Goodbye happiness
Results for the 8th JeTidal Wave Fanfic Contest have just released and I'm still very much in shock. More coherent thanks are in the author's notes at the end of this piece, but gosh, thank you, everyone, so much <3!
Title: Goodbye happiness
Genre: Romance/General
Rating: PG, just to be safe
Characters: Jessica, Tiffany
Summary: "That time can't come back again, right? (Even so, that's okay. Love me)"
Word count: 5,000+
Disclaimer: RPF - really prolonged fic >_<
Cross-post: Slightly edited version of entry #19 for the 8th JeTidal Wave Fanfic Contest.
So Goodbye Happiness
何も知らずに はしゃいでた
あの頃へはもう戻れないね
それでもいいの Love me
(So goodbye happiness
I never knew anything so energetic and free.
That time can't come back again, right?
Even so, that's okay. Love me)
*****
It wasn't until the van door clicked shut for the fourth time that morning that Jessica had the chance to check her phone. It read 8 o'clock now but she'd been up and about for more than five hours already, running on less than an hour of sleep and her second triple latte. She shifted her sunglasses from her nose to her forehead, ignoring the morning sun as she scrolled through the myriad of alerts on her phone. There were a bunch of texts from the girls - even one from her sister - but she could only skim through them because the "low battery" message kept taking over the screen ('You and me both,' she thought). But amidst the list of alerts, a calendar reminder caught her eye, and then her breath.
"Are you all right?"
Jessica immediately looked up, blank faced as she locked the screen, all in one instinctive motion. "I'm all right," she answered, pitching her voice with a lightness her heart suddenly didn't feel. Her manager glanced at her again but decided that driving was the greater concern. Jessica let out a silent breath in relief and returned her sunglasses down to cover her eyes. But rather than the scenery that blurred by outside her window, it was her own reflection within the glasses that she focused on, contemplating as her fingers traced the smooth space on the now darkened screen where the words had appeared.
She wasn't sure when she'd set that reminder for herself, but apparently her past self had known she would forget. It stirred a mixture of emotions from deep within her, mostly disappointment, but also this other feeling that she couldn't readily identify, a feeling similar to something slipping through her fingers - time, or maybe the feeling itself.
'Or maybe just my memory,' Jessica thought wryly. 'Only in my 20s and already forgetting anniversaries.' How could she have forgotten their anniversary? Her brain responded with a list of excuses - lyrics, lack of sleep, choreography, scripts, lack of sleep - but it did nothing to ease the weight on her chest. Something had changed and she wasn't sure when it had happened or if there was anything she could have done about it. If she should do something about it.
Jessica shook her head a little. 'Stop it,' she told herself sternly. Turning her brain into a hamster wheel was certainly not a productive way to spend her time. She shooed the dark voices back into their corners. Regardless of how, the fact was that she remembered now and that's all that mattered. 'But what to do ...' Jessica chewed her lip for a moment before keying her phone back on, softly cooing to it when it began blinking in protest. Quickly, she brought up their schedules, scanning the document for one name in particular. She herself had only one more schedule and then she was free until group rehearsal later that evening (or early the next morning, depending on where the line was drawn between day and night). 'Seohyun, Taeyeon, Hyoyeon - ah, found you.'
"Jihun-oppa, can you drop me off at Vogue studio after my schedule?"
Her manager frowned, both at the traffic and at the question. "Don't you want to go back to the dorm and sleep?"
"No," Jessica murmured as her phone finally powered off for good, "I want to see Tiffany."
*****
Sunset glanced off of the hood of the van as they slowly pulled up to the building, the sharp light serving as a warning signal to the crowd, which parted reluctantly. "Do you need me to run bodyguard service?" Jihun asked in a low voice, eyeing the mob as it started to close in, realizing the van's sole occupant.
Jessica shook her head. "This is nothing," she answered, her dismissive tone born of fact, not arrogance. She proved her statement by easily weaving through the crowd, experience guiding her steps with aptly timed smiles and waves to ease her closer and closer to the entrance. It took a while, but Jessica eventually crossed the threshold, the glass doors shutting behind her and sealing off the voices with a suddenness that almost made her lose her balance, almost made her miss the sound.
It was in that silence that Jessica realized she’d come empty-handed. She groaned and knocked her knuckles against her head. Going back outside was out of the question now (she shuddered to think of the scandals that would erupt if she even attempted to buy a bouquet of flowers) and so she was left with nothing to show for remembering the occasion. Just then, the elevator sounded its arrival and opened its doors in patient invitation. What else could she do? Jessica sighed and stepped into the elevator with a resigned shrug. The ride was silent and she chewed her lip as she counted the floors as they passed.
A staff member recognized her as soon as she stepped out of the elevator (Minjung? Minyoung? Jessica hadn't been able to understand the lady amidst the barely suppressed squeals) and all but dragged Jessica into the studio, where she proceeded to offer snacks, drinks (Jessica accepted a cup of coffee, number five so far), and introductions to nearly every person who walked by. Even after Jessica was seated, the offerings continued - blankets, slippers, magazines, more coffee - until the staff member was finally whisked away to deal with more official business. Jessica exhaled in relief, this time relishing the silence. Usually, it would have amused her to be fawned and fussed over to such an extent but sometimes - most times, really - it was nice to just be normal.
Jessica exchanged bows with the staff near her, glad for their company and the shield their backs provided against most of the light. She would have continued to wear her sunglasses inside (a habit she hadn't known about until fans began to notice and labeled it as "chic"), but Jessica was well aware that the line between chic and rude was very thin, and flirting with it usually meant more trouble than fun. Deprived of the chance to hide (or rather, sleep) behind her sunglasses, she was forced to pay attention to the photo shoot.
It wasn't often that they watched each other's photo shoots, though it was less because of the length of time and more because the whole process, at least to Jessica, had always seemed unnatural. It was different from performing on stage. There, she had lines to sing, choreography to execute. But during a photo shoot, people were, essentially, watching her do nothing. Not only that, the sets always seemed too bright, the props oddly weighted, and the lighting too artificial to affect anything natural. Even outdoor photo shoots felt like eerie, staged affairs.
As Jessica watched, the harsh flash turned Tiffany's hair wheat-gold each moment it went off, bringing back memories of their days as blondes. There had never been anything gradual in their transitions from one style to the next, especially hairstyles (Jessica suspected the drama was part of their company's business plan). Thankfully, their faces had been left to age in their own time, the curves and softness there lengthening along with the lines of their bodies. Traces of the girl Jessica used to know were hard to find in times like these, when Tiffany was dressed up and made up and standing in the spotlight. The ease with which Tiffany flowed from pose to pose was a testament to both Jessica's own experience in recognizing those poses and Tiffany's comfort in her own skin.
