him away and to deal with it all alone, like before.

3:40

He can barely make out the younger man’s features from where he’s standing now, leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the room. He doesn’t know why he’s still here, watching and listening, when that place where he now belongs is waiting for him to come back.

Because Changmin’s frame looks so alone indeed, when Jaejoong is not here to fill the empty space by his side. It looks abandoned, that body hiding under white sheets as if it’s using them as a last rampart against the outside world. It looks terribly far too, even though the younger man is only a few steps away, because the real danger is still inside and Jaejoong knows that it’s not something he’ll be able to protect him from at all times. It’s not a burden he can completely remove from the other’s heart. He can only be here, in case something happens.

3:41

Changmin went to lie down early that evening, saying that it’d get better with just a little rest, and he was indeed sleeping soundly after a few minutes only.
So Jaejoong went back to their more or less successful searches without much conviction, and quite predictably, he didn’t manage to concentrate. To be honest he didn’t even try, troubled by a nagging sensation of anxiety that came straight from their argument before. He wasn’t worried about what they screamed at each other; the words themselves were meaningless, like the anger and accusations. The fact that they argued wasn’t. Like an invisible line had just been crossed here, as it became obvious that feelings couldn’t be repressed anymore and that strengths reached a limit again.

Jaejoong’s instincts foresaw what senses didn’t allow him to understand clearly, and he was vaguely conscious that he was in reality waiting for something to happen. Half an hour later, a small noise he didn’t know he expected rose amidst silence, and he immediately went to the bedroom to check on Changmin, already certain of what he’d see here. And again, it didn’t make it any easier.

Jaejoong found him in tears, drenched in cold sweat, his breathing ragged and loud, and trying to repress violent trembles with both arms wrapped tightly around himself. Too deep in irrational fears to even let him come close at first. Nearly hysterical, struggling blindly against phantoms to get rid of the mad clutches of unreal terrors. He felt his own heart sink inside his chest because again… it was happening again, and the realization was enough to bring tears to his eyes.

Nightmares, once more, after only two small weeks of respite.

He isn’t sure of how long he stayed here, holding Changmin tight in his arms, keeping him close to his chest and whispering whatever reassurances he could think of. Murmuring words of love, speaking about feelings and telling him of hopes, like chanting spells that’d be strong enough to protect the younger man even in the wrecked darkness of his traitorous mind.
Jaejoong hasn’t left the room since then, not daring to let the other out of his sight a second time tonight. He took the full measure of the situation too.

It’s a pattern he recognizes.

One that starts with a small breakdown, then another, and another. With silences that last for just a second too long, and a flash of hesitation. With insomnia and nightmares progressively introducing exhaustion, physical and mental fatigue opening wide the door to doubts, and fears, and resignation. All rushing into that breach created by years of insecurities, undermining whatever resolve the younger man managed to build in the ridiculous span of two mere weeks. And despair will come next.
It just started, just now, with an outburst and tears, and unconscious fears infecting the other’s thoughts, clinging onto feelings and haunting him even till in his sleep. It just started but Jaejoong knows that it’s only waiting to grow, and that it won’t be easy to stop.

There’s nothing like peace in Changmin’s heart those days.

When he’s at work and staring at a computer screen, when he’s eating and laughing with Seunghyun in the cafeteria, when he’s calmly explaining him a random idea that could lead to some kind of proof. Be it a smile or a frown or a sigh. He’s doing all this with his mind and body on autopilot, while his heart is silently attempting to deal with everything else. Jaejoong knows that Changmin is trying hard, probably harder than he should, but it’s slowly becoming obvious that he simply can’t.

Corruption and murder. Suicide of a father, betrayal from a friend. Threats imposing silence, and money burying death. Fire, bribes and broken trust. Hatred and revenge. Abandon. Indifference. Fear.
And the two people Changmin loves most right here, in the middle of it all. Believing that he should be the strong one now, struggling to understand things that he was never supposed to get involved into, wanting to protect and save but wanting in vain, then guilt. Again.

Too much. Way too much.

And that doesn’t leave Jaejoong any other option than to find a way out quickly; an opening, a door, something. He already knows what it is, actually. It’s all in a name, in that ‘hyung’ who isn’t here and who left behind the kind of space that Jaejoong will never manage to fill. A space that will remain empty, waiting for the right person to come back to where they belong too, and he now understands that no one will ever replace Yoochun here.