They both had come so far since that first photo shoot. They had been so awkward back then, not only with each other (Jessica swore her ears had rung for days after their first meeting) but also because Jessica was still getting over her fear of cameras and Tiffany was still adjusting to her new name and all that had entailed. To this day, it amazed Jessica that they had made it through that photo shoot at all. If Tiffany hadn't been there, so brave and trying so, so hard, Jessica was sure she would have run out of the studio crying. Tiffany didn't exactly have an easy time either - the photographer had become so exasperated with Tiffany continually playing with the bracelets around her wrists that he had threatened to take them away and use someone else for that sequence. Jessica had received her own share of scoldings during the shoot, experiencing the wrath of their makeup-unni after she'd had to reapply Jessica's lipstick nearly a dozen times because Jessica had been biting her lip so much. The wrist-wringing and lip-biting came less frequently nowadays, though Jessica wasn't sure if that was because they had gotten used to the photo shoots or if it all had just gotten old. 'Among other things,' she thought, casting her gaze down where her phone lay silent in her purse.
When she looked back up, she found Tiffany glancing curiously in her direction. Jessica just sat back and waited. It didn't take long, a couple of seconds at most, but Jessica knew the moment Tiffany realized it was her: Tiffany's whole body seemed to lift, as if at the start of one of her infamous outbursts, surprise pulling the beginnings of a smile around her eyes. Jessica grinned in pure reaction and would have waved but a flash brought both of their eyes back to the camera. Jessica shrunk down a bit in her chair, looking around furtively and hoping that no one had noticed Tiffany's lapse in focus. 'Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all...' Usually, staff members were very indulgent whenever they all played with each other, but she was also very aware that the staff members' days often ran longer than theirs did.
Jessica shifted her chair back so that she was better hidden by the staff and their equipment, sacrificing some of her view in the process. But she could picture Tiffany in her mind as she got back into character, the squaring of her shoulders, the slight raising of her chin before settling into a pose. Jessica could still see part of Tiffany and part of the set, so she amused herself with the partial view, imagining Tiffany's hidden half based on what she could see (head tilted to the side with a smirk that made Jessica's heart flutter would be completed by hands on hips and legs crossed at the ankles; hand raised, palm upward would be paired with a light-hearted smile, facing the camera with nothing to hide).
The game helped to make the rest of the shoot pass quickly and it took Jessica by surprise when an applause went up at the final photograph, and Tiffany blushed, there at the center of it all. Jessica added her cheers and watched as Tiffany made her rounds thanking the staff, pausing to speak at length with Minyoung (Minjung?) and exchange numbers (both of them scribbling on what looked like a napkin) before making her way towards Jessica’s seat. Jessica was content to just watch her like this, the easy way Tiffany moved through the crowd, her laughter distinct amidst the various sounds, and her eyes always finding their way back to her own. When Tiffany was finally within arm's reach, Jessica slid off of the chair and pulled the other girl into a hug. The strong smell of hairspray and the stiffness of Tiffany's clothes tempered their embrace, but Tiffany's grin was no less bright when they parted. "Were you trying to play hide and seek?" she asked playfully, poking at Jessica's side.
Jessica squirmed, a giggle lilting her answering "Maybe." (It always surprised her, how easily Tiffany eased into her.)
"I thought you'd be at the dorm," Tiffany said, an unspoken, "sleeping," added with her raised eyebrow.
Jessica was in the middle of rolling her eyes when it occurred to her that Tiffany probably hadn't remembered their anniversary either. She blinked, for a moment unsure whether to be relieved or disappointed, but quickly settled on simply taking advantage of their time together. "I wanted to see you," she answered truthfully - more truthfully than she had intended. Tiffany seemed surprised as well, her hand stilling at Jessica's hip and her smile softening in that way. Then Jessica was reaching out (like she always did at that smile), gently cupping Tiffany's face, overwhelmed by a sudden desire to keep that fragile, beautiful smile in a place safer, softer than her hands (but they were all she had to offer). Tiffany leaned into the touch, lightly brushing her lips against Jessica's palm. It made Jessica shudder slightly, there in the middle of the bustling studio (then again, Tiffany had always had that kind of effect on her).
A staff member called Tiffany away to change and they released each other reluctantly, Jessica again left empty-handed. She turned to sit back down, but her chair had already been taken away. She glared at the now empty space and looked around for another chair but spotted a small crowd around the computers. She wandered over and realized that they were already reviewing Tiffany's pictures.
"Pretty, huh?" a staff member asked when they noticed she had joined them. There was an immediate outcry from several other staffers who loudly denounced his tact and quickly reassured Jessica of her own beauty. Jessica laughed and waved away the compliments, adding her agreement to the first staff member's pronouncement. The pictures were physical evidence of this, the shoot having brought to the forefront a different side of Tiffany, a sensual, devil-may-care image that Jessica knew would be further teased out with editing. It was with an odd mix of professionalism and adoration that she looked at the pictures, tracing each frame with the eyes of both critic and lover.
She was comparing her guesses from the game from earlier - some of them true (she'd had to suppress a whine when they sped past the picture with Tiffany's delicious smirk) and others delightfully far-fetched (wide laughter where Jessica had expected a simple smile) - when an arm linked through hers and pulled her away from the crowd. Tiffany's nose was scrunched up, no doubt having caught sight of her face on the screen. Jessica laughed. "They look good," she said reassuringly. She understood the reaction though - it was still unnerving to see her own face multiplied and staring back at her.
Tiffany rolled her eyes in self-deprecation. "You hungry?" she asked instead. Jessica allowed the former but leveled a look at Tiffany in answer to the latter. 'When were they not hungry?' that looked said. Tiffany chuckled, acknowledging the silliness of asking that particular question but Jessica understood that sometimes, certain things just had to be said. "Well, I heard there's a restaurant nearby that's pretty good. Wanna try it?"
Jessica frowned. "But what about all the fans outside?" She wasn't too keen on having to go through that crowd again, which would have only gotten bigger once word had spread about her visit. She was a bit surprised Tiffany hadn't thought of this, their eternal 'manager.'
Tiffany, however, just raised an eyebrow at her, an expression equal parts exasperation and amusement on her face. "Did you forget?"
Jessica stilled. "Forget what?" she asked cautiously, unsure as to what Tiffany was referring to.
But Tiffany just bumped Jessica's shoulder with her own. "There's a side door, silly. Don't you remember? We used to use it all the time."
Relief clouded Jessica's memory but once they got off the elevator at the second floor and opened the somewhat hidden door at the end of the hall, a soft "oh" escaped her lips. She did remember this stairwell, its low florescent light and how it seemed to make everything look more black-and-white than color. They had learned to use this and other stairwells like it as their group had become more popular, and then again as a couple, sneaking in and sneaking out, often giggling as they pretended to be spies (and snuck in make out sessions against the walls). Now, they moved not with stealth but with a gait more matter-of-fact, ready to deal with whatever they might come across.
Tonight, it would not be fans: opening the exit door revealed only darkness. Tiffany grinned triumphantly at Jessica and they made their way to the main street. Jessica hadn't realized how late it was until they began passing shop after darkened shop, "Closed," signs already posted in the windows. She pursed her lips in disappointment. She had hoped to sneak into a boutique store to buy even a small trinket to commemorate their anniversary, but it seemed like store owners had a less fluid sense of time than she did.
Tiffany started to slow down and Jessica noted that she was fiddling with her watch and referencing what looked to be a napkin with a crude map drawn on it. "Are we there yet?" Jessica couldn't help but ask. Tiffany didn't answer but soon stopped in front of a closed storefront, her jaw clenching in what Jessica knew were silent curses.