3:51

Jaejoong thinks that he knows what he could do. The logical step that should come next. What could bring solutions, and maybe finally put them on the right path to exit a maze of past shadows that Changmin was never meant to get lost into. But he isn’t sure that it’s something he can afford to do at that point, as plain as it seems, because he’s aware of what kind of thoughts are harassing the other recently.

Ever since they started suspecting that Yoochun left in order to keep him away from trouble, it’s not abandonment Changmin fears.
Jaejoong successfully managed to erase all those twisted insecurities in the younger man’s mind, those ideas centered around the certainty that he’d be disappointed and leave, but they have already been replaced by something else. Something much more perverse and destructive, because no matter what he says or does, he won’t erase it from Changmin’s mind.

The younger man isn’t scared anymore of what Jaejoong could do or not. He’s afraid of what others could do to them.

It’s the abrupt awareness that something could break them apart… something from the outside, something more powerful than feelings and stronger than any promise, something that’d simply cut off every bond they created together, regardless of how much they need each other. Just like Yoochun had no choice but to leave, because it wasn’t enough in the end, that trust Changmin thought unbreakable. Faithful. Confident.
How terribly naïve he must have felt… how crushed and betrayed, not by Yoochun, but by Life itself.

Jaejoong wants to tell him that it’s not stupid, to think that some feelings can overcome everything. He wants to convince Changmin that it isn’t ridiculous to rely on ‘always’ and ‘forever’, and that the truth of hearts can sometimes be stronger than the reality of life. But Yoochun probably left thinking it was the only way to keep Changmin out of danger, and it’s that care and protectiveness the younger man needs so much that ended up taking his friend away from him.
Something came in between them and broke it all, friendship and gratitude and faith, and now… now, how is Jaejoong supposed to make Changmin believe in what fell apart right in front of their eyes only a few days ago? The invulnerability of some feelings, and the eternity of promises that come from the heart.

The younger man never told him all this clearly, but Jaejoong sees… sees the way Changmin stares at him at times, and looks like he’s trying to engrave that image in his memories. Just in case. How his phone now keeps ringing with texts and messages during the day, while the other barely contacted him that way before. How the younger man seems to find a little peace only when they are together in the same house, the same room, wrapped in feelings that are theirs and that he can’t seem to be able to let go of, even for just a moment.

Changmin was forced to realize that as deep as it is, as strong and bright and beautiful as it feels, what they have could be broken. Any day. Without warning. Without reason.

And it terrifies him.

4:02

Jaejoong quietly closes the window and finally walks to the bed, careful not to make any noise and not to disturb the other as he slips between cool sheets.
He won’t manage to fall asleep, he thinks, eyes wide open to stare at the ceiling and the shadows hung there. There are too many things on his mind, decisions to take, a balance to maintain, someone to protect… and his own worries too, about his father and Junsu, and what’s going to happen now, because there’s no way things can stay that way for much longer.

He stifles a small cry of surprise when a hand suddenly comes to slip under his shirt, searching and warm, and familiar. A hand that knows the feel of his skin and the reassurance it’ll find there, and that isn’t intimidated anymore by physical closeness and the unmatchable comfort it gives. He turns to lay on his side just as Changmin moves closer to bury his face against his shoulder, releasing a long sigh when Jaejoong brings an arm around his back. The other probably woke up at some point and was waiting silently for the moment when he’d finally come to bed, unless he stayed awake the whole time, unable to fall asleep without his presence near.

Jaejoong shifts until he manages to slip his other arm between Changmin’s head and the pillow, and he wrapped him in his embrace again. Glad that he didn’t have to wait any longer for the right moment to let go of masks and pretence. Thankful that the younger man is asking this from him now, when he needs to overshadow everything they just uncovered and put under crude lights.

Changmin isn’t the only one who doesn’t feel safe unless it’s the two of them in a ‘here and now’.

Jaejoong tightens his arms around him just as the other moves to bring their heads closer, and lips brush against skin like it’s unintentional, like they aren’t asking for more. To be allowed to forget, or maybe to be forgiven. His mouth searches blindly, disregarding darkness and easily finding the soft warmth of Changmin’s neck, traveling up along his jaw, meeting his lips at last and opening a kiss here, that becomes two, then three, then more.
No matter how much, no matter how close, it’ll never be enough, and it’s all in the way fingers start pressing hard against his back, as if wanting to burn an indelible print here.

Changmin won’t cry and he won’t say anything more, not when what he needs is everywhere around him, and Jaejoong won’t speak either. Instead he’ll listen to the way the younger man breathes in deeply like it’s not air he wants to bring inside, but the scent of a fragment of ‘them’. He knows that Changmin is now living each one of those seconds like they could be snatched away from him the very next moment. He knows that the other is obsessively replaying feelings and touches, without ever allowing himself to forget that they could disappear too.
It’ll soon become unbearable. It’ll soon break him again, and if Jaejoong could… oh, if he could, he’d stop Time here and give him Forever.

He doesn’t want to promise. Jaejoong wants to give and give, and never stop giving, but some things are meant to remain words, and future only will decide if they were true or fake. It doesn’t matter how ardently his heart wants and believes, it’s useless struggling to lengthen the spread of one second. The alarm clock is dutifully picking minutes off, dawn will rise soon and end the night, and it won’t change anything, the fact that he doesn’t want daylight to show and force them out of that moment.
Jaejoong is no different than Changmin; he isn’t any better in the end, he isn’t stronger, he isn’t braver. He’s scared to lose the heart of his existence, and right now, he’s yearning for the same Forever as the younger man’s.

And together, until night ends, they will drown in sensations and feelings and imagine them immense, infinite, blinding, so bright and powerful that they will outlive every hardship and every other light. They will both be hoping that if they fall deep… deep in each other, deep within their own hearts, deep enough for them to lose the way back to reality, then nothing will ever manage to bring them to the day that comes next. As selfish as it is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morning comes, in the end.

Changmin knows that it was a sleepless night for Jaejoong, and he wouldn’t be able to tell how long he managed to sleep himself. Whatever rest he could have had, nightmares shattered the semblance of peace it should have brought him anyway. He feels tensed, on the edge… with something painful and unnerving lingering after his every thought, and making him feel unsteady. Irritated maybe, and while the lack of sleep should be enough to explain it, he knows that it’s not the real reason.

The sky isn’t clear yet outside. The day barely started, the streets are still dark, but pale morning lights are already unveiling heavy clouds and dull greys. He didn’t hear rain fall that night, but numerous droplets are still clinging onto the window panes of his kitchen and tracing paths downwards against the transparent surface. Like tears.

Changmin averts his eyes, feeling uneasy for reasons he can’t quite place, and his gaze finds Jaejoong on the other side of the room. Silent, like he has been ever since they got up.
When it became obvious that they wouldn’t be able to get any sleep, the older man rose from the bed and Changmin immediately followed him, half-expecting that the other would tell him to stay and rest some more. But Jaejoong merely watched him for a second or so, before his lips started drawing a knowing smile… nearly sad. Resigned. In the end, the older man let him come with him, and that’s all he wanted.

He’s busying himself in the kitchen now, preparing things that Changmin knows they won’t eat because he’s sure that Jaejoong has the exact same knot as him tightening his throat, his stomach, his heart. But he supposes that the fact of being doing something helps the other release a little stress.
As for him, it’s enough with just his eyes travelling up and down the older man’s frame, and finding comfort in the fact that for now… for a moment more, they won’t have to do anything but be together. It’s not even 6AM yet. It’s at least two hours before he has to go to work.

He startles a little when a mug suddenly appears in front of him, and his eyes rise to meet Jaejoong’s face. He’s smiling again but now it’s a little happier, and Changmin manages to smile back, brushing his fingers against the other’s hand as a silent ‘thank you’. The older man looks down and remains unmoving for a long moment, staring at where their hands are nearly touching, and hesitant… so obviously unsure that it makes Changmin’s heart clenches inside his chest, because he can tell that Jaejoong feels nervous about something. Something that involves him, and not investigations or Yoochun or any of the countless other reasons they have to worry those days.

That same sensation of nagging apprehension comes back at the front of his consciousness, incredibly destabilizing concerning something that small. Changmin knows it’s him… his own doubts and weakness, the way he feels troubled by the slightest things recently, and how he can’t seem to overcome the most insignificant obstacles without an effort.
He simply feels unsafe… unsafe everywhere, at all times, and he doesn’t know anymore if it’s Yoochun he’s worried about, or Jaejoong, or his whole life and how it’s pitching and faltering, and now about to overturn. If it’s his body or mind or heart, what’s failing him, what he’s lacking, what’s wrong with him because he definitely shouldn’t be like that.

“Changmin-ah…”

He looks up, realizing belatedly that he spent the last minutes staring into the blind blackness of the coffee right in front of him, but feeling nothing but the warmth of Jaejoong’s hand close.

“Yeah?”

The older man is nibbling nervously on his lower lip, watching him with concern like he’s still hesitating about what he wants to tell him, like he already fears his reaction.