It was, at least, a quaint looking restaurant. The tables in the patio area were already stacked up on each other, but Jessica could picture the two of them sitting at one of them with the bright afternoon sun on their shoulders instead of the lamplight that reflected off of the dark window.
Tiffany gave her an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was already closed ..."
Jessica shrugged. "Next time," she said simply. She kept eyes away from the menu though - her stomach had become notably hollow and she knew it would start grumbling very soon. They continued walking, yet 15 minutes later, all they had come across was a laundromat and three convenience stores. They paused at a fourth, eyeing the rows of snacks through the clear sliding doors. Hunger was gnawing at Jessica's patience but she wasn't too enamored with the idea of instant noodles and beef jerky for dinner (the only combination Jessica was able to tolerate, much less cook). She glanced at Tiffany and saw the same conflict there, a longing in her gaze but a frown on her lips. Tiffany looked over at her, hesitantly asked, "Keep going?"
Jessica sighed but instantly regretted it when she saw Tiffany wince. She circled Tiffany's wrist loosely with her fingers and tried not to answer too sharply. "Next place that's open." Her effort was rewarded with a relieved smile and they set off once more, this time their silence less tense and more hopeful.
It came as a complete surprise when they turned the corner and found themselves face-to-door with a 24-hour restaurant. After a moment of shock, they eagerly entered and were promptly seated. After they had plowed through half of their nachos (the menu was a weird but welcome mix of comfort food from Korean, Mexican, and Italian cuisines), Jessica's energy had returned enough to take in their surroundings.
The pictures that lined the walls were from all sorts of places (many of them countries Jessica was proud to say they had visited), giving color to the otherwise simple interior. There were a handful of other customers spaced out around the dining area and with the soft candlelight, it gave the restaurant a homey yet intimate feel. Something about the place tickled the back of her mind. ‘Maybe it’s one of the pictures?’
"Doesn't this remind you of that one place we went to after we first met?"
The memory clicked into place. "That's just what I was thinking of," Jessica replied with a wry smile. That's exactly what it was. The restaurant they'd gone to all those years ago had been similar to this - simple, not too busy, but Jessica had felt so uncomfortable, even with Ida playing mediator, slowing down Tiffany's near continuous chatter and translating Jessica's near non-existent responses.
"You barely said anything that day," Tiffany remembered, crunching on a nacho. "I thought I'd offended you or something."
Jessica raised an eyebrow at her. "You would have known if you had."
Tiffany laughed. "That's what Ida said."
"Actually, I thought I'd said something to offend you," Jessica admitted. Tiffany tilted her head in askance. "While we were eating, you like, disappeared into the bathroom," she explained as she eyed the remains of their plate of nachos, trying to see which chip had the most toppings on it. "We almost sent out a search party for you."
The sudden stillness from across the table made Jessica look up and then immediately reach out, the lost look on Tiffany's face jolting her heart. Tiffany smiled instinctively but Jessica knew the difference (felt herself suddenly transported to that day, recognizing now what this smile had meant) and tightened her grip on Tiffany’s hand. 'It's okay,' is what it said, 'I'm listening.'
Tiffany didn’t speak for several minutes, obviously working to get her feelings under control. It was a battle that took place just underneath her skin - jaw clenching, throat swallowing, all the while attempting to keep that grimace-smile on the surface. Jessica glanced around the room, then dismissed the other patrons from her mind, followed her gut-instinct and moved around the table to sit down next to Tiffany. She wrapped an arm around Tiffany’s shoulders (‘I’m here, I’m here,’ was what this said) and Jessica could feel Tiffany's slow breaths, deliberate, unsteady, her shoulders tense as she tried to level out her breathing. Jessica continued to hold her, giving her as much time as she needed.
"I'd forgotten about that," Tiffany finally murmured, her voice husky with lingering emotion. Jessica gave her a light squeeze, resting her forehead against Tiffany’s in silent support. “When we were eating... The spaghetti and, like, especially the pizza - man, this sounds so dumb - but it just tasted different. It was so not like the pizza back home, you know?”
Jessica nodded her head, rubbing small soothing circles against Tiffany’s back. She felt Tiffany's back rise against her palm as Tiffany took in a deep breath. "I guess it just hit me then. Where I was ... what I was doing ... how things were completely different and how much more things were going to change from then on. It felt like I had lost something ... something I would never get back."
Jessica held Tiffany a little tighter and felt the other girl shift to lean into her. To be honest (and she had told this to Tiffany, many, many times), Jessica had thought Tiffany was crazy back then. 15 years old and defying her father to go to a different country in hopes to be a star? It sounded like something out of a movie. And yet here Tiffany was, fulfilling that dream. Though, Jessica had to wonder - "Do you ever regret it?" she asked, not bothering to filter the question.
Tiffany paused before answering. "No," she said, drawing out the word, thinking as she spoke (talking out her thoughts). "You know, the last time I talked to Daddy, he told me that he still regrets not supporting me back then. I told him that it was okay - I mean, he’s so supportive now, you know?" Jessica nodded emphatically. Care packages from California were always a big affair because it meant half-a-dozen boxes filled with treats for all 9 of them.
"I still miss home all the time," Tiffany continued, her eyes fixed on a point far beyond the table. "I missed out on a lot of things ... Sometimes I think that maybe I came over too early, or that maybe I shouldn’t have come at all." Tiffany’s voice became soft, thinking out-loud more than speaking to Jessica. "But I really do believe that things happen for a reason. And most times, those things can’t happen without some kind of change. So no, I don’t regret it - I wouldn’t change anything." Jessica felt Tiffany nod to herself and her own heart align with the sentiment.
They stayed like that for a while, parting only when they saw their waiter approaching. He didn’t question the change in seating and just set down their steaming plates with a smile. Conversation was put on hold as they both all but attacked their food.
Jessica, however, began to slow after a few bites, causing Tiffany’s brows to furrow when she finally noticed. "Don’t like it?" she asked, dabbing at the spaghetti sauce around her mouth.
"It’s not the greatest," Jessica admitted, though the fact that she took another bite showed that she didn’t think it was completely horrible either.
Tiffany rolled her eyes. "Like you could cook any better." Her playful grin tempered Jessica’s reaction, but she still gave Tiffany an outraged look.
"I have before!"
"You've always had someone else telling you what to do.” Tiffany pointed her fork at her. "You even had to use sauce from a packet! I bet you couldn't even make spaghetti sauce from scratch."
Jessica glared. "I so can make spaghetti."
"Prove it."
Jessica felt a familiar rise in her stomach at Tiffany’s challenging grin. "Fine." Then she answered with a wicked grin of her own. "But you have to cook too."
The grin instantly dropped from Tiffany’s face. "What."
"And the girls will judge."
"What?!"
"Afraid you'll lose?" Jessica asked impishly.
Tiffany narrowed her eyes and growled. "As if. Next week, Jung. Spaghetti battle." They held each other’s stare for a few more moments, but then Jessica burst out laughing at the intensity of it all.
"Spaghetti battle?" Jessica repeated as she giggled, replaying Tiffany’s dramatic announcer voice in her mind.
Tiffany stuck her tongue out at Jessica, though she was chuckling as well. "I'm serious! Cook off, next week."
"Oh, I'm serious too," Jessica replied, trying to put on a serious face but unable to fight against a grin. "What do I get when I win?"