“There’s something I need to talk about with you.”

“Yeah?”, Changmin asks once more, unable to go for something more encouraging or confident, not with the way Jaejoong’s eyes on him look nearly wary.

“I think…”, the other starts, pausing for a second or so before a small frown appears on his face, like he’s berating himself. Struggling to find determination inside, and do what must be done. A small thing that Changmin feels completely incapable of doing at the moment, and he just has to be grateful once more that Jaejoong is here, by his side, day and night, willing to help and support him through everything, be it small hardships or much bigger problems.

“I think I should go to Japan.”

He stifles the ‘no’ rising to his lips right on time.

But he can’t prevent his heart from sinking inside his chest. Can’t prevent anxiety from surging again with overwhelming strength. Can’t bring himself to ignore the way pressure increases around his thoughts, trying to make them break, wanting to unleash images he won’t be able control. Can’t hide the flash of refusal that he knows must have crossed his eyes.

“I don’t think we can learn much more here”, Jaejoong keeps speaking, looking like he doesn’t know himself what he’s saying while his eyes seem to be begging him to understand, “if I go to Tokyo, I’ll surely manage to contact the people who were there, who saw or suspected something… right?”

It’s ridiculous, that the older man is now asking for his approbation. Changmin doesn’t want him to go and Jaejoong knows that fully well.
But Changmin also feels completely unable to make a decision. He can’t think right, he doesn’t know how to recognize what’s the good thing to do, what’s bad, what’s selfish, what’s important, what’s useless. There’s too much at stake. He should be the one making choices at that point, he should be the one leading searches and supporting Jaejoong through what must be far from an easy period to deal with. But he feels stuck. Caught. Like the first step he takes will necessarily be the wrong one, and hasten the ruin of what he wants to protect.

Changmin nods.

Jaejoong knows what to do. He’ll follow whatever decision the other makes, since it’s the only thing he still feels able to do, no matter how pathetic it seems.
It wasn’t like that yesterday… yesterday he could still think properly and try to grasp that terrifying unknown that took Yoochun away from him and enveloped him in darkness. Right now he can’t. He can’t. He doesn’t want to even think of Yoochun. Doesn’t want to imagine and picture and see what could be, and what could end.

“… Maybe Yoochun went there too”, Jaejoong adds after a while, still staring with those same worried eyes, “maybe he talked to some people in the area. It’s possible he went back there too.”

“Okay…”, Changmin cuts him hastily, because he doesn’t want to hear Yoochun’s name and to have it surrounded by ‘maybes’ and ‘possible’, “it’s okay, it’s a good idea.”

He can feel a headache coming. It’s the lack of sleep, surely. Just like the now suffocating hold of repressed fears onto his mind, and how it’s patiently waiting for him to give in. It’s just because he’s tired, and soon he’ll be able to shake it off and think clearly again, free from nightmarish visions and the invisible weight of something that must be ignored. Changmin won’t make it if he can’t erase it. He won’t be able to do anything before it’s gone.

“How long…”, he forces himself to talk when he realizes that Jaejoong didn’t answer him, “how long do you think you need to go?”

“…Three days”, the older man whispers, anxiously searching his eyes.

He might as well have said three months.

“Okay.”

Changmin nods again, moving his head up and down like a broken doll, until he realizes that his hand is shaking a little, and he precipitately hides it under the table, fingers tightened into a fist.

“I will call Seunghyun, okay?”, Jaejoong asks in the same hesitant tone he’s starting to hate, “and Junsu. You don’t have to be alone all this time. I’m sure they-“

“I can take care of myself.”

Oh god…

Changmin bites on his lower lip, horrified by the sound of his own voice. He just sounded angry. Angry. At Jaejoong.

He sees the older man wince. He knows that the other doesn’t understand, unless he’s just hoping that it’s the case, or maybe he wishes it’s not. It’s starting not to make sense again. It’s getting tangled up and confused and Changmin needs to put it right because it’s in disorder… it’s in disarray that the things he wants to erase manage to rise and gain a power he doesn’t want them to have. And his head hurts. Not very painful, but here. A slow pulsation at the back of his mind like an upcoming threat. Like a finger on the trigger to tears.

“I know you can…”, Jaejoong answers cautiously, visibly aware that he’s threading on dangerous grounds, “I was just saying…”

“Good.”

So curt. So harsh. It makes Changmin want to cry like it’s the older man who just talked to him like that. He needs to control it… control his voice and body, and the rest… the rest is inside and it can hurt no one but him, and he’ll deal with it soon. It’s just nightmares. Fake images, unreality, visions, and it’ll go away with just a little time.

“Changmin-ah…”

“I need to go to the bathroom.”

He rises abruptly, avoiding the other’s eyes, not wanting to look at his face. He just needs a few minutes to calm down, and it’ll be alright. It’s nothing serious after all, just a small effort to get rid of the heavy pressure of imaginary menaces. He needs cold water on his face, something to make that headache disappear, and to grab hold of the reality again. To put the truth back where it belongs, with facts and words, and not scattered images born from unconscious thoughts.

“Changmin.”

A hand stops him right before he reaches the door. Not rough but firm enough to make him stop, and this time he has to lower his gaze not to meet Jaejoong’s eyes.

“What is it?”

‘Nothing’.

Changmin wants to answer that. Doesn’t want to. Doesn’t know if it’s a lie or not. He doesn’t want to lie to Jaejoong, not again. Is it lying, to say he’s fine when tears are already burning behind his eyes? Is it lying, to say he needs help when the only thing he needs to get rid of is a stupid nightmare? Caught. Stuck. Tied and helpless. Paralyzed. Useless.

“Changmin-ah…”

A gentle touch under his chin, wordlessly asking him ‘what’s wrong’. Nothing is wrong. Or maybe everything is. Maybe it’s just him, or maybe it’s the whole world that abruptly became dark and cold, and he doesn’t know how to belong there. How to live in that place and find a way to end it, but Yoochun… Yoochun.

Changmin’s head raises on his own initiative and his eyes find Jaejoong’s. They instantly fill with tears. He doesn’t know where they come from, if it’s fear or tiredness or relief. The other’s eyes are simply so… so everything. Concerned and warm, understanding, loving, deep and reassuring, everything. His hands already grabbed the front of the older man’s shirt, something solid with the strength he doesn’t have, and true with the reality that keeps hiding from him.
The words escape his mouth without him fully realizing it.

“Do you think he’s dead?”

Jaejoong’s eyes widen right as tears start falling, silent and painless, just here.

“What if they killed him… if they hurt him if-“

He stops just the time to swallow the lump in his throat, images now entering freely and filling his mind with every worst possibility, every atrocious image, every sickening detail he tried so hard to ignore during the last hours.

“Maybe it’s t-too late…”

Maybe it happened already.

“What if hyung-”

He can’t. Stops. Breathes, or at least tries to. He can’t say his name.

Changmin saw it so clearly, just a few hours ago. Those absurd images coming straight from random movies he watched along the years, but it was Yoochun… Yoochun everywhere, with blood and cries, and screams for help. Yoochun with terror in his eyes, and tortured whimpers escaping his lips, and unbearable pain etched profoundly in his expression. Marked with bruises and burns and dirt. Shouting, screaming, screaming, screaming for help and no one was coming. And blood, and wounds, and the mad light of vain struggles, and the dead one of resignation.

Images, just images and twisted memories his mind turned into nightmares. Not real; it wasn’t real.

But every detail so vivid and so true.

Yoochun lying immobile. Silent. Unmoving. Pale. Eyes closed and horribly still. Without a breath to make his hair tremble under the soft blow of life. Without the slightest rise of his chest to betray the slow travels of a soul inside his body. Mute and deaf. Blind to Changmin’s tears. Unaware of his calls. Not caring about his pleas.

He’s crying again.

He doesn’t know what’s stronger, what’s real, what’s the truth. If it’s the warmth of Jaejoong’s arms around him or the merciless coldness of obsessive visions. In a far, distant part of his mind, Changmin thinks he’s going crazy. His body tells him that there’s someone here to hold him, his thoughts keep falling in a vertiginous hole of absolute dread, his heart is being tossed around and he doesn’t know if it’ll ever stop.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Hyung… Yoochun wasn’t supposed to need that kind of help… the kind where Changmin can do nothing but doubt and wait and believe, all of it with a heart that can’t even bear the weight of his own life. Yoochun should have known. He is the one who knows how to find hope and lights even in the darkest moments, he is the one who knows.

Who knew.

Maybe.

The sob that’s wrenched from his chest next sounds nearly inhuman, foreign to his own ears. He’s pressing his face hard against Jaejoong’s shoulder, his eyes are closed tightly but it doesn’t prevent tears from leaking out. It only keeps blackness inside, and allows nightmares to stay there. Yoochun’s livid face keeps appearing here, a face so expressionless that Changmin doesn’t recognize it. It’s too far, somewhere he can’t reach, and he doesn’t know if what’s separating them is the curtain of suffering or dreams, or if it’s another one, definitive. One that won’t be crossed or torn down.