"You mean when you lose?” Tiffany snorted. She thought for a moment, biting on her fork. Jessica became wary as she watched a smile dripping of mischief appeared on Tiffany’s face. "You have to do my laundry for the rest of the month."
Jessica gaped at her, having just a couple of days ago poked fun at the mountain of dirty clothes in (and around) Tiffany’s hamper. "Oh it's on, Hwang. Totally on." Tiffany just blithely continued eating, affecting disbelief. Jessica huffed and returned to her food as well, stabbing as she mentally began to plot how to guarantee her success. But after a moment, Jessica shook her head slightly at the seriousness of her thoughts, giggling to herself as they continued to eat in comfortable companionship.
*****
A couple of hours later, they stood waiting for the elevator in the SM building to go down into the "dungeon," as they had fondly dubbed the basement rehearsal room. However, it was more Tiffany standing and Jessica leaning against her, holding her distended stomach. "I don't think I'm going to make it through rehearsal," she moaned pitifully.
Tiffany sighed. "You’re the one who wanted to share that ice cream sundae."
"You’re the one who started talking about ice cream!" Jessica knew she was whining, but she was too full to care. They had added to the loser’s punishment having to buy a pint of ice cream for each of the girls and it had set off Jessica’s craving for one herself (it had also been a restaurant special - Jessica figured they could have at least one thing special for that day).
Jessica heard Tiffany sigh again but when the elevator arrived, she still led Jessica slowly by the hand inside. They leaned back against the railing and against each other, easily fitting themselves into the quiet. Jessica returned her head to Tiffany’s shoulder, closing her eyes momentarily. The bitterness of her latest cup of coffee (Jessica had long since lost count by now) still lingered on her tongue, but it was the underlying taste of ice cream that was pulling at an old memory. ‘Didn’t we have ice cream in the elevator once? We were going to rehearsal too ... And then -’
Tiffany looked down when Jessica suddenly started giggling. "What is it?" she asked, her smile curious.
Jessica bit her lip then, unsure. "Do you remember our first kiss?" she asked, careful to lighten her voice, just in case - just in case Tiffany didn't. (- how Tiffany had squealed afterwards because Jessica’s strawberry ice cream had dripped and stained her ‘favorite white dress,’ how Jessica had laughed, how Tiffany had pouted, how Jessica had kissed her again because how could she not with Tiffany looking like that -) But she wasn't sure if Tiffany remembered or if she would be okay if Tiffany didn't remember.
"I think I need help remembering," Tiffany said. And for a moment Jessica thought she had forgotten. She told herself it was okay (even though her jaw began to clench) but then she saw the note of mischief in Tiffany’s eyes, the quirk at the corner of her mouth and Jessica let out a breath, relieved (for this was even better than 'okay'). Jessica grinned, a lightness in her heart as they leaned in towards each other. Their lips met in a kiss that was soft and slow, but sure. Jessica felt Tiffany’s lips curve against her own into that smile again, the one that had Jessica gently cradling Tiffany’s face and bringing her in for a second kiss. It was the second kiss that really counted, and Tiffany sighed as she had back then; it was a reassurance more than it was a return to the past, an affirmation of the present rather than a question.
Finally, slowly, they parted, resting their foreheads against each other, smiling.
"Happy anniversary," Tiffany murmured.
Jessica blinked, then straightened in surprise. "Wait, you remembered?"
Tiffany’s eyes widened. "Well, yeah - wait, I thought you forgot!"
Jessica bit her lip with a sheepish look. "I, well ... Actually, I only remembered because I had a reminder on my phone."
Tiffany threw her head back and began laughing. "Me too!"
After a moment, Jessica couldn’t help but join in, shaking her head over how ridiculous they both were. Embarrassment burned Jessica's cheeks, but at least she knew now she hadn't been the only one. "We're getting too old for this," she said when their laughter had died down, Jessica having settled back into the crook of Tiffany’s neck.
"As long as we're old together," Tiffany replied and Jessica could picture the comical grin she was sure was on Tiffany's face.
"Easy on the cheese, Steph - I’m full enough as it is," Jessica warned, poking Tiffany in the side. Tiffany laughed, the sound deeper from where Jessica was resting.
The elevator pinged softly, cueing a sigh from both of them as they untangled themselves, the doors opening in tandem. Tiffany stepped through the doors first and for a moment, all Jessica could see was her silhouette. She was suddenly struck with a past memory, but from what time, she wasn't sure (they had stepped through so many doors since that very first day). Tiffany’s lines were different now, but still so recognizable as hers. Then just as quickly, Jessica's eyes adjusted to the light - how different this light was compared to the harsh flash from the photo studio, how she could see the lack of sleep written in Tiffany’s face, how it brought out the soft adoration in her eyes. Jessica placed her hand into Tiffany’s outstretched one with a feeling not unlike falling in love but more like remembering that she had always been in love with this girl.
They slowly made their way to the rehearsal room, already starting to pick out music playing from beyond the door. But Jessica slowed, another feeling growing in her, a feeling that something had to be said. "Hey."
Tiffany paused, turning her eyes back towards Jessica, her hand already resting on the door handle. Jessica was silent a moment, memorizing - this light, this time, this face. "I love you," she said, a statement more than anything else (a hello, a goodbye, and a hello again).
Tiffany gave their linked hands a tight squeeze in confirmation, answered "I love you too" in promise. They shared a smile, then opened the door and stepped through together.
*****
사랑해 널 이 느낌 이대로 그려왔던 헤매임의 끝
이 세상 속에서 반복되는 슬픔 이젠 안녕
널 생각만 해도 난 강해져 울지 않게 나를 도와줘
이 순간의 느낌 함께 하는거야 다시 만난 우리의
(I love you, just like this. The longed end of wandering.
I leave behind this world's unending sadness.
Walking the many and unknowable paths, I follow a dim light.
It's something we'll do together to the end, into our new world.)
** End **
Author's Notes:
Long time no see, eh? First off, I'm still in shock - completely blown away by the results. Really did not expect that! The goal of this fic was simply to write *something* - there are many things that were not executed as well as I wanted (or ended up being references to older fics), so simply having completed this is what I've been most happy about.
This fic definitely would not have gotten past the first draft without the help and patience of both happy_riceball and my sister - deep thanks to you both. Also, a very special thanks to xReiya at SSF for heading up the JeTidal Wave Fanfic Contest (can you believe it's the 8th one already?!), which was what motivated me to write in the first place!
"Goodbye Happiness" is a song by Utada Hikaru that I rather love and one that I've always wanted to write a story for, though, not from the perspective of a woman looking at a love that had ended, but looking at a love that had changed as the couple had grown older. I feel like that's happened to me not only as a fan of SNSD but also in my relationship to writing - hopefully that came across in the fic. (Btw, if you haven't seen the MV for this song, you should watch it right now. Probably the best thing you can do with 6 minutes of your time, especially when you're in need of some cheering up! XD)
Anyway, it's kind of funny that after what, 2 years of not writing, I bust out a fic this long - it was probably to make up for the amount of fic I didn't write in that period of not writing :P So thank you for reading through this whole thing and hopefully, taking the time to comment.