It scares him, that image, bloodied and lifeless.

Immobile with the kind of stillness that isn’t natural. Something both ethereal and yet revoltingly precise. Changmin can’t push it away when it felt so real. He can’t ignore how perfectly possible and logical it had been, for a handful of seconds, right after he woke up. He can’t even cling onto a solid proof that it’s all in his head, because there’s nothing… absolutely nothing to tell him otherwise. All he has is hope. Hope that’s melting and cracking like ice under a burning sun, like a dam ready to give way and unleash limitless distress.

All he has is Jaejoong.

Those strong arms around him and care in a voice saying ‘it’ll be fine’.
Arms that will be gone sooner or later, a voice that will fade away at some point because that’s what reality is. Duties and work, and life unraveling with monotonous arrogance and grand carelessness. And it all seems so tiring and so vain, when the moments that matter, those moments that make an existence worth living… when those precious moments are reduced to minutes and seconds, and the rest is nothing but an hollow wait.

Changmin doesn’t know anymore if he even believes that he’ll have them again, those shining seconds right by Yoochun’s side. Maybe they are meant to remain memories, already left behind as the past closed an heavy door onto priceless lights.

He never really had to face death. He never lost anyone dear and irreplaceable. He doesn’t know how to deal with the idea of losing forever. Maybe it was only a nightmare, but Changmin already saw Yoochun on the other side of his life, and the image is unbearable. A torturing ghost he can’t catch or control, a mocking shadow haunting thoughts that don’t know how to fight the omnipotence of ‘nothing’.
It was only a nightmare but it brought every confused fear to life, attached colors and sounds to unconscious ideas, and now Changmin can do nothing but deal with it the only way he knows. With tears and sobs, and his body wordlessly expressing what his voice is now unable to describe.

It takes long minutes for him to finally feel drained, and he welcomes empty fatigue with relief because it means it ended, at last. Until the next time, maybe, but for now his tired mind will spare him exhausting doubts, and focus on what’s easy and simple. Go to work and talk, and smile, and walk, and eat. Simple things. Until the next time.

Changmin instinctively tightens his embrace, both arms now around Jaejoong’s body with his hands high on his back. And for a split second, as unfair as it sounds, he wishes that it’d be Yoochun here and that it’d all be a dream. A very, very long dream, one with a lot of ups and downs but with nothing real about it, in the end. Just a very realistic nightmare, and he just woke up, and it’s Yoochun here telling him ‘it’s alright’.
And at the same time, he can’t bear the idea of the person holding him now being anyone else that Jaejoong.

It’s all confused. Mixed up and darkened, and feelings are starting to lose their way in there. Yoochun and those two years of dizzying hope, and Jaejoong now pouring love in every part of him.

Changmin used to think that he’d be fine if Yoochun stayed with him. Then he believed that Jaejoong would always be enough.
Both still sound… feel true, and he can’t let go. He can’t pretend that he’s alright with losing either of them as long as the other is here. Yet he knows that the two other men wouldn’t hesitate to give up everything they have if it’s for his sake. It feels as if he’s constantly betraying his own feelings, because all he can think of is Yoochun while Jaejoong is the one here with him, and he’s still clinging onto Jaejoong when he should be doing everything he can to find Yoochun.

His headache increased in intensity, now insistently piercing a burning nail of pain at the back of his head. He stopped crying. His hand didn’t loosen their grip, his eyes still refuse to open.
Confusion. Confusion for a moment more, when he can make believe that he doesn’t know who is holding him, and hence that it is both. Both of them. Both fine, and happy, and real.

“I’m sorry.”

And really, he is. Changmin half-understands already that he’s failing the two of them. He can’t love Jaejoong the way the older man loves him, giving him every feeling and every tear. He can’t trust Yoochun like his friend trusted him, believing in him even when there was no hope.

“I hate it when you say that.”

There’s only kindness in Jaejoong’s voice, and that makes him feel even more miserable, if possible. So Changmin moves to rest his head higher, where his cheek is pressed against the older man’s, and tears that are not his come to burn his skin slightly.

“It’s the nightmares…”, he explains, feeling pathetic like he’s trying to find excuses for everything he can’t be, “it just felt so… so real and so true I-“

He stops speaking abruptly as a flow of images threatens to submerge his mind again, and this time Jaejoong’s arms tighten around him just as a kiss is laid on his temple. Tugging his consciousness in the right direction, towards the side where he’s in his lighted kitchen on a pale April morning, and there’s someone with him. The older man’s lips are right next to his ear, and while they are barely audible, his next words still feel as if they were said directly to his heart and unfurled from here.

“Believe in me, Changmin-ah…”

He can feel the other’s breaths warming his skin, and they are real too. As real as the cold panic that seized his whole being as unspeakable images first invaded his unprotected mind. It’s calming, to have that kind of soft certainty balancing at last the influence of fabricated possibilities.

“If it’s too hard to trust yourself… or him… just believe in me.”

Only then does Jaejoong pull away, just enough for him to see his face clearly, and for Changmin to find his own eyes reflected in the older man’s. Like he’s here, inside, at all times.

“You can do that, right?”

Of course he can. It’s easy to trust Jaejoong, and he nods without a second of hesitation.
He didn’t foresee the sensation of relief that immediately follows though, like a crushing weight was just lifted from his chest. Built-up tension abruptly leaves his body, and he staggers a little, like someone who remained tied for too long and forgot the way to stand. Jaejoong’s arms are here to keep him steady, and then Changmin remembers what triggered it all.

I think I should go to Japan.

Can he do this?

Alone, for the ridiculously long time that’s three days, without anything as solid and true as the older man’s body and gaze and voice to wrap around him? Go through the day and endure the relentless onslaught of dull things he can’t bring himself to care about? Go through the night and face the menaces hiding in between dreams, and maybe… maybe cry again like used to do, with only his own arms to hold him, with only silence and darkness to stifle his sobs and dry his tears?

It’s the third time he fell apart in Jaejoong’s embrace in less than twelve hours.

It has been more than three weeks since Yoochun disappeared.

Changmin makes a decision.

“I’m going to be fine”, he lies, “so you should go there.”

The older man frowns, visibly not convinced and not intending to believe that kind of assurance from someone who so obviously depends on him.

“I’m not going to leave you like this”, Jaejoong says sternly, and Changmin’s heart tightens just hearing a ‘leave you’ in the other’s mouth.

The mere mention of a possible departure was enough to cause another breakdown, and he just gave involuntarily the answer the older man wanted. He can’t go. In spite of all his good reasons and logical explanations, Jaejoong won’t take the risk to go when he’s like this already.
But Changmin decided. Made an impossible choice between two things he needs equally.

“It’s just for three days”, he whispers, ignoring his heart’s vehement protests, “I can wait. And you’re right, you’ll probably learn more if you go to Tokyo…”

‘Maybe Yoochun went there’, Jaejoong said.

“Then I want you to come with me”, the older man retorts, “it’s possible after all. I can arrange that with Seunghyun, I’m sure the company will let you-“

“No.”

Because it’s absurd, and stupid, but…

“Maybe he’ll come here…”, Changmin manages to say after a short inward struggle, “maybe Yoochun will want to come back…”

…a pathetic hope, really. He didn’t want to voice it. He doesn’t even believe it could be possible. But it’s a ‘maybe’ amongst tens of terrifying others, and this one is bearable. This one can help him instead of tightening the ropes around his heart

“Are you really…”

There’s a ‘sure’ on the tip of the older man’s tongue but he doesn’t say it. Reads the truth in his eyes, or maybe understands that the truth actually doesn’t matter here. Changmin decided. Jaejoong said to believe in him, and that’s what he’s doing. Entrusting him with everything, letting go once more with nothing but a promise that he’ll return, and already preparing himself for another wait.

“Can you trust me too?”, Jaejoong said.

Changmin decided he could, from the bottom of his heart. And because it’s Jaejoong then that choice can’t go wrong. And it won’t.

It won’t.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That Wednesday, they decide that the sooner Jaejoong goes, the better. The older man promises that whatever the result of his stay in Japan is, they’ll go to the police at the end of the week, and hope that what they discovered so far will be enough to convince them. Hope that Dongwon will accept to help them. Hope that it isn’t too late. And hope that a miracle will happen in the meanwhile, and put everything right again.

On Thursday, Jaejoong leaves, and at the end of an infinite day, Changmin feels more miserable than ever. He saw Kim Junjin twice that afternoon, and the urge to stop him and demand him to fix things and bring Yoochun back keeps growing stronger. He couldn’t meet Junsu as Jaejoong suggested.
Being with Junsu means being with Yunho as well. Yunho who saw him on the verge of breakdown, Junsu who will talk about Jaejoong and try to cheer him up, Yunho who had his parents killed and Junsu who is Kim Junjin’s son. Changmin doesn’t want to see the two of them together with that kind of secret standing in between them like an invisible barrier.