I also wanted to say to keep supporting fanfic writers - there's a lot of great stories out there, especially at the JeTidal Fanfic Contest (also check out the FMV contest when that's released), so don't be afraid to show 'em some love~!
Title: Goodbye happiness
Genre: Romance/General
Rating: PG, just to be safe
Characters: Jessica, Tiffany
Summary: "That time can't come back again, right? (Even so, that's okay. Love me)"
Word count: 5,000+
Disclaimer: RPF - really prolonged fic >_<
Cross-post: Slightly edited version of entry #19 for the 8th JeTidal Wave Fanfic Contest.
So Goodbye Happiness
何も知らずに はしゃいでた
あの頃へはもう戻れないね
それでもいいの Love me
(So goodbye happiness
I never knew anything so energetic and free.
That time can't come back again, right?
Even so, that's okay. Love me)
*****
It wasn't until the van door clicked shut for the fourth time that morning that Jessica had the chance to check her phone. It read 8 o'clock now but she'd been up and about for more than five hours already, running on less than an hour of sleep and her second triple latte. She shifted her sunglasses from her nose to her forehead, ignoring the morning sun as she scrolled through the myriad of alerts on her phone. There were a bunch of texts from the girls - even one from her sister - but she could only skim through them because the "low battery" message kept taking over the screen ('You and me both,' she thought). But amidst the list of alerts, a calendar reminder caught her eye, and then her breath.
"Are you all right?"
Jessica immediately looked up, blank faced as she locked the screen, all in one instinctive motion. "I'm all right," she answered, pitching her voice with a lightness her heart suddenly didn't feel. Her manager glanced at her again but decided that driving was the greater concern. Jessica let out a silent breath in relief and returned her sunglasses down to cover her eyes. But rather than the scenery that blurred by outside her window, it was her own reflection within the glasses that she focused on, contemplating as her fingers traced the smooth space on the now darkened screen where the words had appeared.
She wasn't sure when she'd set that reminder for herself, but apparently her past self had known she would forget. It stirred a mixture of emotions from deep within her, mostly disappointment, but also this other feeling that she couldn't readily identify, a feeling similar to something slipping through her fingers - time, or maybe the feeling itself.
'Or maybe just my memory,' Jessica thought wryly. 'Only in my 20s and already forgetting anniversaries.' How could she have forgotten their anniversary? Her brain responded with a list of excuses - lyrics, lack of sleep, choreography, scripts, lack of sleep - but it did nothing to ease the weight on her chest. Something had changed and she wasn't sure when it had happened or if there was anything she could have done about it. If she should do something about it.
Jessica shook her head a little. 'Stop it,' she told herself sternly. Turning her brain into a hamster wheel was certainly not a productive way to spend her time. She shooed the dark voices back into their corners. Regardless of how, the fact was that she remembered now and that's all that mattered. 'But what to do ...' Jessica chewed her lip for a moment before keying her phone back on, softly cooing to it when it began blinking in protest. Quickly, she brought up their schedules, scanning the document for one name in particular. She herself had only one more schedule and then she was free until group rehearsal later that evening (or early the next morning, depending on where the line was drawn between day and night). 'Seohyun, Taeyeon, Hyoyeon - ah, found you.'
"Jihun-oppa, can you drop me off at Vogue studio after my schedule?"
Her manager frowned, both at the traffic and at the question. "Don't you want to go back to the dorm and sleep?"
"No," Jessica murmured as her phone finally powered off for good, "I want to see Tiffany."
*****
Sunset glanced off of the hood of the van as they slowly pulled up to the building, the sharp light serving as a warning signal to the crowd, which parted reluctantly. "Do you need me to run bodyguard service?" Jihun asked in a low voice, eyeing the mob as it started to close in, realizing the van's sole occupant.
Jessica shook her head. "This is nothing," she answered, her dismissive tone born of fact, not arrogance. She proved her statement by easily weaving through the crowd, experience guiding her steps with aptly timed smiles and waves to ease her closer and closer to the entrance. It took a while, but Jessica eventually crossed the threshold, the glass doors shutting behind her and sealing off the voices with a suddenness that almost made her lose her balance, almost made her miss the sound.
It was in that silence that Jessica realized she’d come empty-handed. She groaned and knocked her knuckles against her head. Going back outside was out of the question now (she shuddered to think of the scandals that would erupt if she even attempted to buy a bouquet of flowers) and so she was left with nothing to show for remembering the occasion. Just then, the elevator sounded its arrival and opened its doors in patient invitation. What else could she do? Jessica sighed and stepped into the elevator with a resigned shrug. The ride was silent and she chewed her lip as she counted the floors as they passed.
A staff member recognized her as soon as she stepped out of the elevator (Minjung? Minyoung? Jessica hadn't been able to understand the lady amidst the barely suppressed squeals) and all but dragged Jessica into the studio, where she proceeded to offer snacks, drinks (Jessica accepted a cup of coffee, number five so far), and introductions to nearly every person who walked by. Even after Jessica was seated, the offerings continued - blankets, slippers, magazines, more coffee - until the staff member was finally whisked away to deal with more official business. Jessica exhaled in relief, this time relishing the silence. Usually, it would have amused her to be fawned and fussed over to such an extent but sometimes - most times, really - it was nice to just be normal.
Jessica exchanged bows with the staff near her, glad for their company and the shield their backs provided against most of the light. She would have continued to wear her sunglasses inside (a habit she hadn't known about until fans began to notice and labeled it as "chic"), but Jessica was well aware that the line between chic and rude was very thin, and flirting with it usually meant more trouble than fun. Deprived of the chance to hide (or rather, sleep) behind her sunglasses, she was forced to pay attention to the photo shoot.
It wasn't often that they watched each other's photo shoots, though it was less because of the length of time and more because the whole process, at least to Jessica, had always seemed unnatural. It was different from performing on stage. There, she had lines to sing, choreography to execute. But during a photo shoot, people were, essentially, watching her do nothing. Not only that, the sets always seemed too bright, the props oddly weighted, and the lighting too artificial to affect anything natural. Even outdoor photo shoots felt like eerie, staged affairs.
As Jessica watched, the harsh flash turned Tiffany's hair wheat-gold each moment it went off, bringing back memories of their days as blondes. There had never been anything gradual in their transitions from one style to the next, especially hairstyles (Jessica suspected the drama was part of their company's business plan). Thankfully, their faces had been left to age in their own time, the curves and softness there lengthening along with the lines of their bodies. Traces of the girl Jessica used to know were hard to find in times like these, when Tiffany was dressed up and made up and standing in the spotlight. The ease with which Tiffany flowed from pose to pose was a testament to both Jessica's own experience in recognizing those poses and Tiffany's comfort in her own skin.
They both had come so far since that first photo shoot. They had been so awkward back then, not only with each other (Jessica swore her ears had rung for days after their first meeting) but also because Jessica was still getting over her fear of cameras and Tiffany was still adjusting to her new name and all that had entailed. To this day, it amazed Jessica that they had made it through that photo shoot at all. If Tiffany hadn't been there, so brave and trying so, so hard, Jessica was sure she would have run out of the studio crying. Tiffany didn't exactly have an easy time either - the photographer had become so exasperated with Tiffany continually playing with the bracelets around her wrists that he had threatened to take them away and use someone else for that sequence. Jessica had received her own share of scoldings during the shoot, experiencing the wrath of their makeup-unni after she'd had to reapply Jessica's lipstick nearly a dozen times because Jessica had been biting her lip so much. The wrist-wringing and lip-biting came less frequently nowadays, though Jessica wasn't sure if that was because they had gotten used to the photo shoots or if it all had just gotten old. 'Among other things,' she thought, casting her gaze down where her phone lay silent in her purse.
When she looked back up, she found Tiffany glancing curiously in her direction. Jessica just sat back and waited. It didn't take long, a couple of seconds at most, but Jessica knew the moment Tiffany realized it was her: Tiffany's whole body seemed to lift, as if at the start of one of her infamous outbursts, surprise pulling the beginnings of a smile around her eyes. Jessica grinned in pure reaction and would have waved but a flash brought both of their eyes back to the camera. Jessica shrunk down a bit in her chair, looking around furtively and hoping that no one had noticed Tiffany's lapse in focus. 'Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all...' Usually, staff members were very indulgent whenever they all played with each other, but she was also very aware that the staff members' days often ran longer than theirs did.
Jessica shifted her chair back so that she was better hidden by the staff and their equipment, sacrificing some of her view in the process. But she could picture Tiffany in her mind as she got back into character, the squaring of her shoulders, the slight raising of her chin before settling into a pose. Jessica could still see part of Tiffany and part of the set, so she amused herself with the partial view, imagining Tiffany's hidden half based on what she could see (head tilted to the side with a smirk that made Jessica's heart flutter would be completed by hands on hips and legs crossed at the ankles; hand raised, palm upward would be paired with a light-hearted smile, facing the camera with nothing to hide).
The game helped to make the rest of the shoot pass quickly and it took Jessica by surprise when an applause went up at the final photograph, and Tiffany blushed, there at the center of it all. Jessica added her cheers and watched as Tiffany made her rounds thanking the staff, pausing to speak at length with Minyoung (Minjung?) and exchange numbers (both of them scribbling on what looked like a napkin) before making her way towards Jessica’s seat. Jessica was content to just watch her like this, the easy way Tiffany moved through the crowd, her laughter distinct amidst the various sounds, and her eyes always finding their way back to her own. When Tiffany was finally within arm's reach, Jessica slid off of the chair and pulled the other girl into a hug. The strong smell of hairspray and the stiffness of Tiffany's clothes tempered their embrace, but Tiffany's grin was no less bright when they parted. "Were you trying to play hide and seek?" she asked playfully, poking at Jessica's side.
Jessica squirmed, a giggle lilting her answering "Maybe." (It always surprised her, how easily Tiffany eased into her.)
"I thought you'd be at the dorm," Tiffany said, an unspoken, "sleeping," added with her raised eyebrow.
Jessica was in the middle of rolling her eyes when it occurred to her that Tiffany probably hadn't remembered their anniversary either. She blinked, for a moment unsure whether to be relieved or disappointed, but quickly settled on simply taking advantage of their time together. "I wanted to see you," she answered truthfully - more truthfully than she had intended. Tiffany seemed surprised as well, her hand stilling at Jessica's hip and her smile softening in that way. Then Jessica was reaching out (like she always did at that smile), gently cupping Tiffany's face, overwhelmed by a sudden desire to keep that fragile, beautiful smile in a place safer, softer than her hands (but they were all she had to offer). Tiffany leaned into the touch, lightly brushing her lips against Jessica's palm. It made Jessica shudder slightly, there in the middle of the bustling studio (then again, Tiffany had always had that kind of effect on her).
A staff member called Tiffany away to change and they released each other reluctantly, Jessica again left empty-handed. She turned to sit back down, but her chair had already been taken away. She glared at the now empty space and looked around for another chair but spotted a small crowd around the computers. She wandered over and realized that they were already reviewing Tiffany's pictures.
"Pretty, huh?" a staff member asked when they noticed she had joined them. There was an immediate outcry from several other staffers who loudly denounced his tact and quickly reassured Jessica of her own beauty. Jessica laughed and waved away the compliments, adding her agreement to the first staff member's pronouncement. The pictures were physical evidence of this, the shoot having brought to the forefront a different side of Tiffany, a sensual, devil-may-care image that Jessica knew would be further teased out with editing. It was with an odd mix of professionalism and adoration that she looked at the pictures, tracing each frame with the eyes of both critic and lover.
She was comparing her guesses from the game from earlier - some of them true (she'd had to suppress a whine when they sped past the picture with Tiffany's delicious smirk) and others delightfully far-fetched (wide laughter where Jessica had expected a simple smile) - when an arm linked through hers and pulled her away from the crowd. Tiffany's nose was scrunched up, no doubt having caught sight of her face on the screen. Jessica laughed. "They look good," she said reassuringly. She understood the reaction though - it was still unnerving to see her own face multiplied and staring back at her.
Tiffany rolled her eyes in self-deprecation. "You hungry?" she asked instead. Jessica allowed the former but leveled a look at Tiffany in answer to the latter. 'When were they not hungry?' that looked said. Tiffany chuckled, acknowledging the silliness of asking that particular question but Jessica understood that sometimes, certain things just had to be said. "Well, I heard there's a restaurant nearby that's pretty good. Wanna try it?"
Jessica frowned. "But what about all the fans outside?" She wasn't too keen on having to go through that crowd again, which would have only gotten bigger once word had spread about her visit. She was a bit surprised Tiffany hadn't thought of this, their eternal 'manager.'
Tiffany, however, just raised an eyebrow at her, an expression equal parts exasperation and amusement on her face. "Did you forget?"
Jessica stilled. "Forget what?" she asked cautiously, unsure as to what Tiffany was referring to.
But Tiffany just bumped Jessica's shoulder with her own. "There's a side door, silly. Don't you remember? We used to use it all the time."
Relief clouded Jessica's memory but once they got off the elevator at the second floor and opened the somewhat hidden door at the end of the hall, a soft "oh" escaped her lips. She did remember this stairwell, its low florescent light and how it seemed to make everything look more black-and-white than color. They had learned to use this and other stairwells like it as their group had become more popular, and then again as a couple, sneaking in and sneaking out, often giggling as they pretended to be spies (and snuck in make out sessions against the walls). Now, they moved not with stealth but with a gait more matter-of-fact, ready to deal with whatever they might come across.
Tonight, it would not be fans: opening the exit door revealed only darkness. Tiffany grinned triumphantly at Jessica and they made their way to the main street. Jessica hadn't realized how late it was until they began passing shop after darkened shop, "Closed," signs already posted in the windows. She pursed her lips in disappointment. She had hoped to sneak into a boutique store to buy even a small trinket to commemorate their anniversary, but it seemed like store owners had a less fluid sense of time than she did.
Tiffany started to slow down and Jessica noted that she was fiddling with her watch and referencing what looked to be a napkin with a crude map drawn on it. "Are we there yet?" Jessica couldn't help but ask. Tiffany didn't answer but soon stopped in front of a closed storefront, her jaw clenching in what Jessica knew were silent curses.
It was, at least, a quaint looking restaurant. The tables in the patio area were already stacked up on each other, but Jessica could picture the two of them sitting at one of them with the bright afternoon sun on their shoulders instead of the lamplight that reflected off of the dark window.