That evening, as night slowly falls and darkens his empty apartment, he calls his mother. And since everything else somehow grew too big and complicated for him to handle alone, Changmin tends that frayed bond that keeps him anchored to ‘before’. He doesn’t know if he’s hiding, or advancing.

On Friday, Kim Junjin receives a phone call, one that he had stopped waiting for, and that catches him off-guard.

“Park Yoochun”, the voice on the other side of the line says, cold and made sharp by a slight Japanese accent.

He knows that voice, the voice that calls itself ‘Yamada’, though he never saw the man himself. He doesn’t like him, doesn’t like the bored detachment in his words when - ‘we need you to cooperate’ - and the disturbing indifference in a - ‘he refuses to talk’.
But Kim Junjin still feels beyond relieved because here… they have him.

They have him, at last.

It’s over, it’ll soon be in the past again and he won’t have to bother anymore. So he ignores the way his heart started beating haphazardly, stumbling its way through shakes and bangs, and he ignores the small voice in his head saying that this is another moment he will remember. One that shouldn’t have happened and that won’t leave him in peace, because if Kim Junjin isn’t the kind of person that regrets, he never forgets.

“Park Yoochun?”, he repeats to get confirmation, unconsciously giving the name a solemnity he didn’t intend to express.

It’s on his list, that name.
It’s one of those people he started searching about the past weeks, admittedly without much conviction. Everything Kim Junjin learnt about him indeed revolved around partying and flirting; typical plainness of teenage years, appalling emptiness of the life of those people who refuse to grow up.

He was more interested in the guy’s parents, a couple that gave him trouble twelve years ago and that he had to silence the hard way, and in their recent precipitated departure from their previous home. That is suspicious, he thinks, half-wondering if he should speak about it to Yamada while quickly reviewing the information he gathered about Park Yoochun, rapidly running his eyes over the file in his hands. That is something to be worried about, and he is going to say it aloud when his gaze falls on a name. One that makes his heart freeze inside his chest.
One that always seemed harmless and insignificant to him, and it’s probably the reason why he didn’t notice the first time.

“Kwon&Co.”

“What?”

Yamada sounds slightly irritated but Kim Junjin barely pays attention to him. Now thinking about it, he isn’t even sure that he bothered to read that file till the end, so plain and uninteresting it seemed to him. Too careless. Too confident. He missed it, and his heart abruptly seems to flare up inside his chest, so painful it obliges him to close his eyes, doubled over and struggling to regain control. Like a punishment, hitting right where it hurts, in the core of his pride.

“Kwon&Co”, he finally manages to repeat, knowing he’ll have to explain and already hating the long list of questions that will follow. They won’t leave him alone after that, they know better.

Kim Junjin doesn’t like Yamada, and above all, he hates that cold voice that will give him all the details… the precisions, what will happened and how, a subtle menace artfully describing what are the risks for him too, if he messes up again. It’ll erase both relief and doubts, and leave him with tensed anticipation instead.

With a countdown, the prelude to silence.

On Saturday, Changmin starts counting.

5PM means seventeen hours before Jaejoong comes back. Less than a day. He feels ridiculously proud that he managed to go through those interminable hours alone, but he wants it to be over already. They were endless, the past days, and time seemed to slow down purposefully as Sunday came nearer. Only an evening and a morning left. If he can sleep properly, it’ll come sooner, and tomorrow they’ll go to the police and-

And on the other side of the apartment, lying on the kitchen table where Changmin left it earlier, his cell phone starts ringing, setting off the countdown. A prelude to chaos.

Note: I'm afraid it's not the most cheerful thing to post at that time of the year, but here it is! ^^/
I hope you'll like that update and enjoy the JaeMin! I know Changmin's behavior here can seem frustrating but I went for what seemed most realistic to me... considering the huge pile of insecurities he's still dragging along, and the fact that he's in the end a very 'normal' person, compared to what the four others experienced in the past, especially JaeChun. It's not the kind of thing you can learn about so abruptly and deal with cooly... at least that's what I think x')
As always, don't hesitate to ask if something doesn't seem clear about the plot~ Thank you to everyone reading/comenting!

A belated Micky Christmas for everyone! ♥~
And an amazing TVXQ Day to all Cassies!! ;-) ♥♥♥♥♥

Part 65.