Tiffany gave her an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was already closed ..."
Jessica shrugged. "Next time," she said simply. She kept eyes away from the menu though - her stomach had become notably hollow and she knew it would start grumbling very soon. They continued walking, yet 15 minutes later, all they had come across was a laundromat and three convenience stores. They paused at a fourth, eyeing the rows of snacks through the clear sliding doors. Hunger was gnawing at Jessica's patience but she wasn't too enamored with the idea of instant noodles and beef jerky for dinner (the only combination Jessica was able to tolerate, much less cook). She glanced at Tiffany and saw the same conflict there, a longing in her gaze but a frown on her lips. Tiffany looked over at her, hesitantly asked, "Keep going?"
Jessica sighed but instantly regretted it when she saw Tiffany wince. She circled Tiffany's wrist loosely with her fingers and tried not to answer too sharply. "Next place that's open." Her effort was rewarded with a relieved smile and they set off once more, this time their silence less tense and more hopeful.
It came as a complete surprise when they turned the corner and found themselves face-to-door with a 24-hour restaurant. After a moment of shock, they eagerly entered and were promptly seated. After they had plowed through half of their nachos (the menu was a weird but welcome mix of comfort food from Korean, Mexican, and Italian cuisines), Jessica's energy had returned enough to take in their surroundings.
The pictures that lined the walls were from all sorts of places (many of them countries Jessica was proud to say they had visited), giving color to the otherwise simple interior. There were a handful of other customers spaced out around the dining area and with the soft candlelight, it gave the restaurant a homey yet intimate feel. Something about the place tickled the back of her mind. ‘Maybe it’s one of the pictures?’
"Doesn't this remind you of that one place we went to after we first met?"
The memory clicked into place. "That's just what I was thinking of," Jessica replied with a wry smile. That's exactly what it was. The restaurant they'd gone to all those years ago had been similar to this - simple, not too busy, but Jessica had felt so uncomfortable, even with Ida playing mediator, slowing down Tiffany's near continuous chatter and translating Jessica's near non-existent responses.
"You barely said anything that day," Tiffany remembered, crunching on a nacho. "I thought I'd offended you or something."
Jessica raised an eyebrow at her. "You would have known if you had."
Tiffany laughed. "That's what Ida said."
"Actually, I thought I'd said something to offend you," Jessica admitted. Tiffany tilted her head in askance. "While we were eating, you like, disappeared into the bathroom," she explained as she eyed the remains of their plate of nachos, trying to see which chip had the most toppings on it. "We almost sent out a search party for you."
The sudden stillness from across the table made Jessica look up and then immediately reach out, the lost look on Tiffany's face jolting her heart. Tiffany smiled instinctively but Jessica knew the difference (felt herself suddenly transported to that day, recognizing now what this smile had meant) and tightened her grip on Tiffany’s hand. 'It's okay,' is what it said, 'I'm listening.'
Tiffany didn’t speak for several minutes, obviously working to get her feelings under control. It was a battle that took place just underneath her skin - jaw clenching, throat swallowing, all the while attempting to keep that grimace-smile on the surface. Jessica glanced around the room, then dismissed the other patrons from her mind, followed her gut-instinct and moved around the table to sit down next to Tiffany. She wrapped an arm around Tiffany’s shoulders (‘I’m here, I’m here,’ was what this said) and Jessica could feel Tiffany's slow breaths, deliberate, unsteady, her shoulders tense as she tried to level out her breathing. Jessica continued to hold her, giving her as much time as she needed.
"I'd forgotten about that," Tiffany finally murmured, her voice husky with lingering emotion. Jessica gave her a light squeeze, resting her forehead against Tiffany’s in silent support. “When we were eating... The spaghetti and, like, especially the pizza - man, this sounds so dumb - but it just tasted different. It was so not like the pizza back home, you know?”
Jessica nodded her head, rubbing small soothing circles against Tiffany’s back. She felt Tiffany's back rise against her palm as Tiffany took in a deep breath. "I guess it just hit me then. Where I was ... what I was doing ... how things were completely different and how much more things were going to change from then on. It felt like I had lost something ... something I would never get back."
Jessica held Tiffany a little tighter and felt the other girl shift to lean into her. To be honest (and she had told this to Tiffany, many, many times), Jessica had thought Tiffany was crazy back then. 15 years old and defying her father to go to a different country in hopes to be a star? It sounded like something out of a movie. And yet here Tiffany was, fulfilling that dream. Though, Jessica had to wonder - "Do you ever regret it?" she asked, not bothering to filter the question.
Tiffany paused before answering. "No," she said, drawing out the word, thinking as she spoke (talking out her thoughts). "You know, the last time I talked to Daddy, he told me that he still regrets not supporting me back then. I told him that it was okay - I mean, he’s so supportive now, you know?" Jessica nodded emphatically. Care packages from California were always a big affair because it meant half-a-dozen boxes filled with treats for all 9 of them.
"I still miss home all the time," Tiffany continued, her eyes fixed on a point far beyond the table. "I missed out on a lot of things ... Sometimes I think that maybe I came over too early, or that maybe I shouldn’t have come at all." Tiffany’s voice became soft, thinking out-loud more than speaking to Jessica. "But I really do believe that things happen for a reason. And most times, those things can’t happen without some kind of change. So no, I don’t regret it - I wouldn’t change anything." Jessica felt Tiffany nod to herself and her own heart align with the sentiment.
They stayed like that for a while, parting only when they saw their waiter approaching. He didn’t question the change in seating and just set down their steaming plates with a smile. Conversation was put on hold as they both all but attacked their food.
Jessica, however, began to slow after a few bites, causing Tiffany’s brows to furrow when she finally noticed. "Don’t like it?" she asked, dabbing at the spaghetti sauce around her mouth.
"It’s not the greatest," Jessica admitted, though the fact that she took another bite showed that she didn’t think it was completely horrible either.
Tiffany rolled her eyes. "Like you could cook any better." Her playful grin tempered Jessica’s reaction, but she still gave Tiffany an outraged look.
"I have before!"
"You've always had someone else telling you what to do.” Tiffany pointed her fork at her. "You even had to use sauce from a packet! I bet you couldn't even make spaghetti sauce from scratch."
Jessica glared. "I so can make spaghetti."
"Prove it."
Jessica felt a familiar rise in her stomach at Tiffany’s challenging grin. "Fine." Then she answered with a wicked grin of her own. "But you have to cook too."
The grin instantly dropped from Tiffany’s face. "What."
"And the girls will judge."
"What?!"
"Afraid you'll lose?" Jessica asked impishly.
Tiffany narrowed her eyes and growled. "As if. Next week, Jung. Spaghetti battle." They held each other’s stare for a few more moments, but then Jessica burst out laughing at the intensity of it all.
"Spaghetti battle?" Jessica repeated as she giggled, replaying Tiffany’s dramatic announcer voice in her mind.
Tiffany stuck her tongue out at Jessica, though she was chuckling as well. "I'm serious! Cook off, next week."
"Oh, I'm serious too," Jessica replied, trying to put on a serious face but unable to fight against a grin. "What do I get when I win?"
"You mean when you lose?” Tiffany snorted. She thought for a moment, biting on her fork. Jessica became wary as she watched a smile dripping of mischief appeared on Tiffany’s face. "You have to do my laundry for the rest of the month."
Jessica gaped at her, having just a couple of days ago poked fun at the mountain of dirty clothes in (and around) Tiffany’s hamper. "Oh it's on, Hwang. Totally on." Tiffany just blithely continued eating, affecting disbelief. Jessica huffed and returned to her food as well, stabbing as she mentally began to plot how to guarantee her success. But after a moment, Jessica shook her head slightly at the seriousness of her thoughts, giggling to herself as they continued to eat in comfortable companionship.
*****
A couple of hours later, they stood waiting for the elevator in the SM building to go down into the "dungeon," as they had fondly dubbed the basement rehearsal room. However, it was more Tiffany standing and Jessica leaning against her, holding her distended stomach. "I don't think I'm going to make it through rehearsal," she moaned pitifully.
Tiffany sighed. "You’re the one who wanted to share that ice cream sundae."
"You’re the one who started talking about ice cream!" Jessica knew she was whining, but she was too full to care. They had added to the loser’s punishment having to buy a pint of ice cream for each of the girls and it had set off Jessica’s craving for one herself (it had also been a restaurant special - Jessica figured they could have at least one thing special for that day).
Jessica heard Tiffany sigh again but when the elevator arrived, she still led Jessica slowly by the hand inside. They leaned back against the railing and against each other, easily fitting themselves into the quiet. Jessica returned her head to Tiffany’s shoulder, closing her eyes momentarily. The bitterness of her latest cup of coffee (Jessica had long since lost count by now) still lingered on her tongue, but it was the underlying taste of ice cream that was pulling at an old memory. ‘Didn’t we have ice cream in the elevator once? We were going to rehearsal too ... And then -’
Tiffany looked down when Jessica suddenly started giggling. "What is it?" she asked, her smile curious.
Jessica bit her lip then, unsure. "Do you remember our first kiss?" she asked, careful to lighten her voice, just in case - just in case Tiffany didn't. (- how Tiffany had squealed afterwards because Jessica’s strawberry ice cream had dripped and stained her ‘favorite white dress,’ how Jessica had laughed, how Tiffany had pouted, how Jessica had kissed her again because how could she not with Tiffany looking like that -) But she wasn't sure if Tiffany remembered or if she would be okay if Tiffany didn't remember.
"I think I need help remembering," Tiffany said. And for a moment Jessica thought she had forgotten. She told herself it was okay (even though her jaw began to clench) but then she saw the note of mischief in Tiffany’s eyes, the quirk at the corner of her mouth and Jessica let out a breath, relieved (for this was even better than 'okay'). Jessica grinned, a lightness in her heart as they leaned in towards each other. Their lips met in a kiss that was soft and slow, but sure. Jessica felt Tiffany’s lips curve against her own into that smile again, the one that had Jessica gently cradling Tiffany’s face and bringing her in for a second kiss. It was the second kiss that really counted, and Tiffany sighed as she had back then; it was a reassurance more than it was a return to the past, an affirmation of the present rather than a question.
Finally, slowly, they parted, resting their foreheads against each other, smiling.
"Happy anniversary," Tiffany murmured.
Jessica blinked, then straightened in surprise. "Wait, you remembered?"
Tiffany’s eyes widened. "Well, yeah - wait, I thought you forgot!"
Jessica bit her lip with a sheepish look. "I, well ... Actually, I only remembered because I had a reminder on my phone."
Tiffany threw her head back and began laughing. "Me too!"
After a moment, Jessica couldn’t help but join in, shaking her head over how ridiculous they both were. Embarrassment burned Jessica's cheeks, but at least she knew now she hadn't been the only one. "We're getting too old for this," she said when their laughter had died down, Jessica having settled back into the crook of Tiffany’s neck.
"As long as we're old together," Tiffany replied and Jessica could picture the comical grin she was sure was on Tiffany's face.
"Easy on the cheese, Steph - I’m full enough as it is," Jessica warned, poking Tiffany in the side. Tiffany laughed, the sound deeper from where Jessica was resting.
The elevator pinged softly, cueing a sigh from both of them as they untangled themselves, the doors opening in tandem. Tiffany stepped through the doors first and for a moment, all Jessica could see was her silhouette. She was suddenly struck with a past memory, but from what time, she wasn't sure (they had stepped through so many doors since that very first day). Tiffany’s lines were different now, but still so recognizable as hers. Then just as quickly, Jessica's eyes adjusted to the light - how different this light was compared to the harsh flash from the photo studio, how she could see the lack of sleep written in Tiffany’s face, how it brought out the soft adoration in her eyes. Jessica placed her hand into Tiffany’s outstretched one with a feeling not unlike falling in love but more like remembering that she had always been in love with this girl.
They slowly made their way to the rehearsal room, already starting to pick out music playing from beyond the door. But Jessica slowed, another feeling growing in her, a feeling that something had to be said. "Hey."
Tiffany paused, turning her eyes back towards Jessica, her hand already resting on the door handle. Jessica was silent a moment, memorizing - this light, this time, this face. "I love you," she said, a statement more than anything else (a hello, a goodbye, and a hello again).
Tiffany gave their linked hands a tight squeeze in confirmation, answered "I love you too" in promise. They shared a smile, then opened the door and stepped through together.
*****
사랑해 널 이 느낌 이대로 그려왔던 헤매임의 끝
이 세상 속에서 반복되는 슬픔 이젠 안녕
널 생각만 해도 난 강해져 울지 않게 나를 도와줘
이 순간의 느낌 함께 하는거야 다시 만난 우리의
(I love you, just like this. The longed end of wandering.
I leave behind this world's unending sadness.
Walking the many and unknowable paths, I follow a dim light.
It's something we'll do together to the end, into our new world.)
** End **
Author's Notes:
Long time no see, eh? First off, I'm still in shock - completely blown away by the results. Really did not expect that! The goal of this fic was simply to write *something* - there are many things that were not executed as well as I wanted (or ended up being references to older fics), so simply having completed this is what I've been most happy about.
This fic definitely would not have gotten past the first draft without the help and patience of both happy_riceball and my sister - deep thanks to you both. Also, a very special thanks to xReiya at SSF for heading up the JeTidal Wave Fanfic Contest (can you believe it's the 8th one already?!), which was what motivated me to write in the first place!
"Goodbye Happiness" is a song by Utada Hikaru that I rather love and one that I've always wanted to write a story for, though, not from the perspective of a woman looking at a love that had ended, but looking at a love that had changed as the couple had grown older. I feel like that's happened to me not only as a fan of SNSD but also in my relationship to writing - hopefully that came across in the fic. (Btw, if you haven't seen the MV for this song, you should watch it right now. Probably the best thing you can do with 6 minutes of your time, especially when you're in need of some cheering up! XD)
Anyway, it's kind of funny that after what, 2 years of not writing, I bust out a fic this long - it was probably to make up for the amount of fic I didn't write in that period of not writing :P So thank you for reading through this whole thing and hopefully, taking the time to comment.
I also wanted to say to keep supporting fanfic writers - there's a lot of great stories out there, especially at the JeTidal Fanfic Contest (also check out the FMV contest when that's released), so don't be afraid to show 'em some love~!